Why Would I Sleep?

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An Historical Pictorial of Titanic Proportions
2008-01-28 21:30:00
Sam’s explains each frame: 1) iceberg, 2) taking on water, 3) bow deck underwater, 4) boat deck in water, 5) propellers out of water, 6) ship begins to crack, 7) ship splits in three, 8) stern sits normally while bow sinks, 9) stern takes on water, 10) 90 degree angle, 11) final sinking, 12) propellers going underwater, 13) bow planes away (that means sinking fast), 14) ocean floor “S.S. Oops.” Har!
More About: Pictorial , Historical , Titanic

Just Don’t Call Her Late for Dinner
2008-01-26 15:27:00
Hannah (exasperated, with hands on hips): Mom, would you please come downstairs and tell Sam that my middle name is Dorothy? Me: Huh? Hannah: He doesn’t believe me. Me: Well, Hannah, that doesn’t sound like a conversation worth having. You know your middle name is Dorothy. Ignore him. Hannah (turning on her heel, sighing heavily, and bracing for her return to the basement): He just keeps on calling me “Toilet.”
More About: Dinner , Call , Late

When She Says She Loves Her Cats, She Is NOT Kidding
2008-01-20 17:34:00
A page from Abby’s journal: That’s a lot of responsibility for a furry, 13-pound creature who gets high on catnip and cannot speak, but I must say, he gets the job done.
More About: Cats , Kidding

Is It Too Late For Her To Declare Her Candidacy?
2008-01-18 19:46:00
Actual Hannah Quote of the Day: “Mom, did you know that every time I throw a penny in a fountain, I wish for world peace? But before my teacher told me about that, I used to wish I could fly.” I love her. Unrelated Presidential video clip. She could so mop the voting booth floor with all those other numbskulls.
More About: Late , Candidacy , Clar

Spam Update, or, Why Comment Moderation Sometimes Makes Me Giggle
2008-01-17 19:27:00
Actual Spam Comment of the Day (which I am not going to approve, because if I do, then Dr. Dental Spammer will have the run of the place, and all of his comments, which appear in my moderation queue daily, by the way, will actually show up in the comments section, which just ain’t gonna happen, ’cause it’s MY blog, dammit): Dr. Tim0thy Drisc0ll, DDS, or as I prefer to call him, “Dr. BadGrammar and Yet, Still Pedantic”: (who keeps trying to comment waaaaay back here on this old post): “Having a flavored toothpaste is one way of enjoying your brushing experience. However, you should also consider if the toothpaste is rich with flouride and other elements that fights bacteria and cavities.” *snork* Why thank you, Dr. Drisc0ll. I will also consider that.
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Where Are You People Coming From??
2008-01-13 02:27:00
Something on my stats page is driving me crazy. Well, in a good way, but still. Does anyone know WHY this post, two months after the fact, still gets many, many hits? More than any other post? Every single day? Someone, somewhere, must have linked to it, but try as I might, I cannot figure out why, where, or by whom. So, um, thank you? But, please — for curiosity’s sake — where are you coming from?
More About: People

My Intellectual Contribution (So Far) to Presidential Election ‘08
2008-01-09 17:44:00
Yesterday, Dave Barry conducted a little live question and answer session, as part of his on-the-scene coverage of the New Hampshire primary. Common themes included voter trends, change, Cheez-Its, change, possible nicknames for Mike Huckabee and Dick Harpootlian (neither of whom need nicknames, since their real names are already so fun to say out loud) and also change. I submitted several questions, which Dave graciously answered, much to my school-girlish delight. Here’s the intro to the Q&A, as written by a professional-type Miami Herald person and seen on The Herald’s website, followed by my questions and Dave’s responses. Dave Barry is running for President of the United States — but because he is a trained journalism professional, he is also sporadically covering the other, lesser candidates. On Jan. 8, 29 and on future dates that he can’t disclose just yet, he’ll be chatting live from 1-2 p.m. here. That’s right, he’ll actu...
More About: Presidential , Election , Intellectual , Contribution

You Would Think
2008-01-05 05:07:00
… that the arrival of the new year would have inspired me to get back here and write something — ANYTHING — already. However, since the kids returned to school, I’m pretty much just trying to keep up with the laundry and all of the pine needles that continue to rain down on my living room floor, so I have sorely neglected my blogging duties. The ornaments will get packed up tomorrow, which will really piss off Lily, the cat, since she seems to think that the space under the Christmas tree is her own personal forest, which is 1) a fabulous location for napping and 2) was a great place to stop for a drink, at least until I stopped watering it a week and a half ago. I suppose there may be a correlation between the not watering and the Rain of the Pine Needles, which really might be an excellent name for a sad, sad, overly sappy song, but I digress. I can’t promise anything, but I think that once the tree is gone and the living room chairs are returned to...

I Resolve
2007-12-31 15:14:00
… to not resolve a single damn thing, except for the stuff that I’m resolving already. Besides, I already belong to (and go to, even) a gym, I’m nice to my neighbors, I eat green vegetables, drink V8, and I write (almost) every day. My children won’t be better behaved next year, the bathroom sink will not be shinier, I won’t clear out the clutter littering the basement, and I’m sure there will be even more dust bunnies under my couch. However, 2008 will be the best year ever. I believe!

Duh
2007-12-29 05:38:00
Here’s a handy tip for parents who are sick to death of Disney’s High School Musical: Do not, under any circumstances, purchase for your children a game in which the entire purpose is for the players to repeatedly sing, at high volume, all of the songs from High School Musicals I and II and every dang-blasted, happy, happy Disney Channel movie and/or TV show ever made. Also, do NOT purchase a microphone. What terrible, insensitive, unthinking person bought this game for my darling children? Why… it was me, of course!

This Is No Longer Timely, Nor Is It Topical, But I’m Posting It Anywa
2007-12-27 16:54:00
The gingerbread stylings of Hannah, Abby and Sam Christmas Eve letter to Santa, as scribed by Abby Christmas morning, awaiting their official release from the hallway. Please note the absence of daylight.
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Watch this Space
2007-12-24 18:55:00
I really do have a Christmas Eve blog in my head, but I’m too busy wrapping-cooking-baking-gifting-last-minu te-shopping-yelling-at-kids-to-clean-up-t heir-rooms-or-Santa-might-not-show-up to do anything about transporting it from my head to here. I might catch a minute later, but it depends entirely on whether or not I run out of tape or wrapping paper or vanilla extract and need to go out to the store again. If it does all get done without the need for any further last-minute errands, I have promised to give myself the gift of sitting down for a minute or ten. I know. Funny. Ha! Merry Christmas, everyone. Here’s hoping you’re warm and happy and with the people you love.
More About: Watch , Space

Couldn’t the Same Be Said About [Insert Name of Brilliant Mathematici
2007-12-22 21:56:00
This just in from the Math section of Sam’s most recent progress report, as issued on official Special Education Department stationery (I find myself reading the following paragraph over and over, because it makes me giggle, which probably would get me some odd looks from the middle school principal and some of Sam’s teachers, but I can live with that): Progress Report Information: Sam knows what to do with the data, and which data is useful, but he generally wants to immediately solve the problem, and does not list the data unless prompted. Sam requires cueing and support in order to explain his steps in any format. At times, Sam’s answer to a request for an explanation is, “Because that is the right answer.” It is difficult for Sam to explain his reasoning, although his reasoning is usually accurate. So… he can’t explain why, but he’s efficient and confident and right? I think I’m okay with that. Gratuitous Bragging Addendum, ...
More About: Brilliant

I Think There Might Be A Compliment In Here Somewhere
2007-12-21 18:57:00
Abby: Mom, it’s funny how you look so different all the time. During the day, you look like you’re a 26 year-old, but in the morning, you look 42. And at night, you just have messy hair and you look really tired.
More About: Some , Somewhere

A Happy Holidays Personal Fingertip Safety Announcement
2007-12-20 23:21:00
For the many of you who are already dealing with absurd amounts of snow in the driveway, even though it isn’t even winter yet, please click here for a friendly safety reminder.* *Unless you are prone to passing out. (Please consider this your “ewww” warning.) Note: I’m not kidding. Note on the note: No, really. Note on the note’s note: Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
More About: Personal , Holidays , Safety , Happy Holidays , Announcement

All She Wants for Christmas Is A Whole Bunch of Stuff
2007-12-15 20:33:00
Hannah’s Christmas List, as presented to me on two Post-Its. Let’s review. 1) Amacin-girl doll or dolls American Girl doll. 100 bucks a pop. Keep dreamin’, kid. 2) micer fones Microphones. Hannah and her sister have taken to writing, producing and performing various episodes of “The Abby and Hannah Show.” Think Donny and Marie on helium. The microphones, of course, will provide better sound quality. I’ll have to see how much they cost, but I do like to support their creative spirit. 3) A drum set Um. No. 4) A Sled The classic Christmas request. She has forgotten that we already have three. I suspect I could put a bow on one of the inflatable sleds in the basement and call it a gift, and she won’t know the difference. Done. 5) MP3 player Do they make these in Santa’s workshop? 6 and 7) Webkinz body spray and Webkinz trading cards I have to hand it to the Webkinz people for their marketing genius. Webkinz started as a line of little st...
More About: Stuff

I’m Not Kidding, I’m Asking Him for Lottery Numbers
2007-12-13 01:57:00
Some of you who read here regularly may remember that Sam has excellent luck. Unbelievable, really. He wins things. I have never, in any of my 42 years, won anything. Not that I’m bitter. IMPORTANT BACKGROUND ITEM #1: Last year, while begrudgingly attending a performance of his sister’s play, Sam won seventy bucks in a raffle, during intermission. Then when he entered another raffle, a mere two days after the first, amidst concerned, maternal warnings that most buyers of raffle tickets do not actually win anything, especially not twice, he won the coveted half-hour massage gift certificate. I worried about the lesson in all this. Gambling = getting stuff. Argh. Then again, it’s hard to argue with a two-for-two winner. IMPORTANT BACKGROUND ITEM #2: Sam also enjoys lying convincing me of things. For example, when I say, “Sam, I need you to come over here so we can get your homework going!” he likes to point to a spot just behind me and say something excl...
More About: Kidding , Lottery , Numbers , Number

Star vs. Angel
2007-12-09 21:06:00
While I was growing up, an angel always topped our Christmas tree. I continued that tradition in my own house. She has quite a history, this winged lady who comes out of the attic only once every year, and to me, has earned her spot of honor. Our original angel suffered a violent death when our Very Tall Tree fell over a few years ago. Her head and hands were ceramic, so her landing wasn’t pretty. My mom very kindly sent a beautiful new celestial tree chick as a Christmas gift after I told her that we had temporarily replaced the shattered ornament with one of Abby’s finger puppets. I kind of loved that one, actually, but the reborn/replaced “official” angel was nice too. But shortly after that, Sam asked why we didn’t have a star for the top of the tree. He told me that all of the trees in the TV Christmas Specials had stars, and he wanted one too. I explained that yes, lots of people use stars, but we have an angel because… well, because we lik...
More About: Angel , Star

Just Sayin’
2007-12-07 19:40:00
Unfunny Warning: I apologize — this makes two rants in a row. However. This kid. The one who shot up the mall in Omaha and killed eight people. Does anybody else find it utterly horrifying that in spite of things like mall-shooter suicide notes that say, “Now I’ll be famous,” the media STILL insist on showing us pictures of the shooter, rewarding him with exactly what he was after and thereby encouraging the next pathetic, lost, angry soul to seek the same notoriety? Why not just keep the pictures of the infamy-seekers out of it? Why not focus only on the victims? I can’t stand it when I see news stories referring to criminals as “masterminds.” How can we not see that the next guy to go on a rampage would LOVE to receive such a compliment?

Target’s Salute to Educators
2007-12-04 18:49:00
I was just minding my own business, running my usual errands. I rushed through my neighborhood Target in search of paper towels, shampoo and hair clips for the girls, AA batteries for Sam, salty snacks, and a string of Christmas tree lights. And then, in the Holiday section, I saw this ornament and stopped dead in my tracks: I think my jaw actually dropped. I laughed out loud. People looked at me funny. Yes, that is an apostrophe. This kind of crap keeps me up at night. To make matters worse, the copy on the packaging boasts this little beauty: 10% of this purchase price goes to Support our teachers and classrooms. That’s right, the capital letter was right there, taunting me, in the middle of the fricking sentence. It was at the beginning of a second line of text, so some poor sap who dares call him or herself a proofreader felt it was appropriate for some sad reason, but ALL OF THIS, a punctuation and a capitalization error, ON A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT MEANT TO HONOR TEACHERS...
More About: Salute , Educator , Cato

Notes from The Hallway
2007-12-02 05:42:00
1) Sam’s first school dance is history. I am happy to report that I am breathing again. 2) There are no action photos, since the gym was pitch black, with the exception of the occasional migraine-producing strobe light provided by the DJ. 3) If Sam did dance, I’m fairly certain that the dancing was of the jumping up and down variety. 4) He spent more than half his time in the cafeteria, away from the loud music and near the fruit rollups. Sam eating fruit snacks while putting up with his mother and her camera. 5) Girls (many of whom appeared to have tragically collided with their mothers’ makeup bags) outnumbered boys, at least 3:1. 6) More than dancing, the preferred activity of the evening appeared to be walking. Walking the halls, walking to the bathrooms, walking back and forth between the gym (darkness, scent of sweatsocks, extremely loud music) and the cafeteria (snacks, pizza, water bottles.) 7) Helpful Hint #1: If you are the guy assigned with the task of ...
More About: Notes

Friday Night Turn-Up-the-Lights
2007-11-30 19:45:00
Announcement: Tonight I get to be a chaperone at Sam’s very. First. School. Dance. *cue disbelief, tears, and “I remember when you were a baby!” stories* He brought a notice home in his backpack a few weeks ago and declared that he wanted to go. I don’t think he knows what he’s in for, but then, in 6th grade, did anybody? I remember trying to make myself invisible by backing up against a wall with most of the rest of the girls, keeping very busy with pizza and Coke and highly important chit-chat, and trying to look oh-so-cool and entirely comfortable in this painfully awkward and awful situation, so as to have several excuses at all times why I just absolutely could not dance. No, thank you. No. Way. I’m not exactly sure why anybody went in the first place, since, afterall, it was billed as a dance, at which one would expect, one would think, to be, perhaps, dancing. But… N. O. No!!! How embarrassing! Tonight, I’ll be the one hidin...
More About: Night , Friday , Lights , Turn

This Is Why I Exercise
2007-11-30 13:24:00
Again, with the soup. I’m sorry, I can’t help it. I blame both of my grandmothers. Beef Stew with Herbed Dumplings This is my favorite version of a winter beef stew, which is, as far as I’m concerned, one of VERY FEW existing saving graces of cold weather (the others are: 2) ice skating, and 3) hot chocolate.) This stew is very easy to make, but takes its sweet time getting itself cooked. However, the resulting rich, smoky flavor and incredibly tender bites of slow-cooked beef are well worth the time spent within stirring distance. Making the stew: 3 pounds boneless beef chuck, cut into 1-inch cubes 2 TBLS peanut oil 5 thick-sliced bacon strips, chopped (I used Trader Joe’s Applewood Smoked Center Cut Bacon) 3 cups finely chopped onions (3 or 4 medium onions) 3 stalks celery, chopped 3 or 4 cloves fresh garlic, pressed or finely chopped 2 tsp dried thyme 1 bay leaf 5 1/2 cups low-sodium canned beef broth (can sub a cup or two of red wine for some of the broth...
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Huh, I Never Knew
2007-11-28 21:45:00
Sam: Mom, you know what I want for Christmas? Me: What, Sam? Sam: Aqua Dots. Me: They don’t sell those anymore, pal. Sam: Why not? Me: Because they have a chemical in them that causes unconsiousness, drowsiness, seizures, coma and death was making kids sick. Sam: They won’t make ME sick! I was born hydrodynamic*! *Never mind the definition; Sam thinks it means “strong.” When I asked him where he heard that, he said, “Sponge Bob told me.”

Simple Needs
2007-11-27 22:51:00
Life Rule #372: Never pass up an opportunity to toss a penny in a fountain. … sometimes your wishes come true! (Occasionally, in a matter of mere minutes.) Life Rule #373 (according to Abby): On those rare occasions when your mother grants you a tall vanilla creme frappuccino, always request extra whipped cream.
More About: Simple , Needs

Uncle Doug’s Thanksgiving Recipe
2007-11-25 17:15:00
1.) Remove cap from can of whipped cream. 2.) Spray liberally into the mouth of an adorable two year-old. 3.) Be thankful for her extremely tolerant mother, who indulges us by allowing such silliness, even after I insulted her dog. 4.) Repeat.
More About: Thanksgiving , Recipe , Doug , Uncle , Hank

For This, I Give Thanks
2007-11-22 06:13:00
1.) Love 2.) My children and their health 3.) Words 4.) a) Chocolate, b) venti iced quad nonfat cappucinos, and c) mashed potatoes (not necessarily consumed simultaneously) 5.) Outstanding teachers 6.) Four-leaf clovers 7.) Curly-girl hair care products that actually work 8.) Those who value kindness 9.) Big Papi 10.) Laughing until it hurts What are you thankful for?
More About: Give , Hank

Air Travel Envy
2007-11-21 14:45:00
Sam (jealous and pouting): What if I came in without a ticket and I snuck onto the plane? Me: You can’t do that, Sam. Sam: Why not? Me: You’d get arrested at airport security. Sam (smiling): What happens then? Will I get arrested, handcuffed, processed and jailed? Then killed, cemeteried and heavened? Me: No Sam, I’m pretty sure they’ll keep you alive. Sam: Will I still get fruit punch and a cookie? Me: We have those at home, bud.
More About: Travel , Air Travel , Envy

Our Ziploc Bags Are Packed
2007-11-21 00:50:00
Abby and I get to have a little one-on-one, mother/daughter, girl-bonding time! At least, until the plane lands, where we’ll be greeted by my parents, two of my brothers, one extremely tolerant sister-in-law, two nephews, one niece, one sweet old dog, one spoiled-rotten puppy, two cats, and a dead turkey. Tomorrow morning, we will be locked in a sea of humanity at the security gate airport bound, on our way to spend Thanksgiving with my parents, in the town where I grew up. I’ll be busy trolling for open wireless signals while playing hide and seek with my nephews, asking my dad to turn the TV down, and gaining five pounds. Cranberry-orange relish with a side of stuffing, please. PRE-TRAVEL UPDATE: Oh, goodie. 11/21 MORNING UPDATE: We have whipped cream.
More About: Bags

“Hello, Fed Ex? How Much to Deliver a Document to The North Pole?&rdq
2007-11-20 18:22:00
Sam has become an impressively skilled film maker. He uses a video camera, his computer, and every airplane/ship/train model he can find to tell his stories. I can already see the Steven Spielberg potential in his vision and intensity of focus. This morning he informed me that he wants an “Aero Line Playmobile Airport.” I reminded him that he still needs to write up a Christmas list. It was 6:15 AM. He had not yet eaten or dressed for school, but ran toward the art supplies box in search of pencil and paper. But he didn’t write a list. He drew up a contract. As soon as he realized there was no chance I’d run out right then to secure his coveted airport, he crossed out the line in the middle. What cannot be seen is the line at the very end, which he erased: “… or you’ll be tied to the railroad tracks!” When I asked him why he kept the part about walking the plank, but erased the threat of death by MetroLiner, he said, “I thoug...
More About: North , Document , Pole , North Pole