Confessions of a London Secretary

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Love, Confusion, and A Warm Arse
2007-07-02 01:01:00
I am besotted with an older man. In fact, I'd like to run away with him. After months of gazing into each other's eyes across the photocopier, we ended up at a party together. I knew he was either hoping for a legover or at best, a chance to talk to me. He got the latter, and to my absolute horror, told me that he had been married for twenty years and was taking his wife on holiday to the West Indies for a second honeymoon. I felt quite amazed that someone who was that interested in me, is also that married - what a shock! Anyway, I backed off and went to talk to my other workmates. I was terribly confused, but he seemed to want to carry on talking to me. I backed off, but this passionate attraction between us just wouldn't go away.Anyway, I couldn't take the heat, and became totally pissed within a couple of hours. Why oh why was he still pursuing me after telling me that! He kept standing next to me, but for the life of me, I couldn't understand why after informing...
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PIE-EYED WITH A SEXY GUINEA PIG
2007-04-18 00:38:00
I'm terribly hungover, having spent last night chatting to my "Sexy Guin ea Pig" barman at the City local. Having spent the whole day feeling troubled about a past relationship, I asked a work colleague out for drinks. The local pub is, how shall I put this, a sleazy den of exciting possibilities. When I say "possibilities", I mean, it's possible to get utterly pickled by closing time, and even more possible to wake up next to a city chap the next morning (usually married I hasten to add).I met my ex partner in that very same pub in May of last year, and once the cheating charlatan sodded off with an instant lay in a cupboard one night, I returned to the local to drown my sorrows. That is how I have become very dear friends with the "Sexy Guinea Pig". He's seen me through the highs and lows of city life, and doesn't just lend an ear, but extends real friendship, laughter and loyalty to me. With out him, I'd certainly be lost. He's watched me virtually ruin myself over the past s...

TEMPS, DEALS AND VALUES
2007-04-15 23:56:00
Back in 2004, I was temping for a massive American corporation in the City. Most of the bosses spoke to their secretaries as though they had pelted their Hugo Boss shirts with egg and ketchup rolls. Merciless in their pursuit of big bucks, these bosses would bully their poor administrative staff into working until midnight, or even until three o'clock the next morning. Since the secretaries never kicked up a fuss, they all just put up and shut up.One poor girl had aged well beyond her years. She moaned and complained about how much she hated her job, but did nothing to change the situation. Her typical week consisted of working for two nights on the trot until midnight, followed by an early morning flight to somewhere in Europe with her boss, and then a flight back to London that same day, whereby she was expected to go straight back to the office and work again until midnight. "He expects the odd blow job on the aeroplane," she admitted, "He calls me his bit of duty free. Last ti...
More About: Deal , Values , Value , Temp

WHITE LEGS
2007-04-15 23:47:00
I, like many people this weekend, enjoyed the summer sunshine. However, I am dreading showing off my white legs on the tube tomorrow - people are so judgemental of naturally pale skin-tone. Being celtic, I have no wish to dye my pale skin brown by using Nivea lotions or any other lotion for that matter. Neither will I fry myself beneath the fierce heat of a tanning booth. I think that far too much emphasis is placed on being brown, especially since we know just how harmful the sun's rays are. I will stick to being white and being proud of it.A London secretary reveals her daily life in the City of London. The typing, the tea-making, the affairs and the city boys, are all delightfully blogged. An interesting take on power, sex and London parties.
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TRAINS JOURNEYS, STALINIST TICKET INSPECTORS AND SOCIALIST RULES
2007-04-13 00:36:00
That's it! I've had enough of commuting into Waterloo every morning. Take this morning for example, when my train was nearly half an hour late. This happens regularly I hasten to add, and each week commuters are guaranteed at least one day where you are lucky if you make it into work by 10:00 a.m. Anyway, my train was very late today, and coupled with so many fellow commuters queuing up for tickets, it's always impossible to get my monthly season ticket renewed, no matter how early I arrive at the station. In fact, the ticket office was closed and the station guard had left a note to say 'Back later'. He went AWOL since knew he'd get told off by stressed business folk who needed to make their meetings on time.When the train eventually arrived, everyone fought for a seat. Elbows in the tits, briefcases smacking into bollocks, and tea being spilled from a polystyrene cup over the jacket of an office receptionist, are all acts which demonstrate the lengths commuters will go to in...
More About: Social , Journey , Rain , Soci , Train

A LOVELORN SUMMER
2007-04-11 21:08:00
Summer can be so cruel when all you are left with are memories of a broken love affair....Last year was wild. I met a married man back in May. I had a late afternoon meeting, which didn't finish until 8:00 p.m. that night, after which one of my dearest office companions thought it would be a great idea to head off to the local pub. Having arrived there, my fate was to change considerably, from being a somewhat cynical woman in her thirties, to a doughy-eyed mistress. I later became cynical all over again, and the cynicism won't subside.After just five minutes of walking in through the pub door, the man in question made his approach. He was drunk, dishevelled and had the most unusual Michael York accent. In fact, he looks a little like Michael York, with a twist of Michael Portillo. I must hasten to add that this is not my usual preference, but he was so persistent, and insisted on joining us for a drink. He carried some very heavy folders containing e-mails and nasty notes from hi...
More About: Love , Summer

COMMUTING, THE OLYMPICS AND WASTING TAXPAYERS' MONEY
2007-04-10 21:46:00
Back to work today after the gloriously sunny Easter break. I hopped onto my usual morning train and seated myself next to a rotund lady with dark hair. I usually sit myself next to someone who looks like they can sit still in a seat, rather than next to someone who fidgets or elbows you in the tits every five seconds. Appearances can be deceptive though, and this morning I found myself next to the mother of all fidgets. She clearly didn't want me to sit next to her on the isle seat, since she had placed her designer handbag on it. "Please can I sit here," I said, gesturing to the bright red, narrow seat. She grunted and snatched her bag from the seat as if I was about to pinch it and spend her hard earned cash at a horrible home improvement store. She then began to inch over towards me, squashing me as she did so, and huffing under her breath because she couldn't face sharing precious commuter space.I am a petite lady, so never flop over the sides of my seat, but for someone poss...
More About: Money , Tax , Olympics , Olympic , Sting

ANTI-NAKED BEACH TAX PLEASE MR. BLAIR
2007-04-09 14:42:00
Yesterday afternoon I ended up in Worthing and Rustington. I walked amongst all the elderly folk and their families along the promenade. I found the beach bereft of sand, and as the shells crunched beneath my feet, I threw a stick or two for a scruffy dog. Although the sunshine smiled down upon the Easter walkers, I did notice the thicker members of the public who were lying about in the very cold wind, half-undressed on the pebbles. How common.Unlike beaches of the kind found in cheap holiday packages, I was not approached by any German men sporting thongs and showing off their frankfurters. Why is it that German chaps always tiptoe around the swimming pools in naff resorts with everything on display? They occasionally wear Speedos and top the look off with a white swimming cap, even when they are bald. The French always look lithe and elegant around the pool, and the British just look like lardy puddings with their blubbery stomachs hanging over their Speedos, while the English wo...
More About: Beach , Tax , Blair , Please , Anti

EASTER
2007-04-08 13:28:00
Thankfully, East er heralds a time of a yearly trip to Sussex. However, I'm pretty sure that other city escapees and everyone else, will be heading towards the sunny Coast, particularly since we have the first taste of summer sunshine.I have no doubt that Rustington, Worthing, Brighton, and every other seaside haunt will be spilling over with visitors wearing spaghetti strapped tops, or those in search of exposing themselves on a beach, despite that fact it's still quite cold.I guess a natural tan beats time spent sizzling in the tanning booth, but with all the health warnings, I will never understand why fashion dictates that being brown is still regarded as looking good. It doesn't look good on anyone, especially when age kicks in and dried up skin, which strains to produce youthful amounts of collagen, simply wrinkles, so that otherwise stunning faces begin to resemble the back end of a rhino. I have noted many visitors to the South of France, and particularly to Monaco, look l...
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DEALING WITH THE OFFICE BITCH
2007-04-07 21:19:00
Nothing you can say or do will deter the Office Bitch from extending her talons into every aspect of your work. Finding a new and prettier face in the office often drives these women to despair, especially if you happen to work for a favoured boss. These women come in a number of different guises. They are usually either prominent HR figures or long-suffering co-workers whose lives revolve around television sitcoms, or attending quiz evenings down at their local pub. If they happen to be fellow secretaries then watch out. They will have no regard to the fact that you temping to keep a roof over your head. Their aim might be to push you out of a potentially good job in order to take the helm themselves, or they might even be trying to push you out in order to live out their fantasy of getting naked with the boss in question. Bereft of good sex, their knickers are withering with age, and they long to throw them over the nearest desk for an illicit dalliance. Saggy and disheve...
More About: The Office , With , Deal

ECONOMICAL LEFTIES
2007-04-07 20:56:00
More at home in a domestic setting, ‘Econ omic al Left ies' love lefty political correctness and probably have a scrapbook filled with photographs of Tony Blair.Filling in forms for this and forms for that, gives them a sense of power. They wear smart, tweedy suits, sensible walking shoes and baggy tights. Their hair is often short but flicked and teased into position, and they would never wear makeup. They are workaholics and steady rocks for many bosses. Fierce and acidic, they will occasionally force a smile and ask you about your weekend. However, press the wrong button on a fax machine and they will inform senior management of a crisis in the fax room. More form filling will ensue as they write letters of inept faxing to senior management.They spend their weekends mopping the kitchen floor with Dettol and posting Labour or Liberal Party literature through front doors.Watch out for permanent P.A.s with goggle eyes, glasses and to-the-knee length skirts. If one of them happens to...

TOFFEE-NOSED BRAGGER
2007-04-07 20:50:00
Nothing makes my blood boil more than aristocratic toffs who order their P.A.s to make their tea and pick their dry-cleaning up for them. They are rude or flippant with anyone whom they consider “beneath them” and hold grudges. Simply because they have been educated at public school or have the right social credentials and riches to make them a show stopper amongst Conservative society, does not render them more able. If anything, many of these men get fabulous jobs through their connections or through their mummies and daddies, rather than through having any particularly good skills or abilities other than years spent in academia. They therefore have to discredit anyone else with ability.Often “happily married” and having an affair with a wealthy mistress, who is also usually married, they tend to present themselves as upstanding members of the community. I happened to work for one highly disrespectful man who swaggered around the office telling us how he gave his “e...
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LONDON'S OLD SCHOOL DINOSAURS
2007-04-07 20:47:00
Forever in need of doughnuts and coffee, the Old School Dino saur lurks in law, accountancy and insurance firms. Quick of mind and slow of limb, they are around sixty years old and are shirking from the idea of being pensioned off. Having spent thirty to forty years working for the same company, they are clinging on to a profession they have dedicated their lives to. Distinguished but utterly uncompromising, these men have earned their right to be belligerent. Treat these old timers with the utmost respect. When they are being as to difficult as possible, simply smile and offer to buy their piles cream. One old dinosaur I worked for would cough very loudly whenever he needed his morning coffee and afternoon tea. Failing to respond to his coughs would result in him choking and spluttering. When a man reaches a certain age, he needs to be made to feel special. Wink at as if he were Sean Connery and entreat Old Dinosaurs with compliments, flapjacks and scones. By now they will...
More About: London , Ondo , Old School

LONDON'S SLICK BOARDROOM SMOOTHIES
2007-04-07 20:44:00
Oozing charisma, the boardroom player hits the decks by 8:00 a.m. Seated in his plush office surrounded by outstanding achievement trophies and photographs of the wife or the dog – whichever he prefers sleeping with – he will be sizing up his next deal.Sporting a Hugo Boss suit, purple silk tie teamed with crisp white shirt and a generous squirt of aftershave, these men have evil-eyed stares; can garrot a guinea pig just by looking at it. I have met many city boys of this ilk. Obsessed with money, fast women, cars and deals, they will stop at nothing to obtain their goals, happily riding roughshod over anyone in the name of business. Often addicts of some kind, whether that is caffeine, drugs, nicotine, sex or all four, they miraculously appear cool and calculating in the boardroom, only to become Dracula in y-fronts when away from their office confines. Their wives are often equally ambitious and they usually meet them through their company firm or naked at a swingers part...
More About: London , Board , Ondo , Room , Smoothies

MEMORIES OF A CLOSET QUEEN
2007-04-07 15:35:00
I couldn't help but notice an old boss of mine walking past me on the Waterloo concourse this morning. He resembles Jude Law, albeit a very seedy version with more wrinkles. His very appearance filled me with dread. Years ago, I was working at a financial boutique in the city. He made lots of advances towards me, and eventually took me out for a drink. I was in my twenties, Bambi-eyed and quite enamoured by him. My world was shattered when he told me how his wife had burst into the bedroom one day to find him and another chap from the company rolling about on the bed wearing her dresses. He was visibly upset about the episode, and told me that he couldn't find it in himself to walk past Laura Ashley again. He now works for a highly prestigious organisation connected with politics. I've long suspected that most MPs are slightly confused, whether that is sexually or generally, particularly the Conservatives.A London secretary reveals her daily life in the City of London. The typin...
More About: Mori , Memories , Close , Queen , Closet

LAW, SLEAZE AND A BROKEN HEART
2007-04-07 00:13:00
I will never understand why some lawyers think that law is an "honourable profession". The bygone years of Dickens have long gone, and to me, there doesn't seem to be much honour in sitting at a desk all day huffing and puffing , and charging exhorbitant fees. Many of the lawyers I talk to admit to hating their profession, and the ones who work in corporate law readily admit to doing it for the money. The young city guys seem to have a laugh, but the married over forties lawyers seem very frustrated. They have spent most of their lives welded to a desk; they work hard, marry, have children, and then want to go wild. They tend to go bald early and fantasize about the work experience girl with the large tits. Most of them clearly aren't having enough sex, so they take to grunting orders at their poor secretaries. One of them told me he has terrible problems with his back end, so he takes his tube of arse glue and deals with his rear in the bathroom every hour or so.It's been quite ...
More About: Hear , Heart , Broken , Sleaze , Broken Heart

INTRODUCTION
2007-04-06 20:31:00
My blog aims to offer a glimpse of city life to other secretaries or anyone caught up and suffocated by corporate, city life. In diarising my experiences, I hope to offer some advice on dealing with office tyrants and politically correct rubbish emanating from “Blairite” lefty moose women, bossy HR directors and bastard bosses. They will all be revealed, and so will my bubbling recipe for office survival and corporate mischief.When dunking teabags into paper cups has become unfulfilling or the boss makes unfair demands, then it’s time to either put up and shut up or perform a wicked deed. I sincerely hope that you will choose the latter of the two options and in so doing, will find solace and joy out of dreadful office pastimes. I am particularly thinking of the poor sods who work over at the London Stock Exchange. I've heard many stories of girls crying in the toilets over some brutish man who has abused a sensitive nature.If you want to continue miserable evenings in solita...
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