Why Would I Sleep?Why Would I Sleep?Mom writes while kids tear the house apart and enjoys the challenge of maintaining correct spelling, grammar and sentence structure while also making dinner and answering questions such as, Mom, why can't I get a bra yet? 
Articles
So Much Kitty Kibble, So Little Time
2007-08-26 02:19:00 I took my neurotic, chirping, one year-old, emergency backup sidekick cat, Lily, to the vet today, for her first annual checkup. She did not appreciate it when I removed her from her sun-drenched post at the front door and unceremoniously stuffed her into her crate, then ran her out to the car and dumped her into the backseat. Certainly, she thought she was being kidnapped (I was going to say “catnapped,” but that means something else entirely) and complained loudly during what must have been an excruciatingly nerve-wracking, seven-minute ride. What’s to become of my water bowl? My fuzzy pink mouse? My luscccious catnip toys? WHO’S WATCHING THE DOOR?? Meow!!! I haven’t used the litterbox yet!!! Lily calmed down slightly once she was out of the car, and she was uncharacteristically cooperative while being pawed (har) on the slippery, metal examination table. She didn’t even flinch during two surprise needle pokes. She is healthy, happy, soft and b... More About: Time , Kitty , Litt
Top 5 Hidden Positives to Returning from 10 days of “Vacation”
2007-08-22 21:52:00 Note: And by “vacation,” I mean time spent away from my place of residence in another state with members of my family who may or may not be complaining about my sub-par cleaning skills (Mom) or reinforcing Sam’s new habit of saying “Hey, get your hand off my ass!” (Uncle Doug) or harboring germs and throwing up on freshly cleaned carpets (two out of Uncle Mike and Aunt Dar’s three kids) or commandeering the remote (Dad.) But we cherish them, really. So as I unpack and regroup and try to get myself in gear while the kids stare at the calendar in disbelief as the summer days dwindle away, it occurs to me that even though many of us paint the end of “vacation” as a bad thing, there is much positive spin to rejoice in. 1. I see the clutter with new eyes. I rarely notice it, but right now, no toy, piece of furniture or odd sock is safe. Who needs all this crap and why does it dominate my house? 2. I am driven to empty and clean the fridge,... More About: Vacation , Days , Hidden , Posi
Back In the Land of the Reliable Wireless Signal…
2007-08-21 06:18:00 … so I’ll return to my regular blogging post shortly. Is summer really over? When did this happen? More About: Wireless , Back , Land , Signal
So Much for Subtlety
2007-08-16 16:20:00 Most visits to my parents include some time with Uncle Doug, seen on this very blog, frequenting the comments section. Abby and Hannah got to sleep over at Uncle Doug’s house one night, while Sam had a “Boys Night” with his cousins at Uncle Mike’s house, which featured sleeping bags, Cheezits, and untold rude noises. Abby and Hannah’s sleepover included wacky latenight movies and evidently, no food (I assumed popcorn and had that detail written in the first draft of this post, but when Uncle Doug complained about my yellow journalism, I deleted it.) Uncle Doug reports that he and the girls lined up on the floor, lying down on their backs to watch the movie. Neither kid wanted to be closest to the stairs leading down to the front door, for fear of “strangers, monsters or marauders of some sort.” Uncle Doug tried to resolve the controversy by bravely offering to take the Danger Position, which resulted in a new controversy, since both Abby a...
A Day At the Waterpark
2007-08-14 21:35:00 Sam gets dumped on Who needs soap? My little poser Three wet kids
Pulse Check
2007-08-14 17:05:00 The Good News: Yes, I am still breathing. The Other News: The new, upgraded, superduper DSL at Mom and Dad’s house is sporadic, and taunts me. Travel tales to follow soon. Or, eventually. Maybe. More About: Check , Puls , Pulse
A Film by Sam
2007-08-10 05:49:00 “The Accident” A stunning, live-action, 12-second film; written, produced, directed and photographed on location by Sam. Acting credits: Victim ……………& hellip;…………&h ellip;……. Sam Sam’s Stunt Double ……………& hellip; Sam Scooter ……………& hellip;…………&h ellip;….. Scooter No animals and/or medium-sized children were harmed during the making of this film. More About: Film
Somebody Hold Me
2007-08-08 22:16:00 How and when — ow, gawd, WHEN?? — did my adorable little 10 year-old daughter change magically from this tiny little person (and really, I look at this preschool picture and I swear she was talking about circle time and learning to ride a bike only the blink of an eye ago): into this so very grown up and beautiful — argh, I’m afraid to say it — pre-teen/young-adultish creature? (And the photo quality stinks because I only had my cell phone crapcam with me, but I’m actually glad it’s blurry) AAAACCCCKKKK!!! I took her to Payless to buy a new pair of flip flops to get her through the summer, and she made a beeline for the women’s size 6 stilettos, using the aisle as her own personal runway until I dragged her from the store. This kid has got the poses, the walk, the attitude. And the LEGS… I mean… Ooohhh. Craaaap! Wasn’t she just kicking off her tiny little baby socks? Begging for Hello Kitty sneakers? Loving he... More About: Hold , Some , Hold Me
The Magic That Is YouTube
2007-08-07 16:52:00 I park my homemade videos at YouTube so that I can post them here. They are needles in a very large haystack, and I assume for the most part that the only people who view them are family and friends who read about them on this very blog. YouTube counts how many times each video is watched. Views on mine have ranged anywhere from 17 up to about 200. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that the video clip of Hannah getting her ears pierced has somehow amassed an enthusiastic YouTube-using tween following? They leave insightful comments such as “Hannah ur so cool” and “LOL my sis made me watch this.” This clip has been viewed 1,593 times. I will not tell Hannah of her fan club. But I do wonder if any of them are available to babysit. More About: Youtube , Magic
Summer Pickins
2007-08-05 18:48:00 There are certain summer activities that I have to do at least once every year. All cost less than ten bucks total, and most involve food, preferably grown and/or gathered by my ownself. I finally got around to picking blueberries one day last week. Abby and Sam were otherwise occupied (at a friend’s house and at camp, respectively) so I dragged Hannah along with me, despite her hesitancy due to a newfound, somewhat extreme fear of bees. She was stung on the bottom of her cute little foot at camp a few weeks ago, and while she didn’t seem too upset by it at the time, she has since stopped breathlessly in her tracks and uttered the phrase, “Mom, is there is bee on me?” approximately 487 times while outside engaged in summertime activities. I knew chances were good that she’d get through our picking expedition unstung, so I figured some desensitization training was in order. Of course there was always the possibility that a bee would appear and instantl... More About: Summer
Summer Earnings
2007-08-02 00:20:00 Hannah and the ice cream man have a special bond. He realized, way back in June, that she would be a regular customer as long as the cash held out. Hannah figured out that even when she can’t soak me for two bucks, she can buy three pieces of bubble gum for a quarter. Even when she’s cashless, sometimes he tosses her some Dubble Bubble anyway. A little extra somethin’ for the regulars always keeps ‘em coming back. Smart ice cream man. Hannah knows that I am not often willing to shell out money for ice cream that costs approximately 80% less when I buy it by the box in the grocery store (I know, bah humbug) but, dang, she looooves her some ice cream truck ice cream. Somehow, it just doesn’t taste the same coming out of the Frigidaire in the basement. She is highly motivated to generate her own ice cream cash stash, so she has spent much of her summer doing this: When this kid runs a lemonade stand, she does not fool around. She understands that simpl... More About: Summer , Earnings , Earning
Crap, When Did This Happen??
2007-07-26 15:39:00 ODD PROCLAMATION Hannah gyrates her way through the kitchen, frequently and spontaneously breaks into song, and announces that she’s “bringing sexy back.” DISTURBING COMMENT Sam (mumbling, to nobody in particular, immediately following what looks to be a painful, yet highly stylish landing on the Slip -n- Slide: That’s a son of a bitch! RANDOM CONVERSATION Hannah (while stomping up the stairs): ABBY SMEARED LIPSTICK ALL OVER MY SWIMSUIT! Abby (stomping up behind her): THAT’S BECAUSE SHE CALLED ME AN UGLY BEEYOTCH! More About: Crap
Anyone Know Where I Can Get Little Windshield Wipers Installed On My Sungla
2007-07-23 20:53:00 I went out for a quick bike ride this morning. I didn’t have time for a long one today, but still wanted to sneak in a fast five miles or so before the weather closed my window for the day. I had ridden four when it started to rain. This felt indescribably wonderful. It was only about 65 degrees, but I was at the point during my ride where I’m usually grateful to spot a sprinkler and steer my bike through the spray. Getting completely rain-soaked kept me cool, made me laugh, and caused several passing motorists to shoot me looks suggesting that they thought I might enjoy a warm towel questioned my judgment believed I should pedal directly to the local loony bin. I couldn’t stop yet — this felt too good. I ended up riding nine miles, hanging up the helmet only because the rain was making it difficult to see through my sunglasses (there was no sun to block, but today they functioned as tiny windshields) and because I thought I’d better not push my luck on... More About: Shield , Where , Winds , Litt
I’m Certain I’m Overthinking This, But Still, I Have This Conve
2007-07-21 16:22:00 I have an industrial sized bottle of Pantene Pro-V Shampoo in my shower stall because, 1) I have been using it forever, 2) it was on sale, and 3) there is no three. On the bottle, just under the brand name, it says “Get up to 85% shinier hair!” So every time I wash my hair, I wonder. Compared to what, exactly? 85% shinier than it was before I washed it? 85% shinier than any other brand could possibly ever make it? 85% shinier than if I shampooed with Comet? Is there a scale of measurement pertaining to hair shininess? Other things are measured in pounds or amperes or kelvins — maybe I missed something? I mean, Google tells me that candelas measure luminosity, but I thought this applied to light, not exactly — light as it reflects off of hair. I personally have never encountered a set of locks with enough stunning brilliance to make me squint and wish for my sunglasses. Who exactly came up with that final measurement, declaring this supposed potential 85% impr... More About: Thinking , Vert , Cert
Well, It HAS Been Five Whole Days
2007-07-20 14:12:00 MIDDLE CHILD NAMING UPDATE: Kathryn/Abigail/Tiger/Abby informs me that she has changed her mind, and will be going with a combination of her first and middle names, to be uttered as one five-syllable nickname, Abigail-Kathryn, which really rolls right off the tongue, if you ask me. More About: Days , Whole , Five , Been , Well
The Scent of… Normal?
2007-07-17 14:36:00 Hannah’s room smells like SweetTarts and wet swimsuit. Abby’s room smells like an overturned bottle of Raspberry Vanilla cologne squirted with Love’s Baby Soft. Sam’s room smells like feet. Huh. I must be doing something right. More About: Normal
Hey, I’m Off the D-List!
2007-07-15 20:36:00 I have always wanted to be a member of the “middle authority group.” I wonder if it comes with dental? More About: List , The D , D-List
Just Don’t Call Her Late For Dinner
2007-07-15 20:13:00 Henceforth, the child known as Abby, who sometimes prefers to be called Abigail, and fairly recently announced that she was changing her name to Tiger, would now like to be addressed by her middle name, which is Kathryn. Please make a note of it. More About: Dinner , Call , Late
Post-Friday Spin Class Update
2007-07-13 17:23:00 Pat the Perky Sado-Masochist is the Sovereign Bad-Ass Goddess of Spin . More details to follow, as soon as I catch my breath. (This may take a while.) More About: Post , Update , Friday , Class
It’s A Control Thing
2007-07-11 23:59:00 I like to sweat. I need it. Exercise is my mental health program, almost entirely. The actual health benefits take a distant second place to the stress relief I get from it. I suppose I’m slightly addicted to the feeling of an elevated heart rate, as well as the fatigued satisfaction that follows a tough workout, but as habits go, I’m sure I could do worse. I used to run when I was in high school and college, but my knees won’t let me anymore. I like the full body workout I can get on an elliptical trainer, and I love my Friday spin classes, taught by Pat the Perky Sadist / NICU Nurse / Bad Ass, who believes in packing her 45-minute classes chuck-full of steep, virtual-muddy hills, and time trials. There are no downhills in her world, and she smiles and laughs her way through class while kicking the butts of all who dare to enter and claim a flywheel. Probably because of this, I recently rediscovered my bike. The actual one, with wheels that touch the ground and... More About: Control , Thing
Overheard On A Road Trip
2007-07-09 16:26:00 Note: While reading the following transcript, note the utter lack of discipline. I was too busy laughing. In a very parental way, though. Hannah (while unbuckling her seatbelt): I hate this seatbelt! I can’t breathe! I’m not wearing one. Me: Hannah, put it back on. That’s not safe and not smart. If we had an accident, you’d go flying through the windshield. Sam: That would be cool! That’s even excitinger than Abby being tied to a bunch of train tracks! Hannah (rebuckling): Hmph. Sam (while hitting Hannah): Hannah hit me! Hannah: STOP! IT! Sam: Can’t make me. Hannah: You’re a bitch. You’re the only bitch in the car. Sam: I am 0% bitch. You are 100% stupid. Abby (grinning from the far back seat; happily behind the fray): This is entertaining! More About: Trip , Road Trip , Road
Nothing Says “I Love My Country” Quite Like A Firehose
2007-07-04 22:53:00 Best. Parade. Ever. Sure, it’s got all your standard-issue and required 4th of July parade elements — firetrucks, antique cars, cute kids on bikes, and designated parade participants whose job is to whip candy at spectators’ head. But around here, on July 4th, it’s taken one step further. The firetrucks turn their hoses on the populace. There is massive public retaliation in the form of squirt guns, water balloons, hoses and buckets. My favorite part of the day: identifying parade-goers who don’t know what they’re in for until they’re soaked. (These people are typically wearing leather loafers and holding expensive cameras.) There is no mercy. “You get the lady with the baby! I got the dry guy!” Three sopping children at parade’s end. No, it was not raining. More About: Country , Love , Like , Thing
Double Digits!
2007-07-02 20:43:00 Happy Birthday to my beautiful Abigail, who turns ten today. She’s celebrating by attending her first day of summer camp, going out to T.G.I. Fridays for a family birthday dinner, and repeatedly asking how many presents she will be receiving. (I have been hard-selling the “less is more” argument, but I’m not sure she’s buying it.) Details to follow, after they happen. Abby takes a field trip to a textile mill while her chaperone/mother makes her smile for the camera Abby, Champion of All Cats, checks out the current feline residents at our local animal shelter More About: Double , Gits
Geez, I Figured Myself More For A PG-13 Kinda Gal
2007-07-01 16:46:00 This is humiliating. What are YOU rated? Click here to find out, and let me know, please. UPDATE: Southerngirl… I have rating-envy. Here’s what it says about yours: This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words: gay (3x) dead (1x) *snork* More About: Kinda , Figure
No really, I’m fine!
2007-06-30 05:27:00 I’m sorry I was missing in action this week, but I was actually experiencing life away from the computer. I know, it’s shocking. I got up and out and made it to the airport in time (twice) for a 6-frikkin’-:17 AM flight, I wrote, I read, I listened, I saw bats, I laughed, I swam, I heard incredible music. Experienced real Mexican food. Slurped down Sampled the local tequila. Met and spent time with amazing people, some of whom are enormously talented and creative and funny and beautiful; others who really ought to consider getting reacquainted with their “crazy pills.” Really . Please. I didn’t sleep much. But why would I do that? More About: Fine , Ally
100?!
2007-06-25 14:56:00 I believe I will treat myself to a trip to Starbucks today, to celebrate the fact that this is my 100th post. Yay me! I might even make it a venti.
Stupid Question of the Day
2007-06-24 22:34:00 Me: Sam, how many pancakes do you want? Sam: All of them! More About: Question , Stupid , The D
If You’re Bored, You Can Always Make Hats For Your Monkey
2007-06-23 16:53:00 Hannah has always been a kid whose doll-playing style involves stripping off all manufacturer-provided clothes and accessories. Then she makes new ones to take their place. On any given day, my house is filled with somewhat unsettling piles of naked Barbies, and stuffed animals dressed in old socks that have been deconstructed and fashioned into mini-dresses. A few days ago, Hannah declared it to be “Hat Day.” The designer’s descriptions follow each picture. “This is his Charge Hat. He uses it to do stunts, or attack. He wears it like a helmet.” “That’s his Clown Hat, and also a Party Hat. Sometimes he just likes to wear it to school.” “This is a rain hat, a working hat, and a detective hat.” While I found Monkey Hat #1 to be mildly disturbing, as it just screams “Terrorist Haute Couture,” I decided to keep that reaction to myself. I appreciate her focus on versatility, and her impeccable sense of practical ... More About: Bored , Make , Hats , Always
Bathing Suds Update
More articles from this author:2007-06-21 19:33:00 Abby and I sniffed our way through Bath & Body Works yesterday, and I found a new summer favorite (since I can’t be in a Lemon-Lavender mood every day. A girl’s gotta have choices.) Coconut Lime Verbena Shower Gel is my new summer favorite. The very subtle scent falls somewhere between “margarita” and “lazy day at the beach,” both of which are fine by me. And again, while I am in no way compensated for endorsement of these products, if any person associated with BB&N feels inclined to provide me with samples for my own selfish use to distribute to interested parties, I will not object. More About: Update , Thing , Bathi 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 |
|
 |
|
 |
