Schmutzie's Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come Schmutzie's Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come Schmutzie is the thirty-something writer, photographer, and designer of Milkmoney or Not, a personal weblog that has been running since August 2003. Articles
50x365 #259: Dolores R.
2008-06-06 21:05:00 You were a small spot of calm and reason in a chaotic environment. When I visited you at your desk, you were always such a great supporter of the changes that were happening in my life. By your acknowledgement of me, you gave me permission to step into my life.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Dolores
Buy This Book
2008-06-06 04:42:00 I bought Let's Learn How to Help Ourselves and Others, which was written by Odette Umurerwa and illustrated by Jen Lemen. Jen addressed the envelope, in what has become her trademark manner, to "The amazing Schmutzie". I have ordered a few things from her Etsy shop, and I am absolutely going to continue buying whatever she has to sell, because my ego loves it when I get mail that tells me I am amazing.Let's Learn How to Help Ourselves and Others is the story of Odette and her brother, Innocent, when they were refugees in Uganda. The children where they were had very little and could not even afford to go to school, so Odette and her brother, at the young ages of seven and nine, decided to start a cooperative with the other children. They shared what chickens they had, sold the eggs at market, and then the children pooled the money amongst themselves so that they could buy things like clothing and pencils and afford to go to school.I had the desire to share the book right from ... More About: Book
50x365 #258: K. L.
2008-06-05 21:53:00 Your alcoholism coupled with bipolar disorder was tragic. You would go from zero to spontaneous smash poet /angry man looking for an argument / wet mess of suicidal sorrow within an hour, making a mockery of your friendships. You went to Alcoholics Anonymous and dried out. I hope you're still there.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
Awards!
2008-06-05 00:17:00 I have been favoured with TWO awards. I am a rock star today.The first award was given to me for being voted the most favourite quote in March. The quote is about an incident that was embarrassing at the time, but I can live with that if glue accidents can make you famous:"... I glued myself to a tacky Christmas ornament at work in July and spent two hours trying to help customers without letting on that my right-handed self had a ceramic puppy driving a choo-choo train glued to her right hand."Thanks, Blogtations!This second award was bestowed upon me by Average Jane, and it originated from Emila's Illustrated Blog.The participation rules are simple:1. If you have received this award, write a post with links to all the blogs that you love.2. Link to Emila's original award post so that others can easily find the source of the award.This one's easy. Go to my blogroll and visit everyone there twice. So, everyone on my blogroll, grab that badge and love some people up.Thanks, ... More About: Awards
50x365 #257: Jan C.
2008-06-04 19:59:00 Are you dating anyone, she asked.Yes.Have you slept with him?No. I was startled. I?d just met her.Why not? Don?t you like him?Yeah.Then sleep with him. You should do it tonight.Tonight?Report back to me and let me know if it was any good.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
I Has A Mosaic
2008-06-04 04:13:00 The concept:1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab's Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.The questions:1. What is your first name?2. What is your favorite food? right now?3. What high school did you go to?4. What is your favorite color?5. Who is your celebrity crush?6. What is your favourite drink?7. What is your dream vacation?8. What is your favourite dessert?9. What do you want to be when you grow up?10. What do you love most in life?11. What is one word that describes you?12. What is your flickr name?(via Ice Cream Is Nice Cream)contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
50x365 #256: Wendy S.
2008-06-03 19:55:00 You seemed like the quintessence of the stereotypical suburban girl: you were blonde, petite, smart, and took ballet classes. In late high school, you slit your wrists, and no one knew what to say about it. You had always been such a placid pool of perfection. Maybe that was it.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Wendy
50x365 #255: Laverne
2008-06-03 06:03:00 You wore shirts that had snap buttons with pockets that smelled of tobacco and ball caps that were always pulled down just right in the sun. Those two things made me feel like home, but it was when we sang "Sipping Soda" together that I felt as though I shone.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
The First Honestly Beautiful Saturday Afternoon In 2008 In Pictures
2008-06-02 18:57:00 One of these things is not like the other.That_Girl rocks the hotness.In an alternate universe,she is a six-year-old kid at the pool.This is his alternate universe.La femme fatale is felt up from a distance. No tiny bicycles were swallowedby butts in the making of these photos.She is a cute-ay patoot-ay.The Palinode blows bubbles. He is also a cute-ay patoot-ay.He impersonates a mad scientist/swimmer/six-year-oldwith hypertrichosis.Yes, looking at ketchup can be a religious experience,especially when you've been drinking in the hot sun. I think my camera is in love with her.And her. Wes Bentley is here doing a movie. He sat with us throughthe afternoon and bought a round of beer. I pretendednot to be the loser taking photographic proof.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Pictures , Beautiful , Saturday , Afternoon , 2008
50x365 #254: Fiorella
2008-06-01 20:21:00 She thinks she's dead.What? I asked.Yeah. She believes she's dead.All I saw was your goth aesthetic. My friend wasn't terribly bright.That'd make her a zombie, I said.No, more like a vampire.I decided that I would meet you, because undead was more interesting than stupid.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
50x365 #253: L. B.
2008-05-31 20:17:00 You were awkward, but your humour and sweetness won out for me, as did your strawberry hair, dusting of freckles, and champagne negligee. One night, I touched your shoulder while we were studying and nearly threw up. I would have done anything to touch you and get away with it.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
Snack Food: Tastes Great, Makes You Fat
2008-05-30 23:07:00 I had my first physical exam recently since my hysterectomy last summer. I did not mention the exam here before I went, even though I was worrying about it, because, eventually, some law-of-attraction stuff would have crawled into my comments and e-mail inbox to tell me to think positively lest I attract cancer to myself.At first, the Law of Attraction thing sounds wonderful. It sounds like an empowering idea and one with which I do not completely disagree. I am no expert, so excuse me if I get this a bit wrong, but I am given to understand that the main tenet goes something like this: "You get what you think about, whether wanted or unwanted. The Law of Attraction is neutral".Under this law, we are all walking magnets attracting things into our lives, both good and bad. On the surface, when I am told that I have the power to attract the good and possibly lessen my chance of having the cancer return, that sounds great, but when you dig deeper, that same seemingly encouraging mess... More About: Food , Great , Snack
50x365 #252: Warren
2008-05-30 20:03:00 You and your twin brother were mean, aggressive, and loud, so I don?t know what made Jody and I decide to sneak onto your jungle gym. When you caught us, you dragged me off and punched me in the back of the head while screaming Trespassers get beat up, trespassers!I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Warren
Where The Poems Come From
2008-05-30 06:21:00 One of the more difficult things I find these days is to write. I am drinking coffee and beer simultaneously, throwing wrenches in either direction, trying to pull things one way or the other. Someone told me once that vegetables were a much better way to go, but I find that they work for regularity of a different sort.I am listening to Bonnie Prince Billy's "I Gave You" on repeat. It puts my head inside a poem that almost writes itself in small outbreaks if I don't watch it too closely, but I have the habit of watching what I write.Bonnie Prince Billy: "I Gave You"It is as though there are almost words, which is to say that there is almost a concrete thought, which is to say that my mind is wandering through the trenches. Do people still fight from trenches? I think my brain was salvaged from a purveyor of second-hand war paraphernalia.I used to wear army boots and jackets and shirts with the last names of soldiers permanent-markered inside them in capital letters, and I wou... More About: Poems
50x365 #251: Brenda
2008-05-29 22:26:00 I looked up to you. I marvelled at your individuality and genuineness, and I wanted your chutzpah and brains. At graduation when you saw me cry, you told me you had always looked up to me because I was so strong and that it was strange to see me so vulnerable.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Brenda
Onion's Got A Hidey-Hole
2008-05-29 05:22:00 That cat to the left is Onion. He is approximately just over two years old, revels in being molested with kisses, and is fifteen pounds of fairly stupid.There is not a thing he does that he ever figured out on his own. If we did not already have another cat, Oskar, when we brought Onion home from the pound, he would now be the most foul-smelling cat unable to figure out how push a door open with his head. (He still doesn't know that he can push unlatched doors open with his head and instead stands patiently while looking at you with one eye peering around the edge of the door). Until Oskar schooled him in the true uses of his tongue, Onion was quite content to lick the entire bottom foot of our kitchen while leaving his own body to develop a distinctive stench. We had a very clean oven door back then and one stank-ass cat.Now, thanks to Oskar, we have a clean-smelling Onion, but it has been a trade-off, because Onion has picked up a few other things from Oskar, like how to ope... More About: Hole
50x365 #250: Preetham
2008-05-28 21:27:00 I saw you sitting on a bench at recess looking sad, and I felt compelled to talk to you. You were a fan of Bryan Adams; I hated Bryan Adams. You were Hindu; I was Christian. You were in the eighth grade; I was in seventh. We became fast friends.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
Too Much Information About My Doctor's Appointment
2008-05-28 00:24:00 I went for my six-month post-hysterectomy gynecological exam this morning ten months after my surgery. Oops! My bad. The lateness of my exam is due to a few reasons, most of which boil down to one: it turns out that every doctor I have had since that first one found my abnormal cervical cells back in September 2006 has divulged as little information as possible, especially when asked direct questions, even if it is something as simple as who you are supposed to make appointments with and when after having your fucking cancer carved out.*ahem*I was terrified to go to this appointment today, because my recent history with medicine has taught me to hate it. I used to worry about having swollen tonsils or a yeast infection, but now I worry about cancer and death. As a result, I forgot to breathe during the entire cab ride to the doctor's office and was intoxicated from oxygen deprivation when I walked up to the receptionist's desk. When she asked for my name, I insisted that my ... More About: Information , Too Much Information
50x365 #249: Dara
2008-05-27 23:11:00 You were a miniature Sandra Bernhard, all skinny and mouth and red hair and attitude but eleven and intolerable. I was a late bloomer, so most girls my age turned into big, freaky drama queens I couldn't get. It was probably more me than you that we didn't get along.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
To A Wedding We Did Go
2008-05-27 07:36:00 We went to a wedding yesterday, and it only took us a forty-five minute taxi ride across town and back and a blood pressure raising fare to get there late. We ended up watching the wedding from the door when we walked in during the middle of the ceremony. Thanks Google Maps! The meter was soaring up to some ridiculous dollar amount when the cabbie finally turned it off out of pity. No one needs to spend fifty dollars on a Sunday to not go to a wedding that Google Maps said was twenty-three dollars in the wrong direction.The last half of the ceremony was lovely, as was the food, the venue, the cake topper pictured above, and the other guests. The place was filled with babies, though. It was rife with them, which meant that I ended up with drool on my hands and cupcake mashed into the knees of my pants. I felt like a big weird freak for a little while there and spent some time eating compulsively with my butt parked in a corner, because all these women were talking about their b... More About: Wedding
50x365 #248: Shannon
2008-05-27 01:03:00 You were declared legally blind when we were in grade two, and the school ordered this device that magnified your books and schoolwork on a television screen. We put our hands under the lens, and you were surprised by all the lines on your palms. You'd never seen them before.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Shannon
50x365 #247: Tracey
2008-05-26 01:00:00 When we decorated Christmas balls in girls' club, yours ended up covered in glue and jagged triangles of black felt. It's a vampire! you said. At Easter, you painted a pooping cow on your egg. We were afraid what you'd do in cooking class, but, thankfully, you skipped that year.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Tracey
50x365 #246: Jody F.
2008-05-25 05:46:00 We dressed up in your parents' old clothing, put on musty wigs, and rang my parents' doorbell. We were impersonating my grandparents. In the photograph my mother took that afternoon, you are grinning wide beneath a red rag of synthetic hair, and I am squinting beneath grey into the sun.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Jody
More With The Cats. I Can't Help Myself.
2008-05-24 01:35:00 This was the first instance in which Onion and Oskar,the two adult males on the right, were able to get within striking rangeof the new kitten without her attempting to hiss them to death.From her original starved state, she has already filled out a bit. It's arelief, because when she first landed in our apartment, her hip bones stuck out.And this is the evidence of what is to come. One day the little runt will grow up like this Oskar here, and she'll shed kitty litter from dirty feet on our books, too. Ain't cats sweet.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Cats
50x365 #245: James
2008-05-23 23:17:00 I wanted to be your friend, because you were more intelligent than most of the dorks I knew, but you always looked past me at other girls and talked about them rather than to me. I didn?t want to date, so your insistence on distance was a far deeper hurt.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: James
50x365 #244: Deanna G.
2008-05-23 07:35:00 You took tap dancing lessons, and once during our brief friendship, you took me to the dance studio to watch your class. Instead, I sat in the dark hallway lined with plush red carpet and velvet-patterned wallpaper listening to the muffled chorus of shoes through doors to different rooms.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
Your To-Do List
2008-05-23 01:54:00 1. Check out Five Star Friday.2. Let it remind of that really good weblog entry you read that one time.3. Submit that weblog entry before midnight Central Standard Time for tomorrow's edition of Five Star Friday.4. Pat yourself on the back for contributing to the important dissemination of good weblog writing on the internet.5. Accept my mildly inappropriate tongue kisses in exchange for your good taste.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: List
New Kitten Eats Human Brain
2008-05-21 20:02:00 (a web comic from xkcd via Lauren)That Girl: I like my new tan.Schmutzie: For a fake tan, it's turned out pretty nice.That Girl: I just don't know about putting all these chemicals on my skin.Schmutzie: Do you worry about that?That Girl: [shrugs] I'd probably still use it if it was made of baby seals.Schmutzie: Which brings us back to my new kitten!That Girl: [blinks] How does that work?Schmutzie: Well, you said something about seals, and then I thought about the noises they make, which made me remember how the new kitten sounds when she growls while chewing on her food.That Girl: [blinks]Schmutzie: If the other cats come too close, she goes OM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM, but like a really growly Cookie Monster.That Girl: [blinks]Schmutzie: [growling] OM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM.That Girl: Uh-huh. You're in love with her, aren't you?Schmutzie: Yeah.That Girl: I'm just going to go back to my desk now.Schmutzie: [growling] OM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM. [inhale] OM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM.That Girl: ... More About: Human , Brain , Kitten , Human Brain
50x365 #243: Scott
2008-05-21 19:04:00 I apologize for using you months ago, you said.Wait. I used you, I countered.No, I used you, and I?m sorry. I followed you home. I coerced you. Remember? No, I took advantage of you. I?m sorry. Fine, then. I forgive you. Sheesh. Women aren?t always victims, you know.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search More About: Scott
The Skinny Kitten Story (In Which I Am Both A Liar And A Kitten Thief)
More articles from this author:2008-05-21 06:02:00 The above photograph was taken on Wednesday night. There is an awfully skinny, freaked out rag of a kitten inside that pet carrier, and the other two cats (Onion on the left and Oskar on the right) are simply awfully freaked out.I do not know exactly why, but the story behind how that skinny kitten came to be shoved into a pet carrier in my living room is one I am uncomfortable telling, which, really, if you look back at my recent story about my vibrator, which was written at my parents'-in-law house *, does not intuitively make sense. Of course, I owned the object in question in the vibrator story, but I do/did not own the object in question in the skinny kitten story.Let's get one thing clear before I go on. I feel that I must confess to the climax of the story before the lead-up, which is really going to kill all of the suspense, but so be it.A couple of friends and I stole the cat. To be honest, it was not solely my idea, but when faced with leaving a shivering kitten with... More About: Story , Skinny , Liar , Kitten , Thief 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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