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My Menopausal Musings

My Menopausal Musings
M is a single woman, living and working in New York City, careening into menopause. Struggling with a mid-life career change, hot flashes and the insanity of middle aged internet dating, she has a unique perspective on love, life and the pursuit of

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The Birth Festival
2008-05-14 03:15:00
For as long as I can remember, I have been celebrating birth festivals rather than birthdays. Being a summer baby, friends have always been gone for my birthday so I decided to go for all the gusto. At first, I decided my birthday should last a full month. As I have gotten older, I have extended that time so that my Birth Festival lasts from one month before, straight through one month beyond the actual day. For my 50th Birth Festival I decided to celebrate the entire year.A big part of the celebration was to reunite with three dear friends I have known since I first moved to New York. Around the time of September 11, 2001 these three girlfriends that live in England and I agreed that we would begin saving for our 50th birthday bash. We have known each other since we were 21 and while we have remained in touch over the years, September 11th was the catalyst for us to stay even closer in touch. Our get-together would be a week of partner-free, child-free silliness that would celebrat...

California Dream
2008-04-30 04:21:00
While I have been building walls around me to help me deal with the witness of a loved one?s grief, a beautiful man has been calling me to see how I am doing. Before any of this tragedy happened, a very handsome man sent me a lovely e-mail. I was more than disappointed to discover that he was in California . I don?t think either of us thought about it, but he was kind and gentle and fun to talk to. He came out of the blue. I was afraid that I would not be able to remain strong for my friend. I could feel the mortar hardening between the bricks as I lay the walls that would protect me on my visits. Each time I lay a new brick California Dream would be on the other end of my phone taking the brick away. When I would feel blue, like magic my phone would ring. It was clear we were somehow growing fond of each other. I didn?t know what to make of it, but I looked forward to each and every one of his calls and e-mails.

A Little Perspective
2008-04-19 03:50:00
While I am trying to find out whether or not dating can mend a broken heart, I am confronted with true sorrow. One of my best friends in the world calls to let me know that his partner is not expected to live more than a few weeks. I am stunned. His young body was attacked by cancer for a few short months. It is untenable that he could lose his battle so quickly. I realize how much love they have for each other and how tragic it is that their love will be ripped from this physical world. Within days of the initial call my friend calls to let me know that his partner has died. My heart breaks for them both and I make plans to visit. When I arrive I am overwhelmed. This time it is not my hormones that are the cause for my tears. The living room has been converted into a bedroom and is filled with reminders of death. We work hard to remove medical supplies and to bring some beautiful reminders of his partner?s young life back into the room. The sorrow of loss is pushed back ...
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The Architect
2008-03-18 23:08:00
Soon after the Irishman, I am surprised at my attraction to an age-appropriate man. The Architect ?s internet profile is brief and to the point, but laced with quite a bit of humor. His photo is quite handsome. After a very quick e-mail exchange we chat on the phone and agree to meet for a drink.We met at a lovely spot in the Village. I arrived before he did and wondered if he would be as handsome as he was in his photo. I was not disappointed. He was a bit older and a bit more disheveled than he was in the on-line photo, but his unruly hair somehow added to his charm.We talked easily for a couple of hours. He seemed open about where he was in his life. He was very recently divorced. I found him to be quite charming, although I wondered if he had a bit of OCD. In any event, I agreed to let him drive me home and we made plans for another date a few days later.Our second date is brunch. Again we chat easily and talk of future plans to get together. The Architect walks me home and I inv...

The Irishman
2008-02-26 05:53:00
I have cried enough.I am resolved to move on.So much for my resolve to stop surfing the internet.I log back on to the internet dating sites in search of a man and discover that a charming Irishman has sent e-mails asking to meet me for a drink. He is attractive, charming and attentive. After our first date he makes it clear that he is available for a relationship. He calls or sends me an e-mail every day. My heart isn?t quite in it, but I agree to meet him for a second date.We have a lovely time over dinner. The Irishman draws me out and I tell him that I was heartbroken. He wants to know if I am truly ready for a relationship. I tell him I am. I want to be ready, but feel myself on the verge of tears as I tell this lie.He kissed me goodnight and we made plans to see each other again. A few days later I sent him an e-mail telling him that I am not as ready as I thought I was. I never saw him nor heard from him again.

True Confession
2008-02-01 07:18:00
In an effort to reclaim my favorite haunt in the New Year, I began to return to the bar on evenings I knew The Bartender would not be working. Each time I ended in a flood of tears.A part of me wants to call his home number and tell her about me so she will be heartbroken too. I look at his number on my cell phone every day and resist hitting send. I think about calling his home number when I know he is at work so that I can hear her voice. I want to know what it is that makes him want to hear her voice when he wakes and before he sleeps.I cried every day after he left me. The calls during the holiday season left me more than wounded for Valentine ?s Day. I cried every waking minute that day. I probably shouldn?t have done it, but I sent an e-card to The Bartender on that day. Part of me was looking for a finale. Part of me was looking to have him back in my bedroom.I found myself staring at the computer screen letting the words flow from my heart through my fingertips and, forgettin...
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?Tis the Season Again
2007-12-16 03:41:00
The year has flown by. My hot flashes are running rampant. It is the dead of winter and I am sweating as I walk down the street. The thought of Christmas shopping in crowded stores is overwhelming. Unless it can be purchased on the internet and delivered on time for Christmas, there will be no presents under my tree this year. My friends and their families will be joining me for both Thanksgiving and for Christmas dinner. I love hosting the holiday meals and love to be surrounded by the people I love and who love me. It has become a tradition and I look forward to the holidays each and every year. There could be no better way to tend to my broken heart. I am happily preparing for the holidays. Shopping. Cooking. Holiday Parties. I feel like I?m ready to move on, to reclaim my life. Festivities were under way and I was feeling happy. The lack of sex made my hot flashes come more frequently and I was self-medicating with carbohydrates, but I was feeling good. Then The Barten...
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Mr. Right Name Returns
2007-11-12 21:37:00
My heart has been broken but I seem to have survived. It’s true that I have cried uncountable tears and eaten more carbohydrates than anyone should be allowed, but I have survived. As I contemplate what the next chapter in my life will be, my phone rings. To my surprise, Mr. Right Name is on the other end of the phone. He is persistent and I am flattered. Since I have not responded to his e-mails, he has decided to call to tell me he’d like to see me again. We chat easily and I agree to meet him for a movie.Date night arrives and I surprise myself at how excited I am that this kind and handsome man wants to date me. I take special care in getting ready for our date. I get up early in the morning and go out for a manicure and pedicure. I eat something sensible for lunch and then shower and peruse my closet for a suitable outfit. I put on a simple skirt and t-shirt and, since Mr. Right Name isn’t that much taller than I am, take care to select shoes that are not too high...

Mr. Right Name Returns
2007-11-12 21:37:00
My heart has been broken but I seem to have survived. It?s true that I have cried uncountable tears and eaten more carbohydrates than anyone should be allowed, but I have survived. As I contemplate what the next chapter in my life will be, my phone rings. To my surprise, Mr. Right Name is on the other end of the phone. He is persistent and I am flattered. Since I have not responded to his e-mails, he has decided to call to tell me he?d like to see me again. We chat easily and I agree to meet him for a movie.Date night arrives and I surprise myself at how excited I am that this kind and handsome man wants to date me. I take special care in getting ready for our date. I get up early in the morning and go out for a manicure and pedicure. I eat something sensible for lunch and then shower and peruse my closet for a suitable outfit. I put on a simple skirt and t-shirt and, since Mr. Right Name isn?t that much taller than I am, take care to select shoes that are not too high. I?m...

Happy Halloween Meme
2007-10-28 05:08:00
Well, now!!!! It seems as though I've been tagged again.... this time by dear Puddock from across the pond. In honor of my baby sister's birthday, a holiday I adore and an homage to a genre of movies I can't get enough of on those sleepless menopausal nights here we go.Apparently the premise is easy and even my brain which is one big hot flash this evening can follow the rules. Name my favorite scary movies that have either a science or ocean/water theme.... then see if anyone else would like to play :-)First, I am a product of the cold war culture. I would spend Sunday afternoons watching the movies that were the representation of what life would be after nuclear holocaust. And so... my favorite of the genre....The Amazing Colossal Man (1957)Lt. Col. Glenn Manning is inadvertently exposed to a plutonium bomb blast at Camp Desert Rock. Though burned over 90% of his body, he survives, and begins to grow in size. As he grows, his heart and circulatory system fail to keep pace with ...
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A Love Letter
2007-10-12 07:26:00
I love you.I love your mind.I love your imperfect body when it is with my imperfect body and how we fit together perfectly.I love how you cry at injustice. I love how you make me feel about myself. I love how my heart opens when I am with you.I love how when are bodies are pressed against each other we cannot distinguish our heartbeats.I love how it feels to take down the bricks one by one when I am with you. I love that you have helped me to be less fearful about exposing myself. What is most difficult for me is that you clearly don’t love me with the same breadth. I thought you did, I even believed you told me you did. I was wrong, but I am better for having loved and lost. To tell the truth I still hold out hope that you’ll discover how much you miss me. That you will learn about me what I have learned about myself. I am a woman to be reckoned with. I am a woman whose love is so powerful it can be scary, but that love can form a protective shield around you. I may not get you...
More About: Love , Letter , Love Letter

A Love Letter
2007-10-12 07:26:00
I love you.I love your mind.I love your imperfect body when it is with my imperfect body and how we fit together perfectly.I love how you cry at injustice. I love how you make me feel about myself. I love how my heart opens when I am with you.I love how when are bodies are pressed against each other we cannot distinguish our heartbeats.I love how it feels to take down the bricks one by one when I am with you. I love that you have helped me to be less fearful about exposing myself. What is most difficult for me is that you clearly don?t love me with the same breadth. I thought you did, I even believed you told me you did. I was wrong, but I am better for having loved and lost. To tell the truth I still hold out hope that you?ll discover how much you miss me. That you will learn about me what I have learned about myself. I am a woman to be reckoned with. I am a woman whose love is so powerful it can be scary, but that love can form a protective shield around you. I may not get you in ...
More About: Love , Letter , Love Letter

So Many Lessons Learned
2007-10-04 15:34:00
What I have found most amazing on my journey is that I have confronted my fears and survived their wrath. I am no longer afraid to show my tremendous capacity to love. I am also no longer afraid of being loved. I am not afraid of the rejection when my love is shunned. My heart breaks, but it does not kill me.Now that I do not have The Bartender?s body, my hot flashes continue on a daily basis. The shift in hormones over the last year seems to have made me more emotional, more vulnerable, yet I once again seem to have focus. I am multitasking again and business is beginning to pick up and I am finding other places to share my heart. I have begun to work on charities and finding great joy in it.For the moment I think I?m done with surfing the World Wide Web for men. My heart is taken but I am willing to offer it up to another honorable man should one actually cross my path. I realize that my growth came from within, but I also realize that The Bartender was the catalyst for much of my...
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So Many Lessons Learned
2007-10-04 15:34:00
What I have found most amazing on my journey is that I have confronted my fears and survived their wrath. I am no longer afraid to show my tremendous capacity to love. I am also no longer afraid of being loved. I am not afraid of the rejection when my love is shunned. My heart breaks, but it does not kill me.Now that I do not have The Bartender’s body, my hot flashes continue on a daily basis. The shift in hormones over the last year seems to have made me more emotional, more vulnerable, yet I once again seem to have focus. I am multitasking again and business is beginning to pick up and I am finding other places to share my heart. I have begun to work on charities and finding great joy in it.For the moment I think I’m done with surfing the World Wide Web for men. My heart is taken but I am willing to offer it up to another honorable man should one actually cross my path. I realize that my growth came from within, but I also realize that The Bartender was the catalyst for much o...
More About: Lessons , Learned

Is Santa Naughty or Nice?
2007-10-03 05:36:00
I know, I know. It's a bit early, but Santa and his elves have been busily at work all year and have made this special request of me which I pass along to those that I suspect may need a little help getting on his "Nice " list.I rarely interrupt my story, but when Santa makes a request, we all want to be sure that we end up on the nice list. Goodness knows I should be doing all I can to make sure I get on his good side!Anyway..... Who knew Santa was a blogger? How can we possibly not fulfull this wish as he has fulfilled ours over the years? It's really quite simple. Santa has asked that bloggers join together to create a little excitement as we lead in to the holiday season with some fun activity to put us into the spirit.According to Santa, here's what needs to be done. We write a story together!Those of us who have been tagged by Santa or his elves simply need to add 2 lines to the text below. In those lines, one word should link to your own blog and the post should include a l...

A New Beginning
2007-09-24 01:24:00
School is about to start. The autumn has always felt like a new beginning for me. The crispness in the air. The smell of new crayons.Once again The Bartender reappears to break my heart. When we last broke up I told him that there were two reasons he could contact me – if he was truly single and ready to pursue a relationship with me or if he had decided to marry and spend the rest of his life with this other woman. I thought I deserved that courtesy. So when he called and wanted to see me, I foolishly thought he had come back to me because he has made a decision to change his path. During this same time Katrina hit New Orleans. My family is there and I am terrified. The Bartender remains by my side and is with me the moment I discover that, while my mother refused to leave, my baby sister has safely left the Crescent City. The relief was so great I wept bitterly in The Bartender’s arms. I was beyond happy that he was there for me. When he left that day it was the end...

A New Beginning
2007-09-24 01:24:00
School is about to start. The autumn has always felt like a new beginning for me. The crispness in the air. The smell of new crayons.Once again The Bartender reappears to break my heart. When we last broke up I told him that there were two reasons he could contact me ? if he was truly single and ready to pursue a relationship with me or if he had decided to marry and spend the rest of his life with this other woman. I thought I deserved that courtesy. So when he called and wanted to see me, I foolishly thought he had come back to me because he has made a decision to change his path. During this same time Katrina hit New Orleans. My family is there and I am terrified. The Bartender remains by my side and is with me the moment I discover that, while my mother refused to leave, my baby sister has safely left the Crescent City. The relief was so great I wept bitterly in The Bartender?s arms. I was beyond happy that he was there for me. When he left that day it was the end. H...

Success
2007-09-16 19:45:00
It has been about a year since I started dating and once again I am date free on a Saturday night. It is true that this last year I received my first Valentine ?s present from a man since high school and received jewelry from the same man on my birthday. In spite of the circumstances, I knew that it was a move in the right direction. What I really want is a man to be with me for the New Year. I really want Thanksgiving ? even more than I want Christmas ? but I won?t be greedy. Ringing in the New Year with someone other than myself would be a first.I have survived. A couple of friends from my old life have fallen by the wayside. I still reach out to them. I do not fault them for not calling back. I know how unhappy they are even if they don?t. I know that they may never again be able to bear the sight of me but I will leave my door open should they ever need to come in.When I began my journey I was not sure I could survive. I was working without a net. What is most amazing ...
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Success
2007-09-16 19:45:00
It has been about a year since I started dating and once again I am date free on a Saturday night. It is true that this last year I received my first Valentine’s present from a man since high school and received jewelry from the same man on my birthday. In spite of the circumstances, I knew that it was a move in the right direction. What I really want is a man to be with me for the New Year. I really want Thanksgiving – even more than I want Christmas – but I won’t be greedy. Ringing in the New Year with someone other than myself would be a first.I have survived. A couple of friends from my old life have fallen by the wayside. I still reach out to them. I do not fault them for not calling back. I know how unhappy they are even if they don’t. I know that they may never again be able to bear the sight of me but I will leave my door open should they ever need to come in.When I began my journey I was not sure I could survive. I was working without a net. What is mos...
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Playing Tag
2007-09-08 21:30:00
Well, it finally happened.I have been tagged by a fellow blogger.While this post clearly jumps from away from my story, let me say that I was tagged by a woman on the other side of the pond who writes a blog I hope you all will enjoy from time to time, entitled The View from the Pond.In addition to being pulled back to Puddock's blog this morning, I had the pleasure of seeing who she is reading. So, while some of you may give an 'Oh Jeez' when you see this, know that I truly enjoy the writers I have 'tagged' and hope you will too.Now, the rules of this meme game are:1. Link to dear Puddock's blog because she tagged me;2. List 8 random facts about myself;3. Tag 8 people, listing their names and linking to their blogs; and4. Let them know they've been 'tagged' by commenting on their blogs.First..... It's All About Me.1. I'm from North Dakota.2. I hate green bell peppers.3. I love all other food ;04. I am a news junkie.5. I love a good tear jerker.6. I strive to be kind ever...

Health
2007-08-29 00:43:00
I went for my annual physical 3 months late. My doctor placed regular calls to goad me into coming. Feeling betrayed by The Bartender I decided to be tested for every STD known to mankind by my gynecologist. With the confirmation that I was HIV free, I decided that there was no worse fate my doctor could find. I agreed to see him for a physical.The good doctor began his usual litany of questions with a polite how are you. I immediately burst into tears and told him that had I broken up with my boyfriend. I even confessed that I knew The Bartender was unavailable to begin with. I let the doctor know that I had just passed all of my STD testing with flying colors. As I blew my nose and dabbed away tears, he suggested that my hormone levels be scrutinized. While I could stand to lose another 10 pounds, he finds that I am indeed as healthy as a horse. In spite of that he reminds me that 50 is coming and that I should begin to prepare myself for the benchmark tests that come along with t...
More About: Health , Heal

Mr. Right Name
2007-08-12 17:01:00
I return to the World Wide Web to find the love of my life. I revise my profile and say as much. I wait to see who will respond. It is interesting that with the exception of yet another beautiful too-young man, the men of interest that have been contacting me all have the same name as The Bartender. Two handsome, creative, employed, age-appropriate men have called. They leave messages and each time I shudder as I hear them say their name. The name is right; it is just the wrong voice on the other end.I agree to meet one of them for a drink. I arrive at the bar and Mr. Right Name is actually more attractive than his photo and really rather charming. I couldn’t get past the fact that just two blocks away the other man with the same name was tending another bar. I was distracted. I tried to be charming but know that occasionally I was not there. We had a nice conversation then walked a few blocks together before parting ways. We gave each other a little peck goodbye as he said he’d...

Mr. Right Name
2007-08-12 17:01:00
I return to the World Wide Web to find the love of my life. I revise my profile and say as much. I wait to see who will respond. It is interesting that with the exception of yet another beautiful too-young man, the men of interest that have been contacting me all have the same name as The Bartender. Two handsome, creative, employed, age-appropriate men have called. They leave messages and each time I shudder as I hear them say their name. The name is right; it is just the wrong voice on the other end.I agree to meet one of them for a drink. I arrive at the bar and Mr. Right Name is actually more attractive than his photo and really rather charming. I couldn?t get past the fact that just two blocks away the other man with the same name was tending another bar. I was distracted. I tried to be charming but know that occasionally I was not there. We had a nice conversation then walked a few blocks together before parting ways. We gave each other a little peck goodbye as he said he?d lik...

My Birthday
2007-08-04 05:19:00
It is my birthday and The Bartender has left me high and dry. If I do not hear from him I will be devastated. If I do hear from him I will be devastated. There is just no way around it.The day before my birthday I am on the phone with my best friend making plans for the big day. As we are talking the doorman rings up to say I have a package downstairs. It is unusual that they do not send the delivery person up so I tell my best friend I will call her back once I go down to collect my birthday surprise.The Bartender has hand delivered my present and then run away. I read the card and melt into a pool of tears. He has written beautiful words and signs the card with love. I am inconsolable. I cannot even read the words over the phone to my girlfriend.Later in the day I call The Bartender to thank him for the present. He came all that way to deliver it. Why didn?t he say hello or give it to me in person? He said he didn?t know, that when he arrived he panicked and turned on his heels. M...
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My Birthday
2007-08-04 05:19:00
It is my birthday and The Bartender has left me high and dry. If I do not hear from him I will be devastated. If I do hear from him I will be devastated. There is just no way around it.The day before my birthday I am on the phone with my best friend making plans for the big day. As we are talking the doorman rings up to say I have a package downstairs. It is unusual that they do not send the delivery person up so I tell my best friend I will call her back once I go down to collect my birthday surprise.The Bartender has hand delivered my present and then run away. I read the card and melt into a pool of tears. He has written beautiful words and signs the card with love. I am inconsolable. I cannot even read the words over the phone to my girlfriend.Later in the day I call The Bartender to thank him for the present. He came all that way to deliver it. Why didn’t he say hello or give it to me in person? He said he didn’t know, that when he arrived he panicked and turned on his heel...
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The Real Lesson Learned
2007-07-24 06:53:00
What I have learned so far is that the only person who truly did not see the value in my love was me. Throughout my story I have placed the blame for my display of emotion on my raging hormones. That is only partially true. I still cry every day. In fact, I am crying as I write this, but I don’t think I can blame all of my tears on hormones. Some of my tears are good.No, that is not true. All of my tears are good.Perhaps it is because I am more comfortable in my own skin. This is a function of my weight loss and of my acceptance of myself.I am heartbroken.I have been heartbroken for years for a variety of reasons. Only now is it exposed. Only now do I attempt to share my pain with others.I now realize that none of my friends ever thought I was perfect. It was me that attempted to present that image. They just never told me I was naked. A testament to their love really. Now that I am sharing my vulnerability with them they are standing there with me.I have come to realize that the ...
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