Schmutzie's Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come

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50x365 #242: Jason K.
2008-05-21 05:37:00
You were a couple of years older than me, so we had a teasing but distant friendship as neighbours. One afternoon, a friend and I were teasing you, but when I straddled you to pin you down, we were both awkwardly aware that we weren't the children we once were.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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We Give Each Other Permission
2008-05-21 03:24:00
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MUTO: A Wall-Painted Animation By BLU
2008-05-20 05:16:00
This video is worth every seven-and-a-half minutes of itself.(via TheNew30)contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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50x365 #241: Charlotte
2008-05-19 20:28:00
I heard your name somewhere across the makeshift warehouse and knew immediately somehow, out of all the Charlotte s in the world, that you were the one who?d been friends with my aunt years ago. I was five the last time we?d met, but it felt like we were old friends.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

Not So Good Vibrations
2008-05-19 00:55:00
The Palinode and I wake up in bed and rub our eyes.I look over at the Palinode.Schmutzie: Hon, you look terrible.Palinode: I feel horrible. I didn't sleep much last night.Schmutzie: How come?Palinode: It was really weird. The building kept vibrating off and on.Schmutzie: Really? The building was vibrating? Huh. That's weird, because I slept well all night.Palinode: Yeah. I thought the upstairs neighbours might have some kind of machine running, but the vibrating only happened once in a while, so I can't figure out how the building kept vibrating like that.The Palinode gets up to go to the bathroom.Schmutzie moves to sit up and realizesthat she is lying on top of something.She pulls a vibrator out from under the coversand slides it into the drawer in her night table.Schmutzie: [calling down the hall] Strange. I can't imagine what caused the building to vibrate.What I cannot figure out is how I managed to sleep through the night when my right butt cheek kept dialling ...
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50x365 #240: Christie B.
2008-05-19 00:53:00
When the other popular girls you hung with were mean and gossipy, you didn?t seem to notice. You still spoke to me, waved at me, and even walked with me from school once. I knew we?d never be great friends, but your attention meant everything to my broken, fourteen-year-old heart.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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50x365 #239: A.
2008-05-18 03:32:00
You were enlisted into the Russian army, faked psychological instability to get out of it, palmed your medication in the mental hospital where patients were potato farm labourers, escaped on foot, nearly died of mushroom poisoning, and spent time in a Buddhist monastery to avoid the mob. You were something.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

Watch The Wobblies
2008-05-16 23:44:00
I am swamped with work and readying to leave town for the weekend, so I cannot share pictures and stories with you about the kitten a couple of friends and I kidnapped from a drunken mess who was trying to sell her for beer money the other night, and now we have another kitten.Have I got your attention?Isn?t this a little like I am walking out on you in the middle of hot sex?Sorry about that. Now go watch some very wobbly models.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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50x365 #238: Rachel
2008-05-16 21:36:00
I was so busy being morose that I had no time for your incessant cheerfulness. It just about cost you your life. Eventually, your fucking cheer went viral, and then I felt bad about destroying your Christmas Music on the Zither cassette tape. And farting on your pillow. Damn you.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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The 6th Edition Of Five Star Friday
2008-05-16 08:31:00
The 6th edition of Five Star Friday is out.It's that other thing I do.You should go take a look.Thank you. That is all.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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Glad: It's What's For Thursday
2008-05-15 21:33:00
In order to counteract yesterday's "Bitter: It's What's For Wednesday", I thought I should make a list of 29 things that I like.I like:the new kitten we now have since last night after a couple of friends and I kidnapped it from a guy who was trying to sell it for beer money. I am shooting for the names Doris or Lloyd, because the Palinode's suggestion of Beef Texan just doesn't fly with me.hot coffee with hazelnut flavoured cream.turquoise Post-its.remembering that orange grove in California that we stopped at when I was eight and the tiny, orange kitten that tried to come away with us in our station wagon.the following horrible slang term for women's breasts: sweater meat.Maidenform brassieres.watching gophers stuff their faces with tufts of grass with which to make their underground nests.how the strong smell of Compound W makes my apartment smell temporarily like a factory. Vive le prolétariat!the kind of wind that flattens the treetops but does not touch the ground...
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50x365 #237: Michael W.
2008-05-15 19:12:00
You were a handsome kid whose silence was loud with what you would not say. I was not surprised to hear that you?ve been in and out of prison. After all, you did shoot me with a potato gun and leave me lying in the street with a twisted leg.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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Bitter: It?s What?s For Wednesday
2008-05-14 23:12:00
I dislike:(Take a deep breath.)when people call Tim Horton?s ?Timmy?s?.ball caps on people who are not presently playing baseball/softball.super fine pens that make it feel like you are scratching through the paper.when my one cat has his poo face sticking out of the litter box as soon as I walk through the apartment door. Presents!knee socks that only come halfway up my calves.hearing people say the word piquant.deadlines.when people spray floral air freshener in the bathroom at work so that it smells like a bouquet of poop and roses.aspartame.silk plants.sitcoms on television that rely almost solely on gender stereotyping a married couple made up of fatty (the husband) and hottie (the wife).the creepy little packets of oil that come with some variations of ramen noodles.when the edge of the yolk in my boiled egg is grey.working in a windowless environment on such a gorgeous day.choking on the uncoated muscle relaxant pills I bought.the smell of mothballs.how the styrofoam that ca...
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50x365 #236: Joe
2008-05-14 19:21:00
You said you left teaching because you wanted more from life, but I think it was to avoid a nervous breakdown. You watered and dusted plants with a zeal that confounded the most passionate of your co-workers. It?s all about the milk, you told me. It makes the plants shine.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

50x365 #235: A.
2008-05-13 23:52:00
It was weird when you kept looking at me too long, and you played deaf every time I mentioned the Palinode, and you kept my scarf for its smell, but it was the poem you wrote to me sealed in beeswax calling me your beehive that truly did you in.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

Six Quirky Things Meme
2008-05-12 23:45:00
Paige Jennifer from Life Goes On, I Think has tagged me for a meme.It goes something like this: link to the person who tagged you (done), post the rules (almost done), write a list of six quirky things about yourself (keep reading below), tag six people to do this meme with links to their weblogs (perhaps), and then, if you are me, you can leave off some stuff, because you are lazy and you can't stop pulling at that spot where the seam of you pants is trying to eat your crotch hair. I swear these pants have teeth.Six Quirky Things About SchmutzieA lot of you know this already, but maybe it bears repeating: I cut my own hair. It was driving me nuts to have to shell out so much money to hairdressers who insisted on trying to "feminize" my haircuts and would not go short enough for my liking. They could not seem to deal with my request that they "go at it like a weed whacker".One trip to the mall and a pair of clippers that were cheaper than a single haircut later, and I can afford...
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50x365 #234: Christine G.
2008-05-12 23:44:00
I dropped by your apartment to find a friend. The friend was not there, but you kept me to tell me all about your fruit flies while you hefted first one breast and then the other breast with your forearms. I was mesmerized by your nipples shifting beneath your t-shirt.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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Searching For The Underbelly
2008-05-12 01:40:00
It is Mothers' Day today. And it is tragic. It is confusing. It is melancholic and anxious. There is some relief mixed up in there, a little hope, and a lot of wishing.One year ago today, I announced that I had cervical cancer.All these emotions are here somewhere, but I am not truly feeling them. I am taking muscle relaxants and listening to CocoRosie and wondering why I cannot turn any of these anniversaries over to see what they mean. It is as though they have no underbellies.What does it mean to be told you have cancer? What does it mean to go through invasive examinations and day surgeries to see just how bad it is and then a hysterectomy at thirty-five? What does it mean if you have always resented this female body? What does it mean when you more or less made the decision not to have children but had that power taken from you, and now you feel even less visible as a cultural sub-class? What does it mean that I do not feel like the person I was before this, but that the diffe...
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50x365 #233: Bernadette
2008-05-11 23:19:00
You spoke to me like a grownup, asked me questions to which you wanted to know the answers, and collapsed with laughter at my sense of humour. I was unused to that kind of attention. It made my twelve-year-old self feel strong and large and intelligent. Thank you.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

Tipping Point? Even Keel?
2008-05-11 07:08:00
I'm not sure what it is. I am either okay with the present state of things in my life, or I am on the verge of collapse. It could be one or the other.It could be neither and instead be nestled somewhere in that infinite array of greys between extremes. I'm not good with the shades of grey, though. I seem to prefer throwing myself out onto one ledge or the other.I suppose that I could just stop thinking about which it is and go on with getting myself cups of coffee and meeting work deadlines and knitting the partners to the lonely, single arm warmers I've created, but that would be dull. It feels like waiting without knowing that there's anything to wait for.It might just be I that am less than dynamic lately.Maybe that's it. Maybe I am standing at the midpoint on a seesaw, waiting to see which way I'll tip.I could never do that as a child. Stand at the midpoint on a seesaw, that is. Other kids did it, and they'd balance for awhile like they were surfing before making the b...
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50x365 #232: Mandolin
2008-05-10 22:05:00
I wanted to like you, because my brother was crazy about you, but after you picked fights for attention, lied to my mother, laughed openly about my brother's morals, and confessed you'd lied to him about how many others you'd slept with, I gave up. You were one sneaky bitch.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

50x365 #231: Calvin
2008-05-09 22:37:00
I sat in the back of your stripped-down van smoking hand-rolled cigarettes in the dark while you made several stops around the city to unload your merchandise. It was all I could do after sampling it. The swirling in the dark held me against the cold metal like a mother.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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Nerd Nerd Nerd Fame Nerd Nerd
2008-05-09 05:17:00
Before I get into this post, may I just wave a big hello to the drug store post office guy I spoke to yesterday. Hello Post Office Guy! Take no offense at what you are about to read!Yesterday was Wednesday, which meant that, if I mailed a card by the end of the day at the post office, my mother might just get her Mother's Day card on Friday, which meant that I might not get a replay of how all of her friends' children had sent them cards, called them, made them supper, taken them out to dinner, and had otherwise been attentive children, but, oh no, not that this reflects on you, dear.If you did not notice, that was not a real sentence. Continue not to notice that. Thank you.Not to say that I would not acknowledge my mother on Mother's Day, which Hallmark has made such a great day for spending and guilt by absentia, but I am not all that good with remembering these sorts of things. I am hard-pressed to remember the Palinode's birthday, Canada Day, or my paternal grandfather'...
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50x365 #230: Emily
2008-05-08 18:35:00
You pulled me away to talk. You had so many questions. How do you know you who you are? Is it love if it hurts? If you like all genders, how do you recognize love? Will I be okay? We held hands and smoked while you shook like a child.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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50x365 #229: Tricia D.
2008-05-07 21:27:00
We didn?t play together often, because you always tried to feed me raw wieners and soda water, but I felt so sad when your father drove over your little dog with his semi truck. Nothing was left but a smear of blood and fur, and you hated him for weeks.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

Five Creepy Commercials
2008-05-07 04:47:00
Kool-Aid: Witness the disturbing, hive-mind feel of children whistling for a drink.Noxzema Shaving Cream: I can't tell if this woman has an IQ of 40 or if she wants to eat his face later.McDonalds: Ronald McDonald is introduced as America's hamburger-eating-est clown.Kinder Surprise: Chockadoobie!Eastern Airlines/Walt Disney World: Disney characters are cold and distant during one little girl's seeming nightmare.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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50x365 #228: Xander
2008-05-06 20:25:00
Your mother brought you to work occasionally, and you were so sweet. You?d help her decorate the store or burrow into the bin filled with packing peanuts. One time, you popped up at me out the bin and yelled One! Two! Xander! I just about ate your pink little nose.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search

A List Of Complaints, Oh Sigh
2008-05-06 05:31:00
I am always hungry,but when I eat, even if it is just a little bit,I feel uncomfortably full,and my belly distends.There is this headache, too,and sometimes it is so shrillthat I become dizzy and exhausted,but most of the time it is dull and distant,somewhere indistinct.The wart on my foot defies all treatment,and so does this seemingly permanent zit on my chin.I am so thirsty,and chilly water is nearly like dessert,except then I have to pee,which I find to be an annoyingly endless game of action and consequence.I have popcorn husks stuck in my teethfrom a bowl of popcorn,which was unsatisfying to eatdue to its healthful lack of enough butter.The alarm clock's not gentle,but then neither are dreams of loss, losing, and departure.The warm weather is late, summer is short,and winter is a bitter exercise in remembering to breathe.The cirrus clouds were ugly today,like old Halloween cobwebs with no will.Not even the birds would go near them,or maybe it was the unpredictable gusts of wi...
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50x365 #227: Anita
2008-05-05 17:50:00
I watched you through a window across the street for weeks, fascinated by your skin, your gentleness, the smell on your clothes. I?m sorry I left the way I did. You?ve since become a man, and part of me is left with you out there where you have another name.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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Things To Point Out
2008-05-05 02:25:00
It's already been up there for almost a week, but it hit me today that most of you never visit my actual site and instead prefer to read the text removed from its context within the fabulous template, which is of my own creation, so I thought I would write a terrificly long sentence to tell you that you should come to my actual website and take a look at this month's masthead. It is raining, but my birdies? They are so happy.Also, I have this new link right up there under the masthead that leads to the Suggestion Box. You might find me self-flagellating and tearing my hair out (what is long enough to grab a hold of) later when some twits decide it will be all funny to suggest I eat more cock or do something more important with my life like save the Arctic's Layson Albatross from their own stupid habit of getting killed by things while sleeping in mid-flight.The purpose of the Suggestion Box, though, is to find out what you want to know about or what you want to know more about...
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