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Bipolarchick.net - Reflections of a Crazy Life

Bipolarchick.net - Reflections of a Crazy Life
Young woman blogging about her life, being bipolar, self-injury, recovery, triggers, fear, failure, past abuse, relationships, dating, sexcapades, current struggles & other issues, as well as advocating for others diagnosed with mental illness.

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Articles

Things I Think About When I Can't Sleep
2007-11-25 09:15:00
My heart hurts, like someone was squeezing, releasing, and squeezing it over and over again. clawing, squeezing. ripping. it almost feels like I can't breathe. Then for a couple of minutes, I can't feel anything except a huge lump in my throat and an elephant on my chest. I open myself wide open for just anyone to come and make a cruel comment that cuts right through my heart and makes me want to hurt myself by any means available. No relief or relaxation. Stand at attention at all times. On guard. No matter what you can't let your guard down. If you fuck up and let it down you will pay. You will pay in ways you never thought of in your worst nightmare; no exaggeration. A man you thought would protect you from harm was harming you, as was others. These people were touching you in such a way you felt like you were nothing but a dirty whore who needed to be punished and denied the right to die. the worst thing you could think of at that time; that is what happened to yo...
More About: Sleep , Things

Where Do I Begin?
2007-11-20 08:22:00
I have so much writing to catch up on; I don???t even know where to begin. So much has been happening lately. I???m confused, overwhelmed, ecstatic, exhausted, numb, scared, hopeful, and sad all at the same time. I???ve forgotten to take my meds the past three days, until a few minutes ago. I feel like I???m teetering on the brink of something, but I don???t know what. I have all these different thoughts and feelings bubbling within me and most of them conflict with each other. My behavior over the past couple weeks has been taboo to say the least. I don???t feel guilty about it, in fact I would do it all again. The partying, sexcapades, bloodletting??? It???s like I know I shouldn???t be doing these things, but I don???t care. I know getting drunk and/or smoking pot doesn???t resolve anything, but it lets me relax, not one of the goddamned pills they shove at me can accomplish that feat. Returning to work in October fucked me up royally. I lasted about three weeks and I haven???t g...

Where Do I Begin?
2007-11-20 08:22:00
I have so much writing to catch up on; I don?t even know where to begin. So much has been happening lately. I?m confused, overwhelmed, ecstatic, exhausted, numb, scared, hopeful, and sad all at the same time. I?ve forgotten to take my meds the past three days, until a few minutes ago. I feel like I?m ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Where Do I Begin?", url: "http://bipolarchick.net/blog/thoughts/20 07/11/20/where_to_begin/" });

I'm Back
2007-11-11 21:31:00
I've just been writing about random shit and reposting articles for the past few months. Why? One word: Erick. The person who I had considered the love of my life was reading my innermost thoughts and secrets. I was uncomfortable and more than a little embarrassed which made me reluctant to write. I felt that way because he discovered shameful things that happened in my past that I never told him about. I was also embarrassed because he learned how I really felt. I cannot worry about that any longer. Writing is therapeutic for me and I need it. I could always make my posts private, but that would defeat one purpose for this blog. That purpose is to stop hiding myself. To finally admit to myself and others what has happened. I have to accept those things or I will never be free of them. Making those things public makes the events real instead of some far away nightmare that I avoid thinking about as often as possible. So I will be back to writing my way. I listened to Three Day...
More About: Back

Flashback
2007-11-10 12:58:00
I see thick blue lines under my skin pulsing; silently pleading to be stuck. Blood within me bursting with need to escape. I'm hurting and I don't know what to do. A person that sexually abused me on and off for eleven years was texting my roomie earlier. I was getting drunk and having a good time with her; that is until she showed me a text from that person. She doesn't know he used to do those things to me. I've only told four people in my entire life the identity of this person. I was deeply in love with two of them. The other two were my sister and Tori. The text message my roomie showed me read, "tell her to take a picture of her tits and send them to my phone." When I read that, I was transported back to the garage where he used to rape me. Laying there, helpless, unable to scream or fight back. Paralyzed by shame and guilt. How can one statement ruin ten months worth of hard work?!?
More About: Flashback

Letter to my sister
2007-11-06 13:13:00
Tara, I think about you every single day and have for the past 15 years. Does our father even remember what today is? I know I do, I'll never forget it. 11 years ago today your life was stolen. I miss you so much. I regret that we didn't have a chance to do the things ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Letter to my sister", url: "http://bipolarchick.net/blog/relationshi ps/2007/11/06/letter-to-tara/" });
More About: Relationships , Friends , Sister , Tara

Letter to my sister
2007-11-06 13:13:00
Tara, I think about you every single day and have for the past 15 years. Does our father even remember what today is? I know I do, I'll never forget it. 11 years ago today your life was stolen. I miss you so much. I regret that we didn't have a chance to do the things that sister's do. I'm so mad at your mother for keeping us apart. I'm afraid that you had no idea how much I loved you. I wish I could take your place.
More About: Letter , Sister

My Father
2007-11-03 10:11:00
why doesn't my father love me? i'm his child and he never cared to get to know me. what does that say about me? what did i do? why was i born? why do i have to live? why couldn't my mother have aborted me instead of her first child? i shouldn't have been allowed to live. i don't want my life. i wish someone would just take it from me. please. i can't take it myself because then others may blame themselves and i don't want that. it's no one else's fault; just my own and i don't want anyone else to possibly blame themselves. why does my father's lack of love for me effect me so much? why does his opinion matter to me? why do i feel so unworthy? my sister, tara, is the lucky one. this month is the anniversary of her death. i want so much to have been able to be a part of her life. i wish i could trade places with her.
More About: Father , Fath

Directv Bastards
2007-11-03 02:10:00
I'm feeling very overwhelmed right now. My new boss just called to find out when I'm coming back to work. I was stoned, so I told him the truth. I hope I didn't sound too much like a bitch. I just told him like it is. I'm still not ready yet. They overwhelmed me. If ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Directv Bastards", url: "http://bipolarchick.net/blog/thoughts/20 07/11/02/directv-bastards/" });
More About: Thoughts , Rect

Signs?
2007-11-01 13:04:00
My Sacrifice by Creed came on while I was talking to Peter and it made me think of Erick . I asked myself, "why do I still feel so damned drawn to him?" We tried a relationship before and the timing was all off. I was about to blow the thought off, then Gone Forever came ...
More About: Thoughts , Signs

Signs?
2007-11-01 13:04:00
My Sacrifice by Creed came on while I was talking to Peter and it made me think of Erick. I asked myself, "why do I still feel so damned drawn to him?" We tried a relationship before and the timing was all off. I was about to blow the thought off, then Gone Forever came ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Signs ?", url: "http://bipolarchick.net/blog/thoughts/20 07/11/01/signs/" });
More About: Thoughts

Sex and Faygo
2007-10-28 15:45:00
On October 24th, I went to see Insane Clown Posse for the fifth time. This time I went with my roommate, Dudney. His little brother, Doug, and nephew, Robert, work security at Cain's, so we were supposed to get in free. However, since it was an ICP show and Juggalos and Juggalettes get rowdy Cain's beefed up security, which is why Doug and Robert didn't get to hook us up with free entry. I have made a ninja out of my roomie so he wanted to go as bad as I did. I sure as hell couldn't afford a ticket because my financial situation is still dire due to being out on leave for almost five months, so Dudney bought my ticket. He said he owed me for being his wingman with T.J. Dudney rocks. I had three Jager bombs before we even left the house. I didn't want to be completely sober at the show. I also took my infamous coke bottle full of Jager with me. I didn't want to take it into Cain’s with me, but I wanted a couple more shots before we went in. We got ...

I know, I know
2007-10-27 17:38:00
I know I haven't been writing about my life as much as usual, but things have been crazy (no pun intended) and I just haven't had time to write. I'm working on a couple updates and I'll post them as soon as I can. Related posts Ice Storm (0) I'm Back (4) I'm Almost Finished (0) I talked to Erick ...SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "I know, I know", url: "http://bipolarchick.net/blog/misc/2007/1 0/27/i-know/" });

Bands I've Seen Live (well, the ones I remember)
2007-10-25 06:59:00
I am a major concert junkie. I have been to lots of shows. Related posts Video Gallery (0) Survey I was told to do (0) Near Death, One year ago tonight (15) My Interests and Preferred Pastimes (0) My Birth Chart (0) SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: "Bands I've Seen Live (well, the ones I remember)", url: "http://bipolarchick.net/blog/events/2007 /10/24/concerts/" });

Bands I've Seen Live (well, the ones I remember)
2007-10-25 06:59:00
Current Mood: I am a major concert junkie. I have been to lots of shows. 10+ x's Good Charlotte (10) 6-9 x’s Reliant K (6) 3-5 x’s ICP (5) Simple Plan (5) Smile Empty Soul (3) Three Days Grace (3) Twice Breaking Benjamin Buckcherry Crossfade Eve 6 Goldfinger Puddle of Mudd Twiztid Once (hed) PE 2 Live Crew ABK Alien Ant Farm Blaze Brother Kane Cake Candlebox Coal Chamber Cold Cypress Hill Def Leopard Dynamite Hack Evanescence Everlast Faith No More Fuel Garth Brooks Godsmack Hailstorm Hank Williams Jr Hazen Street Hoobastank Hurt Icehouse Joan Jett John Anderson Kid Rock Korn Lifehouse Linkin Park Lola Ray Marcy Playground Mercy Fall Mest Mudvayne MxPx Nelly New Found Glory Oleander Orgy Pillar P.O.D. Red Saliva Seether Sevendust Shindown Sinikil SR-71 Staind Story of the Year Stretch Armstrong Sum 41 Tantric The Cult The Daestro Tone Loc V Shape Mind Weezer Listening to: Dope - Jenny's Cry...
More About: Bands , Well

Self-Management
2007-10-22 02:22:00
With any condition that goes in a cycle, half the battle of managing it is monitoring where you are in the cycle at any time. To cope, it's sometimes useful to think about bipolar disorder in the same way that you might think about asthma or diabetes. You need to take certain daily measures - of your breathing capacity or blood sugar - and then take these into account in what you do for that day. Similarly, with bipolar disorder, you can monitor your mood and your thoughts. This helps you to spot changes in mood that might come before a relapse. It's still possible that a relapse may happen, but you can plan for this. It's important to have a trusted friend or carer. You can make an agreement that whenever they spot the warning signs of a relapse they will warn you, and you can both take certain pre-agreed steps. These could be taking a couple of days' rest, reviewing whether you've taken on too much lately and shedding some of it, or seeing a community men...
More About: Management , Self-Management

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