R*Y A N: blogging with a queer bent...

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under the spotlight
2008-12-22 05:34:00
remember that little dance performance i found myself involved in a few weeks ago? well, they actually recorded it for the dvd - and the clip can now be viewed on youtube.feel free to snigger.
More About: Spotlight

alicia and kylie in three days
2008-12-21 04:20:00
with endless parties and get-togethers, not to mention that all-important festive season gift-shopping, the days leading up to christmas is certainly hectic and frenzied enough. you most certainly needn't add anything further to that busy social calendar. right?wrong.every year, big name music artists make their way downunder in december for stellar end-of-year sold-out performances - and this one is no different.with two major concerts within three days, i watched alicia keys sing her way through a soulful performance on wednesday, while our very own, kylie, raised the roof on friday for an awe-inspiring show. it was a great way to usher what should be a banging summer party season.wednesday, 17th december - alicia keysfriday, 19th december - kylie x 2008
More About: Kylie , Days , Alicia

full of win
2008-12-18 12:59:00
i guess it's one of those things we take for granted these days, but having just come home from an evening of drinks and dinner with my friends, gemma and ingmar, i'm reminded of how much the internet has made the world a much friendlier, much smaller place.it really shouldn't come as a big surprise considering that's how i met the two. online.in fact, ingmar and i have long been blog buddies who have only recently taken the steps to meeting in person. this after reading and commenting on each other's blog for years! and it wasn't until we both joined social networking site, twitter, where we finally decided to take the plunge. that's also where we met little snarky pixie babe, gemma; herself, a blogger and a regular internet habitué.and tonight was the culmination of numerous online characters and messages exchanged. the three of us finally getting together in real life. over beers and serves of pub grub, we got to know one another. it really was as pleasant as expected. an...
More About: Full

the art of giving
2008-12-17 00:25:00
i finally got around to doing some much-needed yuletide shopping yesterday. i don't normally leave my gift-buying so late into the season but with the days going faster than a group of fat chicks to the buffet table, i'm at least glad i've made a start.i've decided that this year will be all about creativity. the creativity to make last my few dollars as possible but without compromising on my renowned gift-giving cred. you see, the credit crunch has hit hard - or, rather the interest on my credit card has! so, gone are the days of lavishing loved ones with multiple presents that are at least $50 in value each. this year, i've had to resort to actually putting more than the usual creative thought needed into my gift ideas.here's but a few of the things i've come up with:little wine bottles and assortments of chocolates done up as 'alcohol and sweet' hampers for friends and colleagues;candid digital photos printed on nice glossy paper and housed in a beautiful frame as memor...
More About: Giving

oh, mercy!
2008-12-14 08:19:00
at some point in my pre-pubescent years, i developed an anxiety-related condition which really affected my confidence and self-esteem when going through puberty. i really don't know how it all came about - fueled partly by body image, partly by sexuality? - but what i do remember is how debilitating it was when an attack occurred.aside from the occasional foray into group singing, i avoided doing most things that involved public performance. the simple thoughts of all those eyes watching and judging were paralysing.i guess now i've come a long way.last saturday i stood behind the theatre curtains by the side of the stage, watching as the girls from our club's dance school perform their routine in front of the hundreds that were seated in the audience. it was the school's end of year concert and this particular performance by the senior group was the penultimate act for the night. it was meant to be the show stopper.dressed in black 40s-inspired dresses, replete in tassels, and c...
More About: Mercy

rejoicing through yuletide songs
2008-12-11 12:44:00
today is exactly two weeks until christmas. are you ready? it's kinda scary, not to mention more than a little overwhelming, to think that we're now closing in on the end of the year. the final turn around the blocks; the finish line ready to be crossed. not that it's a race mind, just that at times it feels that way.i grew up in a culture where christmas is celebrated with immense joy and anticipated even more. growing up, it wasn't uncommon to hear carols being sung and for ornaments to be seen displayed as early as september. in fact, as soon as august ends and the new month begins, seemingly it turns into the festive season overnight. it still happens even now.for this reason, you wouldn't be surprised to know then that i am absolutely enamoured with this time of the year. while i might not be as fanatical as those people from back home, i still celebrate christmas with much gusto. that means decorations, gifts and carols. in fact, i love carols so much that sometimes i lis...
More About: Songs , Rejoicing , Yuletide

where i try slowing down
2008-12-09 12:03:00
two weeks since my last post and i finally find the time to sit and write down my thoughts. honestly, it’s been absolute chaos. one minute it’s november – surprised that i’m again celebrating another birthday – and next, it’s well into december, with christmas only a few weeks away. it’s madness.in any case, so much of what i’ve been doing lately is just that. doing. with hardly any time for introspection or even the most momentary of reflection, the result has been a dire stretch of writer’s block. seriously, can someone come and pimp their muse over my way?driving to the studio early sunday morning for another day of filming, i heard on the radio a body+soul expert talk about the practice of “slowing down”. it sounds a lot like new-age bs, and on the surface it does seem that way, but the concept is not without merit. the practice involves consciously slowing things down not only in the way one acts, moves and speaks, but also in the way one thinks. it’s th...

a time for surprises and birthday cake
2008-11-24 14:00:00
the best and worst part of the weekend was the surprise my mum decided to pull on me. i should have expected that she was up to something.to say that this year has flown would be an understatement in the likes of saying that the london eye is a mere ferris wheel, or that amy winehouse has a slight substance abuse problem. the speed at which the days have passed have been at times quiet overwhelming. after all, it only seemed like yesterday when i was getting ready to leave for my overseas sojourn, eager to celebrate for the first time in a very long time my birthday with family back home. i can't believe how quickly the twelve months have flown.on sunday, my family and i began my birthday celebrations with the typically frenetic popular chinese experience of yumcha. over serves of delicious dumplings, chinese tea and mango puddings, we spent the kind of togetherness that i've been sorely missing over the last few weeks. i didn't realise how much i've craved their company.later t...
More About: Time , Cake , Birthday

where coming out proves a real surprise
2008-11-19 01:17:00
sitting outside in the late afternoon sun, a bunch of us had walked down to the nearby pub for a few drinks after our last tv show taping on sunday. with me were five other crew members - all girls - as well as our male producer. post-filming debrief talk turned to casual chit-chat until my producer, seated next to me, asked out loud a question that i wasn't prepared for."so r*yan, apart from the community newspaper, don't you also write for another publication? a gay and lesbian one?"the table went quiet and all eyes turned to me. i gulped. but before i could answer his question, one of the girls fired out another."are you gay?"well, no time like the present. "yes. yes, i am.""oh...," came her reply.since joining the community tv crew as the newest host, i have felt a little unsure about saying anything regarding my sexuality. although not something that i feel i need to do at all, i have found from experience that disclosure often makes forming new personal relationships a littl...
More About: Real

geek song and lyrics
2008-11-18 00:36:00
following on my post the other day on singing, i was sent this video by a friend. it's a star wars a capella tribute to composer john williams. while the guy doesn't actually sing the songs (he mimes the words, which are actually sung by an a cappella comedy group called moosebutter), the video is still full of win. see, that's geek-speak for awesome. no wonder, i liked this clip. enjoy!
More About: Lyrics , Song , Geek

that deep voice thing
2008-11-16 11:42:00
in high school, i belonged to an a capella singing group as part of our year level's music program. i was the only boy in a group of eight girls and so by default had the part of singing baritone. so, while the girls were having fun harmonising and layering with their lyrics, i was stuck with repeatedly crooning phrases and words like "dum de dum, "dub dub doo" and even "bom bom boo" in the most deepest voice i can muster. i felt embarrassed from having to sing something that sounded so stupid and nonsensical.for the end-of-year performance, we settled on singing boyz II men's late 90s classic, end of the road. it was a pretty easy decision considering how popular the song was back then but at the same time a dicey choice for the very same reason. if we didn't hit the song just right, we'd be laughed at and crucified.several months of hour-long rehearsals and the time had finally come. up on stage, in front of the whole student faculty, we lined up. i'm pretty sure that it was ...
More About: Voice , Deep , Thing

keys, words and smiles
2008-11-09 15:11:00
i spent most of the weekend helping my brother move. he finally got the keys to his new place on friday and we've been busy transforming it into a homely palace. it's been exhausting but fun work - and i'm sure he really appreciated having everyone together at his place.my brother and his partner are probably two of the most responsible young adults that i know. both are the same age - which puts them about 8 years younger than i am - and yet they have achieved more in terms of wealth and security than either me or most of my peers have so far or ever would. i really do admire the guts and determination that they both possess and it's safe to say that i'm quite rightly chuffed and proud.long-time readers of this blog and those who know me personally would be familiar with the tumultuous relationship i've had with my younger brother, especially during his later teenage years when all we seemed to do was butt heads. it was a rebellious phase coupled by different personality trai...
More About: Words , Keys , Smiles

on snoop dogg, president obama and the passing of proposition 8
2008-11-07 04:13:00
for all the controversy that seems to follow him, snoop dogg is hardly the unintelligible party boy thug that he is often portrayed. in fact, the american rapper is opinionated, considerate and quite eloquent in his unique street-smart way.when asked in an interview about his thoughts on the possibility that america will soon have its very first black president, snoops’ response was not only painfully honest but surprising as well.he recalled, as a young child, being forced to lie about his future aspirations of wanting to be the leader of the country. he was afraid of the ridicule that would ensue from what was then a seemingly absurd idea. instead he had answered what seemed to him more plausible: a janitor when he grew up. but recent changes in the political climate in his country, heralded by the election campaign of a once-unlikely presidential candidate, have given snoop cause to be hopeful. not so much for himself, but for his own children. that one day when similarly asked...
More About: President , Obama , Snoop Dogg , Snoop , Passing

pigeon boy and darth dildious do halloween
2008-11-04 03:12:00
halloween was amazing! my friend, jug, and i went to not one, but two dress up parties and both were pretty great.i've been excited about halloween all week. it's a holiday that appeals to my somewhat morbid sensibilities and feeds into my fascination of all things spooky and ghoulish. what's more, it's the best excuse to get kitted up - and you and i know that always prove to be lots of fun.jug came as darth maul, or darth dildious as i knicknamed him, the jedi from star wars. he had his whole face painted in that evil-looking black and red markings and even bought a flashing lightsaber to complete the whole look. when he turned up at my door, i think he scared the little kiddies who were there trick or treating. obviously, he was pretty convincing.as for me, i dressed up as a dark angel. i went and bought myself a pair of black angel wings earlier in the week and even stitched on some extra feathers to make it more badass. on the day, i enlisted the help of my sister (surprisi...
More About: Pigeon , Halloween , Darth

michael jackson made me wet myself
2008-10-31 05:07:00
the first time i heard this song, i was four years old. dad had just returned from america and brought with him a heap load of stuff from the states. michael jackson's new album, thriller, was one of them.at the time, michael was *the* ultimate pop star and his latest release was the thing to have. of course, no one knew back then that years later it was gonna be one of the world's highest ever selling. or that michael would become far scarier than the character he portrays on the video. nope, the only thing people cared about was how cool this song was.dad warned me not to listen but because i was such an obedient child, i of course didn't listen to him. too excited to find out what the whole fuss was about, i took the walkman and the brand new cassette tape and snuck it into my room. there i proceeded to hear the song for the very first time.by the time the final monologue had played out and vincent price had done his maniacal laugh, i'd dropped the walkman and run screaming f...
More About: Michael Jackson , Michael , Made , Jackson

scantily clad but not for mardi gras
2008-10-30 07:38:00
picture it: sydney, early weekend morning. i watch from the hotel room balcony as a steady stream of people make their way down oxford street to join the large throng that has already gathered in hyde park and surrounding areas.from where i'm standing, my eyes take in a sea of bodies. there must be tens of thousands of them down below. a kaleidoscope of individuals, some are costumed simply in feathers and wings while others are even more creatively decorated. a few brave souls are clad in nothing more than body paint. most, though, are dressed appropriately for the occasion. short running shorts, skin tight lycra and comfortable runners that have seen their fair share of kilometres of pavement.but this isn't mardi gras. it isn't even a gay and lesbian event. it is, however, another popular sydney gathering known world over. it's the city2surf fun run.it's unusual to see the areas surrounding oxford street barricaded and not catch glimpses of the fantastically flamboyant floats...
More About: Mardi Gras

there's going to be some scary fun to be had
2008-10-27 13:53:00
october is about to wrap up and that means halloween is only around the corner.while it's never really been a big thing here in australia, i've always loved the thought of celebrating all hallow's eve. i guess it appeals to my love for things horror and supernatural. though i've never actually been out trick or treating myself nor carved my very own jack o'lantern like they do in america, i can appreciate the fun the whole thing brings.which is why i'm really looking forward to this year's celebrations.yours truly has been invited to no less than three separate halloween parties - and all are dress-ups. so excited in fact that i even have my costume already worked out. i won't reveal what it will be just yet but let me say that i've never been this excited to be carrying something on my back. i'm even splashing out on make-up. for a guy that doesn't even know, let alone like, having powder done on his face, that's a leap.now, my only dilemma is how to pace myself for the...
More About: Scary

doing the romp
2008-10-22 09:23:00
i did the melbourne city romp with a bunch of friends over the weekend. a cross between a scavenger hunt and a pared-down version of the amazing race, the event was designed to test participant's knowledge of the melbourne metropolitan area.while my team and i didn't exactly blaze trails, we did have fun discovering new things about the city that we completely missed before. it also gave me the perfect opportunity to take random snaps of some of the things happening on the day plus the quirky things i found in and around melbourne.

looking for a good sherpa
2008-10-20 02:02:00
i have a theory and it is mine.and it is this: when the large hadron collider in geneva was finally turned on, instead of creating a wormhole that would suck all of us into oblivion, it had instead sped up time several fold. it would explain why days are flying by and time is getting away from everybody.it's a stupid theory, i know, not to mention incredibly geeky, but it's one that i'm willing to entertain. lately it seems my life is on a fast-forward course. i wake up on monday, have lunch and it's wednesday, dinner is friday, and when sleep is nigh it's sunday. doesn't yours feel this way?last month when i became one of the new presenters for a local community tv show, i finally realised a dream i first toyed with in high school. the idea of being on television seemed like a far-fetched idea back then and if anybody had told me that years later i would so stiffly and scarily front up the cameras, i'd told them to pull the other one and get back to doing my homework.the thi...
More About: Sherpa , Good

anxiety, angst and the blue wardrobe
2008-10-14 13:17:00
when i was eight years old, my mother entered me into the school's christmas pantomime. i was an elf, amongst a chorus line of nine. our role: to recite a poem espousing the magic of the season. it was the opening to a yuletide extravaganza.when show day arrived, my breath caught at the sight of the hall filled to capacity. with hundreds of people – student body, faculty, family and friends – nervousness flooded my tiny body and soon the butterflies in my tummy were doing olympic-style acrobatics. but dressed in my green elfenery, i took to the stage and fronted the crowd.one by one, we recited our poems. waiting anxiously for my turn, repeating lines in my head, i started to feel sick. breaking out in a cold sweat, i suddenly couldn't breathe and i began to panic. when my time had arrived, i was completely paralysed. the bright spotlight shone overhead, the crowd quiet with anticipation, my parents staring and waiting. i couldn't speak. i gulped; i took a deep breath but not...
More About: Blue , Anxiety

saved from an onscreen meltdown
2008-10-09 08:41:00
the first day of filming turned out to be every bit as scary as i imagined it to be. so much in fact that at one point i actually wondered what i had gotten myself into. that thought came to me as i was staring down the barrel of a camera, about to have an onscreen meltdown.doing our first lot of episode shoots over the weekend made me realise that there's so much more to tv presenting and making a tv show than i had originally expected, even though i already knew that it wasn't going to be merely point, smile and shoot. behind the scenes, there are cameras to calibrate, audio to setup and sets to decorate. inside the booth, there are hundreds of switches to flick, myriad of buttons to press, and a number of videos to queue and process. and for the three other new presenters and i, before fronting the cameras, there are segments to summarise and scripts to memorise.and it would have been a pretty straightforward undertaking if only said scripts and segments were actually done and ...

sleaze, sex and travel
2008-10-09 06:09:00
as well as put time in front of the cameras this weekend, i also spent part of it catching up with friend, zane, who is down from sydney.i first met zane a couple of years ago through another friend when both had come to visit melbourne. since then, we've gotten along very well. the thing i really like about zane is his somewhat off-beat humour and demenour; the kind that comes across as being innocent but not. in fact, over the years, i've grown to like that cheeky side of him. part of this, i guess, is the fact that he's seen so much of the world and so brings that perspective and clarity that travel often does. the difference in his case, however, is his likeness for things seedy and well, sexual. so, it's no surprise that the conversation we had over dinner was dominated by illuminating topics such as international sex clubs, foreign pick-up lines and hotel room action. i felt sorry for anyone within earshot who were trying to enjoy a decent sunday meal.our conversation turn...
More About: Travel , Sleaze

green love: on condoms and the environment
2008-10-01 14:13:00
once the realm of serious environmentalists and well-meaning but misunderstood tree-huggers, being eco-friendly has now become an everyday reality for all.gone are the days of bleached white paper products made from old growth forests as well as those once-ubiquitous throwaway plastic bags. in their place are plantation-harvested and reusable alternatives. and this environmental awareness hasn't only been limited to simple consumption of paper or plastic but also to other products we use day to day.how about slipping on a pair of sustainably grown underpants made from bamboo and hemp? or applying those biodegradable plant-based moisturiser and hair products? or even drinking your favourite fair-trade wine and latte? being green conscious is now de rigueur.is it any wonder that this would also affect those things we use in a more pleasurable manner?in the world of prophylactics, the humble condom is king. used properly, it can prevent not only the transmission of AIDS and HIV but al...
More About: Environment , Love , Green , Condoms , The Environment

six weird things
2008-09-28 09:40:00
memes have been going around the interwebz for a while now, but just in case some of you have not heard of them before (really?!), here's the definition as taken from wikipedia:"a meme refers to a unit of cultural information transferable from one mind to another"...yeah, right.or in teh internet's term, a meme is a kind of list of questions that you saw somewhere else and you decided to answer which then someone else sees and does the same and so on and so on. geddit?anyway, the reason i brought it up is that i was tagged to do one: six weird things about you. here goes:1. i have a mild form of OCD which is demonstrated by my constant need to check that both my alarms have been set for the next day.2. sometimes, for breakfast, i eat liver spread and tomato sauce on toast - which i love.3. i attach irrational sentimental value to inanimate objects which is why i have payslips dating back since my first job at fifteen.4. when i'm having a really good bowel movement, i will look do...
More About: Weird , Things

in which i become a tv star
2008-09-24 06:43:00
writing a new résumé recently gave me an excellent opportunity to look back at the way my career employment had unfolded over the years. it's provided me with some interesting insights i hadn't previously realised.within the last decade, i've had eight different job roles with five different employers. out of these five employers, one is a multi-national finance company, two are independent private businesses in retail and fitness, and the rest are community organisations who employ me on a freelance capacity. the multi-national offered the most in terms of benefits and numeration and yet it was the job i enjoyed the least, nor lasted longest in. office politics made working there difficult as well as the inflexibility of the role i found myself in. the independent businesses meanwhile were the most flexible but provided the least in terms of career opportunity or growth. and the community-based entities, well, they pay the least but the ones i find most enjoyable and rewarding...
More About: Star

glasses and appearances
2008-09-17 14:54:00
i've been wearing the same pair of glasses for the last couple of years. they're the rimless kind with thin lenses held together by two flimsy bits of metal; so light and inconspicuous that sometimes i forget that i even have them on.i guess some people don't notice them either. i realised this the other day when i found an old pair of specs that i'd hidden in the drawer: the bookish kind, with the narrow, black plastic frames that you expect to see geeky sorts wear. suffice to say, this pair is very conspicuous.one morning, i popped over to the shops to buy the newspaper. whenever i've come to this particular store, i'd usually get the same unfriendly woman at the counter. not once can i recall her ever saying hello or making any kind of small talk. her cracking a smile was certainly out of the question, or so i assumed.but on this particular day, when i came to pay, eager to hand my money over and be on my way, i had to stop and stare when she greeted me not only with a "hel...
More About: Appearances , Glasses

sentimental pessimist, frustrated optimist
2008-09-04 06:34:00
i managed to avoid it all winter long and even thought i was in the clear soon as spring rolled in but it seems there's no escaping it altogether. the damn bug going around finally got me.this week was meant to be the start of a new fitness routine, one that would see me back to my old sexy self again come summer, but rather than sweating it out at the gym, i've instead been doing that in my pjs, in bed.it's been an exercise in perseverance and patience as i've found myself getting increasingly stressed and irritated with work, family, friends and even myself. being unwell brings both the sentimental pessimist in me as well as the frustrated optimist. guess which one is typing this post?anyway, sorry. let's get this on track.instead of an actual blog entry, here are some things that've been on my mind:wicked. i went to see this with my friend anthony over the weekend. i liked it - and the more i think about it, the more i'm impressed by how ingenious and clever the writers we...
More About: Sentimental , Frustrated

waiting in the dark
2008-03-07 23:30:00
i spent most of yesterday afternoon at work looking out the window, watching for clients as they came up to the door.we had a power failure that affected the whole building, which meant no treadmills, no computers, no lighting on the gym floor. i had to shut the place down for safety and security reasons.as i looked out, waiting for the unsuspecting club members to let them know of their unwitting excuse to miss their workout for the day, i can see the bingo hall across the way. despite the closed doors and the lack of lighting inside, a steady queue of people formed outside the premises. some looked confused as they arrived to the unusual circumstance of the afternoon, some questioned the others already waiting by the pile, while most simply joined the line as they arrived, blindly following the person in front. there were no signs posted by their door. no one looking out their window.i wondered how long the group would stay, without due notice, until they have had enough of waiti...
More About: Dark , The Dark , Waiting

celebrating diversity
2008-03-06 05:58:00
hordes of queers from all over the country and the globe descended down to the gay ghetto of sydney for the biggest queer party event in the world: the sydney gay and lesbian mardi gras.and all sported some kind of gorgeous with practically everybody pre-occupied in looking their best. they strutted when they walked, posed when they stood still and preened whenever in front of anything reflective. it truly was a terrific ode to the flesh and the body beautiful.and it was no more on show than on the parade.but there was one particular group that really got my attention.dubbed "the 78ers", the collective is the original participants of that first explosive march on 24 june 1978, which saw a light-hearted demonstration descend into a bloodbath when police bashed and arrested the participants. this once intimidated and abused group, now joyous and beaming, marched without costumes, fancy floats, loud music nor blatant displays of bare flesh: just a simple banner bearing the words, "stil...
More About: Diversity

jaunts and stupors
2008-02-28 06:08:00
although it's only been over a month since i returned, it has definitely felt a lot longer. and i think it's fair to say that at the start, i definitely loathed being back home... those first few steps off the plane felt absolutely painful.i can't quite exactly figure out what i'm supposed to feel after spending more than 2 months in the philippines. let me just say that my experience could be defined as a dramatic blend of chaos, awakening and bitter sweet merry making.routine is slowly returning - both as a blessing and a curse - and my consolation is that i have wonderful friends that have excitedly waited for my return... and that everyday brings me closer to a return visit.in the meantime, though, i am off to another jaunt.sydney celebrates its landmark 30th gay and lesbian mardi gras this weekend, and although i may not be looking forward to attending this time as much as i did the year before, it's still sure to be another great experience.and who knows? a weekend-filled...