Schmutzie's Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come

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50x365 #226: Douglas
2008-05-04 23:07:00
You drove us up through the Costa Rican mountains to the modest home of coffee pickers who served us gasolina with homemade fruit juice and nodded at our poor Spanish. When we left, the sky was awash with constellations undifferentiated from the houselights sparkling in the blackness of the mountainsides.I am a participant in x365.contact | suggestion box | archives | best of | search
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50x365 #225: D'Arcy
2008-05-04 01:33:00
We all wrongly assumed you were both gentle and homosexual, judging by your soft voice and flappy hand movements, but you confided that you and your wife divorced over your cocaine addiction, alcoholism, physical and psychological abuse, and especially that time you ripped all the cupboards off the kitchen wall.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

I Am So Smrt
2008-05-02 23:02:00
When I ordered a deli sandwich for lunch, I asked for all the stuff I don't like on my sandwiches except for mustard, which I do like. I even thought wow, this sandwich sucks while the person was making it, but it never occurred to me that I should in any way change my order. Disassociate much?Now I am picking chunks of low-grade corned beef out of my teeth and wondering why I didn't go for the soup.I have readjusted all the settings at my desk at work so that positions of both my chair and keyboard stand are different. I spent most of the morning with my knees pressed firmly against part of the keyboard stand's undercarriage, and as a result, the knees of my trousers are shiny. Now it looks like, well, uhm, let's just say it look like I spend a lot of time on my knees.I don't feel like talking about fellatio today.If you use the end of your retractable pen to scratch the itch between your boobs, make sure that it is indeed retracted, especially if you are wearing a low-cut...

50x365 #224: Clarke
2008-05-02 20:48:00
We three came to your house to shoot a film scene. While we lay about in your garden, arranged seashells, smoked beedies, and watched the light, you regarded me warily, your dark eyes unreadable behind your heavy beard. Still, you offered me dandelion wine at dusk, so there was that.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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50x365 #223: J. Z.
2008-05-02 06:52:00
I think I'm still drunk from partying last night, you said as we walked to class.What? Aren't you pregnant? I asked.Five months, you said. My baby's probably still drunk, too.Later, when I saw him staring listlessly at a lamp, I felt guilty that I didn't do something.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

50x365 #222: Erin B.
2008-05-01 06:40:00
You were an overweight only child whose parents were divorced; I was thin with two brothers and parents who were happily married. Our friendship ended suddenly and dramatically when you became jealous, threatened to beat me up, and let no one talk to me for the rest of the year.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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Self-Pimpage (or Five Star Friday's Call For Submissions)
2008-04-30 23:01:00
I am cross-posting the Five Star Friday call for submissions for its fourth edition, because I figure that the site is still early enough in its infancy to warrant the extra pimpage. Plus, it is my site, and I love it to pieces and want everyone else to love it to pieces, but only figuratively, because it's much nicer intact than floating around at the bottom of the computer screen like a deflated game of Tetris.Do people still play Tetris? Or am I very, very old?"Call For Submissions":This is Wednesday? Really? That just seems nigh on impossible, but if that's what the my computer says, I'll roll with it.Wednesday means that it is time for the call for submissions for the next edition of Five Star Friday. Not that submissions haven't already been rolling in, because they have, and there are some truly enjoyable posts being added to Friday's fourth edition for everyone to read in two days time, and by some, I mean TEN.Five Star Friday wants more than ten. Five Star Friday...

Snowsuit Survival
2008-04-30 01:17:00
One summer, when I must have been about nine or ten years old, my two cousins and I were left to our own devices on the farm for part of an afternoon. My younger cousin Laura and I had already put ourselves through an abandoned Monopoly marathon, we had been told to STAY AWAY FROM THE CAT AND HER KITTENS ALREADY, and my aunt had already made us pull every last chickweed from along the walkway, so we were doing that long, hot summer afternoon thing where you lay about on beds while swinging your legs in the air and sigh about having nothing to do.My mind wandered to that man in the city who spent all summer every summer walking around in a full-body snowsuit with the hood pulled up. I had last seen him when my mother and I drove past the neighbourhood he ambled through every day. Despite his getup, he appeared to be invisible on the sidewalk. No one seemed to take any notice of him aside from the few who stepped away to avoid the mittens that swung out from the cuffs at his wrist...
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50x365 #221: Julie R.
2008-04-29 19:05:00
You were smart, and you knew it, but that wasn?t the problem. The problem was that you made sure everyone else knew, too, by concluding every sentence with a self-satisfied grin. The result? The time that you insisted chickens were upholstery, instead of poultry, was priceless, and everyone knew it.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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Steel-Cut Sugar And Sugar Scissors
2008-04-28 19:28:00
I prefer brown sugar in my coffee. It is a matter of taste, which I have, because white sugar is nasty once you've branched out and realized that it is merely the lowbrow cousin with the dead tooth next to its finer relatives.I don't know what I'm talking about. Just stay away from white sugar. It menaces children and shows porn to old people on the bus.My brown sugar does no such thing. It is sweet and good and goes to confession three times a week. Its one downside, though, is that it gets hard. There are some things that are embettered when they get hard, but not so my sugar.Stop snickering, please. That was a perfectly innocent sentence.A brown sugar lump hangs out on an old Underwood.Above is my brown sugar. It has grown so hard that it has thrown off its plastic bag and roams proud and free wherever it is needed throughout my apartment.I think I have been paying far too much attention to penis enlargement spam lately.At any rate, my sugar is very solid. I was not su...
More About: Sugar , Steel

50x365 #220: Natasha
2008-04-28 17:14:00
Remember when you were bored that summer? So you started hanging out with me? And you said I was a really great friend? And you invited me to your birthday in September? And then you told everyone I was gullible and stupid and that you never really liked me? BITCH.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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50x365 #219: Mrs. Gregorich
2008-04-27 22:12:00
You were beautiful like the older sister from "Little House On The Prairie", and, on top of that, you had also studied bats, done mission work in Nicaragua, and committed other fantastic adventures before becoming an elementary schoolteacher. I wanted you to show me how to be a hundred things.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

50x365 #218: Mrs. Cush, Elementary School Librarian
2008-04-26 21:43:00
You told me that I wouldn't know how smart I was if I didn't test myself with harder books. Even though I loved the Nanook of the North series, I left them that day. It felt courageous to walk to the other end of the library. You started my path.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: School , Cush , Librarian

My First Movie Theatre Experience
2008-04-25 22:47:00
I am short-tempered today, testy. I was quite well-adjusted earlier, or so I thought, but then I kept running into other peoples' insensitivity, or maybe I am just being really sensitive, and now I am annoyed.It feels petulant, this being so put out by other people acting all put out or judgmental. I am two years old and have just suffered the unfairness of being denied toffee I would not eat anyway. Stompy stompy.(Five minutes pass in which I read websites and hover over the warmth of a fresh cup of coffee).Things are beginning to look up, and it is because of something I read over at Sweetney's place. She mentioned the first movie she ever saw, and it threw me back into the memory of the first movie I clearly remember seeing a movie theatre.It must have been at some point in the late 1970s, and the only movies I had seen before were old ones on our little television set in the basement that had rabbit ears decked out with tinfoil to cut through the static. I remember standin...
More About: Movie , Experience , Theatre

50x365 #217: Gretchen
2008-04-25 17:30:00
When we met across the border, you were outspoken with a sarcastic sense of humour, but when you came to visit, I saw through to the illness beneath when you shot one capful of Pepto Bismol for every shooter you took. I held your hair while you vomited and cried.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

50x365 #216: Troy T.
2008-04-24 22:16:00
When no one else was around, you would talk to me at the bus stop about how your father wrapped his car around a tree while drunk. If anyone saw us, though, you?d say loudly Sit and spin, baby! Sit and Spin! with your thumb held up in the air.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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A Public Service Announcement
2008-04-24 19:14:00
I just wanted to post a short reminder that I have started this new website called Five Star Friday, and that I am deeply in love with it, and that THE THIRD EDITION OF FIVE STAR FRIDAY IS COMING OUT TOMORROW.I am giving you three things to do:Go to Five Star Friday.Submit a weblog entry that strikes you with its excellence.Subscribe to Five Star Friday so you do not miss out on great web content each and every week.You might not know it yet, but you love it, too, because it is all about sharing good web content without any competitive edge. It is like shooting kittens and rainbows out your butt, and even some unicorns, only their horns don't hurt, because it is all just so awesome.I speak only truth.This has been a public service announcement from your ever-loving Schmutzie.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Public Service , Public , Service , Announcement , Public Service Announcement

50x365 #215: Ryan A.
2008-04-24 04:51:00
You were the larger than most of the eighth-graders even in the fifth grade, and you were a loner with unpredictable behaviour, so we should not have teased you, especially since it culminated in violence that killed me and gave me a near death experience. The dead are nice folks.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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I Am Not A Breeder
2008-04-24 00:05:00
Do you know who can bloody well screw off? The woman I ran into earlier who looked at my shirt, then at my belly, squinted her face into a cutesified smile, and asked if I had any exciting news to share.Is she asking me if I'm pregnant? I thought.I hardly know this woman. I wanted to eat her and floss my teeth afterward with the string from her fake pearl necklace.I am wearing a slim-fitting pair of pants today in deep brownish-charcoal, and my shirt is black, fitted on the top, and flares out slightly below the bust. From what I have seen while out shopping over the last few months, this is a common style these days.If people making cutesy faces and hinting about children drove me nuts before my brush with cancer, it just about makes me homicidal now. I never really wanted children in the first place, and I find most non-adults quite alien, but now that I am coming up on the one-year anniversaries of my colposcopy, LEEP, cancer diagnosis, and hysterectomy, that whole infantiliz...

50x365 #214: Chi Chi
2008-04-22 16:57:00
You would sneak out for smoke breaks during class with me when I promised not to tell anyone. While holding my hand, you told me about leaving Kenya as a child to live in England, where one grownup watched everyone and the other children?s light hair floated on the wind.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

50x365 #213: Ivan
2008-04-22 04:58:00
I only knew you well enough to say hello in passing, but I gravitated toward you nonetheless. You reminded me of a man from my childhood who made me licorice straws, wore baseball caps with greasy rims, was an expert dowser, and whose shirt pockets always smelled like fresh cigarettes.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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My Sweet Widdle Gopher
2008-04-21 21:54:00
(This photo was found here.)During my breaks at work, I often slip outside by myself. Near a particular nook where I stand to take shelter from the wind, there is a gopher hole. The gopher who pokes his head out of it is never too thrilled with my presence, and he whistles at me in this way that puffs out his cheeks to tell me to get off his fecking property already while only blinking one eye at a time. I click my tongue at him in return, which always makes him cock his head a bit, as though he could decipher what I might be trying to say. I like him.I am also fully aware that this little gopher is probably fifty different gophers that have burrowed under that section of land, but I am an inveterate anthropomorphizer. I prefer to think of all fifty gophers that might pop their heads up out of that hole as this one, whom I have decided is male. This way, I feel less like of an idiot when I ask him how his day is going, and I can pretend that we are getting used to each other. ...
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Saturday Night Date
2008-04-21 07:29:00
Last night, the Palinode and I went on traditional-type date, which we do not normally do, because we do most things together anyway. Let's hear it in unison now: Awwwwwww.We saw Guillermo Del Toro's "The Orphanage", which had me gripping the Palinode's arm and swallowing around a dry tongue, because I am becoming a bigger and bigger wuss with every passing year. I used to be able watch all kinds of suspense and gore, but once I turned thirty, I become a shivering leaf at the mere intimation of the ghost of a dead kid.Oh noes! There's a kid with a sack over his head! Beware the sack-headed, for they will behave unpredictably and likely have bloodlust! Afterward, we had drinks at a nearby pub, where I became a people magnet. I had spent Saturday afternoon in lesser breakdown mode, which involved crying into a roll of toilet paper while quietly listing all proofs of life's futility, so I thought people would have stayed far afield of me, but no, they eagerly told me about t...
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50x365 #212: Heather J.
2008-04-21 03:12:00
You were the first adult woman I saw outside wearing nothing on top but a brassiere. I was scandalized by your lack of modesty.What? You smirked at my shock. It's my back yard.She's right, I thought, but I remember wishing your bra looked less cheap and ill-fitting.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

50x365 #211: Jonathan S.
2008-04-19 22:02:00
My sudden mad, deep, freaky passion for you was as surprising as it was overwhelming, but you were dating a friend of mine. I wept when alone over unrequited love and hid my heartache behind smiles when out in public. The one time you touched me fed me for days.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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An Engineer's Guide To Cats
2008-04-19 01:17:00
(via Nora's Bloggedy Blog)This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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50x365 #210: Zea
2008-04-18 21:37:00
You were six months old the last time I saw you. Babies and I are usually a salty-teared mess of mutual aversion, but you stared into my eyes all evening. Our bodies were little more than units housing our true selves. Of course, yours drooled and pooped, but no matter.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

Five Star Friday, Unveiled
2008-04-18 15:35:00
After my paying gig last night that started at 8:15 a.m., I came home with Five Star Friday on the brain. It needed its own home. Being a bit pointy, I had to let that sucker out, and out it came in one unending torrent from 5:30 p.m. until 12:20 a.m. Do you know what fifteen straight hours of work sitting in front of a computer screen does to a person?I look like hell. My eyes are puffy and red, my skin is pallid, and I keep sitting around with my mouth hanging open. Now, if only I were an overweight teenager sitting in my mother's basement, the picture would be complete.So, please, I beg of you, head on over and take a look at the product of my labour, and remember while you do so that I did this for YOU.Welcome to Five Star Friday!Love,Schmutzie.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

Five Star Friday Is Getting A New Home And Is Hankering For Your Submission
2008-04-17 20:36:00
Alright, folks. I have a mission, which means I am going to make gross assumptions about you and your level of commitment to this mission. My mission is this: Five Star Friday . And you? You want to participate, spread the word, and help make this celebration of good weblog writing a success.I got so excited about it that I bought the domain name, I am building the website, and, if all goes as planned, which it never does, because this is the internet after all, it should be up sometime this evening at www.FiveStarFriday.com.My goal for Five Star Friday is for it to be a celebration of good content from weblogs across the internet. Whether it is funny, sad, thoughtful, or joyful, if you think a particular weblog post is a cut above the rest, I want to include it in Five Star Friday. All types of content are welcome, whether it be sports, poetry, photography, or catblogging. Even spinster aunts crave a little more fame.There is a ton of good content out there that rarely gets o...
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50x365 #209: Tracey T.
2008-04-17 18:03:00
I lay in your hot attic that summer when you took me in, lovelorn and solitary, fresh from the end of a difficult relationship. We hardly knew one another, but you listened to my story and told me I was powerful enough to make it through. Your belief became mine.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
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