Brain Clouds Brain Clouds Hi, I’m Kelly. I’m an almost thirty something single lesbian living back home with my parents in Michigan. I smoke, I’m overweight, and I hate vegetables. I never finished college, don’t own much of anything, and can’t save money for shit. Articles
3 Large Shakes Please
2006-10-03 08:54:02 “Have you got the urge to go yet?” He may as well been telling me to get up and go. My Dad wanted a chocolate shake from McDonalds. He has sounded like he has laryngitis for over a month now. The shakes help his throat feel better. They think it’s from the chemo. “It’s for medicinal purposes only.” He snuck that in as he sat down. I pulled up to the drive through and ordered 3 large shakes. I find it utterly embarrassing at times. So much so that when I pull up to the window to pay I sit up straight so I don’t have to make eye contact with the teenager taking my money. Do they think I drink them all? Just one of those fat girl worries I suppose. I got home and passed out the shakes. The spot that I had left on the couch was still warm. I snuggled in for the second installment of Heros. Then the dogs started to bark. Nature was calling. As it does for them twenty damn times a night. I looked over at my mom who was in the reclining position i... More About: Please , Lease , Ease , Large
I Heart Ugly Betty!!!!
2006-10-03 08:54:02 So Nip/Tuck has a woman putting peanut butter on her tits so that her dog will lick it off to sexually stimulate her. Then in the height of excitement, not sure if it’s the dogs or the woman’s, the dog bites her nipple off. Desperate Housewives has gone the way of shaving the face of a man in a coma. Not to mention another murderer for the ignorant, although HOT, anal republican to get married to. True, my beloved LOST has not yet premiered, but I have seriously almost given up on my mind numbing TV. How many times can LOST recap any way! Then I saw it. Ugly Betty . And honest to God I fell in love. I had heard all the hype. But they hype all the new shows so I didn’t pay too much attention. I missed the first show, but found it by accident while perusing my recorded shows on the DVR. This show had me at “Nice poncho.” Maybe it’s because I adore the sweetness in people. Maybe I adore it because it seems so rare. Maybe this lesbian is tire... More About: Hear , I heart , Heart
My Quest
2006-09-28 08:45:03 My father’s diagnosis with cancer has lead he and I to several conversations surrounding religion. I have begun to research and study Buddhism. I have found that I truly enjoy what I have learned and continue to research. I have bought two books on the subject. I mentioned my interest to my parents and they asked me if I was going to shave my head. I told them that was bad humor in a room with someone on chemo. We laughed and I decided not to attempt to understand their distaste in the topic. The few whom I have told have all come up with the same response. “As long as you don’t preach about it.” That statement alone shows how little they know about Buddhists and how much I have already learned. Never in my life have I ever felt so alone. Admittedly I have done this to myself. I don’t call anyone, I don’t make the effort needed to sustain most friendships. I am left alone with my thoughts and the fears they bring. I feel it has to be this way. I n... More About: Quest
End of Summer Suicide Attempt
2006-09-25 08:39:01 So that’s it, it’s over. That thing that lasts about 3 months in Michigan. Summer has said it’s goodbye and all I can think about is snow, leafless trees, and filthy salt covered roads. Seasonal depression is a bitch. We kicked off the end of summer with one final hurrah at the parent’s house. About 20 of our friends stopped by, all with some food, and good times were had. I could have sat back and simply watched it all happen. My lack there of for conversation with anyone has been rather serious. People talk and I try my hardest to listen. In the past month I have only been giving about 10% of myself. The rest is just for me. Well, me, my bed, and my TV. I managed to play with a wine bottle opener for about 30 minutes. It amused me the way it looked like a little man with hands. Amused me even more the way it looked like an “excited” little man with hands when the cork screw was coming out the bottom of it. It’s the little things as of lat... More About: Suicide , Cide , Temp
Review
2006-09-18 08:27:02 How was your weekend? Mine was full of thought and mindless worry. I’m still smoking even though I promised myself I would quit. If you can’t keep a promise to yourself how can you keep one for someone else? Friday was the usual, Saturday I hibernated the entire day. Pondering my death and giving myself new symptoms. I finally feel asleep after I had a really bad panic attack. I don’t tell anyone about them anymore. I take some sort of sick pleasure in riding them out alone. I have made my peace with death through fear. It has been an up hill battle, but one that I have apparently been destined to take on. I wonder what would happen if I were left to my own devices. I wonder how people, friends, family, stand being around me when I am in this frame of mind. These moments make me feel selfish, isolated, and the fear only makes it worse. It’s dark now and it’s Sunday. For most, including yours truly, that means back to work tomorrow. Yes, I work from home... More About: Review , View
I SUX @ LIFE
2006-09-15 08:21:01 Why must it take a tragedy to bring people together? What does it say about someone, when during that tragedy, all they want to do is run? I’m tired of looking for the key. I need to find peace and not sure how one goes about such a thing. There are a vast amount of outlets to chose from. Religion, meditation, yoga, hell some circles even consider laughing to be a form of peaceful therapy. For now I suppose I will fall back on the ole pros and cons list. Which for this exercise will be more of a Happy with and not happy with list of my life. HAPPY WITH: My family Friends The fact that I have been able to raise my credit score Naps during the week My car NOT HAPPY WITH: My mental state of mind My lack of motivation Still smoking Remaining unhealthy My love life My lack of belief in something other than death My lack of education The way I distance myself more and more with age How I could go on and on on this list and it took me all I had to get 5 for the one above it! So ... More About: Life
Overcast
2006-09-12 08:15:03 The clouds are back. Acutually I haven’t been feeling well for almost two weeks now. The symptoms include: Hot flashes Feverish feeling sans real fever Still have the burning feeling in my thighs Funny feeling in my mouth like just before your about to puke your guts out I know I need to find a new doctor. I need to get a full physical and get to the bottom of things. Someone found this blog via the following search: Lung Cancer Burning Thighs. So now I think I have some form of cancer. It all could be leading up to the fact that since I can remember I never thought I would live past the age of 30. I’m scared, worried, and going out of my mind. The depression is setting in, and once again hiding from the world. I’m so tired of this, tired of me, tired of consious thought. Sleeping, at this point, is my only remedy. More About: Cast , Over
My Attempt
2006-09-09 08:09:02 I could hear his cough travel up the stairs to my room. He’s always coughed, but now it’s different. I lit up a cigarette because that’s what I do. I went to his carepage, it’s like a Myspace for people with cancer. I tried to write, I tried to articulate something sans sarcasm or blatant avoidance. I wrote two paragraphs and closed out the window. Why cannot not speak to my father? Why does it feel awkward to tell him I love him? I do tell him, and I do love him, but why do the words seem so forgien when leaving my lips? I’m a writer for Christ sake. Even more than that I am someone who wears her heart on her sleeve. I try to make it not about me, but then I worry about having regrets. My father is a good man. He loves my mother dearly, he has never been distant, nor has he ever done anything to hurt me. So why the detachment? It’s not just because of this, the cancer. It’s always been that way. Maybe it’s because we are so alike. May... More About: Temp
The Vision
2006-09-04 08:03:07 I’ve been meaning to tell you a million lies, but you keep on asking me how I’m doing as if you really mean it. I’ve meant to point out to you that this was your chance and that I’m sorry you didn’t take it. Too bad I’ve bestowed upon you thousands. Thousands of those chances. Chances for you to see what could be. The truth would reserve itself, but neither of us are good at seeing it anyway. I would mistake it for sarcasm and you would find it too good to be true. The brilliance in it all is stunning. It’s kind of like that first time you’re introduced to gem stones. How you wonder for days how something so beautiful could come from something so horrible on the eyes. Funny how life repeats that same sentiment over and over again. Caterpillar to butterfly, fire to new growth, Volcano to island. I’m not sure yet what it is that makes you not see. I can’t tell if what I see is an illusion. Were the question answered, I fear i... More About: Sion , Visi , Vision , Visio , The V
Sit
2006-08-31 13:54:14 Allow me to sit Sit alone in the dark of every last feeling that pulls on my heart I can no longer run from them Nor can I hold up the steel that has been my barrier Let me sit with the sand at my feet looking out over an ocean of tears that I refuse to allow myself to cry into Sipping on the wine of truth I want to feel how small I am I want to witness the inconspicuous place I take up on this unperfect planet Cloud my vision with misfortune Mask my taste with a thousand kisses upon my lips But let me sit Let me fall into the masses Let me tell you I love you a thousand times for a million days and feel the ache of knowing it will never be enough Because when I stand I will have to face this When I finally walk on my own two feet I will have to choke down the thought of what it means to let you go Walking alone is a far worse a fate than remaining still And fate to me is as hopeless as the toss of a coin Have I failed you love Have I given too much of all that I could ever be What ...
Detroit teachers on strike
2006-08-30 19:48:22 DETROIT - Teacher s frustrated by failed efforts to reach a contract agreement with the city’s public school district went on strike Monday and said they were prepared to stand their ground for as long as it takes. More About: Cher , Hers , Strike , Detroit
Were I a Man I would so have a pocket full of these
2006-08-30 19:48:22 More About: Have , Full , Pocket , Would , These
My Take on Religion
2006-08-30 19:48:22 “I should have raised you kids in the church.” As these words left my father’s mouth I couldn’t help but smile. “No you shouldn’t have.” I said, always respecting that I was allowed to make my own decision when it came to religion. Especially since I a HUGE lesbian. To which my father replied, “There is a higher power. You will be thankful that there is one when you need it, even if just to keep you sane.” This, coming from the same man who always told me he felt that the Bible was just a series of made up stories because humans are too afraid to die. I still baulk at the stories of why people find religion. I know people that go to church every Sunday, those that are proud Atheists, Wiccans, and the like. I have never judged, but I have yet to find my own version of belief. Since I always think I’m dying you would think I would have a serious need for a higher power. You would think that I would pray to every known deity t... More About: Religion , Take , Ligi , Gion
Lesson # 238
2006-08-27 19:45:04 While making a turn while driving use signal, get over, THEN brake. This lesson has been brought to you by the the left handed monks of Belize More About: Less , Lesson , Esso
Traffic on the Ride Home
2006-08-25 19:42:01 Coming home today from day one of a 2 day in-depth ITIL certification training class I killed a white butterfly with my windshield. I almost started to cry, and then I reminded myself to swallow it down hard. Then I explored the idea that the rule to get into heaven was based on how many times in life you’ve smiled. Then I thought about the sicko who smiles when he looks at child porn, and the wife who hasn’t smiled in years because she has been taking care of her ill husband for so long now. I reminded myself in that moment that there are no rules. We can only to the best we can. Since I work from home 90% of the time I am rarely stuck in traffic. I learned today that I LOVE working from home for that reason. I thought about moving again. Picking up and starting over with a new scenery and new outlook on life. It’s even less of an option than it was a month ago, but I still think about it. I suppose it’s in my nature to fantasize about things that I know I&#... More About: Traffic , Home , Ride
Back to Normal?
2006-08-24 19:39:08 It’s weird how life goes on. One day we find out my dad has cancer, the next day the entire family is in a silent panic, and then it all just starts to feel like a bad dream. Somewhere at the end of all that the newness faded, the fear changed faces, and life seems to go on per usual. Everyone’s back to work, the wedding is over, chemo is not just something my dad does. I realize that as humans it has to be unhealthy to stay in the heightened state of mind that bad news, accidents, and trauma puts you in. We would go insane. My Dad’s brother has been in town from Florida. He moved there when I was 8. He was in Hawaii about a month ago with his g/f who is from Guam. He and I spoke about family and how seeing her family made him have a revelation of sorts. “It was three in the morning and I was on the beach with a bottle of wine listening to the waves. It just hit me” he said, “How many years I lost with all of you guys, and how important family rea... More About: Back , Normal
Life Continues
2006-08-21 19:33:10 So the wedding is over and it went well. Wearing the dress wasn’t so bad. I didn’t melt, nor did a puddle of sweat emerge beneath me while I stood up at the alter. There was less drama then I had assumed there would be. The food was far better than I had anticipated and the chocolate fountain was oh so fun. My brother is now a husband, I officially have a sister-in-law, and that cute little niece of mine is officially legit! On a darker note, the DJ had no idea what he was doing. For the first part of the reception I thought we were at a county western bar. The rum at the open bar was a tad nasty, and my feet still hurt from the shoes I wore. So here’s physical evidence of me in a dress. It will be the last time it EVER happens. I have total respect for you ladies that do it all the time. This dyke has made a pack with the almighty to never do it again. More About: Life , Conti
Dear Lord
2006-08-18 19:30:39 My brother’s wedding is tomorrow. Amazing how fast time flies. Before I know it my 5 month old niece will be 25 and I will be receiving AARP literature in the mail. Sometimes I feel like a rock in the middle of the ocean. The world and all of it’s vibrant colors swimming by. Moving along with the current, I on the other hand am much to heavy to be swayed. My weight is both literal and based on fear. After I tried on my dress I new that there could be no more living “large and in charge.” It’s time for me to stop hiding behind all of this flesh and fat. I will be changing, because I’m finally starting to love myself enough to want to. I will be doing so many girly things in the next day and a half that I may as well turn straight for a day. Hair, nails, purse buying, and make up just to name a few. My anxiety level is at a freakish all time high. My stomach is doing flip flops simply because my mind insists that it should. God help me I need to buy... More About: Lord
Straight for a Day
2006-08-15 19:24:05 This past Saturday was the bachelorette party for my soon to be sister-in-law. I attended the swarey with two of my very close and very lesbian friends. When we arrived at our take off point we were greeted with pictures of naked men, a penis shaped cake, and the bachelorette herself sporting a veil with homemade clay cocks of every shape and size tied to it. It was about 8:00 and the drinks had been flowing. The made of honor handed me a sheet with penis stickers on it. “They’re name tags, pick one.” She said. Let me state for the record that penises don’t bother me in the least. I’m not afraid, disgusted, or freaked out by them. However having a cock and balls sticker applied to my breast was not something I was at all ready for. Here is a pick of the sticker that I ended up putting on my cell phone. Take note that I so did not write my real name on that thing. And I picked the cute little one as opposed to something long or chode like. Around 9:30 w... More About: Stra , Straight , TRAI
Down with Smoking leads to Cheese Addiction
2006-08-12 19:21:01 Considering all my family has been through in the past few weeks it is reasonable to understand why I would take on the art of quiting smoking. The interesting thing is that instead of smoking I have been working on eating an entire bowl of Feta cheese all damn day! I’m not sure what the side effect are going to be from this odd nicotine fall out. I keep on telling myself Feta is better than smoking, but something just doesn’t seem right. Perhaps I need to book a trip to Greece. I bet I could fucking swim in a vat of Feta there. Now that’s an interesting thought. Smoke free, but Feta stuck in all of my orifices. I’m off my meds….bet you couldn’t tell!!!! TUSK!!!!! More About: Addiction , Leads , With , Cheese , Smoking
Screw You World
2006-08-12 19:21:01 I feel like I have been non stop for the past month. “Sometimes it’s good to keep busy.” She said “Sometimes, but not when you know it’s to avoid falling apart.” I replied. I felt alone before all of this with my Dad. I feel even more alone now. The worst part is the guilt I feel when I make it about me. I honestly woke up today sick and fucking tired of being me. I wanted a break, an intermission, a breath from all that involves being Kelly. What would such a break mean you ask. Well let me be the one to tell you… A break would mean I wouldn’t have to constantly think I am dying. No back pain, now swimmy head, no fear of going to the dentist. A break would mean I wouldn’t have to dwell on all the things I want, but can’t seem to accomplish. Things like losing weight, falling in love, and not being so selfish. Not being me would allow me to relax, if only for a moment in a world not corrupted by worry and anxiety. This cou... More About: World , Screw , Crew
Smile
2006-08-12 19:21:01 Through all of this she is the one thing that makes me smile. More About: Smile , Mile
Enough
2006-08-09 19:18:18 My chest is heavy with emotions Emotions that my mind doesn’t seem to know how to absorb I am puzzled at the way life goes on Terrified at my lack of tears And constantly trying to wake up from what seems so far from reality For ten seconds in the morning I breathe without fear There are moments throughout the day that I manage a smile It sounds like it’s about me but it is far from it When I do cry it won’t be for me at all It will be for all the tears I cannot stop for others The summation of a person is known through both loss and fear Who you are during those times cannot be forged or written I wish I could show you all how much I’m learning I wish I could understand and apply it to my current state of mind Accepting that sometimes there are no words may be the hardest thing I ever learn to do More About: Enough
Anger
2006-08-09 19:18:18 Is it wrong that I don’t get angry? Is a part of me not living because I refuse to scream, throw shit, and damn the world on occasion? I want to be pissed. I want to hit something or yell, but mostly I want to run. I think dealing with the anger would make me stronger. I think I would be better at life if I allowed myself to be angry. Perhaps avoiding anger has been my problem this whole time. More About: Anger
Don?t Show Love Before It?s Too Late
2006-08-09 19:18:18 Funny thing about Brain Clouds, you don’t have time for your own when someone else has theirs. “I wish I could strap you to my back and take you every where with me.” My father spoke those words to my mom the other day. Earlier in the week he had a panic attack in a restaurant we were at. He had to get up and leave and my mom told me to go with him. After she paid and got into the car, she asked my dad how he was doing. “Better now that you’re here,” he said, “I’m always better when you’re around.” My dad is a bit drugged up. He’s on Vicodin and Xanax. He was always afraid to take pills like that, as am I. Neither of us like pills that make us feel “unnormal.” His biopsy is this Monday. We will have to wait a few more days after that to get the results and find out where we will need to go from there. I’m scared and I’m numb, mostly I worry about the repercussions of avoiding my feelings in re... More About: Love , Show , Late , Fore
Loss 16:12
2006-08-09 19:18:18 There are segments in our lives when it feels like all the world and it’s people want to do is beat the shit out of us. One blow after another we get punched with bad news that will alter our lives. I have only cried once, and it was brief. I like to think I’m strong, but I can’t help but blame my lack of emotion on numbness. What will I learn from all of this? Where will the pain take me? Soar and bruised I lift my head in attempt to see a light that I’ve never really believed in. I’m not looking for God so much as I’m looking for reason. That journey is one that I know may never have an end. It’s filled with a million doors that have a hundred locks upon each one of them. The keys of which are granted by lessons learned. My personal problem is that I seem to have OCD for pain. Constantly putting myself in situations that will continually lead to the same dreaded conclusion. We live in habit, and these segments wake us up from the norm. My ... More About: Loss
Learning
2006-08-07 19:15:02 You learn a lot about the people in your life when your family goes through a traumatic event. You learn who you can really go to, who is prone to distance, and who you are most comfortable turning to. Your world changes. All the little things seem to become all the more smaller. You find yourself not being able to listen to the conversations you once threw yourself into. Some things just become far more unimportant. There are events in life that change you. Events that make you reevaluate everything you ever knew to be true. Worries that you once had become minuscule. Things and people that you once pursued tend to be erased from your memory. The truth in people comes out. I am learning about people. I am finding out things about me that I have been afraid to discover. This is where I will come to talk. Through my words is the only way I have ever been able to cry or truly feel. There will be no more reaching for the impossible. I have vowed that I will commit myself only to the re... More About: Earn , Learning , Learn , Earning
Protected: Assumptions
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Protected: 4 Days
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