Problem Girl

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Afflicted
2010-10-25 18:46:00
I have got a weird, random, out-of-no-where case of baby fever going on.  I think it's because I'm surrounded by people who just had babies or are pregnant or are trying to get pregnant.  I have a tendency to get swept up in what ever excitement is going on around me.  It might also be because Elle is five now and the other day she told me "I'm not your baby any more!"  *die* Even though Jesse and I had already agreed long ago that we were done with babies I brought up the whole idea to him yesterday.  I presented my reasonable, well thought out arguments to him. "But I waaaaaaaaaant one!" He considered my points and said "Not in this lifetime crazy-pants." He stuck with that even when I pouted (which almost always get me what I want!) so I went to the bedroom to cry play Sims3. So no more babies for me I guess because I have to be a damned grown up and make the responsible choice.  Shoot. Oh, but here's good news!  When we got back from v...

Five happens
2010-10-20 15:45:00
Once upon a time I had an adorable, round, pumpkin-headed baby. And then I blinked.  And this happened. Happy (belated) Birthday my darling girl.  You make my heart smile every day. One year ago today Joseph wanted a sack lunch. Four years ago today I got matched for my first surrogacy. Five years ago today I needed some sleep.

Home again, home again
2010-10-19 21:42:00
I am home from vacation. We had a wonderful time and I did not want to come home.  Our house was not robbed or burned down while we were gone. I took nearly 1500 pictures.  I am not in a single one of them.  Of course. I'm a little bit grumpy right now.  I've got a major case of post vacation blahs and I'm also nursing a wicked backache. My plans for the day include sorting through some of the pictures and then laying around and having Jesse bring me chocolate. I'll be more interesting tomorrow.  If I feel up to it.  In the mean time if you are so inclined I'll be putting up vacation pictures here. One year ago today I was practically famous. Four years ago today Elle ate cake. Five years ago today I didn't worry about pooping while giving birth.
More About: Home

Emotional girl
2010-10-08 20:28:00
Right now Elle is in her room stomping around loudly and muttering to herself.  She's throwing a little fit because she asked me to make a peanut better and jelly sandwich and when I made it I put the peanut butter on the top and the jelly on the bottom.  She got even madder when I fixed it by flipping the sandwich over. Have I mentioned before how terrified I am of her teenage years? Three years ago today I was pregnant with Little A and I ate gross things. Five years ago today I was pregnant with Elle and I ate even grosser stuff.
More About: Girl

This is the part where I gross you out
2010-10-07 19:09:00
Sic months out from the c-section and I still have large patches on my abdomen where I have no sensation.  It occurs to me that it would have been really nice if someone had warned me in advance that this can happen.  It's not like I would have refused to get the c-section but it would have been nice to know.  I like to be prepared. Remember when I had gall stones? It was just about the worst pain I've ever had and I've given birth without pain medication.  It only took one gall bladder attack for me to decided I wanted my gall bladder out.  (My recovery from the surgery led to my most popular post ever, loved by both fellow bloggers and random googling poops fetishists alike.) Now I'm not saying I regret having my gall bladder out.  At the time I was suffering there is probably nothing you could have told me about life post-surgery that could have made me change me mind.  I'm just saying, a warning about some of the side effects would have ...
More About: Part

One is the loneliest number
2010-10-05 21:20:00
My dad was in the Air Force my entire childhood.  When I was 17 he had to go to Saudi Arabia for a few months.  When he was there be bought me a pair of gold hoop earrings.  I have worn those earrings nearly every day of my life since I got them. The hoops are nice and small so they don't catch on anything.  They close well so I never worry about them falling out when I shower or sleep.  I never take them out.  In fact, the last time I took them out was the day the twins were born.  I put them right back in as soon as I could that day. This morning I went to take a shower and I realized the earring was missing from my right ear.  I searched all over the bathroom floor and in the clothes I had been wearing.  Then I searched my bed and the floor of my bedroom.  I looked all over my house and in my car.  I can't find the earring anywhere. The kicker is that I'm not even sure when I lost it. I have a nervous habit of playing w...

That's how I roll
2010-09-30 20:00:00
Ladies, what do you do if you're out with your friends and some sleazy guy starts taking video of your group on his cell phone?  How do you handle it when he sits right across from you and aims his camera right up the skirt of the girl you're sitting next to?  I don't know what you do but here's what I do: He didn't much care for me firing off about 20 pictures of him (in fact, there may have been a "bitch" muttered in my general direction) but he stopped taking pictures and videos. This is not the first time I've done this.  It is the first time I've done it to a guy with prison tattoos of his children on his stomach (someone in my group told me he had shown them to her).   I may be a bitch but at least I don't take crap from some badly-tattooed, pubic-hair-beard-having, stained-pants-wearing, scrawny little scuzzballs. 
More About: Roll

This is what you get when I have nothing interesting to talk about
2010-09-28 21:49:00
What's that? My fridge be bad, yo. This amuses me much more that it really should.  No one else is even going to think this is funny.
More About: Interesting , Talk

A breath of fresh air
2010-09-23 01:09:00
"You have to brush your teeth in the morning after you eat because friends don't like it when you blow your breakfast air on them." So sayeth Elle. Four years ago today Elle discovered pay-per-view
More About: Breath , Fresh

You just can't cut the wisdom out of me
2010-09-21 22:54:00
I have a story for you.  It's a story of magic and miracles and wonder and the freaky ass thing that's going on inside my mouth right now. Eight years ago I had my wisdom teeth removed.  It took a long time for the right lower side of my mouth to heal and at a follow up appointment an x-ray showed that I still had a small tooth chip left in my gums.  The oral surgeon promised me that the chip would work it's way out or it would be reabsorbed by the surrounding gum tissue. Eight years come and go.  The chip never came out so I always assumed it was reabsorbed.  It's never brought up by any dentist that I see.  (I change dentists a lot.  I have a massive dentist phobia and I'm always looking for one that I can make an appointment with without feeling like I could vomit from terror.) Yesterday I went to a brand new dentist.  I mentioned that I was having some pain on the right side of my lower jaw.  She looked at my new x-rays and sa...
More About: Wisdom

His last name is Remover
2010-09-17 17:46:00
There is a kid in Elle's preschool class named Stian.  Pronounced Stain. Stian is Norwegian for "wanderer". It is also Hipster for "my parents were too busy patting themselves on the back for coming up with my unusual name to ever take the time to consider how naming me Stian is pretty much like pinning a PLEASE TEASE ME note to the back of my shirt every day for the rest of my life".  Alternative meaning: "Thanks a lot assholes" Edited to add: It's been pointed out to me that perhaps Stian is an old family name.  A tradition.  I respectfully agree that this may be the case but I maintain that some family traditions are better ... not continued.  Family name or not I still think it's a mean thing to do to a kid. Edited to further add: It's been pointed out to me in an email that perhaps I am a huge bitch for making fun of the name Stian.  I respectfully agree that I may be a huge bitch but maintain that not liking the name Stian is not...

And now I'm dead. Because of germs.
2010-09-15 20:59:00
Yesterday I was feeling pretty good about Joseph's no homework situation.  Remember that?  I was all "Yeah bitchez, no homework for us!"  Yesterday I mentally composed some swear word free love thank you notes to his teacher in my head and then I went to pick Joseph up from school. "Hi Mommy!" he said as he got in the car.  "I have homework today!" What?  Homework?  As in work you do at home?  What the hell?  I was told there would be no homework!  No homework!  That was the deal!  It's my fault isn't it?  I gloated too soon about the homework situation.  I should have just kept it to myself.  The universe is punishing me for something isn't it? I'm sorry! Please, powerful homework god!  Forgive me!  I don't want to do homework!  OH NOOOOOEEEESSS! "What kind of homework is it babe?" I cautiously ask. "During dinner time or some other family time we have to have a discussion about germs.&nb...
More About: Dead

I won the 4th grade jackpot
2010-09-14 20:57:00
Let me go on record as stating that I HATE homework.  Sitting down and forcing my kid to do worksheets ranks right up there among my least favorite parenting tasks.  It's torture for both of us.  Joseph has had more homework related meltdowns than I care to try to count. For the past two years Joseph's school has had an hour long after school Homework Club three days a week and that has helped some. He's been able to get most of his homework done there and when he's doing it in a group he thinks of it more as extra time he gets to spend with his friends and less as stupid, pointless busy work that was assigned to him because everyone hates him and no one ever wants him to play video games ever again and OMG HOMEWORK IS EVIL! So Homework Club really helps but this year we might not even need it because, brace yourself for this, Joseph got a teacher that does not assign homework. I almost passed out with joy when I heard the news.  She says that her philosop...

I think I'll keep her
2010-09-13 22:45:00
Today when I picked Elle up from school she was sad because she wanted to stay and eat lunch with her "all day school friends".  To make her happy I took her to lunch at her new favorite place, a fancy burger restaurant right here in town. When we were seated Elle was thrilled when she realized she would have one entire side of the booth all to herself.  I only had to remind her about fifty times to stop bouncing on the seat. She requested that we split an appetizer of meatballs on a stick.  As I was ordering it a straw wrapper flew across the table and hit me in the face.  When I looked up Elle was sitting with her straw in her mouth and shocked look on her face.  I think she surprised herself with her good aim.  I didn't get mad because I'm the one that taught her to do that in the first place. When our meatballs arrived Elle threw up her hands and cheered "Woohoo!  Neatballs!" I cut the meatballs into pieces for Elle.  She decided th...

We'll call them princess crowns
2010-09-10 22:36:00
Every time one of my kids lulls me into thinking I'm a good parent the other one comes along and sucker punches me with a nice big reminder that hahaha, I really don't have this all perfected yet. Joseph is 10 years old and has never had a cavity.  I won't lie - taking him to the dentist office has always been a little bit of a morale boost for me.  I would hear other parents talking about how Little Johnny needed three fillings or how little Suzy had two cavities and I would think "Hey, my kid may not eat anything other than peanut butter sandwiches and he may require hours of therapy a week and he might not be able to write legibly and he might scream at me if he can feel the tag on his shirt but by golly I've got this dental hygiene thing figured out!" I live for the little victories. For a long time it seemed like Elle was going to continue the proud Perfect Teeth tradition.  She loves going to the dentist.  She loves brushing and flossing her teeth an...
More About: Princess , Call

Wiggle room
2010-09-07 23:19:00
(I'm going to break one of my own blog rules here and talk about my family's finances.  I'm torn on what to do and I hope this will provide me some clarity.) As I type this I've got apple butter simmering in the crock pot and bread baking.  My house pretty much smells like magic.  Later I'm going to bake brownies and then the house will become the best smelling house in all the world. As a full time stay-at-home-mom (I don't work in or out of the home at all) I have a lot of time for things like baking bread and canning apple butter and playing Farmville cleaning the house and whatnot.  It's a luxury that I know a lot of people would like but simply can't afford. The only reason we can afford it is because Jesse and I decided a long time ago that it was important to us that our children have a parent home with them full time and that we were willing to go without a lot of extras to make that happen.  We're not able to afford it because we're ric...
More About: Room

For the record, he does not care for it
2010-09-03 19:02:00
I'm finding it harder and harder to write about Joseph these days.  He's an amazing, talented, smart, funny, creative, energetic, enthusiastic, occasionally difficult child and I want to tell the whole world how weird, wild and wonderful he is but I'm holding back.  The older he gets the more it feels like I'm revealing too much when I write about him. It was easy when he was little.  I could say whatever I wanted about him and it was just me, telling cute, funny stories about my cute, funny kid.  Now when I want to talk about him I start to wonder if I'm invading his privacy.  He's ten years old now.  Those cute, funny stories that used to be mine to tell as I pleased are now becoming his stories.  More and more often when I want to talk about him I ask myself "Would he want you to share this?" and more and more often the answer is no. There's other stuff too.  Sometimes I want to vent or work through a particularly difficult episode...
More About: Care , Record

Yes, I know they sell yogurt in stores
2010-09-01 19:57:00
I feel like I'm so busy these days.  This is the last week of summer and it's filled up with doctor appointments, dentist appointments, horseback riding, swimming, babysitting and open houses.  For whatever reason, whenever I'm really busy I feel the need to be even busier.  I have a million things going on this week and somewhere along the way I decided I just wasn't doing enough and I needed to add in cheese making. Oh, I'm joking.  I'm not making cheese.  Today. I'm saving that for tomorrow.  Today's project is yogurt.  Yes, homemade yogurt.  It turns out that's a thing you can do.  Yesterday's project was sauerkraut and that's sitting on my kitchen cupboard right now and it's stinking up the whole joint.  Urban homesteading is pretty cool but it does lead to some interesting smells. That's about all that's new with me other than today at the dentist's office I nearly blinded a woman while trying out the flashlig...
More About: Yogurt , Sell , Stores

All of the swag, none of the drag
2010-08-26 21:53:00
Remember when I was all "Wah!  I'm never going to Blogher because it's scary and blah blah blah no one cares!"?  Like, two seconds after I published that post it occured to me that if I never go to Blogher then I will never get any swag.  Sad!  But then look what came in the mail today!  Specifically tiny tape measure* mice from Stimey!  You know, when you arrange them like that their little tape measure mouths make sort of unfortunate symbol.  I'm not sure exactly what message Stimey was trying to send me with her little Glenn Beck Nazi mice but I'm not sure I care for it. Luckily the mice are cute when they're separated.  Even when they're cradled in my giant, pale, potato-like man hands.  Plus, every time I use one I'll be reminded to visit Stimey for all my quirk and quirk related accessories. Since we got four mice everyone in our family got to name one.  Elle named hers Mousy but she's going to call it Jerry.&nbs...
More About: Drag

Where in the hell is my dad?
2010-08-24 17:38:00
If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that I'm pretty much an open book.  There's not a whole lot about myself that I won't talk about.  There is one area where I've always held back though.  Oh, don't pretend you don't know what I'm taking about.  I know that you've read my blog and thought to yourself "Well that's a great story about her cervix and all but why hasn't she ever talked about ... you know, that thing she never talks about?" You're in luck folks. Today is the day I break down that final barrier. Today is the day ... I post a video ... of my dad ... dancing. It's a parody of the Where In The Hell Is Matt? videos that the college my dad works at put together for student orientation.  If you want to get right to the best part skip to 3:39 to see my dad. He's the one who stops dancing to point at the car.  Not even his job (which pays him and requires him to do things) could force him to dance for three seconds in a...

Thanks for making me hate the internet, Internet Guy
2010-08-20 23:19:00
So I just had a real fun exchange with a guy (on freaking facebook of all places) with a guy pretty much accused me of needing counseling to deal with my sexual attraction to children and then kind of suggesting that I should be in prison maybe.  I'm not going to go into the specifics of the argument but suffice it to say that the guy is a) totally wrong b) a complete douchebag c) probably projecting some of his own weird issues onto me.  (Just so we're totally clear here, the attraction he was talking about?  All made up in his head.  He wasn't remarking on something I actually did, he was just making stuff up and then slamming me for it.) Sometimes I float along thinking the internet is a nice, cozy, happy place.  It's like a beautiful house that you're comfortable in and that you love and then you look over in the corner and there's a crazy person shitting on your brand new rug and even though you try to ignore it, it's A LOT of shit and you just ...
More About: Internet , Hate , The Internet

I need to talk to you about this pressing issue
2010-08-18 00:02:00
There's a lot I would like to discuss with you right now.  Prop 8 being struck down only not really but kind of sort of.  The horribly blown out of proportion and over-dramatized "Ground Zero mosque".  You know, really important issues.  I'll get to that stuff some other time because right now there's something I need to talk about that I just cannot put off any longer.  So here it is... Teresa  Giudice. She's like, a living, breathing Neanderthal right?  Because there's no way a fully evolved human being is sporting that hairline.  And I'm not even knocking her.  I think that hairline is great for distracting people from her sloping forehead and freakishly wide set eyes.  I'm just asking because I have only seen one or two episodes of the show but if I had known that Bravo was going to do an Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer crossover I probably would have started watching a long time ago. Three years ago today I took the worst flig...
More About: Talk

I'll probably delete this once I cool off
2010-08-16 20:43:00
Dear president of the company my husband works for, There's something you should know about my husband.  He's a really good employee.  He's knowledgeable, dedicated to his job and eager to do what he can for the good of the company.  He's hard working.  It is not unusual at all for him to bring home work or to go in early or stay late or even to go in to the office on a weekend.  He doesn't like that he loses time with his family but he does all that because he cares about his job and because he knows that in this economy he can't afford to not put in time beyond the 40 hour work week. Here's something else you should know about my husband.  He is NOT your personal IT guy.  You should not be calling our house during dinner time to ask questions about your personal computer.  You should not ask him to come to your house so that he can repair your virus riddled computer.  You should most certainly NOT be hainvg your personal assista...
More About: Cool

How we spent our Wednesday afternoon
2010-08-11 23:49:00
Splash pad!
More About: Afternoon

Confessions of a lazy housewife
2010-08-11 03:35:00
Raise your hand if you've ever had a dirty glass (or plate or serving utensil) that just wouldn't come clean so you left it in the dishwasher for load after load.  Raise the other hand if you finally just gave up and threw it away.
More About: Confessions

The great pumpkin
2008-05-09 19:26:00
Yesterday for the first time ever I tried pulling all of Elle 's hair back into a ponytail. She stood so nice and still as I brushed her hair back and secured it with a rubber band.That ponytail was really something to behold. It was a small cluster of gently cascading golden red curls. Beautiful. Then she turned around.And her face looked like a pumpkin.Sigh. My poor giant headed girl.
More About: Great , Pumpkin

How many of your friends have seen your vagina?
2008-05-08 14:38:00
I sent my friend Jen a text today that said "can you call me when you get a chance? I have a question about my period" Before I even had a chance to think about how lame/weird it is that I'm 31 years old and I still have questions about my period, my phone rang. It took her about four seconds to call me back after getting my text. In addition to being a nurse/midwife she really enjoys answering people's stupid questions about their periods. And she's just a really good friend.After answering my period question (which I will not be going into here because I like to be able to pretend that there's a line I won't cross when it comes to revealing every little thing about my body functions) she said "If you're still concerned about it you can come in. I've got a couple of open spots tomorrow."Uh. No. Thank you, but no.See, I first met Jen when she was covering OB appointments for my regular doctor when he was off delivering a baby. I saw her a few times throughout my pregnancy so ...
More About: Friends , Vagina

The horror
2008-05-06 14:29:00
I guess I can't watch my kids watch Nickelodeon anymore. If I do I risk seeing one of their new ads about how they're going to be playing ET coming on some date coming soon but I can't even pay attention because I'm too busy silently screaming in terror.Some people think ET is "lovable" or "cute". I think he's "the stuff nightmares are made of". My parents tell me that after I saw ET (as a wee tyke of 5) I cried all the way out of the theater. They probably thought that was because I was sad ET went home. They were wrong. I was crying because I knew that creepy, bug-eyed little monster was going to haunt me for the rest of my life.For the past 26 years I have lived with the fear that ET is hiding under my bed. Yes, I still have that fear today. I'm convinced that if I leave any part of my body hanging over or off the bed at night ET will reach up and touch me with his glowing finger. And if I look to see what touched me he'll be right there, inches away from me, staring at me...
More About: Horror

Crazy, party of one
2008-05-05 22:11:00
Have I completely and totally lost my mind? I think I have. I am seriously considering getting licensed to do foster care again. I told myself after we adopted Joseph that I was done with foster care, that I didn't want to deal with the screwy system and the whacked out parents ever again. So why am I feeling this pull to do it again? Because I'm crazy?Speaking of crazy and foster care and all that jazz, I have been playing with the idea of typing up the story of how Joseph came to be with us and sharing it here on my blog. Is that the sort of thing anyone would be interested in hearing?
More About: Party , Crazy

Chocolate haze
2008-05-02 17:31:00
If you were to offer me chocolate right now I would turn it down. I know! How crazy is that? But it's true. My mom and I went to a chocolate/wine/food tasting thingie last night and ate more chocolate than should be allowed by law. It was like something out of a dream. A beautiful chocolate dream. You didn't even know where to start because everywhere you looked there were plates of chocolate cake, brownies, fudge, truffles, cookies, pies, chocolate covered fruit and more. When you got tired of chocolate there were stuffed mushrooms (for people who enjoy eating fungus) bacon wrapped shrimp (for people who enjoy eating pure heaven on a toothpick) meat and cheese trays, huge blocks of gourmet cheese and more. Plus, there was wine.It was insane.So I got my fill of chocolate. I think I'm still crashing from a major sugar buzz. I'm also dealing with a wicked cold so all I really want to do today is crawl back into bad and sleep. No luck for me though because very shortly Joseph has a...
More About: Chocolate , Haze