Schmutzie's Milkmoney Or Not, Here I Come

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50x365 #208: Ceridwen
2008-04-16 18:09:00
You were more of everything. You were taller, slighter, darker-haired, shorter-haired, fairer-skinned, clearer-skinned, larger-eyed, and fuller-lipped. When you smiled, your eyes did that flirty, crinkled-corners thing, and you could pull off wearing bohemian scarves at fifteen. My eyes followed your walk down every hall, and I wondered how you happened.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

I'm Giving It The Old College Try
2008-04-15 23:04:00
Remember last week on Tuesday when I was sick in bed? Well, I am presently sucking back a Bolthouse Farms Berry Boost Fruit Smoothie, which contains 500% of my daily vitamin C requirement, in the hopes that it will help me make it through the workday. (That Bolthouse Farms mention? I promise that that was completely unsolicited. I am just a Bolthouse Farms lover and like to give away free advertising while I figure out how to afford a decent computer and buy new glasses when the lenses alone are approximately $125 each. I am nice that way).This is my EIGHTH DAY with this blasted cold virus, and all I want to do physically is sleep, and I must stress "physically", because what this cold has done to my dreams over the last eight days is completely ungood psychologically. I sweat and roll around all night, and not in any hot heterosexual action kind of way but in a fighting-for-my-sanity kind of way. Here are a few examples from my illness-induced dreams:I was a young man in colle...
More About: College , Giving

50x365 #207: Chelsea G.
2008-04-15 18:28:00
You were the wild one, the sick patient, the miniature Bodicelli, a witch, a healer, a dancer, a gorilla hiding in trees. You had several faces, too many fathers, and a talent for dramatic twist that exhilarated and exhausted. You made love like creation with fingers that smelled of oranges.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Chelsea

50x365 #206: G. S.
2008-04-14 17:51:00
You wore a ridiculously over-sized fur hat and paced in the hotel lobby, yelling into your cellphone in a caricature performance of a tycoon. Suddenly, it occurred to me that you sounded like the anthropomorphic Sylvester J. Pussycat from Looney Tunes. I half expected you to yell Thufferin' thuccotash!I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

"7 Random/Weird Things About Me" Is The Meme That Never Ends
2008-04-14 07:09:00
I was just tagged for a meme this evening, which reminded me that I was tagged for another meme about one month ago, so Paige Jennifer is just going to have to be patient while I do this other meme first.Candid Yammering's Day Dreamer tagged me for a meme back in mid-March. It is another variation of what seems to be everybody's favourite meme, 7 Random /Weird Things About Me.May I just say glory be to the meme during this time of The Great Cold Virus What Whoops The Ass and Renders One Vacuous. Until right now, I managed a revolving series of three thoughts today. The first was I'm hungry. The second was I'm thirsty. The third occurred every time my cat, Onion, rolled over to show me his stomach: I haz belly. Let me show you it.Here goes.7 Random/Weird Things About Me:If I let my chin whiskers grow out, I would grow two small locks on either side of my chin and look like a wizened sage.I often think of putting my hand in my stapler at work. I do not do it, because I gave i...
More About: Meme , Ends

50x365 #205: Brent B.
2008-04-14 02:25:00
I pretended to have a crush on you to make it look like I was more attracted to boys than I really was.I like his shirt, I said, pointing at you.Someone's got a crush! my friend squealed.I feigned embarrassment.Thankfully, no one ever told you about it.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Brent

50x365 #204: C.
2008-04-13 04:37:00
When you invited me to a Women's Centre meeting, I was excited to get involved on campus, but your presence at the meeting destroyed that. You picked at everything from the head of the centre to how the markers were stored. I found our association humiliating and never went back.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

Reverse Graffiti
2008-04-12 23:36:00
It provokes the thoughts, this video.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Graffiti

The First Ever Five Star Friday
2008-04-11 19:50:00
It is officially the first Five Star Friday !By way of a short explanation:either every Thursday or every other Thursday, I will put a call out via Twitter for the submission of individual weblog posts that rise above the dreck proliferating on the internet, and I will highlight them in a post the following day, hence the name Five Star Friday. I do not care if the posts are three years old or were posted this morning, and they can be written by someone else or by you, if you are into the self-pimpage. As long as they are excellent reads, send them my way on Twitter. (Read the bottom of this post for instructions on how to message me on Twitter). Submitting entries to Five Star Friday offers kudos to those you love, and it serves up good writing for the rest of us.So, without further ado, here are your submissions for Five Star Friday. You people are a generous lot. Enjoy!"Every Day Like Christmas" from Lawyerish"Alphabet: A History (D)" from City Wendy"Food Is Not An 'Issue'...

50x365 #203: Bradley
2008-04-11 15:50:00
My mother babysat you. You were too shy to talk to me, but when I took a nap, you'd sneak up to the bed, crawl onto it, and cuddle your soft Downs body against mine. Your warmth, your total acceptance, was divine. You softened my heart when it was hardening.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Bradley

Get Into Five Star Friday
2008-04-10 23:22:00
What is Five Star Friday ?Five Star Friday is a new thing I am starting as of tomorrow. Approximately every other Friday, or maybe every Friday, or however it naturally turns out, I want to post a list of links to stellar weblog entries that you have found out there.I am starting it for two reasons: first, I like to browse through the internet and see what is out there in the world of weblogs, but I do not get a lot of time to do that these days, and, second, I thought it would be nice to share and share alike while spreading some of that link love around.Here is how you can get involved:Read weblogs, and when a particular entry in a weblog strikes you as being above average, make note of it.Send me a direct message on Twitter, and only Twitter, with the url for that INDIVIDUAL ENTRY. That allcaps means that I do not want a url for a whole weblog. Just single posts, please. If you do not have a Twitter account, sign up. It is awesome. You will not regret it.Your submission will a...

50x365 #202: Bobby
2008-04-10 18:13:00
I thought you were so cool that I never spoke to you. You had curly hair, a boy's name, and you were always leading a pack of other kids, proudly out front, feet firmly stomping. The day you used my yard as a shortcut, I felt like I'd touched fame.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Bobby

50x365 #201: L. R., Physical Education Teacher
2008-04-09 20:42:00
Even when I ran 2.4 kilometers, my heart rate would not budge above 74, yet you penalized me anyway and made me run stairs for the remainder of class. You kept a calendar of my menstrual cycle so I couldn?t get out of group showers. You were a first-class bitch.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Education , Physical , Teacher

Creation From The Sickbed
2008-04-09 06:18:00
Today was a sick day. I spent the entire day reclining in bed in order to avoid the painful task of holding up my own head.A day like this drives me nuts. When I cannot stay awake long enough to write a cohesive thought, let alone keep both eyes focused and staring in the same direction for more than five or ten minutes, I become irrationally depressed. I am a compulsive creator. At any given point when I am not at my full-time job, I am likely involved in the act of creation. I am writing a poem/weblog entry/whatnot, knitting a scarf/armwarmers (my knitting repertoire is presently limited), taking photographs, building a desk, designing a website, etcetera. If I am not giving at least partial attention to a creative project, I feel useless.In brief, I continually seek out creative opportunity in order to stave off feelings of failure and to use every second my short life has to offer before the finality of death.No! It's my sunny and hopeful disposition!No, I'm kidding. I...
More About: Creation

50x365 #200: Tamara M.
2008-04-08 18:45:00
In high school, when I drifted from my old social group, you latched on and declared us Best Friends publicly. Not one to speak up, I let you condescend to school me in the ways of makeup, tinted mousse, and feminine hygiene products. What god ever let us be fourteen?I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

Hopefully Fleeting Brilliance (aka Viruses Can Suck It)
2008-04-08 07:30:00
This person feels awful. I have spent three hours trying to figure out something else to say other than "this person feels awful", but that's it. I worked on variations that went like "this person feels really awful" and "this person feels awfully terrible". I even attempted replacing "this person" with "I" to personalize it, but I was not up to the task.Then, my mind wandered, and I remembered that time when I was home sick with the flu and had mounted a little video camera on my bed's headboard.The previous sentence does not lead anywhere dirty, unless cat butts get you worked up.I had the video camera on my headboard trained on the cats while they were licking their butts, and I was broadcasting it on some video broadcasting thingy on the internet, and the people who ran the video broadcasting thingy on the internet were playing my live streaming cat-butt-licking channel on a large-screen television during a meeting. They made lewd jokes about my pussy (har har) and comment...
More About: Viruses , Suck , Brilliance

50x365 #199: Conan
2008-04-07 22:48:00
You were dubbed ?Conan the Librarian?, because you made no effort to hide your contempt for us. Even I, a high honours student, was treated with suspicion. The list of Bad Students you?d taped in plain view on your desk was no deterrent. It only made you seem more pathetic.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

My Photography Tanks With My Inability To Operate A New Camera
2008-04-07 05:08:00
I own this camera that I bought one-third off because the company was coming out with one that had more useless megapixels, and I needed something that was not as large as my Panasonic Lumix FZ20. This newish camera is an Olympus Stylus 790 SW, and to put it as nicely as I can, it is apparent that I have yet to master it, or, to be more honest, I take point-and-shoot photography to an all-new low that may cause headaches, nausea, and irritable bowels. For example: So, (due to no fault of the camera), out of the one hundred or so photos that I took this weekend, I came out with five that had both decipherable subject matter and decent contrast, which makes the story of my weekend in photographs very short.I went for a walk in the evening.The city looked bleak.On this evening walk, I came across a puddle,because it is spring, and puddles abound.Then I kept walking, because I was going somewhere.Do I have to explain every obvious thing to you?Geez.Now do you see? Holy crap.Of cours...
More About: Photography , Camera

50x365 #198: Uday
2008-04-07 04:39:00
Our main interaction was through transaction: you had cheap LSD, and I bought LSD. I still worried, though, when I heard that your parents had sent you to India for an exorcism. They thought you had devils in you rather than purple sugar cubes. I hope you came through alright.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

50x365 #197: M. Smith
2008-04-05 20:47:00
You were an excellent history professor, and I was fascinated by your shelves of books on the atomic age, but I could never get over the fact that you knew my boyfriend's name and talked to him. You'd never taught him and I was rarely jealous, but there you go.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Smith

50x365 #196: Neil
2008-04-04 18:26:00
Your hair was greasy but so carefully combed that it sat in neat, narrow rows across your head. Your tidiness surprised me. It didn?t go with your shuffling gait or stooped head.I?m special, you told me, not retarded.I know, I said.This sure is good weather, you said.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Neil

50x365 #195: Lise
2008-04-04 05:36:00
For some reason, what comes to mind when I think of you is that July afternoon when we watched ?Threesome? with your mother and the vague, nauseous discomfort I felt during the lame sex scene at the end, but you deserve so much more than this to pay you tribute.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

Top Drawer Thursday
2008-04-03 14:40:00
On Tuesday, I put out a call for superior weblog entries, because I needed a lift and always like to broaden my internet reading horizons. You people were generous with the links, as you can see from the list below.I meant weblog entries, as in specific posts within weblogs, but I am just not that nitpicky, so when you mostly sent me links to entire weblogs, I figured I had no reason to complain. You will notice that I had to split them up into two separate lists, though. I simply could not throw the individual entries into bed with the entire weblogs. That would be, oh, I don't know, all incestuous or something. Or maybe just a little confusing. Or maybe I am the sort of person who cannot let her peas touch the gravy on her plate let alone be able to even handle the thought of jello, especially grape jello, touching lettuce without grimacing. Heaven forefend!Top Drawer Weblog Entries"Following Our Dreams All The Way Home" by Jen Lemen at Shutter Sisters"Oh Easter Eggs, Oh Ea...
More About: Thursday

50x365 #194: Jackie
2008-04-03 06:35:00
You wore pink from head to toe every single day. Even your jeans and the bows in your hair were pink. I asked about it, and you claimed that it was your mother who insisted that pink was your only good colour. Your face flushed the colour of your jacket.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Jackie

A Universal Apology For Dropped Balls
2008-04-03 02:53:00
I am not sure where to start with this, because it is decidedly not funny, but every time I start writing about it, I get the giggles. You know that funny bone that is not in your elbow but is in your knee? The one that really kills when you bump it? Yeah, well my knee funny bone keeps jerking and kicking a whoopee cushion, a whoopee cushion that I wrote sad teenage poetry all over.So, let's start again. Hello, my name is Schmutzie, and I am not being funny. In fact, I am being very sad, especially over the last few months. I do not mean sad-all-the-time sad. It is more like anxious-sad, it's-blooding-fucking-spring sad, seasonal-affective-disorder sad, dealing-with-the-past-year-from-hell sad.For those of you who were not here as far back as September 2006, that was the month in which I went for my first full physical exam in six years. If you are in a similar position, I would suggest that you run to your nearest doctor's office, demand a full physical, and gladly hop u...
More About: Balls , Universal , Apology

An Elephant Paints A Portrait
2008-04-02 21:14:00
This video makes me cry. Why does it do that?This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Paints , Portrait , Elephant

50x365 #193: Orland
2008-04-02 05:18:00
We met at a party. I liked you. I wasn't sure if I liked you liked you, but I got all fluttery when we made out. Our friends assumed we were dating, but when I saw you after, we couldn't even say hello. We were the same kind of awkward.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.

A Call For Superior Weblog Entries
2008-04-01 18:46:00
Today is Tuesday. I am not a fan of Tuesdays. They fall right after Monday, which as a post-weekend reintroduction to beige cubicle life, does not create a great setup for the workweek. Tuesday is the day before Wednesday, which it pales near, because Wednesdays, being in the middle of the workweek, are able to see the hope that is at both ends of the beige cubicle life cycle.Tuesday is like cold oatmeal gone lumpen like leftover breakfast.But! See that? There is a bright But! here. You can all help with the suckitude that is Tuesday.You see, I completely realize that I allow Tuesdays to be what they are for me. I slothfully roll back into the bowl of glutinous porridge and let it envelope me. It is disgusting behaviour for one who would be the master of her own path.What I want is some really, really very good weblog reading material from the internets (that's you), because nothing lifts my spirits and my creativity quite like good writing. Please leave links in the comme...
More About: Weblog , Call , Superior

50x365 #192: Connie G.
2008-03-31 19:46:00
I, so small, used to stand next to you, so tall, and watch the square line of your jaw move while we sang spirituals in choir practice. Your alto was deeper than most, and I could feel your vibrations inside my ear. I secretly imagined my lips against your hair.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Connie

50x365 #191: Dean F.
2008-03-31 07:40:00
You had a miniature Jesus on your dashboard, and yet I still made out with you after you threw a tissue over it and said your name was Stu Pid. It wasn?t until your mother stumbled into the kitchen later and slurred Is this another 14-year-old girlfriend? that I left.I am a participant in x365.This site needs a new laptop. Help me do it! See site for details.
More About: Dean