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What the Hell Happened: Joe's Revenge
2009-09-08 12:35:00
Continued from yesterday So who, against all odds, managed to avoid the chopping block? Joe! Freaking Joe! Suddenly, I didn't feel all warm and fuzzy. Why did I get laid off and this guy's still there? When we switched from Quark to InDesign a few years back, I was admittedly the last one to embrace it. But once I learned it, I found I really liked it and just kept learning new tricks and shortcuts. Whenever we had a little downtime, I'd explore some of the features and find something new. And if there was something I couldn't figure out, I'd keep trying different things, or look up the problem online until I found a solution. That's what I do. It's like when I couldn't remember the name of that cartoon with the talking fireworks. I FOUND IT! It took forever, but by God, I found it. On the other hand, you have Joe. Who you may recall from his early work in Highlights for Children as Goofus. Goofus only learned enough to barely get by. Why bother retaining knowledge when ...
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What the Hell Happened: Tell me about the rabbits, George
2009-09-07 07:40:00
So...how was your summer? Mine was crap. I tried to write this several times over the past few months, before deciding that the best way to express my thoughts would be in my first ever video blog. But once I started recording, I drew a blank, so I had to write it all down anyway. And then there's the issue of where to look. I tried looking directly at the camera, but the constant stare came out looking insane and a little creepy. So I tried it again, looking slightly off camera, but without any eye contact, it looked like I was trying to hide something. So I ultimately decided to just go back to writing the whole damn massive thing out in sections like I was going to do in the first place, except now I have this needless explanatory paragraph to start out with. Anyway, it all started on Free Donut Day. If you ordered a coffee at Dunkin Donuts, they'd give a donut for free. Who the hell doesn't like free donuts? So I went there first thing in the morning, got my coffee and my fr...
More About: George , Hell , Rabbits

Quick Update
2009-06-25 00:49:00
Hey, guess what? I don't have to listen to Joe anymore! Because I got laid off! More details when I get my new laptop I'm supposed to be getting with my retirement money, whenever it finally gets here. The money, not the computer. Well, both, I guess. But one thing at a time here.
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R.I.P.: Warren G. Skye
2009-04-09 16:07:00
Most of you have never heard of Warren G. Skye . To be honest, I never really knew exactly who he was, either. I guess I thought he was one of those quasi-celebrities whose fifteen minutes of fame were up before I was even born, like etiquette guru Annie Cavanagh. He could have also been a politician, possibly British; I just didn't know. I feel bad now for not giving poor Warren much thought. Did he have a family? What's he been up to lately? It never crossed my mind. Really, the only time I ever thought about him at all was every once in a while when I heard his name on the radio. But no more. Today, in a Shamaylanian twist, I found out there is no Warren G. Skye. Or, if there was, the Cars never mentioned him in Bye Bye Love, off their eponymous 1978 debut album. I'm still a bit too shaken up to accept that he's gone. All this time, I thought it was: It's Warren G. Skye... Oh wait, is it some other guy? But it turns out the actual line is: It?s an orangy sky Always it?s ...

Rise From Your Grave And Sell My Tie-ins!
2009-03-31 23:15:00
I saw a McDonald's commercial over the weekend involving a Monsters Vs. Aliens tie-in featuring Grimace! He didn't have a speaking part, but by God, he's alive! In honor of this momentous occasion--and because I don't want to write about how we got to the IMAX at Jordan's Furniture at noon to get tickets for the 3 o'clock show, only to discover that every show was sold out until seven so spent all day in Framingham--here's another one of these things...
More About: Grave , Sell , Rise

FWS: Episode 4
2009-03-18 21:24:00
With Steve's offer of a new co-host opening apparently still standing, struggling comedian Chip Newton sees his chance for a new career. But what will become of Fred?
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FWS: Episode 4
2009-03-18 21:18:00
With Steve's offer of a new co-host opening apparently still standing, struggling comedian Chip Newton sees his chance for a new career. But what will become of Fred?
More About: Episode , Episode 4

Where's the Rocket?
2009-03-17 20:07:00
Over the years, the internet has helped me find the names of movies, magicians who cut of their legs with a chainsaw to the tune of The Peter Gunn Theme, even the identity of Donald Duck's mother. And yet, one challenge, finding a cartoon about anthropomorphic fireworks has remained unmet. That is, until now. Yes, I was looking back over the weekend and realized after over three years, I still had not found any evidence of this thing ever existing. So I tried again, I even made the rounds of movie forums hoping someone would have known what I was referring to. Only this time, I tried to remember a bit more. "Fireworks" and "firecrackers" weren't getting me anywhere. What else could you call them? Then I tried "rocket." And the greatest thing happened. I found this. An animated short called The Remarkable Rocket (1975), narrated by David Niven. Based on a short story by Oscar Wilde. I had a few details mixed up. It turns out it's not about the little runt that everyone else mak...

Where's the Rocket?
2009-03-17 20:00:00
Over the years, the internet has helped me find the names of movies, magicians who cut off their legs with a chainsaw to the tune of The Peter Gunn Theme, even the identity of Donald Duck's mother. And yet, one challenge, finding a cartoon about anthropomorphic fireworks has remained unmet. That is, until now. Yes, I was looking back over the weekend and realized after over three years, I still had not found any evidence of this thing ever existing. So I tried again, I even made the rounds of movie forums hoping someone would have known what I was referring to. Only this time, I tried to remember a bit more. "Fireworks" and "firecrackers" weren't getting me anywhere. What else could you call them? Then I tried "rocket." And the greatest thing happened. I found this. An animated short called The Remarkable Rocket (1975), narrated by David Niven. Based on a short story by Oscar Wilde. I had a few details mixed up. It turns out it's not about the little runt that everyone else ma...

The Internet...Is There Anything it Doesn't Know?
2009-03-16 21:44:00
Thanks to the internet, I now know the name of a movie that used to be on HBO all the time about a kid with red toy telephone who uses is to talk to his dead father, but it isn't really his father, it's the spirit of an evil magician who has possessed a ventriloquist dummy the boy found in an old mine shaft or something and decided to bring home for some reason. It's called Making Contact, or Joey for the German version and, among other things, it was the first film directed by Roland "Leno-chinned Godzilla" Emmerich. Everything about this movie is crazy. Emmirich, living in West Germany in 1985, wanted to connect with American audiences, so in addition to being an English language film (which was later dubbed into German for hometown audiences, so the German actors recorded the whole movie in English, then dubbed it in their native language.) every frame of the movie beats you over the head with "Boy, we sure are in AMERICA!" It begins with a funeral. A nine-year-old boy named...
More About: Internet , The Internet

The Internet...Is There Anything it Doesn't Know?
2009-03-16 21:00:00
Thanks to the internet, I now know the name of a movie that used to be on HBO all the time about a kid with red toy telephone who uses is to talk to his dead father, but it isn't really his father, it's the spirit of an evil magician who has possessed a ventriloquist dummy the boy found in an old mine shaft or something and decided to bring home for some reason. It's called Making Contact, or Joey for the German version and, among other things, it was the first film directed by Roland "Leno-chinned Godzilla" Emmerich. Everything about this movie is crazy. Emmirich, living in West Germany in 1985, wanted to connect with American audiences, so in addition to being an English language film (which was later dubbed into German for hometown audiences, so the German actors recorded the whole movie in English, then dubbed it in their native language.) every frame of the movie beats you over the head with "Boy, we sure are in AMERICA!" It begins with a funeral. A nine-year-old boy named...
More About: Internet , The Internet

Apologies in Advance
2009-03-05 04:08:00
A pirate is sitting at the bar, and the bartender says "How'd you get that eyepatch?" The pirate says, "Arrr, livin' on a ship can get a bit cramped, so some of the lads decided we should take a portion of the cargo hold where we store our plunder and convert it ta livin' quarters. Not everyone was open to the idea." "So they stabbed you in the eye?" "What? No! So we had a vote, fair and democratic like, to see whether or not we should give up some loot space fer some livin' space. The results were split down the middle, seven men for it, and seven opposed, with one undecided." "So the guys that were against it broke into your quarters while you slept and plucked out your eye to get you to change your vote!" "No! Stop doing that! So...I approached the undecided lad and asked if there was anythin' I could do to persuade him ta vote for the extra livin' space." "And?" "And nothin', he agreed ta vote in favor of it, and that's why I wear this eyepatch." "I don't get it...

Apologies in Advance
2009-03-04 22:16:00
A pirate is sitting at the bar, and the bartender says "How'd you get that eyepatch?" The pirate says, "Arrr, livin' on a ship can get a bit cramped, so some of the lads decided we should take a portion of the cargo hold where we store our plunder and convert it ta livin' quarters. Not everyone was open to the idea." "So they stabbed you in the eye?" "What? No! So we had a vote, fair and democratic like, to see whether or not we should give up some loot space fer some livin' space. The results were split down the middle, seven men for it, and seven opposed, with one undecided." "So the guys that were against it broke into your quarters while you slept and plucked out your eye to get you to change your vote!" "No! Stop doing that! So...I approached the undecided lad and asked if there was anythin' I could do to persuade him ta vote for the extra livin' space." "And?" "And nothin', he agreed ta vote in favor of it, and that's why I wear this eyepatch." "I don't get it...

Random Squeegee: The Movie
2009-02-11 21:13:00
created using xtranormal.com
More About: Movie , Random , The Movie

Random Squeegee: The Movie
2009-02-11 21:07:00
created using xtranormal.com
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My Heart Will Go On
2009-02-06 22:34:00
I got the results from those ultrasounds from the other day. The doctor said while she is confident that I do in fact have Marfan Syndrome, both scans showed my aorta to be perfectly healthy. I'm going to have to go back once a year so they can keep an eye on it, but she reassured me that if and when the aortic tissue expands too much, I'd just need to take pills to regulate it as opposed to surgery. I can deal with that. So as far as dropping dead goes, I think I'm in the clear. but I've still got joint and tissue deterioration to worry about. She suggested Tai Chi, which is supposed to help me avoid things like my thumb or even my whole wrist trying to escape. Conversely, yoga is one of the worst things I could do. I really don't need to be stretched out any more than I already am. Next up is an eye exam, to see if I have a dislocated lens. She said if I start seeing silvery flashes in front of my eyes, go to the nearest eye treatment facility right away, because it could...
More About: Heart

My Heart Will Go On
2009-02-06 21:34:00
I got the results from those ultrasounds from the other day. The doctor said while she is confident that I do in fact have Marfan Syndrome, both scans showed my aorta to be perfectly healthy. I'm going to have to go back once a year so they can keep an eye on it, but she reassured me that if and when the aortic tissue expands too much, I'd just need to take pills to regulate it as opposed to surgery. I can deal with that. So as far as dropping dead goes, I think I'm in the clear. but I've still got joint and tissue deterioration to worry about. She suggested Tai Chi, which is supposed to help me avoid things like my thumb or even my whole wrist trying to escape. Conversely, yoga is one of the worst things I could do. I really don't need to be stretched out any more than I already am. Next up is an eye exam, to see if I have a dislocated lens. She said if I start seeing silvery flashes in front of my eyes, go to the nearest eye treatment facility right away, because it could...
More About: Heart

JMDb Strikes Again
2009-02-04 16:13:00
Since the day he got here, and probably even before that, Joe's been periodically shouting "Bailiff, whack his pee pee!" And as with everything else that spews from his mouth, no provocation is needed. We'll be sitting in complete silence, then "Bailiff, whack his pee pee!" comes booming out of his office. Perhaps even more baffling is the revelation yesterday that Money claims to have never heard Joe say this at any point over the last eight years. You've got to envy Mooney's acute ability to suppress and/or block out stuff like that. I guess it made him curious, because today Mooney said "Bailiff, whack his pee pee!" to see what Joe would do. "Who was it that said that?" Joe asked. "I forget his name. It was a black guy." "You mean that's actually from something?" asked Mooney. "Yup. It was a bit on Rowan & Martin's. 'Bailiff, Whack his pee pee!'" "Rowan & Martin's? They said that on TV?" "Oh yeah, you could say anything back then." Joe informs him. I guess when you...

JMDb Strikes Again
2009-02-04 15:30:00
Since the day he got here, and probably even before that, Joe's been periodically shouting "Bailiff, whack his pee pee!" And as with everything else that spews from his mouth, no provocation is needed. We'll be sitting in complete silence, then "Bailiff, whack his pee pee!" comes booming out of his office. Perhaps even more baffling is the revelation yesterday that Money claims to have never heard Joe say this at any point over the last eight years. You've got to envy Mooney's acute ability to suppress and/or block out stuff like that. I guess it made him curious, because today Mooney said "Bailiff, whack his pee pee!" to see what Joe would do. "Who was it that said that?" Joe asked. "I forget his name. It was a black guy." "You mean that's actually from something?" asked Mooney. "Yup. It was a bit on Rowan & Martin's. 'Bailiff, Whack his pee pee!'" "Rowan & Martin's? They said that on TV?" "Oh yeah, you could say anything back then." Joe informs him. I guess when you...

JMDb
2009-01-29 20:49:00
Sometimes, you just have to know when to pick your battles. That being said, from my office I just heard just say from down the hall: "You know what was a movie that was disappointing that got a lot of hype? End of Days. It was Arnold's last movie, besides his cameo in The Rundown." Against all odds, my brain did not implode after taking in that much false information. 2008 John would have gone down there and corrected him, but 2009 John is just going to sit in his office and pretend it never happened. However, just to purge it from my head, End of Days came out in 1999, just in time to cash in on the Y2K hysteria, but long before Arnold's stint in politics. In fact, over the next four years after End of Days release, he would go on to star in three more movies; The 6th Day, Collateral Damage and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, as while he did have an uncredited cameo in The Rundown, his actual pre-Governator performance was a cameo in the greenlit-for-some-reason Around the...

JMDb
2009-01-29 20:14:00
Sometimes, you just have to know when to pick your battles. That being said, from my office I just heard just say from down the hall: "You know what was a movie that was disappointing that got a lot of hype? End of Days. It was Arnold's last movie, besides his cameo in The Rundown." Against all odds, my brain did not implode after taking in that much false information. 2008 John would have gone down there and corrected him, but 2009 John is just going to sit in his office and pretend it never happened. However, just to purge it from my head, End of Days came out in 1999, just in time to cash in on the Y2K hysteria, but long before Arnold's stint in politics. In fact, over the next four years after End of Days release, he would go on to star in three more movies; The 6th Day, Collateral Damage and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, as while he did have an uncredited cameo in The Rundown, his actual pre-Governator performance was a cameo in the greenlit-for-some-reason Around the...

Bill Pullman.org. Yes. Dot ORG.
2009-01-27 16:25:00
For some reason, I was just thinking of a bit from Family Guy about Neil Simon's The Even Couple, starring Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman. This isn't spaghetti, it's linguine. You're right, it is! I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. So I did a search and discovered it was mentioned in the 2006 news archives of billpullman.org. Bill Pullman is an organization now? Why isn't it .com, like Kamala the Ugandan Giant's website? What makes Bill Pullman so damn special? To be fair, the site does state that "Bill Pullman.org is not officially connected in any way to Bill Pullman." So it's not as though Bill Pullman has let all of his many accolades go to his head. And anyway, odds are he would have gone with billpullman.gov, I mean, he did play the President of the United States. I just hope billpullman.org is at least a non-profit organization determined to enhance the lives of those less fortunate, ...

Bill Pullman.org. Yes. Dot ORG.
2009-01-27 16:00:00
For some reason, I was just thinking of a bit from Family Guy about Neil Simon's The Even Couple, starring Jeff Daniels and Bill Pullman. This isn't spaghetti, it's linguine. You're right, it is! I always get those confused. Hey, all of us are human. I'm glad we're friends. Yeah, this is really working out. So I did a search and discovered it was mentioned in the 2006 news archives of billpullman.org. Bill Pullman is an organization now? Why isn't it .com, like Kamala the Ugandan Giant's website? What makes Bill Pullman so damn special? To be fair, the site does state that "Bill Pullman.org is not officially connected in any way to Bill Pullman." So it's not as though Bill Pullman has let all of his many accolades go to his head. And anyway, odds are he would have gone with billpullman.gov, I mean, he did play the President of the United States. I just hope billpullman.org is at least a non-profit organization determined to enhance the lives of those less fortunate, ...

An Important Chinese New Year Message
2009-01-26 22:08:00
Well, it's a new year, there's a new president, and I'm a new uncle. That's right, uncle, like all those Disney castratos. Michele's sister gave birth to a boy last week, making me an uncle, except we're not married so I don't know if that's an official title or like a gray area. Anyway, to go along with all this newness, I guess I owe a new post. Or at least a new-ish one. Tuesday I was at Harvard Vanguard Kenmore for most of the day. When I made the appointment in early December, they set up a blood test, and two ultrasounds; one for my heart and one for the abdomen. Hold on, quick question: What do you call a snowman body without a head? highlight for answer the abdominal snowman Sorry. I needed to fast for the abdominal one, so I made the appointment for 11:00 AM, then I could have lunch, and go to the cardio scan at 1:30. That way I get get it all done and out of the way in one day. Less to remember that way. It turns out that somehow, even that was too much to reme...
More About: New Year , Chinese , Chinese New Year , Message , Year

An Important Chinese New Year Message
2009-01-26 20:51:00
Well, it's a new year, there's a new president, and I'm a new uncle. That's right, uncle, like all those Disney castratos. Michele's sister gave birth to a boy last week, making me an uncle, except we're not married so I don't know if that's an official title or like a gray area. Anyway, to go along with all this newness, I guess I owe a new post. Or at least a new-ish one. Tuesday I was at Harvard Vanguard Kenmore for most of the day. When I made the appointment in early December, they set up a blood test, and two ultrasounds; one for my heart and one for the abdomen. Hold on, quick question: What do you call a snowman body without a head? highlight for answer the abdominal snowman Sorry. I needed to fast for the abdominal one, so I made the appointment for 11:00 AM, then I could have lunch, and go to the cardio scan at 1:30. That way I get get it all done and out of the way in one day. Less to remember that way. It turns out that somehow, even that was too much to reme...
More About: New Year , Chinese , Chinese New Year , Message , Year

An Important Christmas Message
2008-12-26 17:02:00
Hello, and merry Christmas everyone. You know, with all the commercialism surrounding Christmas, it can be easy to forget what this day is all about. It's to celebrate the birth of someone who came into this world with a message of joy and peace. Someone who died, rose again, and will return again one day. So happy birthday, Frosty the Snowman!
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An Important Christmas Message
2008-12-25 16:07:00
Hello, and merry Christmas everyone. You know, with all the commercialism surrounding Christmas, it can be easy to forget what this day is all about. It's to celebrate the birth of someone who came into this world with a message of joy and peace. Someone who died, rose again, and will return again one day. So happy birthday, Frosty the Snowman!
More About: Message

In A Country Far Far Away...
2008-12-10 16:00:00
Snit (aka Droopy McCool). Jabba's palace. 1983. Sara the walrus. Istanbul. 2008. George Lucas is like Nerdstadamus. Who knew?
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In A Country Far Far Away...
2008-12-10 15:30:00
Snit (aka Droopy McCool). Jabba's palace. 1983. Sara the walrus. Istanbul. 2008. George Lucas is like Nerdstadamus. Who knew?
More About: Country

Aorta Be in Pictures
2008-12-10 13:58:00
Remember when I made that appointment to see if I had Marfan Syndrome? Well, I just got back. Did you know that geneticists are located in the same part of the medical facility as the OB/GYN? I didn't. And neither did the lady behind the desk at the gynecologist's office apparently. I got some weird looks when I walked in there. Can I help you? Um, I'm here for an appointment. With an OB/GYN? Uh, no. Genetics. She asked for my name, then she looked me up and asked me to sit down. So I sat there for about thirty-five minutes as wave after wave of female patients came in, sat down, were called into the office, and left. The lady behind the desk was talking to her co-worker about David Otunga, the guy from "I Love New York" who's engaged to Jennifer Hudson. I had already made the co-pay downstairs and this is where the woman there directed me to go. I was starting to think I was in the wrong office, but the lady behind the desk assured me this was genetics, and the doctor wou...
More About: Pictures