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Random Squeegee

Random Squeegee
Every time you comment, an angel wins the lottery. Conversely, every time you don't comment, an orphan gets fed to wild dogs. I hope I'm not putting too much stock into the popularity of orphans.

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Local Man Hit By Bus
2007-04-24 16:42:00
Crap. I spent the last hour, and most likely the next one, trying to print an A6 envelope on the color printer. The multi-purpose tray has markings to show where an A6 envelope should go, but that size is inexplicably absent from the preset options for envelopes. It has A7, but not A6. Why did they bother marking it on the tray then?! There is a "custom" option, so I entered the A6 size in there, but it was positioned wrong and cut off most of the type. Oh, and it created big black imprints of the folds on the other side of the envelope all over the front. I haven't been lucky enough to need to print on a pre-made non-number 10 envelope on this printer until now, but others in the office who've had to deal with it in the past said the best way to do it is to resize the document to 8.5 x 11, set the printer to the thick card stock setting, and tape the envelope to a regular piece of paper. And to avoid the imprint from the folds, I need to put thick paper in the envelope. We only...
More About: Local , Loca

For Real This Time
2007-04-23 21:42:00
Ok. There's going to be a new post tomorrow morning, or may God strike me down with a Fung Wah bus. And by morning I mean before noon. Ish. Eastern Standard Time .
More About: Real

Don't Read This
2007-03-27 20:18:00
18 days ago, I mentioned something about doing a Joe post. Then work got busy again so any hopes of hearing new Joe-isms were crashed. And now for the past few days I've had a cold. Nothing too bad, just a little coughing, lots of sneezing (at least 1 in 5 with gross, mucusy projectiles), and a constant nose drip. I mean literally CONSTANT. It refuses to stop running. How much more can possibly be in there? I'm starting to fear that eventually, my nose and, maybe even my entire head, will just dry up, shrivel and fall off. I tore through a box of Kleenex yesterday, but all I have to show for it is a trash barrel filled with hardened, crumpled up tissues and the assurance that in a couple of days, I'm going to have those gross sores all under my nose. But I've just made a medical breakthrough. If I stick Kleenix in my nostrils and hold it in place with a piece of tape that runs across the bridge of my nose to my cheeks, I can stop the dripping, and hopefully avoid the horrible ...
More About: Read , This

Purple Monkey Dishwasher
2007-03-09 20:00:00
For some reason, TV executives seem to think that shows with ongoing storylines are bad. People would rather casually watch a string of standalone episodes rather than seeing a serialized plot drawn out over several episodes, seasons, or God forbid, the entire run of the show. Apparently, people who don't watch any given show regularly may sit down to watch one day, but rather than being drawn into the story, they're confused by the addition of a character than wasn't on when they last caught the show months earlier. Worried that they'll lose these casual viewers, they flood the schedule with filler episodes, significantly limiting the number of episodes devoted to the show's ongoing story arch and effectively pissing off all the people who actually tune in every week. Enough with the pointless filler episodes already! Screw the casual viewers, let them watch Dancing with the Stars or find out if they're smarter than a fifth-grader. My money's on "no." The Dead Zone is a goo...
More About: Monk , Monkey , Purple , Wash , Dish

Purple Monkey Dishwasher
2007-03-09 19:00:00
For some reason, TV executives seem to think that shows with ongoing storylines are bad. People would rather casually watch a string of standalone episodes rather than seeing a serialized plot drawn out over several episodes, seasons, or God forbid, the entire run of the show. Apparently, people who don't watch any given show regularly may sit down to watch one day, but rather than being drawn into the story, they're confused by the addition of a character than wasn't on when they last caught the show months earlier. Worried that they'll lose these casual viewers, they flood the schedule with filler episodes, significantly limiting the number of episodes devoted to the show's ongoing story arch and effectively pissing off all the people who actually tune in every week. Enough with the pointless filler episodes already! Screw the casual viewers, let them watch Dancing with the Stars or find out if they're smarter than a fifth-grader. My money's on "no." The Dead Zone is a goo...
More About: Monkey , Purple

Damn You, Farrago!
2007-03-07 21:07:03
It seems I've been tagged. Again. I don't know if you're familiar with the process, but once tagged, you are required by law to divulge five previously unknown facts about yourself that will inform and frighten anyone foolish enough to stumble onto them. So let's get started... 1. I read a quote in the sports section of the Metro this morning that I haven't been able to figure out all day. The quote belonged to a park ranger, who was commenting on three survivors of a plane crash. He said, "If these guys were a cat with nine lives, they just used up three of them." I know he was trying to convey that they were lucky, but if the three guys were one cat? What does that mean? Why do you need three guys to make a cat? Are they forming Voltron? Could he have meant if each of the three guys were individual cats, each would have used up three of their nine lives, as if to say surviving a plane crash is so harrowing it uses up extra lives? If it was only two guys, at least you could i...
More About: Damn

The Weather is a Bastard
2007-03-07 21:07:03
I feel like there's an update on everyone's favorite unfrozen caveman designer in the near future. A lot has happened in the past few months. For instance, did I mention we have a new employee here at Where I Work, Inc.? And that it's a lady-type? Well, there is and she is. There was some lively discussion a few years ago as to whether Joe would shy away from blurting out such nuggets as "suck me off" and "everyone wants to lick me" if we ever got a female mixed back into the previously all-male staff, and if he didn't, whether it would driver her away screaming into the night. I have the answers to those questions and more, including what this is all about. But first, I want to talk about the weather. Back in January, the trees in the public garden started blooming because it was so unseasonably warm. It didn't finally get cold until around the end of January or the first week of February. And when it did get cold, it got really cold. Fast. Despite the cold, or perhaps becau...
More About: Weather , Star , Bastard

The Weather is a Bastard
2007-03-03 04:03:00
I feel like there's an update on everyone's favorite unfrozen caveman designer in the near future. A lot has happened in the past few months. For instance, did I mention we have a new employee here at Where I Work, Inc.? And that it's a lady-type? Well, there is and she is. There was some lively discussion a few years ago as to whether Joe would shy away from blurting out such nuggets as "suck me off" and "everyone wants to lick me" if we ever got a female mixed back into the previously all-male staff, and if he didn't, whether it would driver her away screaming into the night. I have the answers to those questions and more, including what this is all about. But first, I want to talk about the weather. Back in January, the trees in the public garden started blooming because it was so unseasonably warm. It didn't finally get cold until around the end of January or the first week of February. And when it did get cold, it got really cold. Fast. Despite the cold, or perhaps becau...
More About: Weather , Bastard

Damn You, Farrago!
2007-02-28 12:17:00
It seems I've been tagged. Again. I don't know if you're familiar with the process, but once tagged, you are required by law to divulge five previously unknown facts about yourself that will inform and frighten anyone foolish enough to stumble onto them. So let's get started... 1. I read a quote in the sports section of the Metro this morning that I haven't been able to figure out all day. The quote belonged to a park ranger, who was commenting on three survivors of a plane crash. He said, "If these guys were a cat with nine lives, they just used up three of them." I know he was trying to convey that they were lucky, but if the three guys were one cat? What does that mean? Why do you need three guys to make a cat? Are they forming Voltron? Could he have meant if each of the three guys were individual cats, each would have used up three of their nine lives, as if to say surviving a plane crash is so harrowing it uses up extra lives? If it was only two guys, at least you could i...
More About: Damn

It's Not All Smiles And Sunshine
2007-02-28 04:39:00
As Joe would inexplicably blurt out every couple of hours, "Sherman, set the WABAC Machine to the nine-teen-fifties." Yup, he actually says that, and in true Joe fashion, it's always "the 1950's". Didn't that show come out in the 60's? (1959, actually.) In it's entire 90-plus episode run, I don't think they ever did an episode where they went back in time 10 years. It was always like the old west or ancient Egypt or something. Anyway, instead of the '50's, let's go back about three weeks. Ryan had just come home from China, and had a little over a week of downtime before he and the rest of my family left for Bermuda. We went to see the Pirates of the Caribbean sequel that weekend. Glenn didn't go, because he went in town to see it dressed as a pirate the night it opened. You'd think a bunch of teenagers dressed like pirates would be the strangest ones in the theater, but according to Glenn there was some drunk lady there that threw up on herself twice during the movie....
More About: Sunshine , Shine , Smile , Mile , Smiles

The Phone is Dead. Long Live the Phone!
2007-02-27 21:05:02
Last weekend we watched Click. I'm sure you remember how that turned out. This weekend we saw Bridge to Terabithia. Wow. I've got to start researching these movies before we watch them. I knew it was based on a book, but having never read the book, I didn't really know what to expect. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the movie, but it's not even close to what I was expecting based on the previews. The commercials made it look like a Chronicles of Narnia sort of movie. Yeah. Not so much. It was a lot closer to My Girl. I remember seeing My Girl on HBO, unknowingly assuming I was watching an innocent, care-free little kid's movie, then BLAM! I remember thinking, "What the hell, movie?" In this movie, everything was moving along nicely, although halfway through I was starting to wonder why they called it Bridge to Terabithia, since they used a rope to get there. The main character goes to the museum with his hot music teacher. When they get back, his parents flip out, and I figured...
More About: Phone , Live , Dead , Long

What's the Deal with All These Corpses?
2007-02-24 09:03:01
While I was in bed last night, I thought of the perfect topic for today's post. I was going to write about this obnoxious and disturbing trend that'd really been bugging me, but no one had really mentioned until now. I was really surprised at how many people had just jumped on board with it, and I thought of all this funny stuff to stay. The only problem is, the trend doesn't exist. I was having some kind of insane dream. I hate when that happens. In the dream, for whatever reason, people started displaying corpses all over the place. Human freaking corpses. Most were fakes; just decorative life-like lifeless bodies littering suburban lawns. You know those things they have now that are dressed in children's clothing that you prop up against the wall so it looks like a kid in "time out?" Well, everyone had like four or five bodies like that, only they were tipped over and positioned to look like there was a massacre on their lawns. Some of the bodies were just wire frames covere...
More About: With , What , Hat , Deal , These

Good Grief, The Comedian's a Bear!
2007-02-23 09:02:02
Sunday night we decided to watch the movie Click. Brianna wanted to see it when it came out last year, because they showed commercials for it on Nickelodeon, but we didn't get around to seeing it in the theater. But here it was On Demand, for three bucks. I didn't know how age-appropriate an Adam Sandler movie was, but if they advertised on Nickelodeon it can't be too bad. So we watched it. It's Adam Sandler. It's a light-hearted comedy. Ha Ha! What fun! What could possibly go wrong? Apparently they forgot to mention that midway through the movie, they drop the light-hearted comedy in favor of hardcore depression. If you don't know the plot, the story is that Adam Sandler plays Michael Newman, an architect who keeps opening the garage door every time he wants to change the channel. So he goes to Bed, Bath and Beyond to get a universal remote. (I guess the rest would be considered spoilers, but if you haven't seen it, read on anyway or my story won't make any sense.) In t...
More About: Media , Comedia , Comedian , Come , Dian

The Mystery of The Cannibal King
2007-02-23 09:02:02
Trina shared some of her grandpa's crazy-ass old-timey songs, and while some of them helped to explain how she got where she is today, a few of them I recognized from my own impressionable youth. But one of the songs absent from her list has been running through my head lately, and as is the case with such things, I can't get it out until I pass it along to someone else. If you or anyone you know has an AARP card, then you've probably sang, or were forcibly made to listen to someone else sing, about the enigmatic Cann ibal King . The Cannibal King, the legend goes, had a big nose ring. The king falls in love, but after that, the legend gets a bit hazy. My dad, and to a lesser extent, his sister, always used to sing this song, but apart from them, I'd never heard it anywhere else. Ever. It's been a while since I heard it, but I think it went something like this: Oh, the Cannibal King With the big nose ring Fell in love with the dusting maid. And every night by the mellow moonlig...
More About: Mystery , Myst

CMPAL!
2007-02-16 20:58:03
Okay, first of all, it's Valentine's Day. For one more hour, anyway. Yesterday I drew and printed out cards with little bears on them for Brianna to give to the kids in her class, to break up the monotony of all the Disney Princess/SpongeBob Squarepants/Ninja Turtle store-bought cards all the rest of the kids brought in. Drawing the bear was the easy part. The hard part was thinking of something to write on them. I thought of just going with a generic "Happy Valentine's Day!" But according to the school calender, February 14 is "Red and Pink Day". I didn't know if this was some asinine PC re-imaging of Valentine's Day, which would be completely stupid, or simply an extension of "School Spirit Week," (Monday was "Crazy Hat Day", etc.), which is slightly less stupid. Anyway, just to safeguard myself from some parent complaining that by getting a card with the words "Valentine's Day" on it, their kid was coerced into participating in a vaguely Christian pseudo-holiday fueled by...

Robert Goulet is Messing With my Stuff
2007-02-06 08:51:01
Yesterday was the Super Bowl. I don't really want to talk about it, but to sum up, Rex Grossman proved to be the better quarterback by single-handedly winning the game for the Colts. Yet he was robbed of the MVP award just because of all the sentimental fawning over perennial bridesmaid Peyton Manning. Grossman (or "Gross, Man!" as every sports headline writer on the planet referred to him this morning) did everything he could to ensure the Colts' victory. He threw interceptions, fumbled, turned an easy second and one into third and twenty-two, and otherwise made sure that Chicago's offense was on the field for as little time as possible. And did anyone on the Colts' side even bother to thank him for his tireless effort to help their cause? Did Manning thank Lovie Smith for inexplicably not benching Grossman for Brian Griese in a game that was still totally winnable even up until the last moronic drive? I hope Indianapolis fans will at least send these two guys a thank you card...
More About: With , Stuff , Messi , My Stuff , Sing

Err...
2007-02-06 08:51:01
This morning a lot of Boston commuters were late for work, thanks to a suspicious package found under a bridge near I-93. The "package," newspapers reported, had tubes and wires sticking out of it and was eventually contained and neutralized. After the device was safely detonated and determined to not be an explosive device, everyone breathed a sigh of relief and went on with their lives. Until a few hours later, when another package was found under another bridge. And then another. At least five packages were found, all under bridges. What the heck was going on? Why were they all under bridges? Were we being attacked by trolls? Sirens went off all over the city. People started to panic. A press conference was scheduled for 4 PM, with both the mayor and governor set to address the rash of suspicious devices. Here's a photo of one of the "packages": And here's one of the "packages" under a bridge at night (sorry, all i could get was a link). During the press conference, the ...

Wednesday is Fun Fact Day
2007-01-25 08:46:03
Fun fact: As of the writing, a Google search for "It's the meers" brings up about 59 results, including one from Commercials I Hate.com, a website I spent about an hour and a half reading today.
More About: Fun , Fact , Wednesday

That Time of Year
2007-01-08 23:05:00
Despite years of research and billions of dollars in government grants, scientists are still baffled by Joe's uncanny ability to work an old TV show called Captain Nice, into a conversation. Upon mentioning Captain Nice, he will offer a nugget like, "It starred Mr. Feeny" before switching the subject to another obscure short-lived TV series, Mr. Terrific. Perhaps most amazingly, every time this nostalgia bug bites him, he has absolutely no recollection of any of the previous times he's mentioned the same thing, virtually word for word, yet he can remember that the Cap'n's secret identity was Carter Nash. Since 2001, when we both started working here, he's brought up Captain Nice and Mr. Terrific at least once a year. Most times he's testing John T. on his memory of old TV shows. Today, roughly the sixth he brought it up in as many years, he brought up Captain Nice because he wants to find the series on DVD. And just to keep the pattern going, he said he'd also like to find M...
More About: Time , That , Year

See You in Hell, 2006!
2007-01-04 08:29:01
I'm just going to come out and say it. I like chai. And green tea. And flavored coffee. I used to get embarrassed ordering anything that wasn't plain coffee, until I heard Joe call french vanilla a "fruity drink" and realized that's just stupid. Funny how you don't really notice that something is dumb until you hear Joe say it. There's no end to the weird flavors they keep coming up with for coffee and tea, but has anyone ever thought of combining coffee and tea? Imagine coffee-flavored tea, or tea-flavored coffee. Cofftea. Or Teaffee. Why am I not working on developing this right now? It's a goldmine. Goldmine, I say! Crap. Apparently several hundred people beat me to it. Aw, my millions. Oh well. At least the Spare Change Guy is doing alright for himself... br> Panhandler arrested three times in one week By Danielle Ameden/Daily News Correspondent Tuesday, January 02, 2007 FRAMINGHAM - "Spare Change Guy" is making a name for himself. Trying to add a little jingle to his...
More About: Hell

See You in Hell, 2006!
2007-01-03 18:01:00
I'm just going to come out and say it. I like chai. And green tea. And flavored coffee. I used to get embarrassed ordering anything that wasn't plain coffee, until I heard Joe call french vanilla a "fruity drink" and realized that's just stupid. Funny how you don't really notice that something is dumb until you hear Joe say it. There's no end to the weird flavors they keep coming up with for coffee and tea, but has anyone ever thought of combining coffee and tea? Imagine coffee-flavored tea, or tea-flavored coffee. Cofftea. Or Teaffee. Why am I not working on developing this right now? It's a goldmine. Goldmine, I say! Crap. Apparently several hundred people beat me to it. Aw, my millions. Oh well. At least the Spare Change Guy is doing alright for himself... br> Panhandler arrested three times in one week By Danielle Ameden/Daily News Correspondent Tuesday, January 02, 2007 FRAMINGHAM - "Spare Change Guy" is making a name for himself. Trying to add a little jingle to his...
More About: Hell

new post coming...
2006-12-21 02:18:02
It's on it's way. Really. In the meantime, here's a picture of an evil dummy bound and gagged and hanging from the ceiling of a backwards E.T.-wallpaper-covered closet. Discuss.
More About: Post , Ming

new post coming...
2006-12-13 20:44:00
It's on it's way. Really. In the meantime, here's a picture of an evil dummy bound and gagged and hanging from the ceiling of a backwards E.T.-wallpaper-covered closet. Discuss.
More About: Post , Ming

My Photo of Scary Balls
2006-12-02 20:13:02
Back when I lived in Quincy, I was accosted in my sleep by a grim specter of evil. Or, like millions of Americans, I suffer from sleep apnea. It all depends on your willingness to believe that there are some things in life that just can't be explained away. As for me, I feel content thinking that it was just isolated sleep paralysis, although it is a bit strange that while it happened several times in that apartment, it hasn't happened before or since. Only happened there. Granted, I've made it a point not to sleep on my back since then, (it only happened while I was on my back) I usually move around so much in my sleep that I'm never in the same position when I wake up than when I went to sleep. I'm curious about stuff like that; ghosts and the unexplained and stuff. Not too curious, because I'm also a tremendous chicken, but curious enough to check online every once and a while and see what kind of experiences people have had. Searching for ghost pictures can be fun, in spi...
More About: Photo , Scary , Balls , Ball

My Photo of Scary Balls
2006-10-30 19:42:00
Back when I lived in Quincy, I was accosted in my sleep by a grim specter of evil. Or, like millions of Americans, I suffer from sleep apnea. It all depends on your willingness to believe that there are some things in life that just can't be explained away. As for me, I feel content thinking that it was just isolated sleep paralysis, although it is a bit strange that while it happened several times in that apartment, it hasn't happened before or since. Only happened there. Granted, I've made it a point not to sleep on my back since then, (it only happened while I was on my back) I usually move around so much in my sleep that I'm never in the same position when I wake up than when I went to sleep. I'm curious about stuff like that; ghosts and the unexplained and stuff. Not too curious, because I'm also a tremendous chicken, but curious enough to check online every once and a while and see what kind of experiences people have had. Searching for ghost pictures can be fun, in spi...
More About: Photo , Scary , Balls , Ball

Zombie Midget Realtor
2006-10-23 23:48:00
I don't quite remember what caused it, but a few years ago I missed a dentist appointment and never rescheduled. I haven't been back since, and I'm pretty sure every tooth in my head is completely decayed. It's now to the point where so much time has passed that I'm afraid to go back, just out of shame. I don't want to face the inevitable lecture. I never had a single cavity when I was growing up, and now all my teeth feel weird and hollow. That can't be good. Last summer I had about 30-something returning visitors to this blog every day. It's not a lot, but it's nice to know that, of the hundreds of millions of blogs out there, a couple dozen complete strangers are bored enough to spend their lunch hours reading about my fascination with Asian coffee drinks. After moving into our new place back in August, and all the new clients piling up at work, I've been too drained to read or write anything (and I'm not the only one), and after weeks of no new posts, those thirty p...
More About: Realtor , Real , Alto , Zombie

New Post on Monday
2006-10-20 15:05:00
Really. And it won't even be lame. Or at least it want be exessively lame.
More About: Post , Monday , Onda

Your Mission
2006-09-26 23:09:05
At some point in the history of the world, somebody made an a cartoon about anthropomorphic firecrackers whose sole purpose in life was to explode. More importantly, at some point in my childhood I happened to see this cartoon. I think it was one of those "little ugly duckling that could" stories, where the larger firecrackers thumbed their noses at the little guy, who wanted nothing more to be
More About: Your , Miss , Sion , Mission , Missi

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