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Mapquest Vagina
2007-10-15 21:50:00
Not all vaginas are created equal. When I was in junior high, I wanted to make the switch from pads to tampons -- but I was a little worried (despite the illustrated instruction pamphlet in the box) about doing it right. You see, I wanted to be able to go swimming despite the time of the month. My BFF took me aside and gave me some advice: Tampons don't work all that well, she said, there is always a little trickle. But, if you really want to use one, then all you do is push it all the way in on either side of the little divider wall. You can just push the wall to one side.I can't tell you how long I looked for that wall. I felt around for it. I squatted over my mother's hand mirror and looked for it. I'm deformed, I thought. I'll never get married. I'll never have babies. Because I don't have a wall! I told no one of my deformity. A few years later, when my BFF went to her first gynecological visit, she was told that she had two uteri with one divided vagina. (Pr...
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Even Though Nobody Asked...
2007-10-04 10:40:00
There was a book meme going around. Nobody tagged me -- which is fine, because I probably wouldn't have done it if they had (and by they I mean Suzanne and Des.) And I'm not going to tag anybody else. Total number of books owned: I have absolutely no idea, but I sold off the excess on Amazon for two years (and pretty much lived off of the money I made) but made hardly a dent.Last book bought: I'm so happy you asked, because I went to the book store tonight after I got out of bed and had Tsingtao and Spicy Tofu for breakfast. I went on a bit of a biblioconsumerist rampage: The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland. I'm starting with this one. Why has it been so long since I've read any Coupland? He is the voice of my part of my generation.The Discomfort Zone by Jonathan FranzenShattered Dreams: My Life as a Polygamist's Wife by Irene SpencerThe Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls (I've already read this, but was filled with a longing to read it again.)Also, I bought a three pack o...

Don't be Hatin' on the Boobie!
2007-09-26 09:22:00
Apparently breastfeeding is porn, anorexia is wholesome and we're just waiting around for the last two horseman before we really turn this mother out. Pregnant women come to labor and delivery in all sorts of states. Some have support, ideas, dreams, jobs, families, legal status...Some just have a relative that'll stub out his Merit long enough to bring in some burgers and fries. Breastfeeding is something we should support, an activity that we should be able to look upon. Is there a fear that the boobies won't return to some of their more private recreational activities once they've been seen working out in the world? Don't worry, dumb guy policy makers. Boob ies will need a break soon -- they know how to have a good time AND take care of business. Please don't be hating on the booby just because it wants to come out of its basement office and get a little sunshine.

Noted Registered Nurse
2007-09-12 22:28:00
The other night at work, some of the other nurses were talking about one of the docs, Dr. Meanie. Dr. Meanie is only nice to young, cute nurses. Fortunately, he is also a bit of a mumbler, so it's quite difficult to tell when he's actually being mean. But I had a bit of a moment as the other nurses were talking. I realized something about myself. I'm no longer young and cute. I'll be 43 next month and I'm about 20 pounds heavier than I would like to be. I'm not saying that I'm hideous -- nor am I saying that I was ever beautiful. But I was cute. I got the whistles. Now I only attract the occasional, distracted geezer smile. I swear that yesterday I was only 29.So, last night, I had a couple of beverages and went on to a well known online encyclopedia and started adding myself to various articles. I am now on the list of famous alumni from my high school: Working Girl (I used my real name), noted registered nurse. I'm sure I'll get busted soon and banned from th...
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Pop Culture Tirade
2007-09-11 19:32:00
I've been flirting with a cold for over a week. I would probably get completely well if I didn't work twelve hour night shifts. So -- when ever I start feeling perky -- I go to the hospital and get completely worn out and dehydrated. Poor me.But you know what makes me feel better? Watching marathons of America's Next Top Model and eating in bed. You would think that watching a long drawn out modeling competition would make a not-too-skinny girl like me feel bad about herself. Not so. Let me tell you why.1) Those are some dumb girls. (Not all of them -- there have been a couple that were apparently literate -- but literacy is not the norm here, folks.) My favorite dumb girl moment? Hmmm, there were so many. How about when the girls visited Nelson Mandela's jail cell and the African American girl says something like, "this prison was, um, from when they had, like, some kind of serious, um, racial problems here." Or how about when they had to read from the teleprompter ...
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My First Biopsy, Part II
2007-09-09 19:08:00
I decided to start seeing one of the OBs I work with. And when I say see, I mean it in the gynecological sense -- so, really, he is seeing more of me than I am of him. Around the unit, he's known for being thorough (a bit too thorough for our taste sometimes) and, occasionally, a bit dramatic. But he's one of the few docs that isn't just automatically pissy in the middle of the night (which is when I work) and he has a goofball sense of humor -- which I always appreciate. Plus, I had something that had been going on for a while -- my previous doc had dismissed it, but I knew that there was a small chance that it could be something serious. I knew that Dr. Monkey (totally random pseudonym assignment -- I just like the word monkey) would take the steps to rule out the condition that I feared. This is what led to me having that endometrial biopsy while I had a broken foot.I mentioned it here. However, now that I've told the story at work a few times, I realize that on the b...
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Keep Your Penis in Your Panties!
2007-09-07 21:55:00
I was just perusing my site meter and noticed that someone googled: Are panties bad for your penis. Google's question? Did you mean: Are plants bad for your penis?All I can say to this is that you should buy panties that fit, and it really, really depends on the plant.
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Beavers and Dumps
2007-09-07 21:38:00
We were testing new clippers at work. Clippers for what? For the abdominal shave prep for c-sections -- or, actually, the worst spa treatment you ever, ever had. The clippers don't work that well, plus it's a dry shave -- they kind of give you that five o'clock beaver shadow. Last night, I found this forgotten folder full of clipper evaluation forms. I thought they were hysterical. Are you satisfied with the hair removal performance of the clippers? Would you use the clippers again? (Listen, when a doc calls a section at two in the morning, it isn't like I can run over to target to buy a new Venus). Another nurse and I were admitting a patient last night. We took the patient to the room and she went into the bathroom to pee. She had gotten an IV in triage -- so we put a "hat" in the toilet to catch her urine -- so we could include it on her I&O. Her mom was in the room with us. After a minute, the patient calls out:Hey Mom?Yes, honey?You better tell the nurse to come...
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Are You a Seat Pee-er?
2007-08-28 21:54:00
I sit on toilets. Even in restaurants, airports and cleanish gas stations. I'm not ashamed of it. I just sit my ass right down on them. And I feel fairly confident when I claim that I have NEVER caught any butt-bacteria from a toilet. However, if I see visible soiling on the seat or even in the bowl, I might reevaluate. Please don't judge me, oh you toilet squatters. I don't judge you...Except when you pee on the damned seat! Honestly, do some squats and strengthen up those quads so you can hit the bowl. Maybe you should squat over your home toilet for practice. Or, here's an idea - wipe the pee off when you're done. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but what a giant "fuck you" to the rest of the peeing population that seems to be. My pristine ass is too good to share a porcelain appliance with your ass, but here is some of my bodily waste for you to sit in. You're welcome. I worked my first 12 hour shift since May last night. Cranky? Maybe a little. Actually, I...
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Back to Work, Off for Vacation!
2007-08-08 14:38:00
I've been back to work for three eight hour shifts. Let me tell ya...it's been brutal. My charge nurse actually expects me to work, my foot swells up, and my patients have actually had the nerve to have their babies RIGHT AT CHANGE OF SHIFT!So, I'm off on vacation for two weeks to do a course which will certify me to teach prenatal, labor and postpartum yoga. I will have limited access to the internets while I am there, but hope to post a bit.Right now, I'm waiting for my next flight at the Charlotte airport which very generously provides free wireless. Quite the hub, is Charlotte. I had no idea. There was a fifty dollar upgrade to first class which I totally nabbed (I got a super cheap ticket, so I feel ok about the extra money). Unfortunately, I'm on one of those little planes where it doesn't really make much difference. But I do get to get off of the plane first...
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Birth Story Blog Carnival
2007-08-08 13:57:00
Birth Stories from Mina:Birth #1After walking around at 4cm dilated for 3 weeks and being told Icould have the baby "at any time", I finally went into labor 7 daysafter my due date at 2am. I had contractions 10 minutes apart formost of the morning, but they never increased much. At 10am I wasscheduled for a non-stress test because the baby was overdue (I'dalready had one a few days before), so we headed on into the hospitalfiguring they'd end up keeping me, which they did. They were verybusy that day, so my husband and I ended up walking around trying tospeed up my contractions while they got a room ready.After an hour or so we were taken into my room. I really wanted togo natural, and my nurses were supportive of this. We brought in mybirth ball so I could sit on that while I progressed. I labored fora while and was checked periodically, but I seemed to be stuck at 5cmdilated. I was having good hard contractions, and my OB convinced methat if they broke my water that I'd ...
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Birth, Birth, Birth!
2007-08-08 13:50:00
From Danielle, a midwifery student who blogs at Sitting in Silence:I was induced with our son at 8am on a Thursday morning, we were greeted and meted by a midwife and a nursing student who had been out of the game a few years. We were settled into a beautiful birthing suite, that over looked a huge fountain and mountains. The room had a suite with spa and a huge birth pool that they told me took an hour to fill. There was a stereo, coffee making facilities and a lamp. Beside the bed was a little cot for the baby already set up with clothes, nappies, wrist bands and name tags. I remember feeling so much anticipation just looking at the items. The gel was inserted and I was free to move around as I pleased after half an hour. DH and myself relished in the time we had together before our son was born. We spent the day walking through the gardens and only went back in for checks. By 7pm that night the labour was starting to make me stop between walking so I decided to...
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More for the Birth Story Blog Carnival
2007-08-08 13:45:00
A birth story from Diane: My son is one of the few babies who was actually born on his due date ... on one of them anyway. He had 2: one acc. to the standard calculation method (first day of LMP + 40 weeks) and one acc. to my gyn's method (first day of LMP + 7 days - 3 months). On the day of the second due date, my husband called me from work, worried that the baby was suffering from being "overdue". He wanted another level II sonogram at the hospital and admonished me to continue with my Kegel exercizes. He thought that Dr. C's due date was ridiculous. So, right after our conversation, I went to the bathroom, emptied my bladder and started doing Kegel exercizes, which I had stopped doing a few weeks before. Suddenly a gush of fluid came out. Because I was sitting on the toilet, I wasn't sure whether it was amniotic fluid or just more urine. I decided to wait and see. I soon developed general back and abdominal pain and noticed that I was continually dripping....
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Yet Another Birth Story!
2007-08-08 13:38:00
These stories come from a nursing student who blogs at Zimmerhouse:Baby #1Three weeks before my due date we went in for an ultrasound as the baby was measuring gargantuan. We found out he was breech and I was very low on amniotic fluid. Although he was in a great position to turn, the amniotic fluid situation made that option impossible. The radiologist left the room and I said to my husband, "Wow, it looks like we're going to have the baby soon". In his wonderful, let's-sooth-the-crazy-pregnant-person manner, he told me to not jump to any conclusions. Really, it's not like I was leaping far. The radiologist comes back into the room and suggests we go see my OB right away, he had called her office and they were expecting us. As we are walking into the OB's office, my husband dearest gets on the cell phone and gives his secretary his breakfast order for the next morning (company meeting, not the normal thing at his office). I told him that it made me a bit uncomfortable that ...
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More Birth Stories!
2007-08-08 13:34:00
This one is completely anonymous and unedited:girl, i gots a birth story to tell ya. and i would love to know your opinion on what the hell happened to me. okay. my son Joe was born dec.2003. i had a fabulous pregancy although i carried huge and was always measuring ahead of where i should be. i myself weighed 10 and a half pounds at birth. so they had to know that this baby was gonna be a whaler. at 34 weeks my OB said they thought he had to weigh over 8 pounds already. i was scared. i really wanted a c-section. but did not think i had the right to get one seeing that i guess it would be considered elective since i had no medical need to have one. my mom had me vaginally without even a stitch. so, i go into labor a week after my due date. i delivered at 41 weeks. i pushed for 2 hours. they could not get joe's huge head out. i told her to do an episiotomy. she did not and would not -saying that you heal better when you tear naturally. this true?. at one point s...
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Birth Story Blog Carnival Part Two
2007-08-04 01:22:00
Here is a priceless birth story, redneck style. After much internal debate, Prin, I decided to link to your site in my health care blogroll. Thanks for the story.I've always prided my self on being one classy bitch. After all I got all my partying out of the way before I decided to have a baby didn't I? My birthing story is one straight from the red-neck hills of heaven. I was 34 when I had my child, soon to be 35 and never, not once in any of the birthing stories that I ever heard did anyone tell me that it feels like you have to take a big whomping shit right before you go into labor! Earlier that day while keeping a friend's 5 year old, we had made a big 'ole bran, raisin, walnut cake thingy and ate plenty of it. I tell you this so you will understand my confusion at 11:55 that night when I had the first pain. I laid there trying to go back to sleep, thinking it was the bran but watching the clock just to be sure. The next pain came at 12:00 but still I thought I had to shi...
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Prescription Panties
2007-08-03 15:48:00
I've been having irregular periods for the last couple of years. Unfortunately, they've been coming more frequently rather than less frequently. I've been poked, prodded, and biopsied. I've taken hormones. Nothing has worked (also, there doesn't really seem to be anything too terribly wrong with me). My period simply comes when it's ready to come -- every 14-21 days.Next week, I'm going to forget about all of it and go to an ashram for 2 weeks and take a course in prenatal/labor/postpartum yoga teacher training. I'll be doing yoga for about 3 hours a day, meditating, learning about prenatal yoga, eating yummy vegetarian food (I'm not a vegetarian, but I'm not really a committed carnivore either -- I love me some veggies), sharing a room in a dormitory with a classmate...It occurred to me that, since this classmate might have occasion to see me in my undies, maybe I'd swing by the store and pick up a couple of three-packs of brand new Hanes Her Way. So I did. They ...
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Birth Story Blog Carnival Part One
2007-08-02 22:18:00
I've received several beautiful birth stories. Thank you all for sharing. If you send me a birth story in good faith, I promise that I will eventually post it here. I've decided to simply post them one at a time and in the order in which I received them. I've also decided to do very minimal editing - for a couple of reasons. First, I'm lazy. Second, I don't want to be yet one more modifying (controlling) influence on the birth experiences of these women. Also -- I'm not an editor and I don't want to risk changing the tone or voice of these stories. This first installment, which is actually two birth stories in one, comes from Jessie at I Am David's Doll. My first son was born in August of 03, after exactly three months of pregnancy. I am one of those people who don't have what you would call "pregnancy symptoms," such as missed period (I bled the whole time) or nausea. Nope, I just kept on wearing totally inappropriate clothes and going on roller coasters. I am...
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Another Nursing School Story
2007-07-29 18:45:00
I may have mentioned in one of my other nursing school stories like Leadershit, Did You Want the Cottage Cheese or the Pate?, or As Evidenced by, that I attended an accelerated BSN program for students who already held degrees. Most of my classmates were in their mid-twenties to mid-thirties. I turned forty during our first semester, and one woman was in her fifties. You might imagine that I was a sober, maturing influence on my younger classmates. You would be wrong.The program was 4 semesters long. Fall, Spring, Summer, Fall. It was all challenging, but the summer semester was brutal. We had Peds and OB lectures and 12 hours of clinicals a week for each class. Some of my best buddies were in my clinicals with me that summer -- and that made it tolerable. At the end of every OB clinical day, we would meet around a big, oak conference table and one of us would present a research paper on a women's health issue.What are you presenting on? I asked my friend, P, on the m...
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Announcing the First Weekly, Biweekly, Monthly, Bimonthly, or Yearly Birth
2007-07-28 00:19:00
Ok, so here's the thing:Every single time I tell a labor and delivery story, I get comments and emails with tiny little teasing snippets of somebody's birth story. Have I mentioned that I LOVE BIRTH STORIES? I love them for soooo many reasons. They remind me that there is this whole, huge back story to every single one of my patients. They remind me that, unfortunately, sometimes L&D nurses can be giant cunts -- and they help me avoid that fate. They help me be a better nurse. They remind me why I chose this particular specialty -- because, really, how awesome is it to be a part of somebody's original birthday?K, anyway...I'm starting a birth story blog carnival. Right here and now. It might turn out to be weekly, biweekly, monthly, bimonthly, trimonthly, yearly, who the heck knows? But I want to post your birth stories here on my blog.My birth story is very special, you say, why should I give it to you? Well. Good question.1) First, I will only post it here -- it sti...
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Shameless Panty Stories for Your Googling Pleasure
2007-07-27 17:06:00
I while ago, I posted a little something about how I was going to do some SEO by utilizing some of the more popular pornographic search terms that end up landing people at this site. Because, even though it's mostly the moms who leave comments, more than 50% of my hits come from folks who have misgoogled their porn. I was just joking around, didn't have much to say that day, and thought I would have a giggle at some of those crazy search terms. But you know what? That post continues to be the MOST VIEWED post on this site. (Thanks, Hit Tail!)So here are some of my recent favorites:urethral play -- Listen, I don't know what that is and I don't want to know -- but, seriously, play with something else, your urethra is not a toy!i'm self conscience about the way my labia looks -- Sweetie, I think you mean conscious, and, aren't we all?young lady and long cook -- That's right, cook. Oh no! I think he's about to sautee!does the penis ever go to one foot? Um...yeah, if you ...
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A Little Beer, Sure, but Never Again with the Tequila
2007-07-27 02:16:00
I don't drink tequila.Well, not much, anyway. I do occasionally have one margarita with a combo platter #7, but never again will I do shots of tequila. Why? Because the one and only time that I did shots of tequila, I vandalized my own car. The year was 1985 and the car in question was an incredibly dilapidated 1971 white Volvo station wagon. It was my first car. Everything about my Volvo was manual. It even had a manual choke -- the purpose of which is still unknown to me -- but I used to like to pull it out at stop lights in chi-chi neighborhoods to be annoying. It also had a factory defect: the back door on the driver's side wouldn't open without a metal on metal, hair-raising squawk unless the driver's side door was already open. I lived in a trendy, but not yet expensive, downtown neighborhood in a large southern city. I worked as a bartender in a bar that had a bit of an identity crisis. Bands played there every night (except when they didn't show)and this drew a...
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If Your Husband Checks Your Cervix, Then He Should Know What to Do in an Em
2007-07-25 15:23:00
A couple of folks expressed curiosity as to what I had against hubbies checking the cervix. Let me pass on a story that was told to me by an L&D nurse at another facility. The patient had been 4-5cm for several days -- according to her midwife's exam in the office. Her husband frequently checked her cervix at home. After one check, he noticed a tiny trickle of fluid, but didn't think anything of it. He was a well-educated man, but didn't know much about childbirth. He kept checking her cervix, not realizing that he had put a slight tear in the bag and he was now introducing the baby to whatever bacteria was on his hand. Twenty-four hours later, he noticed something weird bulging out of the cervix when he checked it. This "something weird" burst as he poked at it and lots of fluid leaked out -- along with something that felt kind of snaky -- this snaky thing just sort of dangled in the vagina. He and his wife happily got ready to leave for the hospital, because now they kn...
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see what I put up with?
2007-07-25 01:35:00
Last night I made some homemade hand cream. Really, I'm serious. I like to make stuff. It has shea butter, cocoa butter, lavender...it's really very nice, although it is a tad bit on the greasy side.So this morning I brought some in to share with the other nurses:Did I mention that I've been saving the little plastic specimen cups from the foley catheter kits to use as lotion jars?That looks kind of like a semen sample, N told me.A really large semen sample! says R.Oh, it must be a 24 hour semen, N responds.Yeah, you jerk off once, throw it away and then save all the rest, says R.So, rather than return from my patient's room to find my hand cream in a biohazard bag on its way to the lab, I label it:When I return later, this is what I find:

Some Stuff I Wish My Patients Knew
2007-07-24 04:44:00
If you're coming to the hospital, please leave your jewelry at home. Especially the diamond necklace that your favorite aunt left to you in her will. If we have to go to the OR, you'll have to take it off -- and I'm too busy watching out for you and your baby to watch out for your necklace. Please also leave your "lucky" tongue stud at the house. If I can't draw your blood because you jump and wiggle when I stick a butterfly needle in your arm, that doesn't mean you have bad veins, it means you have bad self-control. I don't like getting stuck either. I know it sucks. Would you prefer I do it four times or just once? My charge nurse gives me about 15 minutes less than I need to finish all of your admission questions and paperwork. (This isn't her fault, it's just the way of the health care system.) Please don't try to have a conversation with your sister or answer your cell phone while I'm admitting you. And please try to answer my questions concisely. I have to...
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Truth=Dare
2007-07-20 14:48:00
This may shock you.I have lied to doctors. Never about patients -- not those doctors. I've lied to my own doctors. You think I'm really going to tell my Mormon gynecologist how many sexual partners I've had? Really? I was single for a LONG time. Oh and the question about whether I've ever used marijuana? EVER? Are you serious? I'm almost 43 yrs old. Do you really care about what I did a few times in high school? Really? I'm a nurse, I don't need this in my medical record: Hx marijuana use. My hospital drug tested me before they would treat me when I broke my foot.And you know what? I am unrepentant about lying. I know what risks I'm taking (or not.) But I don't need some stone-face nurse looking at my health history and choking. Is that really an eight? Surely it's a three...And I don't blame my patients for lying to me. I hope they don't. It's best if they don't. But when you're being admitted to the hospital my some chick you don't know at all...
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Taking Care of Business
2007-07-19 03:41:00
I've got to take a break from the vaginal hilarity and take care of some blog business. First of all, Amanda has paid me the honor of passing on an award to me. Click on the award to give her site a visit, k? Thank you, Amanda, and thanks also for throwing me a bone (comment) so often. I think that I'm supposed to pass this award on to some gals. Five, I think?Here are some the bloggers I'm checking out regularly:SuzannePaulaJasonSkippyJon SwiftTo the five of you, I humbly pass on theWhat? What, you say? Isn't this supposed to be the rockin' girl blogger? For girl bloggers? Well, I'm no genderist. And if Skippy, Jason and Jon choose not to accept this award because of their lack of female genitalia (although I have to admit I'm not really sure of Skippy and/or Jon's gender), then I'll respect that decision and not think less of them.Also, I've been tagged, dammit. But I have to think on it a bit, k?
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Sometimes Babies Do Just Fall Out...
2007-07-18 03:06:00
I tell you this story much like it was told to me by one of my coworkers:Suzi arrived in triage around 2 AM. It was her second baby, she was dilated to 5 centimeters and she was intact (meaning that her water hadn't broken). She had no risk factors and wanted to go as natural as possible. Her midwife told me that Suzi could walk if she wanted to. Suzi said that she would actually rather take a shower.No problem, her midwife told me. Let her have a nice shower.Suzi rested in bed, breathing through her contractions while I fiddled with the faucets in the bathroom. I think I need to go the bathroom, Suzi told me.Oh. Ok. Would that be a number one or a number two? The reason I ask, for those of you who might not know, is that when a woman in labor feels like she has to poop, it is very often a signal to set the table and call the midwife, because the baby's coming.Oh, I just have to pee, she answered. As Suzi came into the bathroom, I went out into the labor room and straight...
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Vaginformation: When Bad Things Happen to Good Birth Canals
2007-07-17 01:54:00
Sometimes stuff gets torn when the baby is coming out. Esther, in the comments from my last post, described some awful tearing (whenever anybody says hamburger when they're talking about your vagina, it ain't good) and she asked a question about what the degree of a tear means. So instead of a quick answer, I thought I'd just give y'all the extended dance version, k?First of all, if you are pregnant with your first baby, please leave this blog immediately and go read Perez Hilton or I Can Has Cheezburger? This stuff doesn't happen to everybody. And you don't need to be getting yourself worked up over something that hasn't happened to you yet (or, hopefully, ever).Second, I am not claiming that this information is complete and it should in no way be a substitute for advice from a midwife, nurse practitioner, or doctor. OK. Background info first.Perineum -- that cute little area between your vagina and your rectum. The length of the perineum varies from woman to woman a ...
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Trich or Treatment?
2007-07-16 03:32:00
Once, when I was in nursing school, a group of my classmates and I got asked to leave a restaurant because we kept shouting out gonorrhea. Yes, we were drinking a bit. At the time, we all thought it was really funny, although none of us can remember why now. Apparently, some of the other diners took issue with an unordered side of gonorrhea with their pizza. But just because you don't want to hear about gonorrhea, or other sexually transmitted infections, while you eat doesn't mean you shouldn't be hearing about them ever. I can't believe the number of women who have sexually transmitted coochie gunk and don't realize that the reason that they have it is because their husbands have been having unprotected extramarital sex with an infected person. (I know, some of the women have fooled around, too.) But here's how it works: If your vagina used to be healthy but now it's sick, and your vagina has only had one visitor since the last time it was well...then that visitor ha...
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