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Pengilly's Haircut
2007-10-27 03:02:00
Pengilly picked the wrong day to get a haircut. Which is why Watcock is not the VP of Hardlines. Today was the reorg, as expected. But something unexpected also happened. Underhill was picked to be the new VP of Hardlines, but he quit today to go work for Nestle. Skeffington needed a quick replacement but couldn't find Pengilly, the EVP of Licensing, so he asked Osmund for a recommendation instead. Pengilly would have recommended Watcock because he is the most qualified person for the job. But since Pengilly wasn't there, Skeffington asked Osmund, and since Osmund hates Watcock because he?s not a woman, Osmund recommended Corning. Corning is least qualified, but since Corning is a woman, Osmund doesn't hate her and prefers putting a less qualified woman in the role than a more qualified man. By the time Pengilly got back from getting his haircut, the announcement had already gone out. Pengilly was not happy about it, although he was very pleased wi...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Corporate , Satire

Anonymous Death Threat
2007-10-26 01:47:00
I get the feeling someone doesn't like me. I found a note on my desk today after lunch which read: "I'm going to kill you."  Sure, my first inclination might be to assume this is someone's idea of a joke. But the pen strokes were literally scratched into the paper as if the person writing imagined the paper was my face. The writing style did not scream a playful tone, but rather just screamed in a very high pitch.  There are several reasons this note disturbs me. Not because someone wants to kill me, because I've expected this day to come for a long time now. But mainly because the writer has absolutely no sense of creativity. If you're going to take the time to write me a note revealing your intent to kill me, at least be somewhat creative by giving me a hint as to how, when, and/or why--and maybe even who. I mean, otherwise, just kill me. Why give me the heads up if you're not going to have a little fun with it? And the paper was ...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Satire , Death

Fernandez is not a Mexican
2007-10-24 03:55:00
Although Fernandez was born in Mexico, he is not a Mexican . And although his birth parents are both Mexican, he is not a Mexican. He speaks Spanish, likes Mexican food and music, and drinks tequila--but a Mexican, he is not. Fernandez is the Vice President of Special Projects. When an executive is put in charge of "Special Projects", it means he can't do anything, including getting other people to do what he can't do himself. He used to be VP of Infrastructure, but made too many bad decisions, which is why Possa, the new VP of Infrastructure, won't make any decisions. What Fernandez couldn't do, Possa won't do. What Fernandez failed completing, Possa won't even begin. As VP of Special Projects, he handles projects and tasks that nobody else wants to do but that must be worked on by someone. Like compliance and legal projects. But he has no staff so he has to convince other people to do his projects for him, which he c...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Corporate

Ice Cream and Casual Tuesday
2007-10-23 23:53:00
They served ice cream on each floor today. Which is why we're all screwed. When they declare a "Casual" day in the middle of the week and serve everyone ice cream, it can only mean something bad is going to happen. It means one of three things:LayoffsNo bonus/no merit increase this yearReorgThe business is doing fine, so the only reason for a layoff would be to increase the bonus pool for upper management. But this would take place in November, not October. And since the business is doing fine, the only reason for no bonus/no merit increase this year would be to increase the bonus pool for upper management. But again, the timing is not right.So that means we're having another reorg... We reorganize about every six months. This is because our CEO Skeffington gets bored with the current organization. When we reorg, everything changes. Accounting becomes a nightmare, and all the technology projects we implemented wi th the prior organi...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Ice Cream , Corporate

The Peter Principle
2007-10-22 20:07:00
Simply put, the Peter Principle  is: Anything that works will be used in progressively more challenging applications until it causes a disaster. From a business perspective, in a given organization, every employee tends to rise to his/her level of incompetence. Most of the executives in this company are working at their level of incompetence. Which may prompt the question: How do we continue to achieve growth and success at this company? The answer is: The company runs itself. Licensing revenue is based on royalties. As long as the brand is strong and the Licensees do their job competently, we require very little competence on our side. You've got to love a business like that... The upside for me is I still have plenty of room before I hit my head on the ceiling. The downside is I hit my head against the wall daily because I work with idiots.And my boss Mulhausen is king of the idiots. He might be a smarter man i...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Corporate , Satire

Team Lunch
2007-10-20 02:56:00
My monthly Team Lunch occurs once a week. The budget allows for one Team Lunch a month, which is why Mulhausen gets upset every time I submit an expense report. We have the same conversation:"You can't have four Team Lunches a month," Mulhausen barks."I didn't," I say. "There's only one Team Lunch on that expense report.""It only indicates one Team Lunch," he says. "But all four are with your entire team. That's a Team Lunch in my book.""No... The other three are Business Discussions.""What's the difference?""We don't talk about business when we have our Team Lunch." A Team Lunch is meant to be a team building experience, and team building is all about the team, not the job. If you talk about the job, it brings people down. If you talk about what everyone has planned for the weekend, it lifts people up. Team building is a very manipulative and deceitful ...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Corporate

Puppet Based Training
2007-10-19 01:22:00
I know nothing about Network Engineering, which is why Possa asked me to interview a candidate for the Manager of Network Engineering position. Since Possa does not possess an opinion of his own, he always needs someone else to make the decision for him. In this case, he asked me to be that decision maker. And the less I know about Network Engineering the better, so that I don't get too picky and take a long time deciding. I hate interviewing. I especially hate interviewing candidates I don't have a vested interest in hiring. As a result, the goal of the interview is to entertain myself a much as possible. This is where the Jason Cam actually comes in handy. Because not only can I entertain myself, I can entertain my staff. I start with a question that throws them every time:"Coke or Pepsi?"First there's stammering and a look of confusion. My expression remains stoic. The candidate asks me to repeat the question. I return a look of confusion, be...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Training , Corporate

Mulhausen Won't Eat Cinnamon Raisin Bagels
2007-10-18 07:28:00
Mulhausen won't eat cinnamon raisin bagels, which is how I get to have sex with Blair during the day. Mulhausen won't eat cinnamon raisin bagels because Pangbourn believes they are poisoned. While Mulhausen is not paranoid, he is gullible and insecure. And although Pangbourn is paranoid, he's not gullible or insecure. I like to eat cinnamon raisin bagels in front of both men, then clutch my stomach and walk away as if I've suddenly become sick. I then leave for the rest of the day so that both men believe I have died somewhere in the building. While I pretend to be dead somewhere in the building, I go over to Blair's place and have sex with her.Mulhausen will be happy that I'm dead, while Pangbourn will be scared he's next. Kornfeld will eat cinnamon raisin bagels, which is how Blair gets to have sex with me during the day. Kornfeld is allergic to raisins but does not know it. Only Blair and his assistant know this and selectively use it against him. ...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Raisin , Corporate

Lucia Loves Alan
2007-10-17 01:51:00
Lucia loves Alan . Which is why she won't do it doggy style with me. That goes for reverse cowboy too. However, she's fine with missionary, standard cowboy, lotus, T-square, and even the pile-driver. As long as I can't see the tattoo on her lower back which reads: "Lucia Loves Alan". Lucia loves Alan. Which is why she has sex with me. Alan apparently doesn't love sex like Lucia loves sex. But since Lucia loves sex and also loves Alan, she believes that having sex with me keeps their relationship strong. And since she believes sex with me is not cheating on Alan, there's no harm, no foul.Lucia loves Alan. Which is why she's going to have sex with me again tonight. Alan likes to go over to his buddy's place and play Xbox 360. Halo 3 recently came out and he can't seem to get enough. Since Lucia loves Alan, she wants to make him happy. Which is why I get to have sex with Lucia tonight in Alan's bed. Alan has commented on how coo...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Lucia

Athena is a Lesbian
2007-10-16 01:40:00
Athena is a lesbian, although she is only attracted to men.  I met Athena in the hallway on the 28th floor last week. She's very striking, with dark hair and dark eyes. I asked her what she did for the company and she told me she was a graphic artist. I immediately made up a reason to meet with her. I told her that I'm working on an application that involves media asset management, which will include all the proprietary graphics currently created and owned by the company. This actually is one of the technology projects currently slated for '08, it just doesn't happen to be mine. Regardless, I pretended it was mine and I asked if we could meet so that I could get her perspective on the project as an artist and future user.We met in 3402. She was a little worried because she had heard the conference room was haunted. I assured her it was only slightly haunted, and never on Mondays. Since Media Asset Management was not really my pro...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Corporate , Satire

Osmund is not a Sexist
2007-10-13 02:10:00
Osmund is not sexist against women, probably because she is a woman. She believes in equality across the board. Osmund is the Senior Vice President of Licensing and has told all the women on her management team that they are all equals with the men in this company. As such, none of them are allowed to get pregnant. If men don't get pregnant, they can't get pregnant. If men don't take 3 - 6 months of maternity leave, they can't take 3 - 6 months of maternity leave. If men don't nurse babies with their breasts, neither can the women in her department. Unfortunately, accidents do happen. Fortunately, accidents can be terminated. Osmund has taken a very strong stance on this issue. If anyone gets pregnant on her team, that person will be fired. And that goes for both men and women, just in case you were thinking it sounds a bit sexist. Now, on the surface this may also sound illegal. But since this requirement was a verbal communication rather than a&n...
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I Love Blair Again
2007-10-12 01:45:00
I love Blair again because she made me hate her again. See what I mean? Boredom makes her want to piss me off, which makes me hate her again; but the anger makes me want to have sex with her again, and the sex makes me want to love her again. The vicious cycle. By the way, one critical part of the vicious cycle is when I say I can only break the vicious cycle if I stop having sex with Blair. Which I vowed to stop doing as of yesterday. The next step is for me to completely disregard the stop having sex with Blair thing and have sex with Blair. Which I did last night, about 2 hours after I vowed not to have sex with Blair ever again.  The only way I get a breather from the vicious cycle is when I have sex with someone other than Blair. Kristy is always a good diversion from Blair because she is exactly the opposite of Blair. But Wheels is busy with her husband tonight. She has to go with him to one of his work parties. Melanie has a family thing she...
More About: Business , Humor , Relationships , Love , Corporate

I Hate Blair Again
2007-10-11 01:06:00
I hate Blair again because we had incredible sex last night. Since Blair was bored today, she decided to entertain herself by pissing me off. She pretended to be angry at me because I did not send her a good-morning email. But I only send her a good-morning email when I'm bored, which is not very often. I was not bored this morning, so I did not send her a good-morning email. So when she got angry at me for not sending a good-morning email, I knew she was only pretending to be angry because she was bored. I hate Blair every other day. I also love Blair every other day. I know why I hate her, but I do not know why I love her. She asks me why I love her but when I try to articulate it, she critisizes my answer and tells me that's not why I love her. This always makes me hate her. The more I try to love her, the more I end up hating her. The more I hate her, the more I want to have sex with her. Sex with Blair always seems to start out as angry...
More About: Humor , Relationships , Satire , Hate

Macho Nachos
2007-10-10 00:39:00
Conklin is a picky eater. He is not, however, a picky husband, since his wife is a slut. Everyone knows she is a slut but him. He suspects she is a slut, but cannot prove it and therefore gives her the benefit of the doubt. Today at Taco Bell, Conklin ordered Macho Nachos . Gladstone and Petrizzo were also with us. All four of us are married, but the only one who's faithful is Conklin. He is also the only one who is married to a slut. The unspoken rule is that none of us can talk about the fact that Conklin's wife is a slut. Only Conklin can call her a slut when he's pissed off at her. We cannot agree with his assessment because inevitably, he will be in love with her again the following day and will remember every nod we made when he called her a slut.Conklin can be a hot head. And not the kind of hot head you want focused on you. Conklin came back with his food, sat down, looked the order over, then said:"These aren't Macho Nach...
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