Irony Party of Australia Electronic Pamphlet

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The Cuddliest MP
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Workplace Relations Minister Joe Hockey offended Australian women today when he made the anachronistic and sexist suggestion the reason the Opposition's workplace policies are more successful than those of the Government is that his opposite number Julia Gillard is 'prettier' than he is.
More About: Lies

Australian Cricket Team Abandon Zimbabwe Tour for Photo Ops
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Prime Minister John Howard has ordered the Australian cricket team to abandon a proposed tour of strife-torn Zimbabwe after weeks of diplomatic pressure exerted against Cricket Australia failed to produce any change in the sporting body's hard-line stance.
More About: Photo , Tour , Team

Seditio Ad Absurdum
2007-08-28 00:00:00
In interview with Shaikh Al Hilali, the beleagered Mufti of Australia, Australian Federal Police have reportedly raised the issue of the Mufti's potential sedition, after the mufti, during a speech on Moslem unity, urged local followers of the Islamic faith to lend support to 'axis of evil' nation Iran.
More About: Absu

Executives reflect on Kokoda lessons during junket
2007-08-28 00:00:00
A group of Australian managers has recently returned from a two-week team building exercise in which they walked Papua New Guinea's Kokoda Track, on the way developing a degree of vicarious resilience not witnessed since 1942, when the region saw brutal and intense combat between units of the Japanese Imperial Army and an ad hoc force comprised of Australian militia and regular forces.
More About: Lessons , Executives , Junket

Property Prices Recovered
2007-08-28 00:00:00
In Clifton Hill it's getting chilly at this time of year, and woodfires burn in newly painted mid-twentieth century homes (or ducted heating in the cubist boxes au fait with modern builders and architects). The suburb near the city centre and bisected by Hoddle Street, was for a time the bane of property developers and owners, who could barely turn a buck from the sale of the motley jumble of townhouses, cottages and bungalows sandwiched between Northcote and Fitzroy.
More About: Property , Prop , Prices , Pert , Rope

Speaking American
2007-08-28 00:00:00
It is well understood that cruel and fraudulent practises abound in this fraught and troubled world of ours, perpetrated ad nauseum and in the main by those entirely without scruple. Now a new and ugly fraud is being practiced on many of those who decide to broaden their horizons by learning the planet spanning lingua franca 'English'. Diligent study of the language of choice of recent global oppressors is now likely to be rewarded with disappointment rather than opportunity, with many discovering only too late they have not learned English at all, but are instead speaking American .
More About: Speaking

Barking for God, Harry and England
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Citizens in the major Western duocracies are celebrating imminent victory in their three-year old campaign to impose their self-evidently superior governmental system on Iraq, after it was announced Prince Henry Saxe-Coburg is to be dispatched to the now-troubled country to resolve what some more cynical analysts have referred to as a 'stalemate'.
More About: England , Harry

The Au Fait McKew
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Recently-outed ALP figure Maxine McKew has announced she will contest the Federal seat of Bennelong, currently held by erstwhile demi-God and political legend John Winston Howard.

O Maxine
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Maxine McKew's decision to leave the Australian Broadcasting Corporation and run on the Labor Party ticket against the Prime Minister in his Sydney electorate of Bennelong is all very well and good, except that now she'll have to start taking the injections.
More About: Maxi

Jamelot
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Sample a selection from the populist and libertarian new CD Jamelot, largely performed by the author of this pamphlet - assorted flamencish and djangoesque with salubrious bottoms and jazzy strains. Old-style traditional funk and mumble performed at Jamelot in the north with Matt and Jules on double bass and banjo. All music played on conventional instruments, then recorded.

Safe Radiation Safely Leaks At Lucas Heights
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The leaking of radioactive material at Sydney's Lucas Heights nuclear reactor earlier this week provided the media with a welcome case in point only days after Prime Minister John Howard announced the Government will inquire into the possible development of nuclear energy on the Australian continent. But the attempts of the anti-nuclear lobby to spin a nightmarish tale from the incident have proved fruitless, with the nuclear accident in actuality nothing more than a red herring. In fact, it has been revealed, the safe radioactive leak was quite safe and well within normal levels.
More About: Radiation , Safe , Eight , Leaks

Iran Tells West 'Computer Says No.'
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The United Nations last week increased pressure on Iran to suspend nuclear research activities that some say represent the realisation of Iranian plans for the development of nuclear weapons. A directive from the Security Council of the UN calls for Iran to suspend all uranium enrichment or face possible sanctions. And Security Council members have meanwhile hinted at the prospect of military strikes on nuclear facilities.But the Iranian Government has taken the warning lightly. Vexed American and European diplomats and power-brokers hoping for capitulation in the face of a West ern threat of force were instead advised in a media release from Iran's Ambassador to the United Nations that 'Computer says no.'
More About: Tells

Irritating DVD Piracy Message Drives Consumers to Bootleg Market
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Piracy warnings now included on DVDs purchased in the mainstream retail market are designed to warn consumers against the evils and pitfalls of DVD piracy, which is substantially compromising Hollywood profits. But now focus group and phone poll research, commissioned by worried entertainment industry executives indicates the strategy may have backfired. Statistics now leaked to the media indicate many consumers annoyed by the implausible ethical position presented in the garish minute-long warning have been forced to seek out bootleg versions of their favourite movies free of the irritating message.
More About: Piracy , Market , Bootleg , Message , Cons

Iraq Turncoats Overwhelmed by Shia Numbers
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Muted celebrations of three years of US occupation of Iraq were recently conducted in the occupied country from those bunkers, safehouses, and fortresses still considered secure for American troops, their allies, and turncoat Iraqis loyal to the invader. But in the aftermath of the third anniversary of the shock and awe campaign that brought the US-led occupation forces into the heart of the ancient civilisation, a daring rebel attack in the northern town of Muqdadiya has freed some of those imprisoned by the Occupation forces in a demonstration of the strength of their opposition and given a moment's satisfaction to all those not indisposed to the eventual expulsion of the Western oppressor.
More About: Shia , Numbers , Overwhelmed , Turncoat

Athlete shot,life's purpose fulfilled
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Champion hurdler Jana Pittman was exultant last night after finishing first in the women's 400 metre hurdles event of the Melbourne Commonwealth Games. The much anticipated race was over in seconds, with eight women leaping over hip-high barriers while running around a track towards a mutually agreed finish line. The whiney Australian athlete started strongly after nervously acknowledging the crowd, then competently cleared the obstacles placed in the runners' path and finished well clear of her adversaries. And later, after a press conference at which Pittman took the time to gloat a little in the direction of her detractors and bask in the adulation of fans, the athlete was mercifully shot dead with a single rifle round through the eye.
More About: Shot , Purpose , Athlete , Pose

Iraq Colony Celebrates Three Years of US-Style Democracy, Repression.
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Three years after the initial invasion of Iraq by the US-led forces of the Western imperium the country is reportedly teetering on the brink of civil war. In the aftermath of the explosion of the Shrine of the tenth and eleventh Imans a month ago, a significant site for both Shia and Sunni Moslems, there are daily reports of assassination style killings. Mass graves containing dozens of bodies are found in the mornings outside Baghdad after nights of secularist carnage. Beyond a small section of central Baghdad the West's control is fragmented, and deadly traps await US troops and Iraqi authorities on all roads out of the capital city. President George W Bush has marked the three-year anniversary of Iraq's occupation with a speech in which he congratulated troops and generals alike for their work in quickly and effectively rebuilding the ancient country in America's image.
More About: Style , Democracy , Years , Year

White House Shape-shifter Infiltrates Under Cover of Games
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The sinister creature currently embodied as United States Secretary of State Dr Condollllleeezzza Rice has slipped quietly into Australia under the cover of darkness and the Commonwealth Games to issue new instructions to her Australian minions.
More About: House , White House , White , Cover

International Women Shun Glass Staircase
2007-08-28 00:00:00
International Women 's Day was last week celebrated around the world in recognition of equality between genders and the continuing emancipation of women in a world still dogged by prejudice and bigotry. Some have called for increased representation by women in parliaments still dominated by male politicians, and for larger numbers of women to take up executive positions and appointments to corporate boards. But others have congratulated women for their moral resolve in avoiding the rank corruption, exploitation and self-serving rapacious bastardry associated with over-paid corporate positions and common among the elected representatives of the State.
More About: International , Glass , Shun

New Pictures from Alien Worlds
2007-08-28 00:00:00
News NASA's latest unmanned probe has arrived in a Mars orbit has excited astronomers, who expect some of the best pictures of the surface of an alien planet to be returned to Earth later in the year, afforded by the hi-tech instruments installed in the spacecraft. Now, though, in an unprecedented coup, the Irony Party of Australia has obtained pictures of alien worlds beyond even the wildest dreams of the US-based Space Agency.
More About: Pictures , Worlds , Alien

UnFascist Radical Reprogramming Program Proposed
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Appearing on the Government television network the Australian Broadcasting Corporation tonight, Federal Police Commissioner Mick Keelty has proposed a programme for the deprogramming and reprogramming of political radicals, particularly (and at first) where those dangerous idealists pose some manner of immediate threat to the Australian State. Following models now in place in the United States and Indonesia, Keelty suggested compulsory reprogramming programmes could reduce the risk to Australian interests from militants, dissidents, and ideologues.
More About: Program , Ming , Radical , Pose , Gram

Experts Announce Communication Breakthrough With 'Intelligent' Monkeys
2007-08-28 00:00:00
The idea that some land mammals could possess a kind of rudimentary sentience is a theory long ridiculed by researchers and zoologists. Now, though, a breakthrough has been reported from Vancouver in Canada, where experimenting Beluga whales have reportedly managed to provoke an animated response from some quasi-intelligent monkeys simply by blowing air bubbles through the water in basic geometric configurations.
More About: Communication , Intelligent , Experts , Monkeys , Brea

Calls for Iran's Ban on Western Music to be Extended to West
2007-08-28 00:00:00
After a period in which some of the worst excesses of West ern culture was granted relative latitude in Iran, Iranian President Ahmadi-Nejad Iranian has announced a renewed ban on damaging, decadent Western music on all public radio and television networks. Now, some in the West have responded to the cultural restrictions with tacit approval.
More About: Music , Calls , Este

Triumphal Australian Leader Pardons Banished Peasant
2007-08-28 00:00:00
As Prime Minister John Howard's triumphal procession wends it's way through the cities and towns of Australia, the benevolent Lead er, who this week celebrates a glorious decade of Coalition power on the Antipodean continent, has seen fit to extend his munificence to the commons.
More About: Australian , Pardon , Leader , Nish

Can You Protect Your Family From the Insidious Honxqp?
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Are you and your loved ones prepared for the event of a local outbreak of Honxqp in your town or region? The likelihood that a vaccine for the particular strain of Honxqp affecting your community can be produced in time to address the initial wave of sickness in your area is, unfortunately, slim. Don't wait until something strange and terrible happens in the home of your little ones. Act now to prevent the spread of the infestation of the sinister Honxqp.
More About: Family , Prot

Musharraf Treads Softly Around Elephant In Room
2007-08-28 00:00:00
On the eve of a visit to Pakistan by United States President George W Bush, Pakistan's military leader General Pervez Mush arraf , has spoken of the serious threats facing the world in coming decades and the need for mature foreign policy and strong allegiances between in order to address these significant problems. But with the world's most powerful and belligerent leader about to arrive on his doorstep, Musharraf has been selective in his global risk analysis, treading cautiously around the delicate prevailing geo-political situation by ignoring the large, rampaging elephant in the room.
More About: Room , Elephant

Consuela
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Post-colonial lambast set in a harsh alien tableau
More About: Cons

Relieved Iraqi population Now Safe From Harm
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Sydney-based radio talk show host Alan Jones has been horrified of late, he says, by a slew of horrifying half-verified reports from Iraq that hint at a nightmarish terror lived daily by citizens of the Coalition-occupied country. It's true to say that bringing freedom to Iraq has been more challenging than had initially been conceived. But why are there so few happy stories emerging from the deadly war-zone onto television screens in the West?
More About: Iraqi , Safe , Harm , Pula

Coca-Cola Plant Shut Down by Agrarian Fanatics:Delicious Beverage Under Ass
2007-08-28 00:00:00
Despite bringing employment and industry to many poorer regions of the world Coca Cola is now under increasing threat from an intransigent and ungrateful third world population. Of course, the truth is, it's all very easy to take a huge, benevolent corporation like CocaCola-Amatil to task. But the truth is nobody is more interested in bringing the pleasant luxuries of the West to impoverished humans in disadvantaged corners of the planet than the goodly executives of Coke.
More About: Coca-Cola , Beverage

US Senators Laud Rumsfeld Successor: Spottybug Sworn In
2007-08-28 00:00:00
At a pleasant soiree in Washington this evening, a bipartisan congregation of Senat or s, Ambassadors and other luminaries have toasted the newly sworn in US Defence Secretary, Alistair Spottybug. Defence Secretary Spotybug, a tiny insect who until recently lived with his family in Australia, assumes the prominent role at a difficult time, with ongoing problems in the satrapy of Iraq, unrest in Latin America,nukes in Iran, and the embarrassing hi-jinx of al Qa'eda that continue despite massive displays of overwhelming force by the United States.
More About: Rumsfeld

Al Zarqawi, Tiny Children Killed by US in Iraq
2007-08-28 00:00:00
In a PR coup for the Coalition forces in Iraq , an air strike on a building on the outskirts of Baqouba, the provincial capital of Diyala, has reportedly killed al Qa'eda lieutenant Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. Several of al-Zarqawi's aides were killed in the sortie, including Sheik Abdul Rahman, the al Qa'eda leader's spiritual advisor. The discovery of women and children's clothing in the wreckage of the multi-storey building in the aftermath of the attack suggests carnage resulting from the Americans' 500-pound bombs was not limited to al Qa'eda militants.
More About: Children , Tiny , Killed