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Jihadi Minister Identifies Soft Targets
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Education vandal and Minister Dr Brendan Nelson has begun an ideological jihad through schools across Australia, insisting on a return to nineteenth century texts and regular savage beatings.
More About: Soft

Counter-terrorism legislation to end counter-terrorism legislation debate
2007-08-28 00:00:00
An agreement on new counter-terrorism measures by the Australian Commonwealth and state and territory governments will see totalitarian instruments of control and detention introduced across the country in order to prevent future opposition to counter-terrorism measures.
More About: Terrorism , Debate , Legislation , Counter , Legi

Schapelle sentenced to 20 years of leafy kiff
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Twenty-seven year old Australian Schapelle Corby was today sentenced in a Bali courtroom to 20 years in prison for the export of marijuana into Indonesia, leaving her family in shock, and many Australians calling for the raising of a posse.
More About: Years , Sentenced , Year , Ears , Chapelle

Grenade Kills Bush in Most Other Universes
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Billions of concerned humans around the world are tonight considering what might have been, with revelations a grenade tossed idly at Untied States President George W Bush last Wednesday in a moment of irritation by a Georgian passer-by only failed to detonate because of mechanical failure.
More About: Verses , Nade , Univers

Australia reserves right to slight foreign dignitaries
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The Australia n Government reserves the right to insult foreign leaders, and will not apologise for the policy, according to Fore ign Minister Alexander Downer, despite strident criticism from Papua Niugini's Prime Minister Sir Michael Somare after he was forced to remove his shoes at Brisbane Airport for a security check
More About: Reserves , Reign

Shalom Sharon.
2007-08-28 00:00:00
In news just to hand Israeli President Ariel Sharon has this morning reportedly suffered a brain haemhorrhage and been admitted to hospital for urgent treatment.Senior figures within the Knesset have warned any further explosions within the ailing Prime Minister's skull will result in immediate retribution, with Israeli forces standing ready to launch helicopter gunship and missile attacks.
More About: Shalom

MI6, CIA Put Out by Timely Shrine Bombing
2007-08-28 00:00:00
With Iraq on the brink of a sectarian civil war following this week's bombing of the Shrine of the Hidden Imam in Samara, sinister Mossad operatives, smooth talking MI6 spooks, and CIA chiefs in the United States are today annoyed and sour-faced, wearing expressions of mild distaste and indulging in petulant displays of irritation that drive underlings into abject humiliation and only contribute in a small way to repairing damaged pride. After at least 1300 deaths resulting from retaliatory attacks in the days since the bombing, foreign leaders and military commanders are clearly angry at the hidden perpetrators, not least because the timely bombing has disrupted CIA, Mossad, and MI6 nation-building plans for Iraq that included an identical explosion in Samarra aimed at diverting attention from the Coalition's role in the recent misfortunes of the once great Arab nation.
More About: Bombing , Bing

Several US Citizens Slightly Hurt
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Several citizens of the United States have been slightly hurt today in a devastating accident in Delaware, Maine. Others who witnessed the horrific disaster that has become headline news across the world say they were 'shocked', 'surprised', and 'worried', when a shopping trolley filled with Oreos, Twinkies, and other high-fat, sugary name-brand products rolled past aisle 6 towards the checkouts. The trolley continued on its path of destruction, colliding with a man in his forties, a mother of 51 and her 22-year-old son.
More About: Hurt , Citizen

Ou est Tintin?
2007-08-28 00:00:00
After four long years of the United States' occupation of Iraq and with reports now reaching even the US public of escalating sectarian violence and daily attacks against the occupation forces, many questions remain unanswered and many uncertainties remain. Among them perhaps the most vital foreign policy question - for the West, and for the people of Iraq - ou est Tintin ?

Fuck With The British, Sir, At Your Peril
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The US Revolutionary War ended in 1783, since which time the British have appeared unable to gain redress from the upstart colony. But 200 years after French support of American troops led to ignominious defeat for the Empire the United States is committed to continued force extension in Iraq for the foreseeable future. Now a transcript obtained by our intrepid researchers of audio recorded during a recent infraction at a military installation in Maine has shed light on British operations that appear to be the first moves in the second phase of the prematurely named War of Independence.
More About: Peri , Fuck

Legislative Hurdle for New Humans
2007-08-28 00:00:00
New humans coming into existence in Australia face additional legislative hurdles following passage of a Bill through Parliament that approves the creation of embryos specifically for scientific research and medical experimentation.
More About: Humans , Legi , Mans

Oculube Threat Worsens as National Security Council Meets
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The oculube crisis has worsened rapidly in recent days as senior ministers are hastily recalled from a three week House of Representatives recess for a National Security Council meeting to be held in a bunker deep beneath Parliament House in Canberra.
More About: National Security , Security Council

Disinformation Heightened
2007-08-28 00:00:00
A malicious disinformation campaign that has successfully displaced other current affairs from front pages in recent days continues to perturb editors and readers alike, with constant media reference to the spurious misinformation generating further media copy
More About: Disinformation , Eight

Disinformation Campaign Makes Headlines
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Media industry sources say they cannot identify the specific target of an emerging disinformation campaign now making headlines online, in print, and on broadcast media around the world,
More About: Campaign , Headlines , Disinformation , Headline

All to Die in War on Terror
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Despite claims from a visiting US academic that the 'War on Terror ' is based on an erroneous misunderstanding of the motivations of Islamic militants, Australian ministers have reassured the public that the long fight against terrorism is neither misguided nor contrived.
More About: War On Terror

Digging Things Out of the Ground
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The recent successes of Australia's resource industry have led to a glut of newspaper articles, television segments, and web pages devoted to congratulating executives for their perspicacity and insight in digging stuff out of the ground in order to gratify massive - indeed, seemingly inexhaustible - demand from overseas industrial giants China and India. But the devotion of the media to the wealth flowing to massive corporate entities as a result of digging things out of the ground is in itself representative of a significant problem - not so much an economic problem as a philosophical one.
More About: Ground , Things , The G

Counterfactual Current Affairs Update From Lebanon
2007-08-28 00:00:00
In a set of bizarre alternate universes that nonetheless share many characteristics with our own, United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan today brought a halt to ongoing bloodshed in Lebanon and Israel with the announcement of solutions to be enforced by the international communities together with infinite immediate ceasefires.
More About: Current , Update , Affairs , Affair

The Democratic Coincidence
2007-08-28 00:00:00
This brief article concerns a topic that has received little attention in recent times in the papers and journals of this nation, despite its significance and possibly portentious merit -what a wonderful coincidence it is that the only two serious choices Australians have at election time are exactly the two political parties that Australian's consistently prefer to elect. It could be said, on consideration, however that this of this happy circumstance is the lynchpin without which our fair democracy might fly apart, and without which the social contract would seem quite worthless.
More About: Democratic , The D , Coincidence , Cide , Coin

Inhuman in Beirut
2007-08-28 00:00:00
There were difficult moments today for the sinister alien being that wears the convenient form of US Secretary of State Condollleeezaaaa Rice, when the evil xenotype was caught for several minutes in the bright sun over Beirut during a photo opportunity taken with Lebanon's Prime Minister Fouad Siniora.

The Dangerous Notion of Media Balance
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Like mind/body duality and the big bang, the idea of balance in the media is a dangerous concept that can only lead us down a path that ends with the total destruction of Western civilisation.
More About: Media , Balance , The D , Balan , Dangerous

Refurbishing Masada
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Perhaps those prominent Israeli citizens who direct the affairs of that State have grown tired of their homes and their environs, and crave a change of scenery, a new climate, or less challenging diplomatic relations.
More About: Bish

How It Begins - On the Demise of the Senate
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The Federal Government's announcement of procedural changes that will hobble the Senat e committee system might trouble those luminaries of the Liberal Party concerned not only with an immediate ideological agenda and the dividends of electoral providence but with the long-term future of the Australian Parliament. And the dangerous political decision might at the same time put the people on their guard.
More About: The D , Demi , Nate

Australian PM Says Birds To Be 'Enthralled' by Climate Change
2007-08-28 00:00:00
After last week accidentally rejecting the link between global warming and human activity Australian Prime Minister John Howard has committed another verbal faux pas on an environmental theme while meeting with New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clarke in Wellington today, arguing confidently that in the event of a 12-metre global rise in water levels bird species will be 'far, far more enthralled than they've ever been before.'
More About: Climate Change , Climate , Change , Birds

David Hicks Lays Charges Against Alleged Terrorist U.S.
2007-08-28 00:00:00
After five years languishing in Guantanamo Bay, Australian detainee David Hicks has finally taken action in his legal prosecution of the United States, laying charges against the country over alleged military involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq and numerous attempted and actual murders in those countries and others in recent years.
More About: Lays , Terrorist , Char

Coca-Cola Plant Shut Down by Agrarian Fanatics:Delicious Beverage Under Ass
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Despite bringing employment and industry to many poorer regions of the world Coca Cola is now under increasing threat from an intransigent and ungrateful third world population. Of course, the truth is, it's all very easy to take a huge, benevolent corporation like CocaCola-Amatil to task. But the truth is nobody is more interested in bringing the pleasant luxuries of the West to impoverished humans in disadvantaged corners of the planet than the goodly executives of Coke.
More About: Coca-Cola , Beverage

Neckfat Forces Retirement of White House Ventriloquist Karl Rove
2007-08-28 00:00:00
In the US Bush Administration policy adviser and campaign manager Karl Rove has announced his resignation. Rove is credited with a kind of Machivellian talent for winning elections, and has been applauded by some for his role as puppet-master to President George W. Bush's appallingly unconvincing but twice-elected puppet.
More About: House , Retirement , White House , White

The Slow Ignominious Demise of Democracy, Part One
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Long-simmering leadership tensions between tiny Australian Prime Minister John Howard and Treasurer Peter Costello have been reignited today, with blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
More About: Democracy , Part , Slow , Demi

Suspending the Racial Discrimination Act in a Non-Racist Way
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Legislation related to a non-racist Federal Government intervention in Indigenous communities in Australia's Northern Territory has been swooshed through a pliant Parliament by a triumphant Indigenous Affairs Minister Mal Brough. In NT's Indigenous communities the cry has at last reached thousands of joyous souls: 'civilisation is at hand'.
More About: Discrimination , Racist , Disc , Racial , Rimi

Darkie Patrol
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The Nine Network's new drama series, Darkie Patrol, is to be launched this week and a pre-election extravaganza at Sydney's Star City casino.

Zemanek 'bludges' in final days
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Radio talk-back host Stan Zemanek has been described as being in a 'malingering and slacking' condition as he wilts before the onset of a brain tumor.
More About: Final , Days , Fina