Lessons from a Recovering Doormat

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More on Expressing What You Want
2007-10-25 22:32:00
I seemed to strike a nerve with my post on Tuesday about separating your thoughts from what you think others want, or what you?ve been in the habit of agreeing to. DoorMats are especially vulnerable to being acquiescent in a subservient way. ?Whatever you want? is always on the tips of compulsive People Pleasers? tongues. I wanted to eat where others wanted and see t films they chose.Men do it too! In my How to Please a Woman In & Out of Bed book, I advise that when on a date, don?t tell a woman dating ?I?ll go to or do whatever you want.? Even DoorMats get turned off by other DoorMats! When I?d date someone who wouldn?t tell me what he liked, always deferring to whatever I wanted, I had to end it. It made him seem too insecure. There I was?Ms. Insecurity dumping a guy who smelled of insecurity! How funny is that?!?A person who makes his or her own decisions is attractive. At work it reflects confidence and makes you seem smart. Both sexes like this quality in a romantic partner. I?...

Pamper, Please
2007-10-24 21:51:00
Self-empowerment is a body, mind and spirit mission?a total and comprehensive effort to take control of all aspects of your life that influence your decisions and your happiness. I consider taking control of your body a very important endeavor! When you feel good on the inside, it helps you feel good in other areas and to make better decisions. Consciously cultivating good health is a lovely act of self-love. When you have an injury or illness, it?s harder to be happy. I?m delighted that my guest today is Julie Silver, MD, author of Super Healing (Rodale, 2007), which offers a step-by-step plan for physical recovery from any illness and injury. Dr. Silver, an assistant professor at Harvard Medical School, is a renowned expert in physical medicine and rehabilitation and on the medical staff at Bingham and Women?s, Massachusetts General, and Spaulding Rehabilitation Hospitals in Boston, Massachusetts. She?s also an award- winning writer and the author/editor of more than a dozen books...

Interview with Daylle
2007-10-23 18:51:00
Today Kerri Fivecoat-Campbell posted an interview with me on her blog, K.C.'s Write For You. This blog is about the freelance writing life life, which I'm part of. If you'd like to know a little more about me in relation to my career, check it out! http://kcwrithttp://www.blogger.com/img/g l.link.gife4u.blogspot.com/2007/10/straig ht-talk.html
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What Do You Really Want?
2007-10-23 18:48:00
I was just talking to a music producer who said that when a new client comes in, the first thing he asks is ?What exactly do you want?? Musicians are often surprised that he asks, and even more surprise when they can?t quite articulate an answer. It?s so easy to lose your own opinion and needs when you?re used to someone guiding you in certain situations.I?m a pretty outspoken chick these days but realized I do it too. That?s why I call myself a recovering Doormat instead of a recovered one. We all want to be liked and to please those we care about. And it?s fine to do things to please them. But you need to become more aware of not letting it become a habit that sells your needs short. I have to stay conscious of not automatically deferring to someone else. Just like I have to be conscious of what I eat, I must be careful about not letting others influence my decisions in ways I?ll later regret.Without being aware, you can get into a habit of not thinking for yourself.It can start i...

Scary Bachelor Used Kisses
2007-10-23 05:08:00
I just caught the end of The Bachelor . Had to. It?s comedy on the one hand. But it sends a very sad message on the other. They all hoped to kiss this bigger than life man. Each woman lunged for his mouth when the opportunity was there, not caring who might have been there not long before her. Yuck! I'm glad it's on at 10 so there are less young girls watching and getting a sorry message. Talk about stomping on your empowerment! Thinking of him as a husband after knowing him for just a short time. Praying for his attention. Jealous of so many other women who vie for and get his attention. The stereotypes it reinforces is shameful. Women need to own themselves first! And then there was the blond who didn?t get picked. Crying about how she hoped they?d get married! Lady, you barely know him! She actually, through tears, said many things like:?I?m going home empty-handed.? You have yourself honey! Stop looking to find the man who?s a prize like something in a box of Cracker Jacks! Eve...
More About: Scary , Kisses , Chelo

Shake Your Head & Then Get Your Butt Movin?
2007-10-19 20:40:00
In my last post, Chris Melton talked about how your must walk the walk of your dreams by taking action. It?s easy to dream and hard to enact them. Are you one of those dreamers? I had many back when I lived in DoorMatville but they existed only in my head. I?d smile at the thoughts, then feel down when I couldn?t get myself to act. It made me feel powerless.Ashleigh Brilliant said, "Good ideas are common?what's uncommon are people who'll work hard enough to bring them about." We all get good ideas. But only some of us do the work. The more work you do, the more empowered you feel. Chris Melton?s friend designed The Rotator to help his own injured shoulder. It helped with his healing and they decided to manufacture them for sale so that many people could be helped by it. It was a great dream. But Chris helped make it a reality. His passion and belief in the product spurred him on. Slowly, people are finding out how well it works and orders and publicity are coming it. He didn?t pra...
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Use Your Passion To Reach Your Potential
2007-10-19 03:14:00
This week Chris Melton is my guest blogger. He?s an entrepreneur who markets The Rotator, a devise that rotates the shoulder to increase its range of motion. He?s also the author of www.soupornuts.com, a blog dedicated to inspiration and motivation.Use Your Passi on To Reach Your PotentialEverybody says that they want to get ahead, take it to the next level or become successful. But what do they do about it? We have become a society of waiters, hopers, dreamers, slackers and wanters. We wait for our ship to come in. We hope to hit the lottery. We want to get a promotion. We want to change to a more rewarding career.We want everything, we just don?t want to exert any effortWe just don?t want to have to do anything. We have drifted a long way from the attitudes of our forefathers who hacked a civilization out of the North American wilderness. But they didn?t have very much choice in the matter. They didn?t have the luxury of a Starbucks on every corner, a Walmart right down the st...
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Double Standard Alert: Half Naked Guys Fine! Bikini Topped Girls Banned
2007-10-17 22:01:00
I?m getting very tired of seeing double standards against females sanctioned. Guys are still the princes of society in many circles and get away with so much more! Females are held to much higher standards in many situations. This was illustrated in Bradenton, FL on Friday night when Jessyca Altenbach and Monica Cummings, seniors at Manatee High School decided to show their school spirit at a home football game in the same way that boys do. BUT, unlike the boys, they were forced to leave the stadium. Their crime: wearing shorts and bikini tops and painting their bodies the school colors.It?s okay for guys to come to games completely shirtless, with painted chests, their pants hanging down and their boxers or butts hanging out. That what guys do. Jessyca and Monica weren?t as exposed. They had on bikini tops. Their vitals were covered. No nipples or butt cracks showing, something not uncommon with guys. But Margi Nanney, the spokesperson for the Manatee County School district said th...
More About: Girls , Bikini , Double , Standard

Down with The Bachelor--You Can?t Win Love on TV!
2007-10-17 02:04:00
Last night I flipped on The Bachelor for a peek and was horrified. This show is so degrading to women!! Considering how we're supposed to be getting more empowered, this show is going backwards! I know much of it is probably scripted. But still. How can all those attractive, fit women vie for what they treat as a PRIZE??! Yet there they are, strutting their stuff and doing whatever they can to compete for the heart of one man. Meanwhile young women are getting the image of gorgeous women being pathetic in the pursuit of a man.What an awful message it sends to single women!It?s bad enough to see these women getting all-emotional about getting a rose each week. Begging, pleading, praying for one. Like true love will evaporate without one. Don?t any of these women have a life? Or self-respect? Last night they were crawling around on the floor, begging for a rose. Putting on a show for this man whose ego must be blown up beyond belief. Degrading themselves to impress this one man into ...
More About: Love , Chelo

7 Random Things You May Not Know About Me
2007-10-16 00:17:00
I?ve been tagged by Lorraine Cohen at Powerfull Living to participate in the meme asking to share 7 random things about myself and then tag other blogs. Hmmmm?. Here goes!1. When I went to Alaska last summer, I had a few days at a wilderness lodge. I had to fly in a teeny plane. The thought of it scared me. I almost didn?t go. But I had to, since I didn?t know when I?d be in Alaska again. It was an exhilarating experience, one I?ll never forget. And I had 3 of the best days of my life in the Alaskan wilderness.2. I was the first white female rapper. I was teaching school in Hollis Queens and my students dared me to make a rap record. There were only a few female rappers and no white ones. I didn?t want the kids believing that stereotypes could stop them so I learned to rap and made 2 rap records.3. I was raised in the Bronx and developed a Bronx accent. After my first year of college I went to California with a friend. Everyone asked if we were from the Bronx. I became determined to...
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Desiderata Project
2007-10-14 00:20:00
Bob at the every every minute blog came up with an interesting project this month. Throughout the month of October, he has guest posts from a variety of bloggers offering his or her personal interpretations and reflections of a few lines of Desiderata , a poem by Max Ehrmann. Desiderata means desired things. This poem has been published in many places is has bee subject to many interpretations. Bob posted the schedule for each post on his Desiderata page. He linked each blogger there. I'm honored to be one of them. Check out the different posts for some great enlightenment!
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Reach for the Sky
2007-10-12 04:59:00
I?ve been laughed at since leaving DoorMatville. People can?t believe some of my ambitions or the dreams that I say I intend to make real. They couldn?t imagine how I might think about getting the things I went after. Yet I got some of them! I used to feel limited in what I could hope to do. Now, the sky?s the limit! Many folks stick their feet tightly in the rut life puts them in. They peek out and don?t seek out much more than they have, assuming it?s too late or too much. It can be easier to look straight ahead instead of looking up and up and up. So when an oddball like me talks really big, folks laugh. Maybe it?s nervousness?it might rub off on them and they can?t handle it. Or maybe they really think I?m nuts. I couldn?t care less. I?m the one flying high while they hover just above the ground.In 1996 I decided I was ready to get published and announced to anyone who?d listen that I intended to have 3 book deals in one year. I heard many snickers and was told that was impossib...
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Debunking the Wish Fairy Myth!
2007-10-10 21:13:00
Many of my clients wistfully say a version of, ?I just wish [THIS] would happen or work out.? Or ?If only someone would help me.? I?ve got news for you boys and girls! These thoughts will just keep you in DreamLand. Just like Santa, the wish fairy doesn?t exist!I lived in a state of wishful thinking when I was a DoorMat. I yearned for what others had without doing anything further and kept hoping that my wish fairy would miraculously appear and make my dreams would come true. Back then my wishful thinking as big as anyone else?s. I?d fantasize about having the perfect man and play out how I?d feel if I could ever find a way to leave my teaching job, which I hated. I wonder what it was like to look in the mirror without hating what I saw. Yet nothing materialized. I waited. And waited. And felt angry and frustrated.It felt like I was destined to be unhappy. Where was that wish fairy I kept wishing for!!?! Many of us are subconsciously in fairy tale mode. Waiting, wishing, getting ang...
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Stepping Toward Your Passion
2007-10-09 23:15:00
I heard from many people about my last post, Passi on Makes a Life. Some expressed how bored and stuck they are and feel it?s too late for them to make changes to have a more satisfying life. I hear it all the time?all the reasons conjured up for not making steps to become happier. Excuses?Excuses?Excuses?Excuses?Excuses?E xcusesIt?s easy to make excuses! Taking steps forward is the hard part. I stagnated for years when I was too scared to make a move and convinced myself that was the way my life was, and would continue to be. The thought of change can be scary. Actually making the change seems even scarier. So you stagnate like I did. Wishing?hoping?dreaming. And lamenting that you can?t get off your butt to get out of the rut. None of this bring happiness or satisfaction. Passion does!Staying in a boring or unhappy place shreds your self-esteem?and happiness.The bad news: Rarely will someone take you by the hand and walk you out of your rut. All those wishes will remain wishes if yo...

Passion Makes Life a Life!
2007-10-04 14:02:00
People know how much I do. As a full time freelance writer, I can spend 16 hours a day working. But to me it?s not work most of the time. Answering emails is work. Other non-writing aspects of earning a living the way I do is work. But actually writing my books and articles? That?s pleasure!! Living a passion driven life is living to the fullest. Pushing yourself through the drudgery of a job that just pays the bills and gives no pleasure is wasting a lot of time for me. I work longer hours than most people. Weekends too! But it?s my choice and I?m delighted to be able to make it. People tell me I work too much. I?ve had boyfriends scold me with reasons why I shouldn?t work so hard. That?s often the kiss of death for one if he doesn?t understand:When you love what you do, you can?t get enough of it!I looked up the definition of ?work? in several dictionaries and got versions of?using exertion or effort to produce or accomplish something. For me, exertion or effort is more often some...
More About: Life , Passion , Passi

Toot Your Own Horn!
2007-10-03 22:27:00
I?m delighted to have Lorraine Cohen, President of Powerfull Living as a guest blogger today. So many of us, especially recovering DoorMats, have a hard time owning our accomplishments. Lorraine has kindly allowed me to post this article that appeared on her own blog. She shares some tips for tooting your own horn that were shared by a guest on her radio show, Powerfull Living Radio.Toot Your Own Horn !by Lorraine CohenA few months ago my good friend Dale Kurow came on my radio show to talk about ?Positioning Yourself for a Promotion?. We discussed specific steps people can take to position themselves to get noticed for a promotion. To lay the groundwork for a promotion, she talked about the importance of documenting past successes. That means keeping a record of every major accomplishment (big and small), awards, and any new ideas that are proposed and adopted. Dale calls this tool, ?a hero file.?Why bother?Here are a few reasons:**When performance reviews roll around you?ll hav...

Saturday Night Solo Isn?t Death!
2007-10-02 21:35:00
I was walking down Second Avenue early Saturday evening. In front of me was a couple. The guy had a loud voice. As a writer about life, I pay attention to small stuff going on around me. As he passed a manicure salon, Mr. Loud Mouth looked in and in a know-it-all tone, stated, ?Those poor women in there have no Saturday night date.? His lady asked why he thought that. He asked if she?d seen what they looked like.His premise was that those women would have a hard time getting one because they weren?t attractive. Men in NY could have their pick and they?d be at the bottom of the heap. All this was discerned in the few seconds it took to walk by a small nail salon. He went on to say that women in NY were desperate for a Saturday night date, so these women must be unhappy. His Dorkette agreed.I wanted to yell, ?Oh no you didn?t!?But he did. This guy was dorky looking. I wanted to ask him if he?d seen the woman he was with. They were 2 unattractive people making fun of women who were cer...
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I?m a Beauty Product Whore & Proud of It!
2007-10-01 18:59:00
Guys who enter my bathroom often make sarcastic comments about how many bottles of creams and lotions and other stuff I have. They?re clueless about why or what any of it is for. They tease and ask why I need so much junk. I argue that it?s not junk! Everything has its purpose. But guys don?t understand. They think I?m nuts.Having lots of beauty products isn?t crazy. It?s showing myself love!All those bottles, jars, and tubes contain love to me. I consider taking care of my skin and hair loving acts. I try various lines to find the best ones for me. Guys often don?t? get it. While some are exploring their metro-sexual sides, more don?t use even moisturizer, no less worry about protecting their skin and hair from the elements. Yet taking good care of your skin and hair is loving! Guys, you need to take care of yours too!My bathroom is full of facial cleansers, facial and under-eye serums, toners, day creams, night creams, eye creams, Ceramide drops, Glycolic products, exfoliaters, ma...
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Personal Development List
2007-09-30 05:58:00
There's a huge list of personal development blogs being circulated and I'm honored to be part of it. This list was created by Priscilla Palmer. She has a wonderful blog with all sorts of great suggestions. I advise you check her out. The list is large. I couldn't get it to post here so you can go to Priscilla's site to see it. Personal Development List I appreciate having one of my articles added to these blog Carnivals:http://www.fitbuff.com/total-mi nd-and-body-fitness-blog-carnival-17/http ://thetallpoppy.blogspot.com/2007/09/welc ome-to-september-30-2007-edition-of.htmlh ttp://www.andrewiandodge.com/2007/10/01/b lackpool_boms/

Are Women Less Happy than Men?
2007-09-28 21:08:00
An article in the NY Times this week was called He?s Happier, She?s Less So It discussed the results of a study that said nowadays, men are happier. Years ago, studies showed women to be the happier of the sexes. But times have changed! One difference pointed out is that men enjoy being with their families more. One reason assessed is that women associate visits to parents more with tasks, men with watching ballgames on TV and relaxing. I agree with that, and more. Growing up, girls are expected to help around the house. Guys are often more pampered by mom. And catered to. A guy?s experience is more fun than having to clear the table or do the dishes. The study also notes that women have more work than ever, with full time jobs at work and home. In the past, women were taught that happiness came from having a husband, a clean house and kids. Nowadays that doesn?t cut it. Yet many women still look to marriage and kids as key factors for attaining happiness. Unfortunately, many go to ...
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Break the Binge Habit
2007-09-27 18:49:00
I?m delighted to have Rena Greenberg as a guest blogger. Rena is President of Wellness Seminars, Inc. and the author of several books about diet and weight loss (more at the end of the article). I believe that part of developing self-empowerment is learning to control your eating habits. Rena has some great suggestions for doing that! I had some serious cravings as I began this, tried some of Rena's suggestions, and I'm no longer needing to eat.?Break the Bing e Habit by Rena GreenbergThere is a magic question that you can ask yourself when you are about to reach for the last cookie in the box, finish the macaroni and cheese on your son?s plate, make a beeline for the refrigerator mindlessly, or pick at the desert that your husband is indulging in. This inquiry can help you to break the binge habit instantly. It is very simple, but extremely effective. The question is: ?What is it that I am truly needing??In most cases, when you stop to ask yourself, ?What am I needing? ? you will ...
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Don?t Reduce Your Price!
2007-09-26 20:19:00
Stores have markdown sales in order to move inventory or get rid of products that aren?t selling. It?s good business sense to do it at appropriate times. But the practice is self-defeating if you reduce your own value. Whether it?s for business or pleasure, many of us give ourselves away in ways that create feelings of being less worthy of receiving compensation or good treatment.We devalue ourselves in many situations, and then wonder why we?re never happy. Hello! How can you attract happy situations if you sell your value short? When I was a DoorMat, I had a dirt-cheap exchange rate: * I put off asking for more money when I had a job because I thought my boss might get angry. * I did work that only people in much higher positions did?and did it well?but kept quiet after I mentioned I should be paid more and got laughter. * I did all sorts of nice things for each guy I was involved with, even when they did little for me besides crumbs of sweetness alternating with disrespec...
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