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Alan Greenspan: “Yes . . . I’m Not, Not Senile?!”
2007-12-20 10:35:00
UPSTATE NEW YORK...12/20/07 2:00 pm EST... Giving a press conference from the bedroom of his new home, the Happy Trails Home for the Aging, former Chairman of the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve, Alan Greenspan , was asked if his arrogance, or perhaps stupidity, had caused the dot com and/or current housing crises. Remarked Greenspan, “My roommate and me . . . we eat paste.” Asked then

Pelosi to Bush: “Here's Your War Money, Now Gimme Some Pork Dollars”
2007-12-20 02:08:00
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA…12/19/07 2:15pm EST…At a news conference today, which was given at her luxury, high-rise offices, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D CA) announced “I don’t care if hundreds of thousands of innocent people died in Bush ’s illegal war . . . I just want $40 billion for my special interests.” Ask then if she is suggesting Bush’s desperation for war funds is a valid method of
More About: Money , Pork , Gimme

Bill Clinton: "Stop Calling Us HillBillary"
2007-12-19 04:16:00
NORTH LIBERTY, IOWA...12/18/07 7:30pm EST...Heckled by pro-environment, pro-health care, pro-campaign finance reform, pro-labor standard and anti-government corruption groups today, Presidential candidate and Senator Hillary Clinton (? NY) laughed and stated "Yeah, well, when you're not all a bunch of broke-ass losers come back and talk to me." Getting a strong reaction from the crowd, former
More About: Bill Clinton , Stop , Calling , Bill

Tony Blair: “I Hate My Job”
2007-12-19 00:56:00
GAZA STRIP…12/18/07 6:15pm EST…Speaking to reporters while being shuffled from one armored car to another, former British Prime Minister, and current “Mid-East Peace Envoy,” Tony Blair , bristled with anger as he stated “I hate this job . . . I was told I’d only have to do it a couple months . . . and then I’d be made partner in an investment banking firm in Switzerland . . . so why am I still here Mr. Bush?” Quizzed by reporters about his comments, Blair added “Listen, if you actually believe I was fighting terrorism in Iraq . . . then you’re a bigger idiot than I was for trusting them.” Asked if he planned to resign, Blair added, “No . . . I’m stuck here . . . they’ll expose me if I cross them.”..AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you're visiting this blog, then you need not be told that Tony Blair was more or less the entirety of the “coalition of the willing.” However, what is not so obvious is the revolving-door policy top neo-conservatives have when it comes...
More About: Hate

Teresa Heinz-Kerry Endorses Mitt Romney
2007-12-18 07:16:00
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS...12/17/07 11:00am EST...Speaking to reporters at a news conference she organized, Teresa Heinz -Kerry , the former wife of former Senator H. John Heinz (R PA) and current wife of current Senator John Kerry (D MA), announced today that she's endorsing the Republican Governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney . Stated Heinz-Kerry, "Mitt Romney is a man of the future, of power, of charisma, and of etched . . . muscle." Quizzed about her endorsement of a Republican candidate, Heinz-Kerry replied, "Trust me, I couldn't care less which party he's in so long as he gives me the White House." Heinz-Kerry then added, "Can you blame me - look at him, plus unlike John he has money." Told by reporters that Romney is already married, Heinz-Kerry remarked, "Nonsense, he's from Utah - he can have as many wives as he wants." Told then that Romney's faith no longer allows plural marriage, and when it did it was the husband who had several wives, not the woman with several husband...

Sen. Larry Craig Implicated in Wiretapping Scandal
2007-12-17 10:31:00
KOCKRING, IDAHO...12/17/07 7:00am EST... Responding to newly surfaced reports proving his involvement in the forming Bush/Cheney Wiretapping Scandal , Senator Larry Craig (R ID) stated, "I have long been a champion of family values, straight-marriage, guns and patriotism, so I will not comment on my involvement." Asked by a reporter to explain why the reports indicate that he personally surveiled, from his Senate office up to twenty hours per day, the phone number 877-BIG-DICK, which is known to be a proprietary sex telephone number, Craig responded "Again, I'm a champion of family values . . . and I was, umm, conducting research for upcoming legislation." Asked then why his left forearm is twice the size of his right forearm, Senator Larry Craig reponded "Well . . . ummm, my research is very thorough."..AUTHOR'S NOTE: As is widely known, the "Big Brother" concept is central to many conspiracy theories. However, given the emerging Bush/Cheney Wiretapping Scandal, it appears they mi...

Joseph Lieberman: "I'm, Ummmm . . . Republindependemocrat"
2007-12-17 08:57:00
NEW HAVEN, CONNECTICUT...12/16/07 6:45pm EST...At a town hall meeting today, which was organized by his constituents on the front lawn of his home, Senator Joseph Lieberman (? CT) was asked to specifically state where his loyalties lie. Lieberman responded, "My loyalties lie with my party, my people and my country." Asked then to clarify which "party, people and country" he was referring to, Lieberman paused and then stated, "I am deeply offended by that vicious, hateful remark, because you all know darn well what I mean." Now avoiding tomatoes and rocks being thrown at him constituents, Lieberman stated "Ahhh get over it you peons . . . you've known all along I don't give a rat's ass about Connecticut . . . and I won't until it has an army I can manipulate into attacking Middle Eastern countries. Being hauled away to be hung, Lieberman stated, "No wait, I have solution . . . yeah, the 2nd Amendment . . . how quick do you think we can raise a militia?"..AUTHOR'S NOTE: Joseph Li...

Tom Delay: "Hey America, Go F&ck Yourself"
2007-12-16 10:57:00
SUGER LAND, TEXAS...12/16/07 12:00pm EST...Earlier today, Former House Whip Tom Delay , who is best known for being the partisan force behind the Clinton impeachment, for jerrymandering Texas, and for being shamed out of office in the Jack Abramoff corruption scandal, gave a rare interview. Speaking to onlookers while he collected refuse from along a roadside, Delay nervously stated that he was "using the next couple hours to pay off his debt to society." With bystanders then calling for his public hanging, an agitated Delay stated "Fine, yell all you want you pathetic peons . . . but just remember, when this sh!t's over, I'm cashing out my Swiss accounts and retiring in style." Quizzed by onlookers about the sourcec of the funds in his Swiss accountants, Delay stated, "I didn't say Swiss accounts . . . I said . . . Miss Malounts." Again hearing calls for his public execution, Delay stated, "You're all the same . . . never forget it . . . and also don't forget that in about two ...
More About: America

Condi Rice: "Bibi Netanyahu is Stalking Me"
2007-12-15 09:51:00
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL...12/14/07 10:00pm EST...Militant alarmist and Likud mouthpiece Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu apologized today just hours after slapping Condoleeza Rice in the face for "disagreeing" with him. Quizzed about the "disagreement," Bibi stated, "Condoleeza said her upbringing in the U.S. south gives her sympathy for the terrorists . . . so [she's] a terrorist too." Asked how he planned to address this latest threat, Bibi stated, "As a precursor to any peace settlement discussions, she must rid herself of her thoughts." Asked about public perception of such a move, Bibi stated, "She started it . . . all she had to do was agree with me."..AUTHOR'S NOTE: So long as Likud and Hamas are popular on opposing sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, Mid-East peace will be difficult if not impossible to obtain. Watch the video below to get a better idea of the pressures Ehud Olmert is facing. Ehud's no angel, but with peace being the goal, I wish him luck.
More About: Condi Rice , Stalking , Condi

Al Sharpton Seeks Hillary's Senate Seat
2007-12-15 09:49:00
BROOKLYN, NEW YORK...12/15/07 1:45am EST...Delivering an unannounced speech this morning through a bullhorn on the streets of New York City, part-time reverend and full-time racial-tension expert, Al Sharpton , announced "If Hillary's seat is vacated, then I want it." He then stated, "I want to be your Senat or . . . me, Al Sharpton: S, H, A, R, P, T, O, N." Sharpton then said, "Seriously, I'll give you anything, just vote for me . . . me, Al Sharpton: S, H, A, R, P, T, O, N. Fielding questions from the audience, Sharpton was asked, "Will you shut the &%$@ up, we're trying to sleep: S, L, E, E, P."..AUTHOR'S NOTE: Al Sharpton is a hustler, plain and simple. Oh sure, he cloaks himself in the aura of civil rights, but when it comes right down to it, it's all about Al. So in the end, while he does occasionally get a few things right, Al's problem is the same as most the people on this website: He holds himself out as perfect while judging others. So I think it's a safe bet tha...
More About: Seat , Senate

Nicolas Sarkozy - "I Missed All The Neo-Con Fun"
2007-12-15 09:46:00
PARIS, FRANCE...12/14/07 4:30am EST...Speaking at a news conference today, recently elected French President Nico las Sarkozy fielded questions about France's newly acquired neo-conservative agenda. Shaking his head with disappointment, Sarkozy stated "My handlers and I came on the scene a couple years too late . . . we missed all the neo-con fun . . . the threats, propaganda, weapons-deals, wars, travel, speeches, backslapping . . . we missed it all." Again shaking his head with disappointment, Sarkozy added, "So to make up for lost time, we neo-cons have seized control of France." Quizzed about the wisdom of becoming the new world-leader for the neo-conservative agenda, Sarkozy stated, "We neo-cons have no choice . . . we've been thrown out of office in America, England, Italy, Japan, Australia - everywhere." Questioned then about the French peoples' willingness to adopt a policy of greed and empire building, Sarkozy stated, "We're betting the French will roll over and play dea...
More About: Nicolas Sarkozy

Bill Clinton: "I Didn't Want NAFTA"
2007-12-14 12:56:00
DETROIT, MICHIGAN ...12/15/07 5:30pm EST...Speaking to a group of displaced auto workers today, former President, and current co-Presidential candidate, Bill Clinton , stated "I never . . . had trade relations . . . with that treaty." He then said, "That's right, I never wanted NAFTA . . . it was them purist academics and industrialists . . . a bunch of mumbo jumbo about efficiency and competitive advantage . . . hell, I didn't understand any of it." Asked by an audience member what he thinks Hillary should do to make up for NAFTA's shortcomings, Bill responded, "Ummmm, well . . . what do you think? Yeah, I think whatever you think . . . and that's what I'll do . . . I mean that's what Hillary will do . . . I mean that's what she should do." Asked then whether conflicting statements he was making might be used against him on the Internet, Clinton replied, "Yeah, I hate that damn Internet." After a short pause, he smiled, winked, and said, "Yep, bein' slick was a heck of a lot...
More About: Linton

Bill O'Reilly Fired by Fox News
2007-12-14 11:58:00
SYKO, NEW YORK...12/14/07 4:26pm EST...Acknowledging today his complicity in the media propaganda machine that assisted the invasion of Iraq, sensationalist Bill O 'Reilly admitted that he "publicly staked [his] career on WMD being found in Iraq." Stated O'Reilly, "My dismissal needs to happen . . . I have a dinosaur mentality from the 1950s . . . and I'm a man too, so I stand by my statement . . . I said it, I was wrong, and now my career is over." Asked what he planned to do, O'Reilly stated, "I'm a patriot madame . . . and a man of the people . . . I'm going back to my first profession - teaching." Asked where he planned to teach, O'Reilly stated, "Oh I don't know, whereever I can make $10 million a year selling coffee mugs to idiots."..AUTHOR'S NOTE: I was in college during the run-up to the Iraq War, and I distinctly remember driving to class one day while flipping the radio stations. Well, I came upon O'Reilly's show, and I'll never forget what he said. O'Reilly sa...
More About: News , Fox News , Fired

Scooter Libby "Too Short To Ride Roller Coasters"
2007-12-14 10:56:00
SANTA CLARITA, CA...12/14/07 2:45pm EST...Former White House insider Scooter Libby met today with attorneys to finalize the dismissal of his appeal of felony convictions for obstruction of justice and perjury. After meeting for "several hours," Libby and his attorneys spent the rest of the afternoon "playing" at Six Flags Amusement Park. Stated Scooter, "I got candy and soda and pizza and tacos and candy and doughnuts and a funnel cake." Asked then why he wasn't riding any of the park's roller coasters, Libby responded, "They won't let me . . . I have to be at least four feet eight inches tall . . . but maybe next summer." Added Scooter, "I had a great time at the petting zoo . . . except when I almost got locked up." Quizzed about being "locked up," Scooter responded, "Yeah, I went in to pet the goats . . . and heard the cage closing behind me." Asked if he was frightened, Libby responded "No, my friends and I had the combination to the lock.".VIDEO BELOW: RON PAUL ON SCOOTER LI...
More About: Ride , Short

Ann Coulter: "Which Next, Boobs or Adam's Apple?"
2007-12-14 10:24:00
RUBY RIDGE, IDAHO…12/14/07 6:42am EST…Broadcasting from her compound in Idaho, best selling author Ann Coulter reached out with a personal request to her shortwave audience. Stated Colter, “Now that my beans and frank are finally gone, what do you, my adoring, gushing fans, think I should do next: More breast implants or an Adam’s apple reduction?” Within moments, a man calling himself "EndOfTime" responded "Getchur tits done." Agreeing, and gushing with flatery, Ann responded, "Okay, that's what I was thinking . . . but the only problem is I still have my man nipples." After a brief moment of thought, Ann laughingly added, "Oh well, I'll just go to some third-world Hell hole and buy some nipples off some third-world bitch that isn't going to use them for anything but overpopulation." Responding gleefully, EndofTime stated "Yeah, those third-world whores deserve what they get." Responded Coulter, "Amen, good buddy."..AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hate is a strong word, and like other...
More About: Apple

Henry Kissinger: “Girrrrggle, merrrrrk, blaaacchht, burp.”
2007-12-14 00:19:00
GOLAN HEIGHTS, ISRAEL…12/13/07 9:07pm EST… In an increasingly rare telephone interview, Former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger provided insight into both the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian Conflict and the Annapolis peace process. Stated Kissinger, “Urrrb, giirrrggle, burp, toot, hacht, burp.” Quizzed as to the precise meaning of his statements, and after a several minute pause, Kissinger remarked, “Haacccht, blurrrp, blopper, birrrrgle, pluurrrb.” Not making headway with the interpretation, the reporter then asked Kissinger how he felt about his new status as a deceptive, secret-meeting, Pinochet Jr., New World Order laughingstock. Kissinger responded, “Blergle, heerrrp, globber, burble, glopper, burp.".VIDEO: HENRY & HIS NEW WORLD ORDER

Hugo Chavez: "I Love George Bush"
2007-12-13 18:37:00
CARACAS, VENEZUELA…12/13/07 12:22pm EST…Speaking from his palace, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez heaped praise upon his American counterpart when he stated “I love George Bush . . . seriously, after oil, he’s the next best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Asked to clarify, Chavez stated, “If it wasn’t for Bush, what would I talk about?” Chavez then said, “Please George, after losing the vote to become dictator for life, I need some publicity . . . so I promise not to call you Devil or donkey . . . just please do something stupid – anything.” Asked what he meant by “something stupid,” Chavez stated, “I don’t care . . . an illegal war, a microphone with no script – anything, I’m desperate.".VIDEO: BUSH ON CHAVEZ & DEMOCRACY.
More About: Love , George Bush

McCain Drops Out of 2008 Election
2007-12-13 02:19:00
PARADISE VALLEY, AZ…12/12/07 8:05pm EST…Giving a press conference beside the Olympic sized pool and 3rd century B.C. statues adorning the backyard of his wife’s 40,000 square foot mansion, Presidential candidate and Senator John McCain (R AZ) announced today that he is dropping out of the 2008 Election . Stated McCain, “My friends, it appears . . . I no longer have any friends . . . seriously, I couldn’t get reelected in this state if I had Charles Keating’s money.” Asked what he would miss most about campaigning, McCain stated, “My friends, I don’t know what this Old Soldier will miss most, but I can tell you what I’ll miss least . . . campaigning in the upper Midwest.” Quizzed about his regard for the Midwest, McCain said, “My friends, it’s so bad there in the winter that we won’t even send our troops there.” McCain then laughed and said, "My friends, seriously, military-base golf courses and the Midwest do not go together."..AUTHOR'S NOTE: Though I h...

Newt Gingrich: "Yes, I'm Running for President"
2007-12-12 00:10:00
MACON, GA…12/11/07 5:20pm EST…At a rally for supporters today, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced his candidacy for the 2008 President ial Election. Quizzed about his late start, Gingrich stated “The Republican Party is almost dead – literally – so I’m doing whatever I can to prolong the inevitable.” Asked then about his chances of winning the Republican primary, Newt stated “It’s going to be a fight, but I have a loyal base of octogenarians, Fox News doomsdayists, AIPAC members, weapons dealers and Dixie wavin’ southerners.” Asked then if he would like to "super size [his] hamburger combo," Gingrich stated “Ummm, sure . . . but can I pay for this with a credit card?".VIDEO: OLBERMAN RIPPING NEWT
More About: Running

Barbara Bush Stars on Reality Marriage TV
2007-12-11 10:29:00
CRAWFORD, TX…12/11/07 10:15am EST…Presidential twin Barbara Bush announced today that she will star in an upcoming season of the hit show “Please, I’ll Marry Anyone.” Stated Barbara, “If that slut thinks she’s the only one who’s getting a White House wedding, then she’s a stupid wench.” Asked if there is animosity between her and twin sister Jenna, Barbara stated “You bet – that skank’s favorite pastime is sitting around in her own fart clowds.” Quizzed as to the source of their tension, Barbara stated “Have you ever smelled her farts?"
More About: Stars , Marriage , Reality

Paul Wolfowitz & Shaha Riza Sex Tape Leaked Onto Internet
2007-12-10 20:37:00
ATLANTIC CITY, NJ . . . 12/10/07 6.42am EST . . . Speaking by telephone, Former Assistant Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz , and longtime love interest Shaha Riza, have confirmed that a sex tape of the two is circulating the Internet . Stated Wolfowitz, “Everything in my life is going wrong . . . not only is my doctrine of preemption a laughingstock, but I will be too when people see my schmutzpeepee.” Stated Shaha Riza, “I want to make it perfectly clear that I was faking it . . . he’s good for pay raises, but that's about it.”..AUTHOR'S NOTE: Only a masochist would want to watch Wolfy and Shaha bump uglies. If that's you, then good luck finding their tape. For the rest of us, we'll have to suffice with a documentary. So kick back and watch the video below entitled The Wolfowitz Doctrine.
More About: Paul Wolfowitz , Leaked

Giuliani's Divorce from Cousin Never Finalized
2007-12-10 00:46:00
KINLOVE, WV…12/09/07 6:27pm EST…Republican Presidential candidate Rudolf Giuliani’s first wife, second cousin, and third headache this week, Regina Peruggi-Giuliani, is seeking support for the period beginning 1982 up to last week, when their marriage was legally dissolved. Stated Peruggi-Giuliani, “It seems there was a mix up with the divorce. . . I told him to do it, he told me to do it . . . long story short, we were still married as of last week.” Giuliani, who has been married twice since leaving his cousin, has been unavailable for comment. His spokesperson, who was reached by telephone, stated “Yes, Rudy was still married to his cousin Regina . . . but no, he’s not a polygamist.” Ask to explain, Giuliani’s spokesman said “This wasn’t a real marriage . . . it was nothing more than grown-ups playing doctor . . . ummm, at a family reunion.”.VIDEO BELOW: MORE RUDY HIGHLIGHTS
More About: Divorce

Mitt Romney's Son Denied Mormon Mission to Vatican City:
2007-12-09 22:53:00
FOURMAMAS, UT . . . 12/09/07 4:37pm EST . . . On a mid-campaign holdover at his home, Presidential candidate Mitt Romney revealed that “The intolerant nation of Vatican City has denied my brother . . . err, son, his sacred and honored opportunity to evangelize the New World gospel of our faith.” Romney further stated, “For several generations now we’ve sent missionaries to nations the world over, so I cannot understand why Vatican City should be different." Romney further stated, "Come on people, it's not like we ever convert anyone anyway.” Speaking on condition of anonymity, a Papal spokesperson was quoted as saying, “Listen, they’re nice and all . . . but can you blame us?”.VIDEO: FUNNY LDS-INSPIRED MISSIONARIES
More About: Mission , Mormon

Hillary Taps Chelsea as Secretary of State
2007-12-09 18:15:00
CORALVILLE, IA . . . 12/9/07 10:15am EST . . . This morning Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, along with husband Bill Clinton and daughter Chelsea Clinton, spoke to a group of supporters at a Hardee’s restaurant. After suggesting last Friday that “Bill would probably be my first Supreme Court nominee,” Mrs. Clinton today stated, “Ladies, and men, I would like to introduce you to our next Secretary of State , Chelsea Clinton.” Asked about Chelsea’s limited experience, Senator Clinton stated, “The Secretary of State position isn’t a big deal…I mean look at Condi, it’s not like anyone actually expects her to accomplish anything.” Clinton then laughed and said, “Plus, can you even name Bill’s Secretary of State?” Taking the microphone, and blushing with an enormous toothy smile, Chelsea said “I’d like to give a shoutout to the fry cooks."

John Bolton Renovates NYC CO-OP Into Doomsday Bunker
2007-12-09 02:44:00
NEW YORK CITY…12/09/07 3:48am EST…Former U.N. Appointee John Bolton gave a rare telephone interview this morning from his fortified home in New York. Located in an unspecified area of Manhattan, all that is known publicly about Bolton's fortification is that “it was formerly a co-op, with a view of the Hudson.” Stated Bolton, “I met a lot of resistance when I attempted to buy in…I didn’t have the votes…so I visited the Coop-President, and after successful negotiations, it was decided this voting nonsense was a threat to domestic habitation.” Stated Bolton, “The Coop-President not only brokered the sale of the unit I sought, but also the sale of every other unit to me.” Gloated Bolton, “I live by the Golden Rule…he who has the gold, makes the rules.".VIDEO BELOW: "J-BOLT" MAKING AMERICA PROUD
More About: John Bolton , Doomsday

Donald Rumsfeld: "I Got Your Yellowcake Right Here."
2007-12-08 11:37:00
BISMARCK, ND…12/08/07 7:15am EST…Former U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld appeared this morning on the popular television show “Good Morning Bismarck.” Rumsfeld, a last minute replacement for “Tiny Thelma’s Tin Can Band,” was challenged by host Anita Biscuit about misinformation promulgated in the lead up to the Iraq War. Stated Rumsfeld, “If I have to plant it myself, we’re still gonna find yellowcake.” Asked to “Say more about that stuff,” Rumsfeld stated, “I can do better than that.” Holding up a rumpled paper bag, Rumsfeld stated, “Saddam’s yellowcake is in here, in my…umm, briefcase.” Asked by Biscuit if he brought “enough yellowcake for everyone,” Rumsfeld responded “Well, okay, but this stuff aint easy to find."
More About: Donald Rumsfeld , Yello

Kucinich Heckled About UFOs
2007-12-06 23:38:00
TIFFIN, IA…12/06/07 4:15pm EST…Speaking at a rally today, Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D OH) was attacked by a husband and wife team of hecklers. After hearing the husband, who was wearing an alien costume, repeat no fewer than twenty times “Beam me up, Denny,” Kucinich eventually responded “Yes, I saw a UFO, an unidentified flying object…but I didn’t say it was from outer space.” Kucinich then added, “Plus look at your wife, she looks a beat up old garbage can with legs.” Drawing immediate support from the audience, Kucinich said “Now look at my wife…let’s see you pull that off, Mr. Spock.” Curiously enough, though the husband was dressed as an alien, his wife was actually wearing a garbage can costume.
More About: Ufos

Sen. Trent Lott: "Yeah, Kids Die in War"
2007-12-06 20:50:00
BIGBUX, VA…12/06/07 12:15pm EST…Officials for U.S. Senator Trent Lott (R MS), who recently submitted his resignation effective year end, announced today that on January 1, 2008 he will become Chairman of the Board and CEO of Dirty Deeds, Inc., a multi-billion dollar U.S. security contractor providing war services in Iraq. While boarding his private Boeing 777, Lott was quizzed about the ethics of the timing, to which he responded, “Yeah , kids die in war, but I can’t think about that, I’ve got shareholders calling me.” Lott then chided President Bush for “not being aggressive enough with Tajikistan over its desire to acquire nuclear tipped spears.” Lott added, “Unless you’re speaking in reference to Senator Larry Craig, dirty bombs are not our biggest threat.” Asked to explain, Lott added “You know what, I get paid by the body, so all I can say is, yeah, Iraq and Afghanistan aren’t fun, but Tajikistan’s different…those people are totally backwards."
More About: Kids

Bush "Mulls" Suspending 2008 Elections
2007-12-06 20:49:00
SPITBAWL, TX…12/06/07 8:54am EST…In a surprising announcement Thursday morning, President George W. Bush , flanked by Vice President Dick Cheney, Attorney General Michael Makasey and Army General David Petraeus, announced, “We’re at war people, and in war times, the President has powers, war powers, and as Attorney General Makasey will soon confirm, one of them war powers is suspending elections.” Bush added, “I’m ordering the reupdeployment of 400,000 National Guard troops, hereafter to be referred to as the Constitutional Guard, to be deployed to multivarious hot spots throughout the Blue States.” Holding-up a photo of Pervez Musharraf, President Bush then stated “Pakistan is the new model for our new homeland.” Chuckled Bush, “What do expect? Republicans need time to find new candidates … my God, have you seen 'em, they make Brownie look good."
More About: Elections , 2008

Dr. Howard Dean: "Reform the Patients First"
2007-12-06 20:47:00
IOWA CITY, IA…12/05/07 8:28PM…On Wednesday DNC Chair Dr. Howard Dean addressed a group of urologists at the University of Iowa Hospitals. Speaking about health care reform, Dean stated “We need to start by reforming the patients.” He added, “People don’t understand how tired we doctors are of constantly having to listen to people complain about stomach aches.” He then stated, “We need to make it clear that medicine is moving forward…and we’re now focusing on conditions like restless leg syndrome.” At the conclusion of the forum, the Brotherhood of Urologists, Local 219, awarded Dean with a solid gold three-foot-tall statue of male genitalia. Stated Dean, “I promise when we reform medicine, and doctors are mentioned, I'll use this on taxpayers at every opportunity…yeeeeeeehaaaw."
More About: Reform , Patients