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Apartment A2
2008-02-06 00:40:00
My first apartment had bumpy, uneven floors and a tick in the walls. I was living in the old apartment when she broke up with me. The second night I spent there she and I went around the apartment and had sex in every one of its rooms. This was before I?d even gotten any furniture moved in. My bed would remain on the floor where I first dropped it for the entirety of my time living there. We had sex in every room that night: mine, the closet, the living room, even my roommates room, right next to the frame of his bed, a cold painted steel frame leaning against the wall. She was on all fours and I was on my knees too, right where he?d eventually put his bed, right next to his picture of Jesus. She sat on the ledge in front of the sink in the kitchen and I fucked here there too. I was bumpy and uneven and paunchy and she was perfect, fit and slim; dark, olive skin; callous and still fragile. After she?d broken up with me it was never very easy to do dishes again, to stand in fro...

Happy Black History Month
2008-02-02 07:55:00
...from all your pals here at BSD.CML, Black Manta Historian
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Super Friends
2008-01-29 06:06:00
I found this and started missing all of my super friends. This is for you guys. Matt, I hope your trip went well. John, I'm sorry I missed you last time, but next time we'll rocket. Paul, thanks for posting again. KB, thanks for the Gatorade.CML
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William Carlos Williams
2008-01-20 18:30:00
"so much dependsupon a red wheelbarrow glazed with rainwater beside the whitechickens."Seriously... that's supposed to mean something? That's supposed to be deep and influential? I'm supposed to sit here for hours and ponder the sophisticated meaning? No, fuck that. You're not cute, William Carlos Williams . Go take your wheelbarrow shaped couplets and your chickens and learn from a real poet.
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Liberal Media Bias
2008-01-15 19:25:00
I have always stayed away from politics here, and I?m not sure why? it?s not because I?m scared of stirring up controversy or driving readers away. I don?t really care, and I?ve always spoken my mind about everything else here. Maybe it?s just the fact that politics really annoy the fuck out of me. They are exciting at times, I suppose, but only if you get to the root of the matter, not the smoke that the media and politicians are trying to blow up everybody?s ass. It?s really hard for me to care about a candidate when I don?t ever feel like I know their real views, just what they think will get them elected. I guess I can?t even blame them; honestly, it?s simply the political culture that America has fostered. But before this turns into a rant about a different subject, I?m not going to move away from ?politics, and just ramble on about ?political science?. What no one seems to get is that ?liberalism? isn?t just a political buzz word. I?m not even sure how it gained the n...
More About: Media , Media Bias , Liberal , Bias

License Plates
2008-01-10 03:54:00
I overreact about a lot of things... I don't know why. I think maybe I hate change, I think I might just be that unstable. I probably should chose my battles better, I suppose I should let the little things go, but I can't...The State of Michigan is issuing new license plates to everyone for some reason (no, I don't give a fuck what their reason is), and I just got mine in the mail. It's plain... blue characters on a white background. It says Michigan and something else, I don't know... I don't care. It's stupid. Why would they give us a license plate that looks just like Ontario's? Ontarians are the only people who even visit Michigan on a regular basis! As for the other option... with the green city/tree scape and the whatever else... it's just stupid as fuck. Don't get me started.Anyhow, the point of this all is that I'm going to miss my old blue plate with the white letters... and I'm going to miss seeing all those blue plates on the roads. To me they were ...
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Super Smash Bros. Jibberish
2008-01-06 19:32:00
Sorry posting has been so light lately. I blame Winter break, girlfriends and the fact that instead of doing any blog work Caleb and I would just sit in my basement and talk about how to build a tiny Battlestar out of Legos, which super heroes we would be if we were super heroes or play Vectorman. I promise I will finish the design changes in the next couple of days and that I'll post more now that classes are starting. But for now... This is the last part of our Super Smash Bros . feature. Caleb and I, along with Paul from Careful with that Blog, Eugene decided it would be a good idea to get into a chat and ramble on about video games, Winston Churchill and a variety of other things that I'm sure you don't want to listen to. Anyway, we thought it was funny, and while it is insanely long, you might too. These are our picks:CalebMattPaulAnd here is the insanity which took me about two hours to edit thanks to Caleb's failure to capitalize anything, Paul's excessive use of tildes ...
More About: Super Smash Bros , Mash

New Year's Promises
2007-12-30 19:33:00
Since Caleb recently went over our first year, I figured with New Year's Day coming soon, I'd share with you a couple of resolutions for BSD for the year double aught eight.First, I'd like to say that I have a few posts of substance planned and they will be coming out fairly soon (most likely after the first).In addition, we promise to give you more Star Wars, Superman and sleepy Dr. Robotnik's.There will also be more content about T.Rex, unicorns and Guy Fawkes.Lastly, I'd just like to say that BSD will be here in another year and hopefully just as good as it has been.Any suggestions, just leave us a comment or send an e-mail.
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Happy Christmas Mornings
2007-12-25 07:11:00
Here's hoping you're all have a super funk christmas morning and a golden holiday. There are one or two presents still under the tree, maybe a bb gun in the back yard, and some ham somewhere, or maybe a cooked duck, which means it must be christmas. So, to all of you who lasted through the night, merry christmas from Blast Shields Down. Now get off the computer and spend some time with somebody somewhere; and we'll see you in a few days.CML
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The Great Red Ape
2007-12-25 05:59:00
From all of us here at BSD, we'd like to wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Festivus, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, a Miserly Celebration of Capitalism and whatever else. Hope your holidays are going as good as mine.Now the Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past will tell you the story of Christmas...Robot: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed. Frylock: Well, that still doesn't tell me why you-- Robot: I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the i...
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To My Friends...
2007-12-22 16:09:00
All things have to end? All things must end, no matter how much we all would wish it otherwise, no matter how much we tear, beg and fight. The gods don?t care how much we pray or yell, we just get dragged away kicking and screaming in the end. I think that perhaps it?s that helplessness that makes it so difficult. That intense desire to just have things stay the same, for stability, but the knowledge that change in inevitable. My own impulse is always to hold on for too long, to not give up, to battle until I?m bloody and tried, until I?m lying on the floor my chest heaving for exertion and my eyes wet with tears, until I can no longer even think. It?s a noble thing to end things when you know it?s time, I doubt I ever could. I know that I would wait until it was too late. I don?t know if I even realize that it?s over until it?s too late, until things have gotten so twisted that they cannot be fixed. Sometimes I wish I could just get out earlier, sometimes I wis...
More About: Friends

Cupcake
2007-12-20 08:59:00
Blast Shields Down has made it to 100 posts. So, in honor of the event this post will have to stand as our piece of congratulatory pie, our little cupcake. It hasn?t even been a year yet and I already feel older.Matt and I would like to thank all of you who have ever read anything here on Blast Shield Down. Whether you were misdirected here looking for pornography, share our strange interest in super heroes and star wars, or were simply repeatedly given a link by Biasman or myself, thank you for reading. This post seems kind of over shadowed by the recent State of the Blog, and our oncoming anniversary, but still, here?s to BSD.Here is to 100 posts of Love and Breasts,of Monsterous Fears and Childhood Dreams,of Lex Luthors and Wilford Brimleys,of Star Ship Captains and Draculas,of Video Games and Cartoons,and giant white whales.They wouldn?t let Matt and I get hitched and have a baby, so we created BSD instead. And, I love it everyday, and I know Matt does too, like two mothers l...

Finals, Kwanzaa, and a poem
2007-12-18 09:05:00
Finals are over. Frosty the Snowman is a bitch. And there are less than two weeks until Kwanzaa .  Excited yet?To wrap this up, here is part three of the star wars content. It's a poem, which kind of breaks some unspoken BSD rules, but it's about star wars and love, and I know that at least Matt and the girl I wrote it for liked it.A Star Wars poem for Higgy:You shut down the trash compactors on my detention level.That is to say, you take my breath away.And maybe I just want to be your Bothan spy, Climbing in your AT-ST,Hoping we?ll drive home together tonight,Back to Echo Base or Yavin IV.And it makes me smile.No, I?m not saying that you are theComforts of a Tauntaun.But you do have the warmness of one.And a certain bluish glow,Like Obi-wan on Dagobah.I?ll sit and watch twin suns with you,Waiting on Tatooine.I?ll make the Kessel Run to you,In less than12 parsecs with 1.21 gigawatts.And through the haze of snow and sand storms,Or the clouds of BespinI?ll follow youLike a Tuskan R...
More About: Poem , Finals

Bowels of Mercy
2007-12-16 18:23:00
This week has been rather hectic with finals and final papers to write. While doing a research paper on Guy Fawkes Day, I came across this article in the New York Times:". . . for they are bowels of mercy . . ."
More About: Mercy

Opposable Thumbs
2007-12-12 23:12:00
Okay... this is late... really, really late, but it's finals week and, well... here you are.Once again, I was in Comp and bored out of my mind. My Prof was going over something about the next essay or something, but I couldn't bring myself to pay attention. He constantly just rambles on about the same things, sort of like I do, I suppose, but I like to think I'm more interesting. I saw the following on The Colbert Report a while ago, I have no idea when the episode aired because it was recorded on my DVR, but apparently Al Gore is cuter than Bitsy. War! According to Washington Monthly, the SEC sucks. Of course, I always knew this about the SEC and the south in general, but it?s nice to be vindicated. Score one for the Midwest! Also, The M Zone on the awesome speed and competition of SEC football. Knowing my readership, you've heard of Measure for Measure, but I certainly hadn't before I read the thing. It's not a bad play, I suppose, but not much really happens. ...

Finals Week
2007-12-08 08:47:00
It's getting around to that point again. There is a reason why Matt and I list our occupations here on BSD as "student." It's so that when finals week draws around there is an explanation for why I don't have much new to say. There is so much I want to write about this week, but I think instead I'll just fill it with star wars content. Please enjoy, and I'll see you on the light side.The Alderaanianpart 1The Boondocks:
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Mystery Inc.
2007-12-05 05:18:00
We here at BSD, have decided to take a more active role in our community. After fixing the horrible color of a blaster pistol, discovering the true nature of Grues and... well, that's about that, but it's a pretty good start, no?We've decided to take a page right out of Mystery Inc.'s book, and perhaps even steal there name, too... Anyway, if you see two strange guys wandering about in trench coats and possibly singing the theme from Ghostbusters, that'll be us.On the docket is finding Paul's stalker and the culprit who stole my Tannenbaum freshman year of High School.

Beowulf: Worst Movie Ever
2007-12-03 04:32:00
Somehow, Beowulf received a 70% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I can only assume that they are very easily distracted by shiny objects...The movie I watched was a clusterfuck of blind drunk Norsemen, zombies, blood, gore, rape and stilettos made of golden ooze. And while that sounds like a pretty kick ass movie, it wasn't, and I'm not even positive why. It wasn't the fact that they totally disregarded the epic poem the movie was supposedly based upon (they followed the plot loosely up until the fight with Grendel and then I think they might as well have been going off of A Handmaid's Tale for how well it followed form), because they totally just said screw that shit.Perhaps they were just too busy to staring at how pretty the animation was to actually write an adequate script, perhaps it was written after the writer's strike began, maybe they just figured people wouldn't care. Obviously, I'm the only one who did from the glowing reviews the movie has gotten.I'm not eve...
More About: Movie

Beowulf? more like ?Gay-owulf??
2007-11-30 09:35:00
Beowulf is very redundant movie. A very action packed, intense, thrilling, exciting, fierce, powerful movie; with one ripping, tearing, slashing, gouging talon and teeth filled scene after another. Also, the movie has Jesus in it, and golden boobs.Watching this movie was like being transported into another world, an ancient world that still had the plague and where rape ran rampant in the streets. This effect was so strong that even the movie theater was transformed into the Roman Forum for a time and ideas and opinions were voiced aloud to the public. I?m thinking of course of when the big dark man behind me lectured his young child about the science of buying pop at the multiplex and followed up with a detailed explanation of the chemistry of sugar and caffeine in relation to the size of an extra large movie-soda bucket. Or when a particularly articulate bright woman voiced her dismay over the metaphor in the film that related a goblet with a vagina. Though, I must admit, th...
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What I Learned Today
2007-11-27 07:23:00
I think it is wonderful that a children's television show has finally come along that can teach kids how to be creative, expressive, and active but also ill.The show is called Yo Gabba Gabba! and if you have not seen it I recommend that you get around to it.  I was just switching around Nick Jr. in the middle of the day and found it.  You never know what kinds of useful things your liable to learn from a man like Biz Markie and children's television in the middle of the dayAlso, as an added bonus (I mean besides the old school rap and ska theme of the show) one of the characters, Muno, looks like the end of a very friendly vibrator or of a very sick penis. But I'm not going to get into that."My name is Caleb, I like to dance!"
More About: Today , Learned

Megatron
2007-11-24 01:32:00
Calvin Johnson, wide receiver for the Detroit Lions, is nicknamed Megatron; the name of the most destructive and evil of perhaps all machines ever made; Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons, and arch-nemesis to Optimus Prime, and I don?t get it.Calvin Johnson is 6 ft 5 in, 235 lb, and un-fucking-stoppable.Megatron is essentially an AK-47 with a Gladius bayonet. Or at least he might as well be. There is nothing very admirable about this villain. He isn?t misunderstood like Lex Luthor or Darth Vader. Instead Magatron is more like the Death Star, he?s really big, made of metal, and has a giant gun. And, even though Megatron is so horrible and evil the Lions have still nicknamed one of their players after him. Why is this?Oh yeah, because he?s huge and un-fucking-stoppable. But that answer doesn?t satisfy me. First of all, HE?S A DAMN DETROIT PLAYER NOW! Why is a Detroit Lion, a motor city player, named after a Decepticon, and not an Autobot, their sworn enemies?! ...

Thanksgiving
2007-11-22 23:22:00
Well... football was watched, turkey was consumed and now I'm ready to recline and ride out this tryptophan induced hangover until I'm knocked out of it by some sort of phone call.So, Happy Thanksgiving everyone! And let's just all be thankful that Ben Franklin's proposal to make the turkey the national bird failed.
More About: Hank

State of the Blog 2
2007-11-21 02:06:00
Well, it's been almost eight months since Caleb and I started this thing, and more since this wacky idea popped into my head while I was in the shower. Despite some slow times, some bad cases of writer's block, I'm really proud of where we are at the moment. This will be our 88th post, which is sort of mind boggling when you think about it.Since I set up Google Analytics to track how many visitors we get, the numbers are as follows:Visits: 3,890Pageviews: 5,301We've had visitors from every state of the union save Alaska, Arkansas, Montana and New Mexico as well as from every continent (save Antarctica).Anyway, on Caleb's behalf, I would just like to say thank you to everyone that has ever stopped by, and especially to those who actually brave the weirdness to visit on a regular basis. You have no idea how much it means to both of us.Speaking of which, we really appreciate all of your comments, but it'd be nice if you gave us some sort of name (even if it's fake), it's nic...
More About: Blog , State

Revisited
2007-11-20 00:30:00
Today I found a porno-magazine in the middle of the road. It was all alone on the asphalt. The pages were turning one over another, back and forth, exposing young girls and their breasts and asses and more. When my bike tire rolled over the magazine I thought I heard the crunching of dry leaves but as I looked down I saw her. I saw her two legs, pinned down by me now, spread eagled underneath the rubber of my tire. Held there, her legs disjointed, her smile gazing up at me, wet and pink, spread wide across her youthful face. She is clean and pristine and nice but undeniably dirty and corrupted on the page. She looked happy to me. She looks happy to me still. She looked ready to make someone else happy too. ?This girl is a giver,? I thought. ?Someone who really understands the meaning of altruism. A real tart of empathy.?Suddenly, I?m passed it and before anything can register I?m hearing the leaves rustling again, pages turning quickly, full of nature and instincts and c...

The Cave
2007-11-20 00:26:00
Humans are the most messed up creatures on earth. I wish that meant more than it does, because the only reply to that statement is ?no shit?, but hear me out? I just can?t imagine that any other intelligent being could be as stupid and emotional as we all are. We don?t understand one another and we don?t understand ourselves. We? ha? you all know that I?m just talking about myself. Not that projecting this aspect of me onto the rest of humanity is incorrect, I?m sure it?s right, but this is personal. We?re all fucked up, we?re all just chaotic jumbles of emotion staggering about in the dark and knocking into one another. We don?t know what we?re doing, we have no clue where we?re going, but we sure as hell aren?t going to admit that to anyone. We try to form rules for this existence, to make guidelines for how to form relationships and who to form them with. We try to artificially construct rules for responding to one another, but it doesn?t work. It?s all fake,...
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Cookies
2007-11-18 02:06:00
If only everything could be so simple... I need this after today.
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Mech Mess
2007-11-15 05:29:00
It says so much about mankind as a group when you consider that we achieved the nuclear bomb before we achieved space travel. Our ability to create and execute new and exciting ways of killing one another is a characteristic unique to us and sure to go down in history as one of our great strengths, if not the greatest. Any way you look at it, our power of destruction is sure to by far out live us and be one of our longest lived marks on the face of the planet. Shakespeare jested that the man who builds the strongest vessel is not the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter, but the gravedigger. Carl Sagan just as poetically faced the absurdity of human destruction when he described the tens of thousands of nuclear weapons held by today?s civilized nations as ?Genies of death, patiently awaiting the rubbing of the lamps,? power enough for ?a world war II every second, for the length of a lazy afternoon.? With this great realization and promise of man?s ever more powerfully dev...
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Stare into the Abyss
2007-11-14 01:11:00
There is nothing worse than reaching out desperately for someone to take your hand and pull you from the abyss, only to watch them stare back at you in confusion. Worse even than them looking down at you in derision, or callous indifference. To know that it?s not that they don?t want to help you, but that they cannot. How could they when you don?t even know what you?re searching for yourself? You?re just Holden wandering through the wintry streets of New York, faking a gunshot wound in a bathroom, running about with that goofy ass hat on. I want that hat. And the most fucked up thing is that I want to be Holden. I know I care too much, worry too much, analyze too much, think too much. I pace, fret and wonder about everything until I can?t do it anymore. But, I want that. Giving in would be too easy, being content would just feel like giving in. Feel like settling. It?s not that I?m unhappy, far from it really. That?s not to say that I?m never upset, but ge...
More About: Abyss

Zork
2007-11-12 02:04:00
When I was a kid, I bought some sort of PC game magazine that normally came with a CD of demo games. I really have no idea what magazine it was anymore, but the issue I happened to pick up contained a CD not of demos, but full games from I don?t know how many years ago. I spent hours upon hours playing Red Baron, Wolfenstein, etc, etc? and of course Zork. The CD came with Zork I, II, and III, though I only ever really played the first one much. I figured I should beat that before going on to the sequels. While, I never got nearly that far, I did have my only experience with text based games, which apparently people played back before graphics or something like that? Let me just say, it was a weird game and probably not something most of you want to play, but it was kinda cool in its own way. Just a black screen with white text and muddling through it without any knowledge of what were commands and what weren?t. There was a forest and some sort of house with a mailbox? an...

Street Car named NORAD
2007-11-09 19:57:00
Bus Drivers have got to be some of the scariest people on the road. Strike that, on the earth.Giving a bus driver a bus is like giving someone a scud missile to ride around on all day.I?m honestly scared for my life. It is insane the people they give these jobs to as it is. Have you ever met a bus driver? What do they have to lose?! And then we stick them with annoying kids and lost old people and incorrect change and we sit at the back and forget our stop and tug on the emergency stop rope till they crack. And it isn?t like these people aren?t already wound tight. You try being on a schedule that stiff all day, every day. Giving anyone a bus-driver-license is like hiring someone who is on suicide watch to work the night shift at NORAD. You?re just asking for trouble. I?ve seen the Die Hard movies. I?ve watched Speed and Sword Fish, I know just what a bus can do. Nothing stops a bus; not buildings, not people, not even other scud missiles or other busses or bombs. I don?...
More About: Street , Norad