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An Atheist and a Bear
2008-06-09 02:20:00
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You ...
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his is only a bread.... would you eat it !!????
2008-05-29 03:49:00
This is only just a piece of bread....Believe?Would you dare to eat it ? No thank you ...
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Let's Talk
2008-05-27 06:20:00
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?""OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
More About: Talk

Satanic Starbucks
2008-05-24 03:24:00
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn''t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn''t want that room, and they moved on. The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-u...
More About: Starbucks , Satanic

The Magician and the Parrot
2008-05-22 03:00:00
There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!'' The magician chased the bird away.The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot. They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''
More About: Parrot , Magician

Death Row in Women's Prison
2008-03-30 08:48:00
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim?"And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
More About: Death , Prison

The Most Gruesome Death
2008-03-28 20:37:00
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am." The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over t...
More About: Death

Beer Brothers
2008-03-26 09:46:00
A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together." The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." ...
More About: Brothers , Beer

Religious Nuts
2008-03-26 09:44:00
There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week. The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effecti...
More About: Nuts , Religious

Breaking the News is Worth a Beer
2008-03-26 09:40:00
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls 50 feet to the ground below and he is killed instantly.After the coroner leaves with Steve''s body, Bob volunteers to inform Steve''s wife of the terrible news. Some two hours later, Bob returns to the work site with a six-pack of beer under his arms."Say, Bob, where did you get the six-pack?""Steve''s wife gave it to me!""What! You just told her that Steve died and she gave you a six-pack?""Well, before I broke the news to her, I asked her if she was Steve''s widow. And, she said she wasn''t, so I said I''d bet her a six-pack she was!"
More About: News , Beer , The News , Worth , Breaking

The Christmas Elf Massacre
2008-03-26 09:38:00
Buy me a beer if you want the story toldOf why I moved down South from the frost and cold.Why I'm knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.Why I've given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells --And why I'll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.You'll never see this elf make angels in snow.Hey thanks for the booze ? so I guess here it goes: "Twas the night after Christmas in the North PoleNo creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul. Santa's house appeared eerily silentBut inside the fat man was hungry, was violent. This workshop of toys for kids of all agesWas filled with elves quaking in cages.Who woke up from their long winter's naps To find themselves snared in a devious trap.Hours before I had been bingeing on nogPassed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga.I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages. Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages. Then what to my horrified eyes should appearBut a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf b...
More About: Massacre

Mighty Mouse
2008-03-26 09:36:00
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
More About: Mouse , Mighty

Hit TV Shows in Iraq
2008-03-26 09:35:00
"Husseinfeld""Mad About Everything""U.S. Military Secrets Revealed""Suddenly Sanctions""Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest""Matima Loves Chachi""Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs""Wheel of Fortune and Terror""Iraq ''s Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers""Achmed''s Creek""The Price is Right If Saddam Says It''s Right""M*U*S*T*A*S*H""Veronica''s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses""Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque""When Kurds Attack""Just Shoot Me""My Two Baghdads""Diagnosis Heresy""Everybody Loves Saddam Or He''ll Have Them Shot""Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things""Burka Baywatch"

Working On The Fourth Husband
2008-03-26 09:34:00
A woman announces to herfriend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hopeyou don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?""He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.""Oh, how tragic! Whatabout your second husband?""He atepoisonous mushrooms too and died.""Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.""He died of a broken neck.""A broken neck?""He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
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Grass Eater
2008-03-26 09:33:00
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate."Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." "Bring them along!" the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
More About: Grass , Eater

Smoking in the Rain
2008-03-26 09:31:00
Two old ladies were waitingfor a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old ladyreached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over hercigarette and continued to smoke.Her friend saw this andsaid, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over yourcigarette?"The other old lady said,"It's a condom.""A condom? Where doyou get those?"The lady with the cigarettetold her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladiesarrived downtown, the old lady with all thequestions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. Thepharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested incondoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"The old lady thought for aminute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."
More About: Rain , Smoking

Drinking Politics
2008-03-26 09:30:00
A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!""Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down.""That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?""Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says."Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The...
More About: Politics , Drinking

The Vow of Celebracy
2008-03-26 09:27:00
The Vow of Celebracy The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying."The R! They left out the R!""What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

The Local Strip Club
2008-03-26 09:26:00
Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doin?'' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. ''Oh no,'' says Dave. ''He's on my bowling team.'' When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, ''You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.'' ''No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.'' A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. ''Hi, Davey,'' she says, ''Want your usual table dance?''Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside he...
More About: Local , Club , Strip

Texas Trooper
2008-03-24 00:53:00
Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??'' The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!'' ''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.'' The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face. ''What was that for?'' asked the passenger. ''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''
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Milking it
2008-03-13 07:19:00
A woman and a baby were in the doctor?s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. ?Breast fed,? the woman replied. ?Well, strip down to your waist,? the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, ?No wonder this baby is under weight! You don?t have any milk.? ?I know,? she said, ?I?m his grandmother, but I?m glad I came.?

Little Nancy's Pet
2008-03-12 02:21:00
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?""My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Irish Pub Sausage
2008-03-10 01:22:00
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I...
More About: Irish , Sausage

Heaven and Hell
2007-09-17 11:57:00
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven ."This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?""My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"
More About: Hell , Heaven and Hell

The Aging Explorer
2007-09-17 11:56:00
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
More About: Explorer , Aging , Xplorer

Fall-Down Drunk
2007-09-17 11:54:00
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep."You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said."Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?""You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
More About: Drunk , Fall

While the Cat's Away
2007-09-17 11:52:00
A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?""Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

That Darn Cat There was this cat who loved to ge...
2007-07-10 06:18:00
That Darn Cat There was this cat who loved to get drunk, who went to the bar on the other side of the tracks.He stayed all night long and got so wasted he could barely stand up, much less walk.The cat starts to stumble home, and when he came to the train tracks, he didn't notice a train coming down the tracks. As he started to cross the tracks, the train zoomed by, and cut off his tail. The cat turned his head to see the damage, got his head stuck into the side of a speeding box car, and is instantly decapitated. The moral of the story ? don't lose your head over a piece of tail!

Satanic Starbucks
2007-06-08 04:51:00
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity. The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on. The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the ...
More About: Starbucks , Satanic , Buck

Let's Talk
2007-06-08 04:50:00
A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?""OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"
More About: Talk