My Menopausal Musings

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The Real Lesson Learned
2007-07-24 06:53:00
What I have learned so far is that the only person who truly did not see the value in my love was me. Throughout my story I have placed the blame for my display of emotion on my raging hormones. That is only partially true. I still cry every day. In fact, I am crying as I write this, but I don?t think I can blame all of my tears on hormones. Some of my tears are good.No, that is not true. All of my tears are good.Perhaps it is because I am more comfortable in my own skin. This is a function of my weight loss and of my acceptance of myself.I am heartbroken.I have been heartbroken for years for a variety of reasons. Only now is it exposed. Only now do I attempt to share my pain with others.I now realize that none of my friends ever thought I was perfect. It was me that attempted to present that image. They just never told me I was naked. A testament to their love really. Now that I am sharing my vulnerability with them they are standing there with me.I have come to realize that the fe...
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The One Year Mark
2007-07-12 04:35:00
It?s really quite amazing that I have hit the one year mark. One year of musings. One year closer to 50. The last year has gone by so quickly. In the blink of an eye I have had a sexual awakening; brushed against my fear of mortality; come to terms with the fact that my body and my mind are on separate courses; and probably most profoundly exposed my soft inner being for the first time in years. Exposed myself enough that I have been overwhelmed by the fullness of my own heart, how it can break and that I can survive both. My hormones must still be out of whack. I await the results of yet another blood test from doctors to confirm what I already know. I am careening into menopause.Now that I have hit this one year landmark, I feel compelled to examine my progress. When I began I felt afraid and sure at the same time. Looking back I think the driving force was anger. I was angry with the unfairness of the world. I was angry because I didn?t have a penis ? of my own or othe...
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The One Year Mark
2007-07-12 04:35:00
It’s really quite amazing that I have hit the one year mark. One year of musings. One year closer to 50. The last year has gone by so quickly. In the blink of an eye I have had a sexual awakening; brushed against my fear of mortality; come to terms with the fact that my body and my mind are on separate courses; and probably most profoundly exposed my soft inner being for the first time in years. Exposed myself enough that I have been overwhelmed by the fullness of my own heart, how it can break and that I can survive both. My hormones must still be out of whack. I await the results of yet another blood test from doctors to confirm what I already know. I am careening into menopause.Now that I have hit this one year landmark, I feel compelled to examine my progress. When I began I felt afraid and sure at the same time. Looking back I think the driving force was anger. I was angry with the unfairness of the world. I was angry because I didn’t have a penis – of my own o...
More About: Mark , Year

Recovery
2007-06-26 06:05:00
I fear am setting myself up for abuse. I am feeling more than reckless. I spy Relo Man on line and decide to drop him a line looking for solace. He responds. He is kind. He wants to meet. We make a date. I know it is the wrong thing to do. So does he. We plan to meet on the coming Monday. I cry myself to sleep throughout the weekend. Monday arrives. Relo Man does not call. He offers no explanation. I am so angry I write to him and tell him how I feel. I spew bitter words not meant for him but for The Bartender.New men make contact on the internet and I am blocking them right and left. Because my heart is broken I contemplate taking risks that I never thought I would even consider, but in fact I am not up for any more rounds of dating at the moment and instead stay in the safety of my home and lose myself in work.
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Recovery
2007-06-26 06:05:00
I fear am setting myself up for abuse. I am feeling more than reckless. I spy Relo Man on line and decide to drop him a line looking for solace. He responds. He is kind. He wants to meet. We make a date. I know it is the wrong thing to do. So does he. We plan to meet on the coming Monday. I cry myself to sleep throughout the weekend. Monday arrives. Relo Man does not call. He offers no explanation. I am so angry I write to him and tell him how I feel. I spew bitter words not meant for him but for The Bartender.New men make contact on the internet and I am blocking them right and left. Because my heart is broken I contemplate taking risks that I never thought I would even consider, but in fact I am not up for any more rounds of dating at the moment and instead stay in the safety of my home and lose myself in work.
More About: Recovery

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
2007-06-16 23:50:00
It was time. We made a date to break up. It was unspoken but I knew. We had been down this road before but never with such conviction. The Bartender looked sad as he crossed my threshold. We both knew that harsh words would be spoken and that both of our hearts would break that day. He said he wasn?t choosing her over me. But he did not stay. He said that he needed to put out one fire before starting another. But the fire was already burning. He was wounded when I suggested that he didn?t really care. He was wounded and cried. But he did not stay. We had breakup sex. Then we made love. I wept bitterly as I orgasmed. Then he cried and held me. But he did not stay. We were complete in each others arms. But he did not stay.He left.I wept.I shouldn?t have, but I called him as he left my building. He said it was too hard to say goodbye again. He didn?t want to leave me. But he did not stay. He didn?t want to hurt me. But he did not stay.The echoes of my cries filled the roo...
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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
2007-06-16 23:50:00
It was time. We made a date to break up. It was unspoken but I knew. We had been down this road before but never with such conviction. The Bartender looked sad as he crossed my threshold. We both knew that harsh words would be spoken and that both of our hearts would break that day. He said he wasn’t choosing her over me. But he did not stay. He said that he needed to put out one fire before starting another. But the fire was already burning. He was wounded when I suggested that he didn’t really care. He was wounded and cried. But he did not stay. We had breakup sex. Then we made love. I wept bitterly as I orgasmed. Then he cried and held me. But he did not stay. We were complete in each others arms. But he did not stay.He left.I wept.I shouldn’t have, but I called him as he left my building. He said it was too hard to say goodbye again. He didn’t want to leave me. But he did not stay. He didn’t want to hurt me. But he did not stay.The echoes of my cries fill...
More About: Hard , Breaking , Breakin

My Heart is Breaking
2007-06-10 00:57:00
The following day I am out for a smart cocktail with friends when The Bartender calls. I am happy to hear from him and assume he is calling to confirm our date. The conversation started innocently enough. A funny story. Laughing together. Talking about our pending date.Then he says it.He doesn’t think he can go on.I tell him he’s cruel to even start this conversation on the phone when he knows we can’t finish it. Harsh words are spoken.He is wounded.I am crushed.My heart is being stomped on and he says he can’t talk anymore. He’s too upset. HE’S too upset. Is he kidding? Who’s delivering the blows? He hangs up the phone and I cry. I wonder if he is crying alone in his room.I didn’t know I could feel this way. I pull myself together and rejoin my friends.The next morning he called to apologize for being so angry on the phone. I am afraid to losing him. The Bartender knows I am worried and scared, so he came over just to be with me. Hold me. He wanted to be near me jus...
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My Heart is Breaking
2007-06-10 00:57:00
The following day I am out for a smart cocktail with friends when The Bartender calls. I am happy to hear from him and assume he is calling to confirm our date. The conversation started innocently enough. A funny story. Laughing together. Talking about our pending date.Then he says it.He doesn?t think he can go on.I tell him he?s cruel to even start this conversation on the phone when he knows we can?t finish it. Harsh words are spoken.He is wounded.I am crushed.My heart is being stomped on and he says he can?t talk anymore. He?s too upset. HE?S too upset. Is he kidding? Who?s delivering the blows? He hangs up the phone and I cry. I wonder if he is crying alone in his room.I didn?t know I could feel this way. I pull myself together and rejoin my friends.The next morning he called to apologize for being so angry on the phone. I am afraid to losing him. The Bartender knows I am worried and scared, so he came over just to be with me. Hold me. He wanted to be near me just because he kne...
More About: Heart , Breaking , Breakin

The Second Date
2007-06-01 04:54:00
We plan to meet in front of the museum. I am excited about our second date and arrive a bit early. The day is lovely so I wait outside on the museum steps. The Bartender walks up and greets me with a kiss. We go inside to peruse the art. We are holding hands. Laughing. Touching each other. After an hour we decide to leave the museum and he announces that he has some errands to run.I am wounded. An hour! I only get one hour. We walk down the street with his arm around me. I am clearly upset. The Bartender hugs me and I burst into tears. I am not good at being vulnerable. He says he?ll walk me to work but my eyes are swollen from crying. We sit on the stoop of a brownstone and he comforts me. He tells me how much he cares for me. He tells me more secrets about his past. I feel like he?s testing me ? seeing if I?m shocked and want to run away. I remain and he tells me more secrets. I cannot help myself. I look at him and point out that surely he must know that I am in...

The Second Date
2007-06-01 04:54:00
We plan to meet in front of the museum. I am excited about our second date and arrive a bit early. The day is lovely so I wait outside on the museum steps. The Bartender walks up and greets me with a kiss. We go inside to peruse the art. We are holding hands. Laughing. Touching each other. After an hour we decide to leave the museum and he announces that he has some errands to run.I am wounded. An hour! I only get one hour. We walk down the street with his arm around me. I am clearly upset. The Bartender hugs me and I burst into tears. I am not good at being vulnerable. He says he’ll walk me to work but my eyes are swollen from crying. We sit on the stoop of a brownstone and he comforts me. He tells me how much he cares for me. He tells me more secrets about his past. I feel like he’s testing me – seeing if I’m shocked and want to run away. I remain and he tells me more secrets. I cannot help myself. I look at him and point out that surely he must know that...

The First Date
2007-05-24 22:50:00
The Bartender called me from the road. He asked how I was. I lied and said I was fine. He told me of his woes. He was sad and although I was feeling angry and betrayed by his inability to love me, I listened and gave solace.Discussions with The Bartender take a turn. He is sharing more intimate details of his life, his past and his desires. I am feeling bolder yet still there is a distance. I have finally admitted to myself that I am in fact in love. It actually physically hurts me. It makes me want to cry, to wring my hands in despair. I know The Bartender is conflicted. Clearly, so am I. He calls me several times from home and we are both anxious for his return. When The Bartender returns from his trip he calls me and we plan to meet for a lunch date. We are actually going to meet in public in the neighborhood he works and lives in. Just the thought of this first date makes me feel hopeful.It is hot outside and I dress in crisp white linen showing off my tan. We mee...

The First Date
2007-05-24 22:50:00
The Bartender called me from the road. He asked how I was. I lied and said I was fine. He told me of his woes. He was sad and although I was feeling angry and betrayed by his inability to love me, I listened and gave solace.Discussions with The Bartender take a turn. He is sharing more intimate details of his life, his past and his desires. I am feeling bolder yet still there is a distance. I have finally admitted to myself that I am in fact in love. It actually physically hurts me. It makes me want to cry, to wring my hands in despair. I know The Bartender is conflicted. Clearly, so am I. He calls me several times from home and we are both anxious for his return. When The Bartender returns from his trip he calls me and we plan to meet for a lunch date. We are actually going to meet in public in the neighborhood he works and lives in. Just the thought of this first date makes me feel hopeful.It is hot outside and I dress in crisp white linen showing off my tan. We mee...

Getting in Shape
2007-05-04 03:52:00
As the days grow warmer and longer I make a pact with girlfriends to power walk every morning. We are determined. We will have divine toned bodies. I know that 50 is now merely a year away and the support of these women will help me in my quest to be more like Tina Turner by my next birthday. I make a secret vow to myself that by the time my 49th birthday arrives I will be in such good form that I can begin to secretly sing and dance in my apartment ? in heels ? to ?Proud Mary? each morning to supplement my walk. I vow to have legs like Tina?s within the year.The first walks are difficult. All things considered I am sure that sex is a much better workout. Sex is strength building; good for the heart and the skin. Sex stops my hot flashes. I could go on and on, but most importantly I never mind doing it. At any given moment I am happily ready for a workout.
More About: Shape

Getting in Shape
2007-05-04 03:52:00
As the days grow warmer and longer I make a pact with girlfriends to power walk every morning. We are determined. We will have divine toned bodies. I know that 50 is now merely a year away and the support of these women will help me in my quest to be more like Tina Turner by my next birthday. I make a secret vow to myself that by the time my 49th birthday arrives I will be in such good form that I can begin to secretly sing and dance in my apartment – in heels – to “Proud Mary” each morning to supplement my walk. I vow to have legs like Tina’s within the year.The first walks are difficult. All things considered I am sure that sex is a much better workout. Sex is strength building; good for the heart and the skin. Sex stops my hot flashes. I could go on and on, but most importantly I never mind doing it. At any given moment I am happily ready for a workout.
More About: Shape

The Bartender Continues
2007-04-20 05:27:00
His father is sick. As he was preparing for his own dysfunctional trip home, this time The Bartender reached out to me. He comes to see me and this time he is more vulnerable. His vulnerability allows me to expose more of myself. I was more open with him than I had ever been with myself. Not only was there absolute abandon in our lovemaking, but with our emotions. I know the intent of the tryst was to say goodbye yet again, but it felt more like a doomed hello.At that moment I knew I was in love with him. I did not say the words but I knew it was true. I asked him what he wanted. He said he didn?t want anything to change. I was wounded to the core but did not say the words. I wanted him to be by my side always. I needed him to never leave me. I felt most like myself in his arms. Again he could not see his way clear to do what would make him happy and I could not see a way to continue in this way.He told me he was leaving to visit his family. I knew that it would be more traumatic th...
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The Bartender Continues
2007-04-20 05:27:00
His father is sick. As he was preparing for his own dysfunctional trip home, this time The Bartender reached out to me. He comes to see me and this time he is more vulnerable. His vulnerability allows me to expose more of myself. I was more open with him than I had ever been with myself. Not only was there absolute abandon in our lovemaking, but with our emotions. I know the intent of the tryst was to say goodbye yet again, but it felt more like a doomed hello.At that moment I knew I was in love with him. I did not say the words but I knew it was true. I asked him what he wanted. He said he didn’t want anything to change. I was wounded to the core but did not say the words. I wanted him to be by my side always. I needed him to never leave me. I felt most like myself in his arms. Again he could not see his way clear to do what would make him happy and I could not see a way to continue in this way.He told me he was leaving to visit his family. I knew that it would be more traumatic ...
More About: Conti , Tender

Old Faithful
2007-04-07 05:14:00
The funny thing about going through menopause is that you think you’re home free. You may be getting hot flashes but your menstrual cycle stops. Or so you think. I had gone for nearly eight months without a cycle. My whole life I have known when I was getting my period. I was so in tune with my cycle that I knew an hour before it would happen. I was never caught by surprise, until now. There were no cramps, no typical warnings. At the end of our second date I asked Opera Man up for a drink. Opera Man kissed me. He touched me and then, like a geyser, I exploded. There was no way to hide and no way to explain how I could not have known what was about to happen. It was as though the floodgates had opened. In spite of his youth, Opera Man was more adult about the situation than I was. He stayed with me, spooned me and slept the night in my bed. It was very sweet. I can’t understand how I can get such tenderness from a virtual stranger and not from the man I seem to hav...
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Old Faithful
2007-04-07 05:14:00
The funny thing about going through menopause is that you think you?re home free. You may be getting hot flashes but your menstrual cycle stops. Or so you think. I had gone for nearly eight months without a cycle. My whole life I have known when I was getting my period. I was so in tune with my cycle that I knew an hour before it would happen. I was never caught by surprise, until now. There were no cramps, no typical warnings. At the end of our second date I asked Opera Man up for a drink. Opera Man kissed me. He touched me and then, like a geyser, I exploded. There was no way to hide and no way to explain how I could not have known what was about to happen. It was as though the floodgates had opened. In spite of his youth, Opera Man was more adult about the situation than I was. He stayed with me, spooned me and slept the night in my bed. It was very sweet. I can?t understand how I can get such tenderness from a virtual stranger and not from the man I seem to have fo...
More About: Faithful

Opera Man
2007-03-31 14:25:00
In a brief attempt to forget The Bartender, to move on, I agreed to meet a charming young man for yet another museum outing. We arrange to meet at the Museum of Natural History. He calls me as I am on my way to let me know he is there waiting for me. He admits that he is nervous about meeting me. He is absolutely adorable. We wandered through the museum for hours. I happily agreed to join him for a drink as we left the museum. We laughed and flirted with each other then he kissed me. We weren?t quite ready to part so he asked me to a movie. We sat in the back row and kissed like we were in high school. Opera Man is more than charming. He is smart and attentive. We plan another date. Opera Man wants to see me again. For a brief moment I forget the fact that The Bartender has chosen his other life rather than a life with me.

Opera Man
2007-03-31 14:25:00
In a brief attempt to forget The Bartender, to move on, I agreed to meet a charming young man for yet another museum outing. We arrange to meet at the Museum of Natural History. He calls me as I am on my way to let me know he is there waiting for me. He admits that he is nervous about meeting me. He is absolutely adorable. We wandered through the museum for hours. I happily agreed to join him for a drink as we left the museum. We laughed and flirted with each other then he kissed me. We weren’t quite ready to part so he asked me to a movie. We sat in the back row and kissed like we were in high school. Opera Man is more than charming. He is smart and attentive. We plan another date. Opera Man wants to see me again. For a brief moment I forget the fact that The Bartender has chosen his other life rather than a life with me.

The Bartender (Yet Again)
2007-03-22 20:03:00
Freed from the shackles of my mother’s house I returned to New York. I am still sad and feel small. Men from a variety of internet dating sites have written to me but I have no interest in starting another round. I do not respond.In a moment of weakness I decide to reach out to The Bartender . Fearing rejection, I call in the evening when I know he is at work. My intent is to leave a light-hearted message saying hello. Instead, at the mere sound of his voice I crumble and leave a tearful message telling him I’m sad and didn’t know else who to call.He calls me early the next morning and offers to come to my rescue. As he crosses my threshold we fall into each others arms. We make love for hours and he soothes me by telling me that I am all the things I hope to be. I am none of the things my mother claims. His eyes are kind and loving and he reveals another piece of his soul to me. We part and say that we shouldn’t see each other again. We both know we are lying, but we say it ...
More About: Tender

The Bartender (Yet Again)
2007-03-22 20:03:00
Freed from the shackles of my mother?s house I returned to New York. I am still sad and feel small. Men from a variety of internet dating sites have written to me but I have no interest in starting another round. I do not respond.In a moment of weakness I decide to reach out to The Bartender . Fearing rejection, I call in the evening when I know he is at work. My intent is to leave a light-hearted message saying hello. Instead, at the mere sound of his voice I crumble and leave a tearful message telling him I?m sad and didn?t know else who to call.He calls me early the next morning and offers to come to my rescue. As he crosses my threshold we fall into each others arms. We make love for hours and he soothes me by telling me that I am all the things I hope to be. I am none of the things my mother claims. His eyes are kind and loving and he reveals another piece of his soul to me. We part and say that we shouldn?t see each other again. We both know we are lying, but we say it anyway.
More About: Tender

When I Grow Up
2007-03-10 19:36:00
Some people have known since they were small what they wanted to do. They have a passion for music or science, a sense of belonging. When I was little I wanted to be someone else. I would watch old movies and want to be one of those happy people on the screen.I wanted to be Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I just never wanted to leave the Emerald City. I never understood why she would leave that beautiful place where everyone sang just so she could go back home to Kansas. In fact, I still think the final lesson in the film is misplaced.I wanted to be Pollyanna and create rainbows in people’s homes. I wanted to have scathingly brilliant ideas. In fact, for a very long period of time I thought if I tried hard enough I could be Hayley Mills. When I was alone I was Hayley Mills.When the astronauts went into outerspace I wanted to be with them. For hours I would sit in the middle of fields in North Dakota waiting for aliens to come and pick me up. I figured that if they were smart enough t...
More About: Grow

When I Grow Up
2007-03-10 19:36:00
Some people have known since they were small what they wanted to do. They have a passion for music or science, a sense of belonging. When I was little I wanted to be someone else. I would watch old movies and want to be one of those happy people on the screen.I wanted to be Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I just never wanted to leave the Emerald City. I never understood why she would leave that beautiful place where everyone sang just so she could go back home to Kansas. In fact, I still think the final lesson in the film is misplaced.I wanted to be Pollyanna and create rainbows in people?s homes. I wanted to have scathingly brilliant ideas. In fact, for a very long period of time I thought if I tried hard enough I could be Hayley Mills. When I was alone I was Hayley Mills.When the astronauts went into outerspace I wanted to be with them. For hours I would sit in the middle of fields in North Dakota waiting for aliens to come and pick me up. I figured that if they were smart enough to ...
More About: Grow

Suicide
2007-03-03 06:42:00
The child of an acquaintance has had a boyfriend commit suicide. She wonders if the same experience had an impact on how I love. Of course it has. There is no way to avoid it. She just has to remember that the gulf between our experiences is that I have never discussed my boyfriend’s suicide with anyone, much less my mother. This child’s mother is listening with open arms.It has been more than 30 years. For some reason I choose this moment to tell my Mother that a friend has asked me to talk to this teenage girl. To share our unique experience. My Mother merely gives me a disapproving look. There is no discussion. No concern over how I might feel about it. No discussion of the past. No discussion period. She merely lights a cigarette and turns up the television. Another thing that apparently did not happen.I leave my mother’s house an hour before I need to. She says goodbye. No hug. No kiss goodbye. No have a safe trip. I cry all the way to the airport only pulling myself toge...
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Suicide
2007-03-03 06:42:00
The child of an acquaintance has had a boyfriend commit suicide. She wonders if the same experience had an impact on how I love. Of course it has. There is no way to avoid it. She just has to remember that the gulf between our experiences is that I have never discussed my boyfriend?s suicide with anyone, much less my mother. This child?s mother is listening with open arms.It has been more than 30 years. For some reason I choose this moment to tell my Mother that a friend has asked me to talk to this teenage girl. To share our unique experience. My Mother merely gives me a disapproving look. There is no discussion. No concern over how I might feel about it. No discussion of the past. No discussion period. She merely lights a cigarette and turns up the television. Another thing that apparently did not happen.I leave my mother?s house an hour before I need to. She says goodbye. No hug. No kiss goodbye. No have a safe trip. I cry all the way to the airport only pulling myself together t...
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My Mother’s Eyes
2007-02-23 06:11:00
On my last trip home something happened that caused me to admit a terrible truth to myself. The mother I love; the mother I fear; is the mother I loathe. We cannot have a conversation where I am not the stupid one; the one who is uncaring; the one who lies. I knew this brief trip home would be stressful. I was not disappointed. No one was happy. We had arguments over nothing in particular. Never saying what we feel. My family is filled with damaged people. As my trip was coming to an end, my Mother and I were exchanging pleasantries – probably because I had bought food and left a check. During the course of her monologue regarding all of the stupid and annoying people she has known, she complained of the running toilet that has only made that racket since my arrival. She also complained of the racket made by the people talking outside. I live in Manhattan. I tell her I hadn’t really noticed the noise. She asks what is wrong with me and complains that I must be hard o...
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My Mother, My Self
2007-02-12 06:25:00
I remember going to the theater to see the most frightening movie I have ever seen. To this day it brings chills and the thought of it brings up deep-seeded feelings of fear, hate and terror. Although the film title is unassuming, I am not aware of anyone who may have seen it that was unmoved. For me it was like seeing my deepest secrets on the screen for everyone to see. I was exposed. The movie was ‘Ordinary People.’There in front of my eyes was the woman I still am afraid of becoming. Mary Tyler Moore somehow morphed into a seemingly cold-hearted woman unable to express any emotion. In the throws of unspeakable family tragedy she remained unwilling to bend. Unwilling to express love or vulnerability. My fear. My Mother .That is how I was nurtured. How I feared I would nurture others. The heart of why I decided before I had even had sex that I would have no children. The fear that my children would feel as unloved as I did was enough to seal my fate. I vowed to never have child...
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Loneliness
2007-02-05 22:27:00
Family duties called and I braced for a trip home. As I prepared for my trip I tried to express my sorrow to my best friend. It’s true that I am having financial trouble for the first time in 15 years. But that is not the source of my sadness. I am about to visit my family but that is not the source of my sadness. The true reason for my sadness is that I am lonely. I want someone to spoon with. I want someone to be alone together with. I want someone to kiss goodnight. I want someone who misses me when I’m gone. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for, but I don’t know how to get it. I don’t know how to tell my friends that it why I am so sad. Because I am often the source of strength I don’t think they believe I have the same insecurities they do. Again I cry. Am I so emotionally crippled that I’ll never recover? Will I ever be able to honestly tell anyone the depth of my fears? If I cry when I feel love does it scare people away? I fear that the onl...
More About: Ness , Loneliness , Line , Lines , Lone