The Broken MindThe Broken MindThoughts that lie buried- too passionate, too intense, too aware for daily life. Articles
Start Anew
2007-11-23 12:43:00 I don't know why I'm creating this blog. I'm maintaining 2 other blogs besides. I think I just want the power to customize my blog. It's a different thing when I can choose what my blog will look like.---And you weren't there. I don't expect to see you ever again. More About: Start
Merger
2007-05-12 14:42:00 I didn't cut last night. I have a pack of cutter blade refills handy, but I didn't cut. I didn't cut. I'm so happy I didn't cut. But now, it's getting lonely again... and I'm pressured... It's happening.God, save me from myself.And he told me that I made him go crazy... he would write my name on his exam papers as the answer to everything. He was in love with me for 4 years straight and I made him go ballistic because I didn't care. And he never forgot my birthday. Every year, I get a candle outside my window and a cake. Every.fucking.year. And he kept the little nothings I had written in his wallet for 4 years. And I didn't give a shit. Truth be told, I was afraid of him. And he banged his head against the bathroom wall when he heard something nasty about me. I knew he loved me. I knew it and it scared me to hell. It scared me to hell that someone could love me like that. And it was forbidden to say my name in front of him because he'd go ballistic. Everyone knew t... More About: Merger , Merge
Fanatic
2007-02-10 00:29:00 Lately, I feel as if I'm wandering around, just vaguely aware of what I'm doing. No, it's not like I'm floating. It's more like I feel like there is a screen between me and my body. I don't have concrete memories of things I've been doing lately. I remember them somewhat, but they're not as real to me.Strange. Weird. Scary.And yet strangely, it's saving me day by day.---Thesis isn't done.I'm flunking Organic Chemistry.I wonder if I'll make it. If I do, it's Bora time.But if I don't...I don't want to wonder just yet on what I'll do.I feel numb mostly. I don't know if I'm lonely or if I just want to be alone.---I gave Tinkerbelly a bath yesterday and I used strawberry shampoo.Now she's like a soft, fat, fluffy tube that grabs french fries from my hand.
A Novel Conundrum
2007-02-06 15:54:00 On most days, it amuses me how far charisma blinds and binds people.From Hitler to Jonestown to... where we are right now.Someone has mastered the most crucial of the 48 Laws of Power: work on the minds and hearts of others. Poets are good at this, the book says, because they use mental imagery to evoke compassion and loyalty.I'm not surprised that Hitler was an excellent painter or that Hannibal Lecter is a poet.Dante's first sonnet in La Vita Nuova depicts the lady Beatrice eating Dante's heart out of Love's hands and feeling utter terror. It doesn't surprise me either.That's all it takes. That's all it ever took. More About: Novel , Drum
O Sole Mio
2007-02-05 08:36:00 I had the chance to go confession to Father Roche, SJ (a.k.a. "Papa Roche"). He told me a story about a great sculptor who was permanently paralyzed because of a car accident. Unable to sculpt anymore, he resolved to starve himself to death...Fr. Roche: "Love is not about what you can give to the beloved, love is about loving the beloved regardless of who you are. It is the complete opposite of self-love."---Poet's Obligation (Deber del Poeta)by Pablo NerudaTo whoever is not listening to the seathis Friday morning, to whoever is cooped upin house or office, factory or womanor street or mine or harsh prison cell;to him I come, and, without speaking or looking,I arrive and open the door of his prison,and a vibration starts up, vague and insistent,a great fragment of thunder sets in motionthe rumble of the planet and the foam,the raucous rivers of the ocean flood,the star vibrates swiftly in its corona,and the sea is beating, dying and continuing. So, drawn on by my destiny,I ceaseles... More About: Sole
Suntok sa Buwan
2007-02-03 01:12:00 The outcome is inevitable and yetI trudge feebly on as ifThere was actual hope.The foreshadowed rejection is so concrete that I cannot help but lament even before I begin.
Musicals, Lingering and Frostbite
2007-01-31 12:35:00 Wicked The Music al. This picture shows Elphaba and Fiyero.Where are the blue diamonds on Fiyero's skin? He's supposed to be a Winkie .---I'm in dire need of a valediction.I need to learn how to say "fuck off, asshole."I also need to learn when to feel happy.Or, "kailangan mo lang ng boyfriend," as my brother so intelligently put it.I don't think so. My mind needs to stop working in all the wrong ways. I need...help. More About: Musical , Musica , Ring , Linger
[edit]
2007-01-29 11:40:00 According to the guidance office, I'm very introverted, "highly intelligent in a very different way," "the way you see the world, or the way you think is different."("Which is why you don't agree with me when I tell you you're intelligent, because you think intelligence is measured in the conventional sense. There is no test to measure yours.")That's new.But this isn't: I'm also very depressed, anxious and... (drumroll) "unstable."And the last interesting bit is this: "you have trouble distinguishing between real and imagined failure and rejection."---I pray for the strength to pursue my passions. More About: Edit
Cerrulean
2007-01-27 16:20:00 I'm having my immersion, and I'm too overwhelmed to even begin to write about it. So I won't (for the meantime.)---I can feel.I do not know what it is I am looking for, but I want you to stay. I don't know who you are. You could be anyone and everyone. I have no clue. And maybe I don't know any better.---I look normal. I know I don't even look like I have a problem.But I do.There is hell in my head and I'm shrinking away to a corner, trying to find my way out. I'm really screaming for help but I am maimed. I'm trying to tell you things that I desperately need you to know but I have lost the capacity to articulate so much grief. No more memoriesNo more silent tearsNo more gazing acrossThe wasted years. More About: Lean , Rule
Crumbly
2007-01-25 15:07:00 I'm lost.It's so sad to not even begin to expound on this condition. Why? It is a prerequisite that there is a self that actually does the expounding. And I don't have that, or I don't know that.I don't know who I am, or what I'm doing here, or what it is I am supposed to find.(I simplify my words to evoke the most primitive of heartaches.)
Pitstop to Abismo de la Creacion
2007-01-24 12:20:00 I'm tired of struggling. I need to learn how to accept gray areas. I always see things in black and white. Weeeee, checkboards everywhere and I'm stuck in 1920.And I must stop making associations between things. I think I saw my friend today, and I confirmed it was her because I saw the way the fingers curved slightly on the steering wheel.Is it really so bad, I ask myself, to see glass on spilled sand? Or phantoms swirling into view on the marble floors you always knew? And to detect in the choice of words (it is the nouns that give you away) irritability, a smile, a mourning for yet another way to live?My head wants to explode from all these calamities, and they're never the right calamities. Little calamities of everything (yes, I tell you, everything) that no one will want to listen to. Not even me. And yet, they're too strong for me to push away. Biblioteca de la Real Acedemia de la Lengua MadridSee? How can I not find this awe-inspiring?How can one keep from sighing?"Bu... More About: Stop
TearJerky
2007-01-23 13:27:00 I am lost and disenchanted,Dying excommunicatedfrom my own point of view.---So I attempt to cheer myself up by zig-zaging like crazy across the internet, and what to I find? These:1. Fine. I confess I searched this one.2. Ignorance is Bliss3. The Science is Clear: Marriage Should Be Eradicated---My eyes now know how dried and salted fish (tuyo) feels like. Amazing. More About: Tear , Jerk
Me Talk Pretty One Day
2007-01-22 16:13:00 I don't know why I'm suddenly noticing how long other people have been together. Perhaps partly because it astounds me. I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to just give myself over to somebody... because there are so many things that catch my attention. And I can be feverishly obsessed about an idea, a philosophy, a color.On the other hand, my intensity of focus in relationships means that you can bring me to a satellite in outer space, then a single word would send me tumbling back to my ravine. I mean it.---And the wind cries out your name,And we search for clues, win or lose,In this we're all the same,The hope still burns eternal,We're the keeper of the flame.---Here I go again, daydreaming my way out of nightmares.---Mocking what I said, when it took so goddamn long to simply tell you that you don't understand me and that it's my problem, does not help at all. Neither does you comparing your sorrows to mine and telling me that yours are worse. By deduction, you're... More About: Talk , Pretty
Hallelujah
2007-01-20 13:36:00 I think I live in a fantasy world where I constantly deceive myself into thinking I can handle it. The truth is, I can't. I realized today that I'm not capable of all the things I thought I could do. I'm not a superhero. I'm not even smart, or pretty or funny or all the things that make other people pleasant.All I know is how to indulge in the beautiful,How to intoxicate myself with the world,How to appreciate even the darkest of sorrows,How to aimlessly wander the edges of time.That's all. I'm not even minutely functional. Maybe the best job for me is to be a curator.Time to get your head out of the clouds, little girl. The sun is slowly rising.---Infidelity is a short-lived obsession; a journey to the landscapes you're not allowed to view. I have no idea why Grey's Anatomy is full of this theme. I just like seeing McDreamy. That's just about it.---7:18 and my heart trembles. More About: Hallelujah , Hall , Halle
Isles
2007-01-19 11:11:00 We've been here before,Salutes of ashen gray,Adrift on the silence,Colder than the wind,You must get on your way.We've been here before,And knew too well the grief,Strained against these iron barsSubject and object:Talking thief to thief.We've been here before,Weeping in the arid sky,Watching the fading light,Never knowing whereTo begin the last goodbye.
Elaborate
2007-01-18 13:19:00 What I'm saying:Scarlet-tinged and sacredIt is I who move away by standing still.Walk away in the morning,When the stars are everclear,Tinged with frost, without a warningJust leave me stranded here.What I mean:This tunnel is getting colder.The light is fading too fast.Tell me when the nightmare is over...Show me soliloquies that last.*Kevin is right: I am an "inverse function." No wonder I suck in math. More About: Borat , Labor , Rate
This is how I feel today
2007-01-17 14:07:00 And this was yesterday......And you tell me I'm addictive. How strange. More About: Today , This , Feel
Anger Management
2007-01-16 11:52:00 I'm too.goddamn.angry.that.everything.pisses. me.off.I was fine. Then that small, seemingly insignificant thing makes me plunge into the hottest of rage. Now I'm back here where the furnace feeds on the most trivial.little.fuckin.things.Take for example, the video on the news showing policemen beating a large snake they found. Why.are.people.so.goddamn.narrow-minded?! It hurts. It screams. I hate it. I hate it. I hate people that do not even attempt to try, even for a second, to understand. It makes me crazy with anger and hate and somehow all hate comes back to me.Tell me! I need to know! Tell me who I am! Tell my why, why, why!This is why I can't goddamn study: because I'm too unfocused and distracted and oh, these emotions scream to be felt right now.I am a hundred thousand questions.I am a blank in between.I am unknown and alone and crying and screaming for help.Go away.Go away.Take it away.Take it ALL away. More About: Management , Men , Anger Management , Anger , Mana
7 Stories
2007-01-15 13:00:00 567 questions7 images, 7 stories, 8 minutes eachNumbers, numbers. Scales. My hands hurt but I have to let it out.For the 7 images, I crafted 7 stories as follows:1. Child looking so sad at a violin on the table. 'Ano po ito?' "Ano sa tingin mo?" 'Ah! Violin! Thanks!' "Iba nga.." I'm thinking: What? What's different? She mumbles and she discontinued what she said. Anyway, the story starts with the child appraising the violin, wanting to play like his grandfather. It tells how well his grandfather played, how the music was so sad that pigeons flying by crashed to the ground in sadness. A man knocks on the door, a big guy who was a Mover. He tells the child that his new parents are ready. He's going to be adopted. So the child leaves the violin on the table. An old lady comes in and looks at the violin. She holds it. She cries because she remembers her grandson. She looks over to the fireplace, over at his picture sitting beside the urn with his ashes.2. There ... More About: Stories , Tories , Stor , Tori
Neverland
2007-01-14 10:51:00 Again.I'll change my specialization if all neurosurgeons are McDreamies. Haha. I can imagine scrubbing in to surgery and reporting to an attending like him. I'm gushing. Damnit. It's astounding how fully this hit me.It's like an initial blast in my visual cortex. Then now all my senses are hallucinating. Bad. Bad.Yay. A Happy post. How abnormal of me.[I don't like being asked about med school. In fact, don't ask me about plans that are more than 2 months in the future.]I'm getting a high from his eyes. It's always the eyes that trap me. I feel so grade school (oh, scratch that, so nursery.) More About: Everland , Land , Ever , Never
Con te partirò
2007-01-14 09:27:00 Quando sono solasogno all'orizzontee mancan le parole,si lo so che non c'è lucein una stanza quando manca il sole,se non ci sei tu con me, con me.Su le finestremostra a tutti il mio cuoreche hai accesso,chiudi dentro mela luce chehai incontrato per strada. Time to say goodbye. Paesi che non ho maiveduto e vissuto con te,adesso sì li vivrò.Con te partiròsu navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono più,it's time to say goodbye. Quando sei lontanasogno all'orizzontee mancan le parole,e io si lo soche sei con me, con me,tu mia luna tu sei qui con me,mio sole tu sei qui con me,con me, con me, con me. Time to say goodbye. Paesi che non ho maiveduto e vissuto con te,adesso sì li vivrò.Con te partiròsu navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono più, con te io li rivivrò.Con te partiròsu navi per mariche, io lo so,no, no, non esistono più,con te io li rivivrò.Con te partirò Io con te.-by Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli(Time to Say Goodbye)Words fail.
Detonate
2007-01-13 14:27:00 The dangers of disbelief are more real to a mind that knows annihilation as the only way out. More About: Nate
Graffiti
2007-01-12 15:23:00 I whisper 'I love you' to the still night air.Perhaps it is only at this moment that I am real.The insurmountable realization that the apex of my pain is a scream of desperation:My heart is euphoric when my mind is bound and shackled.---I wish I could go about so normally like other people. I wish I wasn't so acutely aware of my impending nothingness; that I could laugh in the sunshine without seeing the gathering of the storm; that I am not so very easy to remind. More About: Graffiti
Faithful
2007-01-11 14:29:00 "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." -Michaelangelo BuonarrotiCould I be carrying the resonating images in my head too seriously?It really is not too strange to see a flock of pigeons on the marble floor,or a tear staring at me, as if it could smell its reflection,or to crumble when the wind brings with it the faint molecules ofsomeone's perfume,somewhere,somehow.How many dimensions are there in the world? 2? 3? Infinite?I wonder about truth in the empty passages of time.Time is a wall deconstructing and constructing itself. And yet here I am, reconstructing and playing God.The mind races forward, and my body lags behind. I cannot sleep. And when I do, the nightmares wake me up and I am frozen. I am reminded once again that while my body slumbers, my mind is not at peace. More About: Faithful
Masonry, Sanity and New Year's Resolutions
2007-01-01 07:24:00 The obligatory new year's vows:Recapture. Renounce. Rescue.Remain.*Find something to surrender to.---"It is Satan who is the God of our planet and the only God."-Helena Petrovna Blavatsky (in The Secret Doctrine)NO. I am not going Luciferian. I just like seeing all the facets.I learn by painting pictures in my head. Only by seeing a thing from all angles will I fully capture what really is and not how it presents itself.This is going into my Room of Reversals. It is a hall. It will take its place among other objects there such as The Crusades, Hitler's Germany, The Witch Trials, Racism, Psychiatry, The Invasions, The Wealth of Nations, New Orleans, Nostradamus, etc.I probably should be institutionalized, but I'm still free-range. More About: New Year , Solutions , Year , Solution , Mason
Life as a Belief
2006-12-31 10:30:00 Saddam refused to wear a hood as he walked towards his death. I would refuse too: I'd rather face my non-existence in the eye than be caught by it (no pun intended) in mid-air.Am I the only one who sees the Truth?Yes, I cried. I cried in the exact same manner that I cried at the movie Jaws in third grade: whimpering against the cold bathroom tiles because I knew that the world would never understand why. I cannot understand how anything can be persecuted for exactly executing what is in its nature. Am I saying that it is in man's nature to commit genocide? Maybe. Digressing from the peripheries towards what is takes its toll. It really is terrifying to discover, if you really get down to it, that the very same elements that sent him to the gallows are, really, reflected in you.Does it scare you too much to really see?What, then, does it take? Belief , a little power, perhaps even charisma. Taken separately, these things are celebrated, even called ideal by most. But change the sit... More About: Life
Christmas, Dawn and Regression
2006-12-26 06:07:00 I wake up paralyzed, eyes open but unable to move and, worse- unable to scream.I should be used to this. I am. The terror refreshes itself each time.Googling "sleep paralysis," I came upon this classic depiction of it:The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli (1781)Can you blame me for not wanting to sleep?---Chris t mas always gives me frostbite.I have not yet forgiven Santa Clause for being plastered all over the place and still not existing. My first heartbreak was providing coffee and biscuits (for Santa) and grass (for his reindeer) under the Christmas tree and finding the grass thrown back to the garden in the morning (because they "ate" it) as if I wouldn't notice.On the other hand, everyone is giving birth, I swear!Ana is due anytime this week for baby Anika.Javi's wife is also expecting Matteo in a few weeks.Add to that the ones below three: Miguel, Mauro, Diego and Bianca.Baby Boom.I just can't imagine myself engulfing a human being like some sort of phagocytotic vesicle, which will ... More About: Dawn , Sion |
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