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Summer Pickins
2007-08-05 18:48:00
There are certain summer activities that I have to do at least once every year. All cost less than ten bucks total, and most involve food, preferably grown and/or gathered by my ownself. I finally got around to picking blueberries one day last week. Abby and Sam were otherwise occupied (at a friend’s house and at camp, respectively) so I dragged Hannah along with me, despite her hesitancy due to a newfound, somewhat extreme fear of bees. She was stung on the bottom of her cute little foot at camp a few weeks ago, and while she didn’t seem too upset by it at the time, she has since stopped breathlessly in her tracks and uttered the phrase, “Mom, is there is bee on me?” approximately 487 times while outside engaged in summertime activities. I knew chances were good that she’d get through our picking expedition unstung, so I figured some desensitization training was in order. Of course there was always the possibility that a bee would appear and instantl...
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Summer Earnings
2007-08-02 00:20:00
Hannah and the ice cream man have a special bond. He realized, way back in June, that she would be a regular customer as long as the cash held out. Hannah figured out that even when she can’t soak me for two bucks, she can buy three pieces of bubble gum for a quarter. Even when she’s cashless, sometimes he tosses her some Dubble Bubble anyway. A little extra somethin’ for the regulars always keeps ‘em coming back. Smart ice cream man. Hannah knows that I am not often willing to shell out money for ice cream that costs approximately 80% less when I buy it by the box in the grocery store (I know, bah humbug) but, dang, she looooves her some ice cream truck ice cream. Somehow, it just doesn’t taste the same coming out of the Frigidaire in the basement. She is highly motivated to generate her own ice cream cash stash, so she has spent much of her summer doing this: When this kid runs a lemonade stand, she does not fool around. She understands that simpl...
More About: Summer , Earnings , Earning

Crap, When Did This Happen??
2007-07-26 15:39:00
ODD PROCLAMATION Hannah gyrates her way through the kitchen, frequently and spontaneously breaks into song, and announces that she’s “bringing sexy back.” DISTURBING COMMENT Sam (mumbling, to nobody in particular, immediately following what looks to be a painful, yet highly stylish landing on the Slip -n- Slide: That’s a son of a bitch! RANDOM CONVERSATION Hannah (while stomping up the stairs): ABBY SMEARED LIPSTICK ALL OVER MY SWIMSUIT! Abby (stomping up behind her): THAT’S BECAUSE SHE CALLED ME AN UGLY BEEYOTCH!
More About: Crap

Anyone Know Where I Can Get Little Windshield Wipers Installed On My Sungla
2007-07-23 20:53:00
I went out for a quick bike ride this morning. I didn’t have time for a long one today, but still wanted to sneak in a fast five miles or so before the weather closed my window for the day. I had ridden four when it started to rain. This felt indescribably wonderful. It was only about 65 degrees, but I was at the point during my ride where I’m usually grateful to spot a sprinkler and steer my bike through the spray. Getting completely rain-soaked kept me cool, made me laugh, and caused several passing motorists to shoot me looks suggesting that they thought I might enjoy a warm towel questioned my judgment believed I should pedal directly to the local loony bin. I couldn’t stop yet — this felt too good. I ended up riding nine miles, hanging up the helmet only because the rain was making it difficult to see through my sunglasses (there was no sun to block, but today they functioned as tiny windshields) and because I thought I’d better not push my luck on...
More About: Shield , Where , Winds , Litt

I’m Certain I’m Overthinking This, But Still, I Have This Conve
2007-07-21 16:22:00
I have an industrial sized bottle of Pantene Pro-V Shampoo in my shower stall because, 1) I have been using it forever, 2) it was on sale, and 3) there is no three. On the bottle, just under the brand name, it says “Get up to 85% shinier hair!” So every time I wash my hair, I wonder. Compared to what, exactly? 85% shinier than it was before I washed it? 85% shinier than any other brand could possibly ever make it? 85% shinier than if I shampooed with Comet? Is there a scale of measurement pertaining to hair shininess? Other things are measured in pounds or amperes or kelvins — maybe I missed something? I mean, Google tells me that candelas measure luminosity, but I thought this applied to light, not exactly — light as it reflects off of hair. I personally have never encountered a set of locks with enough stunning brilliance to make me squint and wish for my sunglasses. Who exactly came up with that final measurement, declaring this supposed potential 85% impr...
More About: Thinking , Vert , Cert

Well, It HAS Been Five Whole Days
2007-07-20 14:12:00
MIDDLE CHILD NAMING UPDATE: Kathryn/Abigail/Tiger/Abby informs me that she has changed her mind, and will be going with a combination of her first and middle names, to be uttered as one five-syllable nickname, Abigail-Kathryn, which really rolls right off the tongue, if you ask me.
More About: Days , Whole , Five , Been , Well

The Scent of… Normal?
2007-07-17 14:36:00
Hannah’s room smells like SweetTarts and wet swimsuit. Abby’s room smells like an overturned bottle of Raspberry Vanilla cologne squirted with Love’s Baby Soft. Sam’s room smells like feet. Huh. I must be doing something right.
More About: Normal

Hey, I’m Off the D-List!
2007-07-15 20:36:00
I have always wanted to be a member of the “middle authority group.” I wonder if it comes with dental?
More About: List , The D , D-List

Just Don’t Call Her Late For Dinner
2007-07-15 20:13:00
Henceforth, the child known as Abby, who sometimes prefers to be called Abigail, and fairly recently announced that she was changing her name to Tiger, would now like to be addressed by her middle name, which is Kathryn. Please make a note of it.
More About: Dinner , Call , Late

Post-Friday Spin Class Update
2007-07-13 17:23:00
Pat the Perky Sado-Masochist is the Sovereign Bad-Ass Goddess of Spin . More details to follow, as soon as I catch my breath. (This may take a while.)
More About: Post , Update , Friday , Class

It’s A Control Thing
2007-07-11 23:59:00
I like to sweat. I need it. Exercise is my mental health program, almost entirely. The actual health benefits take a distant second place to the stress relief I get from it. I suppose I’m slightly addicted to the feeling of an elevated heart rate, as well as the fatigued satisfaction that follows a tough workout, but as habits go, I’m sure I could do worse. I used to run when I was in high school and college, but my knees won’t let me anymore. I like the full body workout I can get on an elliptical trainer, and I love my Friday spin classes, taught by Pat the Perky Sadist / NICU Nurse / Bad Ass, who believes in packing her 45-minute classes chuck-full of steep, virtual-muddy hills, and time trials. There are no downhills in her world, and she smiles and laughs her way through class while kicking the butts of all who dare to enter and claim a flywheel. Probably because of this, I recently rediscovered my bike. The actual one, with wheels that touch the ground and...
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Overheard On A Road Trip
2007-07-09 16:26:00
Note: While reading the following transcript, note the utter lack of discipline. I was too busy laughing. In a very parental way, though. Hannah (while unbuckling her seatbelt): I hate this seatbelt! I can’t breathe! I’m not wearing one. Me: Hannah, put it back on. That’s not safe and not smart. If we had an accident, you’d go flying through the windshield. Sam: That would be cool! That’s even excitinger than Abby being tied to a bunch of train tracks! Hannah (rebuckling): Hmph. Sam (while hitting Hannah): Hannah hit me! Hannah: STOP! IT! Sam: Can’t make me. Hannah: You’re a bitch. You’re the only bitch in the car. Sam: I am 0% bitch. You are 100% stupid. Abby (grinning from the far back seat; happily behind the fray): This is entertaining!
More About: Trip , Road Trip , Road

Nothing Says “I Love My Country” Quite Like A Firehose
2007-07-04 22:53:00
Best. Parade. Ever. Sure, it’s got all your standard-issue and required 4th of July parade elements — firetrucks, antique cars, cute kids on bikes, and designated parade participants whose job is to whip candy at spectators’ head. But around here, on July 4th, it’s taken one step further. The firetrucks turn their hoses on the populace. There is massive public retaliation in the form of squirt guns, water balloons, hoses and buckets. My favorite part of the day: identifying parade-goers who don’t know what they’re in for until they’re soaked. (These people are typically wearing leather loafers and holding expensive cameras.) There is no mercy. “You get the lady with the baby! I got the dry guy!” Three sopping children at parade’s end. No, it was not raining.
More About: Country , Love , Like , Thing

Double Digits!
2007-07-02 20:43:00
Happy Birthday to my beautiful Abigail, who turns ten today. She’s celebrating by attending her first day of summer camp, going out to T.G.I. Fridays for a family birthday dinner, and repeatedly asking how many presents she will be receiving. (I have been hard-selling the “less is more” argument, but I’m not sure she’s buying it.) Details to follow, after they happen. Abby takes a field trip to a textile mill while her chaperone/mother makes her smile for the camera Abby, Champion of All Cats, checks out the current feline residents at our local animal shelter
More About: Double , Gits

Geez, I Figured Myself More For A PG-13 Kinda Gal
2007-07-01 16:46:00
This is humiliating. What are YOU rated? Click here to find out, and let me know, please. UPDATE: Southerngirl… I have rating-envy. Here’s what it says about yours: This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words: gay (3x) dead (1x) *snork*
More About: Kinda , Figure

No really, I’m fine!
2007-06-30 05:27:00
I’m sorry I was missing in action this week, but I was actually experiencing life away from the computer. I know, it’s shocking. I got up and out and made it to the airport in time (twice) for a 6-frikkin’-:17 AM flight, I wrote, I read, I listened, I saw bats, I laughed, I swam, I heard incredible music. Experienced real Mexican food. Slurped down Sampled the local tequila. Met and spent time with amazing people, some of whom are enormously talented and creative and funny and beautiful; others who really ought to consider getting reacquainted with their “crazy pills.” Really . Please. I didn’t sleep much. But why would I do that?
More About: Fine , Ally

100?!
2007-06-25 14:56:00
I believe I will treat myself to a trip to Starbucks today, to celebrate the fact that this is my 100th post. Yay me! I might even make it a venti.

Stupid Question of the Day
2007-06-24 22:34:00
Me: Sam, how many pancakes do you want? Sam: All of them!
More About: Question , Stupid , The D

If You’re Bored, You Can Always Make Hats For Your Monkey
2007-06-23 16:53:00
Hannah has always been a kid whose doll-playing style involves stripping off all manufacturer-provided clothes and accessories. Then she makes new ones to take their place. On any given day, my house is filled with somewhat unsettling piles of naked Barbies, and stuffed animals dressed in old socks that have been deconstructed and fashioned into mini-dresses. A few days ago, Hannah declared it to be “Hat Day.” The designer’s descriptions follow each picture. “This is his Charge Hat. He uses it to do stunts, or attack. He wears it like a helmet.” “That’s his Clown Hat, and also a Party Hat. Sometimes he just likes to wear it to school.” “This is a rain hat, a working hat, and a detective hat.” While I found Monkey Hat #1 to be mildly disturbing, as it just screams “Terrorist Haute Couture,” I decided to keep that reaction to myself. I appreciate her focus on versatility, and her impeccable sense of practical ...
More About: Bored , Make , Hats , Always

Bathing Suds Update
2007-06-21 19:33:00
Abby and I sniffed our way through Bath & Body Works yesterday, and I found a new summer favorite (since I can’t be in a Lemon-Lavender mood every day. A girl’s gotta have choices.) Coconut Lime Verbena Shower Gel is my new summer favorite. The very subtle scent falls somewhere between “margarita” and “lazy day at the beach,” both of which are fine by me. And again, while I am in no way compensated for endorsement of these products, if any person associated with BB&N feels inclined to provide me with samples for my own selfish use to distribute to interested parties, I will not object.
More About: Update , Thing , Bathi

Summertime…
2007-06-18 17:29:00
“Summer,” in the “my kids are out of school and bored already and therefore throwing their dirty clothes on the living room floor, building complex K-nex railroad villages on the breakfast table and declaring them permanent installations, accusing each other of stealing valuable Bella Sara cards and hiding them in dresser drawers, arguing about who ate the last packet of instant oatmeal and pushing all my buttons” sense, is exactly four days old. And I’m wondering, would it be considered “bad parenting” if I were to set up a tent in the backyard, toss some cereal and maybe an apple or two out there occasionally, and lock all the doors and windows? Because after four days, we’ve all had plenty of quality time, really.
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Note to Emergency Room Personnel
2007-06-16 15:09:00
When a patient informs you that, despite the local anesthesia, she can feel the sharp needle jabbing as you stitch her knee, do not say, “No, you can’t!” Because she can. And while the needle was not enjoyable, the disbelief as to the sensation of sharp pain was downright infuriating. /end rant P.S. I’m fine. Just slightly irritated and totally embarrassed. Aren’t my kids the ones who are supposed to occasionally require visits to the ER because of their risky, outdoor, childlike activities? I was simply attempting to transport myself by foot from my house to my car. Which involves a walk of approximately 20 feet. This sort of undertaking should not result in bloodshed, four stitches, and a tetanus shot. P.P.S. I am proud of the fact that in spite of falling in an extremely sudden and ungraceful manner, I managed to land with my coffee cup upright. Didn’t spill a drop. Priorities! I’m thinking of walking down the driveway to check the mailb...
More About: Note , Emergency Room , Personnel , Room , Person

I Haven’t Written the Review Yet!
2007-06-13 05:32:00
But here’s Wilbur getting a buttermilk bath… The kids were amazing. Hannah woke up in an emotional heap this morning, and sobbed, “I’m sad we can’t do the play anymore!” She was better after school; I suspect it helped spending the day with all of her similarly depressed barnyard friends. OK — twist my arm — one more clip. In this one, Wilbur finds out why s/he’s being fattened up, so Hannah gets to show off her acting chops (har) in her big “I don’t want to die!” scene. The sound is terrible, but we all know the story anyway, right?
More About: Review , Haven , Written

I Wonder About This Every Single Time I’m In Starbucks
2007-06-11 02:21:00
I have a question, and I promise, I’m really not irritated. I just don’t get it. Why oh WHY is there not a separate line for Starbucks customers who wish to purchase nothing more than the beverage known as “coffee,” so that they can pay, get their drink — which is already ready — and get on with their lives in a timely fashion? Shouldn’t there be an express checkout separate from the people ordering grande half-caf triple two-pump non-fat toffee nut lattes with a toasted turkey sandwich and molasses cookie on the side? I confess — I’m usually a member of Group II. (Those molasses cookies are downright addictive.) But really, wouldn’t an express lane make sense? Fewer people crowding the store when it’s busy, less crankiness amongst the customer base? Or do the Starbucks people want the drip coffee customers to be in the store longer, just in case the extra time standing there may entice them to buy Starbucks tchotchke...
More About: Time , Single , Buck , I Wonder

Zuckerman Barnyard Countdown
2007-06-07 19:48:00
FOUR DAYS, PEOPLE. The big show is on Monday. Up until this week, the kids were practicing in their classroom, but now they have been on The Big Stage twice and parent-produced props are arriving by the carload. All animals, Zuckerman s, and farmhands are atwitter. They will have a full dress rehearsal tomorrow, during school. I asked Hannah if they had practiced their curtain call yet, and she very matter-of-factly said, “Uh huh! And I get to go last.” I shot her a smile and a wide-eyed look, and she said, “Best for last!” Then she proceeded to instruct me on her hair and makeup preferences. Diva Desensitization Training begins on Tuesday.
More About: Erma , Yard , Count , Countdown

Earlobe Update
2007-06-04 23:52:00
Now she feels older. Post video note: Two hours after the fact, Hannah admits to some previously unreported emotional and physical anguish experienced during the hole-punching moment. However, pink sparkly earrings and frequent, small doses of mirror time seem to be making it all worth it.
More About: Update , Earl

Birthday Wrap Up
2007-06-01 06:41:00
Okay, so I lied. Maybe I won’t go into detail regarding Hannah’s birthday celebration, mainly because I have missed the moment and my Adult ADD demands that I move on. However, I can report that she was a very happy birthday kid all day, starting at 4:20 AM when she woke up in search of birthday hoopla. She was thrilled with her presents, despite the fact that a laptop computer did not appear in her pile o’ gifts. She waxed wistful as the sun set on her big day. “Mom, it’s kind of sad when it’s over. It’s funny,” she said, “but eight doesn’t really feel different than seven.” She’s right, of course. On a birthday, one should wake up feeling older, wholly different, more knowledgeable, taller. She expected a *poof!* moment, and was genuinely surprised when there wasn’t one. I considered, but ultimately decided against telling her that the *poof!* thing will happen, albeit with slightly less enthusiastic...
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Happy Birthday, Hannah!
2007-05-30 15:41:00
Sam attempts to overcome his professed and dedicated blind hatred of his little sister, since he knows that tolerance is the only road that leads to cupcakes.
More About: Hannah , Happy , Birthday , Happy Birthday , Hanna

Please Excuse My Absence
2007-05-30 05:51:00
while Hannah turns eight. I spent the last day and a half attending to various birthday duties, including but not limited to gift purchase and wrappage, cupcake and popsicle distribution, and assorted mommy-generated celebratory activitities of a festive nature. Hannah declared it the best birthday ever. Details to follow soon, I promise.
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While I Don’t Know What MacGyver Would Do, Exactly, I’m Certain
2007-05-28 00:06:00
Please excuse my absence this weekend; I have been busy literally throwing my kids in the lake, filling goodwill bags with castoffs from our closets, and hosing down my garden and Abby’s — shall we say — “inappropriately placed” chalk drawings (think side of the shed and swingset… I mean, isn’t it called sidewalk chalk?) So in lieu of actually writing something, I’m going to share one of the funniest parenting stories I have ever read, and pimp a fellow blogger’s blog. I don’t know this person. But as soon as I found her blog, I was hooked. “Chicken and Cheese” is linked over there ===> on my Blogroll, because Mrs. Chicken’s writing is stellar. The woman can tell a story like nobody’s business, and she finds the humor in every imaginable situation (and even some that aren’t.) I first read this post (click on the words “this post” to read it) almost a week ago, and it stuck wit...
More About: Macgyver , While , Would , Cert