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And Now, He’s Four for Four
2008-03-03 02:26:00
Sam and Hannah and I went to a train show a couple of weeks ago. Sam spotted a sign announcing the show, and reminded me daily as the date approached. Some kids like trains. Some like them a lot. But for Sam, train stuff — models/shows/museums/tracks/engines/pictu res/computer programs — trains are his Holy Grail. I have written previously about the boy’s incredible luck. He enters raffles, and he wins. He has entered three raffles in his 12 years, and has won 1) 70 bucks, 2) a half hour massage, and 3) a new bike. I worry that he is getting the wrong message about gambling, because so far, his experience has taught him that raffle tickets are a sure thing. Every time. As we entered the long awaited model train show, Sam saw a big sign exclaiming, “Raffle!” I cringed. Once again I cued up “the talk” — the one where I remind him that most of the time, when people enter raffles, or buy lottery tickets, or enter contests, they do not win....

Alive
2008-03-01 17:39:00
Yep, I really am. And I have lots of updating to do here, but lately, no time to do it. Stay tuned — I really will be back soon!
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UP TO THE MINUTE UPDATE TO YESTERDAY’S NEWS
2008-02-23 22:04:00
Thanks to those of you who understood yesterday’s excitement over my momentarily clean house. Here’s an update: The beds are made. No, but I did make pancakes. The floors are vacuumed. There are Goldfish crumbs and/or old, brown leaves in every room. The dust is dusted. Okay good, the dust is still dusted. The markers and marbles and train tracks and doll clothes and applesauce cups are picked up. Crap everywhere. And the laundry is done. Nope, the dirty clothes are piled high in my closet (I’ll never figure out how they generate laundry so fast) and my basement is littered with wet snowsuits. Ah, well. I enjoyed the fleeting moment.
More About: News , Update , Yesterday , Minute

BREAKING NEWS ALERT!
2008-02-22 19:17:00
… and also possibly a sign of the apocalypse, a blue moon, and ohmygod, Hell is so freaking cold right now… … … … My house. Is clean. The beds are made. The floors are vacuumed. The dust is dusted. The markers and marbles and train tracks and doll clothes and applesauce cups are picked up. And the laundry is done. This will not happen again, likely ever. So I thought I’d better share.
More About: News , Breaking News , Alert , Breaking

Unintentionally Existential Question of the Day, Thanks to Hannah, Who Has
2008-02-19 23:19:00
“Mom, if I threw up in the woods, would you have to clean it up?” Discuss.
More About: Question , Hannah , Existential

My Conversation with the McDonald’s Drive-Thru Person
2008-02-17 16:19:00
Me (ordering for Sam): I’d like a plain double hamburger with ketchup only, please. Drive -Thru Guy: I’m sorry, maam, we don’t make double hamburgers. Do you want to order something else instead? Me (after a long pause, trying hard not to sound dumbfounded and sarcastic): Could I please have a plain double cheeseburger with ketchup only, hold the cheese? Drive-Thru Guy: Oh. Okay, we can do that, I guess. Anything else? Me: No, thanks, that’ll do it.
More About: Person , Conversation

I’m Going to Mars!
2008-02-15 02:55:00
No, really! Abby’s class is going on a very cool field trip soon, and I found out today that I get to go along as a chaperone. This is, of course, a very serious responsibility, in that 1) Abby and her classmates will instruct me as to my space program duties, and 2) I’ll behave in such a way that scars Abby for life embarrasses her deeply makes my daughter proud. Truth is, I heard about this 5th grade field trip way back when Sam was in kindergarten, and I hoped I’d have the opportunity to get in on it with one of the kids. The Challenger Center isn’t open to the public — only to school groups. Last year, Sam’s class went without me (cue the violins, please) but today, Mr. O’C pulled my name from the class hat. I wonder if they’ll serve refreshments?
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Item #783 from Hannah’s Big Book of Stuff To Do with the Plastic Curl
2008-02-12 21:51:00
Why, have your mother put them in your own hair and make what would otherwise be a regular old school day extra festive, of course. And since we’re talking hair… For those days when you’re feeling extra sassy, a Hannah Montana wig can come in handy, especially when gathered into pigtails and paired with pink and burgundy soccer socks worn with your big sister’s Converse All-Stars.
More About: Book , Stuff , Item , Plastic

Winter Fun
2008-02-09 17:41:00
Hannah (after 30 minutes of unproductive kneeling on the bathroom floor while hugging the toilet): Mom, my knees hurt. I kind of want to stand up, but if I do, I know I’ll puke. Me: Hannah, if your knees hurt, then stand up. Hannah (moaning, but not moving): I have very mixed feelings right now.
More About: Winter

Hannah Unplugged
2008-02-01 15:47:00
From Hannah ’s Goofus and Gallant files (even though I was more of a Hidden Pictures kind of kid, myself:) And it’s not even TV Turnoff Week! Those three little kids on the couch on the left… anyone care to guess who’s who?
More About: Unplugged

An Historical Pictorial of Titanic Proportions
2008-01-28 21:30:00
Sam’s explains each frame: 1) iceberg, 2) taking on water, 3) bow deck underwater, 4) boat deck in water, 5) propellers out of water, 6) ship begins to crack, 7) ship splits in three, 8) stern sits normally while bow sinks, 9) stern takes on water, 10) 90 degree angle, 11) final sinking, 12) propellers going underwater, 13) bow planes away (that means sinking fast), 14) ocean floor “S.S. Oops.” Har!
More About: Pictorial , Historical , Titanic

Just Don’t Call Her Late for Dinner
2008-01-26 15:27:00
Hannah (exasperated, with hands on hips): Mom, would you please come downstairs and tell Sam that my middle name is Dorothy? Me: Huh? Hannah: He doesn’t believe me. Me: Well, Hannah, that doesn’t sound like a conversation worth having. You know your middle name is Dorothy. Ignore him. Hannah (turning on her heel, sighing heavily, and bracing for her return to the basement): He just keeps on calling me “Toilet.”
More About: Dinner , Call , Late

When She Says She Loves Her Cats, She Is NOT Kidding
2008-01-20 17:34:00
A page from Abby’s journal: That’s a lot of responsibility for a furry, 13-pound creature who gets high on catnip and cannot speak, but I must say, he gets the job done.
More About: Cats , Kidding

Is It Too Late For Her To Declare Her Candidacy?
2008-01-18 19:46:00
Actual Hannah Quote of the Day: “Mom, did you know that every time I throw a penny in a fountain, I wish for world peace? But before my teacher told me about that, I used to wish I could fly.” I love her. Unrelated Presidential video clip. She could so mop the voting booth floor with all those other numbskulls.
More About: Late , Candidacy , Clar

Spam Update, or, Why Comment Moderation Sometimes Makes Me Giggle
2008-01-17 19:27:00
Actual Spam Comment of the Day (which I am not going to approve, because if I do, then Dr. Dental Spammer will have the run of the place, and all of his comments, which appear in my moderation queue daily, by the way, will actually show up in the comments section, which just ain’t gonna happen, ’cause it’s MY blog, dammit): Dr. Tim0thy Drisc0ll, DDS, or as I prefer to call him, “Dr. BadGrammar and Yet, Still Pedantic”: (who keeps trying to comment waaaaay back here on this old post): “Having a flavored toothpaste is one way of enjoying your brushing experience. However, you should also consider if the toothpaste is rich with flouride and other elements that fights bacteria and cavities.” *snork* Why thank you, Dr. Drisc0ll. I will also consider that.
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Where Are You People Coming From??
2008-01-13 02:27:00
Something on my stats page is driving me crazy. Well, in a good way, but still. Does anyone know WHY this post, two months after the fact, still gets many, many hits? More than any other post? Every single day? Someone, somewhere, must have linked to it, but try as I might, I cannot figure out why, where, or by whom. So, um, thank you? But, please — for curiosity’s sake — where are you coming from?
More About: People

My Intellectual Contribution (So Far) to Presidential Election ‘08
2008-01-09 17:44:00
Yesterday, Dave Barry conducted a little live question and answer session, as part of his on-the-scene coverage of the New Hampshire primary. Common themes included voter trends, change, Cheez-Its, change, possible nicknames for Mike Huckabee and Dick Harpootlian (neither of whom need nicknames, since their real names are already so fun to say out loud) and also change. I submitted several questions, which Dave graciously answered, much to my school-girlish delight. Here’s the intro to the Q&A, as written by a professional-type Miami Herald person and seen on The Herald’s website, followed by my questions and Dave’s responses. Dave Barry is running for President of the United States — but because he is a trained journalism professional, he is also sporadically covering the other, lesser candidates. On Jan. 8, 29 and on future dates that he can’t disclose just yet, he’ll be chatting live from 1-2 p.m. here. That’s right, he’ll actu...
More About: Presidential , Election , Intellectual , Contribution

You Would Think
2008-01-05 05:07:00
… that the arrival of the new year would have inspired me to get back here and write something — ANYTHING — already. However, since the kids returned to school, I’m pretty much just trying to keep up with the laundry and all of the pine needles that continue to rain down on my living room floor, so I have sorely neglected my blogging duties. The ornaments will get packed up tomorrow, which will really piss off Lily, the cat, since she seems to think that the space under the Christmas tree is her own personal forest, which is 1) a fabulous location for napping and 2) was a great place to stop for a drink, at least until I stopped watering it a week and a half ago. I suppose there may be a correlation between the not watering and the Rain of the Pine Needles, which really might be an excellent name for a sad, sad, overly sappy song, but I digress. I can’t promise anything, but I think that once the tree is gone and the living room chairs are returned to...

I Resolve
2007-12-31 15:14:00
… to not resolve a single damn thing, except for the stuff that I’m resolving already. Besides, I already belong to (and go to, even) a gym, I’m nice to my neighbors, I eat green vegetables, drink V8, and I write (almost) every day. My children won’t be better behaved next year, the bathroom sink will not be shinier, I won’t clear out the clutter littering the basement, and I’m sure there will be even more dust bunnies under my couch. However, 2008 will be the best year ever. I believe!

Duh
2007-12-29 05:38:00
Here’s a handy tip for parents who are sick to death of Disney’s High School Musical: Do not, under any circumstances, purchase for your children a game in which the entire purpose is for the players to repeatedly sing, at high volume, all of the songs from High School Musicals I and II and every dang-blasted, happy, happy Disney Channel movie and/or TV show ever made. Also, do NOT purchase a microphone. What terrible, insensitive, unthinking person bought this game for my darling children? Why… it was me, of course!

This Is No Longer Timely, Nor Is It Topical, But I’m Posting It Anywa
2007-12-27 16:54:00
The gingerbread stylings of Hannah, Abby and Sam Christmas Eve letter to Santa, as scribed by Abby Christmas morning, awaiting their official release from the hallway. Please note the absence of daylight.
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Watch this Space
2007-12-24 18:55:00
I really do have a Christmas Eve blog in my head, but I’m too busy wrapping-cooking-baking-gifting-last-minu te-shopping-yelling-at-kids-to-clean-up-t heir-rooms-or-Santa-might-not-show-up to do anything about transporting it from my head to here. I might catch a minute later, but it depends entirely on whether or not I run out of tape or wrapping paper or vanilla extract and need to go out to the store again. If it does all get done without the need for any further last-minute errands, I have promised to give myself the gift of sitting down for a minute or ten. I know. Funny. Ha! Merry Christmas, everyone. Here’s hoping you’re warm and happy and with the people you love.
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Couldn’t the Same Be Said About [Insert Name of Brilliant Mathematici
2007-12-22 21:56:00
This just in from the Math section of Sam’s most recent progress report, as issued on official Special Education Department stationery (I find myself reading the following paragraph over and over, because it makes me giggle, which probably would get me some odd looks from the middle school principal and some of Sam’s teachers, but I can live with that): Progress Report Information: Sam knows what to do with the data, and which data is useful, but he generally wants to immediately solve the problem, and does not list the data unless prompted. Sam requires cueing and support in order to explain his steps in any format. At times, Sam’s answer to a request for an explanation is, “Because that is the right answer.” It is difficult for Sam to explain his reasoning, although his reasoning is usually accurate. So… he can’t explain why, but he’s efficient and confident and right? I think I’m okay with that. Gratuitous Bragging Addendum, ...
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I Think There Might Be A Compliment In Here Somewhere
2007-12-21 18:57:00
Abby: Mom, it’s funny how you look so different all the time. During the day, you look like you’re a 26 year-old, but in the morning, you look 42. And at night, you just have messy hair and you look really tired.
More About: Some , Somewhere

A Happy Holidays Personal Fingertip Safety Announcement
2007-12-20 23:21:00
For the many of you who are already dealing with absurd amounts of snow in the driveway, even though it isn’t even winter yet, please click here for a friendly safety reminder.* *Unless you are prone to passing out. (Please consider this your “ewww” warning.) Note: I’m not kidding. Note on the note: No, really. Note on the note’s note: Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
More About: Personal , Holidays , Safety , Happy Holidays , Announcement

All She Wants for Christmas Is A Whole Bunch of Stuff
2007-12-15 20:33:00
Hannah’s Christmas List, as presented to me on two Post-Its. Let’s review. 1) Amacin-girl doll or dolls American Girl doll. 100 bucks a pop. Keep dreamin’, kid. 2) micer fones Microphones. Hannah and her sister have taken to writing, producing and performing various episodes of “The Abby and Hannah Show.” Think Donny and Marie on helium. The microphones, of course, will provide better sound quality. I’ll have to see how much they cost, but I do like to support their creative spirit. 3) A drum set Um. No. 4) A Sled The classic Christmas request. She has forgotten that we already have three. I suspect I could put a bow on one of the inflatable sleds in the basement and call it a gift, and she won’t know the difference. Done. 5) MP3 player Do they make these in Santa’s workshop? 6 and 7) Webkinz body spray and Webkinz trading cards I have to hand it to the Webkinz people for their marketing genius. Webkinz started as a line of little st...
More About: Stuff

I’m Not Kidding, I’m Asking Him for Lottery Numbers
2007-12-13 01:57:00
Some of you who read here regularly may remember that Sam has excellent luck. Unbelievable, really. He wins things. I have never, in any of my 42 years, won anything. Not that I’m bitter. IMPORTANT BACKGROUND ITEM #1: Last year, while begrudgingly attending a performance of his sister’s play, Sam won seventy bucks in a raffle, during intermission. Then when he entered another raffle, a mere two days after the first, amidst concerned, maternal warnings that most buyers of raffle tickets do not actually win anything, especially not twice, he won the coveted half-hour massage gift certificate. I worried about the lesson in all this. Gambling = getting stuff. Argh. Then again, it’s hard to argue with a two-for-two winner. IMPORTANT BACKGROUND ITEM #2: Sam also enjoys lying convincing me of things. For example, when I say, “Sam, I need you to come over here so we can get your homework going!” he likes to point to a spot just behind me and say something excl...
More About: Kidding , Lottery , Numbers , Number

Star vs. Angel
2007-12-09 21:06:00
While I was growing up, an angel always topped our Christmas tree. I continued that tradition in my own house. She has quite a history, this winged lady who comes out of the attic only once every year, and to me, has earned her spot of honor. Our original angel suffered a violent death when our Very Tall Tree fell over a few years ago. Her head and hands were ceramic, so her landing wasn’t pretty. My mom very kindly sent a beautiful new celestial tree chick as a Christmas gift after I told her that we had temporarily replaced the shattered ornament with one of Abby’s finger puppets. I kind of loved that one, actually, but the reborn/replaced “official” angel was nice too. But shortly after that, Sam asked why we didn’t have a star for the top of the tree. He told me that all of the trees in the TV Christmas Specials had stars, and he wanted one too. I explained that yes, lots of people use stars, but we have an angel because… well, because we lik...
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Just Sayin’
2007-12-07 19:40:00
Unfunny Warning: I apologize — this makes two rants in a row. However. This kid. The one who shot up the mall in Omaha and killed eight people. Does anybody else find it utterly horrifying that in spite of things like mall-shooter suicide notes that say, “Now I’ll be famous,” the media STILL insist on showing us pictures of the shooter, rewarding him with exactly what he was after and thereby encouraging the next pathetic, lost, angry soul to seek the same notoriety? Why not just keep the pictures of the infamy-seekers out of it? Why not focus only on the victims? I can’t stand it when I see news stories referring to criminals as “masterminds.” How can we not see that the next guy to go on a rampage would LOVE to receive such a compliment?

Target’s Salute to Educators
2007-12-04 18:49:00
I was just minding my own business, running my usual errands. I rushed through my neighborhood Target in search of paper towels, shampoo and hair clips for the girls, AA batteries for Sam, salty snacks, and a string of Christmas tree lights. And then, in the Holiday section, I saw this ornament and stopped dead in my tracks: I think my jaw actually dropped. I laughed out loud. People looked at me funny. Yes, that is an apostrophe. This kind of crap keeps me up at night. To make matters worse, the copy on the packaging boasts this little beauty: 10% of this purchase price goes to Support our teachers and classrooms. That’s right, the capital letter was right there, taunting me, in the middle of the fricking sentence. It was at the beginning of a second line of text, so some poor sap who dares call him or herself a proofreader felt it was appropriate for some sad reason, but ALL OF THIS, a punctuation and a capitalization error, ON A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT MEANT TO HONOR TEACHERS...
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