skinbeatergreg skinbeatergreg Stories from The Big City as told by a daytime suit and a nighttime drummer. Articles
Voditchka Part 2
2007-11-14 04:58:00 ...When we last left our intrepid instigator, our denizen of devilish dicta, he had just posted a simpering survey of his symaptico sentiments trying to provide a tempting target for some busty bolshevik babe on a licentious listserv. We re-join our nasty navigator in part 2 of our series...So I posted the survey and tried to describe the most god-awful wretch that America had to offer. I wanted to see if my Siberian Husky was that desperate.There's something odd about mail order bride ads. The desperation is palpable and they are so eager to please, to be accepted. Yet there is a hint of sadness in all of this. Taking a young woman far from her home and to a place where she knows nothing of the language and culture...Oh, jesus, I sound like a freaking Jhumpa Lahiri novel! OK...I'll stop. So here are a handful of the replies I got. Now, you have to understand that these ladies use a translation software that is, well...not up to the task of communicating lustful wants and d... More About: Part
Recess 101
2007-11-11 12:56:00 We interrupt your regulary scheduled posting for this PSA:Hello. I know there are some of you out there who have issues or take exception with some of the things I post. That's fine. I really don't mind. I welcome free and open discussion. We all have different experiences and ideas and I readily admit that I'm not always right. I might not be right, but I'll always have an opinion. Be that as it may, if you take issue with something, and you have no respect for the writer, at least have respect for the issue at hand and refrain from all the trifiling and bullshit. The anonymity of the web is a confidence booster and I understand that some folks need that sort of a plus-up to feel like they have worth. But accusations, threats and name-calling, which are easy to do when all you have to hit is send, really do nothing to move the debate forward and just add drama to what could possibly be a valued discussion.So after a couple of weird emails, some fairly serious accusations a...
Voditchka Part 1
2007-11-10 03:06:00 One of the guys who works for me is going on vacation. Not unusual, especially this time of the year. What is unusual is he is going to Russia to meet the woman he will probably marry. Notice I said meet. It's not an arranged marriage type of situation. He found his potential-maybe-could be-bride-to-be on a russian singles website. He is all kinds of excited about it and can't stop sending me pictures, emails, and IMs of their lovey-dovey talk. BLEECH!Apparently this is a real popular thing. There are entire websites devoted to the "How To" of it, covering meeting, conversing, travel and the sticky legal issues.Now the web is the new frontier, so I'm not knocking it. In fact, I have had lots of folks introduce themselves to me and even made a couple of friends after they replied to some of my bogus Craigslist ads, but I'm not too sure I would dole out a Grand and fly halfway around the world just to meet 'em (no offense to all my Craigslist stalkers out there...I still l... More About: Part
Year of excess
2007-11-09 03:28:00 If any of my readers have seen me play, you know I play very stripped down, intense, loud, hardcore rock and roll drums. It is a straight ahead sound as solid as the NYC concrete and calls to mind some of the great 70s bands that have emerged from the city I love (Kiss, Johnny Thunders, the NY Dolls, Ramones, Blondie, Kid Creole and the Coconuts, et al). I play for the music, not for me.That hasn't always been the case. My musical development was influenced by more technically focused drummers: (Of course) The Professor, Copeland, Bruford, Portnoy, Hakim, Krupa, Shaugnessy and Bellison to rattle of a few. I played a monster Ludwig double bass kit. I played to impress. I played for other drummers, I played to push myself and squeeze in that 64th note triplet flam paradiddle fill to land on the upbeat of four.Now I play very differently. Now I think a drummer should lay down the groove that allows his bandmates to travel down. It's a living thing, this groove. It grows, c... More About: Year
Unlocking the Real You
2007-11-08 03:21:00 Hi, how are ya. Glad you could make it. Sit down. Coffee? You sure? Great! Today we're going to talk in a MOTIVATIONAL way, not just about you, but also about who you are, who you think you are, and what you do inside, and why those three very basic, but very important things are the same thing and completely different sometimes, but more often than not. Because they are, you know? Similar. Yes, and very different. You're right. Very good point. Let me take a moment and capture that...So what's your name? Hey, that's a GREAT name! No, I'm serious. I had a cousin with the exact same name, and you wanna know something? He was able to MAXIMIZE his Potential in exactly the same way that you will. Does that sound like something you'd like to hear more about? You sure? Great!See, what I can offer you are problem-oriented solutions to solution-oriented problems that prepare you to meet ANY and ALL challenges--Or, as we call them: "opp-or-tOOOOn-i-ties"--with readiness and capability.... More About: Real , Unlocking , Locking
Fun with Tyra
2007-11-07 01:17:00 Inspiried by my BloggerBuddy Abbagirl, (and my obligation to post every day for NaBloPoMo) Tuesdays are henceforth confession day,(Tuesday works for me because I'm usually too hungover on Sunday to care if I go to hell--I'm already there!)Anyway, enough about my social life...On to the juicy stuff:I am addicted to America 's Next Top Model.(10 our fathers, 5 hail marys and one act of contrition later)...She might be a controversial, confrontational, trifling hag on her other show, but on ANTM Tyra Banks is the Queen of the Castle. Although she has limited screen time (the show IS about the self-actualization of assorted trampy/ingenue-model-wannabees, after all) when she is on , she is ON: Dynamic, energetic and full of life, Tyra is an inspiration to the T/I-M-Ws and is the embodiment of all things Top Model.OK. Poor word choice here (em-body-ment). Tyra's bod is tired. Her body is far from model-esque...Well, maybe she can still shake her badonkadonk for Lane Bryant. For ...
Dumped
2007-11-05 21:53:00 i looked across the table at her, she was looking down into her cup, i looked around the room instead. a lot of people sitting around, looking like they'd been there for hours, all men, all of them forgetting to take their coats off, or maybe cold...out through the windows, in the street, snow was falling, buses and cabs crawled slowly along, the flakes sticking to and slowly melting their way down windshields... i sat, moving my eyes but not my head, waiting for her to speak. i waited for what felt like a long time. i studied the creases in the skin covering my knuckles, the imperfections in the paint on the wall, the sparse, greasy looking facial hair on the kid behind the counter...my arms get cold and i reach behind me for my jacket. i pull it on, look around again, and realize i fit right in now, with the other men, huddled down into their coats... she looks up and brushes away a strand of hair that had fallen in front of her eyes. she says: 'i guess i can understand.' 'you...
Bugged-a-Boo
2007-11-04 21:24:00 I'm not afraid to admit that some of my best friends (and favorite bloggers) are Brooklynites. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I'm not judging anyone here. I'm happy they're Out and living normal lives. I'm an ally!Bridge and tunnel friends are great when you just want to get away. It can be a relief from The Big City bullshit. So to escape all the NYC Marathon hype (Oprah was in town), I accepted an invite from some of those Brooklyn friends to have a brunch foursome in Park Slope today. Park Slope is a great looking neighborhood. It abounds with some of the finest examples of 19th century residential architecture I have ever seen. My head was on a swivel as I walked the brownstone-bordered, leaf-laden sidewalks, still dotted with decaying Halloween jack-o-lanterns and costumed in silly-string cobwebs. We met at Rosewater--a organic crunchy brunchy place at Union and 6th Ave. I had the squash pancakes with pumpkin seeds. Although I usually eat pancakes at ...
Pura Vida
2007-11-04 03:01:00 This is my first trip to Costa Rica, and I am decidedly out of synch. I am wrestling with the long-established sense that this is a place of needs-abatement, desires fulfilled. After trips to the jungle and sportfishing on the Pacific coast, I'm not even sure what my needs are, let alone how to satisfy them. I decide I do need to get in the middle of things and mix it up, however. Let that play. See where it takes me.I have taken the ground floor garden suite at the Hotel Grano de Oro, a lovely, converted turn-of-the-century mansion in San José. The room is furnished with a nod to the property's past: beautiful handcrafted hardwood furniture, a four-post wrought-iron bed, antique furnishings, prints and other accents.My bathroom is a huge, painted-tile affair with a soothing jacuzzi. A French door, in a small sitting room off the bedroom, opens onto a tropical garden, where I can relax with a cigarette and a cool drink. Breezes billow the gauzy curtains that pirouette insi... More About: Vida , Pura
A Writer Writes
2007-11-02 06:15:00 I'll admit I'm not the most disciplined writer. I have never understood people who set aside a block of time, say 10am to 2pm and just write. I value inspiration, spontaneity, and the muse. However, the flip side is there are days without updates and it is always a disappointment when one of my + Reading is Fundamental + friends don't have something new to share at least once a week. And now that some folks have been kind enough to link me, god knows I would hate to disappoint you in the same way.I know, I know...I went out of town in mid-October for a conference without telling you and left you hanging for a whole week. Kiss and make up? Super!So in the spirit of openness, sharing, goodwill and a healthy dialogue, I've made the committment to participate in NaBloPoMo. (Special thanks to DrunkBrunch for getting me turned on. xoxoxo!)Sounds easy? Yeah, maybe for Scott Turow who got up at 4 am and wrote for 2 hours every day until he finished The Firm. If you scroll down... More About: Writer
The Unexamined Life
2007-11-01 21:44:00 Paul Tibbets died today. He passed away quietly at his home in Columbus, Ohio. He was a 92 year old retired owner of an air taxi service who had the distinction of being the largest mass murderer in US history.On August 6, 1945, at 02:45:17, Colonel Tibbets, 30 years-old at the time, and the plane he commanded (named for his mother, Enola Gay) went wheels up and began the thirteen-hour mission to detonate the first ever nuclear weapon in the history of the world.Note: Thick irony that a plane named after someone's mother--the nurturing giver of life--would instead deliver an apocalyptic abomination unheretofore seen on this earth. The 10,000 pound bomb (nicknamed a benign "Little Boy") fell away from the aircraft at 08:15:17am and exploded about 200 yards over the city, creating a 13 kiloton explosion, a fireball, a shock-wave, and a burst of radiation. When the bomb was dropped about 255,000 people lived in Hiroshima.The explosion completely incinerated everything within a one ... More About: Life
ePublish or ePerish!
2007-11-01 06:07:00 Your Humble Correspondent has had one of his short stories published as the Nov 1, 2007 selection on the IndieBloggers website. Click here to read I bumped into IndieBlogger via hyperlink a couple of weeks ago and spent the better part of a Friday afternoon reading the stories. Some were great, some were not so great; some hit, some missed; some sizzled, some fizzled. But what I discovered was a great new forum/venue/zine/blog that gave writers a chance to put their stuff out there for the (cyber)world to see. Journal entries, my cat stories, fiction, poetry, works in progress are all fair game. The submission guidelines are incredibly simple, and Stacy, the resident editor-in-chief-ex-officio-emeritus-prime -minister-pro-tem-adjunct-sous-chef, reads and gives each piece careful consideration. Having thrown many submissions Over the Transom her personal attention is a breath of fresh air.They also sponsor "weekly challenges" to test your writing mettle. Just as iron sharpens ir...
Craigslist is Fun Halloween Edition Part II
2007-11-01 03:28:00 ˇ???? ? s???s u???s - 999 (East Village)--------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- ------Reply to: pers-465521534@craigslist.orgDate: 2007-10-31, 10:08PM EDTˇs?????q no? 's?o? ????? ou ?o? ?u??ool ?,u?? ? ??lppn? o? p????? ?ou pu? ???? p/p ?q ?sn? ????? ?o ???l ? o?u? lnos ?no? ?s?? ?uop ?,? u??? pu? ?poq ?no? o? s?u??? ?lq????dsun op o? ?u?? ? ?u???s ?q dn ?? ?ns ?? ??l os ???? ?u?lq??? ?,? '????u? ˇ???sllnq ?"?no ???? ?s?? ?" pu? "?u???p ?ou ??? no?" ??os ?noq? ?u??l?? ll??? ?? u? dn ll? s??? ?? pu? ???ld ??? un? ??? dl?? o? ?u???? s?? ? ?uos??? poo? u??p ou ?o? (?s?? ???ol) po? ?lo?ss? p????? ? ?q ?no ?s?? pu? l??u? p??ol?q ?so? ??? s?? o?? ? s? ?? ?o? '?? ?qnop ?ou op ??s??????u? ?lo?un ??? u??ds pu? ???? ???? o? u??o? ss? ?u?? ? ???s ? ?pl?o???pun ??? ?o p?ol 'u???s ?? ? it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 465521534 More About: Part , Halloween , Craigslist , Edition , Allo
Happy Halloween!
2007-10-31 05:22:00 Gather 'round, Kiddies, for your Halloween tale of terror! Your humble blogger was prepared to dig deep in my brain to craft a scary tale of horrifying mis-deeds done, then I came across this story...This TRUE tale of fright! Hang on Kiddies...Here we go! MMMMUUUUHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA![THUNDER/LIGHTI NING]"TEANECK, NJ -- A part-time lab technician at Holy Name Hospital was caught having sex with the body of a 92-year-old woman in the hospital's morgue, authorities said Monday."Authorities said Anthony Merino, 24, of West 185th Street in Manhattan was working a shift as a histology lab technician on Sunday morning when he asked a security guard for access to a refrigerated area adjacent to the morgue where human tissue samples are stored. The guard complied and then wandered away for several minutes, Bergen County Prosecutor John L. Molinelli said."Story (if you dare!)And that was when Tony Bologna felt that magic, tingling, once-in-a-lifetime special I'm-in-love feeling and climbed... More About: Happy , Allo
Mort
2007-10-30 20:10:00 The video clip had been saved to his desktop and he clicked on it for the 27th time today. It was a dour, rainy Saturday afternoon, the kind that makes you feel like you're breathing wet cotton, but as Quicktime began to play the clip, Mort was feeling good. That was bad news. Mort dreaded the feeling of happiness, like most people dread the start of a leg cramp. His ingrained Catholic neurosis told him that someday he would have to atone for anything good that had come into his life. Maybe that?s why that IED had gone off after only 2 weeks in Iraq and only 2 months into his enlistment. Mort had spent more time in the military hospital than in the uniform. When he got back stateside he thought he could carve out a living as a writer, but found the internet much more forgiving. He was more of a blogger than a Shakespeare built into his characters a ?Tragic Flaw?. That pseudo-spiritual notion that man has a ticking time bomb somewhere in the depths of his psyche that eventu...
Bedtime for Bonzo Part 2
2007-10-27 02:38:00 What should you do if you're surrounded by angrymacaques? (SLATE)By Michelle TsaiPosted Monday, Oct. 22, 2007, at 6:59 PM ET The deputy mayor of New Delhi, India, fell off hisbalcony and died Sunday after being attacked bymonkeys, his family members say. The city has around10,000 monkeys, some of which have taken to roamingthrough government buildings as they steal food andrip apart documents. What should you do if monkeys arepicking on you?It's like Mom said about muggers: Just give 'em whatthey want. When monkeys get aggressive, it's usuallybecause they think you have something to eat.According to one study, about three-quarters of allthe aggressive interactions between long-tailedmacaques and tourists at Bali's Padangtegal MonkeyForest involved food. If you are holding a snack,throw it in their direction, and they'll stopbothering you. If you don't have any food, hold outyour open palms to show you're not carrying a tastytreat or back away from the monkeys without showing... More About: Part
Bedtime for Bonzo
2007-10-22 05:30:00 BBCNewsMonkeys kill Delhi deputy mayor The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi died on Sunday after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys. SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys. The city has long struggled to counter its plague of monkeys, which invade government complexes and temples, snatch food and scare passers-by. The High Court demanded the city find an answer to the problem last year. Solution elusive One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus macaques. The city has also employed monkey catchers to round them up so they can be moved to forests. But the problem has persisted. Culling is seen as unacceptable to devout Hindus, who revere the monkeys as a manifestation of the monkey god Hanuman, and often feed them bananas and peanuts. Urban development around the city has also been blamed ...
Craigslist is Fun Halloween Edition
2007-10-14 09:07:00 KINKY ANCIENT MUMMY SIKHS SAME - 999 (East Village) Reply to: pers-448562738@craigslist.org------------ ----I am a KINKY MUMMY who is looking for other KINKY MUMMIES or basically any FREAKY DEAKY KINK HAVING FORM OF THE WALKING DEAD (NO GHOULS) for drinks, shuffling, grunting, dancing, and good times. I am smooth but it is okay if you have a little hair. I am looking for someone to be KINKY with and to rub mosturizer on one anothers preserved buttocks. I LIVE IN A PYRAMID. Some of my interests include unwrapping and then re-wrapping myself in bandages ALL GODDAMN DAY, smelling leather, WATCHING GRAY?S ANATOMY and reruns of ER, having an ancient curse, sleeping in a sarcophagus and doing interior decorating in my PHAT ASS CRYPT. I HAVE MOST OF MY TEETH but full disclosure here: a few have ROTTED AWAY. I am not looking for romantic involvement with werewolves or gillmen but I can always use new friends. I smell like flowers and myrrh. My last LTR liked to clomp and stomp around in big ... More About: Halloween , Craigslist , Edition , Allo
Onions, Artichokes and Alfred
2007-10-12 06:11:00 The British press met The Golden Notebook author Doris Lessing at her home with the wonderful, amazing, fantastic news she was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. She was coming out of a taxi after going shopping with an unidenified handicapped male companion. (Watch for that exclusive in the tabloids!) I think her response took them by surprise. The video is here. Fucking fabulous: "Oh, Christ!" What a salt! I love this woman. I have a new literary hero. I hope every Nobel recipient henceforth quotes Ms. Lessing upon hearing the good news.I, too, would be a tad miffed if the press just show up at my front door after I made a run to the greengrocer. Nobel or not. Oh, Christ!While walking into her house, ostensibly to cook up her celebratory meal of artichokes and onions, she make several other noteworthy remarks:"Figure they might as well give it to me before I've popped off.""Bah. This has been going on for 30 years now.""Let me up off the pavement.""Right. I'm s... More About: Alfred , Onions
Now Hiring
2007-10-11 05:47:00 Forbes magazine recently published an article on the worst jobs for the 21st century based on the Department of Labor's bi-annual Occupational Outlook Handbook. Thankfully Overpaid Suit and Lycanthropic Drummer aren't on the list, but it got me thinking about some of the nasty jobs I've had over the years.I worked my way through college doing foodservice jobs, so there are the horror stories about cleaning out grease traps and spoiled, maggot-ridden food. Then there was the time I inadvertantly chased a rat into an open pizza oven and the time I had to use my hands to remove a bloody, shitty, pissy Depends adult diaper some septagenarian retard had jammed down the throat of the toilet rather than toss it in the trash.Then came the Marines where I spent 10 years as an infantryman running and gunning in the crotches and armpits of the world where I longed for the days of seared rat hair and the feel of a squishy undergarment between my fingers.After some thought I think I can s... More About: Hiring
Craigslist ad I WISH I wrote...
2007-10-09 11:03:00 Ok...I'll admit it. I have had some fun with Craigslist personals in the past which is why a friend of mine emailed me a FANTASTICALLY desperate CL personal along with a very pragmatic reply (God, finance-types are so boring!) NOTE: This girl obviously isn't from New York or she would know about Pocket Change or just cut the bullshit and have a profile up on TER.WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? -W4MOkay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Couldyou send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to... More About: Wrote
Happy Genocide Day!
2007-10-09 03:38:00 Columbus Day and Thanksgiving are two of the worst holidays for me. As a native american I find the hollow lies dished out by this country like cold Stove Top stuffing to be revolting. As a kid I was forced to recite that poem "In Fourteen-Hundred and Niney-Two, Colombus Sailed the Ocean Blue". Yeah, he sailed the ocean blue then left it crimson red with blood.Columbus was first venerated in the US in 1792 when the Society of St. Tammany in New York City first held a dinner to honor the man and his deeds. Columbus Day has been celebrated as a national holiday since 1934 in "Honor of this dedicated and courageous explorer." David E. Stannard in his book, American Holocaust: Columbus and the Conquest of the New World, states: "The destruction of the Indians of the Americas was, far and away, the most massive act of genocide in the history of the world."We will never forget...Oy vey!In his book, A People's History of the United States, historian Howard Zinn describes the genocide... More About: Happy , Genocide
Random deletions
2007-10-05 11:57:00 I logged onto my blog today and found that somehow, someway my layout/template/format/whatchamacallit was completely dorked up. No idea how it happened. Yooge chunks of code were missing. I couldn't beleive it.So after Googling "Ohmigod my blog shit the bed" I found this AMAZING website and with the aid of many beers I was able to recover my posts, build a 3 column format and clothe it in a seasonally appropriate costume. It only took me all night sifting through HTMfreakingL code. Thank zeus for ctrl+c and ctrl+v! I refused to give up and let this damn blog die. It's just now starting to come into it's own and finding its voice--tenative at first but now full and throaty yelling out into the abyss of cyberspace...Sappy, I know. But I don't have any kids to watch grow up.-------------------------------Yesterd ay was my 3rd year anniversary working for The Man. It's amazing how much life can change in that relatively small amount of time. 6 months prior to starting thi... More About: Random
Opening line
2007-10-05 01:47:00 ""The cooler was off for 10 hours. Exactly enough time to reduce Amanda MacNeal to a putrefied mass."I heard that coming from my television. I immediately ran in and turned it off as I knew the show would go downhill from there.It was television, after all. Network television at that. Where nothing gold can stay. More About: Opening , Line
Being single
2007-10-03 11:21:00 Top Ten Reasons Why You're 40 and You're Still Single 1. When a girl asks you for your number you give her your IP address2. You have a photo studio set up to take "action photos" of your cats3. During your first date you keep checking to see how many hits your blog received after that great article on Ubutu4. You can't make dates on Tuesday nights because that is the night the waiver wire opens up in your fantasy football league.5. You actually think Facebook is great for business networking6. You haven't updated your porn collection from the 80's and think that women still like manbush7. You ask a girl "What's your favorite font? " on the first date8. You constantly spit out the phrase "You know what I like about High School Girls?"9. The last time you got wood is when you almost unlocked your iPhone10. Still think that the goatee is going to take the eyes of the balding head
Plugged in
2007-10-03 05:09:00 I spent this evening rounding up myself. It seems that over the course of a few years I have become spread out all over the web. I never realized how many profiles, accounts, postings, replies, comments, friends, adds, RSVPs and groups I have/belong to. And that doesn't include the hundreds of stores I've bought stuff from online. My most recent purchase? Absinthe. Don't knock it 'til you try it. If the Green Fairy worked for Poe, why the hell not?It's sorta scary being so plugged into the system. Ganesh be praised when I google myself I don't come up (yet). My "nom de net" sure does, though. From there I'm sure the real me is just a couple of cyberstalking clicks away.I guess that's the big trade off: Anonymity for convenience. So why do I blog if I'm so concerned? Why put it out there? Well, the truth is I'm not. Concerned, that is. Research says that TV has nearly a 100% penetration (ouch) into American homes. Computers are at about 50% and with nearly ...
Craigslist is fun!
More articles from this author:2007-10-01 03:31:00 So lately I've taken to posting bizarre personal ads on CL. No reason in particular. It started with a funny picture of a cross-dresser holding cream pies ( you can figure that one out!) and it went from there.The really interesting thing about this exercise is the replies I get. Manymanymany folks out there are apparently as bored as I am! My most recent post garnered the most interesting reply yet. The exchange is below:Prithee, let us take our leave M4W - 99 (East Village)I should like one day to spy some female (attractive preferred) licentiously lifting her dress and exposing her shapely nude ankles. Though I know it veers dangerously close to self-pollution, the very thought (which I only permit myself to ponder for no more than ten seconds, after which I put on a hair shirt and jump into a tub of iced water, where I then have my housekeeper, thrash me with a length of braided cord whilst I recite the rosary) causes blood to route to my unspeakables. I am glad this "messaging... More About: Craigslist 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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