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2006-12-01 10:30:09
Just finished watching When a Man Loves a Woman, a movie that I have avoided like the plague ever since it was released. For good reason. But I made it through. I’ve been landed via lack of action upon the remote control in some Sixteen Candles knockoff. Just surreal. So now I must take my muddled head and do some chores. I’ve made tremendous progress this week on the endless quest for the perfectly ordered house. I think it’s merely a different flavor of some other obsession - I don’t drink or do drugs, I have no “normal” addictions. I simply reorder my house - clean out cabinets and closets and move power cords and throw things out. I wonder what it is I’m really trying to control.

2006-12-01 10:30:09
Had a nice, short day today. G was there - we were so alone in the building that the lights on other parts of the floor weren’t on (they come on automatically if there’s any movement). Finally read the CTO’s response to my note from a week ago. He asked whether I had brought up these issues with my management - i.e. he didn’t really read or understand what I was saying. I responded with another attempt. Perhaps I just need a reality check. See, this is what happens. I tell them, I tell them, then I tell them again. After I leave, they get it. It’s happened so many times I’ve lost count. There is no reasonable explanation for it aside from gender. I laid it out for him - what will happen in the near term and what he has to look forward to in a few years. Aside from the two younger folks, the youngest person on the team is about 45. We have several approaching retirement - one on her way out the door next week. They’ll be forced t...

2006-12-01 10:30:09
O God, when I have food, help me to remember the hungry; When I have work, help me to remember the jobless; When I have a home, help me to remember those who have no home at all; When I am without pain, help me to remember those who suffer, And remembering, help me to destroy my complacency; bestir my compassion, and be concerned enough to help; By word and deed, those who cry out for what we take for granted. Amen. A Thanksgiving Prayer — Samuel F. Pugh

2006-12-01 10:30:09
Interesting. The other blog has disappeared. Apparently the webmaster decided to quit paying for the domain. Oh well. I’ve saved most of the writing, but lost a few recent pieces. My poor reading public LOL. The boy has just gone to bed. He’s apparently broken the back of the project he’s working on that was due at midnight - fortunately he is the golden boy of this particular professor, having served as his TA several semesters and will be a head TA next. He won’t suffer for getting it in a day late. Spent today trying to talk another coworker down off a ledge. Not sure I’m going to coax her back in. Would take going to my manager to ask him to give her some reassurance. I’m not afraid to do that, just worried that it will do no good and result in my departure after hers. Oh, they won’t get rid of me (I wouldn’t be that lucky) but the sheer madness might send me over the edge again. She is so tired she can’t think -...

2006-12-01 10:30:09
My head exploded today - an extraordinarily crappy day even for that place. And at the end of it, I told my manager that I would stay. Don’t be confused. I just had this moment when I realized that I can’t do anything about what goes on there, about others’ lack of integrity. It was very freeing. It’s hard to explain. And even if they boot me out the door, I’ll be grateful for the support I’ve gotten from some of the folks there. I rarely (really, never) write about them because it feels intrusive. How odd is that? It feels disrespectful somehow to natter on about people that I feel close to. Or perhaps it is my own privacy I’m protecting. Don’t mind my confusion - still picking up the pieces of my head.

2006-12-01 10:30:09
Oy. Today was a roller coaster that might only be fixed by the liberal application of alcohol. Too bad I don’t do that. Spent the morning going over the technical details of a monster exec that I wrote in support of the tool we worked on for so long. The two folks that worked on it with me need to understand it better before I flee the company. They were both incredibly sweet during this (G was in a great mood) and patient during the 90-minute conference call. We’ll do another tomorrow. The guy at the remote site said he was glad to finally understand how this thing works. Senior guy from remote site who is episodically a bastard to me pinged me while I was on the first call. After I hung up he called to show me a methodology that he’s working on to improve the process for handling staging of requests. I told him he’d come up with a perfect compromise to assist the process - he didn’t oversolve it and what he’s planning will help. Then I ...

2006-12-01 10:30:09
Very odd day. It seems that no one knows - though I was surprised by G’s willingness to spend some time tomorrow going over one of the execs I’ve been working on. Ordinarily he would be likely to ask me why. I asked LL before I left because it was so creepy not knowing for sure. He didn’t know. I told him that I didn’t want G to think that I was leaving to get away from him. It’s not G’s fault. I’m far more annoyed with the management there. What I haven’t accomplished there has much more to do with them than with any of my coworkers. I told the PO last week that I simply couldn’t deal with the inaction anymore. My not feeling welcome there is largely due to the power struggle that’s been going on. I can’t continue to battle with RL and live in the gap that exists between him and LL where so many things get dropped. The OS install is going badly. One of the reasons that RL despises me is that I said in a me...

2006-12-01 10:30:09
The sadness is trying to get a foothold today. Enormous pile of clean laundry awaits dealing with - that should distract me for a while. At least I slept this week. Don’t want to cry at work tomorrow. Don’t at this moment know how I’m going to avoid that, but we’ll do our best. All it will take is one of the guys expressing regret that I’m leaving. Of course there is the inevitable worrying about what I will do now. But whenever I think about work and what goes on there, I know this is the right course. The question is whether I’m capable of working anywhere these days. Clearly a large company isn’t the answer. Do I have the fortitude to look for the right job? I wonder. Applied for a contract position yesterday and noticed only after I’d sent the application that the rate was abysmal. Too many people in the food chain doing subcontracting. Applied for a management position that I’m well suited for - odds are slim th...

2006-12-01 10:30:09
– begin rant – Been thinking about the situation at work and things I wish I could say and be heard. Make no mistake - being heard is the impossible part and I have no intention of doing an exit interview. As I told my colleague who’s on vacation - any HR department that smiles vapidly upon a leadership structure that is 90% white male doesn’t need to hear anything from me. What makes me mad is what I presume happened as a result of the last beating I took from G. I think the new manager talked to him afterwards, despite my request that he not. Now, I know that G’s behaviors are unacceptable, but he’ll never see it as anything but harassment from me because no one else gets in his face. Aside from the fact that the talk effectively ended my ability to work with G at all, it sidesteps the larger issue. G’s frustrations at work are as real as mine. He doesn’t handle them well but that doesn’t make them imaginary. He’s...

2006-09-24 03:48:01
Clear and Present Patriot Danger Games is on. Can’t tell them apart and don’t care to. Have about 20 minutes before it’s time to hit the shower and prepare for the night at work. Will be my second ablutions of the day - near a record for me. But I can’t waltz off to work the overnight without freshening up - if I go in feeling even slightly grimy, I feel like a slug by the morning. This will be the last one for a while (I hope). Have finished all the “extras” from the OS install - and won’t be involved in the next one. I’m not sure why that is and, permit me to say, don’t give a rat’s behind. I could dance with glee in fact. I wish it had been my choice instead of some evil machinations (in his mind) by RL - but if he’d asked me and I said I didn’t want to be involved, he couldn’t get his d**k hard by manipulating the situation and inflicting (in his mind) a slight to me. No matter. He who laughs...

I was wrong!
2006-09-22 09:42:03
And so glad to be. The shiipper wrote today to say they would ship another print - it was their fault and they graciously and promptly took care of the situation. Today was another (sort of) rest day - worked 10 hours at home. The kitties love it when I work from home. The only bad part of the day was my doctor wanting to do more tests next week. She’s just being cautious and that’s a good thing. Even if they find something they don’t like, it just means it’s time to have the plumbing removed. You know what bothers me? If they have to operate, I’ll have to have an IV. I hate IVs. I hate being in a procedure room. I hate every part of it because it reminds me of times I’d rather forget. Doesn’t help that I’m watching the season premiere of ER…. We’re doing OK, though. Back to the salt mines tomorrow.
More About: Wrong

2006-09-21 15:36:02
Hilarity abounds. Gave the wrong address to send my friend’s print, called to change it several days before it was shipped but it still went to the wrong destination. “Customer service” at the sender has not yet responded to my query. Called the recipient and left a message - and gave the number to my friend. One assumes it is lost for good, as we don’t expect anyone to behave with any integrity. That is just our mood today. We feel better today - worked from home, which cuts down on the energy required. Still work like a fiend, but no one bothers us and the chair here is much more restful. And our writing as if we were more than one person is not a symptom of MPD - it is mere whimsy. Tomorrow is the annoyance of responding to the summons from my doctor. This is necessary because I called to ask a question. The original version was Is it possible that the thyroid supplement could have raised my blood pressure since I’ve had to reduce my blood ...

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was
2006-09-21 03:33:01
Was wobbly today - nothing major, still adjusting to the latest drop in the of the meds. Didn’t sleep well last night but we’re getting there. I guess the month is going to waste away without my doing a Stuff to read. F is back in a safe place tonight; he doesn’t want to be there but it can’t be helped. Sounds like a better place this time; perhaps one that’s a bit smarter about medication options. Medications go through popularity phases and the ones that are hot right now don’t do the right things for him. Saw the old shrink last week and he spent much of the half-hour, for which he had the gall to charge me $110, rambling about Lamictal again.I am an unfortunately observant person with a good memory. I remember things that people say and the inconsistencies that arise over time in what they say. It is the reason that it’s nearly impossible to lie to me - not because I’m a natural skeptic, only because I notice the failing log...
More About: Hate , Hat , Ever , That , Psych

My God, you are brave.
2006-09-19 15:27:01
Out of Africa is on. I’ve missed most of it but am here in time for the parts that are so sad they are painful to watch. I had a good, empty day today. The good part was finally waking up from a sound sleep in the morning, like a human, before the alarm. I left work by 5:30 and was home in time and with enough energy to put away the mountain of laundry. The empty part is what remains when there is nothing more. Suits me to watch this sadness play out on film. The time you won your town the race We chaired you through the market-place; Man and boy stood cheering by, And home we brought you shoulder-high. Today, the road all runners come, Shoulder-high we bring you home, And set you at your threshold down, Townsman of a stiller town. Smart lad, to slip betimes away From fields where glory does not stay And early though the laurel grows It withers quicker than the rose. Eyes the shady night has shut Cannot see the recor...
More About: God , Rave

Sunday
2006-09-18 03:24:01
The first three days of my four-day weekend were hard; today is better. This has been a pretty obnoxious interval at work - I didn’t realize how tired I was until it stopped. Have slept at least 40 hours since Wednesday - will probably go to bed early tonight as well. The cats and I have done a few chores today and we’re resting until the laundry calls again. We are so weary that the only thing we feel competent to write about are laundry tips. We belong to the eat-it-then-wear-it club so we are experts in all things laundriacal. Use bleach and very warm water when washing whites and linensBacteria breed in the load that contains your unmentionables. Towels and bedding also contain plenty. I use between 1/8 and 1/4 cup of bleach in those loads, and I wash them in very warm to hot water. Use some discretion - bleach fades low-quality fabrics and can damage high-end linens. Pre-treat stainsFor most stains, I use Spray N Wash Stain Stick - when that fails (check wh...
More About: Sunday

The best emotions to write out of are anger and fear or drea
2006-09-17 03:21:01
While I’m sure you’re waiting with bated breath for the next installment of Dullsville: The Life of a Geek Princess, I have decided to write an opinion piece this evening. We shall continue our diatribes about overwork and under-intelligence on the job soon. I saw the tail end of a bad cable movie this evening about a battered woman who killed her husband; it spurred me to write about the slippery slope of giving in to the “poor me” defense. For all I know she was portraying the battered woman - the landmark case that broke open the whole subject - and of course I didn’t see the first part that surely would have brought me to tears at the monstrosities her husband visited upon her. Regardless, the outcome - when she was tearfully reunited with her family after being found not guilty - struck me as being excessively glib. As I said, it was a bad movie and that must be taken into consideration; but I just don’t buy the image of someone who commi...
More About: Write , Emotions , Best , Anger , Fear

Man cannot live by incompetence alone. ? Charlotte Whitton
2006-09-11 15:12:07
Slept all day. That’s the print that I ordered for my colleague at the remote site. He likes to fish and he gets as frustrated with his job as I do at times. I ordered it framed so he can hang it in his office at home and imagine himself far away from it all. Spent another 9 hours working on yet another production problem yesterday. A number of folks were involved (including him). DASD failure again - this time they were servicing one of the controllers when it went down. No data loss, thank heaven, but three of the workloads in the sysplex went down hard - that’s where we come in. He and I took a break from the conference call while they were servicing the controller - he drove into work while I took a shower and went to get some food. While I was out I saw pages emanating from the fourth workload so I called back in on my cell phone. Shit-for-brains RL had decided in our absence that since the fourth one “recovered” once the controller was back onl...
More About: Comp , Live , Cann , Charlotte , Incompetence

Seventy-two
2006-09-10 15:09:02
The number of hours we worked this week, the cats and I. They held down the fort here, sleeping and fending off intruders; I ran from pillar to post all week at work. Was a decent week despite that. Things are settling down with the new manager; asked a colleague at the remote site to sit him down and have a chat. He’s a dear - I’m going to have to go send him something to thank him. Any excuse to shop online . Can’t be too eloquent - it is the wee hours of the morning and I’m only awake because I had to ingest 4 times my normal dose of caffeine today to stay awake. Meds are going to kick in soon. Just thought I’d stop in to say we’re doing better.
More About: Event , Seven , Vent

If I am going to sit down and have a conversation with Alec
2006-09-07 15:03:02
The CD that personifies the fantasy that is my life is in the changer in the car. It’s a wonderfully eclectic collection of music, including a Spanish version of Hotel California, The Middle by Jimmy Eat World, other songs by the Eagles, Billy Joel, Evanescence, and a dozen others. And, You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban. My friend D handed it to me one weekend as I left the old house to return here. I listened to it on the way home and cried like a child. He was, in his former career, a sound engineer; I assumed he had burned the CD as a gift. I emailed him when I got home to tell him how much I enjoyed it. He didn’t respond. I figured he was being modest; turns out he was just confused. When my son returned from school for his next visit and I played the CD for him, he laughed as he remembered putting together this wild collection. He told me about Josh Groban (”this guy with a ridiculously beautiful voice”) and I told him my story about getting the CD....
More About: With , Down , Have , Sati , Conversation

Brief hiatus
2006-09-04 15:00:01
Dropped another 5mcg of the thyroid supplement today. That combined with having to yet again work this weekend because I, of course, have no life and wouldn’t mind covering for those who do - and the looming onset of the dark times - means that I shouldn’t be in the company of other humans, let alone venture to write coherently. So I shall away to work through my anger, loneliness, and sadness on my own time.
More About: Hiatus , Brief

2006-08-29 20:48:01
The heart above is to remind me of F, who is going through a hard time. He’s in a safe place now, so I won’t worry about him as much. He’s having problems with his medications and this should straighten them out. We had a good day today - had some more conversations with the new manager; he’s going to turn out OK, I think. I worry more about what he’ll have to deal with from his uppers than anything else. But he’ll find his way. I think it’s helpful to him to talk to me and I try to give him responsible advice. There’s a peer manager there that he’s already found to be helpful; he’s who I would have recommended as well. I’ll have to stop by and thank him tomorrow for that. I’m glad to discover that he’s not nearly as dim as I’d feared. He did give an awful interview, but some people just do. When he left on Friday he clearly was smoked. Asked where to buy the hard stuff as he was leaving ....

Today?s topic is?.
2006-08-27 20:45:02
Misapprehensions (aka Dumb Things People Say and Think) It’s silly to clean the house for the housekeeperThe housekeeper is not a slave. He is paid to provide a service, that service being the cleaning of surfaces in your home. If the surfaces in your home are covered with crap, the housekeeper cannot clean them. Geometry teaches children to think logicallyGeometry teaches children geometry. If you want your children to think logically, start by showing them that you can. I don’t wear a seat belt because I want to be thrown from the car if I have a wreckNo argument there. Women don’t get promotions because they take time off to have childrenOK, we’ll trade. Children always/never require spankingWhat they require are parents who understand that always trying to reason with a child that has not reached the age of reason, or beating a child that has, is not parenting; it is laziness. Spanking is disciplineSpanking is a swat on the butt of a 2-year-old who...
More About: Today , Topic

What this blog is about
2006-08-27 20:45:02
I can tell you precisely why I have chosen this self-aggrandizing topic today (by the way, dictionary.com has gone well, higher tech - impressive and, I think, faster). It has been a week of being shouted down on conference calls, diminished by my coworkers, and being addressed as young lady by the new manager. Don’t worry; he won’t make that mistake twice. But it infuriated me - I was surprised by how much. I shall forgive him - he’s clearly a little thrown by the new job and wants to feel important. He won’t stand on my neck to get there, but he’ll learn that. And, after all, this is SOP for a woman in the working world - even now, sadly. I’m still mad about it - that I can’t control - but I won’t hold it against him. He’ll learn - probably already has after our two-hour conversation on Wednesday - that I’m no one to overlook. Right now, though, I could do an injury to any male that insulted me one more fucking ti...
More About: Blog , What , Hat , About , This

Life affords no greater responsibility, no greater privilege
2006-08-21 20:39:02
With apologies to my son (who can actually write poetry). We had a great weekend and I’m joyous. We’re watching the celebrity roast of William Shatner on Comedy Central (really funny and appropriately tasteless). I’m so happy that I’m tempted to pee on a stick and find out if I’m having a manic episode (just kidding). I have to come up with a new descriptive phrase for my offspring. The boy doesn’t cut it anymore. Oh, it’s not that his 21st birthday is approaching. I’ve just come to realize that he is now a man. He told me this weekend that he’s thinking of doing post-graduate work with the Navy (specifically cryptography). That could change of course, but I was amazed and proud. He has a friend from high school (of whom you will hear someday, don’t doubt it) who is politically active; they have been discussing their aspirations to do great things. They formulated the plan that for them, the military is the best wa...
More About: Life , Ford , Great , Bili , Eater

Sunday at home
2006-08-21 20:39:02
Late afternoon sun Soft shadows from the fan Domestic thrum of dishwasher No thought of chores Memories of days like this Suddenly less precious than This one
More About: Home , Sunday

The seduction of sensibility
2006-08-20 20:36:02
sen·si·bil·i·ty Refined awareness and appreciation in matters of feeling I’m at home today - already clocked more than 40 hours this week but my being home is because I am ill. The fever caught up with me and I need to rest and start the antibiotics before things get worse. Actually, I’ll feel worse as soon as I get the drugs (first scrip wasn’t available, doctor is calling in a new one). Once the battle is engaged it roars furiously for a couple of days. Ninety percent of the infection is gone by then, which is why people are so prone to stop antibiotics early - always a bad idea. Killing that last resistant 10% is the favor that you do humanity. But before the boy arrives to deliver the new drugs, I shall take a moment to write about the allure of well-traveled neural pathways. My thoughts this morning turned (apropos of nothing) to a friend I had years ago. She was suffering from depression and panic disorder. Its being a moderate case combined with her...
More About: Bili , Sens , Seduction

While we try to teach our children all about life, our child
2006-08-20 20:36:02
A haphazard keystroke and the impending arrival of S+1 mean that I shall have to write the post I have in mind later; in the meantime, entertain yourself with a list I’ve been working on: Useless knowledge that I carry around The correct use of a possessive pronoun preceding a gerund What a gerund is The phrase due to was nonstandard usage until the mid-twentieth century; correct usage was either owing to or is due (I still use owing to more often that due to) How many prepositions that I fractiously omit to demonstrate my rebellious nature (and then obsess about them, such as the use of off the merry-go-round instead of off of the merry-go-round in a previous post - I could need therapy) The correct American English spellings of words such as traveled, traveling, canceled, gray, along with the unremittingly abused its and it’s (we won’t even discuss its’) How to use the subjunctive mood How to spell the longest word in common English - pneumonoultramicrosco...
More About: Life , Children , About , Child , While

Tuesday
2006-08-17 20:30:30
09:00 - Wake up brutally tired and agitated, realize you are in bad shape 09:06 - Laboriously type note to folks at work, trying to make eyes focus 09:09 - Send note 09:09:02 - Receive mail delivery failure notice, have misspelled domain for one recipient 09:10 - Correct note and resend 09:12 - Take pills, increase SAM-e to 400 mg again 09:30 - Call PO and leave message; retain no memory of having called him 09:40 - Call local doctor; get cut off 09:41 - Call local doctor again; get hung up on 09:42 - Call local doctor again; receptionist has finally discerned how to operate complex telephony equipment; leave message for doctor 09:56 - Call mortgage company about latest ridiculous confirmation of draft; learn that draft will occur as requested today; attempt to explain how they give impression that department is peopled with Mr. Potato Heads 10:07 - Call HR department concerning latest nastygram about medical leave paperwork; on hold to speak to first representative, who places you...
More About: Tuesday

2006-08-15 20:27:06
I’ve started getting bogus link references to this blog - hijacked links, perhaps. Have not a clue how those happen, though I’m certain it’s something self-serving and/or evil. And thus exhausts the topics of which I am certain. Had to up the SAM-e today - not sure if it’s fallout from the crappy weekend or what. I stare at the 23 hours I have logged already this week - after working a mere 6 hours today - and they have no meaning anymore. This is Monday, right? Right? I have been thinking of him again. Everywhere I look - reruns of You’ve Got Mail and The Princess Bride, shows about bikers and hikers and whatnot - I am assailed. Current frontal assault is from a rerun of Bull Durham. Hard to explain why that one does it. Perhaps The Weather Channel would do it. I am tired, is all; tired and sad. Sleep was strange last night. It’s just what happens. Too much adrenaline, too little sleep.

2006-08-14 20:27:03
We did a little work today - slept mostly. Had another brutal night at the office. This one was supposed to go better; alas, I didn’t get to bed until about 8. Now we are marking time to allow 18 hours to elapse (or close to it) before we take our nighttime meds. The mess last night was caused mostly by careless and cavalier operations staff. When we discovered what they’d done wrong I encouraged them to institute new procedures - unfortunately at this company anything goes. Sent a note to my management about it; about a 50-50 shot that they’ll do anything about it. Had another snafu with an implementation I did for a colleague - him I dragged out of bed to fix the omissions. The dining room is painted - I’m still adjusting to the change. Went with a bold choice of colors - well, bold for me. I go in there once or twice a day to look at it - sort of a desensitization process. It looks great, I just don’t adapt well to change. It cost a fright...