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Surprise! You're 60!
2008-04-15 08:12:00
My mom was dreading her 60th birthday. Despite the fact that many of her friends had already reached this milestone (including my dad), she just couldn?t get used to the idea...and very much wanted the event to pass by unannounced. Every time I told her she was being ridiculous, she reminded me how I flew to Ecuador for my 30th birthday so that I could escape all forms of acknowledgement. ?At least I?m not fleeing the country,? she responded. Note: My mom always makes me sound dramatic. I kind of like it.As her birthday approached, her only request was that we didn?t make a big deal about it. What she said she wanted most was for my sister and me to come home for the weekend, and for the family to have a low-key dinner together. She reminded us of her hope for a quiet, private birthday when we were all together for Christmas, making us promise not to ?pull any tricks.? We agreed.A few weeks into January, my dad called me at work with a ?great idea? for my mom?s birthday?a big surpri...

When Classy is a Stretch
2008-04-01 07:52:00
As you know, my friends Rick and Zetta are no amateurs when it comes to party throwing. After Zetta organized a wildly successful Pig Roast for Rick?s birthday this year, he wasn?t about to let his wife outdo him?no siree. And what better makings for a fun day than to involve a stretch limo and a trip out of town? So off to Napa we went?all 28 of us?in celebration of Zetta?s birthday.The day started off bright and early with a sophisticated mimosa brunch at their apartment. Everyone was dressed for success and we were all looking forward to a pleasant day in the countryside. The limo pulled up and those attendees who chose to be more responsible with their money boarded a van they had rented--they even had a sober driver. Our birthday outing started off innocent enough. You know, passing around a few champagne bottles along with a proverbial jar of Grey Poupon (we couldn't get enough of that joke) while traversing the Golden Gate. And with the van driving along side our limo, it so...
More About: Stretch

Magic
2008-03-30 19:59:00
One morning in mid-February, I called Heb in the O.C. on my way to work...as I often do. A few minutes into the conversation, she let me know that she had something to tell me. My stomach flipped, thinking something was wrong. But it turned out that everything is more than OK. The news was that?.she and James are going to have their first baby! In August! Hooray!We immediately arranged a trip for me to visit her a few weeks later so that I could meet their new puppy, Bacon, and help brainstorm baby names. Learning of our weekend plans, a dazzling comrade of mine in SF arranged for Heb and me to accompany his adorable French friend who lives in Hollywood on a surprise evening outing in LA. All we were told was to pack wedding attire. Hmmmmm.Heb and I spent Saturday afternoon shopping for accessories and laughing hysterically at baby names the other had suggested. ?Why not J.J.?,? she questioned me. ?Heb! People will associate your baby with J.J. from the show Good Times,? I blurted o...
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Easy Breezy
2008-03-30 18:49:00
Since last I wrote, I have finally returned to good health?just in time for my sister?s boyfriend to come stay with me while at some nerdy gaming conference in SF. One interesting thing about Jon, other than his Southern accent, occupation as a 3D artist and uniquely relaxed nature, is that he?s made it his mission to ?kindly prepare? my sister for a wide array of unforeseen natural disasters.For example, if she?s ever stuck in a small space with no air, she?ll now know what to expect since such conditions have been successfully simulated by Jon lying on top of her while smothering her face with a pillow. He calls this helpful lesson ?The Utah Cole Mine.? Aware of my unrelenting fear of sharks, he is currently devising a module to help me get ready for the inevitable scenario where I?m confronted by a great white. I will keep you posted on his creative approach and its corresponding title.Anyway, Jon was a very easy houseguest who was happy to subsist on the contents of my kitchen l...
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Ouch
2008-03-30 18:47:00
Rather than blame my 6-week absence on my previously broken computer (I even had to call the Best Buy Geek Squad to come over!) or on my aching arms resulting from learning how to snowboard (I swear it hurt to type!), I shall simply accept responsibility and attempt to catch you up.The following entries took place between February 15th and March 22nd.
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Little House on Valencia Street
2008-02-12 06:12:00
As you know, I already HAD the flu a few weeks ago. So when I woke up on Sunday morning with a 104 degree fever plus lots of other symptoms including a fierce cough, it meant only one thing as far as I was concerned: pneumonia!My first reaction to the self-diagnosis was fear, since pneumonia is, after all, quite serious. But my second reaction was one of delight as this meant I would finally have the opportunity to play out childhood fantasies of Little House on the Prairie lifestyle...as everyone seemed to get pneumonia back on the frontier. Hey, either way I HAD pneumonia--why not make it sort of fun?I discussed the situation with Heb, my faithful emergency contact, and she was on board, both with the diagnosis and the response. We decided that once my doctor provided the official diagnoses, I would sleep in a bonnet and a nightdress (pictured above) for the duration of the illness. And before bed, I would say prayers and possibly read the Bible by lantern...if I was feeling u...
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2008
2008-02-01 05:52:00
Wow--it's been more than 1 month since I last wrote. Rather than take a "detail rich" approach to rehashing all that's gone down (insert half smile-half smirk directed at a certian individual), I'll provide some highlights from the past several weeks:How Many Points Is a Candy Cane?My mom, dad and I spent Christmas in Atlanta at my sister's house...and I feel as though we should collectively receive some sort of prestigious accolade for managing the experience sans any major freak outs. You see, all four of us, plus my sister's cat, resided in her one-bedroom apartment...at the same time...for several days. As if this wasn't difficult enough for four adults who have grown accustomed to living in separate regions of the country, two of these people were on diets, one of whom is allergice to cats.For those of you unfamiliar with the practices of the WeightWatchers cult, this translates to limited alcohol consumption and pretty much no fun holiday food. To "support" the two parti...
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Insantaty
2007-12-18 08:51:00
It's a good thing that we didn't exhaust ourselves with too many superstores in The O.C. since this past weekend may have set a new record for action packing (Verd, please copyright this verb for me).It began with a formal holiday party on Friday night where one of the hosts, Jason, (also featured here as a pig skin aficionado), dressed up as Santa Claus. Not only did jubilant guests clad in their holiday finest get to sit on his lap and register gift requests, but each of us actually received a present from the big man in red--right there! All you had to do was contribute something to his pile of goodies earlier in the night and then you got one back when it was your turn to hop on board.The best part about it was that by the time it was your turn to lap sit, you had forgotten all about the item you gave away (4 adorable finger puppets made of Peruvian alpaca). This way, you could focus on your brand new present (a giant blue salad bowl). Pure genius, I tell you.The next morning ...

Sharkmares
2007-12-06 06:57:00
Some people are afraid of snakes and some people fear bugs and some are in a constant state of panic about imminent natural disasters like tsunamis and earthquakes. While falling into a pit of snakes or having bugs crawl all over me or being trapped under heaps of earthquake rubble aren't particularly appealing thoughts, I could certainly think of worse plights. Aside from an over-dramatic reaction to the site and thought of worms (ew, ew, ew) and an irrational fear of this one horror movie character that's been plaguing me since 6th grade (yes, I'm still too scared to even type this character's name), I find nothing more terrifying that a big, gray, toothy SHARK.Perhaps this fear is somehow related to my poor swimming skills, not that I could out swim a shark if I had a stronger, more consistent breast stroke. Or maybe it comes from the fact that my dad watched Jaws at least once a year throughout my impressionable childhood years, beckoning me to sit with him for "just one mor...
More About: Ares

Happy Hannukah!
2007-12-05 09:05:00
I may only be half Jewish, but I am in full support of fun menorahs. I wonder if the "Selection of Fruit" menorah comes with that exciting pink wallpaper?And I wonder if the "Stylish Shoes" menorah will be updated next year to include those furry snow boots that everyone seems to be wearing. I kind of hope so. Pease let me know if you come across an "Animals of the Arctic" menorah as I could not imagine a style that would make me happier. I can think of few things that might get one more in the holiday spirit than lighting a candle held by a sweet baby penguin or perhaps a blubbery little seal.
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This Means War
2007-11-20 08:30:00
Interesting to Note:This past weekend I visited my friend Chantal who now lives in Charleston, SC with her adorable husband and two little boys. Being the gracious hostess that she is (Chanty lived in Dallas for most of her life), she took me on a horse-drawn carriage ride through the city's historic downtown. It was on this tour that I learned the crescent that appears on the SC flag is intended to represent not a new moon, but a steel collar designed to protect soldiers' throats in battle in the 17th Century--a piece of armor called a gorget. True.

Trade Offs
2007-11-15 02:09:00
As I've mentioned before, there are few things I'm as attached to as Fall on the East coast. It's always a shocker for me when Halloween rolls around here in SF and it's barely cold enough to wear a jacket. And with no leaves crunching under my feet, how am I supposed to know that Thanksgiving is coming up, other than the fact that my fun foodie friend has sent out the evite for his annual deep fried Turkey feast?Back home, there would be seasonal clues such as "football weather" and the first hints of that smokey fireplace smell wafting from neighborhood chimneys. Here in SF, my only tool for time reference is an Arctic Outdoors calendar that hangs on my bedroom wall. When it changed from Alaskan Musk Ox to Thelon River Caribou, I knew it was now November. (Note to self: get another arctic-theme calendar for next year. Reason: Just when I think the upcoming month might not be such a good one, I turn the page and see this period of time will be dedicated to the snow fox or the ...
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Let There Be Pig
2007-11-08 06:48:00
The Spring before I started college I got a letter requesting my attendence at a regional event where I would meet other soon-to-be Freshman at my university in the fall. The theme of the event was to be "Southern" in a weak attempt to prepare the NJ, NY and CT kids for what awaited us in North Carolina. "Oh good," I thought to myself. "Maybe there will a be a mechanical bull." A few weeks later, my parents and I arrived at a beautiful private home somewhere in CT. I walked in to find about forty 18-year-olds milling around nervously half chatting with their parents and half scoping the scene. Well coordinated staff served mimosas to the adults and an impressive spread of bagels and lox (score!) had been displayed elegantly on the terrace. The event felt like anything but a down-home Southern BBQ. In fact, was that Giuliani by the fruit salad?Eventually things loosened up a bit. As the afternoon unfolded, the parents began to indulge in fancy wine while chatting with one another abo...

A Gordgeous Birthday
2007-10-23 07:50:00
In celebration of my birthday last week, I decided to throw a pumpkin carving party. With all the action stirred up by the Folsom St Fair, the Bluegrass Festival, Love Parade, etc., I figured it was high time for some wholesome, domestic fun. After gearing up at the annual Pumpkin Festival in Half Moon Bay (Pumpkin Capital of the WORLD, no less), I bought a few sets of carving tools and some pumpkin beer for my guests...and hoped for a sunny, fall day. Sure enough, there were blue skies for the big event. And not only did people show up to get their carve on, but they created masterpieces far exceeding my expectations. See above for the two winners ("Black Cat" taking first in the Traditional Halloween Awesomeness category and "Border Crossers" dominating the Halloween Innovation category). Also pictured are their pals from the patch "Haunted Tree" and "Frankenstein" who were strong contenders for the crown. Other honorable mentions were awarded to "Computer Pumpkin," "Playa Pumpkin...
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My Emergency Contact
2007-10-18 08:28:00
I met my friend Heb (nickname) when we were five years old?in Kindergarten. As I remember, we actually had very little interest in one another initially. I was busy running around with my bff at the time, whom I knew from ballet class. She and I had all the important things in common: cartwheel perfection pursuits at recess, dance routine choreography in our basements after school, and an all-consuming obsession with the movie Nadia.Heb, however, was extremely shy and enjoyed playing quietly in the corner of the room with her bff, Jennifer. They were both very sweet?just not my speed, really.Then one day our teacher approached my mom and Heb's mom, suggesting that they encourage us to spend some time together. "I believe your daughters could really learn from one another,? she advised. ?Heather would do well to come out of her shell a bit and Lauren could certainly use a dose of serenity in her life (i.e. turn down the spazz)."Being first-time parents, our moms heeded our teacher'...
More About: Contact , Emergency , Emerge

My Vote for Best Month ----> October
2007-09-28 03:37:00
Since returning from Burning Man, my life has consisted of a series of chaotic events. I just can't seem to get back in the swing of things hence the lack of blog posts. I've been sick not once but twice since coming back (I swear I'm not of weak constitution); I STILL have not put away my playa gear (for those of you who know how obsessive I am about cleaning my apartment, you understand how unusual this is); and yesterday I spaced on Caltrain when attempting to visit my friend in San Carlos. Let me point out that the Caltrain episode was no small public transpo blunder either, as it resulted in winding up in San Jose unable to get a northbound train for an hour and a half leaving me no choice but to eat at the Costco cafe, which is pretty much my worst nightmare. Luckily, I received timely council over the phone instructing me to avoid the salad option at all costs in favor of the mystery pizza. Had I not received this direction, who knows what would have ensued. Anything is po...
More About: Vote , October , Month , Mont

5 Days on the Playa
2007-09-11 07:13:00
I've been back from Burning Man for exactly one week now, and I'm just finally starting to crawl out from under the layer of playa dust that's covering my life. Everyone wants to know how I liked it yet I can't seem to think of a response that fully captures my feelings. So instead, I'll share a small window into my time on the playa:I wake up with the sun and open my eyes. I'm in my tent snuggled in my sleeping bag. Strewn around me are an empty water bottle, a headlamp, a jar of coco butter, a Ziploc bag full of sparkling ribbons, and a pile of colorful clothes from the night before. Everything is covered in a thick layer of playa dust, including my entire head.I spot in the corner what looks like a small turquoise animal and think to myself, "oh good, my wig made it home with me last night." The collection of items sparks memories from that party I was at the night before, the one where the dj booth controlled a fire machine that would ignite on beat, sending the crowd into...
More About: Days

Drag Queen Heaven
2007-08-28 10:18:00
After years of almost making it happen, I'm finally going....to Burning Man. Tomorrow.So tonight my apartment looks like the circus is passing through. At this very moment I see before me sparkly silver platform boots, florescent wigs, a lunar-chic jacket (think Hollywood starlet meets Martian), fishnet stockings in every shade of the rainbow, a bike adorned in fancy pink and white fur and piles on top of piles of dresses that fall somewhere in between fabulous and trashy. I take back the circus analogy--this is drag queen heaven.The plan is to arrive on Wednesday and leave Sunday, returning to San Francisco on Monday. Anything could happen in between...and I mean anything. I'll report back upon my return to civilization. To be honest, I'm a little scared...
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Free Milk!
2007-08-25 01:37:00
I grew up in a small town--think Wonder Years meets 90210. I?ve known many of my best friends since we were 5 years old. I can still picture them in their florescent jelly sandals and Kindergarten-sized Esprit skirts playing ?kiss the Chris? during recess. (We all had crushes on our classmate, Chris D., who had the cutest little-boy freckles EVER and a contagious giggle that I can still conjure up in my mind.) In second grade, we merged with another elementary school. Enter Robert W., the new collective crush.Unlike Chris, who playfully egged us on, Robert kept his distance, focusing on his sporty pals and hilarious ways to piss off our teachers. Obviously, his lack of interest in our pleas for attention only made us like him more. We couldn?t help but swoon over him, though, year after year. He was tall, standing heads above the rest of us, cute (gorgeous blueish green eyes with sandy blond hair), and best of all, he was tough?real tough.Granted, tough for Chatham, NJ isn?t exactly...
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Summer Guest: Round 5 (the finale)
2007-08-15 07:48:00
As you know, I've now hosted quite a few people, the last of whom has now departed. For the last eight weeks, it's been all entertaining all the time....and I didn't call in sick to work ONCE.I believe I've earned myself something fancy. Perhaps it's time to treat myself to some colored wax and a personalized metal stamp. I've always wanted to mail in my cell phone bill with a wax seal along with a check signed in calligraphy. Maybe I'll even trim the bill in lace.Anyway, what I'd like to share about my most recent visitor are the following quotes:Friend: (in response to me bringing up a girl we both know) Oh her? Can't stand 'er. She's the type of person who would answer her front door and exclaim "enchante!" (A perfect description.)Me: So what did you do after we parted ways last night?Friend: I really should not be left alone in a hotel room. I woke up on the floor this morning with flashes of Maid in Manhattan dancing through my head. Let's leave it at that.
More About: Summer , Finale , Guest , Round , Fina

Revenge of the Nerds
2007-08-13 04:57:00
Ya, so I own a pair of big sunglasses. And I work along side a bunch of stylie designers. I was even one of those girls in high school who snuck out at night to meet cute boys in the woods where we'd drink liquor and play truth or dare.But don't let this fool you into thinking I'm anything but a huge nerd. Seriously. One supporting fact for my membership in Club Nerd is my penchant for all things grammatical. While other people's interests include fun topics like Britney's shocking fall from grace, the latest in must-have Mac technology, and exciting sporting events, I'm sitting around thinking about oft misunderstood phrases like "whet your appetite" vs. "wet your appetite." Not exactly cocktail party conversation, unless....you're drinking cocktails with yours truly.This passion runs deep. In fact, it's lead me to date people just because they sent me an email that clearly demonstrates their mastery of you're vs. your (well maaaaybe there were a few other reasons but not ...
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Chile
2007-08-07 03:56:00
I really love San Francisco. I do. I even wrote about some reasons for this once. In fact, there are new reasons all the time....like the Alamany Farmer's Market (my friend/neighbor brought me there recently and it couldn't have been more thrilling) and the fact that I got to impress one of my recent visitors with a somewhat badass earthquake. As much as I love this city, there's one thing that never fails to trigger day dreams of moving far, far away. And that thing would be the cold summer weather.Before you launch into a lengthy retaliation noting how SF has the mildest winters ever which really make up for the summers...and how I can just spend some time in the East Bay where it's "at least 10 degrees warmer"....and how the fog is actually quite beautiful....and how there are some October days to die for (true) which also sort of make up for the summer (false), please just consider for a minute that some people really like it when it's sunny and hot outside for weeks on end...
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Summer Guest: Round 4
2007-07-28 20:20:00
The weekend before last yet another friend came to stay with me--this time for 5 days. I'm still recovering, which has resulted in a temporary delay of blog posting, among other slacker behaviors such as not watering my failing aloe plant (it requires me to stand on a chair that I carry in from another room, which seems like so much effort at the moment). Since this particular guest wouldn't want to be profiled on any blogs other than those exploring sustainable pig farming or perhaps the art of the meat casserole, I'll keep the recount to highlights only:Sharing a moment about the utter splendor of cottage cheese and how unfair it is that it costs so much to add it to your cardboard take-out box at salad bars. As if it makes any sense that red peppers are less expensive just cause they weigh less--seriously. Knowing that he truly understands my struggle with this ongoing situation, I feel less alone on this earth, less lost.Eating breakfast at Mission Pie one day before work--th...
More About: Summer , Guest , Round

Enigmatic Events
2007-07-17 06:44:00
As you know, my friend Dayle (of inline skate marathon fame), recently got engaged. While I'd love to go into great detail about my enthusiasm regarding this development, I shall refrain as to do so would necessitate going back in time to recount various scenarios from her days as a single woman. For some, this type of historical recounting might involve a few cute stories and maybe a couple "oh no you didn't" moments. But when it comes to my dear friend Dayle, such exploration would require much more than a mere blog post written by some girl with a pale pink website. For shame!You see, attempting to fully capture and effectively communicate this notably colorful and uniquely mystifying period of time would be akin to taking on the challenge of writing and directing a film that tells the story of, say, the Bible--a hefty task that must strike the perfect balance between history, art, and soul. Perhaps this era would be best explored via a limited print coffee table book devoted t...
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Summer Guests: Rounds 2 and 3
2007-07-06 05:36:00
My apartment looks like a posse of college kids has moved in. At present, the recycling is brimming with a variety of take-out containers mixed in with an impressive quantity of empty beer and wine bottles. A heap of wet towels greets me every time I enter through the front door (well, the only door) and no less than 3 sets of keys are hanging on the key hook from makeshift key chains crafted from paper clips. A mix of Australian, American and (somehow) Turkish coins are strewn all over my dresser, and an open map of San Francisco is spread out on my kitchen counter.The only thing that separates the scenario from an international frat house is the lovely thank you note on my coffee table left there by my thoughtful guests...and perhaps the fact that my fridge is stocked with soy milk and Annie's Goddess dressing rather than rotting leftovers from KFC. I have officially survived another two sets of visitors--Chris and Amy (on their way back from Toronto) and my old friend, Jay, from...
More About: Summer , Guests , Round , Rounds

Pride and Shame
2007-06-27 06:37:00
In case you haven't noticed yet, a large portion of my friends are gay. This may be a result of living in San Francisco, working in PR for 3 years and frequenting Cafe Flor...or it may just be that "the gays" are more fun. Regardless, I'm in deep.In celebration of Pride weekend, I decided to head over to the Dykes on Bikes parade and support the ladies. I knew it would be a spirited event since I had been the year before with my mom and dad who happened to be in town for Pride weekend. (Note: My dad was so into it, he wanted us to march as a family behind the parade of topless women on Harlies, but my mom put the kabash on that one.)While I was waiting to meet up with my friend, I was chatting on the phone in front of the Safeway at Church and Market. Suddenly, I felt something sharp on my HEAD. Within seconds, all sorts of possible explanations went through my mind. Was someone trying to get my attention with a sharp fork? Was I hallucinating that I felt something? Did a squirrel...
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Did you say...Geodesic Dome?
2007-06-27 05:52:00
photo: Amy's tube of "travel vegemite." So my mates from down under came and went. They overcame their jet lag like champs and dove right into the game. Chris had been here before so it was nothing short of heart-warming to watch him show Amy around the city. (He was here visiting me for 6 weeks in November of 2005 during which time I gave him an excellent education on SF livin,' as far as I'm concerned). I felt like a proud parent when he told me he took Amy to Dolores Park AND Hot Cookie in the Castro one day while I was at work--atta boy.Speaking of Dolores Park, my two guests tried to order sandwiches at the Dolores Park Cafe...only to be misunderstood 3 times in a row--poor peckish little things. Apparently, "takeaway parcel" doesn't quite communicate food "to go." Another accent barrier that I find rather amusing is that they can't use automated phone systems here in the States. Whenever Chris tries to call the airline to deal with his "return ticket," the system asks him...
More About: Dome , Odes

Summer Guests: Round 1
2007-06-15 07:22:00
I am about to embark on a long run of playing San Francisco hostess. In the next few weeks, 6 close friends will be in town, all of whom will try to get me to stay up late on weekday nights. I will attempt to hold strong against their pleas, but it's hard when you know it might be a while until you see these people again. And, (insert other excuses why it's OK to stay up late on work nights).Tomorrow, my friends Chris and Amy arrive from Sydney! You may remember them from such excapades as Lauren's Extended House Guest With The Exciting Accent and/or New Year's Eve Down Under. They'll be passing through SF twice this summer--on either end of a wedding in Toronto. Hooray!As I type, they are on the plane, sitting together. If I had to guess, I'd say Amy is currently flipping through a fashion magazine while drinking a glass of wine. No doubt Chris has a beer in hand as he reads a series of newspapers with his iPod on for background music. In about an hour, he'll start working o...
More About: Summer , Guests , Round

When Nouns Become Verbs: A Theory on Etymology From a Girl in Pink Taffeta
2007-06-12 04:15:00
Warning: If you are not a self identified grammar geek, you may be painfully bored by the following post.I have a theory about the English language. The theory posits that nouns act as verbs when no verb exists to adequately describe the action of that noun. Example of nouns that pretty much own their own verbs are as follows: snakes ---> slither, horses ---> gallop and soul dancers ---> boogie.On the other hand, some nouns have no choice but to double as verbs in order for people to effectively communicate their meaning.Examples include:Google (as in "Let's Google the 13 colonies since I just lost a bet on which states were in the mix.") BART (as in "Parking downtwon will be hell. Let's BART to the restaurant.") Oh, and a friend of mine in DC recently used JDate as a verb, which I found hilarious. Something like, "Wait, I think I know that girl. Oh, right, my roommate Jdated her a couple months ago."The theory also proposes that the reason some nouns don't have dedicated verbs i...
More About: Pink , Girl , Theory , Feta , Ology

The New Girl
2007-06-03 06:08:00
So, I'm now the new girl in the office. You know, the one who has to ask questions like, "What's the process for reserving a conference room?" and "Would you please send me the template for that?" I feel like there should be a special awareness pin for people starting a new jobs, like there is for people fighting diseases or participating in "The Great American Smokeout." That way, everyone who comes into contact with that person would be aware of what they've been dealing with all day and would then be really nice and understanding.Noticing your special pin, your cashier at the grocery store might inquire how the new gig is going while bagging your items, someone on the bus might stand up so that you could have a seat after another exhausting day of navigating the unfamiliar shared drive and bartenders everywhere would give you free drinks and sympathetic smiles. I mean, if there's a pin for "Children with Allergies" and "Multiple Chemical Sensitivity," there should definitely ...
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