The Arizona Report - Satire

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2

Legislature Pledges Shortest Session
2007-10-18 01:29:00
Following the marathon 164 day legislative session in 2007, the Arizona State Legislature announced today that they are working towards a significantly shorter 2008 legislative session. In fact, they are pledging that the session will be the shortest on record.“We really built a lot of bridges during the 2007 budget debate,” said Speaker of the House Jim Weiers, “It should really be a snap to get everyone together and make this happen in record time. I’m sure that the Governor is going to be more than willing to work with us.”In recent years, the legislative session has dragged on to record lengths, boasting some of the longest in history. This legislature wants to be remembered for taking the opposite approach. It is rumored that the Legislature is seeking acknowledgment from the world famous Guinness Book of World Records.“Like I have said before, let’s put all of this partisan stuff behind us for now and focus on what’s important…” said Senate Minority Leader ...
More About: Pledge

Rejected Campaign Slogans - Russell Pearce
2007-10-15 23:40:00
It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of State Legislator Russell Pearce and his exploratory committee for Congressional District 6.
More About: Logan

Napolitano proposes “Pay Day Loan” to balance the budget
2007-10-12 21:27:00
Proudly holding up a giant postdated State of Arizona check, Governor Janet Napolitano announced that she has found a solution to the current budget shortfall. Utilizing several of the thousands of Pay Day Loans stores that can be found throughout the metropolitan Phoenix area, Napolitano was able to put together enough money to make up for the current budget shortage.“All I had to do was put up the deed on the Executive tower, the titles of the State of Arizona’s fleet of vehicles, and a post dated paycheck for every government worker,” explained Napolitano, “Just like that, we were taking stacks of cash away to pay for all the important programs I support. It took a long time to get the money through that little slot underneath the bullet-proof glass.”“Once again, Governor Napolitano has found a way to solve the budget problems while contributing to the local economy,” said Jeanine L'Ecuyer, Napolitano’s Director of Communications, “Plus, did you see her in News...
More About: Balance , Budget , Prop

Arpaio seeks refuge from robot from the future
2007-10-10 01:30:00
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio called a press conference today to tell everyone to be on the look out for a large, well muscled man with sunglasses and an Austrian accent. According to the Sheriff, this mystery man is from the future and intends to “terminate” America’s toughest sheriff before he can start the revolution against the machines and illegal immigrants.The Sheriff warned that the suspect has red glowing eyes and a precarious grasp on the English language. When questioned why the robot would have such a thick accent, the Sheriff explained that it’s because it was “a representation of their attempts to undermine English as our official language.”This futuristic robot bent on world domination is often seen driving around on a motor cycle or talking to day laborers about pulling the bullets out of his bio-mechanical skin. Arpaio told the crowd that he is the only man standing between a future of enslavement to robots and the people who entered here illegally ...
More About: Robot , Future , The Future

Rejected Campaign Slogans - Mitt Romney
2007-10-08 23:32:00
It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Presidential Candidate, Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney .

GOP Janitor to Dem Janitor: Learn how to clean!
2007-10-03 21:35:00
PHOENIX, AZ - “Wouldn’t you know that the Arizona Democrats would go off and hire someone who doesn’t know a scrub bucket from a floor buffer,” said Cliff Stansbury, janitorial services director for the Arizona Republican Party. “By the look of their waxy buildup and the cobwebs in the corners, it makes you wonder if they even have a janitorial staff.”Stansbury, a sanitation expert, is known for cleaning only while moving to the right. He also has the special honor of polishing the bronze Randy Pullen bust that sits at GOP headquarters.“It makes you wonder if they are hiring illegals to keep their place up,” Stansbury said. “I take pride in my work, and I encourage the Democrats to learn how to do the same. Heck, I bet those silly Democrat workers would try to mix bleach and ammonia without knowing what kind of serious danger they are putting themselves in.”Stansbury’s verbal assault on the Dem’s janitorial staff is part of the GOP’s effort to call out each...
More About: Clean , Learn

Pollack and Schweikert to compete in awkward standing contest
2007-10-02 22:03:00
To many, standing awkwardly is only employed in rare occasions such as waiting to meet someone or holding back from approaching the buffet line so that they don’t look too eager. For a rare few, standing awkwardly is an art.Maricopa County is lucky to be home of two world class gentlemen of ungraceful posture: Real Estate mogul, Michael A. Polla ck and Maricopa County Treasurer and Congressional District 5 Exploratory candidate David Schweikert.Both Pollack and Schweikert are known for capturing themselves in seemingly uncomfortable poses and then placing the imagery all over town. The two posers have agreed to compete in a contest to see who can place their awkward mount in the largest number of situations and with the greatest amount of creativity.Pollack, and his “one hand in the pocket and the other gripping an item” pose is rumored to be superimposing his image on to a farm scene where he will be holding the reigns of a pony. He may also explore an image of himself placed ...
More About: Contest , Compete , Standing

Rejected Campaign Slogans – Laura Knaperek
2007-10-01 20:03:00
It is time for another round of “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time (looks like Mondays), we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Former State Representative Laura Knaperek and her campaign for Congressional District 5.
More About: Logan

Democrats release Tim Bee condemnation “Mad Lib”
2007-09-28 20:18:00
While the Senate President continues to deliberate on if he should enter the Congressional District 8 race, the Arizona Democratic Party has taken every opportunity to question his candidacy and exploratory committee status. Noting the success of the Randy Pullen press release “Mad Lib” template, and following the Democratic tradition of co-opting other people’s ideas, the part has released their own Tim Bee condemnation “Mad Lib.” Just copy the release below and fill in the blanks yourself!NEWS RELEASEFOR IMMEDIATE RELEASEThursday September 27, 2007Bee should (verb) or get off the (noun)Tim Bee’s refusal to (verb) shows how much he (verb ending in “s”) Democracy Senate President Tim Bee is being a (noun) when it comes to his intentions for running for Congress against (adjective) and brilliant Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords.Arizona’s resign-to-run law (verb) Republican officeholders seeking another seat resign their existing position. Earlier this week, yet anot...
More About: Democrats , Release , Condemnation , Rats

Arizona Capitol Times to host keg party
2007-09-26 20:49:00
In a hand-written flyer fresh off the copy machine, the Arizona Capitol Times announced a keg party to mark the departure of longtime editor, Karen Fullenwider. The flyers were distributed around the Capitol building and being passed out by staffers overheard saying “Dude, keg party Friday, be there.”Additional copies of the invitation were seen being run off by House and Senate interns on various copy machines. The flyer states that the Capitol Times is hosting a “Little fiesta to say ‘adios’ to Karen.”Karen Fullenwider recently announced her resignation from the Arizona Capitol Times citing concerns over the growing number of social events hosted by the publication. Dolan Media, the new owner of the Arizona Capitol Times responded to her allegations saying, “Karen just doesn’t really know how to party.”Kegs, chips, and dip will be served at the event. Staff will be on hand to charge $5 dollars for a party cup which will be available at the door. The local band, L...
More About: Party , Host , Izon

Rejected Campaign Slogans – Hillary Clinton
2007-09-24 23:40:00
The Arizona Report is proud to announce the return of “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Presidential Candidate and Former First Lady, Hillary Clinton .

Man has seizure from Pearce email blast
2007-09-21 01:48:00
Mesa Resident Roger Cobb, 45, suffered a mild seizure when he opened an email sent from Representative Russell Pearce . Pearce’s “Legislative Alert” email featured an announcement for an upcoming legislative workshop where citizens are encouraged to attend to learn more about the legislative process.When Cobb opened the email, he was met with a picture of Pearce set in front of a picture of the capitol dome, set in front of red rock cliffs, and an image of the Arizona flag draped over the entire image. The email header’s swirling cavalcade of colors cause the longtime Mesa resident to twitch momentarily.“I think that thing has been burned into the back of my retinas,” explained Cobb, “Every time I blink, I keep seeing it.”Pearce, who is known for his strong stance on illegal immigration and fiscal conservatism, has had some trouble with emails in the past. However, this is a first where the style was more offensive than the substance.
More About: Email , Blast

Napolitano proposes bake sale to close budget gap
2007-09-20 22:47:00
Governor Janet Napolitano is faced with an estimated $600 million state budget shortfall. Her solution? Gooey fudge brownies.“Many of you don’t know this, but I am quite the cook. I can bake up a batch of brownies that will make your head spin,” said the Governor, “My proposal is to sell some of my gooey fudge brownies and get this state back on track. In fact, go ahead and throw another $100 million on the budget for the kids… I’ll make that up, no sweat.”The Governor was not willing to divulge her recipe for the brownies, but she did admit that the secret ingredient is “love.” The Governor plans to ask her colleagues to join her in a bake sale to help raise the funds. Attorney General Terry Goddard has agreed to bake a bundt cake.Many conservatives believe that deep cuts will be necessary to bring the budget back into balance. “I really want to tell her ‘I told you so,’” said Speaker of the House Jim Weiers, “But I need to get my hands on one of those b...
More About: Sale , Close , Budget , Prop

McCain to celebrate Christmahanakwanzika
2007-09-19 19:17:00
Arizona Senator and Presidential hopeful John McCain announced today that he plans to celebrate Christmahanakwanzika this coming December. The announcement is seen as an attempt to set the record straight about the status of his faith, which came into question earlier in the week.The Senator denies that the announcement has anything to do with appealing to a wider base of people as part of his presidential bid. “I have been practicing Christmahani-whatsitscalled for sometime now,” said McCain, “I didn’t really think I needed to make any sort of announcement. Until now, that is.”Christmahanakwanzika was created by a national cell phone company a few years ago to help increase the sales of phones during the seasons of Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa. The advertisements were very popular for their creativity and their ability to celebrate the holiday season by offending none and all of the religions at the same time.The traditions of Christmahanakwanzika are unclear as most ...
More About: Celebrate , Hana

Rejected Campaign Slogans – Tim Bee
2007-09-17 20:13:00
The Arizona Report is proud to announce our new feature called “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Senate President Tim Bee and his exploratory campaign for Congressional District 8.
More About: Logan

Photographers looking for new ways to ignore the Capitol Executive Tower
2007-09-13 21:50:00
The Arizona State Capitol building and its copper dome topped with “Winged Victory” has long stood as a proud Arizona landmark since its completion in 1900. The Capitol Executive Tower that looms behind the copper dome has a tradition of its own: being avoided in pictures.After many years of taking pictures of the historic State Capitol building from different angles to avoid including the tower in the shot, photographers are exploring new and creative methods for keeping the unattractive building out of the frame.“In this day of digital imaging and modern cameras,” said Todd Phillips, a graphic designer and photographer, “There is no limit to the ways we can avoid that ugly thing. I provide images for local politicians, lobbyists, business groups, you name it, and I always hear the same thing: Dome – yes. Tower – no.”“I like to Photoshop a playful puppy in front of the tower,” explained Madeline Soenso, “People are willing to suspend belief about the existence...
More About: Photographers

MoveOn.org returns lost Republican playbook
2007-09-11 22:25:00
Following a week of backlash and criticism, MoveOn.org decided to return the tattered copy of the Republican playbook that they had recently found sitting on a local park bench.MoveOn recently called the loyalties of several Democrats into question calling them DINOs, which is short for “Democrats In Name Only.” They followed it up with a challenge to the patriotism of General Petraeus in the New York Times with a full page ad that read, “General Petraeus or General Betray Us?” Both of these techniques came from chapters in the Republican playbook they found.“We really have learned our lesson,” said MoveOn spokesman Trevor Fitzgibbon, “We just aren’t very good at infighting and questioning someone’s patriotism. Give us conspiracy theories and triumph of the human spirit, those guys can keep the other stuff.”MoveOn plans on returning to their traditional roots of donating money to Democratic candidates and emailing controversial videos to their members.“Fortunat...
More About: Lost , Moveon

Pullen celebrates his 100th chide
2007-09-11 01:08:00
The Arizona Republican Party proudly announced their celebration of “Chide Fest 2007” to coincide with Randy Pull en’s 100th public expression disapproval since he began his term as Chairman of the party.Some believed that the announcement of scold and reproach to a local democrat for crossing the street before looking both ways was overshadowed by the pomp and circumstance of the event itself. Party headquarters was filled with excited volunteers hoping to get a scolding of their own.Everyone in attendance was treated to a twenty minute long video that celebrated some of Pullen’s more notorious chides such as when Congressman Harry Mitchell sided with Speaker Pelosi and when Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton was caught chewing with her mouth open. The video was edited with the song “Wind Beneath My Wings” in the background.“This is the fastest that any chairman has gotten to a hundred taunts in our history,” said Pullen in a press conference, “Here’s to hund...