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Direct Sales and Dirty Minds
2007-07-15 02:10:00
It was one of the worst jobs I ever had. Dire ct sales. Blech. I went door to door--at businesses, not homes...usually. Hey! My name is Working Girl, and I'm with the Asswipe Comedy Club. We've got a special promotion going on and I am able to offer you ten tickets for the price of two!(But please don't ever, ever try to use them to see anybody who is actually funny, because these tickets are only good for shows involving totally lame comedians who couldn't make you laugh even when you're medicated, drunk and happy.) The most humiliating part of this was that I actually had to go through a training period where this little dude, Pierce, taught me how to be a special kind of asshole. So for, like, two weeks we drove around to strip malls and shithouses and he showed me how to be an asshole, and then I showed him back how I was learning to be a really good asshole. The best thing about this job was that I was walking ALL DAY LONG. I was skinny back then to begin with, but ...
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Rising Blogger
2007-07-14 06:01:00
Look! I won a Rising Blogger ! Thank you, Judd.And...I earned $0.06 in google ad revenue yesterday. This is shaping up to be quite a week!

Why I Love My Husband
2007-07-14 00:18:00
Kenny went for a check up the other day. He came home and told me about overhearing a conversation between the front desk staff at the doctor's office and a patient. (Names and details have been changed to protect the innocent.)Mary Jones? Mary Alice Jones? Yes? Ms. Jones responded as she started walking toward the desk.Is your birthday October 12, 1962? Yes...How long have you been insured with Green Cross? The office worker is still speaking as if she is trying to be heard at the back of the Superdome.Oh, well, I've just switched over from the insurance at my job to my husband's. Well, Ms. Jones, we can't get through to the Green Cross number to confirm your coverage, so we'll need you to pay cash for your visit and lab tests today. Office worker woman yells this information across the six inches separating her from Mary Alice Jones.What? Mary was not looking too happy. I've been a patient here for over five years. I've never had a problem before. Well, it's you...
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Burt's Bees Burning Butthole Balm
2007-04-03 07:42:00
Something is in the air.Can you smell it?Everybody who is anybody is talking about dookie these days. People find me by searching things like "nurse shitting" and "poopie panties." Suzanne has been having digestive issues in India and on her way back home. The April Blog Exchange featured at least two poop posts: Jail Diet and Mommy-the-Maid. And there is an excellent dog pooping photo here. Granted, one of those poop posts is mine -- and I do post about poop approximately once a week. But I've decided that this might be a good time for my first ever product endorsement. Let me stress that it is Working-Girl-the-blogger, not Working-Girl-the-nurse recommending this product.Teaching stressed me out. Catering stressed me out. Nursing really stresses me out. When I get stressed out, I poop a lot. Sometimes, all that traffic can leave the back door a little tender. I discovered the soothing relief of BB farmer's hand salve during one very long day of catering. I was worki...
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Grandmother Panty Stories, Urethra Urethra Urethra
2007-04-02 08:21:00
Um.From the comments that you people are leaving, you seem to be pretty normal folks: Moms, nurses, bush kangaroos. However, a large percentage of you folks are getting to my site as a result of bad porn googling.And now that I've looked at my hittail stats, I'm going to purposefully attract more (very disappointed) porn googlers.Here are some of the things you kinky monkeys are searching that lead you to my humble site:shitting nurse storiesgrandmother panty storiesdaddy panty pool storiesurethral playsmell of women's poopdoctor patient table panties storiesmy husbands panties storiesnurse grabbed my balls (I never did, I swear!)panties feel nicepanties full of poopI think that's enough.
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Jello Jigglers (Special Guest Post from Mommy the Maid)
2007-04-01 09:12:00
When I was younger, food was always a source of stress in my parent's world. We were constantly reminded of starving children in other parts of the world that would love to have the mashed potatoes that my brother and I insisted were really cool volcanoes. Or worse, we were reminded of those children while we were spitting mashed potatoes out of our full cheeks in attempts to reenact a disgusting stunt on Double Dare. Food was not a toy. Food was meant to stay on our plates and in our closed mouths. Now that I am grown with children of my own, I catch myself all the time scolding Turtle to not play with her food, eat over her plate and with her mouth closed. I have very few dinner table rules and those are it. I believe in my rules and try to enforce them to the best of my ability. But today I may have taken a step back. In my house we are always baking, or making a cool craft, or other dorky things that got me made fun of in my school years many moons ago. We enjoy these things, a...
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Blue Eyes Lying and Insane
2007-03-29 21:47:00
Once I was a telemarketer.I didn't call people at home, very much.I called high schools and offered them some free plastic cups with their mascot on one side and the name of a business sponsor on the other -- the business sponsor would pay for the cups, of course. I would pump the principal or coach for leads and then call away. One woman in the office, Mavis, was responsible for handing out the high school info sheets. She got them out of some book that anyone could probably buy on the internet today -- but this was the 80s and that book gave Mavis power -- power that corrupted. It was common knowledge around the office that Mavis was going blind at a rather alarming rate, but because she was such a bitch, no one was close enough to her to have the details.One day I found a new high school info sheet in my inbox. It was from "Whitehore High School."I called Mavis instantly.Are you sure this is correct? White Whore High School?All sheets are triple-checked before they are han...
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The Secret Shitter
2007-03-28 09:51:00
Of all the unpleasant jobs I have had in my life, the worst was substitute teacher. After I did it for a few months, I got a gig as a long term sub -- which (I'm guessing) is slightly more pleasant than water boarding. The best part of the job was observing the ongoing drama of the secret shitter.Several mornings a week, sometime between the beginning of 1st period and the end of 3rd, the secret shitter would take a huge dump inside one of the boy's restrooms, but outside of the toilet bowl. Sometimes the pile would be on the edge of one of the sinks. Sometimes on the extra wide window sill (which was five feet off of the floor.) Once he left his scat right inside the (swinging) door so that the next person who entered the room smeared it across the floor. The best part of the drama was when the principal (let's call him Dr. Dumbass) would get on the intercom without counting to 10 first and rant for awhile. Teachers, we've had another incident. I'll need a list of all b...
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A Bitch, a Bed, and Hepatitis B...
2007-03-27 09:09:00
The other night one of the anesthesiologists asked me to do a little Spanish translating. I am NOT fluent. However, as long as we talk about epidurals and past surgeries and avoid philosophy and 19th century Spanish literature, I can generally muddle through. We have a LOT of Spanish speaking patients at my hospital. Generally, they are polite and grateful that someone is making an attempt to communicate with them. This lady, unfortunately, was not typical. I walk into the room and introduce myself with my general disclaimer (in Spanish): I speak a little Spanish and as long as you speak slowly, I can also understand it. The next thing I meant to say was: Have you ever had an epidural? Except it came out as: Did you used to have an epidural?This lady looks at me, rolls her eyes, and says, do you mean to say 'have I ever had an epidural?'Bitch . Are you really giving me 'tude? (This is actually really unusual. Most of our Spanish speaking patients are very polite.) Wha...

Full (Toothbrush) Disclosure
2007-03-21 04:09:00
It's time for me to come clean and tell you the real, full toothbrush story. I mentioned it in passing while I was still medicated, but now I want to do it justice.I can't even begin to tell you how terrified I was of having 6.5 hours of dental work done at one time. So, of course, I was really happy to take advantage of the drugs. They told me to dress comfortably, so I was wearing some wide-legged elastic waist pants and a loose top. I don't remember anything of the procedure except some foggy memories of, maybe, the last five minutes or so.When they were all done with me, the dental assistant walked me to the bathroom. Don't lock the door, sweetie, she told me.I remember sitting on the toilet and looking around the bathroom. Did I mention how posh my dentist is? Fancy, fancy. Directly across from the toilet is a lovely, walnut burl chest of drawers. Sitting atop the chest is a beautiful vase with a stunning display of individually wrapped, brightly colored toothbrus...
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Laboring Women Say The Darndest Things
2007-03-17 11:11:00
Patient: This is the last time I'm having a baby.Me: Have you ever thought about getting your tubes tied?Patient: Oh, no. My birth control works fine.Ten minutes after the baby is taken from the labor room to the nursery...Patient: Do you think they've cut the cord yet?Five minutes after I gave her 2 mg of stadol IV...Patient: Isn't this a nice campfire?Me: It's been a while since you got up to pee. Do you want me to help you to the bathroom?Patient: That's ok, I've just been peeing in the bedpan and dumping it in the trashcan.Patient: Could you tell me why my husband is bleeding from his rectum?Me: No, no I can't.
More About: Women , Men , Labor , Ring , Things

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things...
2007-03-15 21:31:00
I'm not wild about memes. Not even sure how to pronounce the word. But another nurse asked me to do this. Another L&D nurse. So I'll do it. Because even though I've never met labornurse in person, I know I can trust her. I know what she does everyday at work and I read her blog.Four things that I can't live without as a nurse and one thing that I covet:1) My nurse peeps. I know that the nurses I work with will come to my aid in an emergency, will have my back in a crisis, and will think through patient care with me when I'm just not sure what to do next. And they're good company on those slow nights when we sit around the nurses' station and tell each other stories.2) The good will of the patient care techs and surgical techs. On our unit, if you have a low-risk delivery, then the first person to evaluate your baby is a PCT. I rely on this evaluation. I trust these women to let me know what's up with that newborn. Is the baby fine? Do I need the team? I hope th...
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Peekaboo Vagina (Google That!)
2007-03-10 11:43:00
What is up with you gals who think you can have a baby without anyone seeing your vagina? How did you get pregnant? In the dark, I'm guessing? I had a patient the other night who wanted to have nine family members in the room for delivery, but didn't want anyone to see the big V. I'm a good nurse, but that was beyond my scope. And it was so fucking crowded! I'm pretty sure the patient's grandmother was giving me the evil eye. I mean the real evil eye. I did something to piss her off and I'm pretty sure she put a curse on me. Shit. That 's all I fucking need. In the how the fuck did you ever get pregnant? department...I had another patient one night who, when I checked her cervix, spazzed out and grabbed a big ole handful of my crotch with her right hand...and didn't let go. Hairs were pulled. She also coochie clenched so hard that my fingers were trapped in her vagina. I pulled away really quickly (pulled away my crotch -- there was no escape for the fingers fro...
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Tales of Gary and Dick: Part Two
2007-03-06 13:00:00
Back in the day, when I worked for the catering firm of Gary and Dick , I felt that my lack of a penis was really holding me back professionally. I worked for and with a bunch of gay men, a few straight men, and only one or two other women. I always thought that I didn't get as many good parties as the the gay men. So I wrote a song about it.Three and a half things that you need to know before you sing this song to yourself:1) The tune is from the Wizard of Oz -- If I Only Had a Heart2) We had a suck-ass brown Chevy Van that was only slightly more efficient than the cars in the Flinstones3) Ricky Fortochagney was a cute Eastern European fellow that worked with us occasionally3 1/2) The song, unfortunately was never finished....I'd be strongerI'd be wiserI could be a supervisorIf I only had a dick...I could drive the brown vanI could be a real manIf I only had a dick...I'd be BogeyI'd be CagneyI'd be Ricky FortochagneyIf I only had a dick...I could be more demandingI could ur...
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It's My Party and I'll Drink if I Want to...
2007-03-06 01:08:00
Did you ever plan a party? Send out invitations? Get really excited about the menu about 2 months in advance? And then, during the days leading up to the party, you just got incredibly apathetic? You couldn't be bothered to clean, you didn't feel like cooking, and so, to get yourself through the party preparations, you started drinking WAY too early in the day?Welcome to my world!Because I'm a former caterer and an excellent cook, I was going to make Vietnamese Summer Rolls with basil, mango and shrimp...vegetarian nori rolls with ginger grilled tofu and avocado...Hot sake and cold Tsingtao beer. For dessert? Tiny cups (cute little Asian ones) of coconut ice cream...or perhaps some out-of-season fruit.Unfortunately, dental surgery happened. So, the Velveeta cheese/Rotel tomato dip is over there in the crock pot next to the cooler full of PBR long necks and a bowl of Doritos. Enjoy!If you have a blog, please sign my mister linky over in the sidebar so I can come visit you....
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Sometimes Guessing Just Isn't Good Enough
2007-03-01 02:58:00
Click on the images to make them bigger and readable.
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Me, a Name I Call Myself
2007-02-28 11:53:00
Valiens over at A Brain Like Mine tagged me to confess 10 odd and little known quirks o' mine. Let me just say that I'm taking a (most excellent) combination of demerol and phenergan for post-op pain and can't be held responsible for things I write, ok? And also, aren't I already giving out enough embarrassing info? Oh, well, here goes.1) I like to read social/political philosophy in the bathtub in the morning. 2) I can only understand Shakespeare if I read it out loud with a bad British accent.3)I have a worm farm in my kitchen. Eisenia Foetida, aka red wigglers. They eat my vegetable scraps and I use their castings (poopie) in my garden.4)I have a big crush on the Dog Whisperer.5)Some days, I don't believe in what I'm doing (at work). I feel like the world is overpopulated. 6)Other days I think I have the best job in the world.7)I used to be able to read and write Hellenistic Greek, but I've mostly forgotten now.8)I cook to relax.9)My husband and I make up songs that w...
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Post Op
2007-02-28 06:45:00
I had all my dental work done on Monday. It took six hours. I went to a sedation dentist. He gave me Valium to take the night before, then a stronger cousin of Valium to take an hour before my appointment. Then some gas. So I was conscious, but sedated and very agreeable and I don't remember much. I "woke up" about 10 minutes before the work was finished. And this is kind of embarrassing, but you know that feeling you have when you wake yourself up with a really loud fart? That's how I felt when I woke up. Part relief, part embarrassment, part, hey! what was that noise? And of course, part, ooh! What smells?Then somebody made me drink two juice boxes of something truly vile. I think it might have been fruit punch. It tasted like sugarcoated ass. Afterwards I was encouraged to go to the bathroom. In the bathroom was a vase filled with brightly-colored, individually wrapped toothbrushes. I remember admiring them while I peed. I don't, however, remember stealing hal...
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10 Signs That You May Not Be Going Natural
2007-02-25 10:41:00
You did not attend any prenatal classes.No offense, but what the fuck were you thinking? Information is good. I'm continually amazed by patients who do absolutely nothing to educate themselves about labor and delivery. They knew this baby was coming. They've painted the nursery and bought the furniture and clothes and diapers. Why haven't they prepared for the delivery? Why?You scream during the vag exam. Listen, the baby's head is a lot bigger than my two fingers. For that matter, I hope your husband's penis is too!I have to ask you to unclench during the vag exam because I can't actually get my fingers out.At least I know you've been doing your Kegels!You are alone, or the people who are with you do not support your desire to go natural.Going natural is a group effort. This is something that you should have been planning with your husband/partner/support person for a long time. If you know your mother can't stand to see you in pain, maybe you shouldn't have her i...
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The Last Days of Disco
2007-02-24 12:21:00
My family moved to the Adams Morgan neighborhood of Washington, DC in 1981. Contrary to popular belief, disco wasn't completely dead in '81, although it was definitely ailing. Unfortunately, disco was alive and well in the apartment below ours -- usually at it's healthiest and most vibrant between 10 pm and 3 am.We lived in an old row house that had been converted in the cheapest manner possible into 3 apartments. The top two floors were one apartment that was kept by the landlord for when he was in town -- which was about 1 night every month or two. We lived in the ground floor apartment. The basement apartment was occupied by two men who wore a LOT of black leather. Not that there's anything wrong with that. All the windows were heavily barred. The basement apartment had a lockable iron gate that, when locked, made it impossible to knock on their front door.Our family moved around quite a bit. One of the places we had recently lived was Miami -- where we had had lots ...
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No Pre-Dental Care
2007-02-22 21:43:00
About a week and a half ago, I was running around with three other nurses admitting a young woman who had come in through the ED. She was fully dilated, no prenatal care, scared shitless, etc. Suddenly, something popped painfully in the back of my mouth. Exploring with my tongue, I discovered a little shard of tooth floating around in a pool of blood in the back of my mouth. My wisdom tooth (which I had known needed to come out -- after all, I'm in my forties) had broken in half!I found out at the dentist the next day that I had other issues as well -- including an infection. So the truth comes out...I'm the dental equivalent of a no prenatal care patient!On Monday, everything is getting fixed -- all the wisdom teeth out plus a couple of crowns, etc. Until then, I'm lounging around the house on my nights off popping antibiotics and vicodin instead of posting here. And even though I have the most complete dental insurance offered in my hospital's benefits package, only a ...
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Father of the Baby
2007-02-17 09:14:00
Kenny and I were buying milk at the all night grocery store late the other night when it finally happened. I saw the husband of one of my patients. And he saw me. Was it the really generous dad who went out to dinner and brought back milkshakes for all the nurses? No. Was it the friendly Mexican dad who graciously acted like my Spanish was really good? No. Was it the nervous Nigerian dad who acted macho all night and then cried louder than the baby when he saw his first daughter? No.It was the kooky ADHD dad who came to the hospital in his Spiderman pajamas. It was the dad who interrupted me when I was helping his wife turn from one side to the other because the baby's heart rate was doing scary, funky things -- he interrupted me to ask if he would be able to hook up his video game to the television in postpartum (we had already put the kibosh on video games in labor and delivery.) It was the dad who continually demanded that we pay more attention to him than to his laboring wife.I...
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1/2000 of Nothing Much
2007-02-12 08:18:00
I'm a But thanks toI resemble aAnd I just feel dirty. Let me tell you how it happened. Once upon a time there was a nurse who liked to tell a story. And she really liked it when people laughed at her tales. One day, her friend Jane recommended that she read Julie and Julia. So she did. And after she read it, and after she thoroughly enjoyed it, she thought to herself: Hey! I could write my stories on a blog and then people I've never even met could laugh at me. So she did.However, almost no one she'd never met read her blog. Few people that she had met were reading it. Jane enjoyed it. Her mother read it. A couple of people who had googled "pussy," or "poop," or "panties feel nice" had read it. But this nurse had dreamed of much, much more. This nurse longed for a readership in the DOUBLE DIGITS!So she did some research and found this article. And even though she didn't understand how to do some of the stuff advised, she did join My Blog Log. And almost immediat...
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Tales of Gary and Dick: Part One
2007-02-10 17:53:00
The catering world is full of good cooks who fell ass-backward into cooking while trying to do something else. I know this because I landed there for a number of years. Maybe there are people out there who intend to be caterers, people who strive toward the goal of preparing excellent food for drunken assholes and their guests in an unfamiliar environment. Anything is possible.When I fell into catering, I landed in the kitchen of a couple of old queens who had fallen there some years previously. They had started catering casually out of their kitchen. Over the years they had added employees, a kitchen facility, vehicles -- but unfortunately, the one thing they never acquired was even a passing acquaintance with how to run a business in a sound and sane manner. They were a couple. Let's call them, oh I don't know, Gary and Dick . Maybe they had been in love once. Maybe they had been happy. More likely, they had gotten trapped in the extended dance version of what should have been a ...
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Pad and Panty my Ass
2007-02-08 04:23:00
I have been menstruating for 29 years. Isn't that enough? And you know what? I'm still not completely confident that I'm attaching my pad in the right direction. Well, I mean, it's not like it's in there sideways or anything...but you know how one end is always longer than the other? The adhesive is never exactly in the middle. Does the long end go to the front or the back? None of the brands include instructions that speak to this issue. Tampons have instructions, illustrated ones, if you can believe it. Are there people out there that buy them, but don't know where to put them? Or people who wouldn't understand the written instructions?...insert into the vagina...I wonder what that means....Oh, thank goodness! There's an illustration. I guess if I, a labor and delivery nurse, am unsure about how to place a pad in my underwear, then anything is possible. By the way -- the pads we use at work are perfectly symmetrical. Speaking of that tampon illustration, I'm p...

Learning Curve
2007-02-06 00:57:00
As a new nurse, some things are harder to learn than others:Finding a female patient's urethra post partum (there can be a LOT going on down there.)Learn ing how to do a vag exam (again, there can be more than you would think going on down there.)Snapping up those damned gowns (Ok, stop laughing at me and try to put one of those suckers on a patient fast.)Getting those chairs in the corner to turn into beds.Learning how to communicate effectively with all the different people you work with: Patients, doctors, other nurses, patient care techs, unit clerks...When I was in my basic skills class in nursing school, I suddenly realized one day that I had, at best, only a hazy idea of where my urethral opening was. And the next day we were practicing placing foley catheters in the lab. (Practicing in the lab is all but worthless -- we had special medical mannequins who had detachable genitalia made of super hard plastic...and yes, sometimes we did play catch with the penises. And even t...
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Fun with a speculum
2007-02-04 10:47:00
Sorry.It's been a few days since I posted. I worked 3 twelves in a row. And I've been feeling like hammered dog shit since. Also, I had great plans to tell an uplifting delivery story since mytime4tea let the cat out of the bag that I was actually scaring people. And I do have a few really feel-good tales. Maybe later. There are some great blogs out there by labor nurses and midwives if you need education or uplifting. Check them out. But then come back and have a laugh with me, ok?Amazingly, with the bad weather and the full moon, we weren't that busy for the last few nights. So we had time to play a game of Whose Line is it Anyway? with a clear plastic speculum at the nurse's station. Mainly this game consisted of singing into the speculum and answering the speculum: Labor and Delivery, may I help you? The winner was when T took it apart and did a pretend eye exam. Which is better, this one or this one? Like this or like that? Clearer here or here? The speculum also made an ex...
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Very superstitious...
2007-01-30 22:06:00
Labor and delivery nurses are the most superstitious people I know. We don't like to go back to rooms where we have had bad outcomes. And there are certain things we never, ever say:Looks like a slow night.I hope we don't get anymore admissions tonight.Shoulder.I hope I don't get called in.I was at Target in December and saw a huge pair of green hoops. (Our scrubs are green) Had to have 'em for work. The first time I wore them, one of my laboring patients had to go to the OR for a section. The next time I wore them, the same thing happened. The third time? Again to the OR. I gave them one more chance. This time we had to, if not run, walk pretty fucking quickly to the OR for a post partum D&C. And it was scary. Bloody. It was the first time I had ever been really scared for a mom. She lost a lot of blood. The anesthesiologist was asking for meds I had never heard of...but it turned out fine for the patient. The earrings, however, were dropped in two separate garbage cans away fr...
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