MikeTheLawyer.comMikeTheLawyer.comA collaborative family law blog dedicated to resolving divorce and child custody disputes and preserving parent - child relationships. Articles
Quote of the Month: Divorce
2007-10-01 14:58:00 Divorce is so common that some couples stay married just to be different. More About: Divorce , Quote , Month , Divo , Mont
Divorce Without Dishonor
2007-10-01 00:00:00 A messy and contentious divorce hurts you and your children most. There are alternatives that you should strongly consider if you have decided that there is simply no way to re-build your marriage. Things happen in relationships, sometimes there are things that happen to you, that you simply never intended to have happen or to be a part of your future. When these things do and children are involved, it makes the situation even more difficult to deal with. We've all seen and heard the horror stories and some of us have even experienced them first hand. But there is an alternative to a difficult divorce and one that will leave permanent scars on children that will affect them in their ability to have relationships with others all the way into their own adult lives. In the next several posts, I am going to talk about some of these situations and help you to understand what your options are. First though let's take a closer look at how divorce affects the immediate family. I know pers... More About: Divorce , Divo
How to Accomplish a Healthy Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Divorce can be one of the most devastating events in a person's life. It can be acrimonious, ugly and hurtful; but it doesn't need to be. Divorce can be a road to positive and healthy change. Collaborative divorce can offer an opportunity for a new and happier life. To ensure a healthy divorce, you and your family must accomplish three essential tasks: Let go Develop new social ties Redefine parental roles Letting go is absolutely critical if you are to heal from the divorce and build a new and happy life. It can be hard to let go of the attachments built during marriage. You may yearn for the love, caring, comfort and loyalty your former spouse provided in your life. The process of uncoupling physically and emotionally can engender strong feelings of anger, resentment, hurt and frustration. The constant battling of these powerful but opposite emotions can create a debilitating feeling of ambivalence as your emotions seesaw between elation and depression. This ambivalence -- the a... More About: Divorce , Healthy , Divo , Heal
Grieving for the Death of the Family
2007-10-01 00:00:00 For both parents and children, divorce is like a death. It is the death of the family unit. As with any death, family members will go through distinct stages of grief on their road to recovery. This is the final of four basic principles of divorce that we have been discussing since August 9, 2007 (see our previous posts). Experts say divorce is the most traumatic life event that can occur, after the death of a parent or child. Divorce entails many losses, some obvious and some not. When you divorce you bury: hopes and dreams for the future the love and stability of a secure relationship your identity as a husband or wife for many, a comfortable lifestyle and secure financial future for some, home, school, church and the stability of a known community supportive relationships with friends and neighbors the affections of your spouse's family Recovery from divorce takes time and tremendous personal adjustment for you, your spouse, your children and your families. Each loss must be ack... More About: Family , Death , Grieving , The Family
Don't Use Your Children as an Excuse to Avoid Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Many couples decide not to divorce "because of the children." Parents fear the toll divorce will take on their children: the heartbreak of separation, the emotional strain, the loss of stability, the confusion, the guilt, the anger -- all the emotions they are feeling. What they fail to realize is that staying in a constantly unhappy, angry home takes an even bigger toll on children. The fallacy of staying together for the sake of the children is the third of four basic principles of divorce that we have been discussing since August 9, 2007 (see our previous posts). Staying together for the sake of the children simply does not work. Of course, no child wants his parents to get divorced. But no child wants to live in an unhappy home where his parents are forever fighting. Parental fighting is extremely stressful and damaging to children. Studies have shown time after time that it is far more damaging for children to live in an unhappy, loveless home filled with tension, anger, fighti... More About: Divorce , Children , Excuse , Avoid , Divo
The Leaver and the Left Behind
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Although the decision to divorce is rarely impulsive, both parties do not usually reach the decision to divorce at the same time. There is always someone who leaves and someone who is left. This is the second of four basic principles of divorce that we have been discussing since August 9, 2007 (see our previous posts). The longer people are married, the more rigid they become in their roles and their expectations of each other. One spouse may gradually become uncomfortable or may begin to outgrow her role. Usually the change is private and internal at first. Communication in a deconstructing marriage is usually poor and the dissatisfied individual may not want to upset whatever tenuous balance exists, so doesn't speak out. Feelings of dissatisfaction continue to build until they cannot be denied, often catching the other spouse unawares. A couple may seesaw back and forth about divorce for months or even years: coming closer, moving away, contacting lawyers, entering marital counse... More About: Left
Divorce Is the Result of Years of Unhappiness
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Divorce is the result of years of unhappiness. This is the first of four basic principles of divorce we'll be discussing in our next few posts (see our last post for an overview). Most couples build slowly to divorce. They may not realize what is happening in the early stages. They just feel a pervasive unhappiness and hopelessness about their marriage that deepens over time. Among the feelings that indicate problems in the marriage may be: confusion, disappointment, frustration, anger, rage, sadness, embarrassment, loneliness, hurt, regret or jealously. When they realize their growing dissatisfaction, one or both parties may try marital counseling. Often only one spouse will be willing to admit and work on the "problems" in the marriage. The other spouse may be in denial or may feel he is not at fault and therefore has no responsibility for "correcting" the problem. Things worsen when one spouse feels they are putting more into the marriage than the other. Many couples live in mis... More About: Divorce , Years , Result , Divo
Understanding Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 When a couple gets divorced, friends and family often seem shocked. "But you seemed so happy," they'll say. What they aren't aware of are the long years of unhappiness, dissatisfaction and conflict that have brought a couple to the decision to divorce. Divo rce doesn't happen overnight; it may just seem that way to your friends. There are many reasons a couple decides to dissolve their marriage. Perhaps they were never well suited for each other. They may have outgrown each other emotionally. The marriage may not have been flexible enough to adjust to the stresses and changes that occur with parenthood, jobs or aging. The decision to end a marriage is rarely impulsive. Most couples endure years of unhappiness before calling it quits. They may internalize or deny their feelings. They may become angry or violent. They may try marriage counseling. Often the adversarial nature of the U.S. divorce system brings out the worst in divorcing spouses. Two people who once chose each other an... More About: Understanding
Quote of the Month: Actions
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Actions speak louder than words, and they tell fewer lies. More About: Quote , Month , Mont
How to Avoid the Emotional Traps of Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Divorce is a time of high emotions. Your known world is crumbling and you are struggling to salvage what you can. Your emotions will alternately soar and plummet and may lead you into some common traps. Knowing about and avoiding these traps will help you to weather the divorce more successfully and rebuild your life more quickly. Guilt trap. It is normal to feel guilty. You may feel guilt that the marriage is ending, that you have disappointed your parents, that you are causing your children pain, that you won't be taking the dog for any more walks -- the list of things divorcing people feel guilty about is endless and sometimes even ridiculous. The trap is in acting on your guilt. Do not jeopardize your own financial future by giving your spouse a greater share of the marital property and equity simply because you feel guilty about the divorce. You will need capital with which to rebuild your life too. Do not become the Sugar Daddy Dad who buys his children everything they ask fo... More About: Divorce , Avoid , Divo , Emotional
Things That Won't Help Your Children Cope With Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 When you get divorced, it turns your children's world upside down. Last time we talked about things you should do to help your children cope with the changes divorce creates in their lives (see our August 2 post). But there are also some things you should not do that will make the adjustment easier for your children. Don't be a sugar daddy. Parenting by guilt, giving your child everything he wants, becoming the Disneyland dad (or mom) will not comfort your child. He wants you and your undivided attention in his life, not a lot of meaningless things. Don't ignore discipline. Children need limits to feel safe and secure. By removing the limits and giving in to your child's every demand or temper tantrum, you shift the power from parent to child. Despite his protests, this is not what your child truly wants. Children will push the limits until they reach the safety of the boundaries. By continually extending those boundaries, you deny your child the security he craves. Don't bash ... More About: Divorce , Things , Divo , Cope
What You Can Do to Help Your Children Cope with Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 It's important to help your children accept and cope with your divorce without drawing them into your difficulties and struggles with your spouse. It's a tall order and you may not be successful all the time, but every effort you make will help your children adjust and weather the changes divorce brings more successfully. Remain predictable. As much as possible, continue normal, everyday routines. Family dinners, after school activities, play dates, chores, homework time, visits to grandma's -- all the small routines that have defined your children's lives should be continued. Routine and predictability give your child's life stability. It is important to maintain discipline. Consistent discipline will help your child feel safe and secure at a time when his life may feel out of control. Remain dependable. Let your children know they can count on you. Be on time for activities with your children and pay your child support on time. If changes in routine must be made, tell your ch... More About: Divorce , Children , Divo , Cope
How to Choose the Right Lawyer
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Most couples will choose a lawyer to represent them in a divorce. Even if your divorce is amicable, you will need advice about the law and the services of a lawyer to prepare and file necessary paperwork. While you and your spouse can choose to be represented by the same attorney, it is best to retain your own counsel who will look out for your individual interests, particularly: if there are unresolved custody issues or if there are major disagreements about property or if one spouse dominates the marriage or is intimidating or abusive. Choose a lawyer who specializes in family law. You want someone guiding you who has an intimate knowledge and experience in divorce law. He'll be up-to-date on changes in the law, tax ramifications, custody plans, mediation, the personalities of judges and how best to present your case. Your county bar association can give you the names of several competent lawyers in your area. You might also ask for referrals from recently divorced friends, your ... More About: Lawyer
Should You Sell Your House?
2007-10-01 00:00:00 For some divorcing couples, their house is just a place to sleep at night. They have no emotional investment in their home or community and no children to uproot. For such couples it may be prudent to sell the home to give both parties the capital to start new lives in new locations. For other couples who are heavily invested in their neighborhoods, the family home may represent continuity and stability. Friends, neighbors, churches and schools can provide a powerful support network to help a divorcing family, particularly the children. Staying in the family home may provide necessary stability in your chidren's lives. When deciding whether or not to sell the family home, consider the following: Reasons to sell mortgage payments are too high upkeep will require too much time and energy equity is needed to pay debts and finance new living arrangements for both parties too many bad memories, a psychological need to start fresh debt makes refinancing or buy-out impossible Reasons not ... More About: House , Sell
What Happens When Your Identity Is Stolen?
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Victims of identity theft suffer not only financial loss but tremendous psychological pain and a feeling of violation. They may be harassed by debt collectors and have to cope with serious banking problems, loan rejection or utility cutoffs. They may even face arrest for crimes committed by the person who stole their identity. With passage of the Identity Theft Assumption and Deterrence Act in 1998, identity theft became a crime in America. Federal and state laws often protect victims against financial loss but it is the severe disruption to their lives and the emotional damage that cause victims the most distress. On average, victims spend 600 hours trying to clear financial problems and repair damaged credit. In a recent poll, Americans feared only a terrorist act on the level of 9/11 more than the theft of their personal data. Portrait of a victim. The average identity theft victim is 42 and lives in a large metropolitan area. Eighty-six percent of victims have no relation to the... More About: Stolen
Divorce Without Dishonor Part II
2007-10-01 00:00:00 It is a sorrowful situation when a marriage ends. No one typically has gotten married thinking that they will some day divorce their spouse, but when it happens, children can be protected. We all agree that children are our legacy. Children look to us as role models and shapers of their future. Many children will actually model the parental relationships that they see in their own adult relationships. Sometimes in an effort to replace what they feel they did not get and sometimes in to mimic the relationships that they see themselves. In the previous post, I spoke of one family legacy that carried divorce and problematic relationships into two generations. Now I want to speak of healing. When you consider and use family collaborative law to enact a divorce, not only do you "win" so to speak, but bridges are built that help children in ways that you may not see the wisdom of for many years to come, but there are clearly there. Divo rce is hard, there is a natural grieving process over... More About: Part
Developing New Social Ties After Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Divorce can be one of the most devastating events in a person's life, but it can also be a path to positive and healthy change. Three essential tasks must be completed to ensure a healthy divorce. We talked about letting go in our August 18 post, How to Accomplish a Healthy Divorce. Next you must develop new social ties. Developing social ties is an ongoing process. It will take time to reestablish supportive relationships with your family and build a new social network that embraces your single status. During divorce, you may find some of your friends drifting away for a variety of reasons: Some of the friends you enjoyed as a couple will feel threatened by your single status and be uncomfortable including you in couples-oriented events. Some friends will take sides and you'll lose those who side with your spouse. If you have children or a challenging job or live far from your family, you may find that by focusing on your immediate family you have grown distant from your parents,... More About: Divorce , Social , Divo
Redefining Parental Roles After Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 There are three essential steps to ensuring a healthy divorce (see our August 18 and 28 posts). The final and most difficult step is the redefining of parental roles. You and your spouse must set aside your anger and disappointment with each other for the good of your children and learn to parent together. In their anger and hurt, many divorcing parents try to push the other parent out of their children's lives. This can be disastrous for your children. The two most important factors in ensuring your child's successful adjustment after divorce are: Frequent and continuing interaction with both parents, and Pare nt s' ability to co-parent effectively. You and your spouse must come to an agreement on sharing time with and responsibility for your children. You must respect your child's right to be with his other parent and the other set of grandparents and relatives. You need to find ways for both families to attend school events, sporting activities, teachers meetings, share birthda... More About: Divorce , Divo
Building Your Collaborative Divorce Team
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Collaborative divorce uses a cooperative team approach rather than an adversarial approach to arriving at an equitable divorce settlement. (See our blog posts beginning September 24, 2007.) The make-up of your collaborative team, which you and your spouse choose jointly at the onset, will depend on your individual circumstances. You and your spouse and your individual collaborative lawyers comprise the core of any team. Additional team members may include: Divo rce coaches for each spouse to assist with communication skills, self management and negotiation skills; Financial adviser to provide accurate, impartial financial information, assist in gathering necessary financial documents and provide possible settlement options; Child specialist represents your children, talking with them and you to present their concerns and needs; and Case manager, often one of the coaches, keeps everyone informed and on track. All members of your team should be collaborative professionals dedicated to ... More About: Building , Team , Coll
The Attorney's Role in Collaborative Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 In a collaborative divorce, your attorney is not neutral. He fully represents YOU, but with a change in emphasis and attitude. Instead of taking an adversarial approach, as is typical in most American divorces, lawyers who practice collaborative law emphasize mutual respect and cooperation. With collaborative divorce it is possible to arrive at an amicable settlement that respects the goals and needs of both parties. As in any divorce proceeding, a lawyer who practices collaborative law serves as a resource, educator and advocate for his client. He performs the usual investigations and determinations, helps you organize disclosure documents and understand those provided by your spouse. He will apprise you of your legal rights and obligations and help you analyze the consequences of competing options and possible choices. But he will also try to anticipate conflict, work to achieve creative solutions to problems that are acceptable to both parties, and strive to manage the divorce pr... More About: Divorce , Role , Coll , Divo
Collaborative Law Takes Nastiness Out of Divorce
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Browsing at the video store this weekend, The War of the Roses caught my eye. In the classic nasty divorce movie, divorce attorney Danny De Vito tells the story of an embittered couple, Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner playing Oliver and Barbara Rose, who after 17 years of marriage decide to divorce. A pitched battle for possession of their luxurious home ensues, each party going to increasingly absurd (and comedic) lengths to outmaneuver the other -- to the ultimate downfall of both. It struck me that, though exaggerated by Hollywood, this is the American view of divorce: two infuriated adults, angrily sniping at each other, each trying to get the upper hand and inflict damage, backed up by coldly calculating lawyers. This is the view reinforced repeatedly in movies, on television, on the pages of magazines and in books. In America divorce is acrimonious. Only one side will win. The other side must lose. There was a time when I, too, held this view, until my own experience with ... More About: Divorce , Coll , Divo
Pre-Paid Legal Services Provide Peace of Mind
2007-10-01 00:00:00 There are times in everyone's life when they need the services of a good lawyer. An attorney who practices family law can be an important part of your family's support team. Just as your family doctor has a broad knowledge of medicine, a family lawyer has a broad knowledge of law. An attorney like myself who practices family law is capable of assisting you with the wide variety of legal issues that impact most people's lives. You should always consult a lawyer when you: Buy or sell real estate Sign a contract with financial implications Start a business Are arrested or charged with a crime Have an accident resulting in personal injury Have tax problems Are being sued Initiate a lawsuit Have a change in your family situation such as marriage, adoption or divorce Remember the old saying: He who is his own lawyer has a fool for a client. Contact me if you need a lawyer and consider signing up for prepaid legal services. It's an affordable way to make sure trustworthy legal advice i... More About: Peace , Services , Legal , Paid , Mind
Mastracci Introduces New Identity Theft Protection Plan
2007-10-01 00:00:00 For the last week I've been talking in this space about identity theft. My own recent experience in preventing the potential identity theft of thousands of cancer patients at Johns Hopkins Hospital (see my September 8 post) brought home the importance of fighting this fast-growing crime. With more than 10 million victims every year, it is only a matter of time and luck before each of us personally experiences this devastating crime. In the past week I've shared valuable information you can use to protect yourself from identity theft. While there are many positive steps you can take, there is, unfortunately, no way to totally protect yourself from becoming a victim of identity thieves. Each of us have sensitive personaI data stored on numerous computers across the country. Information about ourselves resides in computers or on data disks that contain medical records, utility information, government data, university alumni lists, bank accounts, consumer credit accounts, retirement p... More About: Identity Theft , Theft , Identity , Plan , Mast
What to Do If Your Identity Is Stolen
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Identity theft rob sits victims both financially and emotionally. The arduous task of repairing your financial records and credit for many is far more devastating than the loss of money. The fastest growing crime in America, we've been talking about identity theft lately (see our previous posts starting with September 8). If, despite every precaution, you become the luckless victim of identity thieves, there are steps you can take to minimize the damage. As you are working to restore your identity and credit, make sure you keep all correspondence and make a detailed record of all your conversations, including date, who you talked to and a summary of what was said. The longer you wait to act, the more damage identity thieves can do and the more costly it will be to you, so take immediate action. Report the theft to the police immediately and request that a theft report be filed. Filing a police report gives you greater protection and may be required by some identity theft protection... More About: Stolen , Identity , To Do
How to Protect Yourself from Identity Theft
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Identity theft is on the fast track to overtake drugs as the most prolific crime in America. With 10 million people falling victim every year, there's a better than average chance that you or someone you know will fall prey to identity thieves. To minimize your risk, the U.S. Department of Justice says, remember the word SCAM: Stingy is what you need to be about giving out personal information to others. Adopt a need to know approach to your personal data. Be suspicious first, so you won't be sorry later. When you open a bank account or apply for a credit card, you may be asked to provide your mother's maiden name to verify your identity. If you call them, they may ask for that information to verify that you are, in fact, you. However, if they call you, they should not ask for information already on file. If they do, suspect a scam aimed at obtaining your personal information. Don't have more information printed on your checks than is required, and particularly not your social s... More About: Identity Theft , Theft , Identity
Identity Theft Is Fastest Growing Crime in U.S.
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Identity theft is the fastest growing crime in the United States. Nearly 10 million people are victimized each year, according to the Federal Trade Commission. Most families in America have had some brush with identity theft and the havoc it can wreak in people's lives. I recently had the opportunity to avert such a tragedy from affecting thousands of cancer patients at Johns Hopkins Hospital (read my September 8 post). The incident made me realize the enormity of this crime, the fear it engenders and the utter devastation it can cause in people's lives. When it happens on a large scale -- the stealing of university, bank, utility or government data bases --identity theft shakes the very foundation of our belief in our country's bedrock institutions. "The crime of identity theft undermines the basic trust on which our economy depends. When a person takes out an insurance policy, or makes an online purchase, or opens a savings account, he or she must have confidence that personal ... More About: Crime , Identity Theft , Theft , Growing , Identity
Common Divorce Myths
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Divorce used to be approached with whispered shame. In the 1940s divorce was scandalous; a divorced woman became a social pariah. In the 1970s divorce was more common but still the stuff of malicious neighborhood gossip. We viewed divorce with angst and regret, the movie Kramer vs Kramer typifying America's response to divorce. Today, one out of every two marriages fails. No-fault divorces allow couples to separate without blame and finger pointing. Regret lingers, but divorce happens and life moves on. Major changes have occurred in divorce law and social acceptance, but myths based on the past live on. Let's debunk a few of the most prevalent myths. If I move out of our house, I'll lose all rights to it. Your house is part of your communal property. It's ownership will be considered fairly during property division. You retain your rights to your home even if you don't live in it. Our house is in my spouse's name, so he'll get the house. It doesn't matter whose name is on t... More About: Divorce , Myths , Common , Divo
Quote of the Month: Belittle
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Don't belittle yourself, your friends will do it for you. More About: Quote , Litt , Month , Mont
Alec Baldwin Snarls in Visitation Fight Over Daughter
2007-10-01 00:00:00 Celebrity divorce makes big headlines. We're often shocked and dismayed by the ugly behavior of our favorite stars toward each other and toward their children. But the hateful game-playing, vicious mud-slinging and child-damaging behavior that grabs Hollywood headlines goes on behind the closed doors of countless American homes every single day. A case in point: In April, Alec Baldwin unleashed a tirade of invective against 11-year-old daughter Ireland, calling her a "thoughtless little pig." Angry that his daughter had missed an appointed phone call, Baldwin went into a rage, leaving a four-letter tirade on the child's answering machine. "Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone," raged Baldwin in his message, adding, "you have insulted me for the last time." After slurring mom, Kim Basinger, Baldwin continued, "This crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother, and you do it to me constantly ove... More About: Fight , Visitation , Daughter
Collaborative Divorce Less Damaging to Children
More articles from this author:2007-10-01 00:00:00 Divorce is devastating to children and their parents. Divorce changes the family structure and each parent's relationship to his children. In many divorces, like the Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger divorce (see our September 4 post), children get caught in the middle between two dueling parents. Unfortunately, it's the children who get hurt. Too often divorcing parents seek to monopolize their child's attention and affection. They may want to hurt the other parent or they may be trying to fill the void in their heart caused by the disaffection of their spouse. The acrimonious battlefield typical of many divorces only fans the flames of fear, anger and frustration. Children are turned inside out by divorce. Their whole world is shaken to its core. To be caught between two battling parents creates severe emotional stress. To a child, each parent is still mom or dad and they love each parent as they always have. Divorcing parents who love their children will recognize this truth and seek ... More About: Divorce , Coll , Divo 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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