.a day in the life of a fool..a day in the life of a fool.Daily rants and epiphanies written by a 20-something lesbian Buddhist, from Los Angeles and making it in New York.
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le fabuleux destin de bonni brasco
2007-08-28 06:25:00 I've been enamored of Amelie Poulain ever since I first saw her movie. She's the cutest, oddest little creature who does the sorts of things I would like to do if I only lived in a fiction screenplay. I've tried to be like her many a time -- long before I'd heard of her and her sneaky ways -- but as reality would have it, you can't really adorably stalk someone giving them little gifts along the way without them (or their significant other) calling the police on you.No, Julia, that hasn't actually happened. Though I was close once.I'm kidding.No, really.No, seriously.Anyway. In homage to my on-screen hero, I've decided to compile a short list about me a la Amelie. I don't know why; I just thought of it as I realized how much I like counting my freckles.Bonn i aimes:Quoting Beatle filmsSending inconspicuous mini-gifts anonymouslyThe smell of grass, not long kissed by the rainPondering what certain friends/enemies/untouchables would do in dangerous situationsCleaning her finge... More About: Asco
magic fucking mountain
2007-08-27 03:58:00 It's like riding a rollercoaster. Your heart's beating fast, you're scared and unsure, mostly because you've been on many of them in your lifetime, and they left you with whiplash and stomach pain, but you heard this ride far surpassed the rest, so you get in line. "It's well worth the wait," he tells you. Ambivalent as you may be, you take a deep breath with anticipation and hold it in as you finally get in your seat. You tell yourself you're going to be safe; you even put the seatbelt on. You take it slow... you work your way up. "Well isn't this nice?" you ask yourself. You gaze at the scenery, noticing those poor lonely people down below. Inch by inch, inch by inch, slowly and steadily you climb up the track. Too late now, baby, there ain't no turning back. Now we're getting high, but you think it's OK. He's sitting next to you and he's promised to protect you. He's promised not to let go. There's no way to stop this train so you swallow your pride as you look down... More About: Magic , Fucking , Mountain , Mount
people suck
2007-07-19 16:39:00 That's actually pretty much all I have to say right now.I'm watching people re-pave our parking lot right outside of my ofice right now. It's quite fascinating. I'm also thinking about So&So and what he said to me this morning. I'm also dreading work -- which starts in 19 minutes. And I can't wait for tonight, when I get to take these dumb ass clothes off and throw a wife beater on and call it a day.Life is a garbage truck full of bullshit right now. I really can't wait to emerge from this I-hate-the-world mood I've been in over the past few days. More About: People , Suck
why brascos go to the bathroom with the door open
2007-06-27 01:14:00 ...or Say Hello To My Boobs.I haven't been blogging lately, and I'm not entirely sure why.In the midst of my 10 minute pause after writing that sentence, I came up with a cuppla reasons for my absence:1) My job sucks the very soul out of my body, and after a day in the office, I'm too tired to lift my fingers and surrender to the keyboard,2) My job doesn't really make me that tired, rather it drains me of any and all creativity and I end up feeling too suffocated to sit at the computer and type something substantial,3) The longer I wait to post the more I have to talk about, and I'm afraid of what this blog will look like once I ramble on for 3,000 words about everything I've been experiencing, and4) Actually there isn't a number 4, but I have this thing about making everything even.A quick update on the things/people I've been experiencing and the ideas/revelations I've had, and afterwards I hope to continue to post regularly. But don't hold your breath. Not that all 3 of... More About: Bathroom , Open , Door , The D , Asco
i'm wearing jumpers
2007-06-03 22:05:00 There's so much I've been wanting to write down, but I've been too busy getting a promotion, taking road trips, seeing awesome bands perform, reuniting with high school friends, witnessing my brother feel up an 80 year old man, watching French films and planning my surgery. Thus I apologize to all of you (all six of you) for my absence. I've been putting together another video of my recent pictures (and it really doesn't suck as much as the last one. I promise), and I will get it up soon.In the meantime, Happy June! More About: Jump , Wear
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (oh shut up. like you've never quoted bowie before)
2007-05-19 06:43:00 I want a change. I don't know what kind of change I want yet, but I know I want it. I guess it's quite appropriate, then, that I'm 1) meeting with my boss to negotiate my promotion on Monday, 2) starting the weight loss contest at work for a chance to win $1,000 (by the way... SO winning), and 3) bringing to the surface a lot of deep concerns I've been having in the Buddhist community which are sure to be discussed and blown up on Sunday.I want a change for my blog, though. This layout looks a little too... I dunno... grey and superficial, what with the girl in the top right hand corner who's about half my size. I'd like to put the music back on the page, and I'd like to go with my original idea for a layout, if I can ever figure out 1) how, and 2) where I'm gonna get the time to write all this html bullshit.Anyway. Happy weekend to you all. I, for one, couldn't be happier that it's here. I have sleeping to do. More About: Never , Changes , Like , Shut , Fore
just call me mrs. winterbottom
2007-05-16 05:49:00 I'm legally changing my last name in about a week, or however long it takes to choose a new identity. I'm torn between my mom's family name and my affectionately coined FBI undercover agent working for the mafia alias.You may think I'm joking, but I'm as serious as Michael Jackson's skin condition.Why, you ask, would I do such a thing? Well, for those of you who don't remember the Hitleresque sociopathic salad tosser I once worked for, let me quickly give you the skinny.At the beginning of summer last year, I took a job in England. I'd written a few blog entries leading up to the big move, but didn't do much writing while in the old country because I'd been too busy trying to run for my life. The couple I went to work for was very wealthy. The man was Owner and CEO of his own company and the woman mooched. I took the position as their personal assistant. Thinking this would be the opportunity of a lifetime, I skipped over to England with a song in my heart and a gle... More About: Call , Bottom
lady picture show
2007-05-05 19:05:00 Lately blogging has seemed more of a chore to me than a pastime. I keep wanting to write, but when I get home from work, or from other activities, I'm just too worn out. So because I'm so lazy, I've decided to update you in song.At the beginning of this year I'd resolved to take one picture a day. They're not necessarily good. At all. But they tell you where I've been. I might do these more often, I'm not sure.Happy weekend, y'all. More About: Show , Picture , Lady
don't you know, you fool...
2007-04-29 07:41:00 io ti chiedo ancorail tuo corpo ancorale tue braccia ancoradi abbracciarmi ancoradi amarmi ancoradi pigliarmi ancorafarmi morire ancoraperché ti amo ancoraI had been trying to decide whether or not I should let myself love you, then my heart laughed knowingly at me and said, "you never had a choice." More About: Fool , Know
somewhere between life and death
2007-04-19 06:06:00 I'm alive. Barely alive, but alive nonetheless. Just thought I'd let y'all know. I'm hanging on by a thread here, with this month being the craziest month this year. My schedule is out of control. I have SGI meetings in West L.A. four times a week, mostly planning meetings for future events, and a ridiculous workload, a new division to start up and promote, correspondence to write, laundry to wash/iron/fold, hair to denapify (I just made that word up, thank you), writing to do (and I'm soooo neglecting it -- I'm nearing the end of my fourth literotic short story), exercising, getting to know the person of my dreams and the rest of it, so sleep just don't come easy.Oh. That last part? Well, you're just gonna have to wait for that, aren't ya.I've been angrier than I've been in a long time lately, and I'll have to wait till another time to elaborate on that as well, but today I just got some extremely sad news. Luciano Pavarotti (in case you fell off the face of the... More About: Life , Death , Between , Here , Life and Death
from behind that locked door
2007-04-10 05:50:00 Closing my eyes to feel the pedal steel in I Live For You, almost breathing an extra breath... almost neck deep in the clouds... almost the closest I always am to sheer euphoria... with sensual smiles and pure and divine interrelation... a conversation among the gods I've eavesdropped into... a call to the depths of my heart. There is no item on this earth more valuable to me than his song.My eternal obsession and continuous attempt to describe my relationship with George Harrison's melody far supercedes my original intent: to update you on my life. I listen to All Things Must Pass at least three times a week and each time I do I discover a new chord. Not just in his instrument; a chord he strikes with my soul. There is something so simply profound in everything I hear. All of his songs, but this album the most, is by far the most spiritually uplifting music I own. I want to write a million words but none of them will do justice to the way I feel when I listen. It is as close as I... More About: Locked , That , Behind , Door , Lock
love is a mix tape
2007-04-04 06:28:00 And ain't it the truth?I'm home sick from work today. Well, I'm just home right now... it's about 9:30 at night. I woke up this morning and could barely see my eyes were so swollen. Could barely hear, my ears were ringing so loud. Could barely swallow, my throat was so tight. I still have a fever and a sore throat but I'm hoping to be well enough for work tomorrow. For one, because I want them to know that I'm no flake -- after working there for 4 months now I was hoping not to miss a single day, but I caught a bug last month and now I have another infection. My job is getting increasingly challenging, but it's OK. It's still something that interests me, and I'm dedicated to it for the next couple years. Ya know, until I make all my money from the stock market.Laugh all you want, but after taking this class, and practicing my technique with the paper money account Investools gives you, I know more about analyzing stock than 95% of all brokers do. Consider me a millionaire i... More About: Love
ouuuuuuuuuuuch
2007-04-02 13:29:00 I'm sitting here at 4:30 in the morning, unable to get back to sleep. No, I'm not that lovestruck... I'm in a ridiculous amount of pain. I have no idea what's going on and I've only felt this pain once before. Didn't know what it was then either. It's in my stomach and it makes it hard to move... and to breathe. It's not a feminine pain, if you will, nor is it an I have to use the restroom pain. Actually it feels exactly like menstrual cramps mixed with a little bit of I did too many sit-ups yesterday, but 1) that time of the month has already passed and 2) I didn't do any sit-ups.I was going to copy and paste a livejournal entry but the pain has gotten so bad I need to lie down. Not that that's going to help at all.Ugggggghhhhh.
on the wings of love (because i like corny)
2007-03-26 02:40:00 The wall-flowers to the frolic windDo dance their golden aigulets,And elf-maids steal the hawthorn beadsTo wear for fairy amulets.The spring is here, the spring is here --The love-time of the year, my dear.Lately I have been fighting with time. I have so many ideas... of painting smiles and whispering inspirations and carving words into stones of gratitude. Ideas of entertaining cinematic romance and floating on ambiguity and being invisible and understanding prosperity and acting in a play about restless desire for indestructable bliss. I've been lost in dreams starring old friends who sit and play with my heart strings from afar. Dreams of animated and colorful fish bathing in a tub of nostalgia then leaving me behind. Dreams when I awake that inspire the thought process of the rest of the day.I have been experiencing life in a new fashion, and at the same time, remembering the art of being busy. I've been sitting atop this wave for a few months now. This wave that I'm s... More About: Love , Wing , Because , Cause , Wings
now it's morning but last night's on my mind...
2007-03-13 02:42:00 Meet The Booty Call. The Booty Call and I have been friends with benefits for... er... 8 years. It's always been casual. It's always been simple and convenient. And the sex was always really good. It was never spectacular, as I quite prefer dyke sex, but was (is) good. And when I get the rare craving for hetero sex, he's always there.I wish I could show y'all a picture, but it's too possible for him to find this blog and have a stroke reading about himself. Anyway, most of you reading this know him as well as I do (or almost as well... ahem).Two years ago The Booty Call started falling in love with me. The feeling was never mutual. I shouldn't say never; there were three times that I can count where I honestly thought I was falling for him. But each time, I'd wait 24 hours and the feeling would subside. Which sucks for both of us, and it makes me an asshole, but I honestly thought I felt something until I realized I either a) just wanted to be loved, b) just wanted sex, or c)... More About: Night , Last , Mind , Morning , On My Mind
i'd like to hold her... head under water
2007-03-10 03:22:00 So why haven't I blogged within the last few days? Glad you asked.At the beginning of the week, not only did the Evil Coworker give me ridiculous "work" to do, but I was given a bunch of other projects to work on. I get to work on Tuesday and this is what my office looks like:I simply could not work on all of it with all my other daily duties, phone calls, emails, etc. getting in the way during normal business hours, and I refuse to work overtime at night while Evil Coworker is still there, so I decided to get to work at 5:00am every day, from Wednesday till today. That's three extra hours a day of work. I kindly asked The Boss on Tuesday if I could get some overtime in, seeing as I'm being pulled in all kinds of directions lately and can only work on those projects when I'm alone, so he OK'd it. Now? My desk looks like this:Insert spectacular sigh of relief here.Because I have been so swamped, and because I DO spend quite some time online during the day, I was beginning to thi... More About: Water , Head , Like , Hold , Under
it's march
2007-03-06 04:07:00 I know I said I'd blog about this weekend, and I reeeeally want to, because SO much happened. From boobs falling out of shirts to seeing old friends to getting a new look to doing major shakabuku, it was by far the most entertaining weekend this year. But as I sat here over the last 30 minutes typing each and every incident, I got exhausted with the idea of recounting it all. And right now all I want to do is rant about my asshole coworker. So maybe sometime this week I'll get the pictures up and start talking about the weekend. For now...It is getting increasingly difficult to put up with one of my coworkers. When I first started, she was the one person I thought I'd get along with most. She always had a smile on her face, and was always helping everyone out in every way possible. Only a few days passed and I realized she was one of those people who were "too nice". Alarm... alarm... alarm... right? Right.As many know, I can't stand codependency. I try and exercise compassion w... More About: March , Marc
attention: readers
2007-03-04 18:53:00 I'm going to blog like I've never blogged before when I get home tonight, but until then, I wanted to remind you all that I have music on my page. I'll be changing songs sporadically. Right now, it's Nukuhehe by Te Vaka. I'm in love with this song. I dare you to listen to the whole thing and tell me it didn't make you want to shake your bonbon.Fuck, did I just quote Ricky Martin?Anyway, my laptop is beyond ruined, so I have to click the play button in order to hear it. Could you kind readers do me a favor and tell me if you have to do the same? Or does it play automatically when you visit my page?Fa'afetai tele lava, and I'll see you tonight. More About: Readers , Reader , Read , Attention , Tent
non si sa quando viene o se ne va
2007-03-02 06:51:00 Sometimes I wonder if I have a big fucking stamp on my forehead that says, "Married Men: THIS WAY!" Seriously? This is ridiculous.The DHL guy who comes into my office everyday flirts with me all the time. He's not cute. At all. No, I mean, at all. I wouldn't even hit it if I were home alone, on ecstasy, having just watched an episode of The L Word and listening to Andrea Bocelli. He's nice, though. I like talking to him. But... yeah, no. So the past week or so I've been avoiding him around 4 o'clock cuz I don't feel like entertaining his lame excuses for pick-up lines. Yesterday, my co-worker says, "oh, you have nothing to worry about. He just got married a few months ago.""Oh!," I thought, "maybe he's just trying to be charming but isn't really trying to pick me up."Today he comes in and asks me how my apartment search is going, and I tell him. He says he just found a new 2 bedroom in the area, so I need to move in, because if I don't he'll be lonely.Uhhhhh.....
but we're still on the payroll
2007-02-27 05:46:00 My very first day of my new job, I was so excited and so determined to make a good impression that I did everything I could to prepare. I wore the perfect suit, I did my hair and make-up, I chanted for an hour, and I left the house at 5:30am when I didn't have to be there until 8:00am. I was still taking the bus, so I wanted to give myself more than enough time to figure out the new route, and leave room for getting lost. I got on the first bus with no problem, and sat and waited at the second stop.Those who know me very well know that I've been sexually abused more times than I care to count. I was raped twice, and almost a third time, and I never understood the reason for this recurring theme in my life. I never understood why I was such a target for people who wanted to take advantage of me. I knew I was very sexual, and still am, but I was never a total slut (shut up, Julia), and I didn't wear clothes that begged to be ripped off.I'm a "fortune baby" which means I was born i... More About: Roll , Stil , Still , Payroll
do you know how hard i have to work to put pussy on the table?!
2007-02-26 07:09:00 Margaret Cho is a fucking god. That was the most hilarious thing I've heard all year.Anyway.I hate going too long without writing, because I end up having too much to say. I'll try to make it short, but we all know that ain't gonna happen. So...Last Wednesday I got my brand new car. I. love. it. It's far more than what I was expecting to get. I went to four dealers, test drove somewhere around 15 cars, went through financing bullshit, etc, but I finally bought it. Then Friday at work I got a call from the dealer. He told me they re-financed my car because of the amount I put down on the car (I wasn't going to put any money down originally), and not only did they lower the price of the car, they lowered my interest rate by 8%!!!!!!! AND I'm only doing a four year contract. My payments now are an entire $100 lower. Things just keep getting better.Friday night I thought about Kir for some odd reason (btw, I'm now editing names in here to avoid google results when all of you vani... More About: Work , Hard , Tabl , Have , Know
don't you cry no more
2007-02-21 04:20:00 I'm baaaaaaaaaack.I mean it this time. No, really. No, seriously. No, c'mon. Seriously.After visiting my friend Greg's website, I've been inspired to get to blogging again. My life has completely done a 180 since my last few entries in here. I almost don't even want to look at the entries before that, they were so dark and depressing. I almost don't remember that person.I know. It was only a matter of months ago, but an entire lifetime of epiphanies, discoveries and changes have happened since I was in that funk.I'll try and make it as short as possible. Basically, I decided to chant myself out of that funk. In Nichiren Buddhism, the three most important aspects of it are faith, practice and study. We'll I'd been saying I had faith and I'd been practicing, but I wasn't studying. I was arrogant enough to think I didn't need to because I've been brought up in Buddhism (by my mom. The rest of the family is Catholic.) So I decided to start studying and then one by one these... More About: More
but you don't know who i am
2006-12-14 22:16:00 Klein Sexual Orientation GridI scored an average of 4.19width="264">01 2 3 4 5 6 HeterosexualBisexualHomosexual MeaningThis result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:0 = exclusively heterosexual1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual2 = predominantly heterosexual, but morethan incidentally homosexual3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentallyheterosexual5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual6 = exclusively homosexualSummaryThe idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.Take the quizWell, there you have it. More About: Know
and put all your dreams away
2006-12-13 05:33:00 Today would've been Frank Sinatra's 91st birthday. I was psyched that I had the past two days off, because not only have I gotten a lot of Christmas decorating done, but I got to watch Frank's movies all day.Or almost all day.The marathon ended and I put it High Society, then Tim called me to wish me a Happy Frank Sinatra's Birthday. Totally made my day.Ok, time out. The weirdest looking airplane I have ever seen in my life just flew by my house. If this was a trailer park and I was in Kansas, I'd swear that thing was a UFO. WTF.Anyway, I just felt really good that someone who isn't the BIGGEST Sinatra fan thought about me when they found out it was his birthday and called. I really need to hang out with Tim sometime soon. It's been so long, I'm almost starting to forget what he looks like.Then I get online to check email (and to blog, apparently), and find a reply to my LJ post from Julia, wishing me a Happy December 12th.You guys are awesome.Today is the last day of my die... More About: Dreams , Your , Dream , Away
a change'll do you good
2006-12-12 00:46:00 Soooooooo, after months of avoiding change, sporadic temper tantrums, epiphanies, nervous breakdowns and the like, I'm back.Whether that's good news or not is up to you.I was in this ginormous funk for a while. Sick of transition, but in dire need of it, and mad at the world for everything I was responsible for, I did exactly what I was trying to avoid for as long as I can remember: I pulled a Rodney. I hid. I avoided living. I convinced myself my life was an embarrassment, and sunk into deep depression. Functional depression, but depression nonetheless.I can't really say I've completely emerged from that funk. I'm still changing (not that that's ever going to stop happening), I'm still figuring out who I am now that I lost all contact with the person I used to be, and I'm still dealing with a shitload of guilt, regret and insecurity. I'm still embarrassed. I'm still emotionally unstable. I still get pissed off for small reasons and curse my friends out in my head (sorry, ... More About: Change , Good , Chang , Chan
dance floor jam packed, hot as a tea kettle
2006-12-02 15:35:01 Yesterday was so hot I didn't leave the apartment at all until 7, when I had to meet Ron & Melissa for dinner. It was great. We went to The Garage in the West Village, and had incredible food. Many thanks to Ron for being such a sweetie.Then Melissa & I went to Girls Night Out at Webster Hall to dance [literally] all night. I feel like a grandmother today; my hips, my legs and my feet are sore and stiff. You should see me try to walk up these stairs. Anyway, there were four stories of dance floors there, each playing a different type of music. We started out downstairs and worked our way up. The music was fantastic, especially the Shakira selections, but the highlight of the night for me, music wise, was seeing an entire room of east coasters rap along to "CPT, LBC, yeah we hookin' back up, and when they bang this in the club, baby, you got to get up!"But... ok, see... I don't mind dancing with guys. Particulary Italian and Persian men because they smell good. Most of the guys ar... More About: Dance , Pack , Floor
we can live beside the ocean, leave the fire behind
2006-12-02 15:35:01 ...well, it isn't exactly the ocean, but it's as close as I'm gonna get to home.I didn't go to sleep at all the night before last. I was up until about 4, doing pointless stuff, and being a little tired, but not ready to go to sleep when Daicia called me and we ended up talking for an hour. By that time, it was useless trying to go to sleep when I had to wake up again at 7. Why seven? Cuz it takes me two hours to straighten my hair, on top of eating, showering, and emailing, and Lexy (for some ODD reason) wanted to meet up at 10:00am. So I decided to stay up all night.Then I realized we're literally 4 blocks away from the Hudson River, so I got my discman, my camera, my purse, and my book (ugh, if only I could travel light), walked over to the river at 5 and stayed till the sun rose. It's funny... I really miss home sometimes, but I just need to be near the water. Totally my mother's daughter. I need to watch sunrises and sunsets. I love the world most when most of it is slee... More About: Leave , Ocean , Live , Fire , Side
only I can hear me, I'm stuck inside a cloud
2006-12-02 15:35:01 And again. I'm not sure just how many of my entries will include my undying love for George Harrison, but don't count on them stopping now. I'm listening to Brainwashed, and I'm getting seriously frustrated that I can't think of any other word to describe what I'm hearing except... wow.I don't want to do anything tonight because my uterus hates me. Actually, the general pelvic area, including a few parts of the back, are just not cooperating with my desire to go and watch a really bad movie. Jules and I watched Eddie Izzard for the millionth time today, and the laughing hurt too much.Now Jules is out, having dinner with an old friend. Kathrin's in the living room. I'd rather not hang out right now. Sweet as she is, I just can't talk to anyone when my stomach is gonna explode. So I'll write another blog entry.This weather is bad. So bad I actually had an entire conversation today about the fact that my body probably is sweating, it's just so hot the sweat evaporates befor... More About: Hear , Inside , Only , Side , Loud
sometimes I go a little crazy just like you I do
More articles from this author:2006-12-02 15:35:01 I got this email from my mom with the subject, "Fwd: I'm loving this!!!!!!!!"Almost immediately, I deleted it. I hate forwards. And I'm too nice sometimes to write the whole of my AOL address book and say, "ENOUGH ALREADY!" That, plus every now and then I'll get a forward from a friend or two that normally don't send forwards, so I figure they must be good... and most of those times, they are. Anyway! I then remembered that my mom is one of those people. She gets tons of forwards a day, but very rarely sends 'em my way. So I decided to undelete, and read it. There was a link to Matt's Homepage in it.Matt is funny. I like Matt. Matt really, really can't dance. Maybe that's why I like him. Matt's also a bit crazy. But Matt likes to travel, and the few clips in his video (that I really recommend you all see for whatever you might take from it) reminded me of how much I love traveling too. Matt also has a blog, that I've added to my list of links, 'cuz Matt seems interesting.... More About: Time , Just , Crazy , Times , Little 1, 2 |
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