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Random Squeegee

Random Squeegee
Every time you comment, an angel wins the lottery. Conversely, every time you don't comment, an orphan gets fed to wild dogs. I hope I'm not putting too much stock into the popularity of orphans.
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They Said it Couldn't Be Done
2011-04-30 01:21:00
You wouldn't know him, but some completely real non-made up guy bet me eight dollars that I couldn't not post for a whole year. Well, guess who's eight dollars richer this morning?
This is All Steve Jobs' Fault
2010-04-29 19:29:00
I'm working on a project for my dad. He has Thursdays off, so I brought my laptop next door to go over it with him. There's a list of names he wants in two columns, but the laptop keyboard doesn't have an "ENTER" key, which differs from the "RETURN" key in that it starts a new page or column rather than just a new paragraph. So I ran back to home get my external keyboard and realized that I have once again locked myself out of my house. I specifically made sure the door was unlocked before I left by turning the knob both ways, and figured since it's able to turn, it must be unlocked. As you may have guessed, I apparently have no idea how doors and/or locks work. Ah, doors. My mortal enemy. In high school, I found a locker with a broken door to use because I could never get my lock open. Jose loves to tell the story of how he dropped me off one day, and claims he watched me try to pull the front door of my house, and after several attempts, pushed it open. That's not what h...
More About: Steve , Steve Jobs , Jobs
The Day That Wasn't
2010-04-26 21:43:00
Yesterday morning I helped a guy named Randy get to class. He goes to a special needs school up the street, so I walked him there. When I got home, it was dark. Michele asked where I'd been all day. I told her I was helping Randy get to school; I couldn't have been gone longer than half an hour. But it was night. How could that be? It didn't make any sense. Did I go somewhere else and completely forget about it? Had the passage of time gone wonky? I thought about the walk to the school. On the way, I ran into the woman who used to live next door to me. I used to go to school with her daughter. These days she lives in Rockland and I live underneath where she used to live (her mother lived here when I was growing up.) Anyway, she was also walking someone to the school. He was her nephew. He was probably in his mid-twenties, had long hair and was in a wheelchair. His wheelchair had fallen over and we helped him get back into it. We might have talked for a while, but it certainly di...
Art Attack
2010-04-23 04:28:00
When I was younger, I had this book, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. The stories weren't remotely scary, but the pictures, sweet Jesus, the pictures haunt my dreams to this day. If you've ever seen this book, the bride chick with the hollowed-out eye sockets probably came screaming back into your memory just now, so it's perfectly fine if you may have wet your pants a little. If you've never seen it, basically the illustrations made otherwise idiotic stories kind of terrifying. If I remember correctly, one of the first stories was about a kid who found a severed toe sticking out of the ground, and then some giant tracks him down and says "You have my toe, now I'm going to eat you!" or something equally asinine. But then there's this picture of a gross little homunculus thing that looks like Quato from Total Recall in overalls and suddenly you sleep with the lights on for a month. Screw the giant, I was afraid the creepy farmer kid was going to dig up my toe. That's one of ...
Lady and the Stamp
2010-04-12 18:22:00
Here's a quick story from my mom: Mom: Do you sell stamps? Cashier: You mean like...food stamps? Mom: No...postage stamps. Cashier: I don't know what those are. Bagger: (laughing)You know...to mail a letter? Cashier: Oh. I've never done that. I know people don't mail a whole lot of letters anymore, but she's never heard of postage stamps? Really? Maybe she should have asked ChaCha. Or maybe she did.
More About: Lady , Stamp
Cha Cha Cha Changes
2010-04-08 01:54:00
Remember when I was looking for the name of that damn rocket cartoon? Or who's kids Huey, Dewey and Louie are? Whenever I have a question, I can always Google it and find the answer. That's why Google gets to be a verb now. But some people aren't content with the already convenient method of looking something up online. They want people to look it up for them. That's why there are sites like ChaCha, where you can learn that Jorge Garcia played the affable slacker "Hurley" in the move Armageddon. And then, there's this: "Bailiff, whack his pee-pee!" is NOT from Laugh-In! It's Cheech and Chong, specifically "Trippin' in Court," from their self-titled 1971 debut album (Thanks, Google! I still love you.) Rowan and Martins...where are these people getting this blatantly false information? OH, COME ON!!!
From Russia With Love
2010-04-07 14:53:00
And now, a Cold War-era Russia n guy that looks like an Animatronic Steve Buscemi hypnotically yodel-singing. This was most likely meant to be used as some kind of doomsday device.
More About: Love
Father of the Year
2010-04-05 18:51:00
You might be wondering what Joe's been up to these days. Well fear not, I still get the occasional e-mail from John T, keeping me updated on the latest Joenaningans. I got this one back in December, when I was in a blog coma: Joe just asked where Clarendon Street is. If some of you folks reading at home have never been to our fair city, I wouldn't expect you to know where Clarendon St. is, but to give you an idea, here's a map: USELESS TRIVIA: Starting at the Public Garden, the north-south cross streets are named alphabetically from A-H (Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth, Exeter, Fairfield, Gloucester, and Hereford.) This same set of street names is used on the east-west running streets in Gladstone, Oregon. But wait. There's more. This one is from January: Joe had to take a vacation day today with little notice. He cited personal reasons to the boss (and she asked no questions), but when I asked him why, it was because his daughter had been caught driving an u...
More About: Father
What the Hell Happened: Game Over, Man. Game Over
2010-04-02 19:11:00
As you may know, today is Nick's Anniversary Spleen Day, so I guess now is as good a time as any to talk about what happened last year. Michele and I realized that what we were paying in rent was the same as some people payed on their mortgage, if not more. That, combined with the eight thousand dollar tax credit for new home buyers, sent us looking at houses rather than another apartment. Getting laid off almost killed that little quest as soon as it started, but with Michele's salary and some government programs, we thought we'd at least be able to buy a small place. We found one, on a busy street across from my eye doctor, that was in our price range. It only had one bathroom, and it was in the kitchen, yes, in the kitchen. And the upstairs was incredibly small, but the living and dining rooms were huge, with lots of built-in shelves, and there was a cool three-season room in the back that looked out on the huge back yard. If we could negotiate a lower price, we could use so...
More About: Game , Hell
The Ironing is Delicious
2010-04-01 23:30:00
This may look like Lamb Chop, but it's actually a Webkinz llama. Webkinz are stuffed toys that come with a unique code that allows you to interact with a virtual version of the toy online, because kids today have no imagination. The plush animals are manufactured in China. Do you know what this means? That's right, China is mass-producing dolly llamas.
More About: Ironing
Brain Nuggets
2010-03-31 22:06:00
My brother and I used to have a paper route. There was this old woman that always complained if the paper was ten minutes late. She would leave us a nickel for a tip. She was just a mean old lady. She's dead now. Isn't it cool how Tylenol knows exactly where to go when you're in pain? If you have a headache, it soothes your head, if you have back problems, it works on your back. I wish all medications did that. Imagine if you took one of those Plan B pills, but you weren't pregnant, so instead it kills all the egg sacks a spider laid in your ear. That would be really useful. In The Matrix, when Neo downloaded kung-fu into his brain, and he says "I know kung-fu," what if it had instead been "I know Shaq-Fu"? would we have been spared those two terrible sequels? Like his Shaq-fu just finishes off all the bad guys at once? Last summer I toasted marshmallows over a fire pit. I love to burn them beyond recognition. My marshmallow looked like Mel Gibson in The Man Without a Face. I...
More About: Brain
Or Else What, Mr. Flapjack Sam?
2010-03-31 06:01:00
A few years ago, I lent Mr. Schprock my copy of LOST Season 1. He returned it when he was finished, and I let him borrow Season 2. He was ready for Season 3, but I didn't own it yet. I told him he could borrow it as soon as I get it, but then, well..things took a turn. With only a few episodes left until the series finale, I'm still banking on some of my crazy theories being true. But it wouldn't be fair to spoil my former co-worker by mentioning them here; it's bad enough he still has to work with Joe. So I can't say anything about Frank, or Miles, or Juliet or even Ben. He wouldn't know who they are. Instead, I will regale you with this epic, spoiler-free review by a guy named funk yant. LOST SUCKS by funkyant IF U LIKE LOST ITS BECUASE YOUR GAY. THIS SHOW IS STUPID HERE'S A TYPICAL LOST EPISODE: JACK: GIVE ME THE GUN SAWYER SAWYER: NO, HOWDY-DOODY-TOODY jACK: YOUR GONNA DO WHAT I SAID OR ELSE SAWYER: OR ELSE WHAT, MR. FLAPJACK SAM? JACK: I DON'T KNOW. YOUR JUST GONNA D...
More About: Lost
Gasification, Baby!
2010-03-29 18:43:00
It seems eda's been chatting up a whole bunch of people. Spreading her provocative artistry here, here, even here, on this Spanish-language rock & roll blog. But eda's a ghost; wiped from existence again and again. In all instances, only references to her sexy trouser poetry remain. I guess the world isn't ready to jump wireless the egg. With eda nowhere to be found, I feared that I would never learn the meaning of "gasification baby." Thankfully, I found tootoomart.com, which appears to be China's answer to Amazon.com. Tootoomart doesn't dabble in anything as ribald as sexy T-shaped trousers, but they do sell inflatable Minnie Mouse chairs for children to fart on. They even have big name sponsors. Check out this banner ad for the movie 2012: I have to admit, I thought that movie looked pretty stupid, but that tagline really pulled me in. I might have to rent it afterall.
More About: Baby , Engrish
Dig Those T-Shaped Trousers, Jack
2010-03-27 05:26:00
We are not alone. It may seem that way, with the absence of Trina and NYPinTA (I think she's still mad that I almost broke her face) but make no mistake, there's a new disciple of the House of Squeeg. I've recently noticed a couple of older posts had comments by someone I didn't recognize, eda, written in what appears to be Chinese characters. What kind of praise could eda be heaping on me? Or was it scathing MSG-laden criticism? I had to find out, so I cut and paste them into babelfish, which I know is not the most accurate translator, but it's a start. Here's what our new friend eda had to say: "The appeal, G spot, the sexy T-shaped trousers, the appeal, the roll play clothing, the suspenders sock, the T-shaped trousers, the appeal thing, jumps wireless the egg, the men and women, Massages the stick, massages the stick electrically operated, the airplane cup, the video, consoles oneself the wrap, consoles oneself the wrap, the appeal thing, the appeal underwear, The appea...
More About: Trousers , Jack
The Secret of HeteroNYMH
2010-03-26 02:08:00
I was just sitting here and the word "predicated" popped into my head. Then I started thinking and realized that I don't remember ever actually saying or writing that word in my entire life. I've obviously heard it before, and probably even thought it a few times, but it's never escaped my head until just now. That's a long time for a word to be trapped in someone's brain. I wonder if his escape was like the Shawshank Redemption. Stranger still is that while I've never used the word predicate--that's the verb predi-KATE, as in "To carry the connotation of; imply" or "To base or establish"--in school I used predicate--as in predi-KIT, "one of the two main constituents of a sentence or clause, modifying the subject and including the verb, objects, or phrases governed by the verb"--in English class several times. See, they're heteronyms; words that are spelled the same but have different pronunciations and meanings. Wikipedia decided to give and example using animal porn: Do...
More About: The Secret , Secret
That Whole Kerfluffle
2010-03-25 18:49:00
Okay, people. I wasn't here when Kanye acted like a giant douche and said Beyonce's video was one of the best of all time. OF ALL TIME!!! Then she actually won video of the year, which made him look like an even bigger, impatient douche. But I'm not here to talk about that giant impatient douche. In the interest of remaining somewhat relevant, I've seen the Single Ladies video and I don't get why a black and white video of three chicks dancing would even be in the running for video of the year, let alone "all time." Unless you're using it for, ahem, spank material, it's boring as hell. Where's the story? The character development? It looked like a cosmetics commercial. In fact, wasn't it? There were no Vincent Price raps, no claymation, no dancing skinned chickens...no Fonzie, not even a mop-wielding janitor. What the hell? It's not even the first video to be filmed in black and white with no background. Even the choreography, which is apparently what's supposed to be ...
The Mystery of the Shamed Businessman
2010-03-24 17:46:00
You know those Google Doodles, where they alter the Google logo to commemorate some thing or another? Once in a while I know immediately what they are, but most of the time I have to click on it to figure out what it's suppose to represent. Last summer I saw one that completely baffled me. It looked like a guy with a box on his head, wearing a dress shirt and tie, bending over with his hands on his knees, the way kids stand when they're in left field waiting for the ball to come their way. Here's an altered version of the picture, to show you how it looked to me: I thought maybe it was some disgraced CEO or something; maybe it was the anniversary of the Enron scandal. Even when I clicked on the image to find out what it actually was, I still didn't see what I was supposed to see at first. I see it now though, to the point where I don't know how I could mistake it as anything else, but sometimes I still see the guy with box on his head. Maybe not it box; it might be his brie...
More About: Mystery
Moral Conflict
2010-03-23 21:37:00
So, everybody...oh who am I kidding? So, LL, here's your question for the the day. What if you could go back in time and prevent World War II from ever happening, but here's the catch: the only way to do it is to have sex with Hitler. You can't trick him and say that you'll have sex with him and then kill him or something, you've got to go through with it. But if you do, he won't invade any other countries or kill Jews or anything. Millions of lives will be saved. Instead of genocide and world domination, Hitler will focus on music. He'll form a folk group called Der Flying Deutschmen. A protegê of Woody Guthrie, Hitler will write songs about peace, magic unicorns and a night of passion with a mysterious stranger whose name he refuses to reveal. In 1959, he'll be mourned by the entire world when his plane crashes, killing him, Ritchie Valens and Buddy Holly. In this WWII-free universe, the Big Bopper took a different flight and later opened a chain of successful ...
More About: Conflict
On This Day in Squeegee History
2010-03-22 17:48:00
DATE: MARCH 22, 1998 (more or less...) LOCATION: PIZZA HUT. QUINCY, MA I was sitting in a booth with Nick and Jose. Jose noticed a clown sitting a few booths behind me. I don't mean the "oh boy that guy's such a clown! kind of clown, I mean the rainbow wigged, floppy shoed, balloon-animal-making kind of clown. Jose told me to look over my shoulder because he continues to think that I'm afraid of clowns, when in reality, I merely would just prefer to avoid them whenever possible. Anyway, forget about the clown. When the waitress brought us our pizza, she asked me "How's your headache?" And I thought "Well that was cryptic. I don't even have a heada----ahhhhh!" To this day I don't understand what happened. I felt fine until she said anything, then all of a sudden I got a sharp pain in my temple. She was some kind of...voodoo waitress. This has been On this day in Squeegee History . Brought to you by Pringles. Pringles. Taste the hyperbolic paraboloid.™
More About: Clowns
Missed Opportunities
2010-03-05 17:22:00
Yesterday would have been a good day for a rousing speech. Because it was March 4th, and you could have been like "March fourth...TO VICTORY!" or something. March fourth...TO ZERO DOWN PAYMENT ON A 2010 KIA SORENTO! And it would resonate with people, because it was the date, and it means to move forward. Now we've got to wait a whole year for the opportunity to come around again. It's a shame, really. Kind of like how I never got around to writing the second part of my friend's wedding story, and now it doesn't matter, because they're friggin' divorced. Oh, did I just casually throw that out there? Yes I did.
More About: Opportunities
A Brief Conversation
2010-03-02 20:03:00
For Lent, Michele is eating nothing but some kind of seaweed soup thing, so I went to my mom's house for dinner on Friday. MOM: I think I'm going to go to the gym Saturday morning. ME: What gym do you go to? MOM: Planet Fitness. ME: Oh, you know who lives right next door? Mom: No, who? ME: Jim Nabors. See, it's funny, because...well, I'll let my brother explain. GLENN: It works on two levels. BRIANNA: I don't get it. MOM: They are gym neighbors, like Jim Nabors? You know "Well Gaw-aw-aw-lly!" GLENN: Wait, what? MOM: You don't know who Jim Nabors is? Gomer Pyle? GLENN: Oh. ME: Hold on, then why were you laughing? GLENN: I thought you just made up a name for the joke.
The First Rule of Jury Duty is You Do Not Talk About Jury Duty
2010-02-04 01:26:00
I'm a jury duty magnet. I've had to report in just about every three years since I turned 18, which is the minimum amount of time they have before they can legally send me another notice. The first few times I didn't have to go to the courthouse; I called the number on the juror card the day before I was to appear and an automated message told me that my group was on standby. A few years later, I had to go to the Quincy courthouse, which I walked by several times before I realized where to go. I guess I was expecting a big marble building with massive pillars and that lady with the scales and blindfold out front. It was just a plain brick building that looked like an elementary school. Anyway, when I did find it, I proceeded to sit in a room all morning waiting for something to happen. A bailiff came in a few times and told us that our presence in the jury pool was causing cases to plea rather than go to trial, so we were serving an important purpose. Which was fine with me, bec...
More About: Talk
Breaking the Silence
2009-12-10 17:17:00
Alright, I guess this has gone on long enough. Time to fess up. I guess I'm just going to have to accept that after all this time, I was wrong. For years I've wondered what "take out TCP" means in the song Respect. I thought maybe TCP was some kind of drug. I sure as hell didn't know what "rese" was. But it turns out the correct lyric is "Take care, TCB." TCB stands for "take[ing] care of business" That somehow makes even less sense than taking out TCP. First, why say take care, followed by TCB, when the "TC" part means "take care"? That's redundant. And why throw in an acronym when you just finished spelling a word? It just seems like that would invite confusion. What's even more confusing is according to Wikipedia, the lines: R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me R-E-S-P-E-C-T Take care ... TCB are not even present in Otis Reading's original version of the song. He did add it later, and apparently there's some debate over who actually used the line first,...
What the Hell Happened: Joe's Revenge
2009-09-08 12:35:00
Continued from yesterday So who, against all odds, managed to avoid the chopping block? Joe! Freaking Joe! Suddenly, I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy. Why did I get laid off and this guy's still there? When we switched from Quark to InDesign a few years back, I was admittedly the last one to embrace it. But once I learned it, I found I really liked it and just kept learning new tricks and shortcuts. Whenever we had a little downtime, I'd explore some of the features and find something new. And if there was something I couldn't figure out, I'd keep trying different things, or look up the problem online until I found a solution. That's what I do. It's like when I couldn't remember the name of that cartoon with the talking fireworks. I FOUND IT! It took forever, but by God, I found it. On the other hand, you have Joe. Who you may recall from his early work in Highlights for Children as Goofus. Goofus only learned enough to barely get by. Why bother retaining knowledge when ...
More About: Hell , Revenge
What the Hell Happened: Tell me about the rabbits, George
2009-09-07 07:40:00
So...how was your summer? Mine was crap. I tried to write this several times over the past few months, before deciding that the best way to express my thoughts would be in my first ever video blog. But once I started recording, I drew a blank, so I had to write it all down anyway. And then there's the issue of where to look. I tried looking directly at the camera, but the constant stare came out looking insane and a little creepy. So I tried it again, looking slightly off camera, but without any eye contact, it looked like I was trying to hide something. So I ultimately decided to just go back to writing the whole damn massive thing out in sections like I was going to do in the first place, except now I have this needless explanatory paragraph to start out with. Anyway, it all started on Free Donut Day. If you ordered a coffee at Dunkin Donuts, they'd give a donut for free. Who the hell doesn't like free donuts? So I went there first thing in the morning, got my coffee and my fr...
More About: George , Hell , Rabbits
Quick Update
2009-06-25 00:49:00
Hey, guess what? I don't have to listen to Joe anymore! Because I got laid off! More details when I get my new laptop I'm supposed to be getting with my retirement money, whenever it finally gets here. The money, not the computer. Well, both, I guess. But one thing at a time here.
More About: Update , Quick
R.I.P.: Warren G. Skye
2009-04-09 16:07:00
Most of you have never heard of Warren G. Skye . To be honest, I never really knew exactly who he was, either. I guess I thought he was one of those quasi-celebrities whose fifteen minutes of fame were up before I was even born, like etiquette guru Annie Cavanagh. He could have also been a politician, possibly British; I just didn't know. I feel bad now for not giving poor Warren much thought. Did he have a family? What's he been up to lately? It never crossed my mind. Really, the only time I ever thought about him at all was every once in a while when I heard his name on the radio. But no more. Today, in a Shamaylanian twist, I found out there is no Warren G. Skye. Or, if there was, the Cars never mentioned him in Bye Bye Love, off their eponymous 1978 debut album. I'm still a bit too shaken up to accept that he's gone. All this time, I thought it was: It's Warren G. Skye... Oh wait, is it some other guy? But it turns out the actual line is: It?s an orangy sky Always it?s ...
Rise From Your Grave And Sell My Tie-ins!
2009-03-31 23:15:00
I saw a McDonald's commercial over the weekend involving a Monsters Vs. Aliens tie-in featuring Grimace! He didn't have a speaking part, but by God, he's alive! In honor of this momentous occasion--and because I don't want to write about how we got to the IMAX at Jordan's Furniture at noon to get tickets for the 3 o'clock show, only to discover that every show was sold out until seven so spent all day in Framingham--here's another one of these things...
More About: Grave , Sell , Rise
FWS: Episode 4
2009-03-18 21:24:00
With Steve's offer of a new co-host opening apparently still standing, struggling comedian Chip Newton sees his chance for a new career. But what will become of Fred?
More About: Episode , Episode 4
FWS: Episode 4
2009-03-18 21:18:00
With Steve's offer of a new co-host opening apparently still standing, struggling comedian Chip Newton sees his chance for a new career. But what will become of Fred?
More About: Episode , Episode 4
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