Brain Clouds Brain Clouds Hi, I’m Kelly. I’m an almost thirty something single lesbian living back home with my parents in Michigan. I smoke, I’m overweight, and I hate vegetables. I never finished college, don’t own much of anything, and can’t save money for shit. Articles
Heard at work
2007-03-14 16:09:00 Guy who cleans stuff up at my office building knocks on the women’s bathroom door. Guy: “Anyone in there?” Female voice: “Yes” Guy: “Take your time.” Yeah….no More About: Work , Hear
My Visual DNA
2007-03-13 15:56:00 Got this thanks to OCB. Read my Visual DNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™
TA? Do they have a 12 step program?
2007-03-12 16:33:00 I love my mom. I really do. But if she buys one more item of Tupperware I may have to physically harm her. We cleaned out the cupboards yesterday. The goal, for me, was to make things look nice and neat. She says that was her intention too, but I know she just wants to ... More About: They , Prog , Have , Program , Step
Cock-Ca-Doodle-Do
2007-03-12 00:24:00 I’m not sure how it happened, but somehow I was in a room with family and friends and the topic of Beluga Whale Dick came up. I use caps on the words because they deserve them. Next thing I know there is talk of elephant dick and “red rockets.” This is just a peek my ... More About: Cock , Doodle
American Science
2007-03-09 22:29:01 If everyone who has ever worked a McDonald’s restaurant screamed for four and a half seconds, they would produce enough energy to cook a Big Mac. More About: Science , America , American
Do we deserve to suffer?
2007-03-06 10:26:01 SALISBURY, N.C.? Vicki H. Readling vividly remembers the start of 2006. ?Everybody was saying, ?Happy new year,? ? Ms. Readling recalled. ?But I remember going straight to bed and lying down scared to death because I knew that at that very minute, after midnight, I was without insurance. I was kissing away a bad year of cancer. But I was getting ready to open up to a door of hell.? Read More As American’s do we deserve to suffer? Has our greed and selfishness doomed us to a future of regret and dismay? Like in so many races to the top, have simply too many lives fallen to the wayside? I’m not smart enough to debate. I’m not educated enough on the topic of national disparity to go any further with my rant. What I will say is health insurance isn’t the only thing hanging over our heads. Church has never been a home to me, but I can’t help but feel like it’s the beginning of The End of Days. More About: Serve
This is Just the Begining
2007-03-01 04:20:03 “You know this is just the beginning. I’m going to break down. I don’t know when, but I am.” Those were the words my mother spoke last night when I took her out for dinner. She said all of this when the waitress brought her the cup of chili she ordered. It was a new restaurant, not one she and my dad had ever been to together, but I think it was the chili. How many times had she ordered chili with him sitting across from her? How many times had she opened a package of oyster crackers and poured them into the cup as he looked on? I can never know for sure. Today is one month without my dad. That’s 20 Wheel of Fortunes, 15 times he would yell at the dogs, and countless episodes of Seinfeld. I’m still attempting to adjust to the way it all just feels different. I’m trying to make decisions for my mother that are smart and not emotional. We have time, but then I wonder, do we? It’s become almost impossible for me to focus at work. There is... More About: Just , This
19 Days
2007-02-18 16:14:01 It’s been 19 days since my father’s death. It seems like a blink. It seems like a bad dream, a mistake, a bad trip on some even worse drugs. I keep on expecting to see him walk through the door. I keep on waiting for him to call me. I smile to myself with I think of the word “Dad” showing up on my cell phone’s screen. I got a new one. A cell phone that is. The red Razr. He would have liked it. He would have gone out and bought one as soon as he saw mine. He and I had that in common. We could never have enough watches and always wanted to have the newest cell phones. I’ve learned a lot in the past two and a half weeks. Things about myself, my family, and other people. I’ve learned that I will ALWAYS attend a funeral even if I’m not that close to the person. It’s an issue of respect. It meant a lot to me to see the waitress at my Dad’s favorite resturant at his viewing. People that I work with that never even met him showed u... More About: Days
My Dad
2007-02-08 16:11:01 He passed away early Sunday morning, January 28th. We had taken him to Emergency the Thursday before. His headaches weren’t getting any better and he couldn’t keep anything down. He had developed Thrush in his throat due to the steroids he was on and choked on everything he tried to swallow. That night, before I left the hospital with my brother I leaned in to give him a kiss. My Mom said something right as I kissed him. She was warning me of the Thrush and told me I should have kissed him on the cheek. I am a freak when it comes to germs and whiped my lips with the sleeve of my coat. I didn’t know then that that would be the last time I would ever speak to my Dad. (more…)
Tearlessly Shaving My Father?s Head
2007-01-22 16:00:03 In the past week I have called 911 for my father, we found out the cancer is in his spinal fluid (brain), and just yesterday I shaved his head because he’s going to loose his hair from radiation anyway. I’ve come a long way from worrying about what I was going to do on the weekends and wishing for things that don’t really mean so much anymore. I’ve been in a bad frame of mind as of late. My thought pattern has been something like, “We’re all just going to get sick and die anyway, so why even try.” Not the most positive thinking I’ve ever done. I still haven’t cried. I choked up a bit. I was on the phone with someone that I should have let go of a long time ago when it happened. The actual tears still seem to allude me. Perhaps it’s that extra does of testosterone that was dulled out to me when it was determined I would be a lesbian. Or maybe it’s some sort of avoidance mechanism. I feel more than I did a few weeks ... More About: Tear , Shaving , Father , Head , Less
Faking an Orgasm
2007-01-05 09:46:04 Ok, so I’m no Meg Ryan. Hell, I’m not even Rosie O’Donnell’s “disgusting” ass. I do, however, have something in common with them both. I’ve mastered the art of faking it. I wish I could say I was talking about orgasms here. It’s just that it’s been so long since I’ve had a non self induced orgasm that I am sans the need to fake one. What I do fake is being happy. I suppose we all do this to some extent throughout the day. When someone asks you the arbitrary, “How are you?” And you reply with “Fine.” we both know you aren’t always fine. I’ve just sort of taken it a step further. I lie all the fucking time. Since my Dad got sick I have noticed more and more the healthy world’s intolerance for the ill. Physically or mentally, the result is similar. We put our elderly in homes, we send our mentally ill to facilities, and there are hospices for those who have nothing left to do but wait.... More About: King
The Back to Fucking Work Post
2007-01-04 09:46:01 I want to shoot myself in the face. It’s 2007 which means: #1: It’s no longer 2006 and #2: I now have to work mainly from the office. “If you can work from home your job can be done from India.” That is what they tell us. I have gotten to the point where I don’t give a shit. The entire country is going to Hell, Oprah says that Detroit is the poorest city in America, and there are honestly people who feel that George W. is a good president. So here’s my take on it. Please take note that I am writing this at work while on the clock. America got fat and lazy. The entire country is one fat lazy couch potato. I’m not sure how much is our fault and I’m not sure who to blame the other portion on, but I can’t help but feel like it’s the truth. We are pros at expecting. We expect to have jobs, we expect to be the greatest, we expect our porn to be quality if we paid $50.00 for the DVD! It just isn’t about us anymore. It’... More About: Post , Work , Back , Fucking , King
Art?
2006-12-31 03:42:02 I have been meaning to post this for a while now. This wonderfully disturbing portrait was perched in the window of one of the dollar stores near my home. It frightened the Hell out of me and entraced me at the same time. I need to know who would buy this. I need to know where they would hang it within their home. The chair, the hair on the woman, the stain glass window, all of it is so contradicting to me. That is all.
Kelly?s Web
2006-12-28 21:38:02 I shared my office with this little guy crawling around my ceiling all night. Normally I would kill such a thing, but today I couldn’t bare to. No matter how creepy it looks. No matter how many times I thought it would fall from the ceiling and into my hair. No matter how many times I falsely thought it was crawling on me somewhere. The world is immersed in too much death at the moment. This little guy needed a break. I still keep waiting for him to jump on me, but I hope he’s down with my anti violent vibes. James Brown and Gerald Ford may be gone, but a spider in Michigan will live to see another morning. More About: Kelly , Kell
The Buck Stops Here
2006-12-27 09:36:02 “The buck stops here!” I said, sitting at the kitchen table with my parents. My Dad has been very dizzy and is getting headaches. He’s convinced himself that his cancer has moved to his brain. I tried to tell him it is just a manifestation of his mind. I reminded him that our “illness” is what’s making him think that, and that he’s fine. He looked at me and smiled. “I refuse to have kids.” I said. “I could never let another soul go through this. My eggs will never be fertile!” We all laughed. It’s the truth though. I would never want another soul, especially one I cared for so dearly, to go through this fucked up shit that occurs in my mind. The strain is from my father’s side of the family. His brother has it, we assume that his mother had it too. There really isn’t a need to go back any farther. A plague is a plague. “Brain Clouds” should be proudly displayed on my families crest. I l... More About: Tops , Stop , Stops , Here , Buck
Twas the Night Before Christmas
2006-12-25 21:34:03 Life is full of intricate events that are constantly changing our lives. Moments that define who we are. Words spoken that give you a peek into someones soul. Stories told that remind you of what used to be that will never be again. I’ve never been a fan of the holidays. My memories of them aren’t horrible, but they aren’t a vision straight out of a Hallmark card either. When I was a kid I remember being terrified of Santa Claus. I would wake up at four in the morning so excited to open gifts and absolutely horrified that Santa could still be in my house. It would take me a few minutes to get out of bed, 30 minutes standing by my closed door, and 2 seconds to bolt across the hall to my parents room to wake them up. As I got older it was about cleaning the house for relatives. Then it turned into not having enough money to buy gifts for my family. Now it’s different. This is the first Chris t mas for my little niece. This is also the first Christmas since my Da... More About: The N , Night
Hope
2006-11-28 09:12:02 Hibernation comes with the cold weather. For me it just comes. I lose months of time to worry and regret. Held up in my bedroom, not answering the phone for anyone. I stare at it while it rings. Hoping the person on the other end will know that I just can’t talk. Then I feel guilty for not answering and the wheels of the fucked up processes of this life start turning. I have single handily created a very frightful place in my mind. The only pride I dare take in it is that it’s mine and mine alone. I fear I’ve never been good at sharing. Not much has changed for the better or worse since my last post. Life has carried on despite my father’s illness. He and I still have interesting conversations now and again, but mostly I stay away. I am going to be 29 years old this January after all! Living like a teenager who hates the worlds and wishes that the only color clothes came in were black. It’s selfish really, this place I am in. It’s filled with voi... More About: Hope
While I?m posting again!
2006-11-28 09:12:02 There is nothing worse than having heartburn and finding that all you have left is the purple colored wild berry extra strength Tums that you hate the taste of. Amen More About: Post , Again , Sting , While , Posti
Everyone Loves the Underdog
2006-10-08 09:03:01 God Bless You Boys! I’m not a sports fan. I dabbled in basketball and softball (fucking dyke!) in my preteen years. Then I threw out my knee at the age of 12 and apparently stopping moving faster than a quick-walk from then on. What I do enjoy is the Romanticism of “The Under dog .” Putting the unreal salaries and ridiculous strikes aside, most of these guys were all once little boys playing catch with their friends in the back yard. Dreaming of stadiums, bright lights, and popping open that bottle of congratulatory champagne. Ever y time I catch a championship game I get that fuzzy feeling. The goose bumps and the tears remind me I’m still alive. Living in a state where jobs are being off shored to India quicker than the cars can be built, it was about time something good happened. Watching those guys play today made me believe in dreams again. I may even go out and buy a hat even though I look like a tool in them. I smiled today. Though I am getting a cold, ... More About: Love , Everyone
3 Large Shakes Please
2006-10-03 08:54:02 “Have you got the urge to go yet?” He may as well been telling me to get up and go. My Dad wanted a chocolate shake from McDonalds. He has sounded like he has laryngitis for over a month now. The shakes help his throat feel better. They think it’s from the chemo. “It’s for medicinal purposes only.” He snuck that in as he sat down. I pulled up to the drive through and ordered 3 large shakes. I find it utterly embarrassing at times. So much so that when I pull up to the window to pay I sit up straight so I don’t have to make eye contact with the teenager taking my money. Do they think I drink them all? Just one of those fat girl worries I suppose. I got home and passed out the shakes. The spot that I had left on the couch was still warm. I snuggled in for the second installment of Heros. Then the dogs started to bark. Nature was calling. As it does for them twenty damn times a night. I looked over at my mom who was in the reclining position i... More About: Please , Lease , Ease , Large
Oh and while I?m on the entertainment tip
2006-10-03 08:54:02 I got my hands on the new Evanesence CD. It drops on 10/3/06. I am here to tell you that every single last song on this album is utterly breath taking. I have not been able to stop listening to it. I write to it, fall asleep to it, and day dream about being Amy Lee’s personal assistant to it. My favorite song so far is Lacrymosa, but Lose Control is pulling up as a close second. Her voice gives me the chills. It gives me inspiration to write and to feel. I expected nothing less from this amazing band. It feels good to not be disappointed. More About: Entertainment , Men , Enter , While , Entertain
I Heart Ugly Betty!!!!
2006-10-03 08:54:02 So Nip/Tuck has a woman putting peanut butter on her tits so that her dog will lick it off to sexually stimulate her. Then in the height of excitement, not sure if it’s the dogs or the woman’s, the dog bites her nipple off. Desperate Housewives has gone the way of shaving the face of a man in a coma. Not to mention another murderer for the ignorant, although HOT, anal republican to get married to. True, my beloved LOST has not yet premiered, but I have seriously almost given up on my mind numbing TV. How many times can LOST recap any way! Then I saw it. Ugly Betty . And honest to God I fell in love. I had heard all the hype. But they hype all the new shows so I didn’t pay too much attention. I missed the first show, but found it by accident while perusing my recorded shows on the DVR. This show had me at “Nice poncho.” Maybe it’s because I adore the sweetness in people. Maybe I adore it because it seems so rare. Maybe this lesbian is tire... More About: Hear , I heart , Heart
My Quest
2006-09-28 08:45:03 My father’s diagnosis with cancer has lead he and I to several conversations surrounding religion. I have begun to research and study Buddhism. I have found that I truly enjoy what I have learned and continue to research. I have bought two books on the subject. I mentioned my interest to my parents and they asked me if I was going to shave my head. I told them that was bad humor in a room with someone on chemo. We laughed and I decided not to attempt to understand their distaste in the topic. The few whom I have told have all come up with the same response. “As long as you don’t preach about it.” That statement alone shows how little they know about Buddhists and how much I have already learned. Never in my life have I ever felt so alone. Admittedly I have done this to myself. I don’t call anyone, I don’t make the effort needed to sustain most friendships. I am left alone with my thoughts and the fears they bring. I feel it has to be this way. I n... More About: Quest
End of Summer Suicide Attempt
2006-09-25 08:39:01 So that’s it, it’s over. That thing that lasts about 3 months in Michigan. Summer has said it’s goodbye and all I can think about is snow, leafless trees, and filthy salt covered roads. Seasonal depression is a bitch. We kicked off the end of summer with one final hurrah at the parent’s house. About 20 of our friends stopped by, all with some food, and good times were had. I could have sat back and simply watched it all happen. My lack there of for conversation with anyone has been rather serious. People talk and I try my hardest to listen. In the past month I have only been giving about 10% of myself. The rest is just for me. Well, me, my bed, and my TV. I managed to play with a wine bottle opener for about 30 minutes. It amused me the way it looked like a little man with hands. Amused me even more the way it looked like an “excited” little man with hands when the cork screw was coming out the bottom of it. It’s the little things as of lat... More About: Suicide , Cide , Temp
Review
2006-09-18 08:27:02 How was your weekend? Mine was full of thought and mindless worry. I’m still smoking even though I promised myself I would quit. If you can’t keep a promise to yourself how can you keep one for someone else? Friday was the usual, Saturday I hibernated the entire day. Pondering my death and giving myself new symptoms. I finally feel asleep after I had a really bad panic attack. I don’t tell anyone about them anymore. I take some sort of sick pleasure in riding them out alone. I have made my peace with death through fear. It has been an up hill battle, but one that I have apparently been destined to take on. I wonder what would happen if I were left to my own devices. I wonder how people, friends, family, stand being around me when I am in this frame of mind. These moments make me feel selfish, isolated, and the fear only makes it worse. It’s dark now and it’s Sunday. For most, including yours truly, that means back to work tomorrow. Yes, I work from home... More About: Review , View
I SUX @ LIFE
2006-09-15 08:21:01 Why must it take a tragedy to bring people together? What does it say about someone, when during that tragedy, all they want to do is run? I’m tired of looking for the key. I need to find peace and not sure how one goes about such a thing. There are a vast amount of outlets to chose from. Religion, meditation, yoga, hell some circles even consider laughing to be a form of peaceful therapy. For now I suppose I will fall back on the ole pros and cons list. Which for this exercise will be more of a Happy with and not happy with list of my life. HAPPY WITH: My family Friends The fact that I have been able to raise my credit score Naps during the week My car NOT HAPPY WITH: My mental state of mind My lack of motivation Still smoking Remaining unhealthy My love life My lack of belief in something other than death My lack of education The way I distance myself more and more with age How I could go on and on on this list and it took me all I had to get 5 for the one above it! So ... More About: Life
Overcast
2006-09-12 08:15:03 The clouds are back. Acutually I haven’t been feeling well for almost two weeks now. The symptoms include: Hot flashes Feverish feeling sans real fever Still have the burning feeling in my thighs Funny feeling in my mouth like just before your about to puke your guts out I know I need to find a new doctor. I need to get a full physical and get to the bottom of things. Someone found this blog via the following search: Lung Cancer Burning Thighs. So now I think I have some form of cancer. It all could be leading up to the fact that since I can remember I never thought I would live past the age of 30. I’m scared, worried, and going out of my mind. The depression is setting in, and once again hiding from the world. I’m so tired of this, tired of me, tired of consious thought. Sleeping, at this point, is my only remedy. More About: Cast , Over
My Attempt
More articles from this author:2006-09-09 08:09:02 I could hear his cough travel up the stairs to my room. He’s always coughed, but now it’s different. I lit up a cigarette because that’s what I do. I went to his carepage, it’s like a Myspace for people with cancer. I tried to write, I tried to articulate something sans sarcasm or blatant avoidance. I wrote two paragraphs and closed out the window. Why cannot not speak to my father? Why does it feel awkward to tell him I love him? I do tell him, and I do love him, but why do the words seem so forgien when leaving my lips? I’m a writer for Christ sake. Even more than that I am someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. I try to make it not about me, but then I worry about having regrets. My father is a good man. He loves my mother dearly, he has never been distant, nor has he ever done anything to hurt me. So why the detachment? It’s not just because of this, the cancer. It’s always been that way. Maybe it’s because we are so alike. May... More About: Temp 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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