Random Squeegee

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Faith and Begorrah! Me Poor Ears!
2008-11-14 22:26:00
A couple of months ago, I got my own office under cartoonishly ridiculous circumstances. So now I'm all the way down the hall from Joe, which sounds nice in theory, but it seems like he's in my office now even more than when I was next door to him. That's mostly because the back-up computer was moved to my office. We really only use it if we need to scan something (which is maybe twice a year) or if we need to pull a job off of--or put a job onto--the archive. By the way, Joe dubbed the backup drive "Hogwarts", which he thinks is hilarious. Anyway, no sooner had I sat down in the new office, Joe's in here saving old jobs to the archive and checking every ten minutes to see if it's finished. I told him I could check for him, so he doesn't need to come down here all the time. The estimated time to finish downloading was 40 minutes, so coming in to see if it's done every ten minutes just seems pointless. That computer also has the scanner, which we very rarely use, but when I f...
More About: Faith , Poor , Ears

Faith and Begorrah! Me Poor Ears!
2008-11-14 22:00:00
A couple of months ago, I got my own office under cartoonishly ridiculous circumstances. So now I'm all the way down the hall from Joe, which sounds nice in theory, but it seems like he's in my office now even more than when I was next door to him. That's mostly because the back-up computer was moved to my office. We really only use it if we need to scan something (which is maybe twice a year) or if we need to pull a job off of--or put a job onto--the archive. By the way, Joe dubbed the backup drive "Hogwarts", which he thinks is hilarious. Anyway, no sooner had I sat down in the new office, Joe's in here saving old jobs to the archive and checking every ten minutes to see if it's finished. I told him I could check for him, so he doesn't need to come down here all the time. The estimated time to finish downloading was 40 minutes, so coming in to see if it's done every ten minutes just seems pointless. That computer also has the scanner, which we very rarely use, but when I f...
More About: Faith , Poor , Ears

They Should Call this Blog Johnny Deformed
2008-11-11 18:59:00
You know how people ask how do you know if the refrigerator light goes off when you close the door, and they think they're being clever or something, but it's a stupid question because there's a button that switches the light off when it's pressed, and since it's right in the door track, the weight of the door turns it off? You can press it with your finger when the door is open, for crying out loud. I don't know where I was going with that. I think it had something to do with what I do when I'm not blogging. I'm not some monkey here for your amusement, I've got a lot on my plate right now. It's not like when I'm not posting here, I go into stasis or anything, in a giant, hermetically-sealed Tupperware container 300 feet below the surface of the Earth, where an advanced society of mole-men monitor my vital signs and flood my mind with gamma rays encoded with subliminal messages, effectively making me a sleeper agent in their quest to take over the Topside. That's just si...
More About: Blog , Call , Johnny

They Should Call this Blog Johnny Deformed
2008-11-11 17:00:00
You know how people ask how do you know if the refrigerator light goes off when you close the door, and they think they're being clever or something, but it's a stupid question because there's a button that switches the light off when it's pressed, and since it's right in the door track, the weight of the door turns it off? You can press it with your finger when the door is open, for crying out loud. I don't know where I was going with that. I think it had something to do with what I do when I'm not blogging. I'm not some monkey here for your amusement, I've got a lot on my plate right now. It's not like when I'm not posting here, I go into stasis or anything, in a giant, hermetically-sealed Tupperware container 300 feet below the surface of the Earth, where an advanced society of mole-men monitor my vital signs and flood my mind with gamma rays encoded with subliminal messages, effectively making me a sleeper agent in their quest to take over the Topside. That's just si...
More About: Blog , Call , Johnny

It Puts the Dring in the Basket
2008-10-27 19:23:00
Apparently more people read this thing than just you guys. I guess that means I have to update more. Lousy new people. So here's one that's been in the queue for a while, because I couldn't really think of a good intro. All you need to know is Brianna's school had a fundraiser, so she brought home a catalog for us to bring to work and see if anyone sees anything they might want. There was
More About: Basket

It Puts the Dring in the Basket
2008-10-27 18:50:00
Apparently more people read this thing than just you guys. I guess that means I have to update more. Lousy new people. So here's one that's been in the queue for a while, because I couldn't really think of a good intro. All you need to know is Brianna's school had a fundraiser, so she brought home a catalog for us to bring to work and see if anyone sees anything they might want. There was actually some pretty cool looking things in there, not the crappy magazine subscriptions we were forced to shill. My mom bought a trivet. Here are the instructions that were printed on the back of the box. INSTRUCTION 1. HEAT PRESERVATION WHILE HEATING PUT THE MARBLE SIDE UP, HEAT AS FOLLOWS: POWER OF THE MICROSTOVE 600-900W 3-5MIN 1000-1500W 2-4MIN NOTE: DIFFERENT POWER AND DESIGN OF THE MICROSTOVE WILL LEAD TO DIFFERENT HEATING TIME. IF THE WARM PLATE DO NOT HOT AFTER HEATING UPON THE ABOVE MINUTES, YOU CAN HEAT A BIT MORE TO REACH THE TEMPERATURE YOU NEED. PUT BOWL OR SOMETH...
More About: Basket , Engrish

I Just Blew My Mind
2008-10-24 21:52:00
For some reason, Saw V is coming out this week. I guess they're just going to do that every year. The only Saw I ever saw was Saw. Whoa. That's weird. That's a lot of saws. Also, saw spelled backwards is was. And saw and was are past-tense verbs, of see and is, respectively. Si is Spanish for yes, and si spelled backwards is is, the present tense of was, which is saw spelled backwards. Dick
More About: Mind

I Just Blew My Mind
2008-10-24 21:30:00
For some reason, Saw V is coming out this week. I guess they're just going to do that every year. The only Saw I ever saw was Saw. Whoa. That's weird. That's a lot of saws. Also, saw spelled backwards is was. And saw and was are past-tense verbs, of see and is, respectively. Si is Spanish for yes, and si spelled backwards is is, the present tense of was, which is saw spelled backwards. Dick York, Dick Sargent, Sargent York! I think I need to lie down.
More About: Mind

Theological Entomology
2008-09-26 18:03:00
Bugs have a considerably more advanced society and social hierarchy than most people realize. Which makes me wonder, do insects have a religion? Do they see the crumbs and scraps left by humans as gifts from the Gods, and fly swatters and magnifying glasses as the wrath of God? Are there stories that get passed on from generation to generation about great bugs of the past, or even heavenly bugs
More About: Theological

Theological Entomology
2008-09-26 17:49:00
Bugs have a considerably more advanced society and social hierarchy than most people realize. Which makes me wonder, do insects have a religion? Do they see the crumbs and scraps left by humans as gifts from the Gods, and fly swatters and magnifying glasses as the wrath of God? Are there stories that get passed on from generation to generation about great bugs of the past, or even heavenly bugs that promise salvation? If bugs had a Messiah, would he be the Anty Christ? If Jesus was an ant, Christians would wear asterisks around their necks. Think about that.
More About: Theological

Same Crap. Different Day.
2008-09-17 18:11:00
Yeah, I know the last thing a wrote about was a giant floating turd breaking loose and wreaking havoc, and I'd really rather not have two back-to-back poop stories, but remember when Shaun the Homeless Black Guy and Sandra Bernhardt left a present in front of our office? Well, it happened again. Of course, we can't be certain exactly who's been laying bricks out there, since everyone's a suspect.
More About: Crap

Babar, the Possibly Sinister Disappearing French Elephant
2008-09-16 14:26:00
I was about to check my email on Yahoo just now, and I saw an article about the biggest box office bombs in history. So I had to look at that. Just like he does in most of his movies, Eddie Murphy plays more than one part in this list, appearing in both Meet Dave and The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which had the biggest budget vs. box office intake deficit of them all. But the lowest-grossing movie
More About: French , Elephant , Babar , Sinister

Babar, the Possibly Sinister Disappearing French Elephant
2008-09-15 22:02:00
I was about to check my email on Yahoo just now, and I saw an article about the biggest box office bombs in history. So I had to look at that. Just like he does in most of his movies, Eddie Murphy plays more than one part in this list, appearing in both Meet Dave and The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which had the biggest budget vs. box office intake deficit of them all. But the lowest-grossing movie ever is Zyzzx Road, starring Katherine Heigl and Tom Sizemore. It cost 2 million to make and did a grand total thirty bucks in theaters. Or, the one theater it played in. Thirty bucks. No wonder Sizemore's a crackhead. Anyway, after that I spent three minutes trying to explain to a co-worker who Katherine Heigl was, and another ten minutes trying to remember who I always confuse her with. The other one was in Knocked Up, right? No, that was Katherine Heigl. Oh, so the the other one was in that movie where the French guy that looks like Anton Chigurh is her dad. No, that's Katherine Heigl...
More About: Elephant , Babar , Sinister

Same Crap. Different Day.
2008-09-11 13:44:00
Yeah, I know the last thing a wrote about was a giant floating turd breaking loose and wreaking havoc, and I'd really rather not have two back-to-back poop stories, but remember when Shaun the Homeless Black Guy and Sandra Bernhardt left a present in front of our office? Well, it happened again. Of course, we can't be certain exactly who's been laying bricks out there, since everyone's a suspect. But somebody did it. And it's been there since Monday. That's not really a smell that you want to start your week off with. The guilty party did have enough shame to cover it with the foil wrapper from a burger. I didn't really examine the thing to see if it was from McDonalds or Burger King, but regardless of what the wrapper said, underneath was definitely a Whopper. Again, in addition to our little graphic design outfit, this building houses, an art gallery, two salons (one of which is called Isoci, which I guess is pronounced EE-SO-SEE, but I always say it as i-socky) and whate...
More About: Crap

Giant Poop Terrorizes City
2008-08-13 16:43:00
No, not this, it's a story in today's Metro: BERNE, SWITZERLAND. A giant inflatable dog mess, the centerpiece of an exhibition at a Swiss museum, broke free of its moorings, brought down a power line, smashed a window and landed in the garden of a children's home. The wind carried the house-sized fake poop 200 yards. METRO Forget the creepy eggman, this is the now the best thing ever. I
More About: Poop , City , Giant

Giant Poop Terrorizes City
2008-08-13 14:07:00
No, not this, it's a story in today's Metro: BERNE, SWITZERLAND. A giant inflatable dog mess, the centerpiece of an exhibition at a Swiss museum, broke free of its moorings, brought down a power line, smashed a window and landed in the garden of a children's home. The wind carried the house-sized fake poop 200 yards. METRO Forget the creepy eggman, this is the now the best thing ever. I especially love how every news outlet that's picked up this story has used different euphemisms for "dog turd." But I am disappointed that no one referred to the escaped crud balloon as "loose stool." Here's some more about the incident, which happened July 31 but is only being reported internationally now, from the UK's Guardian: ...The exhibit, entitled Complex Shit, is the size of a house. It has a safety system that is supposed to deflate it in bad weather, but it did not work on this occasion... The installation is part of an exhibition called East of Eden: A Garden Show, which featur...
More About: Poop , City , Giant

My Hometown: The Good, The Bad, and the Completely Made Up
2008-08-12 18:13:00
Every kid that ever went to elementary school in Weymouth has been to Abigail Adams' house. They also went to the state prison for a ninth grade field trip for health class for some reason. I think the moral was "Be sure to wash behind your ears, or a big guy named Angel with a giant crucifix tattooed on his chest will do it for you." Anyway, I'd imagine the the Abigail Adams house has seen a
More About: Wikipedia , Made , Good , The Good

My Hometown: The Good, The Bad, and the Completely Made Up
2008-08-12 14:10:00
Every kid that ever went to elementary school in Weymouth has been to Abigail Adams' house. They also went to the state prison for a ninth grade field trip for health class for some reason. I think the moral was "Be sure to wash behind your ears, or a big guy named Angel with a giant crucifix tattooed on his chest will do it for you." Anyway, I'd imagine the the Abigail Adams house has seen a spike in attendance since HBO aired it's critically-acclaimed John Adams miniseries. There's no way to tell for sure, short of looking it up, and I don't feel like doing that. But they must be keeping busy, otherwise they would have had time to update their website. When was that thing designed, 1996? Get with the times, Abigail Adams' Birthplace and Museum! Book Laura Linney to give some tours or something. The point is, every kid growing up here knew the wife of the second President of the United States was from Weymouth. And thanks to Johnny Depp and Blow, we know major cocaine suppli...
More About: Wikipedia , Made , Good , The Good

Why, Lord? Why?
2008-08-06 19:43:00
This picture is on my server. I vaguely remember making it, but I can't remember why. I'm sure there was a good reason for it at the time. Anyone from the old days have a better memory? I think it had something to do with NYPinTA. EDIT: Um...found it. Turns out it really was to torture NYPinTA. Sorry about that...
More About: Lord

A Real American Hero
2008-08-04 23:35:00
I got an email this morning, purportedly from "Allah Stemple," with the following subject line: Fat Chinese Man Kills And Eats Brother Because He Was Hungry. So did lots of other people. I was then encouraged to watch the video. Given the recent horrific events in Canada, using this as a subject line for spam is probably in poor taste. Actually, under any circumstances this as a subject line is
More About: American , Real , Hero

My Left Foot
2008-08-01 16:24:00
I started to write this over a month ago, then thought better of it and let in languish in Draft Hell, then later thought, this is a perfectly good post. There are some people that don't have any posts. So here you go... I noticed something this weekend that somehow went undetected for 29 years. Something that shocked and horrified me and left me completely confused as to my very existence. The
More About: Left , Foot

Obligatory Catch Up Post
2008-07-30 17:23:00
I've been a little distracted lately. It's been known to happen. But I'm back now, and nothing is going to, holy crap, what's that little music icon? Is that a new Blogger feature? Oh. Nevermind, it's a Foxytunes feature. I can now insert current track as my signature. But I'm not currently listening to anything, And since you most likely can't see the icon I'm referring to, this entire paragraph probably hasn't made any sense to you. Suffice it to say, if you use Firefox and have Foxytunes, you'll see a little G-clef icon just below "Preview" when you're creating a post in Blogger. I actually almost posted something over a month ago, because something happened that scared the crap out of me. Or, I thought something happened, but it turned out to be nothing. It's sort of embarrassing, actually. Maybe we should move on to something else. A lot has happened in the past few months. Michele finally got the new job she's been trying to get for nearly two years. Some places...
More About: Post , Catch

The Greatest Thing in the World
2008-06-06 20:02:00
I will now attempt a transcript. Unholy Humpty Dumpty Mutant Eggman thing is sitting on a wall... Kinder...yibbo shaky! shakes smaller, non-mutant egg Me unscrabbly. unwraps foil cover to reveal chocolate egg inside. Choca Doobee! opens chocolate egg to reveal yet another egg, this one made of plastic Doubly Choco Doobee, ops wubbo! (laughs) opens yellow plastic egg, tiny plastic man which could possibly be a soldier but on further inspection he's got a red chef's hat on and holding a wooden spoon (also inexplicably red) Tooooyy! Mutant Eggman has apparently just eaten some of the chocolate Yodel yum and choco scrum with multi-pumfabo toys! picks up a small toy airplane from assortment of Kinder Surprise toys next to him Oh, grobelee! moves arms in circular motion; raises eyebrows. outside in the cold distance, a cuckoo cuckoos Me scooble now. Nogo. Wheee! Mutant Eggman does the "redrum" finger thing, and freefalls backwards of the wall. Proper British Announcer says "Kinder Su...
More About: World , The World , Thing , Greatest

But I'm Your Density...
2008-05-12 14:15:00
Why didn't George McFly divorce his wife when his son came out looking exactly like the guy that "helped" him get her to go out with him high school? Once Marty hit puberty, George should have been a little suspicious of the striking similarities. As if that wasn't bad enough, she named the kid after him, just to rub it in! Maybe he just decided to let it slide. Why let one little indiscretion ruin a good thing? Maybe he thought, "It could be worse. At least he doesn't look like Biff."

Nonfiction Books: Why I Hate Them, Why I Think Every Nonfiction Author Shou
2008-05-08 20:15:00
Why does every single non fiction book include a colon followed by a friggin' paragraph-long subtitle? That ticks me off a lot more than it probably should. It doesn't help that the two biggest offenders, political hit jobs and and self help books, are the two most deplorable genres anyone could ever write about. It's bad enough they're blood-sucking leeches, but do they have to be so obnoxious about it? One of these days someone is going to write "CHAMPION!: The true story of how I overcame adversity, and against all odds, wrote a book with the longest subtitle in history and scored a bunch of chicks and a sweet movie deal, so look for Champion!: The true story of how I overcame adversity, and against all odds, wrote a book with the longest subtitle in history and scored a bunch of chicks and a sweet movie deal in theaters this Summer. If I ever write a nonfiction book, The title will just be something short, followed by a colon. And the entire inside of the book will be th...
More About: Books , Hate , Author , Hate Them , Nonfiction

Coming this Summer
2008-04-23 15:11:00
Today I learned that if you put Daniel Day-Lewis' head on Will Smith's body and tint the the whole thing orange, you get Vin Disel.
More About: Summer

The Majority of People Are Unusual
2008-04-17 14:41:00
This lands in my inbox every once in a while, but for some reason, this time I started thinking about it, specifically the first paragraph: Fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it. Okay, it says that only 55% of people can read this, but then it explains that it doesn't matter what order the letters are in, the human brain will still be able to read them. So sho...
More About: People

Test
2008-04-17 02:33:00
This sucks. where the hell is my website? Edit: Okay, some of it's back. But where's the masthead? And Amazo? I guess it's a start... EDIT: Gah! All the images are gone! EDIT: Hold on, I think everything is back know. I had to switch from posting everything via FTP from my own server to publishing from Blogger using a custom domain name. I don't know what any of that means, but I think it's working again. Except now I've got that stupid Blooger toolbar think at the top of the page. How do I get rid of that?
More About: Test

Who Am I? Why Am I Here?
2008-04-08 17:55:00
I've lost my memory. Well, half my memory. Well, it's not technically my memory. Let me start over. I'm typing this on my company-issued Powerbook G4 with 15-inch screen, two RAM ports, a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time. This particular model has a defect that can render the lower RAM port unreadable, cutting the speed of the machine in half. When this happened to a couple of the computers here a few years ago, they were taken to the Apple store to be repaired and we checked the rest of them to make sure they were using both RAM slots. Mine checked out all right, so I thought I must have gotten lucky and didn't get one of the defective ones. About a month ago, I noticed my laptop was running ridiculously slow. Every command was followed by a lengthy appearance by that stupid spinning rainbow. My browser quit constantly, and even the simplest tasks were met with resistance. Clearly, I needed more memory, 512 MB is much too small these days, especially in th...

Nothing Can Kill the Grimace
2008-03-05 18:13:00
We were talking about the Bourne movies at work and somehow that led me to Yoda backpacks, and then to the Wikipedia page for McDonaldland characters. I don't know how exactly, but I do know that what I saw there confused and frightened me. Tacked on to the last line of the write-up about Grimace, the lovable purple blob that's supposed to represent milkshakes, was the following epitaph: "The character was retained after the streamlining of the characters in the '80s, but was dropped in 2007." What? What?!! Those sons of bitches! They killed Grimace! And by extension, Uncle O'Grimacey! But that wasn't even the worst of it, apparently Early Bird, the McNugget buddies, the Fry Kids, and even poor, mentally disabled Hamburglar have been raptured up into McDonalds heaven. Leaving only Ronald to traverse the desolate wasteland, alone and broken. Some may have seen these characters as cold, heartless corporate mascots that contribute to America's growing obesity problem, but screw...
More About: Kill