the adventures of me

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nightmare on turk street (health, relationships, addictions)
2008-05-19 17:06:00
I had some strange dreams last night.  Not that I am trying to turn this blog sound into an exercise in dream analysis, but I often write in the morning and sometimes my dreams are “interesting” – if only to me and if only because of the subject matter.I haven’t been sleeping well.  This is a normal problem for me, but it is not usually so consistent and doesn’t usually last several nights in a row.  To be honest, I think I’m caught up in a vicious cycle:  I’m more tired than usual during the day so I don’t do much of anything physical, and then I don’t sleep well at night because I haven’t exerted myself much during the day, so then I’m more tired than usual the next day, and then I don’t sleep well the following night … and so on and so forth.I decided to smoke some marijuana yesterday.  Since leaving San Francisco last month I have been in one of my “smoking less to not a...
More About: Health , Relationships , Nightmare , Street , Addictions

munching on the credit crunch (finances; health)
2008-05-17 16:23:00
I’ve got the first credit card I’ve been able to get in years, during this time when all of the news reports are talking about the credit crunch and how hard it is to get these days.  I haven’t been able to get credit for over ten years, when I was diagnosed with HIV and did what so many people did – and still do – in that situation:  I told myself that I had to do everything I ever wanted to do before I died.I had thought about moving to San Francisco for several years but was afraid to do it because I had this fatalistic idea that I would end up infected with HIV, since it was so prevalent out there.  Then my best friend moved out there.  I was living in Washington, DC at the time, and got infected anyway.By the way, fuck all of you who say that people infected in the 90’s and up through today are just “stupid”.  I got infected in a way that they say is literally almost impossible, but besides that, there are...
More About: Health , Credit , Finances , Crunch

a recipe for disaster (addiction; culture)
2008-05-15 20:23:00
Last night I had a dream that I went out to dinner to a five-star restaurant in San Francisco with my ex-boyfriend.  I visited Brazil almost eight years ago and had fallen in love with the place, and met this man who turned my eye.  I think he reminded me of Brazil:  warm and sweet, romantic and affectionate.  We started dating over that long, long distance.Over several months I realized that there was something about him that I didn’t like.  I noticed that he was very untrusting of others, always looking for their hidden agenda, always suspicious and critical.  I knew he was frustrated with his life and he felt like he was stagnating, professional and personally, and I thought that maybe he just needed a change.  I have since come to see this suspiciousness as a trait of Brazilians in general, a product of the vast chasm between the rich and poor here and of the tremendous amount of crime and corruption.  You HAVE to be somewhat suspici...
More About: Culture , Recipe , Disaster , Addiction

a pill for every ill (health)
2008-05-14 16:23:00
I’m going to spout off a bit about anti-depressants, since the issue has come up in one of my circles recently.As a mental health professional, I have worked with many people on anti-depressants and I have recommended them to some.  I have had clients say that they were life savers, and had others say that they felt numbed out on them, that the medications eliminated the emotional lows but also the emotional highs of life, if you will, and that they would rather deal with the lows through other means so that they then could also experience the highs.  In all honesty, what I have found in my own extensive personal and professional experience is that most people want to take the medications as a way to deal with the PROBLEMS instead of to deal with the SYMPTOMS.  Most people would rather take a pill than allow themselves to feel the immense sadness that can result from the death of someone close to them, or to leave a job that they abhor but wh...
More About: Health

itching to find out (health)
2008-05-13 01:32:00
I spent a month with my best friend in Connecticut this spring, as I do every year.  She has two little girls who are the loves of my life, and husband who is the quintessential big, gruff guy who is a teddy bear inside, and a family who loves me and whom I love like my own (which is as much of a reflection on my crazy family as it is on hers!)As soon as I got there I started getting rashes.  At first there were symmetrical rashes on my forearms.  Then the rash appeared on my thighs and hips at the same time as it seemed to clear up on arms.  However it looked on one side of my body, in only these select places, it showed up exactly the same on the other side.  Then I got a few bumps on my chest.  I thought the rashes might be due to the cold, dry weather, and I thought the bumps might be some kind of bug bites.  Then the bumps started to itch like crazy.  Eventually I was feeling similar bumps on my side, where I couldn’t see them, and ...
More About: Health , Find

strange bedfellows (relationships, sexuality)
2008-05-10 16:46:00
so i’m traveling in the u.s. for two months and arrive back at my boyfriend’s in rio, and we have sex the next day.  he cums but i don’t – and now two weeks have passed, and i'm still waiting to have an orgasm (with him - i masturbated a few times).  is it really so wrong for me to pursue sex outside the relationship?  he complains about our sex life and doesn’t want me to have sex outside the relationship – but almost without exception bothers me about having sex when i'm exhausted and we are finally getting to bed after he has run out of television-watching options – and he would seem to prefer to work really hard, go to the gym, watch t.v., and sleep.  i think that’s a little strange for someone who says that he wants a relationship, and one that includes a sexual component at that.granted, i often don’t sleep well at night, feel tired and exhausted, or have other health problems that get in the way (mayb...
More About: Relationships , Strange , Sexuality , Strange Bedfellows

eracism (politics, society, culture)
2008-03-19 16:59:00
i'm liking obama more each day while most americans of european descent are liking him less.  i find that very, very sad.  just when i was feeling a little hopeful about american society, americans start acting like typical americans again.first we had bush in effect appointed to the presidency by the supreme court.  after all, in what is supposed to be the greatest democracy in the world, it was much more important to inaugurate a president on a certain date than it was to make sure that votes were cast and counted properly, wasn't it?  and then there was such apathy about what happened afterwards that little to nothing was done to make sure that the same tragedy (for democracy, that is) didn't happen again.  the next election was again questionable, but it looked like bush was finally elected to a term - yet the apathy continued about what might have gone wrong in that election and what we might to do fix it.  now we have all kinds of racist crap h...
More About: Society , Politics , Culture

the skinny on skin (physical health)
2008-03-16 18:14:00
i had to go to the emergency room the other day. i don't just hang out in brazil most of the time but spend a lot of time traveling because of my "homelessness".  for example, every year i spend about a month with my best friend in connecticut, and her two young children and husband.  we always take a road trip down to washington d.c. as well, to see some of the rest of her family, whom i have know for years, and friends of mine from when i had lived there. i had to go to the emergency room because i didn't want to try to wait until i got back to san francisco (my home base in the u.s.) to see my regular doctor.  my skin is always doing weird things.  the second to the last time i went to rio, for example, within days i had an itchy rash all over my penis.  i was watching a movie with my boyfriend and remember feeling a little bit of an itch.  well, the next day my penis was covered with red bumps that looked like bug bites or something.&nb...
More About: Health , Skin , Physical , Skinny

total fantasy (family)
2008-03-15 17:31:00
last night i had a dream that i confronted my father and step-mother about their physical and emotional abusiveness while we were growing up, in a very direct and in-your-face way.  it is something that i might or might not do, depending on the circumstances, but i probably would be nervous and trembling when i did it.  so that was a bit of a fantasy; not that i haven't done it before, but it was mostly in written correspondence. long ago i got some form of apology from my step-mother, but only within the last few years have i got an apology of any sort from my father.  i had to pull it out of him.  i must confess that he only deigned to issue it after first insisting that he had and after i mocked him for not doing so.  still, i was tremendously grateful and glad.  it helped me to forgive him. the biggest fantasy is that it was in person and that it turned into a genuine conversation with them about it.  my step-mother is much more capable of s...
More About: Family , Fantasy , Total

restless in rio (relationships)
2008-02-23 15:48:00
I’m on my way back to the U.S. after a few months in Brazil.  Once again I’ve told my boyfriend that I am not coming back to his apartment upon my return.  This time I mean it, though.I just can’t take the roller-coaster ride of his emotions any more.  He is alternatively verbally aggressive or abusive, then caring and affectionate.  I’m emotionally exhausted.  What I’ve realized, too, is that it has a tremendously negative effect on my mental health, and we all know how important eliminating stress is to one’s physical health.  I guess I’m finally done.I’m open to continuing to date him, to try again, to start over, really, but I’m not sure how that will go.  I figure that with time he will realize how unhappy he is/was, and that will peter out as well.  Right now he is being his sweet self, turning on the charm, trying to convince me to stay.  He knows how to fight for this relations...
More About: Relationships , Restless

here we go again (relationships)
2008-01-21 02:23:00
Today he did it again.  The last time Boyfriend asked me to do something for him or the house I refused, and told him that I was refusing because soon afterward he would be telling me that I never do anything for him and never do anything that he requests of me.  Of course, I was joking and said it in a joking manner, but of course I was also serious, and he knew it.This is one of his favorite complaints about me.  Today he blasted me several times because I did not feel like cooking, and he wanted me to.  Honestly, I think he expects me to do whatever he asks, because I don’t work much and am dependent upon him for some of our financial needs (only basic things like food and rent and most of the bills).  Therefore, in his mind, I OWE him.  I HAVE to do whatever he wants me to do.  That’s the only thing that makes sense to me, since I am constantly – as in almost every single day – doing things for him and the household, and...
More About: Relationships

my cheating heart (relationships)
2008-01-18 15:22:00
I was going to cheat on my boyfriend today.  I mean, I have cheated on him several times before in that I have had sex outside of the relationship.  However, all of those other times it was basically a one-time, casual sex thing.  This time would have been different.I have chatted online with this guy a number of times.  We made plans to hang out and go to the beach together, and have sex somewhere along the way.  I have never maintained an ongoing personal or sexual relationship with someone with whom I had also cheated, and have never cheated on him with someone with whom I had already developed a personal relationship.  When I called the guy to finalize the arrangements, he didn’t answer the phone.  I got online to see if he was around but he wasn’t, so we didn’t end up getting together.Between the time that I made the date with him and we were actually supposed to get together, my boyfriend and I had a conversation about the s...
More About: Relationships , Cheating , Heart

doing the sustiva shuffle (physical health, money, relationships)
2008-01-15 03:34:00
I went through hell with Sustiva.  I had to switch to Sustiva from Videx when my liver started showing damage.  Then we discovered it was actually Hepatitis B that was ravaging my liver, an infection which went undiagnosed for years, maybe decades, until it went crazy in my own particular version of immune reconstitution syndrome:  I started anti-retrovirals for my HIV and the Hep B was left to run rampant inside my body, meanwhile leaving me with cirrhosis before it was even diagnosed.  But that’s a story for another blog.I live in Rio part of the year and San Francisco part of the year, and part of the year I spend visiting far-flung family and friends.  It isn’t because I’m rich; it’s because I’m homeless.  Plane tickets are cheaper than rent, not only in San Francisco but in the rest of the country – at least the parts where there are top notch HIV doctors and services.I was taking Sustiva when I went down to Rio ...
More About: Health , Relationships , Money , Physical , Shuffle

ho hum (relationships)
2008-01-13 20:09:00
Yeah, I’ve been quiet for a while.  I wasn’t intending to write this blog for personal reasons only, but so far it hasn’t attracted much attention from the viewing public and I have been a bit discouraged and in the frame of mind of “why bother?”  I am hoping that someone else is getting something out of it, and maybe a few offers to write for publication could come my way – or someone would buy me lunch.  It makes me wonder what to write about, and I end up not writing anything.  I wonder who is really interested, and if it matters whether I post or not.On to boyfriend stuff:  I have struggled for years in a relationship with my boyfriend, and have grown pretty hopeless recently.  We got together on the premise that we shared the same values for communication and the same understanding of what it takes to have an intimate relationship.  He said he wasn’t very experienced and would need my help and patience...
More About: Relationships

"lasting impressions" (relationships, health)
2007-12-29 14:46:00
I took a nap yesterday.  I had a dream that I was in Chicago, where I used to live and where I often returned to visit Michael, one of my closest friends, and where I still go to visit the few remaining friends I have there and to take my little side trips to my home state of Michigan to see the few close relatives who still live there.  I dreamed that I was at a favorite spot of mine on Lake Michigan and was thinking that I was never going to see it again because I was dying, and then I started thinking about Michael, who died in Chicago some years ago.  I was missing him terribly, and I started bawling.  I woke up and I was crying.Why did I have this dream?  I often wonder how much more time I have to live, and have had thoughts about dying as I try to get back to doing some work again.  Will it wear me out, to the point where I’ll die sooner?  Will I be able to complete any of the projects I start?  What will people think if I just di...
More About: Health , Relationships , Impressions , Heal

"impressions" (family, money, society, culture, travel)
2007-12-28 21:31:00
I went to my boyfriend’s mother’s house for Christmas.  She lives outside of Sao Paulo, where he grew up from around age 10 until around age 20.  Several of his siblings and their spouses and children were also there.  His father lives in Bahia.My boyfriend was talking about how some of them are such hicks.  You wouldn’t know that he grew up poor.  He’s considered Black here, although most people are a shade of brown and he’s more like medium dark brown.  Brazilians like to tell themselves there is no racism here, but it permeates society and in some ways is worse than in the U.S.  But he is manager of a high-end retail store in one of the ritziest neighborhoods in Rio, and makes a decent good living.  He has so much more than his family had when he was growing up.  There were at least 10 children and his parents living in a tiny, three-bedroom shotgun shack.  I’ve been to visit; I’ve seen it...
More About: Society , Family , Travel , Culture , Money

"more" (society, culture)
2007-12-21 15:22:00
I was asked by a cab driver last night why we have so many incidents in the U.S. of people going into shopping centers, churches, schools, businesses and so on, just to kill people.  For all of its problems with violence and corruption, Brazil generally doesn’t have incidents like these, where someone kills a bunch of people who are complete strangers to them, apparently just for kicks.I told him how easy it was to get guns in the U.S.  There is also the fact that when you have a deadly weapon such as a gun handy, it is easy to use it in fit of rage or jealousy or when impaired due to drugs or psychological distress, without thinking twice—before it’s too late.  I thought about all of the violence on television and in video games, both of which are ubiquitous in our culture, and both of which have been shown through extensive research to increase one’s propensity for violence.Of course, there is also the fact that we have historically been a ve...
More About: Society , Culture

"getting off" (relationships, sexuality)
2007-12-20 20:03:00
I’m in a “sexless marriage”.  As someone who loves sex, I never thought it would be like this.  The thing is that my boyfriend wants sex, and I guess I do, too.  I just don’t want it with him.  He bores me in bed.First of all, he has very little sexual experience and has lots of hang-ups about his body and body parts, although some of that has diminished with time.  Worst of all is that he is incredibly selfish.  It is all about his getting pleased and his getting off.  His typical invitation to have sex is, “Get me excited” (or the English equivalent, anyway, since he’s speaking in Portuguese).  Don’t get me wrong:  it is not said like a command but as a sweet request.  Nevertheless, it does give you an idea of where his head is at regarding to the whole thing.He takes little to no initiative to get me excited and get me in the mood, nor to keep me excited and interested during the pro...
More About: Relationships , Sexuality , Ality

"getting pissy" (relationships, addictions, society, money)
2007-12-18 19:16:00
It happens every few weeks or every few months.  I feel like I can’t stand my boyfriend another minute, and start plotting to move out of the apartment in the middle of the day when he is at work.  This can’t be normal.It started last week, when he told me about an incident at work where he screamed at one of his staff members in front of customers and other staff members.  He works in high-end retail for bathrooms, anything from toilets to fancy tiling to jacuzzis.  This mirrors the same thing he does in our relationship, only it’s not usually screaming.  I call it his growling, and recently I told him he had to keep it limited to once per day.  He could easily do it all day, every day.  He is constantly stressing himself out, getting himself irritated, losing his patience, usually over the most insignificant stuff you could imagine.  I’m tired of it, and have been for a long time—hence the new rule.I encouraged ...
More About: Society , Relationships , Money , Addictions , Addict

"clouds" (family, addictions, mental health)
2007-12-15 16:08:00
I was telling a friend of mine yesterday about the first time I smoked marijuana with my mother.  I was twenty years old.  My mother disappeared when I was six and I didn’t see her again for another twelve years.  It was the mid-60’s, and my father managed to get custody of all four of us in the divorce.  He must have had something to show in court although from what I have been told, he also did whatever he could to drive my mother off.  Or was it to drive her crazy?  In any case, that’s a matter for a different post. I had gone down for the summer to live with her.  I had been having various annoying financial setbacks, like care repairs and moving from on-campus to off-campus expenses, etc, and she had been helping me.  It logistically made sense and, frankly, I wanted to get to know my mother better.  She got me a job in a steel mill.  She had already given me her car a year before; she had paid it off and ...
More About: Family , Health , Mental , Mental Health , Clouds

"so close and yet so far" (relationships)
2007-12-13 14:34:00
i am a member of some online social networking or social support groups, some of which also meet offline for real-time events.  the groups in which i am most active are those that are centered around my health.  i find the groups to be a good way for me to stay informed about issues related to my medical conditions, to make new friends, to get support when i need it and offer support when i can, and to get me out of the house from time to time to participate in activities which i enjoy.we seem to be much more comfortable these days with intimacy through the wires than i would have ever imagined we would be.  However, i think that this intimacy is sometimes a false one, where we let it all hang out--so to speak--due to a certain physical distance and perhaps anonymity but without the emotional risks, rewards and responsibilities that come from looking each other in the eyes, face to face, as we share whatever it is that is on our minds or in our hearts.  the ...
More About: Relationships , Close

"dreaming of you" (family, mental health)
2007-12-11 14:45:00
for some reason i have been dreaming about my family a lot lately.  this is strange for a couple of reasons.first of all, i don't remember ever dreaming about them before except to have nightmares, and the only nightmares i ever recall have been about my family.  my father and step-mother were emotionally and physically abusive.  there were eight of us who grew up together (not counting the numbers of foster children who were always in our home, at least two at a time if not three or four), but there were five different combinations of parents among us:  child of father and wife #1; children of father and wife #2 (half of the eight, in which i was included, as second born); child of step-mother and husband #1; child of step-mother and husband #2; child of father and step-mother.  my step-mother was not abusive to any of her biological children, nor was my father abusive of them--at least physically.  there were two of us who got most of the honors...
More About: Family , Health , Mental , Mental Health , Dreaming

"the rhythm method" (work, society)
2007-12-06 02:46:00
it's not that i have disappeared in a cloud of marijuana smoke again.  it's just that i haven't really got into the rhythm of this thing yet.i am planning on posting on a more regular basis.  i am planning on keeping notes throughout the day, on topics that strike me, things i may want to write about, so that instead of thinking about it and not getting around to it, i can be more prepared when i sit down to the computer.  i am planning on promoting my blog on directories of blogging sites, too.  i just haven't got into the rhythm yet, nor have i gone to those sites to get myself listed.i have, however, been busy with some other work development activities, as well as doctor's appointments.  i hope that you haven't been worried about me.meanwhile, what to write about?  the current u.s. presidential campaign?  global warming?  the omaha school shooting?  my family worries about my spending time in rio, but shit happens...
More About: Society , Work , Rhythm , Method

"disappeared" (travel, culture, addictions, money)
2007-11-24 02:02:00
i kind of disappeared for a while.  i was busy with some back-to-work activities that i have been pursuing, because i know that i could work at least a little and i need to figure out how to generate some income while still taking care of my health.  i also have been traveling.  i had to move from my friend's house where i was staying, because he is in need of more income and wanted to rent the room.  i have been to two other friends' places since you last heard from me, and now i am in brazil visiting my boyfriend for a few months.  (yes, plane tickets are cheaper than rent, even if i visit him several times a year.  it's just too bad he isn't rich!)  and, finally, i was smoking lots of marijuana.  i went into low gear, and had a hard time getting out.  it's as if when i get past a crisis of sorts (the deadlines associated with my back-to-work efforts), especially if there isn't an immediate improvement in the situat...
More About: Travel , Culture , Money , Addictions , Addict

"breaking the cycle" (sexuality, spirituality, relationships)
2007-10-27 05:51:00
i read this today and found it inspirational, and thought i would share it.  i know i have felt defensive lately with the friend with whom i am currently staying, so it provided me with some helpful food for thought.  i hope it does the same for you: "My brother asked me why you were such a girl.” My son Jeffrey explained that this comment was made to him by his best friend, Joshua. I was crushed that Josh’s brother (who is also a friend of Jeffrey’s) could be so mean, but I didn’t want my judgment to rub off on Jeffrey, so I calmly asked him how this all happened. He told me that since we had put some Care Bear stickers on his book, Josh’s brother, Drew, saw it and made the comment. “What did you say when Josh asked you that?” I questioned him, looking for any sign of hurt in his face or voice. Surprisingly, I found no hurt feelings as Jeffrey replied, “Nothing. I’m a boy. I guess those stickers are...
More About: Relationships , Spirituality , Cycle , Sexuality , Breaking

"let's talk about sex, baby" (addictions, relationships)
2007-10-22 10:57:00
two entries and all if have done is boo-hoo about my financial situation, so i think i'll shift gears for this third time out.  i'm sure that you, dear readers, will appreciate that.i cheated on my boyfriend last night.  we have been apart for over two months.  i'm in san francisco, my home base, and he is in south america, his home base.  i spend a lot of time there, partly because i can't afford to pay rent on my disability income, although i'm here now.  (oops, there's that financial shit again.)i have always felt a little guilty about having sex outside the relationship.  at the same time i don't like going without sex.  the interesting thing for me since we've been apart this time is that for the first time i haven't felt very driven to look for other sexual outlets.  my sex drive is down in general; i'm no spring chicken, and i'm sure my medical issues take their toll.  more than that, though, i think it's an e...
More About: Baby , Relationships , Talk , Addictions , Addict

"not feeling it" (physical health, money)
2007-10-20 09:57:00
i am working on getting some more money into my life, and i hope to have some mechanisms in place for that real soon - including figuring out how to get a paypal link on this blog so that i can collect some money from you folks, if you're willing ...meanwhile, i have these times during the day when my energy crashes.  i quit working a few years ago when, after already cutting my hours way back, i for the first time in my life started feeling like i could just fall right asleep in the middle of the few client meetings i still had each week.  that was no fun.  i know that at least a couple of times my clients noticed, and that was more than embarassing, not to mention completely unprofessional.the last couple of days have been like that.  it gets to a point in the middle of the afternoon, after getting a good night's sleep and not doing anything that required much exertion during the day before that, when my energy simply crashes.  i want...
More About: Health , Money , Physical , Feeling , Heal

"ain't it (he) a bitch?" (relationships, money)
2007-10-18 08:57:00
it sure is a bitch being poor.  i depend upon the kindness of friends and family to put me up, because plane tickets are cheaper than rent and i can't afford to pay rent on my disability income.  my peeps are all over the country - and the world - so i spend lots of time traveling between their homes.  it looks like a cushy lifestyle to those who don't know any better, and who don't know the stress of not having any place to truly call home.  and after a while it becomes obvious that despite how much my friends and family love me, i have worn out my welcome and i have to move on ... to where?right now i am at a so-called friend's house which actually used to be my home as well.  we were housemates before i moved out, and later he bought the house from the landlady.  he constantly swears that i can stay here any time for as long as i want, and then when i'm here it becomes obvious that it's a lie.  tonig...
More About: Relationships , Money , Bitch