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How to Lose Your Job in 10 Days
2007-12-06 20:23:00
The new interim Director of Application Development started today although nobody has seen him yet.  The reason nobody has seen him is because he does not exist. I know this because I made him up. Response to the Swear Jar was mixed, but there was definite concern that my solution to the issue was a career limiting move. Even if your boss is an idiot, overt retaliation is not the answer. But dealing with an idiot on a daily basis is quite a challenge, so I realized what I need is a buffer. And since there is already an open position for Director of Application Development to whom I would report, and who would in turn report to Mulhausen, I decided to fill the position myself with a pretend interim Director. Fessler, the CIO, is on a business trip to Paris for the next 10 days so he won't interfere at least for that time frame. Since this position has been open for such a long time, it stands to reason that Fessler would assign an interim executive to handle the job until the s...
More About: Humor , Satire , Days

The Big Four
2007-12-06 00:27:00
The "Big Four" refers to the four largest international accountancy and professional services firms. Big companies like mine pay big money for these guys to do a lot of shit that doesn't really matter.   I met with two guys from one of the Big Four today to discuss SQL injection and other security fau paux. They've got a very large budget for a very large project to identify and rectify existing system security issues throughout the company. In reality, their job is to string this project out as long as it takes for the well to dry up, while insuring they've embedded themselves as the only subject matter experts for the next related big project. And once they've completed this project, we'll hire another couple of guys from a second Big Four company and pay them a large sum of money to audit the work of the first couple of guys from the first Big Four company.  All of this is a huge waste of time and money. The two subject matter experts I met with wer...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire

Holiday Spirit
2007-12-04 23:45:00
I don't have any.But Tefft has enough for everyone. She started putting up wreaths and table top trees with lights and balls, lots and lots of red and blue balls. Her theme this year is the Apocalypse. I'm not sure she understands what the Apocalypse actually is, just that it has something to do with Christ. Even so, the Bible Study group is very pleased with her choice because it at least implies our celebration will be all about Christmas instead of this all inclusive "Happy Holiday s" bullshit. It's not that they're intolerant of other beliefs, they just think everyone but Christians should be quiet about it. Gladstone and McKinney are again having two hour planning meetings each morning with Tefft, not only to plan decorations for our floor, but because Tefft is also on the Holiday Party Planning Committee this year and will need their help with that as well. As grueling as this effort is for my two peers, it will all be worth it in the end, given one of them will b...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire

Under Commit, Over Deliver
2007-12-04 03:37:00
We had a big financial planning meeting today to discuss capital expenditure requests for 2008. Attending were Finance , Accounting , and I.T.  Finance would tell I.T. what the business told Finance they needed for 2008, and I.T. would agree to do exactly half of what they requested. Finance always requested twice as much as they needed, knowing I.T. would only commit to half the request. I.T. knows this is their strategy, but since we could actually do twice what they originally requested, we were really only committing to a quarter of our capability. Always under commit so that you can over deliver...Gladstone decided it was time to play his game. In big meetings like this, he liked to go around the table and rank the women in the order in which he'd bang them. Here's how it went:(1) Blair, (2) Lucia, (3) Susan, (4) Celeste, (5) Tefft.Agree?----------------------------- --------------Sent from Gladstone's Blackberry wireless handheldI d...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire

Fire Drill Friday
2007-12-01 03:26:00
I was sent to HR again today for burning to death in the pretend fire during the pretend fire drill. I'm not a big fan of fire drills. They're for children. As adults, we all know what we'll do if there's a real fire no matter how many times we practice being calm and orderly: we're getting our asses out of the building any way we can. And you think we're going to stop to listen to the guys in red vests? They'll be trampled like grandma in a mosh pit. So when the fire alarm went off, I just stayed in my office. Tefft saw me in my office and started screaming as if the pretend fire was actually going to burn me to death. Then she must have remembered she doesn't like me and left running for the stairwell whistling a happy tune. In fact, I saw a lot of concerned looks that quickly melted into Let him burn looks.After the fire drill, I was summoned to HR to meet with Triplet. "If that had been a real fire, you would be dead now,"...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire , Fire , Friday

Budget Meeting Part V
2007-11-30 00:48:00
I'm out. Finally. Teri finally responded to my text messages. She came and got me out because of an urgent "production issue". The Budget meeting left such a horrible taste in my mouth, I don't think I can have sex with either Blair or Lucia for the next month. I wonder what Brandi's doing...?  
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Finance , Satire

Budget Meeting Part IV
2007-11-30 00:26:00
Okay, now I'm having thoughts of paranoia. It's like everyone in this room wants me dead.Strangely, I want everyone in this room dead as well. Please get me out of here... I sent three texts to Teri. Where the fuck is she?  ----------------------------------- ------Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld 
More About: Business , Humor , Finance , Satire , Accounting

Budget Meeting Part III
2007-11-30 00:08:00
I'm having thoughts of suicide again. Even though I've never actually had thoughts of suicide. Maybe I should text Megan, the Suicide Hotline Volunteer. Maybe she can text me through these thoughts I'm having. Or maybe someone could just walk in this room and shoot me now. Where's the Anonymous Death Threat person when you need him. Or her. Maybe because that person is in this room right now...  ----------------------------------- ------Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld 
More About: Business , Humor , Finance , Satire , Accounting

Budget Meeting Part II
2007-11-29 23:26:00
Blair, Kornfeld, Plotkin, Lucia, and Mulhausen all in the same conference room, preparing for the 2008 budget process.  We will initiate it now, work on it through February, then finally, after several rounds of "tweaks", get it approved by June '08. Spending for the 1st two quarters will be minimal. Kornfeld has a mole under his left eye. He should probably get that checked out. But he won't. Plotkin is probably wishing he had that mole under his left eye so that he could get it checked out so that it could be diagnosed as skin cancer so that he could get out of work for treatments. Blair looks hot but pissy; Lucia has that Filipino lesbian look going; Mulhausen is an idiot. I must get out of this meeting....------------------------------ -----------Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld 
More About: Business , Humor , Finance , Satire , Accounting

Budget Meeting Part I
2007-11-29 22:18:00
Someone, please, for the love of sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph, get me the fuck out of this meeting!!!------------------------------- ----------Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld 
More About: Business , Humor , Finance , Satire , Accounting

The Urinal Test Prevails!
2007-11-24 00:46:00
The Friday after Thanksgiving is always dead which is why I like to be here. It gives me plenty of time to do less than I usually do, which is already almost nothing.Conklin stopped by in the morning to brag about his new iPhone. I used to have a Treo 750, but got tired of people calling it a Blackberry, so I switched to a Blackberry Titanium Curve 8310 so that when people called it a Blackberry, it would actually be a Blackberry. His iPhone was impressive, so I asked if I could hold it. He proudly handed it over, after which I casually rubbed it all over my crotch, then handed it back to him and said, "Enjoy." Blair was not in today, nor was Wheels. Both Brandi and Melanie were in but have distanced themselves from me since the unintended failed attempted suicide. I think they both worry that I might attempt suicide again in their presence. If they are somehow connected to my demise, it would not bode well for their commit...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Test

Half-Days
2007-11-21 20:44:00
I love the half-day before Thanksgiving because Mulhausen always forces me to work a full day. The company issued an email at about 10:00 am this morning stating that today would officially be a half-day. The company always does this the day before every major holiday. There's no policy that states employees are entitled to a half day before every major holiday, but you can still count on it every time. Unfortunately for some, the email also includes the clause, "with your manager's approval". Mulhausen loves this clause because he loves to use it against me. I love that he loves this clause and loves to use it against me because it benefits me.  "Since you support Finance , you need to be here if they're here," he always says. "If they go home early, you can go home early." He says this because he knows that Finance will not go home early. However, I know Finance will go home early because Blair is Finance. &nb...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire

Potluck
2007-11-20 23:45:00
At Thanksgiving, Gladstone and McKinney are always never thankful. That's because Tefft is always in charge of organizing the Technology Thanksgiving potluck. For about two weeks before the event, she has a two hour planning meeting every morning starting at 8:00am. As Tefft's two key managers, Gladstone and McKinney get stuck with all the preparatory tasks for the festivity. This year, Gladstone was responsible for decorations. Tefft is very particular about the decorations. She likes to have a specific theme, and I'm not talking about Pilgrims and Indians. Last year the theme was Pesticides Cause Cancer, so they used the left over skull and cross bones from Halloween and painted them orange and brown. They had cut-outs of Indians killing Pilgrims because they were using pesticides on the vegetables. Also, to further make the point, there were no vegetables served last year except for instant mashed potatoes. Tefft offered a prayer expressing our thanks that we did not have canc...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire

Megan the Suicide Hotline Volunteer
2007-11-19 20:52:00
Blair has resumed talking to me now that she's resigned to the fact that I didn't commit suicide because I couldn't live with myself because she was angry with me for flirting with another woman. Actually, she was resigned to this last week when I didn't actually take the plunge, even though I never intended to take the plunge because it was all just a misunderstanding. Either way, she realized I could live with myself even though she was angry with me for flirting with another woman. She knew about me flirting with another woman, thanks to the intern who is an idiot. And even though Blair was resigned to all this last week, she continued to ignore me as punishment for not actually taking the plunge. If I had taken the plunge, she would have been sad that I was dead, but very pleased that I was that distraught over the fact that she was angry with me for flirting with another woman. Blair's twisted sense of relationship head games worked in my favor since it gave me time t...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Suicide , Volunteer

Clogged Pipes
2007-11-17 03:12:00
Triplet does not believe that someone is trying to kill me because she believes I am trying to kill myself. She does, however, think I'm paranoid. She does not believe Pangbourn is paranoid, who also believes someone is trying to kill him but has not received a single anonymous death threat. I have received an anonymous death threat, but Triplet believes I sent it to myself.  This morning I found a bottle of Drano on my desk. This, in my opinion, is another anonymous death threat. Instead of a written note, it's a visual message. And the message is, Watch what you eat and drink. He or she definitely plans to poison me. Or not. He or she may just be toying with me. Trying to make me go crazy with fear and paranoia about what I eat and drink. All the while plotting some other form of termination. I brought the bottle of Drano to Triplet. She said I was paranoid and asked if I had made my daily call to the Suicide Hotline. I said yes. In fact, I'm having dri...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire , Pipes , Paranoia

Bible Study
2007-11-15 23:42:00
Christian Bible study occurs every Thursday at noon in conference room 2812. Mulhausen hosts the hour and promotes it as a non-denominational, non-business sponsored event. Although everyone is welcome, Jews, Mormons, and Catholics are not allowed. Nor are any of the pagan religions allowed, which include Islam, Buddhism, and Hinduism. Members of the Christian Scientists and the Church of Christ can participate as long as they acknowledge the fact that they will be burning in hell for eternity in the hereafter unless they accept the real Christ as their Lord and Savior. And although this is a non-business sponsored event, if you do not participate, your performance rating will go down for not being a team player. If you are a member of one of the aforementioned religions that are not allowed to participate, your performance rating for team player will not go down, however, your overall performance rating will go down for being a member of one of the aforementioned religions. Since ...
More About: Business , Humor , Study , Bible Study

Mulhausen's Former Assistant
2007-11-15 03:17:00
Mulhausen can finally hire a new assistant, which means he no longer needs to use Dinton's assistant. He has been without an assistant of his own for over a year. His last assistant took a medical leave of absence for stress, which meant Mulhausen could not replace her. At first, he tried to use my assistant. Each month his former assistant submitted a doctor's note, and each month Mulhausen could not replace her. Each month he could not replace her, he used Teri to cover. The more Teri covered, the less I had coverage. The less I had coverage, the more I had to do myself.  Teri did not like doing work for Mulhausen because he made her do menial things like pick up his dry cleaning or wipe his ass after taking a crap. I told her that the only way to get out of doing things for him was to make him think he was crazy. And if she couldn't make him think he was crazy, at least she could make him think she was crazy. Either way, she'd get ...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire , Assistant

Suicide Hotline
2007-11-14 00:24:00
Because of my unintentional attempted suicide the other day, Triplet from HR has requested that I call the Suicide Hotline at least once a day, increasing the frequency as necessary, of course, depending on any suicidal urges that may arise during the day. I assured Triplet that Brenda from Toys had already counseled me on the subject. I told her that we had a very intense session just the other night and I feel much better now. She still wants me to call daily, otherwise the company will force me to take a leave of absence. They still do not believe that I was only on the roof because I got stuck up there and that it had nothing to do with being suicidal. So although I'm not really suicidal at work, the Company wants me to take time off and stay home all day with my wife which, even after a short time, would drive me to actual suicide. I told her I would make the call. Blair continues to avoid me. I think she believe...
More About: Humor , Satire , Suicidal

Maggie the Drunk
2007-11-12 23:40:00
Maggie is always drunk on the job because she's worried about getting fired. Maggie is a very talented network engineer who posseses all the necessary skills to perform above and beyond expectations, which is why she believes she will be fired. All the other network engineers lack talent and do not posses the skills necessary to perform even the basic network tasks. Naturally, they have all been promoted to senior network engineers. Because Maggie is afraid she will be fired for surpassing expectations, she drinks heavily during the day to fall below expectations so that she can also be promoted.     &n bsp; Today around noon, Maggie was found drunk and passed out under her desk. Maggie works for McKinney, but since McKinney is too busy working on his 3D pornography business plan to worry about his drunken employees, Tefft handled the situation. When Tefft woke Maggie up, the drunken network engineer screamed...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire , Maggie , Drunk

Stew Lady
2007-11-10 00:36:00
Stew lady brought in her stew today. What is Stew? I know it's something my grandmother used to make for me when I was a kid. It's like soup only chunkier, right? I know it means to fret or to worry or to hold a grudge... I know one can Stew in one's own juice. Although I'm not sure what one's own juice refers to exactly...  Regardless, Stew Lady brought in her stew today. Stew Lady works in Purchasing. She's about 45 years old, big boned, and wears reading glasses around her neck that hang from a gaudy over-jeweled necklace. Stew Lady loves her stew. Once a month she makes stew for the whole department with enough left over for another 20 or so people. There's always enough to go around because people take such little portions. They do this, I'm sure, so that everyone gets an opportunity to taste Stew Lady's wonderful brew. This month, Kessler decided it would be funny if he stole Stew Lady's stew. Stew Lady loves her stew. Stew Lady als...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire

Brenda from Toys
2007-11-09 01:04:00
Brenda from Toys stopped by today to offer depression counseling because of my unintentional attempted suicide yesterday. While this seems very charitable on the surface, especially since she has no formal training in depression counseling, I suspect Brenda is just the first to emerge who is actually turned on by my unintentional attempted suicide.She's a cute, Peter Pan looking woman; short blond hair with light blue tinted lenses in her glasses. I always thought she was a lesbian (not the Greek kind). But maybe not."What do you think drove you to the edge?" She asks. "No pun intended." "I had no intention of committing suicide," I say."Then you did it for the attention?" She asks. "Why do you think you're so starved for attention?"Ah, the window of opportunity..."Well... My wife doesn't..." I say and then leave her hanging just long enough until I blurt out: "...I can't talk about it...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire

Suicidal
2007-11-07 20:00:00
Everyone believes I'm suicidal. Mainly because I'm on the roof of our 32 floor building, standing on the edge looking down. I'm typing this with my BlackBerry, which probably looks to those below like I'm sending a final good-bye cruel world note to everyone. There's a fire truck and a couple of police cars below. And lots of people.I went into the stairwell to run up one floor, but forgot the doors lock once inside the stairwell. How stupid is that? I was on the 31st floor and didn't feel like walking all the way down to the 1st floor to get out. but nobody responded to my knocks. So I went up to the roof, but again, the door locked behind me.The view from above reminds me of a map in Half-Life which we play in the Test Lab. But in the game you can jump off the building and only lose 10% health. I doubt the ratio is the same in real life. I guess someone saw me looking over the edge and thought the worst, called the cops or something. They think I'm a jumper.I coul...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire , Office Romance , Suicidal

Frosty Frappuccino
2007-11-07 00:44:00
They started carting in bottled Frappuccinos as a result of the Star Buck's Cam. If we could improve productivity by reducing the time it takes to go down stairs and across the street to Star Bucks by showing employees the Star Bucks line on the company Intranet, think of how much time savings we would gain by bringing Star Bucks directly to the office? I've got to admit, having a cold Frapp within a few feet of my office is a lot more convenient than leaving the building. Imagine all the people I won't run into making my way outside of the building. But I like my Frapps frosty. So I'll grab a bottle and throw it into the freezer to get it nice and freezy cold. The problem is, someone keeps stealing it. I wonder if it's the same person who's trying to kill me? And I don't mean Blair. I mean the other one. Assuming they're not one and the same, that is... I told Teri her primary job was to now ensure all my Frapps were frosty by the time they got...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Frosty

The Intern is an Idiot
2007-11-06 02:25:00
Blair hates me again, which is why I hate the intern. Now let me clarify: I like female interns; I despise any other kind. This particular intern, the one I hate, happens to be a male intern. I don't know his name, nor do I want to know his name. If I knew his name, I would still call him "intern."  The simple fact is: interns are idiots. I was an intern once, and I was also an idiot once. That fact drudges up absolutely zero sympathy. But I hate this particular intern more than any other intern. I walked into his meager little cubicle, sat myself down on his desk and flashed him a forced smile.  "Tell me, intern..." I said. "Did you speak to Blair this morning?" "Blair?" he repeated. "Blair from Finance ." "Oh yeah. Why?" I forced another smile.  "Did my name happen to come up?" The intern thought about it, long and hard, then as if the microwave dinged, he lit up and nodded.   "Did she ask who had been up to see me today?" The intern nodded quicker th...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Corporate

Kessler and the Multi-Purpose Copier
2007-11-03 03:39:00
Kessler is a dick.He's the Exchange Manager, responsible for email services. And he and the weasels he calls his staff are assholes. Being around these guys is like being back in high school. They're that clique of kids who were complete dicks to everyone. Always pulling pranks, always trying to make you look stupid. For example, Norbury is a programmer in my group and an easy target. He's friendly, overweight, and a slow wit. The "floor leader" got a new bull horn for evacuation purposes, and Kessler knew Norbury would just have to try it if he saw it. So he put brown marker around the part you speak into. And as soon as Norbury saw it, he had to try it. He walked around with a brown circle around his mouth most of the day. He couldn't figure out why people were calling him a "kiss ass". For the past few weeks, every time I see Kessler or one of his cronies, they look at me, shake their head, and simply say: "You dog...&quo...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Multi

Kun is a Racial Slur
2007-11-01 23:57:00
Gladstone did not like it when I called the new Accounting Manager "Kun". He got very offended and told me to use the term, "African American". I would happily call Kun an African American, except for the fact that Kun is Korean. "He likes being called Kun," I said."Bullshit," Gladstone replied."I even asked him, what do you like to be called, and he said, "Kun". "Bullshit. Why are you being racist?" "I'm not racist. It's not my fault the new Accounting Manager is a Kun." Gladstone is one of my best friends, but even so, he felt the need to get HR involved. I love getting HR involved in matters like this, because they will not understand the situation either, but will still support me because I am not a Kun. We sat down with Triplet, the VP of HR.  "Coon is a racial slur, is it not?" Gladstone asked."It is," Triplet said."Then how can you let him get aw...
More About: Business , Humor , Satire , Racial

Halloween
2007-11-01 02:00:00
I love Halloween because women dress like sluts. It's the one day out of the year that every woman believes she is justified dressing like a slut. Some dress like sluts every day of the year, some dress like sluts occasionally, but others only dress like sluts on Halloween. Halloween is when the ratio of slutty-dressed women to non slutty-dressed women is at its highest. Most everyone dressed up for work today. I did not, because I believe wearing a costume for Halloween is for kids and women who want to dress like sluts. Men usually don't have an interest, unless they are going to a costume party to pick up on slutty-dressed women.  Women do not think they are dressed slutty. They refer to it as "sexy" not "slutty".  Blair dressed like a sexy pirate. Brandi dressed like a sexy nurse. Melanie dressed like a sexy bar maid. Lucia dressed like a sexy stewardess. Shannon dressed like a sexy vampire. Athena dressed like a sexy Lesbian vampire. Wheels dres...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire

No Greasy Fingernails
2007-10-31 01:28:00
Clean, soft, manicured and lotioned hands. All of them. Not a speck of grease or grime. Nor were any of them surprised to see me--alive and unharmed, that is... I'm not seeing anyone tonight. I'm going straight home. I should be okay, right? I mean, nobody kills on a Tuesday.  
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Paranoia

Greasy Fingernails
2007-10-30 22:24:00
Before lunch today, someone removed all but one lug nut on the rear tire of my car. Teri discovered this when she was checking my car for explosives.So it appears the anonymous death threat was not an idle threat after all. Even though the written threat was bush league at best and obviously the work of a hack. It certainly narrows the list of suspects. Can't be anyone in management, since presentation skills are a critical competency at this company for managers... I doubt a husband or a boyfriend could get to my desk with all the security in this building... Could it really be someone in my User Pool? Blair is the mostly likely suspect. Remember how pissed off she got when she thought I had sex with my wife? Imagine if she found out about someone else at work... But Blair would want to stare into my eyes and witness the light dissipate into nothingness as my soul left my body. More importantly, she'd make sure she was the last thing I saw in this life, making it clear ...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Paranoia

The CFO is an Alien
2007-10-30 02:09:00
Wheels won't eat Chinese food, which is why she believes Osaka is an alien.I adore Wheels because of her long sexy legs and her straight blond hair. I also adore Wheels because she's an Aquarius, which means she is perverse and unpredictable; unemotional and detached. But I adore Wheels the most because she is dumb as a door jam.Wheels won't eat Chinese food because she believes they use dog meat instead of chicken. She believes every Chinese restaurant prefers to scour the city daily for stray dogs, catch them, skin them, fry them up in a pan and feed their meat to customers rather than work out a cost effective distribution deal with a poultry supply company. And since she believes that, I figured she would also believe Osaka, our Chief Financial Officer, is an alien. Although Osaka is Japanese, Wheels believes he is Chinese, which is why I thought I could tie the dog meat conspiracy to an over-arching alien conspiracy.  Al...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Alien