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Three Explorers Are Captured...
2007-01-03 02:38:00
??? A Frenchman, an Englishmanand a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says,"The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and thenuse your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how youdie." ??? The Frenchman says, "Itake ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive laFrance!" and drinks it down.??? The Englishman says,"A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at hishead, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.??? The New Yorker says,"Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. TheNew Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, thechest, everywhere.??? There's blood gushing outall over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are youdoing???"??? The New Yorker looks ...
More About: Explorer , Explorers , Capture , Explore , Three

First Class Blondie
2006-12-18 01:52:00
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and ...
More About: First Class , Blond , First , Class , Blondie

Don't Kick the Animals, Man
2006-12-16 03:42:00
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"
More About: Animal , Animals , Anima , The A , Kick

Bribe and Groom
2006-11-27 05:38:00
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''dappreciate it if you''d just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom''s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom''s hand and whispered:...
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Jokes Of Mr.Bean
2006-11-03 05:48:00
Have a Good Laugh!!!1) BRAIN TUMOR:Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?Doctor: Then why are you so happy? Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? Mr. Bean: 9 Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!! 3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C? Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:Friend: What are you looking at? Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!5) Marriage:Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry? Mr. Bean: 16Friend: Why? Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 b...
More About: Jokes , Joke , Mr Bean

Little Voice
2006-10-19 07:53:00
A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.'' A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders. As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?'' The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''
More About: Voice , Little , VOIC , Litt

A Child's Prayer
2006-09-29 16:36:00
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're...
More About: Prayer , Child , Raye , Pray

People Really Said These Things In Court
2006-09-11 16:09:00
Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it u...
More About: People , Real , Things , Thing , Court

Yogi Berra Quotes
2006-09-04 16:57:00
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical." "Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.) "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them." "It ain't over till it's over." "It's deja vu all over again." "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded." "We have very deep depth!" "We made too many wrong mistakes." "You can observe a lot by just watching." more !!.....
More About: Quotes , Quote , Yogi Berra

Religious Nuts
2006-08-31 16:48:00
There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effecti...
More About: Ligi , Nuts , Religious

Mighty Mouse
2006-07-17 04:12:00
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
More About: Mouse , Ouse , Mighty Mo , Mighty