Why Would I Sleep?

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It’s A Control Thing
2007-07-11 23:59:00
I like to sweat. I need it. Exercise is my mental health program, almost entirely. The actual health benefits take a distant second place to the stress relief I get from it. I suppose I’m slightly addicted to the feeling of an elevated heart rate, as well as the fatigued satisfaction that follows a tough workout, but as habits go, I’m sure I could do worse. I used to run when I was in high school and college, but my knees won’t let me anymore. I like the full body workout I can get on an elliptical trainer, and I love my Friday spin classes, taught by Pat the Perky Sadist / NICU Nurse / Bad Ass, who believes in packing her 45-minute classes chuck-full of steep, virtual-muddy hills, and time trials. There are no downhills in her world, and she smiles and laughs her way through class while kicking the butts of all who dare to enter and claim a flywheel. Probably because of this, I recently rediscovered my bike. The actual one, with wheels that touch the ground and...
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Overheard On A Road Trip
2007-07-09 16:26:00
Note: While reading the following transcript, note the utter lack of discipline. I was too busy laughing. In a very parental way, though. Hannah (while unbuckling her seatbelt): I hate this seatbelt! I can’t breathe! I’m not wearing one. Me: Hannah, put it back on. That’s not safe and not smart. If we had an accident, you’d go flying through the windshield. Sam: That would be cool! That’s even excitinger than Abby being tied to a bunch of train tracks! Hannah (rebuckling): Hmph. Sam (while hitting Hannah): Hannah hit me! Hannah: STOP! IT! Sam: Can’t make me. Hannah: You’re a bitch. You’re the only bitch in the car. Sam: I am 0% bitch. You are 100% stupid. Abby (grinning from the far back seat; happily behind the fray): This is entertaining!
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Nothing Says “I Love My Country” Quite Like A Firehose
2007-07-04 22:53:00
Best. Parade. Ever. Sure, it’s got all your standard-issue and required 4th of July parade elements — firetrucks, antique cars, cute kids on bikes, and designated parade participants whose job is to whip candy at spectators’ head. But around here, on July 4th, it’s taken one step further. The firetrucks turn their hoses on the populace. There is massive public retaliation in the form of squirt guns, water balloons, hoses and buckets. My favorite part of the day: identifying parade-goers who don’t know what they’re in for until they’re soaked. (These people are typically wearing leather loafers and holding expensive cameras.) There is no mercy. “You get the lady with the baby! I got the dry guy!” Three sopping children at parade’s end. No, it was not raining.
More About: Country , Love , Like , Thing

Double Digits!
2007-07-02 20:43:00
Happy Birthday to my beautiful Abigail, who turns ten today. She’s celebrating by attending her first day of summer camp, going out to T.G.I. Fridays for a family birthday dinner, and repeatedly asking how many presents she will be receiving. (I have been hard-selling the “less is more” argument, but I’m not sure she’s buying it.) Details to follow, after they happen. Abby takes a field trip to a textile mill while her chaperone/mother makes her smile for the camera Abby, Champion of All Cats, checks out the current feline residents at our local animal shelter
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Geez, I Figured Myself More For A PG-13 Kinda Gal
2007-07-01 16:46:00
This is humiliating. What are YOU rated? Click here to find out, and let me know, please. UPDATE: Southerngirl… I have rating-envy. Here’s what it says about yours: This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words: gay (3x) dead (1x) *snork*
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No really, I’m fine!
2007-06-30 05:27:00
I’m sorry I was missing in action this week, but I was actually experiencing life away from the computer. I know, it’s shocking. I got up and out and made it to the airport in time (twice) for a 6-frikkin’-:17 AM flight, I wrote, I read, I listened, I saw bats, I laughed, I swam, I heard incredible music. Experienced real Mexican food. Slurped down Sampled the local tequila. Met and spent time with amazing people, some of whom are enormously talented and creative and funny and beautiful; others who really ought to consider getting reacquainted with their “crazy pills.” Really . Please. I didn’t sleep much. But why would I do that?
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100?!
2007-06-25 14:56:00
I believe I will treat myself to a trip to Starbucks today, to celebrate the fact that this is my 100th post. Yay me! I might even make it a venti.

Stupid Question of the Day
2007-06-24 22:34:00
Me: Sam, how many pancakes do you want? Sam: All of them!
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If You’re Bored, You Can Always Make Hats For Your Monkey
2007-06-23 16:53:00
Hannah has always been a kid whose doll-playing style involves stripping off all manufacturer-provided clothes and accessories. Then she makes new ones to take their place. On any given day, my house is filled with somewhat unsettling piles of naked Barbies, and stuffed animals dressed in old socks that have been deconstructed and fashioned into mini-dresses. A few days ago, Hannah declared it to be “Hat Day.” The designer’s descriptions follow each picture. “This is his Charge Hat. He uses it to do stunts, or attack. He wears it like a helmet.” “That’s his Clown Hat, and also a Party Hat. Sometimes he just likes to wear it to school.” “This is a rain hat, a working hat, and a detective hat.” While I found Monkey Hat #1 to be mildly disturbing, as it just screams “Terrorist Haute Couture,” I decided to keep that reaction to myself. I appreciate her focus on versatility, and her impeccable sense of practical ...
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Bathing Suds Update
2007-06-21 19:33:00
Abby and I sniffed our way through Bath & Body Works yesterday, and I found a new summer favorite (since I can’t be in a Lemon-Lavender mood every day. A girl’s gotta have choices.) Coconut Lime Verbena Shower Gel is my new summer favorite. The very subtle scent falls somewhere between “margarita” and “lazy day at the beach,” both of which are fine by me. And again, while I am in no way compensated for endorsement of these products, if any person associated with BB&N feels inclined to provide me with samples for my own selfish use to distribute to interested parties, I will not object.
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Summertime…
2007-06-18 17:29:00
“Summer,” in the “my kids are out of school and bored already and therefore throwing their dirty clothes on the living room floor, building complex K-nex railroad villages on the breakfast table and declaring them permanent installations, accusing each other of stealing valuable Bella Sara cards and hiding them in dresser drawers, arguing about who ate the last packet of instant oatmeal and pushing all my buttons” sense, is exactly four days old. And I’m wondering, would it be considered “bad parenting” if I were to set up a tent in the backyard, toss some cereal and maybe an apple or two out there occasionally, and lock all the doors and windows? Because after four days, we’ve all had plenty of quality time, really.
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Note to Emergency Room Personnel
2007-06-16 15:09:00
When a patient informs you that, despite the local anesthesia, she can feel the sharp needle jabbing as you stitch her knee, do not say, “No, you can’t!” Because she can. And while the needle was not enjoyable, the disbelief as to the sensation of sharp pain was downright infuriating. /end rant P.S. I’m fine. Just slightly irritated and totally embarrassed. Aren’t my kids the ones who are supposed to occasionally require visits to the ER because of their risky, outdoor, childlike activities? I was simply attempting to transport myself by foot from my house to my car. Which involves a walk of approximately 20 feet. This sort of undertaking should not result in bloodshed, four stitches, and a tetanus shot. P.P.S. I am proud of the fact that in spite of falling in an extremely sudden and ungraceful manner, I managed to land with my coffee cup upright. Didn’t spill a drop. Priorities! I’m thinking of walking down the driveway to check the mailb...
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I Haven’t Written the Review Yet!
2007-06-13 05:32:00
But here’s Wilbur getting a buttermilk bath… The kids were amazing. Hannah woke up in an emotional heap this morning, and sobbed, “I’m sad we can’t do the play anymore!” She was better after school; I suspect it helped spending the day with all of her similarly depressed barnyard friends. OK — twist my arm — one more clip. In this one, Wilbur finds out why s/he’s being fattened up, so Hannah gets to show off her acting chops (har) in her big “I don’t want to die!” scene. The sound is terrible, but we all know the story anyway, right?
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I Wonder About This Every Single Time I’m In Starbucks
2007-06-11 02:21:00
I have a question, and I promise, I’m really not irritated. I just don’t get it. Why oh WHY is there not a separate line for Starbucks customers who wish to purchase nothing more than the beverage known as “coffee,” so that they can pay, get their drink — which is already ready — and get on with their lives in a timely fashion? Shouldn’t there be an express checkout separate from the people ordering grande half-caf triple two-pump non-fat toffee nut lattes with a toasted turkey sandwich and molasses cookie on the side? I confess — I’m usually a member of Group II. (Those molasses cookies are downright addictive.) But really, wouldn’t an express lane make sense? Fewer people crowding the store when it’s busy, less crankiness amongst the customer base? Or do the Starbucks people want the drip coffee customers to be in the store longer, just in case the extra time standing there may entice them to buy Starbucks tchotchke...
More About: Time , Single , Buck , I Wonder

Zuckerman Barnyard Countdown
2007-06-07 19:48:00
FOUR DAYS, PEOPLE. The big show is on Monday. Up until this week, the kids were practicing in their classroom, but now they have been on The Big Stage twice and parent-produced props are arriving by the carload. All animals, Zuckerman s, and farmhands are atwitter. They will have a full dress rehearsal tomorrow, during school. I asked Hannah if they had practiced their curtain call yet, and she very matter-of-factly said, “Uh huh! And I get to go last.” I shot her a smile and a wide-eyed look, and she said, “Best for last!” Then she proceeded to instruct me on her hair and makeup preferences. Diva Desensitization Training begins on Tuesday.
More About: Erma , Yard , Count , Countdown

Earlobe Update
2007-06-04 23:52:00
Now she feels older. Post video note: Two hours after the fact, Hannah admits to some previously unreported emotional and physical anguish experienced during the hole-punching moment. However, pink sparkly earrings and frequent, small doses of mirror time seem to be making it all worth it.
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Birthday Wrap Up
2007-06-01 06:41:00
Okay, so I lied. Maybe I won’t go into detail regarding Hannah’s birthday celebration, mainly because I have missed the moment and my Adult ADD demands that I move on. However, I can report that she was a very happy birthday kid all day, starting at 4:20 AM when she woke up in search of birthday hoopla. She was thrilled with her presents, despite the fact that a laptop computer did not appear in her pile o’ gifts. She waxed wistful as the sun set on her big day. “Mom, it’s kind of sad when it’s over. It’s funny,” she said, “but eight doesn’t really feel different than seven.” She’s right, of course. On a birthday, one should wake up feeling older, wholly different, more knowledgeable, taller. She expected a *poof!* moment, and was genuinely surprised when there wasn’t one. I considered, but ultimately decided against telling her that the *poof!* thing will happen, albeit with slightly less enthusiastic...
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Happy Birthday, Hannah!
2007-05-30 15:41:00
Sam attempts to overcome his professed and dedicated blind hatred of his little sister, since he knows that tolerance is the only road that leads to cupcakes.
More About: Hannah , Happy , Birthday , Happy Birthday , Hanna

Please Excuse My Absence
2007-05-30 05:51:00
while Hannah turns eight. I spent the last day and a half attending to various birthday duties, including but not limited to gift purchase and wrappage, cupcake and popsicle distribution, and assorted mommy-generated celebratory activitities of a festive nature. Hannah declared it the best birthday ever. Details to follow soon, I promise.
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While I Don’t Know What MacGyver Would Do, Exactly, I’m Certain
2007-05-28 00:06:00
Please excuse my absence this weekend; I have been busy literally throwing my kids in the lake, filling goodwill bags with castoffs from our closets, and hosing down my garden and Abby’s — shall we say — “inappropriately placed” chalk drawings (think side of the shed and swingset… I mean, isn’t it called sidewalk chalk?) So in lieu of actually writing something, I’m going to share one of the funniest parenting stories I have ever read, and pimp a fellow blogger’s blog. I don’t know this person. But as soon as I found her blog, I was hooked. “Chicken and Cheese” is linked over there ===> on my Blogroll, because Mrs. Chicken’s writing is stellar. The woman can tell a story like nobody’s business, and she finds the humor in every imaginable situation (and even some that aren’t.) I first read this post (click on the words “this post” to read it) almost a week ago, and it stuck wit...
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In the Interest of Self Amusement
2007-05-26 18:44:00
The Blog Stats page is one of my favorite things about WordPress. It appeals to my inner geek, allowing me to see how many of you read what I write here, which posts you’re interested in, and where you’re coming from. I can analyze readership trends, read what you’re writing, and provide stalker information to local law enforcement officials. It’s a very handy tool. The “Search Engine Terms” section is my favorite part of the spy page. If an unsuspecting reader or two happen upon my blog by innocently searching for some topic such as kids or pork or legos, I get to see exactly what search terms were typed to steer said searchers here. I feel sorry for these people. I imagine some goodhearted, kind, perhaps even slightly panicked person searching for legitimate WebMD or child-rearing information, and landing instead here in the land of hair growth formula, gaseous emissions, and bodily injury. Following is a list of actual search engine terms that ...
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The Promised 4th Grade Blond Boyfriend Post Has Been Cancelled
2007-05-23 16:11:00
…because said boyfriend broke up with Abby yesterday. For the third time, actually. I like this kid. He is sweet, polite, funny and easy to have around. But he made Abby cry, so I’m mad at him. I admire his shameless tactics, though. Fourth Grade Blond Boyfriend got a ticket to Shrek the Third, Skittles, and some movie nachos out of the deal before moving on to Abby’s best friend, his third girlfriend in a month.* Abby was sad yesterday, arriving home from school with red-streaked cheeks and a serious case of the blahs, but was back to her usual hyper-chatty self in time to watch the big American Idol finale (Blake?? Blake is still there??) and spoke very positively about her desire to move to a new town and get a fresh start. *For those keeping score at home: 4th Grade Blond Boyfriend (4GBB) first came into the picture while he was “dating” Abby’s Preschool Best Friend — Girl #1 (APBF-1.) He broke up with her, while waiting for the sch...
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983,394
2007-05-19 16:10:00
That’s how many blogs exist on WordPress. I look for that number every time I log on, because I wonder when it’s going to hit a million, and what will happen once it does. Several days ago, it suddenly occurred to me that there might be some sort of pomp, maybe even circumstance, once the blog counter rolls over that ginormous number. Will there be a party? Fireworks? Cake? Will the millionth bloglit get a bottle of screen cleaner? Maybe a gift certificate from Stop & Shop for a week’s worth of produce? Free publicity?? I’m tempted to start new blogs every day just so that maybe I could be the millionth. Except that I don’t, because I’m really just trying to keep up with this one. But really, I want to see what happens. There could be a Major Award involved. Update: Now it’s at 984,809. So sign up! You never know.

ATTENTION LOVERS OF LEMONGRASS AND LAVENDER
2007-05-18 21:07:00
Someone really ought to pay me for this stuff, but they don’t,* so please consider this a public service announcement. When you are in a very bad mood because it’s raining and the kids have filled the couch cushions with Rice Krispies again, and there’s no tequila left because you drank it last week after your youngest daughter broke your new Razr phone in two, and the cat just puked in your gym bag, trust me when I tell you that if you get in the shower with this stuff, you will relocate the happy. *But if the nice people from Dani happen to stumble across this post, a bottle or two of your outrageously expensive dangerously addictive shower gel would suffice nicely, really. (Lemongrass-lavender, please. You know, just like it says right up there in the title.) /end girly post
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Dare to Dream, Blondie
2007-05-16 07:07:00
Hannah’s 8th birthday is in exactly two weeks. Ten days ago, she declared that “the packages” really should be arriving soon. I must have looked confused, because she went on to explain that many presents must be making their way to our house via UPS truck since it was, afterall, getting very close to her birthday. I felt the urge to manage her expectations so that she wouldn’t be crushed when her mounds of gifts don’t arrive as expected, so I told her that maybe she’ll get one or two mailed packages, max, from her grandparents. I suggested that she might consider, at some point, putting together a wish list so that Her People might have some idea about what she might like to receive on her birthday. Tonight, she wrote this: Translation: Owl Shining Star Penguin Shining Star iPod Nano (oh, like that’s gonna happen) Uncle Doug (he did appear once; in fact, he jumped out of a box, having driven ten hours to join us on her birthday, so I&rsq...
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Fortunately, Nobody Was Injured
2007-05-15 14:11:00
Sam re-enacts this scene several times daily, always using the same words, timing, and tonality. The first time he did it, I thought he’d be upset about the broken airplane, but evidently the fun is in the rebuilding. He patiently rebuilds it after each “landing” and enthusiastically sets up for the next crash. Sam serves as camera man, director and voice talent, and his bedroom works well as a soundstage. Watch carefully for glimpses of dirty laundry, old homework, and half-empty juice boxes.
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Caption Contest
2007-05-15 05:35:00
Oh no…. what happened here? Please write the caption. Winner gets a prize.* *Prize to be determined; could possibly be a stuffed cow with very slight fang damage.
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Tastes Like Summer
2007-05-14 06:23:00
Hey, I haven’t written a recipe post in a long time! But I got inspired this weekend. When it’s cold, I make soup, but when spring sprouts and the sun gets warm, I crave fresh strawberries, still warm from the sun, garden tomatoes, anything involving basil, and my mom’s Black Bean Salad. I make it almost weekly throughout the summer, and never get tired of it. It’s one of those “I don’t need to look at the recipe anymore because I know all the ingredients” kind of recipes, although occasionally, I’ll realize a day after mixing some up that I forgot a thing or two. It always works, though. Two of my kids won’t go near it, of course (because it has vegetables and stuff… ew!) But Abby loves it, and we bond over every bowl. Black Bean Salsa Salad 2 15 oz. cans black beans, drained and rinsed 2 cups sweet corn kernels; either frozen (the Trader Joe’s kind is gooood) or from 3 ears of fresh corn 1 red pepper, finely diced...
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Happy Mother’s Day!
2007-05-13 17:03:00
Hannah skipped toward me this morning with a large grin on her face and informed me that I was, under no circumstances, allowed to get up. I said, “Hannah, you realize that if I don’t get up, you won’t get any bacon, right?” She considered this quandary very carefully before saying, “Nope! You have to stay in bed.” She made toast — all by her big seven year-old self — and brought it to me with pomp, circumstance, and a big “ta da!” flourish. Then she showered me with gifts; all things that she made herself. This was her Mother ’s Day masterpiece, which was presented rolled up, wrapped in gold paper, and tied with a curly ribbon. The picture shows the house and front yard, with details of the garden, where I have spent a lot of time lately. Sam and Abby were sweet with hugs and Happy Mother’s Day wishes, but evidently are too cool to make stuff for me anymore. *sniff*
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Nutrition According to Hannah: Why Cheez-Its Make An Excellent Breakfast
2007-05-11 17:48:00
Friday morning, 7:28 AM Me: Hannah , have you eaten any real breakfast yet? Hannah: Mom, I was reading the side of the box and Cheezits have Vitamin A… Iron… ooo, they have Vitamin C! Me: Hm… the box has the words Vitamin A and Vitamin C on it, but look, do you see the numbers next to them? Hannah (looking): It says… 0%. What does that mean? Me: It means you still need to eat some breakfast. Hannah (still reading, optimistic that she can still make her case): It says it has sodium! Is that good? Me: How ’bout Cheerios and a banana? Hannah: Can I still have a banana smoothie after school? Me: Yes. Now gimme the box. Hannah: *sigh* UPDATE:
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