The Daily Clusterdouche - Real News For Fake Peopl The Daily Clusterdouche - Real News For Fake Peopl The Daily Clusterdouche is an Alternative Media blog in the tradition of The Daily Show or The Onion, Satirical news and political humor pointing out the clusterdouchiness in all of us.
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PRESIDENT BUSH: THE NINE-ELEVEN AIN?T ABOUT PICKLES
2007-09-11 17:47:00 It was a solemn day for The Administration, as President Bush led a moment of silence on the South Lawn of the White House to ?rememberate all the fallen heroes and heroesses of The Nine-Eleven.? Bush was accompanied by first lady Laura Bush; the president?s boss and CEO of America, Inc. Dick Cheney also attended, ... More About: President Bush , Pickles , Pickle
PRESIDENT BUSH: THE NINE-ELEVEN AIN?T ABOUT PICKLES
2007-09-11 17:47:00 It was a solemn day for The Administration, as President Bush led a moment of silence on the South Lawn of the White House to ?rememberate all the fallen heroes and heroesses of The Nine-Eleven.? Bush was accompanied by first lady Laura Bush; the president?s boss and CEO of America, Inc. Dick Cheney also attended, ... More About: President Bush , Pickles , Pickle
DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE MEMO: PICK THOSE CHERRIES, BOYS!
2007-09-10 23:39:00 THE UNDERSECRETARY OF DEFENSE Under Cheney?s Desk Washington, D.C. 20301-3010 In the next several days, a great volume of aggregated civilian violence data will be crossing your desks as we prepare our Congressional report on our progress. SECDEF wants it made clear that not every dead Iraqi is to be counted a victim of The Surge? and ... More About: Department , Defense , Pick , Memo , Boys
DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE MEMO: PICK THOSE CHERRIES, BOYS!
2007-09-10 23:39:00 THE UNDERSECRETARY OF DEFENSE Under Cheney?s Desk Washington, D.C. 20301-3010 In the next several days, a great volume of aggregated civilian violence data will be crossing your desks as we prepare our Congressional report on our progress. SECDEF wants it made clear that not every dead Iraqi is to be counted a victim of The Surge? and ... More About: Department , Defense , Pick , Memo , Boys
LAURA BUSH TO HAVE IDIOTIC SMILE SURGICALLY REMOVED
2007-09-08 17:12:00 First lady Laura Bush is undergoing routine outpatient surgery today to relieve pressure on pinched nerves in her neck, the White House says. Doctors tell The Daily that the nerves in question control the muscles in Mrs. Bush?s face responsible for the insanely adoring but strangely vacant grin she wears whenever in the presence of ... More About: Smile , Laura Bush , Ally
LAURA BUSH TO HAVE IDIOTIC SMILE SURGICALLY REMOVED
2007-09-08 17:12:00 First lady Laura Bush is undergoing routine outpatient surgery today to relieve pressure on pinched nerves in her neck, the White House says. Doctors tell The Daily that the nerves in question control the muscles in Mrs. Bush?s face responsible for the insanely adoring but strangely vacant grin she wears whenever in the presence of ... More About: Smile , Laura Bush , Ally
BIN LADEN TAPE FORGETS THE FUNNY, PROMISES ?CALM, PRETTY SKIES?
2007-09-08 02:27:00 Making his regularly scheduled pre-9/11 appearance on Al Jazeera?s smash hit Cave-In With Harpo bin Steinberg-Akeem, long-lost Saudi sweetheart and 3-time Global Cave-Dwellathon Champion Osama ?Not Our Priority? bin Laden gave an Impending Wrath of Allah speech that strangely forgot the wrath part. Militant Al?Qaeda leaders condemned the speech as ?soft? and ?obviously written by ... More About: Funny , Promises , Pretty , Bin Laden , Forge
BIN LADEN TAPE FORGETS THE FUNNY, PROMISES ?CALM, PRETTY SKIES?
2007-09-08 02:27:00 Making his regularly scheduled pre-9/11 appearance on Al Jazeera?s smash hit Cave-In With Harpo bin Steinberg-Akeem, long-lost Saudi sweetheart and 3-time Global Cave-Dwellathon Champion Osama ?Not Our Priority? bin Laden gave an Impending Wrath of Allah speech that strangely forgot the wrath part. Militant Al?Qaeda leaders condemned the speech as ?soft? and ?obviously written by ... More About: Funny , Promises , Pretty , Bin Laden , Forge
HOMELAND SECURITY: ?LET?S KEEP THE TERROR AT HOME?
2007-09-05 13:59:00 Homeland Security Secretary Michael ?Night of the Living Dead? Chertoff and the Ford Motor Company announced today the launch of America?s latest weapon in the War On Terror ?, the Explosiva All-American Car Bomb. Controlled by remote and completely automated, the Ford Explosiva is expected to start blowing up in crowded markets and near large suburban ... More About: Home , Homeland Security , The Terror
HOMELAND SECURITY: ?LET?S KEEP THE TERROR AT HOME?
2007-09-05 13:59:00 Homeland Security Secretary Michael ?Night of the Living Dead? Chertoff and the Ford Motor Company announced today the launch of America?s latest weapon in the War On Terror ?, the Explosiva All-American Car Bomb. Controlled by remote and completely automated, the Ford Explosiva is expected to start blowing up in crowded markets and near large suburban ... More About: Home , Homeland Security , The Terror
BORED STUPID: A LOOK BACK AT GEORGE W. BUSH IN RETIREMENT, YEAR ONE
2007-09-04 22:04:00 CRAWFORD, TX - FEBRUARY, 2010 Former President of the United States George W . Bush is looking tanned and well-rested. It is 2:30 in the afternoon beneath a calm blue Texan sky and The Decider? has just woken from a nap, wearing faux-flightsuit footie-pajamas emblazoned with the Seal of the President. A chocolate milk stain darkens a ... More About: Retirement , George W Bush , Bored
BORED STUPID: A LOOK BACK AT GEORGE W. BUSH IN RETIREMENT, YEAR ONE
2007-09-04 22:04:00 CRAWFORD, TX - FEBRUARY, 2010 Former President of the United States George W . Bush is looking tanned and well-rested. It is 2:30 in the afternoon beneath a calm blue Texan sky and The Decider? has just woken from a nap, wearing faux-flightsuit footie-pajamas emblazoned with the Seal of the President. A chocolate milk stain darkens a ... More About: Retirement , George W Bush , Bored
IRAN ?REACHES NUCLEAR TARGET?; WILL USE ENRICHED URANIUM TO POWER ARMY OF A
2007-09-02 19:51:00 TEHRAN, IRAN - In a surprise announcement at a B?Nai B?rith meet-n-greet and potluck matzoh luncheon Sunday, Iran ian President Mahmoud ?Unpleasantly Insane? Ahmadinejad announced that he had personally built more than 3,000 uranium-enriching centrifuges out of duct tape and parts leftover from a Halliburton care package mistakenly rerouted from Saudi Arabia. Federal Express is currently ... More About: Power , Nuclear , Uranium , Army
IRAN ?REACHES NUCLEAR TARGET?; WILL USE ENRICHED URANIUM TO POWER ARMY OF A
2007-09-02 19:51:00 TEHRAN, IRAN - In a surprise announcement at a B?Nai B?rith meet-n-greet and potluck matzoh luncheon Sunday, Iran ian President Mahmoud ?Unpleasantly Insane? Ahmadinejad announced that he had personally built more than 3,000 uranium-enriching centrifuges out of duct tape and parts leftover from a Halliburton care package mistakenly rerouted from Saudi Arabia. Federal Express is currently ... More About: Power , Nuclear , Uranium , Army
CRAIG NOW DENIES USING BATHROOM EVEN FOR ?INTENDED PURPOSE?; BRINGS LAWSUIT
2007-08-31 15:17:00 Embattled superheterosexual Sen. Larry ?I Just Want To Touch It, But Not In A Gay Way? Craig added yet another retraction to his growing litany of totally plausible reversals by announcing today that he would be suing his own bowels and digestive system for unfairly entrapping him in a restroom under false pretenses. In a ... More About: Lawsuit , Bathroom , Purpose , Pose
BUSH PRAISES GAO REPORT; ?THREE OUTTA EIGHTEEN, THAT?S BETTER?N HALF, AIN?T
2007-08-30 17:12:00 Hoping to get ahead of the story by issuing a statement praising the Government Accountability Office for its detailed report on failing progress in Iraq, the White House said today that three out of eighteen successful benchmarks for restoring political and military security to Iraq was ?a slam-dunk success? that only proves The Surge? is ... More About: Bush , Report , Half
PAKISTANIS PUT A LITTLE DEMOCRACY UP MUSHARRAF?S ASS; BUSH CONDEMNS PEOPLE
2007-08-29 20:50:00 In a surprise gesture of undickishness, Pakistan?s President and Supreme Military Overlord-in-Chief Pervez ?What?s A Taliban?? Musharraf has agreed to terms laid down by hot political exile and Revlon spokesmodel Benazir ?Bribes-R-Us? Bhutto to resign his command of Pakistan?s army, which has been lined up on the Indian border with its guns pointed at New ... More About: Bush , People , Democracy , Condemn
BUSH: MISS TEEN SOUTH CAROLINA NEW SEC?Y EDUCATION, SPELLINGS OUT
2007-08-28 15:47:00 The White House announced on Tuesday its plan to replace dowdy poindexter Margaret Spellings with dazzling South Carolinian Lauren Caitlin Upton as Secretary of Education , following a recent display of confidence and intellect that President Bush is quoted as calling, ?Hot-damn good stuff.? ?What this country needs is an intellecter,? Mr. Bush said in a brief ... More About: Miss , South Carolina
GONZALES RESIGNS, FORGETS WHERE HE PARKED
More articles from this author:2007-08-27 15:50:00 Tormented U.S. Attorney General Alberto ?I Don?t Recall My Nickname? Gonzales resigned today, then promptly forgot he?d done so and returned to his office with a fresh cup of coffee. Unauthorized Federal Surveillance Program wiretaps recorded Mr. Gonzales inquiring as to his lack of appointments for the rest of the day, prompting the CIA to ... More About: Forge , Zales 1, 2 |
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