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Paper thin
2008-06-09 04:26:00
My daddy is such a shell of who he used to be. He is so frail. So fragile.His feelings have always been frail and fragile. He would be wounded if I chose to spend the night at a friend's house instead of staying home with him on a Friday night. Paper thin skin.Now, his whole being is paper thin. His belt holds up his jeans only because it rests on his hip bones. Kissing his cheek feels like pressing my lips up to a piece of slate. Hugging him means hugging myself too after I have already wrapped your arms around him once.He says things that are irrelevant. The once lightening quick trial lawyer thought processes have been detoured by disease. It is almost more heartbreaking when he catches himself and tells you to "disregard what I just said." I might rather him not realize it.Distances and spacial relations are confused. He goes upstairs to bed because he always had before they moved into a ranch. He sometimes still lives in Mississippi or California. It stings my soul when he for...
More About: Parkinson , Daddy , Grief

The house with many trees
2008-06-08 04:25:00
Guy and I found a house that we both love.Just for fun, I had him click through the pictures tonight so that I could tell him which rooms could have a Christmas tree in them and which rooms couldn't.We got up to four trees before he became totally annoyed at me and ended my fun.I have to have some fun with this. The process completely stresses me out.I've lived in Raleigh for 10 years now. It feels like home. My roots have dug in deep here.But this house? Two trees, and that's pushing it. So I'm willing to think about it.
More About: Holidays , House , My Life , Trees , The House

Wondertime Winners
2008-06-07 19:06:00
Using a list randomizer at random.org, I have come up with two winners in the Wondertime magazine giveaway.They are WkSocMom and Liz.Congratulations, ladies!If you will email me with your addresses, I'll start your subscriptions this week.Thanks to everyone who entered and to those who also linked to it as well. This was fun. Maybe we'll do more!
More About: Winners

Home Sweet Lord Almighty What Happened to Our Home?
2008-06-07 03:56:00
Our neighborhood has gone wonky.As I returned home from my daily venture to Target to pick up the one thing I forgot to get the day before, I noticed that the house on the right with the window treatments that come in full, queen, and king sizes, had planted flowers by their mailbox. Lovely red flowers. Lovely red carnation flowers. Lovely red carnation plastic flowers in perfect groups of five to a plastic green stem.Right across the street from that house is a rental house. Vacant and neglected, the front door was littered with yellow notices from the City of Raleigh. Mow your lawn or we'll do it for you and charge you out the nose.It seems that more and more houses in our neighborhood are becoming rental property. The only problem with that is the renters. We aren't getting families, we are getting groups of single people. Young, loud single people who have lots of cars and like to park them on the street and in their lawns.Last night, I was having a hard time getting Bird to g...
More About: Home , My Life , Sweet , Almighty , Lord

BlogHer '08
2008-06-05 16:07:00
Don't forget to drop a comment on the "Wondertime" post. The more comments there are, the more subscriptions I will give away. Even the comments that aren't necessarily entries count, so come on by before midnight tonight!********Plane ticket? Check. Hotel reservation? Check.BabyHawk ordered? Check.BlogHer registration completed? Check.Little Bird is going to BlogHer. And so am I. And so is my momma.San Fransisco is a long way from Raleigh. A long, long, long way. I had decided that it was too much for me to try and attend BlogHer again this year.But then breastfeeding got easier. Bird and I started clicking better. He learned how to enjoy riding in different types of slings and wraps. I started getting more confident.And then then, I realized that Susan would be there this year. Not just attending, but speaking too.Last year, Susan didn't go to BlogHer. Instead, she started chemotherapy. The rest of that is her story, and if you don't know it, you should go and read it.And...

Family friends
2008-06-04 15:15:00
A week from Sunday, Guy and I will have our son baptized.My mother, who is a Presbyterian minister, will stand up in front of our church and baptize her newest grandson. I prayed a long time that she would be able to do this.I don't have a lot of family really. The relatives that we went to visit in Georgia over Easter don't travel. I invited the cousin who is my age to come up and see us, and he proclaimed that he doesn't go north of the South Carolina border.My daddy's brother is not too far away, but we aren't close, and I don't think he would come.My brother and his family require two minivans and a vacation notice from God himself to get to go anywhere. Apparently, if he leaves town, the church where he works will most certainly fall completely apart. The committee structure will crumble, members will flee to the nearest Pentecostal gathering, and the church building will fall into a sinkhole that leads straight to hell.Seriously. They won't let him ever leave. Their rea...
More About: Church , Family , Friends , Bird , Momma

Wondertime
2008-06-03 16:01:00
I have a new favorite magazine. I like it so much that I sent it to two of my friends after I got my first copy in the mail.Maybe you already know about it. It's called Wondertime. The tag line is "celebrate your child's love of learning."I'll save the review of the magazine for Props and Pans (where it's been sitting in my drafts folder for entirely too long. Sorry, Emily!), but for now, I would like to give something back to y'all. The people that read these words.The people who have helped me through some tough times. The people who overlooked my lack of grace and my sometimes plain stupidity.So here it is. My first giveaway.I would like to give away a subscription of Wondertime to one of you fabulous readers.And because I know that a give away tends to lure in more comments than usual, I'll up the anty.If we can get 25 different commenters, then I'll give away 2 subscriptions.If there are 40 different commenters, then I'll give away 3 subscriptions.So leave me a comment...
More About: Friends , Gratitude

I want you to want me
2008-06-03 04:22:00
This weekend, we packed up Bird 's cradle and put it into storage. He doesn't use it anymore. He hasn't used it in weeks.I still got a little weepy at seeing it go.It surprised me, the twang I felt at seeing the first big symbol of babydom being outgrown. I didn't think I would mind.You see, I haven't been one of those mothers who relishes in the babyness of it all. While I enjoy the baby, I love snuggling with the baby, and I think the baby is awesome, I'm totally looking forward to when Bird and I can have a conversation.I'm really excited about when we can walk through the Museum of Life and Science, holding hands and talking about what we see.Don't get me wrong. He is completely adorable, laying here kickypantings and grabbing at his daddy's leg hair. I do love watching him figure things out. I think it's incredible how he changes from day to day and week to week.But I didn't think I would be sad to see the baby go.I am. Just a little.Until I realize that this weekend...

I spy me
2008-06-02 16:24:00
I have a website for my music studio. It is rinky, but serves it's purpose. There is a sitemeter on it, just like there is on my blog. I like to know who is stopping by and how they found me.The thing about my studio website is that you find it by Googling my name. Enter my name, and it's the first item up for bid.Scanning through the sitemeter information this morning, I found that there are people in cities I didn't know I knew people in Googling me. My maiden name is not that common, and if you Google it, the only hits are actually me, so I'm thinking they aren't looking for someone else.Then I see cities where people who used to be my friends live.And I wonder what they are doing, still looking for me. Still thinking about me. Having cut me out of their lives, why search? What exactly is it you are looking for?Do you wonder if I'm happy? Do you wonder if I remarried? Do you wonder if I finally got to become a mother?Or is it the opposite? Do you wonder if I'm miserable? D...
More About: My Life

Haiku Baby Blues
2008-05-30 18:22:00
Baby blue eyes baby blueI could drown in themJump willingly in too deep.
More About: Baby , Blues , Haiku , Bird , Baby Blues

You could call me gullible
2008-05-30 15:37:00
I trust people. Sometimes that is one of my good traits. Sometimes it is one of my downfalls.Yesterday I had a face to face with the boy who was supposed to take care of my dogs last weekend. I explained to him how I didn't understand how he could have been in the house and not smelled anything. I explained to him how if the dogs were being fed then there should have been no food left in their containers - that was why I left instructions how to pick up more just in case he needed it.I told him how the floors could be replaced, but that my heart was broken thinking about how hungry and neglected my dogs were last weekend. I told him how disappointed I was that he had let me down.At that point, I thought that he was going to cry. He looked straight at me, never glanced away, and said with very watery eyes, that he promised he had fed them and played with them. He promised that they got let out and got their medicines. He said he was really sorry about the floors. Very very sorry.I ...
More About: Random Thoughts , Call , Pups

Bird's new wheels
2008-05-27 13:18:00
Bird got a new toy this weekend. I ordered it for him three months ago, but it just now became available, which is alright because he would have been too little for it before now.It's a convertible.Guy drives a little hard top convertible that he loves. I have grown accustomed to it, but didn't like it at first. It's too small. I get claustrophobic in it. I do love looking at it from the outside when Guy pulls up in the driveway with the top down, waving at us on the stoop. He looks good in it.Bird's convertible is not as fast as his daddy's, but he looks just as good in it. See for yourself:He has taken a few steps in it, but mainly he just likes to play with the steering wheel and rearview mirror. He probably won't earn a speeding ticket for another month or two.Here's the thing. That sticker that you can see on the side there? A close up for you:Are you kidding? The walker is a stair hazard? Dadgum. That means that some parent somewhere let their child play with this at th...
More About: Bird , Wheels

Stupid rotten weekend end
2008-05-27 03:16:00
Mastitis is mean.Now that Bird and I are finally nursing like a team, we've switched our nighttime feedings to the side lying position. I was getting more sleep at night, he was enjoying sleeping right up next to me, and all seemed to be good.Unfortunately, the side lying position leaves me with clogged ducts by the morning. Twice now, these clogged ducts have developed into mastitis before I can get them unclogged.It hurts. I get a fever. It feels like the flu, and it feels like someone kicked me in the boob really hard. I don't like it.That was the first half of the weekend. The second half of the weekend consisted of Guy getting a ticket in my Jeep because I totally forgot to renew the registration. It was due in January. I was a little preoccupied and never got around to it. It couldn't be me that got the ticket though, it had to be him. Fair.Topping it all off? I got one of my high school students to come take care of the dogs while we were away a few nights. I was paying hi...
More About: Stupid , Weekend , Pups , Rotten

I should be shushed
2008-05-20 04:21:00
See this? This is a happy, laughing baby. This is my happy laughing baby. This is what I get to hang out with for most of the day.There is another side to him though. Something new has transpired.Bird hates to go to sleep.I know when he is getting sleepy. He makes it very obvious. When the signs occur, we move to his nursery, I swaddle him, and we either walk or rock until he is out. Sometimes we nurse to sleep.Since Friday though? As soon as he realizes that I'm about to swaddle and walk him? He breaks out into panicked wailing. It escalates to a wail-gasp-wail-gasp frenzy faster than I can shush and walk.I rub his little head. I kiss his cheek. I shush him in his ear. I hold him tightly so he can't flail. I rock him. I walk him. I sway with him.He screams.Tonight? I yelled at him. I yelled "stop" and I yelled his name. I would like to say that I had to yell to be heard over him. That would be true, except that deep down, I know I yelled out of frustration. It did get his attenti...

My family. I love saying that.
2008-05-19 03:42:00
I love them so much that just looking at this picture makes me burst into tears while simultaneously feeling like the corners of my mouth are going to split wide open up to my ears from smiling so much.It should be noted that about an hour after this picture was taken, Bird had the biggest diaper blow out to date all over his daddy's good shirt and pants. Of course.
More About: Family , Love , Gratitude , My Family

Because most people hate George Crumb
2008-05-18 18:34:00
One more gig is history.My calendar is dotted with gigs in the past and in the future. Good gigs. Gigs with the North Carolina Symphony. Gigs in front of 10,000 people. Gigs that get filmed for television. Gigs that take me to little places in the state that I wouldn't see otherwise.There is a build up to each one. The anticipation and preparation that come with making sure everything is ready for that call time are a huge rush for me. Some people get nervous, I get excited.I love the focus that I feel from sound check onto the stage. It is when I feel most capable.Last night, I had another gig where we were backed up by an orchestra. We used the two arrangements I did in 2004 and I also scored two new ones. It is an opportunity that most "pop" musicians don't get, and I'm grateful for it.It's interesting, how the orchestra musicians treat "the band." Even though I have a lot of the same training that they do and have a Bachelor of Music in composition, they look down their fret...
More About: People , My Life , Hate , George

Had to change the title of this one
2008-05-16 20:05:00
This summer, we will head to the beach with Whymommy and her family. For a celebration. Not a goodbye. I cannot put into words how thankful I am for that.Susan has always been my "see it from a different perspective" friend. The friend who makes me think outside of my box.In high school, my box was very very tiny, so that wasn't a hard thing. One foot in either direction had me reeling outside of my box. She was very patient with my tiny little private school mind.Over the years, we have talked, traveled, cried (but not much because we are oh so strong women who really need to get more comfortable with a tissue), laughed, and learned together. She lasted in the learning part far past I did. I bored easily with school, and she tackled it with a vengeance.She was on the same trip to Mexico which generated the most embarrassing story of my entire life. And she still loves me. I don't know why.She read my angst filled, totally rhyming poetry in high school. And she still loves me.She ...
More About: Friends , Cancer , Change , Gratitude , Title

Night night Little Bird
2008-05-13 04:38:00
I sleep to the hisses and hums of a baby monitor now. It seems too soon to have my son in the next room, his own room, in a big crib all by himself. I miss him.Truth be told, he sleeps better. He sleeps longer. And Guy and I have some time together after he goes down for the night. It is working for us.There are still some nights when he wakes up an hour later and I bring him back into our bed. He fell asleep between us last night with his arm thrown up onto my chest. His face was still nestled into my breast and he slipped back into his little baby dreamland by giving up a shaky, nasally sigh.Tomorrow night, Guy will be away for work again. Instead of nervous, this time I am a little excited that Bird and I will have a slumber party. We can climb into bed as early as we like and snuggle up.I thought we would be co-sleepers for much longer. In a way, we still are. Bird stays with us after he nurses the first time in the night.But putting him to bed now means that I lay him in his cr...
More About: Night

Mr. Richard's unwavering curiosity
2008-05-11 15:50:00
It's not even 10:00 AM and I've already had my Mother's Day card, present, and breakfast. Gone are the days when a celebratory breakfast didn't even dream of starting until after CBS Sunday Morning.Bird was a very sweet boy and got me a card and a trip to the Aveda Spa. Smart little guy.We tried to go to the Farmer's Market for breakfast, but they weren't open yet. That's how early we were out and about this morning. Making the most of Bird's awake time.Instead, we ate at the iHop near the college campus here in town. Usually it is slammed on a Sunday morning, but we learned that it's still pretty empty at 7:00.Our waiter was a ridiculously friendly man whose nametag read "Mr. Richard." He cooed over Christopher, commented on our sling, and asked how much he weighed at birth.In fact, he had many questions about his birth and other things. Throughout our breakfast, he asked:"Was it a difficult birth?""Did it take you a long time?""How much did you dilate on your own?""Why di...
More About: Random Thoughts , Curiosity

Daily melting
2008-05-11 03:15:00
Today, Christopher and I lay on a blanket in the front yard and looked at the clouds while Guy put up our new mailbox. I propped up on my elbow and looked down at my son. He looked up at me and laughed.He laughed and laughed and laughed.His daddy makes him laugh every night. After his bath, Christopher lies on the bed and his daddy snarfs on his belly, making him squeal in delight and laugh his little head off.He hadn't laughed with me though.He talks to me. He smiles at me. He coos at me and reaches out for me. But he hadn't laughed yet.Today, I looked down at my son on the quilt that so many friends put together for me and my heart melted into complete and total unconditional love for this little boy. Melted all over again, just like it does at some point everyday.
More About: Daily , Friends , Bird

Shout out
2008-05-09 03:36:00
Just a little shout out to Wife #1's little sister who is reading this blog from her state government office in Greensboro.Hope I'm not boring you.
More About: Shout

Who exhumed Kathie Lee and put her back on TV?
2008-05-08 03:14:00
Heather doesn't need another person defending her. I'm sure she can stand her own ground just fine. Plus, there are plenty of us out there who love her, and I'm sure she is used to the occasional rude person.So I won't defend her. She does it quite well with this beautiful post.However.Kathie Lee Gifford is a complete git.Her "interview" of Heather on the Today show this morning was the worst excuse of journalism I've ever seen. Even for a morning news show.Starting out by bragging about how little she know about computers and how she doesn't even know what a blog is? That is just plain rude when you are interviewing a blogger. She should have done her homework and found out what a blog is. She should have pretended to have some knowledge on the subject.Instead? She stumbled around a few questions, barely let Heather answer them, and then interjected her unfounded reservations about how Heather blogs about her daughter and posts her pictures.It might have had some semblance of...
More About: Back

I'm friends with her ex
2008-05-02 16:22:00
Bird and I went downtown yesterday. We went to close a safety deposit box, to vote early, and to go up to the floor where my old office is and visit people. He was a big hit, of course, and I got to eat lunch with a friend who I see far too infrequently.My friend and her husband have been talking about selling their house and moving closer into the city. They have been talking about this for years, actually. I asked her how the house hunt was going and she had a story to tell me.They had been to an open house in the neighborhood of a couple who my ex and I went to church with. Turns out, Ann was at the open house with her two boys and recognized my friend. At first, they couldn't place where they knew each other from, but finally figured out that it was through parties at my old house when I was married previously.My friend mentioned to Ann that I had just had a little boy.At this point, it would be interesting to note that when I was married to my ex, I spent more time with Ann an...
More About: Divorce , Friends , My Life

Maybe they are for your Barbies
2008-05-01 15:57:00
I'm linking to a post that is a month old, but what can I say? I'm behind on a lot of my blog reading.Doesn't matter though. This is the funniest thing I've read in awhile. Made me actually snort out loud.It also reminded me very much of myself some days. There was this one time that Guy and I were in Target in the outdoors section. On the top shelf, there was a row of tiny tents and tiny sleeping bags.I made the mistake of saying something out loud that I had thought in my head for a long time. I said, "What are those tiny tents for anyway? I mean, who really needs a tent that tiny?"Guy just looked at me in horror as he realized that he had fallen for a true ditz.All it took was the expression on his face and the words, "Um, honey, nobody uses those tents, they are for display," and I got whiplash being yanked back into the world of people who aren't idiots.Me and Unkempt Mommy can just go hang out in our land of tiny tents where there are no bowling pins allowed.

It's the World Beer Festival, Baby
2008-05-01 04:06:00
This past weekend was the World Beer Festival here in our hometown. A city square was fenced in and a couple hundred different brewers were present to pass out 2 ounces samples of their craft. Guy and I were interested in going, but not motivated to do so.Not motivated, that is, until Boo called Saturday evening and offered us 2 tickets to go that night. Turns out it was $40 per person to get in, and they had 2 tickets that were going to go unused. We couldn't let that happen.I strapped on the Moby and we headed downtown with Bird.Yes, we took our 3 month old son to the World Beer Festival. We've both been to beer festivals before, and they were civilized events with a few drunk people here and there. Because really? It's completely lame to get plastered on 2 ounces of beer at a a time.Little did we know, the people in our town are lame. And going to a beer festival in Europe? Slightly different than going to one here.It was a drunk fest. As we made our way through the tent, some...
More About: Baby , My Life

Three months is a lifetime
2008-04-28 00:00:00
Christopher is 3 months old now. It his lifetime in its entirety, but it feels like that is when my life started too. Becoming a mother hasn't been a graceful transition for me, but my boys have been very patient, and I feel like we are totally over the hump now.Yesterday he weighed 13 pounds, 13 ounces and was 25 1/2 inches long. Here are some pictures of my little man to help you reach your cuteness quota of the day.
More About: Lifetime , Bird , Months

Because I'm not that important really
2008-04-26 18:41:00
So I've been thinking a lot about this blogging thing, and I've decided to stay put. Too many wonderful things have come from it, and I don't want to take everything down and start over again.They are my words. My thoughts. Shared here because it's something that I enjoy.Besides, Andria is right. She would just find it again anyway, and I'm not going to switch to an invitation only format. There are too many of you that I don't know who are here, and I'm glad you are.The bottom line is that it's not my responsibility to change Wife #1, nor do I want to. She is an adult that makes her own decisions. Lovely is her daughter and she chooses to treat her however she wants to treat her.My blog has nothing to do with that. If it weren't the blog, it would be something else. Apparently there is some deep need to know as much as she can about what is going on in our lives, and even without my words as information, she would be grilling Lovely like she is now.There is the off chance ...

Here's the can and there are worms everywhere
2008-04-24 16:43:00
I have always read mommyblogs. The first two that I started reading were Kristen and Zoot. From there, I just followed links and made my way through the mommyblogosphere finding other blogs that I liked as well.I wasn't a mommy then. I wasn't even pregnant.After several months of blogging for me, my friend Bach, and Susan, I did get pregnant. Somewhere along the lines, other people started reading here, and when I had my miscarriage, out came the comments of support from people I didn't even know were there. I soon discovered sitemeter and technorati and the fact that there is a whole community of bloggers who can become your friends.Now that I am a mommy, I find myself at a loss for words in this space. I've talked extensively about breastfeeding, and it was extremely helpful to have everyone supporting me through that. I wouldn't still be nursing today without it.But really, I don't know what else to say anymore. I'm not sure I can find my voice as a blogger who has become ...
More About: Worms

Weeeee-nors, as my brother would call them
2008-04-23 22:19:00
I held a couple of contests a million years ago. You might not even remember. One was the "Bird Pool." The other was the "Guess how big my knockers are going to get."Thrilling, I know.The long awaited announcement is before you.Katy, who I'm assuming is the wonderful Katy from Mom22Teens is the winner of the Bird Pool. She was eerily accurate. Much more so than even my Turkish psychic friend. Katy, if you will email me, I'll send you a lovely Sirius radio as your prize. You have to activate it, but if you do, it might give you access to the outside world unheard of in your land of dial up and mountains. Hee hee.The winner of the Boob Pool is Stephanie from Lawyer Mama. She has probably forgotten that she even rendered a guess, but she was pretty close. My nursing bras have settled in at a lovely 38H. WooHoo! Stephanie, if you will email me, I'll send you the Pennyrich Bra Patch t-shirt I promised.Thus endeth the contests. Congratulations, ladies, and thank you to everyone who par...
More About: Call , Brother , My Brother

The baby who doesn't sleep
2008-04-23 04:14:00
Here he is. Mr. Kickypants. Mr. I Need No Sleep Baby . Stinkybottomus. Squirtapottomus. Mr. Bippy. Sir Kicks-a-Lot.Bird .I love him.