The Daily Clusterdouche - Real News For Fake Peopl The Daily Clusterdouche - Real News For Fake Peopl The Daily Clusterdouche is an Alternative Media blog in the tradition of The Daily Show or The Onion, Satirical news and political humor pointing out the clusterdouchiness in all of us.
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THE GOP BRANDWAGON, PART I : THE EARLY YEARS (1929 - 1959)
2008-05-19 16:52:00 Being a Brief History of Republican Product Placement Now That Their Brand is Finally Dying the Cancerous, Painful and Hopefully Merciless Death It Has So Long Deserved It seems the “Republican brand” is in a bit of trouble these days. Which is surprising, given how open-minded, inclusive and tolerant the party has been since Ronald Reagan ... More About: Part , Early , Years
OBAMA BUYS WEST VIRGINIA ELECTION FOR $24.95; ALSO CONTRACTS BLACK LUNG, BL
2008-05-13 22:59:00 Ah, election year in West Virginia . A time when a young politico’s fancy turns to purchasing as many votes as soft Internet money can buy in a state where “election fraud” means bouncing the check with which you paid some random Cleatus to vote for you 1,192 times in 7 minutes. And though analysts are ... More About: Obama , Black
SCOTUS TO LYING, BALLOT-RIGGING NUNS: GO FUCK YOURSELVES
2008-05-08 04:43:00 In an effort to stem the typhoon-fierce tide of elderly Indiana nuns who enjoy lying about their identities in order to commit voter fraud (see: Elections, Every Republican since 1972; also: Rove, Karl -“ Black People Should Eat Shit”, Liberty University Press, 2004), the Supreme Court of the United States ruled late last month that ... More About: Lying , Fuck , Ballot
WHITE ON WRIGHT : YEAH, WE SHOULD TALK (A RARE OP/EP)
2008-03-20 15:38:00 It seems to us here at The Daily Clusterdouche that all of this white indignation over the Reverend Jeremiah Wright ?s furious pulpit-pounding could use a little context, a brief love-hug with those already crammed ass-to-elbow into the Fat White Evangelical Pantheon of Fabulous America-Blaming Hate-Speech. Because that’s the crux of it all, that Wright?s rants ... More About: Cain , Talk , Rare
BIGOTS FOR CHRIST : ATTACK THE HOMO, PROTECT THE SPEECH
2008-03-10 22:36:00 Oklahoma City, OK - These are heady days for the U.S. Constitution. In the never-aggravating U.S. House of Representatives (?The House That Suck Built?), serious consideration is being given to House Resolution 888, which calls for an entire week of Federally-approved Religious History recognition, like the fact that Daniel Boone kilt him a bar with ... More About: Christ , Speech , Attack
BIG DUMMY PREP TIME : STATE OF THE UNION EDITION, REEL 2
2008-01-30 19:28:00 Part Two of Dubya’s last prep session for a State of the Union (in which he must bald-facedly lie to the American public about everything he hasn’t accomplished since taking office because he’s been too busy taking naps and watching cartoons between clearing brush and blowing up innocent people) finds the President well-rested and ready ... More About: Time , Reel , Edition
BIG DUMMY PREP TIME : STATE OF THE UNION EDITION, REEL 1
2008-01-30 02:22:00 Investigative reporters1 here at The Daily Clusterdouche™ have uncovered secret White House documents that include the following transcript of a pre-State of the Union prep session between George W. “Which State is the Union?” Bush and an elite cadre of advisors, which in the Bush White House means “the last few guys in the building that ... More About: Time , Reel , Edition
IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A SPACECRAFT! IT’S…JESUS! EH, NO
2008-01-15 20:34:00 Oh, Texas, how we love you so. While the other forty-nine states are busy passing legislation hoping to make the stalking of underage boys and girls on the unbearably crapulent social site MySpace a little more difficult for fat bald men in their 40s that should at this very moment be receiving up to 18 ... More About: Jesus , Spacecraft , Bird
YOU WATCH THIS NOW!
2007-12-14 20:33:00 We could spend 10 - 12 hours a day on SuperDeluxe.com, if only for The Professor Brothers. If you?ve never caught any of Brad Neely?s work, you both suck and blow; his revised history of George Washington may be the funniest two minutes and twenty-three seconds we?ve ever seen.Please, spend lots of time over at ... More About: Watch
TODAY IN HISTORY : STUNNINGLY UGLY PEOPLE FUCK THINGS UP FOR EVERYONE
2007-12-12 00:38:00 Today in Ugly Skinny Douchebags History , December 11, 1956, the dreaded Hays Code — an ultra-conservative set of rules and restrictions imposed upon Hollywood in 1930 by former U.S. Postmaster General and closet ladies-underwear-fetishist William H. Hays — was eased a little, allowing the production of movies that didn?t make reasonable adult men and women ... More About: People , Today , Things
ASK THE INSUFFERABLY PATRONIZING ANSWER APPARATUS : BIG DUMB GOD EDITION
2007-12-02 03:35:00 In honor of the first day of Hanukkah — a ?Jewish? holiday in which the ?Jews*? celebrate the takeover of the world?s eight largest international banking consortiums by lighting a candle for each and then eating a Christian baby with a nice galuptzi — we at the Daily Clusterdouche thought it was High Holiday time ... More About: Answer , Dumb , Edition
And Now A Word From Our Sponsor - Victorian Rectums (Rectum? Damn Near?Etc.
2007-11-19 17:10:00 Today?s edition of The Daily Clusterdouche is brought to you by Scott Brand Paper Products, who made it fashionable to terrorize Middle America with absurd statistics and wildly overstated fears more than a century before the Bush Administration made it Political Art. Also, both Scottissue and the Bush Administration have to do almost entirely with ... More About: Word , Sponsor , Damn , Victorian , Rect
BORED STUPID: A LOOK BACK AT GEORGE W. BUSH IN RETIREMENT, YEAR ONE
2007-11-18 21:04:00 CRAWFORD, TX - FEBRUARY, 2010 Former President of the United States George W . Bush is looking tanned and well-rested. It is 2:30 in the afternoon beneath a calm blue Texan sky and The Decider? has just woken from a nap, wearing faux-flightsuit footie-pajamas emblazoned with the Seal of the President. A chocolate milk stain darkens a ... More About: Retirement , George W Bush , Bored
WRITER’S GUILD STRIKE HITS WHITE HOUSE SPEECHWRITERS; NO ONE SEEMS TO NOT
2007-11-05 17:07:00 WASHINGTON - The White House is scrambling today to fill speechwriting positions left suddenly vacant by striking members of the Writer’s Guild of America, leaving many puzzled pundits asking, “The White House has speechwriters?” White House officials, however, are not concerned about the strike. ”At the very best of times, with some of this nation’s best ... More About: Hits
Today in History : 30 October
2007-10-30 19:12:00 On this day in history, 30 October , 1938, legendary filmmaker and pea-lover Orson “It’s a Sled. Sort of a Letdown, Isn’t It?” Welles stunned a gullible nation into the sort of paralytic stupidity typically reserved for viewers of Reality Television with his faux-news radio presentation of The War of the Worlds by H.G. “No Relation ... More About: History , Today
GREAT HISTORICAL ATTACK ADS, PART II
2007-10-25 00:26:00 While the nation continues to weep and gnash its teeth and hurl itself in front of oncoming trains over MoveOn.org?s ad attacking General David ?Benedict Arnold McFredo Al-Judas Bin-Anakin? Petraeus, we here at TheDaily remain dedicated to putting such insalubrious journalism in its proper historical context. Americans need to be reminded that the ?Betray-Us? campaign ... More About: Great , Historical , Part , Attack , Atta
BREAKING NEWS YOU COULD PROBABLY DO WITHOUT
2007-10-23 00:47:00 TEHRAN - Iran?s top nuclear ?negotiator? — which in that country means ?the guy paid to give George Bush the finger while stuffing enriched uranium in his underpants? — resigned from his post Saturday, a government spokesman says. ?We regret to inform you that our chief nuclear negotiator has resigned due to being inexplicably dead ... More About: News , India , Breaking News , Breaking , Brea
BUSH TO TURKEY: “BACK OFF, MASS-KILLERS; RECKLESSLY INVADING IRAQ IS OUR
2007-10-17 14:42:00 Washington - Just a week after crusading on Turkey ’s behalf to prevent their Wacky Historical Mass -Killery from being labeled “genocide” by a clearly insane Congress with nothing better to do than badger the Ottoman Empire, President Bush said today that Turkey should refrain from invading Iraq to protect its own homeland security on the grounds ... More About: Killers
JEWS PRAY FOR RAPTURE JUST TO RID EARTH OF ANN COULTER
2007-10-12 19:01:00 JERUSALEM - Devout Jews gathered this morning at the Wailing Wall to pray intensely for The Rapture ? to finally come and cleanse the world of sanctimonious neo-Nazi stick-figured Christian douchebags like Ann Coulter , who claimed on Monday that Jews are in need of ?perfecting? through Christianity, the ?fast-track program? to the peace and happiness that ... More About: Earth , Pray
BUSH DENIES HOLOCAUST, MAKES WIFE TALK ABOUT FOREIGN THINGS HE ?DON?T GET?
2007-10-11 21:19:00 WASHINGTON - Just weeks after snubbing controversial Iranian president Mahmoud ?Big Douche On Campus? Ahmadinejad on his trip to New York over his views on Nazi atrocities, President George Bush inexplicably joined the ranks of Wacky Holocaust Deniers today as he lobbied hard against a House resolution that would call the systematic and deliberate extermination ... More About: Wife , Talk , Foreign
FRED THOMPSON: WATCH OUT FOR THE SOVIET UNION, PERSIA AND SIAM, FORGE STRON
2007-10-08 22:03:00 Disproving that old political chestnut we believe was coined by Mark Twain, ?Saggy old evangelical Hollywood actors are doddering, feeble-minded douchebags that shouldn?t run for president,? late-bloomer Fred ?Check Out My IMDB Page? Thompson came out strong last week against an Iran backed by ?the Soviet Union and China,? fueling speculation that the former senator ... More About: Watch , Fred Thompson
RUSSIA CELEBRATES SPUTNIK ANNIVERSARY; LAUNCHES FREE PRESS INTO SPACE
2007-10-05 01:35:00 MOSCOW - Russia n president Vladimir ?Vee Heff Vays Uff Mecking You Tok? Putin celebrated the 50th anniversary of Sputnik?s launch today by firing a rocket into deep space crammed full of troublesome reporters still under the impression that Russian has a free press. We wouldn?t have known about this anniversary if it weren?t for Google?s ... More About: Space , Anniversary , Press , Free
MCCAIN SOFT ON CHRISTIANITY, LOVES HIM ?THE ISLAM?; WOULD ELECT MUSLIM PRES
2007-09-30 21:38:00 (CNN) - Having little else to lose at this point and clinging doggedly to his support of the Most Unpopular War since The War On Firstborn Sons (1450 - 1650 BCE, see Exodus 11:5), Senator John McCain says he would vote for a Muslim president if he can?t use pro-Christian rhetoric and Holy Pandery to ... More About: Christianity , Islam , Soft
RUSSIA BREEDING FUTURE ARMY OF GIGANTIC NEO-COMMUNIST SUPER SOLDIERS
2007-09-28 22:39:00 Somewhere in Siberia (nothing good ever happens in that place) - BBC News is reporting that a Russia n woman has single-wombedly given birth to a baby girl weighing 17.5 pounds, more than twice the average American newborn weight and six times the Russian average, given these people have nothing to eat but vodka and food ... More About: Future , Super , Army , Gigantic
BREAKING NEWS: WE?RE MCSWEENEYED
2007-09-28 04:09:00 Today’s Daily Clusterdouche is brought to you by the good folks at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, who this week had the poor taste and lack of better judgment to post one of our ridiculous Lists. If you’ve got $12.95 and any sort of sense of humor whatsoever, be sure to purchase Mountain Man Dance Moves - ... More About: News , Breaking News , Breaking , Brea , Ween
VIOLENT CRIME SURGES, BUSH THRILLED
2007-09-25 16:51:00 WASHINGTON - For the first time in over a dozen years, the number of violent crimes in this country increased by a larger amount than expected last year, according to an FBI report released on Monday. President George ?Democracy Exporters, Inc.? Bush praised the new numbers as a clear benchmark that America is moving in ... More About: Terror , Crime , Rime , Viol
GREAT HISTORICAL ATTACK ADS : PART I
2007-09-22 05:25:00 The Daily isn?t sure what the big deal is about the MoveOn.org ad, given the historical context in which it appears. Ads of this kind are nothing new; when this country has faced unpopular wars with generals in impossible situations, the media of its day has always been merciless in its attacks. To prove our ... More About: Great , Historical , Part , Attack , Atta
FRENCH FOREIGN MINISTER RATTLES SABER, CUTS OFF OWN FOOT
2007-09-19 20:21:00 Paris, France (AP) - French Foreign Minister Bernard ?Bernie the Blade? Kouchner warned on Sunday that the world should prepare for war with Iran, pledging that France itself would ?wait at least 48 hours before surrendering this time.? ?France is in a unique position to rattle its saber,? Kouchner said in an interview for RTL radio. ... More About: Saber , Foot
AIR FORCE TO CALL IN SICK, LICK WOUNDS FOR ?SAFETY DAY?
2007-09-13 22:42:00 Responding to overwhelming disbelief (see White House Memo ?#19283123FM: Holy Shitballs, They Did What?!?) over their recent failure to de-nuke a B-52 flight from Minot, North Dakota to Barksdale AFB in Louisiana, the United States Air Force announced today that its Air Combat Command will take a much-needed day off on Friday, 14 September, in ... More About: Safety , Call , Air Force , Sick
AIR FORCE TO CALL IN SICK, LICK WOUNDS FOR ?SAFETY DAY?
More articles from this author:2007-09-13 22:42:00 Responding to overwhelming disbelief (see White House Memo ?#19283123FM: Holy Shitballs, They Did What?!?) over their recent failure to de-nuke a B-52 flight from Minot, North Dakota to Barksdale AFB in Louisiana, the United States Air Force announced today that its Air Combat Command will take a much-needed day off on Friday, 14 September, in ... More About: Safety , Call , Air Force , Sick 1, 2 |
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