Potpourri of InsanityPotpourri of InsanityVarious stuff ranging from cars to women to gadgets to jokes, etc... Articles
Relationships as defined by Sesame Street Characters...
2007-08-29 07:57:00 There are people that spend a lifetime trying to figure out their relationships. Using simple correlations between Sesame Street characters and typical, screwed up relationships, I have created a way for you to understand where you are in your love sphere and how quickly that bubble will probably burst.The Kermit and Miss PiggyThis is the most basic of all relationships. The guy doesn?t know what he wants. The girl knows exactly what she wants. Pretty soon, she convinces him through a combination of screaming, sweet talk and simple karate chops that they should be together forever. THIS RELATIONSHIP IS UNSUITABLE FOR KOSHER DIETS.The Grover You do not know why you are dating this person. They drive you nuts. They don?t know what they want. They annoy the fuck out of you. All you know is that they give good hugs and you can't help but love them.The Cookie MonsterDesire is the foundation to any relationship. Cookie Monster desires only one thing. Men only desire one thing. They will ... More About: Relationships , Characters , Defined
Results Pay...
2007-08-26 18:37:00 A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.""Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?""Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached... More About: Results , Result
Red-Neck Pickup Lines...
2007-08-26 18:22:00 1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to check you out.5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til' afternoon.13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up More About: Lines , Pickup , Neck
24 Hour to Live...
2007-08-23 23:36:00 Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and again they made love.Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up."Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and ... More About: Live , Hour
Our Lifetime in Numbers...
2007-08-23 23:34:00 Life expectancy ? 78.5 years or 2,475,576,000 secondsWords Spoken in Lifetime - 123,205,750Friendships ? 1,700 Baths ? 7,163 Dreams ? 104,390Beef and Veal consumed - 4.5 cows per personChickens consumed ? 1,201Potatoes consumed - 2,327 kilosChocolate - 10,354 barsBaked Beans ? 845 tinsFarts ? 35,815 litres of windSoap ? 656Toothpaste -276Deodorant ? 272, Shampoo ? 198Beer ? 10,351 pintsWine ? 1,694 bottlesVomit produced ? 149 litresSex - 4,239 timesHolidays - 59 trips More About: Numbers , Number
Groaners...
2007-08-23 23:32:00 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'""That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.""Is it common?""Well, It's Not Unusual."8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning.""I don't believe you," says Dolly."It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...
Child Mullets...
2007-08-22 21:39:00 It definitely raises ethical issues.It's a defenseless child, being shaped and 'mullded' into a life knowing nothing other than the mullet. More About: Child , Mullet
SuperDaad...
2007-08-22 21:38:00 A 78-year old one-legged Emirati father is lining up his next two wives in a bid to reach his target of 100 children by 2015. Daad Mohammed Murad Abdul Rahman, 60, has already had 15 brides although he has to divorce them as he goes along to remain within the legal limit of four wives at a time.In 2015 I will be 68 years old and will have 100 children, Abdul Rahman said. After that I will stop marrying. I have to have at least three more marriages to hit the century.
How NOT to Get Ripped at the Gym...
2007-08-22 21:22:00 When a large enough group of people believe in something, that thing usually becomes the truth even when that is not the case at all. There are many fitness myths out there that a lot of people think is true. In my last article, I wrote about 14 simple things we can do to change our body for the better. Applying even just one or two of the concepts mentioned in my previous article will go a long way in making you fitter. In this article, we will be exposing all these fitness myths that are actually stopping you from attaining your goals!Muscle will turn into fat. This extremely popular fitness myth goes two ways. If you're fat and you hit the gym, your fats will shape themselves to give you the physique of a Greek God. When you stop training, your muscles will then turn into fat. The actual truth is that muscle and fat are actually two different types of cells in our body. Fat cannot turn into muscle and muscle cannot turn into fat. However, you can burn fat and build muscle. Someo... More About: Ripped , The G
The Queen's Court...
2007-08-22 05:21:00 Annually The Queen of England has her picture taken with her personal guards. It usually gets published in Newspapers in England. I rather think that this one was picked up by many papers and-or magazines and we may see it around everywhere. Somehow, I think that her Right-Hand Man is not going to have his job much longer!!!!!! More About: Court
Beauties or Monsters...?
2007-08-20 20:47:00 In loving memory of the Clones... More About: Monsters , Mons
Women Are Smarter Than Men...
2007-08-20 07:42:00 When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a month or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.Women are so much smarter than men.
Thought for the Day...
2007-08-17 11:38:00 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose . More About: Thought , The D
Iron Soccer Ball Prank...
2007-08-17 11:16:00 Bwahahahahaha!You have to watch this! More About: Prank , Soccer , Ball , Iron
ROGER That...
2007-08-17 11:14:00 A man threw his seriously ill wife four stories to her death because he could no longer afford to pay for her medical care, prosecutors said in charging him with second-degree murder.According to court documents filed, Stanley Reimer walked his wife to the balcony of their apartment and kissed her before throwing her over. The body of Criste Reimer, 47, was found Tuesday night outside the apartment building, near the upscale Country Club Plaza shopping district.Reimer was charged Wednesday. He remained jailed on $250,000 bond and was scheduled to be arraigned Thursday. » Article here
Overheard on the Streets of New York...
2007-08-17 11:12:00 Boy: Mommy, what will happen if the tram falls into the river?Mother: We will all die, darling. But I told you not to be afraid of dying!Boy: But Mommy, I'm only eight! I'm too young to die!Mother: Well, darling, stuff happens!-Roosevelt Island tramGirl on cell, gazing into window of Nine West: Look, I'm with a client right now so I really can't talk, okay?-50th & 6thQueer: There are a lot of young kids out there learning how to spell 'glamorous,' and that makes me real happy.-Canal Jeans CoNew school guy trying to impress girl: You have got to try it. It will change your life. It's like a more mature Smirnoff Ice.-19th & 8thSmall Canadian mimicking fat kid: You run funny.Fat kid: Shut up or I'll eat you. I eat Canadians for breakfast.-Bronx ScienceDude #1: Man, let's get out of here. These girls are ready, and there's free condoms right over there.Dude #2: No way, man. I wanna jump around to this music some more.-Irving Plaza More About: New York , York , New-York , Streets , The Streets
Pottie Prank...
2007-08-17 11:12:00 http://view.break.com/350100 - Watch more free videos More About: Prank
Give Your Honest ASSessment?
2007-08-17 11:02:00 JLo's getting old... More About: Assessment , Give , Honest
Kids - Anything By McDonald's Is Better...
2007-08-16 08:06:00 Pavlov would be proud.Instead of ringing a bell to get simple minded creatures to salivate it turns out all you have to do is wrap a McDonald's wrapper around it.Our youth (and our future-scary) were tested to see how the react to the McDonald's label. A study was done on the youngins to see if advertising was creating zombie-like consumers who react to the brand name. Just two of the 63 children studied said they had never eaten at McDonald's, and about one-third ate there at least weekly.Advertisers have tried to do exactly what this study is talking about ? to brand younger and younger children, to instill in them an almost obsessional desire for a particular brand-name product," Dr. Victor Strasburger said.The study included three McDonald's menu items ? hamburgers, chicken nuggets and French fries ? and store-bought milk or juice and carrots.Children got two identical samples of each food on a tray, one in McDonald's wrappers or cups and the other in plain, unmarked packag... More About: Kids
A Deal is a Deal...
2007-08-16 07:16:00 A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I guarantee you will make this shot."The golfer said "OK." He made the shot for birdie.A few holes later, he was having trouble on another hole. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle.""You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win.""OK," the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from n... More About: Deal
Because I'm A Man...
2007-08-14 09:51:00 Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win._____________________________________ _______________________ Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion._______________________________ _____________________________ Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem._________________________________ ___________________________ Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase... More About: A Man
Locusts are Killing Bamboo Forest...
2007-08-14 09:46:00 In China, a special pesticide mix is used to kill locusts plaguing a bamboo forest in Chongqing. The pesticide used is actually a mixture of urine and Dylox. Five forest protection stations were issued with buckets to collect more urine for the mix. The pests have been plaguing more than 130 hectares of the forest since April and their numbers exploded last month. Current estimates of the number of locusts stand at 10 locusts per square meter. More About: Bamboo , Forest , Fore , Locust , Killing
Money Facts That Will Blow You Away...
2007-08-12 20:21:00 Do you think you know a lot about money? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. But let's see if any of the following facts are in any way surprising to you:More of our fantasies are about money... than sex.90% of Americans who own pets buy them Christmas gifts.For $10,000,000 most of us would do almost ANYTHING! Including abandoning our family and friends and our church. A very high percentage of us would, for that same amount of money, change our race or sex. And, 1 in every 14, would even murder someone for ten million bucks. What's really strange about this is, the statistics remain the same whether it's ten million dollars all the way down to three million. For three million bucks, most of us would do the same horrible things we would do for ten million. But, guess what? Few of us would do these things for a "measly" two million.92% of us would rather be rich than find the love of our lives.If you get your money out of a Hitachi ATM machine in Japan, it will be laundered. The way t... More About: Facts , Money
How To Tick People Off...
2007-08-12 20:13:00 Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."Practice making fax and modem noises.Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green,... More About: People , Tick
China's Hariest Man Has Receeding Hairline...
2007-08-12 20:00:00 How ironic is that?China's hairiest man, Yu Zhenhuan, poses on a track in Beijing in his bid to run in next year's Olympic torch relay, state media said this week. More About: Hari
The ABC's of Ex-Wives...
2007-08-09 06:12:00 A is for Alimony ? the gift that keeps on giving.B is for Balls ? which are now ours again.C is for Court ? where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.D is for Divorce ? the alternative to axe murder.E is for Equitable Distribution ? another oxymoron.F is for Flatulence ? finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.G is for Gandhi?someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.H is for House ? which the bitch also got.I is for Inmate ? where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.J is for Jewellery ? the former great equalizer.K is for Kids ? the best of everything.L is for Lawyer ? whose most recent vacation you just paid for.M is for Mother ? and Oh what a Mother Fucker!!N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.O is for Overdrawn ? what your checking account always was.P is for PMS ? what we say: ?No, honey, you don?t look like you?re retaining water.? ?what we mean, ?No wonder there?s a... More About: Wives , The A
Law's Of Life...
2007-08-09 06:06:00 * The Law of Common SenseNever accept a drink from a urologist.* The Law of RealityNever get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.* The Law of Self SacrificeWhen you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.* The Law of VolunteeringIf you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.* The Law of Avoiding OversellWhen putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.* The Law of MotivationCreativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.* Boob?s LawYou always find something in the last place you look.* Weiler?s LawNothing is impossible for the man who doesn?t have to do it himself.* Law of Probable DispersalWhatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.* Law of Volunteer LabourPeople are always available for work in the past tense.* Conway?s LawIn any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.* Iron Law of DistributionThem that has, gets.* Law of Cybernetic EntomologyThere is always one mor... More About: Life
Life's Biggest Problems...
More articles from this author:2007-08-09 05:58:00 1. Tunnel Vision : The tendency to focus only on the immediate crisis or sore spot . Under stress, things look worse or more complex than they really are.The solutionPerspective : Ask if it will matter in 6 months . Ask what else is going on? How did I create this situation and, in an ideal world, what would I like to do about it?2. Fear : The anxiety or terror that things will go badly, that we will fail or be embarrassed.The solutionHumour and Curiosity : Modern life has very few sabre-tooth tigers . The situation is rarely life or death . Ask, What's the worst that can happen? What's the best? What can I learn? What would I do if I had no fear?3. Confusion : The sense of being lost or unclear about our direction . The sense that we don't know our own priorities anymore.The solutionResponsible Choices : Choose your values and priorities and set your own path . Your life is yours . Check your moral compass, pick a direction and do something extraordinary!4. Guilt : The belief th... More About: Problems 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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