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Articles
Aorta Be in Pictures
2008-12-10 13:58:00 Remember when I made that appointment to see if I had Marfan Syndrome? Well, I just got back. Did you know that geneticists are located in the same part of the medical facility as the OB/GYN? I didn't. And neither did the lady behind the desk at the gynecologist's office apparently. I got some weird looks when I walked in there. Can I help you? Um, I'm here for an appointment. With an OB/GYN? Uh, no. Genetics. She asked for my name, then she looked me up and asked me to sit down. So I sat there for about thirty-five minutes as wave after wave of female patients came in, sat down, were called into the office, and left. The lady behind the desk was talking to her co-worker about David Otunga, the guy from "I Love New York" who's engaged to Jennifer Hudson. I had already made the co-pay downstairs and this is where the woman there directed me to go. I was starting to think I was in the wrong office, but the lady behind the desk assured me this was genetics, and the doctor wou... More About: Pictures
Aorta Be in Pictures
2008-12-09 21:00:00 Remember when I made that appointment to see if I had Marfan Syndrome? Well, I just got back. Did you know that geneticists are located in the same part of the medical facility as the OB/GYN? I didn't. And neither did the lady behind the desk at the gynecologist's office apparently. I got some weird looks when I walked in there. Can I help you? Um, I'm here for an appointment. With an OB/GYN? Uh, no. Genetics. She asked for my name, then she looked me up and asked me to sit down. So I sat there for about thirty-five minutes as wave after wave of female patients came in, sat down, were called into the office, and left. The lady behind the desk was talking to her co-worker about David Otunga, the guy from "I Love New York" who's engaged to Jennifer Hudson. I had already made the co-pay downstairs and this is where the woman there directed me to go. I was starting to think I was in the wrong office, but the lady behind the desk assured me this was genetics, and the doctor wou... More About: Pictures
Wenis Envy
2008-12-04 18:12:00 Every day we are surrounded by war. The war on terror. The war on drugs. The Battle of the Network Stars. But the oldest of them all, older than the bloody conflicts between Israel and Palestine or even Great Taste and Less Filling is the battle of the sexes. It's been raging for tens of thousands of years, with no end in sight. Nowhere is this battle more prevalent than in our nation's electronic inboxes. Well, I guess it's much more prevalent in the thousands of domestic abuse cases reported each year, but that doesn't really gel with the light-hearted tone I've established on this blog. So let's stick with the annoying e-mails we get all the time that basically amount to "Ha Ha! Men don't ask for directions! Hee Hee! Women are overbearing!" While both sides are equally repugnant, I'm inclined to defend my own gender against vitriolic anti-male propaganda, lest the Man Council have me waterborded and, I don't know, stripped of my fantasy football team. By the way, it i... More About: Envy
Wenis Envy
2008-12-03 19:00:00 Every day we are surrounded by war. The war on terror. The war on drugs. The Battle of the Network Stars. But the oldest of them all, older than the bloody conflicts between Israel and Palestine or even Great Taste and Less Filling is the battle of the sexes. It's been raging for tens of thousands of years, with no end in sight. Nowhere is this battle more prevalent than in our nation's electronic inboxes. Well, I guess it's much more prevalent in the thousands of domestic abuse cases reported each year, but that doesn't really gel with the light-hearted tone I've established on this blog. So let's stick with the annoying e-mails we get all the time that basically amount to "Ha Ha! Men don't ask for directions! Hee Hee! Women are overbearing!" While both sides are equally repugnant, I'm inclined to defend my own gender against vitriolic anti-male propaganda, lest the Man Council have me waterborded and, I don't know, stripped of my fantasy football team. By the way, it i... More About: Envy
Get It Off Me! Get It Off Me!
2008-11-25 22:52:00 I suppose I should have written this yesterday, since it happened yesterday, and because of this, I got to go home early yesterday. Sure, the power came back on right about the same time I got home, but it worked out for the best because I was still able to get my projects done on the laptop, plus I didn't have to wear pants. But let's go back to the beginning of the day. Actually, let's go back a year or two, when I broke the zipper on my jacket. It just snapped off when I was pulling it up one day. The zipper itself still worked fine; it just didn't have the part you pull on anymore. Which, incidentally, is called the puller. You don't really need the puller, though. At first I tried to replace it with a bent paperclip, but it was way too pointy at the end, so I wrapped some masking tap around it. That didn't really help at all and looked incredibly stupid, so I just gave up trying to replace the puller and started grabbing the slider between my thumb and index finger and p...
Get It Off Me! Get It Off Me!
2008-11-25 22:00:00 I suppose I should have written this yesterday, since it happened yesterday, and because of this, I got to go home early yesterday. Sure, the power came back on right about the same time I got home, but it worked out for the best because I was still able to get my projects done on the laptop, plus I didn't have to wear pants. But let's go back to the beginning of the day. Actually, let's go back a year or two, when I broke the zipper on my jacket. It just snapped off when I was pulling it up one day. The zipper itself still worked fine; it just didn't have the part you pull on anymore. Which, incidentally, is called the puller. You don't really need the puller, though. At first I tried to replace it with a bent paperclip, but it was way too pointy at the end, so I wrapped some masking tap around it. That didn't really help at all and looked incredibly stupid, so I just gave up trying to replace the puller and started grabbing the slider between my thumb and index finger and p...
I Can Finally Sleep at Night!
2008-11-19 19:49:00 This had been bothering me forever: who are Huey, Dewey and Louie's parents? They always seem to be with their uncle Donald, or uncle Scrooge, who is actually Donald's uncle and their great-uncle. But if Donald is their uncle, then he must have a brother or sister, right? And for that matter, if Scrooge is Donald's uncle, who is Donald's father? And where did all these parents go, anyway? I seem to remember even Mickey had two nephews. How did Disney get this family-friendly image when nearly all of their characters' parents are either seemingly non-existent or die horribly? I don't want to get off track, but I have to mention that friggin' song is on again. I wish Sugarland was a Disney character's parents. Anyway, I've always thought it was weird that everyone was an "uncle" and wondered if Duckburg was populated by genetic test subjects who reproduce asexually (which would explain why so many characters walk around pantsless yet lack any visible genitalia) by growing s... More About: Night , Sleep , Finally
I Can Finally Sleep at Night!
2008-11-19 19:30:00 This had been bothering me forever: who are Huey, Dewey and Louie's parents? They always seem to be with their uncle Donald, or uncle Scrooge, who is actually Donald's uncle and their great-uncle. But if Donald is their uncle, then he must have a brother or sister, right? And for that matter, if Scrooge is Donald's uncle, who is Donald's father? And where did all these parents go, anyway? I seem to remember even Mickey had two nephews. How did Disney get this family-friendly image when nearly all of their characters' parents are either seemingly non-existent or die horribly? I don't want to get off track, but I have to mention that friggin' song is on again. I wish Sugarland was a Disney character's parents. Anyway, I've always thought it was weird that everyone was an "uncle" and wondered if Duckburg was populated by genetic test subjects who reproduce asexually (which would explain why so many characters walk around pantsless yet lack any visible genitalia) by growing s... More About: Night , Sleep , Finally
Faith and Begorrah! Me Poor Ears!
2008-11-14 22:26:00 A couple of months ago, I got my own office under cartoonishly ridiculous circumstances. So now I'm all the way down the hall from Joe, which sounds nice in theory, but it seems like he's in my office now even more than when I was next door to him. That's mostly because the back-up computer was moved to my office. We really only use it if we need to scan something (which is maybe twice a year) or if we need to pull a job off of--or put a job onto--the archive. By the way, Joe dubbed the backup drive "Hogwarts", which he thinks is hilarious. Anyway, no sooner had I sat down in the new office, Joe's in here saving old jobs to the archive and checking every ten minutes to see if it's finished. I told him I could check for him, so he doesn't need to come down here all the time. The estimated time to finish downloading was 40 minutes, so coming in to see if it's done every ten minutes just seems pointless. That computer also has the scanner, which we very rarely use, but when I f... More About: Faith , Poor , Ears
Faith and Begorrah! Me Poor Ears!
2008-11-14 22:00:00 A couple of months ago, I got my own office under cartoonishly ridiculous circumstances. So now I'm all the way down the hall from Joe, which sounds nice in theory, but it seems like he's in my office now even more than when I was next door to him. That's mostly because the back-up computer was moved to my office. We really only use it if we need to scan something (which is maybe twice a year) or if we need to pull a job off of--or put a job onto--the archive. By the way, Joe dubbed the backup drive "Hogwarts", which he thinks is hilarious. Anyway, no sooner had I sat down in the new office, Joe's in here saving old jobs to the archive and checking every ten minutes to see if it's finished. I told him I could check for him, so he doesn't need to come down here all the time. The estimated time to finish downloading was 40 minutes, so coming in to see if it's done every ten minutes just seems pointless. That computer also has the scanner, which we very rarely use, but when I f... More About: Faith , Poor , Ears
They Should Call this Blog Johnny Deformed
2008-11-11 18:59:00 You know how people ask how do you know if the refrigerator light goes off when you close the door, and they think they're being clever or something, but it's a stupid question because there's a button that switches the light off when it's pressed, and since it's right in the door track, the weight of the door turns it off? You can press it with your finger when the door is open, for crying out loud. I don't know where I was going with that. I think it had something to do with what I do when I'm not blogging. I'm not some monkey here for your amusement, I've got a lot on my plate right now. It's not like when I'm not posting here, I go into stasis or anything, in a giant, hermetically-sealed Tupperware container 300 feet below the surface of the Earth, where an advanced society of mole-men monitor my vital signs and flood my mind with gamma rays encoded with subliminal messages, effectively making me a sleeper agent in their quest to take over the Topside. That's just si... More About: Blog , Call , Johnny
They Should Call this Blog Johnny Deformed
2008-11-11 17:00:00 You know how people ask how do you know if the refrigerator light goes off when you close the door, and they think they're being clever or something, but it's a stupid question because there's a button that switches the light off when it's pressed, and since it's right in the door track, the weight of the door turns it off? You can press it with your finger when the door is open, for crying out loud. I don't know where I was going with that. I think it had something to do with what I do when I'm not blogging. I'm not some monkey here for your amusement, I've got a lot on my plate right now. It's not like when I'm not posting here, I go into stasis or anything, in a giant, hermetically-sealed Tupperware container 300 feet below the surface of the Earth, where an advanced society of mole-men monitor my vital signs and flood my mind with gamma rays encoded with subliminal messages, effectively making me a sleeper agent in their quest to take over the Topside. That's just si... More About: Blog , Call , Johnny
It Puts the Dring in the Basket
2008-10-27 19:23:00 Apparently more people read this thing than just you guys. I guess that means I have to update more. Lousy new people. So here's one that's been in the queue for a while, because I couldn't really think of a good intro. All you need to know is Brianna's school had a fundraiser, so she brought home a catalog for us to bring to work and see if anyone sees anything they might want. There was More About: Basket
It Puts the Dring in the Basket
2008-10-27 18:50:00 Apparently more people read this thing than just you guys. I guess that means I have to update more. Lousy new people. So here's one that's been in the queue for a while, because I couldn't really think of a good intro. All you need to know is Brianna's school had a fundraiser, so she brought home a catalog for us to bring to work and see if anyone sees anything they might want. There was actually some pretty cool looking things in there, not the crappy magazine subscriptions we were forced to shill. My mom bought a trivet. Here are the instructions that were printed on the back of the box. INSTRUCTION 1. HEAT PRESERVATION WHILE HEATING PUT THE MARBLE SIDE UP, HEAT AS FOLLOWS: POWER OF THE MICROSTOVE 600-900W 3-5MIN 1000-1500W 2-4MIN NOTE: DIFFERENT POWER AND DESIGN OF THE MICROSTOVE WILL LEAD TO DIFFERENT HEATING TIME. IF THE WARM PLATE DO NOT HOT AFTER HEATING UPON THE ABOVE MINUTES, YOU CAN HEAT A BIT MORE TO REACH THE TEMPERATURE YOU NEED. PUT BOWL OR SOMETH... More About: Basket , Engrish
I Just Blew My Mind
2008-10-24 21:52:00 For some reason, Saw V is coming out this week. I guess they're just going to do that every year. The only Saw I ever saw was Saw. Whoa. That's weird. That's a lot of saws. Also, saw spelled backwards is was. And saw and was are past-tense verbs, of see and is, respectively. Si is Spanish for yes, and si spelled backwards is is, the present tense of was, which is saw spelled backwards. Dick More About: Mind
I Just Blew My Mind
2008-10-24 21:30:00 For some reason, Saw V is coming out this week. I guess they're just going to do that every year. The only Saw I ever saw was Saw. Whoa. That's weird. That's a lot of saws. Also, saw spelled backwards is was. And saw and was are past-tense verbs, of see and is, respectively. Si is Spanish for yes, and si spelled backwards is is, the present tense of was, which is saw spelled backwards. Dick York, Dick Sargent, Sargent York! I think I need to lie down. More About: Mind
Theological Entomology
2008-09-26 18:03:00 Bugs have a considerably more advanced society and social hierarchy than most people realize. Which makes me wonder, do insects have a religion? Do they see the crumbs and scraps left by humans as gifts from the Gods, and fly swatters and magnifying glasses as the wrath of God? Are there stories that get passed on from generation to generation about great bugs of the past, or even heavenly bugs More About: Theological
Theological Entomology
2008-09-26 17:49:00 Bugs have a considerably more advanced society and social hierarchy than most people realize. Which makes me wonder, do insects have a religion? Do they see the crumbs and scraps left by humans as gifts from the Gods, and fly swatters and magnifying glasses as the wrath of God? Are there stories that get passed on from generation to generation about great bugs of the past, or even heavenly bugs that promise salvation? If bugs had a Messiah, would he be the Anty Christ? If Jesus was an ant, Christians would wear asterisks around their necks. Think about that. More About: Theological
Same Crap. Different Day.
2008-09-17 18:11:00 Yeah, I know the last thing a wrote about was a giant floating turd breaking loose and wreaking havoc, and I'd really rather not have two back-to-back poop stories, but remember when Shaun the Homeless Black Guy and Sandra Bernhardt left a present in front of our office? Well, it happened again. Of course, we can't be certain exactly who's been laying bricks out there, since everyone's a suspect. More About: Crap
Babar, the Possibly Sinister Disappearing French Elephant
2008-09-16 14:26:00 I was about to check my email on Yahoo just now, and I saw an article about the biggest box office bombs in history. So I had to look at that. Just like he does in most of his movies, Eddie Murphy plays more than one part in this list, appearing in both Meet Dave and The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which had the biggest budget vs. box office intake deficit of them all. But the lowest-grossing movie More About: French , Elephant , Babar , Sinister
Babar, the Possibly Sinister Disappearing French Elephant
2008-09-15 22:02:00 I was about to check my email on Yahoo just now, and I saw an article about the biggest box office bombs in history. So I had to look at that. Just like he does in most of his movies, Eddie Murphy plays more than one part in this list, appearing in both Meet Dave and The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which had the biggest budget vs. box office intake deficit of them all. But the lowest-grossing movie ever is Zyzzx Road, starring Katherine Heigl and Tom Sizemore. It cost 2 million to make and did a grand total thirty bucks in theaters. Or, the one theater it played in. Thirty bucks. No wonder Sizemore's a crackhead. Anyway, after that I spent three minutes trying to explain to a co-worker who Katherine Heigl was, and another ten minutes trying to remember who I always confuse her with. The other one was in Knocked Up, right? No, that was Katherine Heigl. Oh, so the the other one was in that movie where the French guy that looks like Anton Chigurh is her dad. No, that's Katherine Heigl... More About: Elephant , Babar , Sinister
Same Crap. Different Day.
2008-09-11 13:44:00 Yeah, I know the last thing a wrote about was a giant floating turd breaking loose and wreaking havoc, and I'd really rather not have two back-to-back poop stories, but remember when Shaun the Homeless Black Guy and Sandra Bernhardt left a present in front of our office? Well, it happened again. Of course, we can't be certain exactly who's been laying bricks out there, since everyone's a suspect. But somebody did it. And it's been there since Monday. That's not really a smell that you want to start your week off with. The guilty party did have enough shame to cover it with the foil wrapper from a burger. I didn't really examine the thing to see if it was from McDonalds or Burger King, but regardless of what the wrapper said, underneath was definitely a Whopper. Again, in addition to our little graphic design outfit, this building houses, an art gallery, two salons (one of which is called Isoci, which I guess is pronounced EE-SO-SEE, but I always say it as i-socky) and whate... More About: Crap
Giant Poop Terrorizes City
2008-08-13 16:43:00 No, not this, it's a story in today's Metro: BERNE, SWITZERLAND. A giant inflatable dog mess, the centerpiece of an exhibition at a Swiss museum, broke free of its moorings, brought down a power line, smashed a window and landed in the garden of a children's home. The wind carried the house-sized fake poop 200 yards. METRO Forget the creepy eggman, this is the now the best thing ever. I More About: Poop , City , Giant
Giant Poop Terrorizes City
2008-08-13 14:07:00 No, not this, it's a story in today's Metro: BERNE, SWITZERLAND. A giant inflatable dog mess, the centerpiece of an exhibition at a Swiss museum, broke free of its moorings, brought down a power line, smashed a window and landed in the garden of a children's home. The wind carried the house-sized fake poop 200 yards. METRO Forget the creepy eggman, this is the now the best thing ever. I especially love how every news outlet that's picked up this story has used different euphemisms for "dog turd." But I am disappointed that no one referred to the escaped crud balloon as "loose stool." Here's some more about the incident, which happened July 31 but is only being reported internationally now, from the UK's Guardian: ...The exhibit, entitled Complex Shit, is the size of a house. It has a safety system that is supposed to deflate it in bad weather, but it did not work on this occasion... The installation is part of an exhibition called East of Eden: A Garden Show, which featur... More About: Poop , City , Giant
My Hometown: The Good, The Bad, and the Completely Made Up
2008-08-12 18:13:00 Every kid that ever went to elementary school in Weymouth has been to Abigail Adams' house. They also went to the state prison for a ninth grade field trip for health class for some reason. I think the moral was "Be sure to wash behind your ears, or a big guy named Angel with a giant crucifix tattooed on his chest will do it for you." Anyway, I'd imagine the the Abigail Adams house has seen a More About: Wikipedia , Made , Good , The Good
My Hometown: The Good, The Bad, and the Completely Made Up
2008-08-12 14:10:00 Every kid that ever went to elementary school in Weymouth has been to Abigail Adams' house. They also went to the state prison for a ninth grade field trip for health class for some reason. I think the moral was "Be sure to wash behind your ears, or a big guy named Angel with a giant crucifix tattooed on his chest will do it for you." Anyway, I'd imagine the the Abigail Adams house has seen a spike in attendance since HBO aired it's critically-acclaimed John Adams miniseries. There's no way to tell for sure, short of looking it up, and I don't feel like doing that. But they must be keeping busy, otherwise they would have had time to update their website. When was that thing designed, 1996? Get with the times, Abigail Adams' Birthplace and Museum! Book Laura Linney to give some tours or something. The point is, every kid growing up here knew the wife of the second President of the United States was from Weymouth. And thanks to Johnny Depp and Blow, we know major cocaine suppli... More About: Wikipedia , Made , Good , The Good
Why, Lord? Why?
2008-08-06 19:43:00 This picture is on my server. I vaguely remember making it, but I can't remember why. I'm sure there was a good reason for it at the time. Anyone from the old days have a better memory? I think it had something to do with NYPinTA. EDIT: Um...found it. Turns out it really was to torture NYPinTA. Sorry about that... More About: Lord
A Real American Hero
2008-08-04 23:35:00 I got an email this morning, purportedly from "Allah Stemple," with the following subject line: Fat Chinese Man Kills And Eats Brother Because He Was Hungry. So did lots of other people. I was then encouraged to watch the video. Given the recent horrific events in Canada, using this as a subject line for spam is probably in poor taste. Actually, under any circumstances this as a subject line is More About: American , Real , Hero
My Left Foot
2008-08-01 16:24:00 I started to write this over a month ago, then thought better of it and let in languish in Draft Hell, then later thought, this is a perfectly good post. There are some people that don't have any posts. So here you go... I noticed something this weekend that somehow went undetected for 29 years. Something that shocked and horrified me and left me completely confused as to my very existence. The More About: Left , Foot
Obligatory Catch Up Post
More articles from this author:2008-07-30 17:23:00 I've been a little distracted lately. It's been known to happen. But I'm back now, and nothing is going to, holy crap, what's that little music icon? Is that a new Blogger feature? Oh. Nevermind, it's a Foxytunes feature. I can now insert current track as my signature. But I'm not currently listening to anything, And since you most likely can't see the icon I'm referring to, this entire paragraph probably hasn't made any sense to you. Suffice it to say, if you use Firefox and have Foxytunes, you'll see a little G-clef icon just below "Preview" when you're creating a post in Blogger. I actually almost posted something over a month ago, because something happened that scared the crap out of me. Or, I thought something happened, but it turned out to be nothing. It's sort of embarrassing, actually. Maybe we should move on to something else. A lot has happened in the past few months. Michele finally got the new job she's been trying to get for nearly two years. Some places... More About: Post , Catch 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
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