The User PoolThe User PoolA social satire on corporate politics and office relationships.A social satire on corporate politics and office relationshipsA social satire on corporate politics and office relationships 
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Germany
2008-03-18 04:15:00 Mulhausen immediately noticed that they don't speak English in Berlin.That's right, they speak something else. I told him it was Portuguese. Some of the people in the office knew English, but spoke with a Hitler accent. Like they were mad and wanted to kill millions of people in a single shot. But although they spoke with an angry accent, they did it with a smile. The way Charlie Manson might talk to you right before carving Helter Skelter into your forehead with a shard of glass. They were not particularly happy with a global system that was forced upon them by someone else; the system that I now have to support.While they were sympathetic to the fact that I had nothing to do with the rollout, they were unsympathetic to the fact that I had been thrown into the mix late in the game and it was now my job to support the system after the fact.In the world of Technology, Users only blame one person: whichever Technology sucker they happen to be speaking to at the moment.Mulhausen offe... More About: Humor , Germany , Satire
The Jason X Identity
2008-03-14 19:40:00 Germans are very friendly when they insult you. The Spanish talk very fast so that they can get a lot out, even though they say very little. The Italians kiss everyone's cheeks regardless of where that cheek has been. I've hit three more countries in three days since London. Berlin, Madrid, and Rome. And I guess people are crazy everywhere, not just in L.A. I don't have much time. I'm on the hotel computer in the Business Center. My laptop crashed and has been dead for three days; and my Blackberry wasn't working because they didn't give me a global SIM card even though I now have a global job. I've got some good stories, but no time, so I'll start posting when I get back on Sunday (for each Country). I'm on the run. I have Mulhausen believing I'm Jason Bourne. I pretended the trip to Berlin sparked memories of past intrigue. He now believes we're being chased by former KGB agents with a grudge against me for the work I did that helped end the cold war. This new... More About: Humor , Satire , Identity
Foriegn Languages
2008-03-11 00:37:00 The English do not speak English.I don’t know what they speak, but it is not the English language. Here’s what it sounds like: Bidda dida du, badaba daba di, badeeba fish ‘n chips. I don’t like the way they talk because they seem so fucking cheery, but I know that they’re really probably saying Fuck you, you arrogant American asshole. I may in fact be an arrogant American asshole, but I’d like to know when I’m being accused of it. As it stands, I don’t know what the hell these blokes are saying. I can only assume, so I assume the worst. The trip over was good. Mulhausen was a wreck. I kept ordering alcohol, but Mulhausen, because of his religious convictions, would only order apple juice. He did, however, drop a couple of Ambien. But every time he started dosing off, I shook his seat to simulate turbulence. He awoke in a fit of paranoia. I had no desire to sleep because of the abundant selection of movies our business class status offe... More About: Humor , Satire , Languages
Happy Monday
2008-03-04 02:32:00 I was happy to find out this morning that Blair took the pregnancy test over the weekend and confirmed that she was definitely pregnant with my baby. She walked into my office clutching a Venti Vanilla Latte and with a very stern expression announced that she was, in fact, big with my child. Which is why I immediately knew she was lying. If Blair were really pregnant: She would be weeping uncontrollably for at least a week straight She would not be drinking coffee for fear of birth defectsShe would not declare it was my child even though she believes my sperm is stronger than her husband's spermAs I mentioned before, Blair would never make up something like this just to fuck with me. However, after the relief of finally getting her period, she would take advantage of the situation and test me.Knowing this, I responded with the utmost sincerity telling her that I would "be there for her" no matter what she decided to do. You could see that tiny sparkle in her eye an... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Happy , Monday
Aunt Flo
2008-03-01 03:48:00 We're still waiting for Aunt Flo to come visit. She's been out of town for over a month now and she's well overdue to make an appearance. I swear to God that ugly bitch better show her face soon or I'm going to lose my shit.The problem with Aunt Flo is that she always seems to show up when you least expect or want her to show up. Then everything just turns in to a big mess. And nobody ever tells you Aunt Flo is visiting until it's already too late. It would be nice if you were given the option of coming over or not based on the fact that Aunt Flo was already there. You know, something like, Hey, Aunt Flo is here, are you sure you want to come over? Even then, it's not that easy to say, No, I'm going to delay my visit by a week and wait until Aunt Flo leaves town again. So I guess, either way, you're stuck.And when you're seeing multiple people, somehow and for some reason, everyone's Aunt Flo starts showing up the same time every month. So even if you did want to pas... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Office Romance
How to Murder Your Friend's Wife
2008-02-29 02:36:00 Conklin's slutty wife sent me an email today. Apparently, Conklin has been acting strange lately and she blames me for some reason for this sudden transformation. She listed the strange behavior:He doesn't interrogate her anymore after a late night out with "the girls"Nor does he conduct a panty check after a late night out with "the girls"He doesn't question her cell phone billHe no longer sends her text messages like "Where the fuck are you?" or "How come you won't answer my phone calls"He does not accuse her of sleeping with the neighborsHe does not accuse her of sleeping with the men and women who attend her aerobics classHe is not generally suspicious of her, even when she tries to incite him with innuendoHe does not seem to care if anyone is fucking herHe does not try to fuck her himselfHe switched from Diet Coke to Diet PepsiShe demanded to know what I've done to him. And, of course, she threatened to go to Blair if I did not tell ... More About: Murder , Humor , Relationships , Wife , Satire
Blair's Baby
2008-02-28 02:47:00 Piss on the fucking stick.Blair is being a bitch, as usual. I bought her a pregnancy test because she won't do it herself. She's late by a week. But she believes that if she takes the test, the result will be positive. Not because she necessarily believes she's actually pregnant, but because she believes that taking the test will somehow make her pregnant. She believes the only way to get a negative result from the test is to not take the test at all. So if she doesn't take the test, she isn't pregnant. You either are pregnant or you're not. Just piss on the fucking stick.What would happen if Blair was pregnant? No good scenario comes to mind. Maybe I should just push her down the stairs. A little tumble to fix things up. Okay, look, I'm not that cruel. Just because the thought crosses my mind doesn't mean I'll do it. Oh wait... I usually do act on the crazy thoughts that cross my mind...Oh Blair... Let's take the stairs so that we don't run into anyone...No cameras, no ... More About: Humor , Baby , Relationships , Satire , Office Romance
Rabbit Test
2008-02-27 01:37:00 From Wikipedia.com: "The rabbit test was an early pregnancy test developed in 1927 by Bernhard Zondek and Selmar Aschheim. The test consisted of injecting the tested woman's urine into a female rabbit, then examining the rabbit's ovaries a few days later, which would change in response to a hormone only secreted by pregnant women. It is a common misconception that the injected rabbit would die only if the woman was pregnant. This led to the phrase "the rabbit died" being used as a euphemism for a positive pregnancy test. In fact, all rabbits used for the test died, because they had to be surgically opened in order to examine the ovaries. While it was possible to do this without killing the rabbit, it was generally deemed not worth the trouble and expense..." Blair thinks she might be pregnant. More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Test
The Big Night
2008-02-16 03:21:00 Conklin spent a great deal of time today trying to talk to me. However, I would not talk to him because I can't fully trust him until he makes a show of good faith by deflowering Blendi the Virgin. Which is exactly why he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to try to get out of deflowering Blendi the Virgin, but in order to talk me out of it, he has to go through with it because I won't talk to him until he's actually done it. Of course, the discussion becomes a moot point after the fact. He doesn't want to deflower Blendi the Virgin because he wants to be faithful to his unfaithful wife. But since his slutty wife does trust him and I don't trust him, he's more concerned about me than her right now. So because his wife trusts him, he's willing to cheat on her to make sure that I trust him. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?We have the camera crew and set ready. It's an actual porn set. I got Nick Zima to swing it for me. I've got a dining room set and a bedroom set in a wareho... More About: Humor , Satire , Night , Office Romance
Documentation
2008-02-14 03:02:00 Our policy on system documentation in this company is to have no documentation. That way, nobody knows exactly how fucked up our systems really are. Lack of system documentation is also a good way to ease new technical talent into an environment that will later become known to them as "Hell". You don't want to scare them off too soon. You want it to sort of sneak up on them, after it's too late; after they've cut all ties with other opportunities, maybe burned bridges, etc. I like peering into the conference room window as one of our DBAs conducts a knowledge transfer session with one of the new guys. The facial expressions are always priceless. Sometimes Gladstone and I watch the knowledge transfer session from outside the conference room and pretend to be the DBA by saying things like:"First, we're going to stick pins in your eyeballs just to make things exciting." The new guy reacts as if the DBA said just that."Then we're going to la... More About: Humor , Satire , Documentation
Virgin Killer
2008-02-13 03:04:00 If I'm going to fully trust Conklin again, he must first provide me with a show of good faith. Since trust is the most important thing to Conklin, he will do anything to prove he is trustworthy. The show of good faith I require is for Conklin to deflower Blendi the Virgin . So by committing adultery, he will prove he is worthy of trust. Killing the virgin in Blendi will actually accomplish five things: 1. Provide a show of good faith for Conklin 2. Get Conklin laid 3. Get me laid without being "The One" 4. Provide a big "Fuck You" to Conklin's big fat slut-of-a-wife 5. Pave the way for me to convince Conklin to murder his wife Gladstone told me that Conklin said that he needed to think about it. I told Gladstone to tell Conklin that if he was really trustworthy, he wouldn't have to think about a show of good faith; he'd just agree to do it. Gladstone told Conklin what I said, and Conklin just agreed to do it. So the plan is to do it this Friday ... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Killer
Bomb Threat Check List
2008-02-12 04:09:00 Pangbourn is the executive sponsor of the Emergency Response Team. As such, he has just published the Bomb Threat Check List . Normally, Pangbourn is only paranoid that someone will try to blow him up personally. However, lately, the paranoia has expanded to the whole building. This is because he was appointed to be the executive sponsor of the ERT. They did this to put his paranoia to good use, but instead it has just compounded the problem. Prior to this appointment, Pangbourn was paranoid that someone was trying to kill him; he is now paranoid that someone is trying to kill everyone. Here's the checklist that we are supposed to keep by our phone in case someone calls with a bomb threat:Questions to ask:1. When is the bomb going to explode?2. Where is it right now?3. What does it look like?4. What kind of a bomb is it?5. What will cause it to explode?6. Did you place the bomb?7. Why?8. What is your address?9. What is your name?I'm sure the last two questions a... More About: Humor , Satire
Bertha is not Anorexic
2008-02-09 03:31:00 Bertha is not anorexic even though at 5'6" she weighs 90 pounds and will only eat two saltine crackers per day because she believes her body is hideously fat.Bertha is Kornfeld's assistant. And although Kornfeld always pretends to be healthy, he is always afflicted with some illness. Bertha always perpetuates his delusion by telling Kornfeld how healthy and fit he looks even though he looks like death. In turn, Kornfeld always tells Bertha how healthy she looks even though she looks like a Sally Struthers photo op from Ethiopia. They work very well together. My assistant Teri is friends with Bertha. Teri is about ten pounds overweight and is currently taking a suppliment to neutralize carbs and shed the excess. Bertha is jealous of Teri because she believes Teri is much skinnier than she is even though Teri is about 40 pounds heavier than Bertha. Teri is not jealous of Bertha because Bertha is about to die.Blair is jealous of Bertha, but not because she is... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Bertha , Office Romance
Still Sick
2008-02-08 03:01:00 Here's the dilemma: If you don't come into work because of a simple little cold, everyone thinks you're a big pussy. Worse, in my case, I have to be home with my wife all day. But that's another discussion... But, if you do come into work, everyone says, Go home, you need rest and all you're doing is spreading the germs.Ideally, you come into work and show everyone how sick and miserable you are so they'll tell you to go home; you finally leave, go to some user's place and fuck like rabbits. Then you're golden all around. That's if you have the strength to do it, which I don't. So I came into work for one specific reason: to infect Blair. While I waited in her office, I wiped my nose with my hand and then touched everything I knew she'd touch in her office. Phone, keyboard, mouse, etc. When she came into her office, she closed her door to give me a kiss, as she often does. That's all she'll do though. No hanky panky. She's very strict about that. As soon as she g... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Sick , Office Romance
Sick
2008-02-07 02:34:00 I'm sick. With a cold. [cough, cough]I still went to work. But I didn't have the strength to manage Blair, so I hid from her all day. Blendi the Virgin found me though. Now that she's made the decision to give up her virginity, she's horny as fuck. If I wasn't this sick and hopped up on cold pills, I'd have done it. Right in my office. I can't get Conklin to do it because I'm not speaking to him because I can't trust him. In fact, he's been freaking out all day because Gladstone told him I was no longer speaking to him because I don't trust him. Which is all part of the plan. Not the Deflower Blendi the Virgin plan, but the Get Conklin to murder his slutty wife plan. Because if I'm going to get him to deflower Blendi the Virgin, I need to get him to stop talking to his wife by refusing to talk to him because I don't trust him. Once that happens, I can trust him, then speak to him again, then convince him to deflower Blendi the Virgin. Oh, and convince him to murder... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Sick , Office Romance
How to Keep Conklin's Mouth Shut
2008-02-06 03:57:00 Since I can't talk to Conklin without his slutty wife talking to Blair, I had Gladstone do the talking for me. Conklin did not know that his slutty wife threatened me and told me never to speak with him again. Misinformation is key to manipulation. Half-truths are golden. Remember that.I had Gladstone tell Conklin that his slutty wife stopped by my office and yelled at me for trying to get him to deflower Blendi the Virgin. He made sure that Conklin knew that I now know that he tells his slutty wife everything, which is why I will never speak to him again. This will drive Conklin nuts because trust and loyalty are now being called into question. Which, ironically, is why he tells his slutty wife everything. But now, the only way I can trust him again is if he tells his slutty wife nothing. Trust is the thing Conklin values the most even though it's the thing his slutty wife values the least. But since Conklin's slutty wife knows this about Conklin, she trusts him more than a... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Mouth , Shut
Conklin's Slutty Wife
2008-02-05 03:33:00 Conklin's slutty wife came by to see me today. Apparently Conklin told her that I was trying to hook him up with Blendi the Virgin so that she could lose her virginity to him instead of me so that I would not be "the one". Conklin's wife would be pretty if she didn't dress like a whore. At least she doesn't dress like a cheap whore. She spends a great deal of Conklin's money on upscale brand-name apparel and accessories so that she can attract men to fuck her while her husband works very hard to make more money for her to spend on more upscale brand-name apparel and accessories so that she can attract more men to fuck her even more. And while she lies to him about everything, he cannot lie to her about anything. And in fact, he even tells her things she didn't know to ask about. For example, he apparently told her about my plan for Blendi the Virgin. I know how self-centered I am and that most everything I do is intended to benefit me alone, but... More About: Humor , Relationships , Wife , Satire
10 Uses for a Blackberry Besides Communication
2008-02-02 02:30:00 I hate my Blackberry today. Either it wasn't functioning properly or people were bothering me to often about too many things I don't care about. I felt like going to the roof and chucking it over the edge to see it drop 34 floors to a very satisfying early retirement. But then I figured people was assume I was suicidal again, and I wasn't in the mood for that. So I thought of other things I could do with my crackberry today. Here's the listA puck: For stick hockey in the hallway. Mulhausen doesn't like it when I play stick hockey in the hallway, but he's afraid of my Indian programmers, especially the Punjabi. Mainly because he believes the Punjabi are Arabs and will blow him up with a bomb if he pisses them off. So he usually calls me on my Blackberry to get my attention and tell me to stop. If my Blackberry is the puck, probably solved. A door jam: To keep the door open, or better still, to keep it closed when I'm having sex with someone. Locking it doesn't necessarily do ... More About: Humor , Communication , Satire
Tech-Babe and Blair
2008-01-31 23:19:00 This question has been raised more than once: is Tech -Babe actually Blair ? In one of the comments for the post Like a Virgin, Just Curious asked: "Tech Babe are you Blair? You sure sound and act like her..."Tech-Babe and I both responded in the comments section. I admit it is odd that nobody has ever seen Tech-Babe and Blair together at the same time. And nobody knows Tech-Babe's real name, which could be Blair, even though Blair's real name isn't Blair. As I mentioned in my response to Just Curious, I don't see any similarities between Tech-Babe and Blair other than their penchant for colorful language. And I doubt Blair would be so friendly after reading my posts about Athena the Lesbian, Blendi the Virgin, Lucia, Wheels, etc. But then again, maybe I'm just misleading you. I've been known to do that.So now I'm just curious. How many of you think Tech-Babe is Blair? More About: Humor , Satire
Last Night with Blair
2008-01-31 03:22:00 Schizophrenia, from the Greek roots schizein (σχ?ζειν, "to split") and phr?n, phren- (φρ?ν, φρεν-, "mind"), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction.Psychosis is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality." Stedman's Medical Dictionary defines psychosis as "a severe mental disorder, with or without organic damage, characterized by derangement of personality and loss of contact with reality and causing deterioration of normal social functioning."[1 Puddle of Mudd combines the two words "Schizophrenic psycho" in their song "Psycho"... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Night , Blair
HR and Candy Bars
2008-01-26 02:05:00 As predicted, I was called down to HR today to discuss all the complaints they've been getting about me competing with employees' kids selling candy bars. Triplet had my file on her desk in front of her; a very large file at that. There were worn edges on the manila file folder, like it had been flipped through many times. Lots of multi-color, multi-sized papers, including A4, which must have come from one of our International offices. I was surprised, because I couldn't think of anyone I had offended off-shore. Except maybe the Aussies. But I was under the impression Aussies were impossible to offend. Leave it to me...Triplet shook her head, as if I were driving a school bus under the influence. "But you're taking business away from children who are raising money to support a legitimate cause," Triplet said. "It's my understanding that the children themselves are supposed to be selling the candy bars, not their parents," I said. "So really, I'm ... More About: Humor , Satire , Candy , Bars
Candy Bar Season
2008-01-25 01:01:00 Is it candy bar season again already? Everyone wants me to buy a candy bar for their kid. Mulhausen came into my office today and asked if I'd like to buy a candy bar for a dollar to help his kid raise money for some Christian cause. I said sure and took one. He asked for the dollar and I said he could cover it himself, since he owed me a dollar for not swearing in my office. Not long ago, I implemented the reverse swear jar to counter his traditional swear jar: if you don't use at least one swear word when you come into my office, you owe me a dollar. I told Mulhausen that if he used at least one foul word, I would pay him a dollar for the candy bar. However, I did warn him that given his kid's Christian cause, the Lord might view the dollar as blood money. He took his candy bar back and left my office.Everyone seems to be selling the same generic chocolate bar for the same amount: 1 dollar. I decided to buy a box of Kingsize Butterfingers and a box of Kingsize Snickers for abou... More About: Humor , Satire , Season , Candy
Alan Smithee
2008-01-24 03:05:00 Nick Zima is going back into the porn business, but he's graciously offered to either let Alan Smithee live on as my imaginary boss or resign to Mulhausen and let him die an honorable death. The choice is mine. But I'm torn. Imaginary Smithee has certainly been entertaining and provided the support I've lacked with Mulhausen for a boss, but he's also caused his share of trouble for me. So I want to get reader opinion. Please take the poll below. If you read this post in a reader, please come to the site and vote. And of course, comments to support your opinion are welcome. I value your input, especially since my judgment has been a little spotty lately... More About: Humor , Satire
There's No Place Like Home
2008-01-23 00:47:00 No work yesterday because of the holiday (Martin Luther King Jr. Day), so I didn't post anything. I didn't want to post anything anyway until I heard back from Detective Curran regarding further details on the murder of Alan Smithee, a.k.a. Nick Zima, a.k.a Johnny Boz. I was hoping the continued investigation and discovery of new evidence would eliminate me as a suspect and lead them to the real culprit. Unfortunately, the real culprit had more than just murder in mind. Curran showed up at my office about 10:30 this morning. He made himself comfortable in the chair across from my desk clutching his Starbucks Venti non-fat, no whip, seasonal pumpkin spice latte. He really enjoyed that coffee--or maybe he was just getting a kick out watching the beads of sweat form on my forehead."I"m sorry," he said. "I borrowed one of your pens when I was here last week. Didn't bring it back." "That's okay," I said. "I have plenty.""I lifted your... More About: Humor , Home , Satire , Place
Tree Sex
2008-01-10 02:01:00 I had sex with Blair in a tree last night.Location, location, location. Much like buying a home, when you're having an affair, these are the three most important factors. My office is equipped with a couch and a beautiful view of the city. Yet, Blair will not have sex with me at the office. Maybe she values her job or something equally ridiculous. Regardless, she's not down with it. Often, her husband is across town working late and we have free reign at her place for a couple of hours. Other times, we resort to car sex. She's not too fond of car sex either because it seems to cheapen the adultery. A sleazy motel is out of the question; it makes her feel like a hooker instead of just a plain slut. Finding the right location is very difficult. So often we end up at the park.There's a little park near the office that's actually safe after dark with very few people roaming around. There's a nice picnic table by a tree which is half surrounded by bushes. The picnic table is made o... More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Tree
Office Politics
2008-01-05 03:33:00 Nick Zima pulled me aside today and said:"I'm not sure this guy Dinton even exists." This, coming from my own personal Easter Bunny. I'm not sure if I should refer to Nick Zima as Smithee now or just stick to Nick Zima to keep things straight. Not that Nick Zima is his real name either. I'm sure it's just a stage name. His real name is probably something like Bill or Bob. But I don't want to accidentally call him Nick Zima in public, so I'd better just call him Smithee from now on. Or Easter Bunny. Dinton exists all right. He just doesn't want anyone to know where he is so that everyone thinks he's busy doing something important. He's the VP of Data Warehousing but he is never doing anything important. This used to be a problem because he always had trouble pretending to do important things, so it appeared like he was doing nothing, which he was. So he decided that if he could never be found, people would always think he was doing something impor... More About: Politics , Humor , Office , Satire
Wheels of Tragedy
2008-01-03 23:39:00 Plotkin can walk perfectly fine, which is why he's now confined to a wheelchair. I was surprised to see Plotkin wheel into my office this morning in a wheelchair, but he assured me he had full physical use of both legs. There had been no accident, no physical injury, nor had any cancerous disease impaired his ability to walk. "It's 100% mental," he said. Because he has the full use of both legs, he fears losing it. This became a fear of his when his son offered a prayer of thanksgiving over the holiday and specifically thanked God that his father was not a paraplegic. Since then, Plotkin has been having terrible nightmares about car accidents that leave me paralyzed from the waist down. So now, he will not allow himself to walk mentally for fear of losing the use of his legs physically."How do you overcome it?" I asked."Hard to say with psychological issues like this," he said. His doctor did say, however, that if he actually got into an acc... More About: Humor , Finance , Tragedy , Satire , Accounting
How to Start the New Year with a Bang
2008-01-02 23:10:00 Well friends, I'm back and I have to say I'm pretty pissed off. How was my New Year 's Eve? Pretty crappy, but that's the least of my problems. I walked into the office this morning feeling good about life and friends and even my job. I had a pretty good '07 and I was hoping for an even better '08. But if today is any indication of how the rest of the year is going to unfold, I'm pretty much fucked for '08. I understand what Victor Von Frankenstein must have felt like after successfully creating life with God-like magnificence, only to find that his creation was nothing more than a hideous, murderous monster. As usual, I called Teri from the elevator, then walked past her still talking to her with my ear bud. She never knows what to do at that point. Hang up and follow me or continue to talk on the phone to me. If she doesn't hang up, I hang up and yell back to her Are you coming? If she does hang up, I scold her for hanging up on me. Along with everything else she does for ... More About: Humor , Satire , Start , Bang
New Year's Resolutions
2008-01-01 00:43:00 I don't usually do this, but since this has been a stellar year and I've gotten away with much more shit than is reasonable for one man without at least getting fired or at most murdered, I've decided to list out my new year's resolutions. I will not blame everything on Smithee. Here's a man who has worked hard to build up a solid reputation at this company and if I continue to blame him for every misstep I take, he's not going to last long at this corporation. And I need him to stick around for a very long time. I will get others to cut down on swearing around the office. Since I implemented the reverse swear jar, people have increased their swearing to avoid contributing a dollar everytime they come into my office and do not swear. As such, it's not generating enough fucking revenue. Just enough to buy me lunch every day would be superb. Goddamn it. Where are all those Bible Study fuckers when you need them?I will cease attempting suicide. Sure my failed attempted suicide w... More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Lesbian , Office Romance
How to Maintain a Disfunctional Relationship
More articles from this author:2007-12-22 00:50:00 "I love you because you make me happy," I said.She again stared at me with the look of stone cold granite. There are those of you who have asked if I really love Blair or not. I actually do love Blair, but not because she makes me happy. In fact, I stay in the relationship with Blair because she doesn't make me happy. If she did make me happy, I might get the bright idea to leave my wife to start a whole new relationship that would land me in the exact same situation I'm in now a couple years down the road. I don't know exactly why I love Blair, which makes it very hard to answer her question truthfully or otherwise. She, unlike anyone else in the User Pool, fills a mystery void left by the fucked up relationship I have with my wife. There's probably a better way to fill that void, but until I know exactly what the void is, I can't really make adjustments.So I put up with her shit, but not because she's beautiful or because she's the most sexual person I... More About: Humor , Relationships , Finance , Relationship , Satire 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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