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This Is No Longer Timely, Nor Is It Topical, But I’m Posting It Anywa
2007-12-27 16:54:00
The gingerbread stylings of Hannah, Abby and Sam Christmas Eve letter to Santa, as scribed by Abby Christmas morning, awaiting their official release from the hallway. Please note the absence of daylight.
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Watch this Space
2007-12-24 18:55:00
I really do have a Christmas Eve blog in my head, but I’m too busy wrapping-cooking-baking-gifting-last-minu te-shopping-yelling-at-kids-to-clean-up-t heir-rooms-or-Santa-might-not-show-up to do anything about transporting it from my head to here. I might catch a minute later, but it depends entirely on whether or not I run out of tape or wrapping paper or vanilla extract and need to go out to the store again. If it does all get done without the need for any further last-minute errands, I have promised to give myself the gift of sitting down for a minute or ten. I know. Funny. Ha! Merry Christmas, everyone. Here’s hoping you’re warm and happy and with the people you love.
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Couldn’t the Same Be Said About [Insert Name of Brilliant Mathematici
2007-12-22 21:56:00
This just in from the Math section of Sam’s most recent progress report, as issued on official Special Education Department stationery (I find myself reading the following paragraph over and over, because it makes me giggle, which probably would get me some odd looks from the middle school principal and some of Sam’s teachers, but I can live with that): Progress Report Information: Sam knows what to do with the data, and which data is useful, but he generally wants to immediately solve the problem, and does not list the data unless prompted. Sam requires cueing and support in order to explain his steps in any format. At times, Sam’s answer to a request for an explanation is, “Because that is the right answer.” It is difficult for Sam to explain his reasoning, although his reasoning is usually accurate. So… he can’t explain why, but he’s efficient and confident and right? I think I’m okay with that. Gratuitous Bragging Addendum, ...
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I Think There Might Be A Compliment In Here Somewhere
2007-12-21 18:57:00
Abby: Mom, it’s funny how you look so different all the time. During the day, you look like you’re a 26 year-old, but in the morning, you look 42. And at night, you just have messy hair and you look really tired.
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A Happy Holidays Personal Fingertip Safety Announcement
2007-12-20 23:21:00
For the many of you who are already dealing with absurd amounts of snow in the driveway, even though it isn’t even winter yet, please click here for a friendly safety reminder.* *Unless you are prone to passing out. (Please consider this your “ewww” warning.) Note: I’m not kidding. Note on the note: No, really. Note on the note’s note: Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
More About: Personal , Holidays , Safety , Happy Holidays , Announcement

All She Wants for Christmas Is A Whole Bunch of Stuff
2007-12-15 20:33:00
Hannah’s Christmas List, as presented to me on two Post-Its. Let’s review. 1) Amacin-girl doll or dolls American Girl doll. 100 bucks a pop. Keep dreamin’, kid. 2) micer fones Microphones. Hannah and her sister have taken to writing, producing and performing various episodes of “The Abby and Hannah Show.” Think Donny and Marie on helium. The microphones, of course, will provide better sound quality. I’ll have to see how much they cost, but I do like to support their creative spirit. 3) A drum set Um. No. 4) A Sled The classic Christmas request. She has forgotten that we already have three. I suspect I could put a bow on one of the inflatable sleds in the basement and call it a gift, and she won’t know the difference. Done. 5) MP3 player Do they make these in Santa’s workshop? 6 and 7) Webkinz body spray and Webkinz trading cards I have to hand it to the Webkinz people for their marketing genius. Webkinz started as a line of little st...
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I’m Not Kidding, I’m Asking Him for Lottery Numbers
2007-12-13 01:57:00
Some of you who read here regularly may remember that Sam has excellent luck. Unbelievable, really. He wins things. I have never, in any of my 42 years, won anything. Not that I’m bitter. IMPORTANT BACKGROUND ITEM #1: Last year, while begrudgingly attending a performance of his sister’s play, Sam won seventy bucks in a raffle, during intermission. Then when he entered another raffle, a mere two days after the first, amidst concerned, maternal warnings that most buyers of raffle tickets do not actually win anything, especially not twice, he won the coveted half-hour massage gift certificate. I worried about the lesson in all this. Gambling = getting stuff. Argh. Then again, it’s hard to argue with a two-for-two winner. IMPORTANT BACKGROUND ITEM #2: Sam also enjoys lying convincing me of things. For example, when I say, “Sam, I need you to come over here so we can get your homework going!” he likes to point to a spot just behind me and say something excl...
More About: Kidding , Lottery , Numbers , Number

Star vs. Angel
2007-12-09 21:06:00
While I was growing up, an angel always topped our Christmas tree. I continued that tradition in my own house. She has quite a history, this winged lady who comes out of the attic only once every year, and to me, has earned her spot of honor. Our original angel suffered a violent death when our Very Tall Tree fell over a few years ago. Her head and hands were ceramic, so her landing wasn’t pretty. My mom very kindly sent a beautiful new celestial tree chick as a Christmas gift after I told her that we had temporarily replaced the shattered ornament with one of Abby’s finger puppets. I kind of loved that one, actually, but the reborn/replaced “official” angel was nice too. But shortly after that, Sam asked why we didn’t have a star for the top of the tree. He told me that all of the trees in the TV Christmas Specials had stars, and he wanted one too. I explained that yes, lots of people use stars, but we have an angel because… well, because we lik...
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Just Sayin’
2007-12-07 19:40:00
Unfunny Warning: I apologize — this makes two rants in a row. However. This kid. The one who shot up the mall in Omaha and killed eight people. Does anybody else find it utterly horrifying that in spite of things like mall-shooter suicide notes that say, “Now I’ll be famous,” the media STILL insist on showing us pictures of the shooter, rewarding him with exactly what he was after and thereby encouraging the next pathetic, lost, angry soul to seek the same notoriety? Why not just keep the pictures of the infamy-seekers out of it? Why not focus only on the victims? I can’t stand it when I see news stories referring to criminals as “masterminds.” How can we not see that the next guy to go on a rampage would LOVE to receive such a compliment?

Target’s Salute to Educators
2007-12-04 18:49:00
I was just minding my own business, running my usual errands. I rushed through my neighborhood Target in search of paper towels, shampoo and hair clips for the girls, AA batteries for Sam, salty snacks, and a string of Christmas tree lights. And then, in the Holiday section, I saw this ornament and stopped dead in my tracks: I think my jaw actually dropped. I laughed out loud. People looked at me funny. Yes, that is an apostrophe. This kind of crap keeps me up at night. To make matters worse, the copy on the packaging boasts this little beauty: 10% of this purchase price goes to Support our teachers and classrooms. That’s right, the capital letter was right there, taunting me, in the middle of the fricking sentence. It was at the beginning of a second line of text, so some poor sap who dares call him or herself a proofreader felt it was appropriate for some sad reason, but ALL OF THIS, a punctuation and a capitalization error, ON A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT MEANT TO HONOR TEACHERS...
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Notes from The Hallway
2007-12-02 05:42:00
1) Sam’s first school dance is history. I am happy to report that I am breathing again. 2) There are no action photos, since the gym was pitch black, with the exception of the occasional migraine-producing strobe light provided by the DJ. 3) If Sam did dance, I’m fairly certain that the dancing was of the jumping up and down variety. 4) He spent more than half his time in the cafeteria, away from the loud music and near the fruit rollups. Sam eating fruit snacks while putting up with his mother and her camera. 5) Girls (many of whom appeared to have tragically collided with their mothers’ makeup bags) outnumbered boys, at least 3:1. 6) More than dancing, the preferred activity of the evening appeared to be walking. Walking the halls, walking to the bathrooms, walking back and forth between the gym (darkness, scent of sweatsocks, extremely loud music) and the cafeteria (snacks, pizza, water bottles.) 7) Helpful Hint #1: If you are the guy assigned with the task of ...
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Friday Night Turn-Up-the-Lights
2007-11-30 19:45:00
Announcement: Tonight I get to be a chaperone at Sam’s very. First. School. Dance. *cue disbelief, tears, and “I remember when you were a baby!” stories* He brought a notice home in his backpack a few weeks ago and declared that he wanted to go. I don’t think he knows what he’s in for, but then, in 6th grade, did anybody? I remember trying to make myself invisible by backing up against a wall with most of the rest of the girls, keeping very busy with pizza and Coke and highly important chit-chat, and trying to look oh-so-cool and entirely comfortable in this painfully awkward and awful situation, so as to have several excuses at all times why I just absolutely could not dance. No, thank you. No. Way. I’m not exactly sure why anybody went in the first place, since, afterall, it was billed as a dance, at which one would expect, one would think, to be, perhaps, dancing. But… N. O. No!!! How embarrassing! Tonight, I’ll be the one hidin...
More About: Night , Friday , Lights , Turn

This Is Why I Exercise
2007-11-30 13:24:00
Again, with the soup. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I blame both of my grandmothers. Beef Stew with Herbed Dumplings This is my favorite version of a winter beef stew, which is, as far as I’m concerned, one of VERY FEW existing saving graces of cold weather (the others are: 2) ice skating, and 3) hot chocolate.) This stew is very easy to make, but takes its sweet time getting itself cooked. However, the resulting rich, smoky flavor and incredibly tender bites of slow-cooked beef are well worth the time spent within stirring distance. Making the stew: 3 pounds boneless beef chuck, cut into 1-inch cubes 2 TBLS peanut oil 5 thick-sliced bacon strips, chopped (I used Trader Joe’s Applewood Smoked Center Cut Bacon) 3 cups finely chopped onions (3 or 4 medium onions) 3 stalks celery, chopped 3 or 4 cloves fresh garlic, pressed or finely chopped 2 tsp dried thyme 1 bay leaf 5 1/2 cups low-sodium canned beef broth (can sub a cup or two of red wine for some of the broth...
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Huh, I Never Knew
2007-11-28 21:45:00
Sam: Mom, you know what I want for Christmas? Me: What, Sam? Sam: Aqua Dots. Me: They don’t sell those anymore, pal. Sam: Why not? Me: Because they have a chemical in them that causes unconsiousness, drowsiness, seizures, coma and death was making kids sick. Sam: They won’t make ME sick! I was born hydrodynamic*! *Never mind the definition; Sam thinks it means “strong.” When I asked him where he heard that, he said, “Sponge Bob told me.”

Simple Needs
2007-11-27 22:51:00
Life Rule #372: Never pass up an opportunity to toss a penny in a fountain. … sometimes your wishes come true! (Occasionally, in a matter of mere minutes.) Life Rule #373 (according to Abby): On those rare occasions when your mother grants you a tall vanilla creme frappuccino, always request extra whipped cream.
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Uncle Doug’s Thanksgiving Recipe
2007-11-25 17:15:00
1.) Remove cap from can of whipped cream. 2.) Spray liberally into the mouth of an adorable two year-old. 3.) Be thankful for her extremely tolerant mother, who indulges us by allowing such silliness, even after I insulted her dog. 4.) Repeat.
More About: Thanksgiving , Recipe , Doug , Uncle , Hank

For This, I Give Thanks
2007-11-22 06:13:00
1.) Love 2.) My children and their health 3.) Words 4.) a) Chocolate, b) venti iced quad nonfat cappucinos, and c) mashed potatoes (not necessarily consumed simultaneously) 5.) Outstanding teachers 6.) Four-leaf clovers 7.) Curly-girl hair care products that actually work 8.) Those who value kindness 9.) Big Papi 10.) Laughing until it hurts What are you thankful for?
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Air Travel Envy
2007-11-21 14:45:00
Sam (jealous and pouting): What if I came in without a ticket and I snuck onto the plane? Me: You can’t do that, Sam. Sam: Why not? Me: You’d get arrested at airport security. Sam (smiling): What happens then? Will I get arrested, handcuffed, processed and jailed? Then killed, cemeteried and heavened? Me: No Sam, I’m pretty sure they’ll keep you alive. Sam: Will I still get fruit punch and a cookie? Me: We have those at home, bud.
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Our Ziploc Bags Are Packed
2007-11-21 00:50:00
Abby and I get to have a little one-on-one, mother/daughter, girl-bonding time! At least, until the plane lands, where we’ll be greeted by my parents, two of my brothers, one extremely tolerant sister-in-law, two nephews, one niece, one sweet old dog, one spoiled-rotten puppy, two cats, and a dead turkey. Tomorrow morning, we will be locked in a sea of humanity at the security gate airport bound, on our way to spend Thanksgiving with my parents, in the town where I grew up. I’ll be busy trolling for open wireless signals while playing hide and seek with my nephews, asking my dad to turn the TV down, and gaining five pounds. Cranberry-orange relish with a side of stuffing, please. PRE-TRAVEL UPDATE: Oh, goodie. 11/21 MORNING UPDATE: We have whipped cream.
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“Hello, Fed Ex? How Much to Deliver a Document to The North Pole?&rdq
2007-11-20 18:22:00
Sam has become an impressively skilled film maker. He uses a video camera, his computer, and every airplane/ship/train model he can find to tell his stories. I can already see the Steven Spielberg potential in his vision and intensity of focus. This morning he informed me that he wants an “Aero Line Playmobile Airport.” I reminded him that he still needs to write up a Christmas list. It was 6:15 AM. He had not yet eaten or dressed for school, but ran toward the art supplies box in search of pencil and paper. But he didn’t write a list. He drew up a contract. As soon as he realized there was no chance I’d run out right then to secure his coveted airport, he crossed out the line in the middle. What cannot be seen is the line at the very end, which he erased: “… or you’ll be tied to the railroad tracks!” When I asked him why he kept the part about walking the plank, but erased the threat of death by MetroLiner, he said, “I thoug...
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Edumacation Survey
2007-11-15 20:18:00
Is it just that my memory is failing, or was 6th grade math not anywhere near this hard when I was in grade school? Here is a page of Sam’s actual homework: *fears 7th grade*
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Mall Update
2007-11-14 04:54:00
1.) After 27 minutes of stalking and searching, we found a parking spot. 2.) We stopped at the crepe place and purchased very delicious food and/or drink. Three times. (1) Savory crepes. 2) Drinks. 3) Ice cream.) 3.) Abby happily and firmly declared, “When I’m a grownup, I’m going to go to the mall every weekend.” 4.) Hannah did not get to take home her coveted fuzzy purse, Hannah Montana wig, or $49 sweatshirt. 5.) I. Had. Fun. (*gasp*) 6.) Mainly because the girls were in great moods, and because the mall seems to make them want to really girl-bond, in the sense that they want to talk and laugh and be together. Whoa. 7.) We threw pennies in the first floor fountain, from the second floor. 8.) We found a 70%-off-lowest-marked-price sale where the “totally cool shirts” were seven dollars each. 9.) We found a place that sells chocolate. And coffee. And chocolate. 10.) We shopped until Hannah literally dropped. Following the purchase of the $7.00 s...
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Can’t We Just Stay Home and Take A Nap? Comb the Cats? Clean the Frid
2007-11-12 18:59:00
WHINE WARNING: I am minutes from heading out (*sputter*) to the mall (*gaaack*) with my daughters, who have requested a shopping excursion (*hurl*) and still want to go, even though I have assured them that we will not be spending money in excess of $10 on items we don’t need, beyond whatever it costs to eat a mall-type lunch. I am working hard to set aside my own distaste-for-shopping-as-sport, and wondering why my daughters think that the best girl-bonding must include retail activities. I even told them last night that we would not be going unless they cleaned their rooms. Ha! I was certain that this was a brilliant gem of a move on my part, as that will never happen. I have harped on them unsuccessfully for several weeks, but of course, this morning, both rooms were spotless before the coffee was even a glimmer in my eye. Which was actually still closed, along with the other one. Maybe this whole shopping thing isn’t such a bad idea after all. *hides credit cards*
More About: Cats , Home , Clean , Stay , Comb

Hotel Hannah
2007-11-11 16:35:00
One of Hannah ’s most wonderful qualities is her ability to entertain herself. For the past six months, my youngest has played an ongoing and elaborate game of “Hotel .” The living room is the lobby and all other rooms are guest rooms. She is extremely proud of her impressive collection of assorted, actual, old hotel key cards, which she distributes to all family members and playmates upon “check in,” which occurs multiple times per guest whenever anyone is anywhere near the front desk/coffee table. She bickers viciously with her sister over management responsibilities — most days they end up as “co-managers,” but now and again, I’ll find a carefully designed business card or nameplate declaring one employee or the other as “THE ONLY Hotel Manager.” The hospitality business is not for wimps. Recently, I received this notice in my guest room mailbox, which is to say, it was under my pillow. I am confronted with several...

Diva In Training
2007-11-09 19:50:00
When you’re eight years-old and wearing flip-flops in November and cruising the ‘hood with your friends, and then you fall down in a mud puddle and run back to your friend’s house in search of warm running water and dry socks, happiness is… …chicken nuggets and hot chocolate and macaroni and cheese. Note: There is no school today, so there are extra children here. They won’t stay still, so I can’t accurately report how many. As I made lunch today, Hannah’s friend Josie (”Charlotte” in last spring’s Big Theatrical Production) asked, in her best hopeless-and-hungry voice, “How long until the food is ready?” I pretended to be extremely offended, dropped my jaw to show my extreme shock at her question, and said, “You’re so demanding!” Then, I smiled, and answered, “Eight minutes.” Josie widened her eyes to express her extreme need for food RIGHT NOW, and said, “Eight minutes!!?? Oh, CHEEEEEZNIPP...
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He Really Wanted A Chicken Patty
2007-11-08 21:36:00
UPDATE for anyone keeping track of SAM’S EXPERIMENTAL POTTY MOUTH PHASE, which I don’t see ending anytime soon: Sam (suppressing laughter, frowning dramatically for emphasis, and checking my face for a reaction): I hate spaghetti. It makes me angry and pissed. Me (also suppressing laughter): I’m sorry spaghetti has such a negative impact on your mood, Sam. Sam: Yeah. It stinks and sucks. Me: Get over it, bud.
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Overheard at the Dinner Table
2007-11-08 00:10:00
Sam: Hey Abby, do you have a 1:1 aide? Me (to Abby, mouthing words through gritted teeth, with eyebrows raised): Abby! Just. Say. “No.” Abby (laughing): No. Me: Sam, what do 1:1 aides do? Sam: They’re for very special certain people. Me: Why do you have a 1:1 aide? Sam: Because she loves me. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to her. Abby: *snork*
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Revelation
2007-11-06 20:48:00
I was just doing a little blog-housekeeping, and discovered, quite by accident, that virtually all of my recipe posts involve orange food. I find this odd, as I’m fairly certain that I enjoy the full spectrum of food colors, with the possible exception of grey. My dad once became obsessed with carrots and ate so many that the excess beta carotene turned the whites of his eyes yellow. (Okay, not really; it actually turned out that he had hepatitis, but for a while there, the excess carrot thing was his favored and at least somewhat plausible hypothesis. Plus, it illustrates my point, as to my chromosomally-acquired obsessive tendencies, so why should I let reality get in the way of a good analogy?) I don’t think I’m quite this obsessive myself, at least not with food, although my blog content says otherwise. I’ll try to think of a different topic to write about, or at least a different color to cook with eventually, I promise. But for now, I’ll be in t...
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Be Vewy Quiet, I’m Hunting… Cawwots?
2007-11-05 21:08:00
Not exactly worthy of Elmer Fudd, but while it ain’t quite wabbit stew, I did make some politically correct (if you’re a hunted meat product) bunny-friendly soup that Bugs himself might enjoy. That is, if he were real and not a cartoon. Really, I do have some grasp on reality. OK, whatever. Carrot Soup With Ginger and Lemon This is my altered version of a recipe that originally appeared in Bon Appetit. The basic version is a little too sweet for me, so I cut the natural sugar in the carrots with extra lemon juice, and bumped up the spices (garlic, cumin, cayenne pepper) to make it a little more on the savoury side. Sometimes my little kitchen experiments fail miserably, but, oh. This. One. Worked. 2 - 3 TBSP butter 1 medium onion, chopped 1 TBSP finely chopped fresh ginger 1 1/2 tsp minced fresh garlic (1 large clove) 1 tsp cumin 1 1/4 pounds medium carrots*; peeled, chopped (about 3 cups) 2 plum tomatoes; seeded, chopped (about 1 1/3 cups) 1 TBSP grated lemon zest (a...
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A Public Service Announcement from Abby and Hannah
2007-11-02 15:37:00
This is what happens when I leave my camera out on the kitchen counter at kid-eye-level. They take it. They use up the batteries. Sometimes they get it all sticky. However, this is useful tape-slash-horse information they’re providing here, and frankly, what would I write about if my kids were angelic and well-behaved? So there’s that.
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