My Menopausal Musings

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Suicide
2007-03-03 06:42:00
The child of an acquaintance has had a boyfriend commit suicide. She wonders if the same experience had an impact on how I love. Of course it has. There is no way to avoid it. She just has to remember that the gulf between our experiences is that I have never discussed my boyfriend’s suicide with anyone, much less my mother. This child’s mother is listening with open arms.It has been more than 30 years. For some reason I choose this moment to tell my Mother that a friend has asked me to talk to this teenage girl. To share our unique experience. My Mother merely gives me a disapproving look. There is no discussion. No concern over how I might feel about it. No discussion of the past. No discussion period. She merely lights a cigarette and turns up the television. Another thing that apparently did not happen.I leave my mother’s house an hour before I need to. She says goodbye. No hug. No kiss goodbye. No have a safe trip. I cry all the way to the airport only pulling myself toge...
More About: Suicide , Cide

My Mother’s Eyes
2007-02-23 06:11:00
On my last trip home something happened that caused me to admit a terrible truth to myself. The mother I love; the mother I fear; is the mother I loathe. We cannot have a conversation where I am not the stupid one; the one who is uncaring; the one who lies. I knew this brief trip home would be stressful. I was not disappointed. No one was happy. We had arguments over nothing in particular. Never saying what we feel. My family is filled with damaged people. As my trip was coming to an end, my Mother and I were exchanging pleasantries – probably because I had bought food and left a check. During the course of her monologue regarding all of the stupid and annoying people she has known, she complained of the running toilet that has only made that racket since my arrival. She also complained of the racket made by the people talking outside. I live in Manhattan. I tell her I hadn’t really noticed the noise. She asks what is wrong with me and complains that I must be hard o...
More About: Eyes , Other , Hera

My Mother, My Self
2007-02-12 06:25:00
I remember going to the theater to see the most frightening movie I have ever seen. To this day it brings chills and the thought of it brings up deep-seeded feelings of fear, hate and terror. Although the film title is unassuming, I am not aware of anyone who may have seen it that was unmoved. For me it was like seeing my deepest secrets on the screen for everyone to see. I was exposed. The movie was ‘Ordinary People.’There in front of my eyes was the woman I still am afraid of becoming. Mary Tyler Moore somehow morphed into a seemingly cold-hearted woman unable to express any emotion. In the throws of unspeakable family tragedy she remained unwilling to bend. Unwilling to express love or vulnerability. My fear. My Mother .That is how I was nurtured. How I feared I would nurture others. The heart of why I decided before I had even had sex that I would have no children. The fear that my children would feel as unloved as I did was enough to seal my fate. I vowed to never have child...
More About: Other , Self

Loneliness
2007-02-05 22:27:00
Family duties called and I braced for a trip home. As I prepared for my trip I tried to express my sorrow to my best friend. It’s true that I am having financial trouble for the first time in 15 years. But that is not the source of my sadness. I am about to visit my family but that is not the source of my sadness. The true reason for my sadness is that I am lonely. I want someone to spoon with. I want someone to be alone together with. I want someone to kiss goodnight. I want someone who misses me when I’m gone. I don’t think it’s too much to ask for, but I don’t know how to get it. I don’t know how to tell my friends that it why I am so sad. Because I am often the source of strength I don’t think they believe I have the same insecurities they do. Again I cry. Am I so emotionally crippled that I’ll never recover? Will I ever be able to honestly tell anyone the depth of my fears? If I cry when I feel love does it scare people away? I fear that the onl...
More About: Ness , Loneliness , Line , Lines , Lone

Foot Man
2007-01-27 07:28:00
The days were beginning to get warmer and my hot flashes hotter. My spring fever was raging and the Real Scientist was nowhere to be found. My only male contact was with The Englishman who kept reappearing on my screen. I needed to get a hold of myself. This was no way for a grown woman to act. I must however admit that I was enjoying the salacious nature of my encounters with the Englishman. It was my dirty little secret. This transatlantic cyber relationship seemed harmless and safe and I was quite comfortable keeping the naughty details all to myself.Just as Memorial Day was approaching I received a charming e-mail from a suburban man who regaled me with compliments. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and, in spite of his overwhelming New Jersey accent and occasional mysterious reference to feet, I agreed to meet him one morning for a walk in the park. On the day we met, Foot Man arrived in New York two hours early and called to let me know. His eagerness was someho...

The Real Scientist
2007-01-22 20:37:00
As my transatlantic cyber affair continued and I my body ached for The Bartender, an attractive age-appropriate, geographically-desirable man arrived on the scene. After a chat session that had me in fits of laughter and a quick phone conversation, we agreed to meet at the Museum of Natural History to peruse dinosaur bones.The date was delightful. We grabbed a bite for lunch and then wound our way through the museum and into Central Park, talking and laughing all the while. It was still very cool out and we nestled into a park bench for warmth as we shared more of our stories. The date ended with a walk to the subway and a quick kiss goodbye. As he was presumably globetrotting and buried with work I would have occasional e-mails from him on his travels suggesting that we try and catch up in person soon. My friends were all routing for this funny and smart man. If the truth be told, so was I. There was no real spark with The Real Scientist , but I liked him and thought that per...

Desperation
2007-01-15 06:15:00
I am feeling desperate, both emotionally and sexually. I am crying more regularly and thinking of The Bartender. I am obsessively surfing the web in search of a man. I can’t leave it alone.One night on my journey through cyberspace a request for a chat session flashes up on my screen. Yet another young man desiring an older woman is on the other end. This one however has a twist. He is in England. He is handsome, smart, charming with adorable dimples and 34 years old. We chatted for some time but it didn’t take long for things to take a naughty turn. I was surprising myself at the words that were coming from the tips of my fingers and onto the screen. A lesson learned from my encounters with The Naughty Boy. A few moments later he invited me to view his web cam. In another first for me this year, I accepted his invitation.There he was in all his glory – 34 years old; 6’3’; slender; handsome and naked as the day he was born. Clearly aroused, I egged him on and was excited b...
More About: Desperation

Possession
2007-01-08 15:23:00
My body is possessed. The hot flashes are constant and the only thing that seems to be able to cool my face is the constant stream of tears that seems to spring forth on the hour. I cannot stop the tears. The sadness within me feels like another person trying to escape. Surely this deep sorrow cannot be mine. I need an exorcist. The problem is that I believe I know the source of my sorrow. I am lonely. I am lonely for a best friend. Someone who will be by my side through thick and thin. Someone who will not be afraid of my tears. Someone who wants to stay with me even when I try to push him away.I am beyond lonely. It might be the hormones. I barely get a break between hot flashes. Even so, I think the truth of the matter is that the loneliness is real. The hormones are merely making me feel so insecure that I cannot hide the loneliness from myself any longer. The power of my own emotion scares me.In addition to the flashing and the tears I seem to have an uncontrollable urge for se...
More About: Possession , Sion

Spring
2007-01-02 05:07:00
The problem with this particular transition is that it is spring. I definitely have spring fever. It is also one of the busiest times of the year in real estate. My hormones are raging. Once again my multitasking skills are challenged and I fail.For example, one Saturday I left my house with the specific intention of running errands and picking up a few sundries at a local drugstore. I am focused and ready for the task at hand. I leave my house and walk up the street. On my way I pass by the manicure shop. I’m thrilled that in 10 minutes they can fit me in – besides it’s time for the removal of my ever-sprouting facial hair. I run up the street toward the drug store. On my way I pass by Starbucks. In spite of the fact that it is only 50 degrees outside, my hot flash pulls me in to order a large iced beverage.As I attempt to pay for my iced latte, I can’t seem to figure out what bills to pull from my pocket. My phone rings and luckily I have on reading glasses. I...
More About: Spring , Ring

Happy Holidays
2006-12-20 01:34:00
It’s that time of the year again. We’re all running around like mad, spending more money than we have, eating more cookies than we need and drinking more smart cocktails than we should. The overindulgence is causing me to reflect upon excesses in the last year.Bread.Smart Cocktails.Surfing the web.Internet Dating.Younger men.Someone else’s man.Hot flashes.My life has been filled with excess. I confess I’ve cried a lot about it but through the tears I have laughed a lot as well. I have enjoyed every second of it and am looking forward to what the next year will bring.I will be taking a few days off over the holidays and hope that those of you who have become devoted readers will be sure to pick up where we left off on New Year’s Day.To those of you who have fallen behind….. get busy and catch up! I’ll be looking for your comments ;-)Big kiss.M
More About: Holidays , Holiday , Happy Holidays , Happy , Days

Meanness
2006-12-18 00:01:00
Weeks have passed since my last encounter with The Bartender – the encounter that was supposed to be our goodbye. He calls but doesn’t have the time to talk. So why has he called? He tries to redeem himself. He says he didn’t want me to think he’d forgotten about me, forgotten that he said he’d call. I wonder, is this a new ploy for sex? He wants to meet for breakfast to talk. He does not have the time to talk on the phone now. He’s got to run. So why did he call? So I can be the one to say he out of line? So I can be the one to sound needy? So he can have the position of power? So I can be angry? Why do people find that meanness is the solution for separation? If you have been close with someone and truly care for them, why would you be hateful? Make no mistake; I understand the hurtful things said during a fight, the words that escape from deep within that slice like daggers through the air. Words we never mean to say and will be quickly retracted and hopefully...
More About: Ness , Anne

The First Brick
2006-12-13 19:44:00
Perhaps I’m being too sensitive. Those that know me and know my hormonal state might say that is true. I still cry at the drop of a hat, but in all honesty I have begun to welcome the openness, the honesty with which I am beginning to treat my own feelings. I surprise myself at my willingness to at least try to be vulnerable. It’s an amazing sensation after having spent nearly half a century being on guard. My father was in the military during my formative years. Each time we moved I would become what I thought was expected in each new school. I would be dramatic. I would be fun. I would be exotic, eating only mustard on my hamburgers. I would cry in the lunchroom over the death of a much-loved pet – mind you I have never in my life had a pet. The effect was quite compelling. My new-found friends surrounded the exciting newcomer.My parents never knew of my secret life. I’m sure they were in their own adjustment period each time we moved. They would go out a lot,...
More About: Rick , First , Brick

The Cyber-Date
2006-12-11 01:37:00
After Johnny so many e-mails came in from the various sites I had joined that it was overwhelming. With each block I was sent another hit. One communication was so surprising, and I was so lonely, that I responded. He was beautiful. Studly Nightshade was a stunning specimen of a man who sent a charming and smart e-mail. I immediately agreed to call him. He immediately made it clear that he was interested in two things. One, a big butt and two, sex with the person who had that big butt. He was going to lose out on both counts. So much for Studly Nightshade. Someone that beautiful was clearly too good to be true. All was not lost. That very evening, while recovering from a particularly bad day of hot flashes, I received and instant message from a gentleman who has recently relocated from the west coast to expand his business. He also did not have a photo posted but his messages were kind, respectful and fun. He asked me to go out for dinner with him at that very moment.Re...
More About: Cyber

Round Nine
2006-12-09 01:53:00
And so, now it is time for the ninth round of dating. There are more men rejected in this round than in any other. In spite of that I am trawling around the internet in search of the perfect man. One evening, as I wandered through cyberspace on my continued quest to stop my hot flashes, I think I may have found the perfect man. His profile is perfect. He mentions one of my favorite spots. He is age-appropriate. In spite of the fact that he is so new on the site and therefore has no photo, I send an e-mail and he quickly responds with an invitation for coffee. I agree to meet him and ask what he looks like. He tells me that he looks like a younger Johnny Carson. I agree to meet him at my favorite coffee shop. I arrive and the regular waitress looks suspicious. I am on time and, spotting no one that looks like Johnny, sit at an empty table. The waitress looks at me as though I’m doing something wrong. As I open my paper to read a gentleman comes from the men’s room. Her...
More About: Nine , Round

Sharing
2006-12-07 03:43:00
I’m not sure what I should be doing at this point. My base desires are still getting the best of me. Incredibly, I long for romance as I muddle through my endless days of work. Hormones are rocking my world. I still cry at least once a day. Sometimes I cry for myself. Sometimes I cry for someone else. The other day the sky turned periwinkle with streaks of pink as the sun was setting and I had to stop walking down the sidewalk to cry at the sheer beauty of the colors.I am finding it easier to share how I am feeling about what is happening in my life. I have discovered that it is okay to cry as I share my feelings with my friends and they are feeling better about letting me do it. I am constantly surprised by others reactions to the changes in me. For the most part the reaction has been positive. A few are frightened by what I view as progress in my personal journey. They seem shocked and uneasy with the idea of my being candid about my life with them. One day in an effort ...
More About: Ring , Sharing , Shari , Hari

A Shift in Focus
2006-12-05 14:34:00
I have been remarkable busy at work. While you may not think so, real estate is really a seasonal business. Spring is approaching and everyone will feel like making a change. It’s time to make the big push, nab those new apartments to sell and coddle buyers so they remember that I’m their gal when it’s time to buy. I am working weekends and preparing for a sales convention out of town. I try to forget the fire burning within my body but it cannot be done. I find myself killing time at a quiet open house by reading a book recommended by The Bartender. He still calls me regularly. I try to resist but it’s hard with the constant reminders he delivers. On the eve of my business trip I can resist no more. I agree to let The Bartender come over for one last romp. I am undeterred and press him to explain himself. What is it he wants? Why won’t he leave me be? Is he really surprised by my growing feelings in response to his attentions? He has nothing to say. He is sudde...
More About: Focus , Shift

Unwanted Attentions
2006-12-02 01:10:00
What’s a girl to do? I seem to be emitting pheromones that alert men of all ages to my situation. I have no control over my body. Walking down the street men turn heads and smile. I go to a diner slovenly dressed and with no make-up on, yet men glance in my direction and wink waiting for my response. Can they really know how I feel? Are they merely responding to the residual heat emitting from my body because of the rapid succession of hot flashes? I am as they say in a pickle. I do not want to call The Bartender. The thought of Uncle Fester is just too much to think about. I focus on my upcoming date with Senior Man. His photo is quite handsome and I am hopeful for some kind of relief.Senior Man has arranged for us to meet at a lovely mid-town restaurant that I’ve been dying to try. I spend quite a bit of time deciding what to wear. Showing up naked would make my intent for the evening clear, but perhaps a bit too direct. I decide to wear a skirt. I seldom show my...
More About: Want , Wanted , Attention , Tent

My Body is On Fire
2006-11-29 06:11:00
The hot flashes continue. The waves of heat rippling through my body only serve as a reminder that my body and soul ache for a man. I seem to have a need for male contact, a need for sex that is more than just a passing fancy. Do other menopausal women experience this same blind lust? My libido seems to be epic in size. I constantly contemplate the male form. I miss The Bartender, but know that I shouldn’t even consider him as an option for my relief. I briefly consider the idea of casual sex – sex for the sake of sex – but realize that I am not cut out for it. I don’t want to put my fire out. I want to find someone who can keep it burning. I want someone who will fan the flames so that they never go out. I can’t explain exactly what I’m looking for but feel sure I’ll recognize him – the man who welcomes my tears and breathes in life from my laughter. At the same time, I’m afraid that person doesn’t exist, that I’ve been alone for so long that my fan...
More About: Body , Fire , My Body

Uncle Fester
2006-11-27 20:10:00
While I am trying to forget The Bartender by having cybersex with this young man I receive a charming e-mail from someone new. This new man regales me with terrible blind date stories that have me in fits of laughter. He has just signed up so he has yet to put a photo on line. In spite of that, I was completely won over by his humor. He admits to looking like Uncle Fest er on the Addams Family. I am undeterred. I decide to meet him at my favorite coffee shop. Surely the waitress there has missed me. I’m also quite sure that she and I will both be amused by this particular meeting.I arrive at the coffee shop a little early to settle in and prepare myself for the possibility of having coffee with Uncle Fester. I begin to feel a little apprehensive about the fact that there is no liquor available at this establishment. I don’t actually notice when Fester first enters the coffee shop. What I notice is the surprised look on the waitress’ face. It’s not a look of concer...
More About: Este

Naughty Boy
2006-11-25 01:21:00
While I am exchanging e-mail with my charming and age-appropriate man, another man sends me an e-mail – yet another young man in search of his Mrs. Robinson. This feels like an epidemic! How can so many young men have the same fantasy? I discuss this issue at length with my girlfriends. We are amazed. How can our bodies, ravaged by gravity and sprouting unwanted hair, be the source of a young man’s fantasy? We are surprised but decide that it’s best not to question something so lovely. This young and Naught y Boy doesn’t send an e-mail but starts with an instant message. Still experiencing difficulty with multitasking I actually miss the first one and send him a thank you note. Imagine. I think that a young man attempting to send an instant message to a strange older woman in the middle of the night expects a thank you note. Sometimes I amuse myself and I laugh out loud at what I have done.The following night, the moment I log on he sends me another instant message....

Moving On
2006-11-22 15:48:00
I am sure that I have no more tears to shed. It is time to move on. I log on to the internet and begin to peruse the websites once again. One day while recovering from the man-brow incident I receive an e-mail from yet another dating service. There are dating services for everyone. I can’t believe there are so many of them! I am more than curious. This one caters to senior citizens. I decide that it is a sign. Perhaps I should be dating someone with giant wiry brows to rival my own. I log on and sign up. It can’t possibly be crazier than any other site I’ve visited. I wonder if it will be filled with senior citizens, if I will I be the youngster on-line this time.I nervously await e-mail from AARP members. And then, there it is. I take a deep yoga breath, open my eyes and open the e-mail. The first communication I receive is from a 44 year old man. Unbelievable. I never expected that my elderly suitor would be younger than me. Senior Man is thoughtful and sends ...
More About: Moving , Ving

My Valentine
2006-11-20 19:18:00
Over the next two weeks The Bartender continues to call me on a daily basis. I am more than happy to hear from him but it is keeping me from moving on. I tell him that it is just too difficult. He must stop. I cannot talk to him any longer. Days pass and he does not call. It takes every fiber of my being not to call him. I know that Vale nti ne ’s Day is approaching. If he calls I’ll be distraught. If he doesn’t call I’ll be more distraught. The day arrives and I know that I must keep myself busy. I wake up and before I am even dressed I have begun to work and am so focused that when the phone rings I answer it without even looking to see who is calling. It is The Bartender. I am happy and sad at the same time. He calls me his Valentin e. He asks if he can bring me flowers. I muster all of my strength. I intend to tell him that I am happy he called but the answer is no. I am sure that the word no is forming on my lips. What comes out of my mouth is yes. I rush ...
More About: Lent

Unfinished Business
2006-11-19 13:41:00
The Bartender provided enough distraction to interrupt at least two rounds of dating. It’s no one’s fault but my own. I should have powered though and not permitted my infatuation with a man, who I must admit I knew was unavailable, to interrupt my musings. I think I’ll just start fresh. Start a new round. See if I can impress upon my friends to help find men who do not reside in cyberspace.In realizing the flaws in my unfinished business with rounds past I have discovered during my quest for a relationship, that I too am flawed, that I have made bad choices, that I have been unlucky in love. I am also more than lucky. I am surrounded by people who will love me forever, people who recognize my flaws even though I am unable to admit that they exist. I realize that it is not the same as having a life partner, but the value of the love of friends cannot be dismissed. They have helped to teach me to believe that it is possible to love and trust someone else as much as they...
More About: Business , Unfinished , Ness , Finish , Sine

Old-Man Brows and Other Hair Sorrows
2006-11-18 08:07:00
I have had enough of being maudlin. I need a distraction and am happy to make plans for a date with an Accountant/Film Maker. As I prepare for my date I struggle with how to put on mascara while wearing reading glasses. As I peer in the mirror, there it is. A stray old-man-hair is sprouting from my brow. One of those long and wiry hairs you see growing from old men’s brows that tangle together and form a shelf protecting their faces from the rain. Nothing can tame it. I try water. I try brushing it. I try styling gel. As a last resort I try trimming it. Nothing works. It sticks straight out and is now nearly lethal in its shortened state. I could actually put out someone’s eye with it! I decide that, in spite of the fact I could leave a bald spot in the middle of my brow, it should be removed. I fill in the bald spot with pencil and still meet the Accountant/Film Maker for a smart cocktail. He may have been charming but it didn’t matter. I drank a martini and ...
More About: Other , Hair , Sorrow

Real Tears
2006-11-14 06:40:00
I cried for the next two days. The night The Bartender left I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up the next morning I cried because I could still smell him on the pillow next to me. I couldn’t seem to get dressed so I thought a bubble bath would make me feel better. I surprised myself by the sound of my own sobs as they echoed against the bathroom tile – the same bathroom where he had lovingly washed my hair as we showered together. My cries came from a place so deep inside that I cannot even describe it. My sorrow is physical and I am consumed by it. I finally got myself out the door and into my office. The phone rang and it was The Bartender. He called to see how I was doing. I had asked him not to call. He said he wouldn’t call, but there he was on the phone saying he missed me and talking about how his day was going. I barely got through the rest of the day. My tears would spring forth for no reason at all and I didn’t know what to do with them. I reached out...
More About: Real

More Hot Flashes
2006-11-02 07:06:00
Between the next rounds of dating was a little more down time than usual. It wasn’t just me; everyone was spending less time on personal matters and turning all attention to politics and the war. It seemed as though my hot flashes were running as hot as the political debates. The hot flashes were never ending. I was not sleeping as well as usual. I wake myself up in the middle of the night because I am wildly ripping the clothes off my body. I am alone. I am just hotter than hell. It’s unbelievable. I am finally comfortable and drift back off to sleep only to awaken because I am so cold that I must get up to retrieve the duvet from the floor. Months of practice have enabled me to strip and merely throw the duvet to the side for easy recovery. My sleep is interrupted a bit less. Friends are considering hormone replacement therapy to subside their hot flashes. Others are talking about herbal teas and tincture of sage. I am not ready to go there yet. While I am occas...

Three Plus One
2006-10-28 06:22:00
Round Three has been very disappointing, but all is not lost. Faux 60 Year Old Man resurfaces and joins the roster. I am incredibly happy to hear from him. During this period of time he makes contact on several occasions and I am delighted. When he is with me he is kind, smart, thoughtful and vulnerable about personal issues that are impacting his life. I don’t want to be, but I believe I am smitten. I truly enjoy his company even when we aren’t having earth-moving aerobic sex. He couldn’t be more inappropriate or unrealistic or wrong for me. Even worse, each time he resurfaces I realize that I have actually missed him. I cannot deny that it is true. The encounter is more than fun, but his youth is beginning to annoy me, especially how he communicates – only via e-mail. The menopausal synapses finally connect and I realize that he has all of my contact information but I have none of his. Not everyone spends their life on the web. I am sure other women are receiving yellow ro...

My Date with Benjamin
2006-10-19 06:05:00
It is date day. He calls me and I explain that I find myself in his home town. He offers to drive me home and to take me out in the city. Without hesitation I agree. So much for the mad planning of menopausal women.Frantically, I shower and dress while having a hot flash. It is August, and while my friend is also having hot flashes, her husband is very thin, never hot and has no understanding of why I am sweating, swelling, yelling, crying and gasping for breath. I have fifteen minutes to be ready. The solution? Teething rings left in the freezer from years gone by placed between and under each breast. I am just beginning to breathe normally and the doorbell rings. My friend and I are paralyzed. Her husband befuddled. Insisting that my friend stay in the kitchen – I know her nose was pressed up against the window as I left – I go to answer the door for my mystery date. He is exactly what he represented. He is young, cute and smart. Stepping out with my most vivacious self, I hop...

The Mrs. Robinson Fantasy
2006-10-17 06:08:00
Then there were a few freaks thrown in. Thank God most of the on-line dating services allow you to initially communicate anonymously and to block unwanted attempts at communication. Then they come pouring in. There are a couple of flirtations that seem as though they might go somewhere. It was still too soon to tell.Then along came an entirely different kind of flirtation. He was cute, fair and younger than springtime. He began with what seemed like a sincere question about my on-line profile. He wondered if I truly loved dinosaur bones. Many e-mails were anonymously exchanged. We only have the information we have chosen to share about each other and what is supposed to be a recent photo. I wonder why he likes me and I ask him why he has chosen to flirt with a woman so much older – he is only 36. Is he typically attracted to older women?He says I am beautiful.And so the instant messaging conversations begin. The first one is more than flirtatious but does not cross the line. He is...
More About: Fantasy , Robinson

My First Date
2006-10-16 06:07:00
Within 48 hours the first viable flirtation came in. He was about my age, attractive, similar career path but, having a penis of his own, still gainfully employed in the business world. It seemed right. I was optimistic. After the exchange of several e-mails we agreed to meet for a date. I was nervous. It had been so long since I had been on an actual dinner date that I wasn’t sure how to act. I’m a 48 year old woman and it was necessary for a girlfriend to come over to help me pick out what to wear. A couple of hours passed modeling possible outfits and working on hair and makeup. I was beside myself. My girlfriend suggested a drink but I decided it would be wrong to be drunk at the beginning of my date. I considered taking a valium but decided that could end badly as the evening progressed.I decided that a smart cocktail upon arrival at the restaurant would ease my nerves enough and if it was really that bad, I would just skip dinner and come home. My makeup was perfect; my ha...