Random SqueegeeRandom SqueegeeEvery time you comment, an angel wins the lottery. Conversely, every time you don't comment, an orphan gets fed to wild dogs. I hope I'm not putting too much stock into the popularity of orphans. Articles
By Your Powers Combined...
2007-08-29 16:22:00 Before I had a blog, I used to whittle away the hours on a message board, conversing with all manner of nerds, geeks and shut-ins interesting people from all walks of life. The interaction with all these characters is what made it fun and kept me coming back, but it's a little harder to reproduce that kind of dynamic on a blog unless there's an active comments section. As it is, some people don't even read the comments. It's true! Because of this, and because fermicat gave me the idea, I'm just going to copy and paste my last comment and count it as a new post, but make just enough subtle changes that you'll have to read it all over again. Yes, I've been lagging lately. Ever since I moved at the end of last sumer, time hasn't been my friend. It's not that I haven't done or seen anything worth noting all this time, it's just I never seem to have enough time to put it into words, and now there's too much to write about and I don't know where to start back up again. Her... More About: Powers , Comb
Eight Things in a Duffle Bag
2007-08-29 15:52:00 Hey it's the middle of June. What happened to May? And April? I must have been really busy at work, because I sure wasn't posting my crazy theories on a Lost message board. That'd just be silly. Why would you even think that? Two pretty major events happened last week. If you've read Schprock's latest post, you know the first one, which I'll go into a bit more detail on later. The other thing that happened was I was tagged by Trinamick, and you don't mess with someone who can survive a fall trough a ceiling. It only makes them mad. So here are eight things about me, specifically, eight things that I should probably tell a doctor but never do. It's nothing major, but on the other hand, we all know what happens when you take the wait-and-see approach. 1. Sometimes when I chew or even if I'm just lying down, my jaw unhinges. Usually on the right side, but it's happened to both. It pops right back in after opening and closing my mouth a few times, but it always freaks me ou... More About: Things
Unsolicited Information: Things I Did Not Know
2007-08-29 15:40:00 July 9th. This is only my 19th post of 2007. I should probably pick up the slack a little bit, huh? Still, that averages out to almost 3 a month, which is better that some people. If you haven't read Schprock's blog, you're probably still wondering what happened with good ol' "Open Casket" Joe and his latest whopper. Well tough clams, I haven't gotten to that yet. Instead, here's an informative yet unsolicited glimpse into a series of trivial matters I only just recently discovered. Until about a week ago, I thought that show was called Sex in the City. Then I played a trivia game where the show was the answer to one of the questions and I got it wrong. It's Sex AND the City. Huh. You learn something new everyday. I've never seen the show, but I don't think I like the real title as much; it makes it sound like Sex and the City are the two main characters, like B.J. and the Bear. At least with Sex IN the City, you know the show's premise...a bunch of women having sex in th... More About: Information , Things , Soli
Man Vs. Microwave
2007-08-29 15:35:00 Yesterday I thought I'd make a cup of instant coffee, or to be more accurate, microwave up some water and powdered French Vanilla cappuccino mix. The instructions say to heat 3/4 cup (6 fl. oz) of cold water in a measuring cup on HIGH for 1 1/2 minutes or until hot. Then empty the contents of the envelope into a mug and slowly pour the water over it. Easy enough. But what if you don't have a measuring cup? Or even a second cup just to heat the water in? All I've got is a "Weymouth MRI" mug of indeterminate origin. I think it might have been Joe's; he's probably had a few CT scans in his day. I could have heated the water in the mug and then mixed the powder in afterwards, but then the powder gets all clumpy and doesn't mix right. So I emptied the packet into the mug and then filled it three-quarters to the top with water. Whenever I attempt to heat water in the microwave, it always takes several tries before its even mildly hot. That's why the instructions say 1 1/2 minute... More About: Microwave
Unfortunate Product Placement Theater
2007-08-29 15:32:00 It's kind of weird that some of Boston's homeless have achieved levels of fame reserved for heads of state, and a select few have even shot through the stratosphere to stand shoulder to shoulder with coked-up celebutantes and reality show contestants in terms of name recognition. But of all the homeless people in the area that I've heard of, Mr. Butch wasn't one of them. He may not have had a roof over his head, but he's got his own Wikipedia entry, so he's one up on me. Despite my ignorance, Mr. Butch was an icon in the Kenmore area for three decades. He even had a following in the local music scene and played a few clubs in the 80s. Sadly, Mr. Butch died this month after an accident on his Vespa scooter. Friday's Metro had an article about "a New Orleans style procession through the streets of Allston" and a tribute to Mr. Butch Sunday night. It also had, due to an unfortunate editorial decision, an ad for Herb Chambers Vespa scooters on the same page. Until then, I'd ... More About: Theater , Product , Thea
Nothing But Net
2007-08-29 15:31:00 This morning I was scanning the headlines on Yahoo News when my eyes stopped on one that left me shocked and puzzled. "Holy crap! Larry Bird died?! When did that happen? And why is Laura Bush going to his funeral?" In my defense, it was early in the morning. What kind of name is Lady Bird anyway? Just to review: Larry Bird Lady Bird
Morbid Etiquette
2007-08-29 15:26:00 A few months ago, I got a cryptic email from Trina with the subject line "mishap." It read "Can't blog. Had an accident. want exclusive?" followed by her phone number to get more details. I was a little worried. What could have happened that she couldn't write in an email? Maybe she was just a head in a jar, using what little power she had left to type with her tongue. Concern and curiosity (and much prodding by Michele) prevailed over my hatred of talking on the phone, and that Sunday I called and got the story. This is all old news now, of course, how she went up in the attic at work to fix a leak, lost her balance and fell through the ceiling, landed on the copier eight feet below, broke all kinds of body parts and was laid out for weeks. Since she wouldn't be able to post, my job was to let everyone know she wasn't dead. That was back in April. Since then, she's still somehow managed to write more often than me. Not that that's particularly difficult. But her last post w... More About: Etiquette , Morbid
Talking in Circles, eh?
2007-08-29 15:19:00 Good Morning, good morning everyone, in the news this morning, good morning. A follow up to our top story, Trina is not dead. Ms. Smith, however, still is. In other news, John Mooney, the coyote guy, has been moonlighting on the weekends as a security guard at a swanky apartment complex. I think it's an apartment complex. It's festooned with swank, whatever it is. He's also trying to learn French for an upcoming trip to Canada. But he's having trouble finding time to listen to the French CD, and he can't listen to it when he's stressed. I would have thought that he could listen to it at his security guard job, all he has to do is sit at a desk all night, right? Unless he's one of those security guards that patrols the grounds with a flashlight and a night stick, like the guy in Mannequin. And it was that thought that set off a chain of cyclical conversations here in the office. Before I go further, check out this picture. You may be thinking, "Why are Phylicia Rashad and... More About: Talking
My Girl
2007-08-29 15:18:00 I've never read any of the Harry Potter books, and I don't intend to. But that doesn't stop me from reading the spoilers. I've gone to websites with detailed character histories, plot outlines and summaries, timelines...and I'm not even sure why. When the last book came out, I got up at seven in the morning and read the Wikipedia entry about it, and found out everything I needed to know. They even have a neat little chart diagramming who dies, who kills them and how. Like Clue. I just need to know things. I always snuck downstairs and peaked at my presents before Christmas. Sometimes I go online and read the endings of movies I've never seen. The other day I read the summary for Heathers. I go to a website for Lost spoilers, which coughs up pieces of information throughout the week until Wednesday, when someone actually writes a summary and review of that night's episode less than eight hours before it airs. None of this "ruins" it for me, I have an unnatural craving for it... More About: Girl
A Short Story
2007-08-29 15:14:00 Every once in a while, Schprock will pop his head in the office to say Jason Evans is having another short story contest. The deadline for this contest is 11 PM tonight. The deal is, you write a story of no more than 250 words inspired by a photo he provides. I've done a couple of them, even tried to do something similar here. So I thought I'd give this new one a try. Here's the image. The story's called "Vision Quest." Vision Quest A guy could learn a lot about himself out in the woods. Legend says the Wampanoag sent their young out here on vision quests, alone to fend for themselves for weeks. Armed with only your wits and a sleeping bag, you find out what you?re really made of. I mean, everyone?s heard the stories?campfire tales of Shrieking Susie, the vengeful spirit of a murdered young woman said to haunt these parts. Her mournful cry is enough to stop all who hear it dead in their tracks; frozen and helpless as she drags them into the darkness to roam the woods with ... More About: Story , Short , Short Story
And Kathy Griffin as Olga
2007-08-27 15:51:00 They're filming a movie outside my window. So far all I see are catering trucks and orange traffic cones. More About: Kathy Griffin , Kathy , Griffin , Riff , Olga
Why I'm Afraid of Clowns
2007-08-24 19:22:00 Earlier this week, Amy was looking at her boyfriend's Myspace page, and someone had left him the cryptic message: "Happy birthday! You are worse than Michael Jackson." Well that's...open to interpretation. Worse than him at what? Scrabble™? Cutting back on the Jesus Juice? Mini golf? In the name of science, I decided to do a search for "You are worse than Michael Jackson." and curiously enough, came up with almost 250 results. It seems "You are worse than Michael Jackson" isn't just a passive-aggressive non-sequitur, it's a biting accusation straight from the mouth of curly-booted 80's wrestling icon and Cyndi Lauper video extra The Iron Sheik! Apparently, he's still pretty mad about Wrestlemania III, and has some choice words for Brian Blair. The video is from an interview The Sheik gave last year, barely beating out the twenty-year statute of limitations on holding a grudge over a staged fight in a fake sport. There. Another mystery solved. But the hypnotic lure and, ... More About: Clowns , Raid
A Short Story
2007-08-01 15:44:00 Every once in a while, Schprock will pop his head in the office to say Jason Evans is having another short story contest. The deadline for this contest is 11 PM tonight. The deal is, you write a story of no more than 250 words inspired by a photo he provides. I've done a couple of them, even tried to do something similar here. So I thought I'd give this new one a try. Here's the image. The story's called "Vision Quest." Vision Quest A guy could learn a lot about himself out in the woods. Legend says the Wampanoag sent their young out here on vision quests, alone to fend for themselves for weeks. Armed with only your wits and a sleeping bag, you find out what you?re really made of. I mean, everyone?s heard the stories?campfire tales of Shrieking Susie, the vengeful spirit of a murdered young woman said to haunt these parts. Her mournful cry is enough to stop all who hear it dead in their tracks; frozen and helpless as she drags them into the darkness to roam the woods with ... More About: Story , Short , Short Story , Tory
My Girl
2007-07-27 19:53:00 I've never read any of the Harry Potter books, and I don't intend to. But that doesn't stop me from reading the spoilers. I've gone to websites with detailed character histories, plot outlines and summaries, timelines...and I'm not even sure why. When the last book came out, I got up at seven in the morning and read the Wikipedia entry about it, and found out everything I needed to know. They even have a neat little chart diagramming who dies, who kills them and how. Like Clue. I just need to know things. I always snuck downstairs and peaked at my presents before Christmas. Sometimes I go online and read the endings of movies I've never seen. The other day I read the summary for Heathers. I go to a website for Lost spoilers, which coughs up pieces of information throughout the week until Wednesday, when someone actually writes a summary and review of that night's episode less than eight hours before it airs. None of this "ruins" it for me, I have an unnatural craving for it... More About: Girl
Talking in Circles, eh?
2007-07-26 22:30:00 Good Morning, good morning everyone, in the news this morning, good morning. A follow up to our top story, Trina is not dead. Ms. Smith, however, still is. In other news, John Mooney, the coyote guy, has been moonlighting on the weekends as a security guard at a swanky apartment complex. I think it's an apartment complex. It's festooned with swank, whatever it is. He's also trying to learn French for an upcoming trip to Canada. But he's having trouble finding time to listen to the French CD, and he can't listen to it when he's stressed. I would have thought that he could listen to it at his security guard job, all he has to do is sit at a desk all night, right? Unless he's one of those security guards that patrols the grounds with a flashlight and a night stick, like the guy in Mannequin. And it was that thought that set off a chain of cyclical conversations here in the office. Before I go further, check out this picture. You may be thinking, "Why are Phylicia Rashad and... More About: Talking
Morbid Etiquette
2007-07-24 18:06:00 A few months ago, I got a cryptic email from Trina with the subject line "mishap." It read "Can't blog. Had an accident. want exclusive?" followed by her phone number to get more details. I was a little worried. What could have happened that she couldn't write in an email? Maybe she was just a head in a jar, using what little power she had left to type with her tongue. Concern and curiosity (and much prodding by Michele) prevailed over my hatred of talking on the phone, and that Sunday I called and got the story. This is all old news now, of course, how she went up in the attic at work to fix a leak, lost her balance and fell through the ceiling, landed on the copier eight feet below, broke all kinds of body parts and was laid out for weeks. Since she wouldn't be able to post, my job was to let everyone know she wasn't dead. That was back in April. Since then, she's still somehow managed to write more often than me. Not that that's particularly difficult. But her last post w... More About: Etiquette , Morbid
Unfortunate Product Placement Theater
2007-07-23 19:00:00 It's kind of weird that some Boston's homeless have achieved levels of fame reserved for heads of state, and a select few have even shot through the stratosphere to stand shoulder to shoulder with coked-up celebutantes and reality show contestants in terms of name recognition. But of all the homeless people in the area that I've heard of, Mr. Butch wasn't one of them. He may not have had a roof over his head, but he's got his own Wikipedia entry, so he's one up on me. Despite my ignorance, Mr. Butch was an icon in the Kenmore area for three decades. He even had a following in the local music scene and played a few clubs in the 80s. Sadly, Mr. Butch died this month after an accident on his Vespa scooter. Friday's Metro had an article about "a New Orleans style procession through the streets of Allston" and a tribute to Mr. Butch Sunday night. It also had, due to an unfortunate editorial decision, an ad for Herb Chambers Vespa scooters on the same page. Until then, I'd nev... More About: Theater , Product , Fort , Lace , Prod
Nothing But Net
2007-07-14 19:34:00 This morning I was scanning the headlines on Yahoo News when my eyes stopped on one that left me shocked and puzzled. "Holy crap! Larry Bird died?! When did that happen? And why is Laura Bush going to his funeral?" In my defense, it was early in the morning. What kind of name is Lady Bird anyway? More About: Thing
Man Vs. Microwave
2007-07-13 22:03:00 Yesterday I thought I'd make a cup of instant coffee, or to be more accurate, microwave up some water and powdered French Vanilla cappuccino mix. The instructions say to heat 3/4 cup (6 fl. oz) of cold water in a measuring cup on HIGH for 1 1/2 minutes or until hot. Then empty the contents of the envelope into a mug and slowly pour the water over it. Easy enough. But what if you don't have a measuring cup? Or even a second cup just to heat the water in? All I've got is a "Weymouth MRI" mug of indeterminate origin. I think it might have been Joe's; he's probably had a few CT scans in his day. I could have heated the water in the mug and then mixed the powder in afterwards, but then the powder gets all clumpy and doesn't mix right. So I emptied the packet into the mug and then filled it three-quarters to the top with water. Whenever I attempt to heat water in the microwave, it always takes several tries before its even mildly hot. That's why the instructions say 1 1/2 minute... More About: Wave , Microwave
Unsolicited Information: Things I Did Not Know
2007-07-09 19:47:00 July 9th. This is only my 19th post of 2007. I should probably pick up the slack a little bit, huh? Still, that averages out to almost 3 a month, which is better that some people. If you haven't read Schprock's blog, you're probably still wondering what happened with good ol' "Open Casket" Joe and his latest whopper. Well tough clams, I haven't gotten to that yet. Instead, here's an informative yet unsolicited glimpse into a series of trivial matters I only just recently discovered. Until about a week ago, I thought that show was called Sex in the City. Then I played a trivia game where the show was the answer to one of the questions and I got it wrong. It's Sex AND the City. Huh. You learn something new everyday. I've never seen the show, but I don't think I like the real title as much; it makes it sound like Sex and the City are the two main characters, like B.J. and the Bear. At least with Sex IN the City, you know the show's premise...a bunch of women having sex in th... More About: Information , Things , Format , Thing , Soli
Eight Things in a Duffle Bag
2007-06-13 00:47:00 Hey it's the middle of June. What happened to May? And April? I must have been really busy at work, because I sure wasn't posting my crazy theories on a Lost message board. That'd just be silly. Why would you even think that? Two pretty major events happened last week. If you've read Schprock's latest post, you know the first one, which I'll go into a bit more detail on later. The other thing that happened was I was tagged by Trinamick, and you don't mess with someone who can survive a fall trough a ceiling. It only makes them mad. So here are eight things about me, specifically, eight things that I should probably tell a doctor but never do. It's nothing major, but on the other hand, we all know what happens when you take the wait-and-see approach. 1. Sometimes when I chew or even if I'm just lying down, my jaw unhinges. Usually on the right side, but it's happened to both. It pops right back in after opening and closing my mouth a few times, but it always freaks me ou... More About: Things , Duff , Thing , Eight
By Your Powers Combined...
2007-04-27 17:50:00 Before I had a blog, I used to whittle away the hours on a message board, conversing with all manner of nerds, geeks and shut-ins interesting people from all walks of life. The interaction with all these characters is what made it fun and kept me coming back, but it's a little harder to reproduce that kind of dynamic on a blog unless there's an active comments section. As it is, some people don't even read the comments. It's true! Because of this, and because fermicat gave me the idea, I'm just going to copy and paste my last comment and count it as a new post, but make just enough subtle changes that you'll have to read it all over again. Yes, I've been lagging lately. Ever since I moved at the end of last sumer, time hasn't been my friend. It's not that I haven't done or seen anything worth noting all this time, it's just I never seem to have enough time to put it into words, and now there's too much to write about and I don't know where to start back up again. Her... More About: Powers , Comb
Local Man Hit By Bus
2007-04-24 16:42:00 Crap. I spent the last hour, and most likely the next one, trying to print an A6 envelope on the color printer. The multi-purpose tray has markings to show where an A6 envelope should go, but that size is inexplicably absent from the preset options for envelopes. It has A7, but not A6. Why did they bother marking it on the tray then?! There is a "custom" option, so I entered the A6 size in there, but it was positioned wrong and cut off most of the type. Oh, and it created big black imprints of the folds on the other side of the envelope all over the front. I haven't been lucky enough to need to print on a pre-made non-number 10 envelope on this printer until now, but others in the office who've had to deal with it in the past said the best way to do it is to resize the document to 8.5 x 11, set the printer to the thick card stock setting, and tape the envelope to a regular piece of paper. And to avoid the imprint from the folds, I need to put thick paper in the envelope. We only... More About: Local , Loca
Local Man Hit By Bus
2007-04-24 16:42:00 Crap. I spent the last hour, and most likely the next one, trying to print an A6 envelope on the color printer. The multi-purpose tray has markings to show where an A6 envelope should go, but that size is inexplicably absent from the preset options for envelopes. It has A7, but not A6. Why did they bother marking it on the tray then?! There is a "custom" option, so I entered the A6 size in there, but it was positioned wrong and cut off most of the type. Oh, and it created big black imprints of the folds on the other side of the envelope all over the front. I haven't been lucky enough to need to print on a pre-made non-number 10 envelope on this printer until now, but others in the office who've had to deal with it in the past said the best way to do it is to resize the document to 8.5 x 11, set the printer to the thick card stock setting, and tape the envelope to a regular piece of paper. And to avoid the imprint from the folds, I need to put thick paper in the envelope. We only... More About: Local , Loca
For Real This Time
2007-04-23 21:42:00 Ok. There's going to be a new post tomorrow morning, or may God strike me down with a Fung Wah bus. And by morning I mean before noon. Ish. Eastern Standard Time . More About: This , Real
For Real This Time
2007-04-23 21:42:00 Ok. There's going to be a new post tomorrow morning, or may God strike me down with a Fung Wah bus. And by morning I mean before noon. Ish. Eastern Standard Time . More About: Real
Don't Read This
2007-03-27 20:18:00 18 days ago, I mentioned something about doing a Joe post. Then work got busy again so any hopes of hearing new Joe-isms were crashed. And now for the past few days I've had a cold. Nothing too bad, just a little coughing, lots of sneezing (at least 1 in 5 with gross, mucusy projectiles), and a constant nose drip. I mean literally CONSTANT. It refuses to stop running. How much more can possibly be in there? I'm starting to fear that eventually, my nose and, maybe even my entire head, will just dry up, shrivel and fall off. I tore through a box of Kleenex yesterday, but all I have to show for it is a trash barrel filled with hardened, crumpled up tissues and the assurance that in a couple of days, I'm going to have those gross sores all under my nose. But I've just made a medical breakthrough. If I stick Kleenix in my nostrils and hold it in place with a piece of tape that runs across the bridge of my nose to my cheeks, I can stop the dripping, and hopefully avoid the horrible ... More About: Read , This
Don't Read This
2007-03-27 20:18:00 18 days ago, I mentioned something about doing a Joe post. Then work got busy again so any hopes of hearing new Joe-isms were crashed. And now for the past few days I've had a cold. Nothing too bad, just a little coughing, lots of sneezing (at least 1 in 5 with gross, mucusy projectiles), and a constant nose drip. I mean literally CONSTANT. It refuses to stop running. How much more can possibly be in there? I'm starting to fear that eventually, my nose and, maybe even my entire head, will just dry up, shrivel and fall off. I tore through a box of Kleenex yesterday, but all I have to show for it is a trash barrel filled with hardened, crumpled up tissues and the assurance that in a couple of days, I'm going to have those gross sores all under my nose. But I've just made a medical breakthrough. If I stick Kleenix in my nostrils and hold it in place with a piece of tape that runs across the bridge of my nose to my cheeks, I can stop the dripping, and hopefully avoid the horrible ... More About: Read
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
2007-03-09 20:00:00 For some reason, TV executives seem to think that shows with ongoing storylines are bad. People would rather casually watch a string of standalone episodes rather than seeing a serialized plot drawn out over several episodes, seasons, or God forbid, the entire run of the show. Apparently, people who don't watch any given show regularly may sit down to watch one day, but rather than being drawn into the story, they're confused by the addition of a character than wasn't on when they last caught the show months earlier. Worried that they'll lose these casual viewers, they flood the schedule with filler episodes, significantly limiting the number of episodes devoted to the show's ongoing story arch and effectively pissing off all the people who actually tune in every week. Enough with the pointless filler episodes already! Screw the casual viewers, let them watch Dancing with the Stars or find out if they're smarter than a fifth-grader. My money's on "no." The Dead Zone is a goo... More About: Monk , Monkey , Purple , Wash , Dish
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
More articles from this author:2007-03-09 19:00:00 For some reason, TV executives seem to think that shows with ongoing storylines are bad. People would rather casually watch a string of standalone episodes rather than seeing a serialized plot drawn out over several episodes, seasons, or God forbid, the entire run of the show. Apparently, people who don't watch any given show regularly may sit down to watch one day, but rather than being drawn into the story, they're confused by the addition of a character than wasn't on when they last caught the show months earlier. Worried that they'll lose these casual viewers, they flood the schedule with filler episodes, significantly limiting the number of episodes devoted to the show's ongoing story arch and effectively pissing off all the people who actually tune in every week. Enough with the pointless filler episodes already! Screw the casual viewers, let them watch Dancing with the Stars or find out if they're smarter than a fifth-grader. My money's on "no." The Dead Zone is a goo... More About: Monkey , Purple 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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