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Killing Abortion Doctor = Terrorism
2009-06-01 00:04:00
Throwing acid in a young girl’s face to prevent her from going to school. Strapping on a bomb and detonating it in a crowded restaurant. Walking into a church and killing a man who performs abortions. How is one of the above acts any different from the other? Terrorism is defined as the systematic use of terror or violence especially as a means of coercion. Dr. George Tiller was killed today. The goal was not only to end his life, but to send a clear message to abortion providers all over the country. And the rest of us, too. Free-thinking and rational people who want to live by the rule of law should be alarmed. This act of terrorism by a radical anti-abortion wingnut must remind us to be ever-vigilant when it comes to extremists in our own country as well as overseas. The fact that Dr. Tiller was murdered during a church service is mind-boggling. The anti-abortion movement that advocates stalking doctors and harming them is, at its core, motivated by religious fanatics (as ...
More About: Abortion , Doctor , Killing

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Bleed ‘Em
2009-05-30 16:27:00
Once, when I was in Colorado Springs, a coworker invited me into his classroom to watch a video. “Porn?” I asked. So hopeful. “No,” he said. “It’s about End Times.” Sure enough, the video, about five minutes long, showed how true believers will disappear during the Rapture, leaving nonbelievers behind to fight an epic battle. Those who resist conversion will ultimately be doomed to spend eternity in a lake of fire. After the video was done, my coworker looked at me with sadness in his eyes. “What do you think about that?” he asked. “All of us gone and enjoying eternity?” I winked at him. “I think it’s great. I’ll finally be able to get a parking spot at the mall.” But like my friend Julie says, we should stop making fun of these wingnuts and instead learn how to get rich off them. That’s why Joshua Witter, avowed atheist, is my hero. He started this website as a joke, but soon found that...
More About: Beat , Bleed

Spelling Bee Champions as Whores for Scripps and Other Sponsors?
2009-05-29 15:32:00
When my children were babies, a few people suggested they be put to work. “Their pictures could be used to sell anything from diapers to high chairs.” My kids? Models? Maybe for birth control… Husband and I declined all offers of fame and fortune. “Come on,” people said. “It could pay for their college tuition.” “Isn’t that our job?” I asked. Putting children in front of a national or global audience is almost always glorified child abuse. Whenever I hear about events like the Little League World Series where dozens of young boys are crying on the baseball field, and broadcast straight into millions of living rooms, my heart breaks for them. Adults have a hard time dealing with that kind of adulation and pressure. What makes us think our young ones can handle it? Kids should be able to get through major events in their lives without flashing bulbs, crowds, or scrutiny. Last night, the Scripps National Spelling Bee was tel...
More About: Sponsors , Champions , Whores

Tales of a Fourth Grade Something
2009-05-28 01:53:00
My children are about to begin summer vacation. Which means I’m about to begin drinking before noon. They will attend tae kwon do camp along with swimming and dancing lessons. My mother is telling people her summer job is about to begin. I told everyone at the office, “Stock up on green tea, bitches – I’m comin’ in.” Gotta have some peace and quiet and Muzak. Hopefully I’ll be able to replenish the brain cells that get destroyed every time I yell, “Inside voice”, “Walking feet” or “Leave Grandpa alone – he’s watching Venom Hunter!” I can’t believe my babies are done with third grade. It won’t be long before high school comes along and I start wondering, “Where did the years go? It seems like just yesterday they were in elementary school and now they have back hair. What the fuck?” Can’t wait. But for now, I’m going to soak them in and love all that is wonderful, delicious, and delightful about my two nine year-old boys. Should only take a m...
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Daddy, Please Pass the Genetically Modified Rice
2009-05-27 15:21:00
…from Greenpeace. Rice is daily food for half of the world’s population. Genetically modified (GM) rice, on the other hand, is a threat to our agriculture, our biodiversity and a possible risk to our health. At present, GM rice is not grown commercially anywhere in the world. But Bayer, the German chemical giant, has genetically manipulated rice to withstand higher doses of a toxic pesticide called glufosinate, which is considered to be so dangerous to humans and the environment that it will soon be banned from Europe. Check out this video. In just a few weeks, the European Union will decide whether or not this GM rice can enter EU countries, appear on supermarket shelves and end up on our dinner plates. If the EU approves the import of Bayer GM rice, farmers in the US and elsewhere may soon start planting it. Do something about it before it gets here.
More About: Daddy , Pass

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
2009-05-26 22:02:00
I hate having to defend myself. Doesn’t it just suck when you feel the need to point out the obvious? But a few good friends have gone out on a limb to defend me and I believe it’s time I speak for myself. Back in October, over seven months ago, I heard about a former classmate who had cancer. I wrote the following article asking for my readers to pray and send positive thoughts. Please read it. Then read it again. Then maybe one more time. We good? Okay, let’s continue. In December of 2008, I wrote about her foundation. I talked about my family’s tradition of donating to a worthy cause for Chanukah and that her foundation would be our cause of choice that holiday season. I encouraged my readers to donate as well. Please read it. Then read it again. Then maybe one more time. In February, I wrote a quick post to update readers because I’d received so many queries about her progress. Read that too if you like. Then again until it all starts to sink in. That brings the tota...
More About: Good , No Good

A Message From Conservative Outpost About the Real Threat Facing America
2009-05-26 16:44:00
It isn’t swine flu or a recession. It’s not North Korea or tight-fitting bras. It’s not even killer treadmills. The real threat facing America , according to Conservative Outpost, is gay marriage. They sent an email imploring their followers to act immediately…or else. I receive some crazy-ass emails (more on that later) but this takes the cake… Dear Fellow Conservative (snicker): Just a few weeks ago, gay marriages were held in Iowa by edict of their Supreme Court - and Vermont’s legislature legalized gay marriage in that state. Just yesterday, the New Hampshire House of Representatives failed to pass a gay marriage bill by ONE vote. But it failed to pass because gay activists opposed the final version since it exempted pastors and churches from being forced to perform gay marriage! Clearly our elected officials are out of touch. Even now, liberal Democrats in Congress are discussing overturning the 1996 Federal Defense of Marriage Act, whic...
More About: Message , Real , Threat

How To Prepare for A Chamberlain High School Reunion. Or Not.
2009-05-25 20:23:00
“To thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Sometimes, I’m sure my mother wishes she didn’t stress the importance of that famous Shakespearean quote. Or maybe she wishes sometimes that I didn’t take it to heart so completely. But she did. And so I did. And the rest is history. Which leads to this upcoming weekend and what Cathy so lovingly refers to as: The Cancer Golf Party. At first, I wasn’t going to go. Although I’ve donated to the cause before, my closest friends were supposed to be off having a baby, traveling to Aruba, unable to make the trip, or simply not interested. I didn’t feel like going alone. Talking to one girl who couldn’t make the trip, we’ll call her Sarah, I joked and said I’d go only to make one of my silly videos. Sarah got an idea. “Why don’t you make a video ahead of time to get more people interested in coming?” she asked. I declined. Several times. The peop...
More About: School , High School , High , Reunion

Radio Ga Ga
2009-05-25 01:14:00
Mitch Perry over at WMNF did me a solid and interviewed the organizer of next weekend’s Driving Miss Darby event. If you’re inclined to go, there is still time to reserve your spot. Listen to this clip around 41:00 and whenever you’re in town, tune in. WMNF rocks almost as much as I do.
More About: Radio

Julia Roberts and Her Bare Belly Cheer Me Up
2009-05-24 17:33:00
Even though I got a tummy tuck, I’m happy to see real women laying it out there for the world to see. Besides, I’ve still got hips. I ain’t perfect. But I’m going to put on a bathing suit anyway, take pictures, and dare you not to go from six to midnight. Three cheers for Julia .
More About: Julia Roberts , Cheer , Bare , Belly

Random Thoughts: Parenting, Anal Rape, and Texting Teenage Drivers
2009-05-23 22:56:00
I’m hard on bad parents because they are ruining the world. They park their kids in front of inappropriate television shows or violent video games. They ignore them. They feed them garbage. They put work and happy hour before family. They over-medicate and often don’t teach their kids to take no for an answer. Then these same parents act surprised when their fat, high, spoiled, or stupid teenagers make awful choices. Instead of looking within for fault, they blame others and hire high-priced lawyers to continue the cycle. Good parents sometimes make mistakes. But bad parents are worse. Bad parents are collectively responsible for failing schools, high crime rates, youth violence, obese children, and a host of other ills plaguing society. And then their kids have more kids and the cycle keeps repeating itself. When are we going to stop the madness? Here are some local stories about a few bad seeds whose parents should be investigated right along with their kids. Four stu...
More About: Drivers , Parenting , Random Thoughts , Random , Thoughts

Wendy’s Comes Off the Boycott List, but Wal-Mart Stays On
2009-05-22 23:50:00
That’s right, like every good American consumer, I have a boycott list. My list deals with companies that employ bad business practices or maybe I just don’t like the way they blend plaids and polka-dots. At any rate, the bastards don’t get my money. Wendy ’s got on my list years ago because the company stopped advertising on Ellen when she came out. But maybe my kids can finally dig on a Frosty after ten years because Wendy’s made the move toward cage-free eggs. Maybe. Wal-Mart made the list a few years back thanks to bad labor practices. They haven’t aged well. Now Wal-Mart is banning albums for the fun of it. So Wendy’s and I can start texting again, but Wal-Mart is still dead to me.
More About: List , Wal Mart

A Modern Family
2009-05-21 01:59:00
I wrote this a couple of months ago… My great-grandparents arrived from Ireland in the late 1800s and settled near Scranton, Pennsylvania. For the first few decades, these new Americans lived within the same ten-mile radius and lived out their dreams - together. They worked blue-collar jobs and rarely made ends meet, but they were happy and considered themselves blessed. Their children married children of Irish Catholic immigrants and raised a ton of offspring who married grandchildren of Irish Catholic immigrants. Along the way, education and salaries rose, but the extended family stayed rooted together in the same part of the country. My mother still tells stories about her close knit clan of cousins. They went to the same schools, spent weekends and vacations together, and grew up the best of friends. My mother’s generation went off to war or on to college, but most of them returned home to raise us like their parents had raised them. But somewhere along the way, things...
More About: Family , Modern

Something to Think About for Memorial Day Weekend
2009-05-19 13:49:00
What is Memorial Day all about? This is my annual attempt to reveal the meaning of this weekend’s holiday so here we go… For most people, next Monday is just another day off. It’s an occasion to sleep late, relax at the beach, or enjoy potato salad at family barbecues. Ten years ago, my family started a new tradition of observing certain holidays by honoring the reasons they became holidays in the first place. On the Fourth of July, for example, we take turns reading the Declaration of Independence. Charities devoted to former soldiers need help on Veteran’s Day and urban renewal projects look for volunteers on Martin Luther King Day. On Labor Day, we watch Grapes of Wrath and curse the man. See a pattern? We acknowledge the meaning behind days off, teach our children some history, and serve our community at the same time. Everyone wins. Memorial Day is an annual opportunity to pay tribute to those who have died for our country. There are many ways to demonstrate our apprec...
More About: Weekend

What Five Songs Describe You?
2009-05-16 23:22:00
Facebook has a million of these little exercises, but I haven’t seen this one yet. Are there songs that describe your personality, winning smile, or philosophy on life? What are they? Me first. Oh yes, these quotes and songs are perfect. Get to know me and sing along. This first one, perhaps more than the others, almost says it all. In fact, this is the quote I picked to be my epitaph… “Whatever it may bring, I will live by my own policies. I will sleep with a clear conscience. I will sleep in peace.” When I was in college, I had to bring in a song that described me, so I chose this one … “She is frequently kind, then she’s suddenly cruel. But she can do as she pleases, she’s nobody’s fool.” Before Hillary, goddamn it, this song was mine… “In a world that keeps on pushin’ me around, but I’ll stand my ground.” I laugh at funerals and think you’re funny when you’re mad… &...
More About: Songs

Sickles High School in Trouble for Crotch Shot Photo
2009-05-15 02:35:00
Another Sickles’ goof or goof-up? When I first heard about the bare vagina on display in the pages of Sickles High School ’s 2009 yearbook, I laughed out loud. One of those deep belly laughs that last for five minutes. My tongue hangs out. I grab my sides. The works. I could just picture the yearbook advisor catching shit. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Oh yes. Another grand example of a Tampa teacher’s piss-poor judgment. Funny stuff. Suddenly, I stopped laughing. A sixteen year-old had posed for a club picture without underwear and her hoo-ha was on display for the world to see. That’s what I’d been told. Who in their right mind would greenlight such a spread? Why would someone in the district support distributing the yearbook and suggest the Sickles junior “laugh it off?” A few years ago, someone spotted a kid with the word “Fuck” on his shirt in a Sickles yearbook. Administrators went apeshit and demanded final s...
More About: Photo , High School , Shot

I Could Kill Someone
2009-05-13 17:54:00
If you are threatened or battered to the point where you must take out a restraining order, and then the bully or batterer violates said restraining order, you should be able to kill that son of a bitch with no threat of legal action whatsoever. Period. Let me be very clear - I’m all for gun control. Armor-piercing bullets and automatic weapons were never what our founding fathers had in mind when they included the right to bear arms in our constitution. And you know it. But I still think guns are the best form of protection. Concealed weapons are even better. You should be able to carry them, with few exceptions, everywhere you go. If the idea of a nervous, armed citizenry scares you, then maybe the world would be a better place if we had professionals in each city willing to pull the triggers for us. A co-worker heard me talking about this the other day and looked confused. “Aren’t you a liberal?” he asked. “I am.” “What kind of liberal t...
More About: Kill

A High School Reunion…but Join Us Anyway
2009-05-11 17:58:00
…in the wink of a young girl’s eye. The Driving for Driving Miss Darby Golf Tournament Saturday, May 30th at Heritage Isles at 10630 Plantation Bay Drive in Tampa, Florida. 1:00 p.m. $500.00 per foursome or $150.00 per individual. Memorial signs for friends and family who have battled cancer are also available for purchase. We are hoping to have a ton of these leading from the 18th hole back to the clubhouse. You can honor anyone you wish on these signs. The Driving for Driving Miss Darby Reunion Party 8:00 p.m. Saturday, May 30th at The Heritage Isles Clubhouse. $40.00 per person; free for anyone who golfs in the tournament. There will be food, cash bar, music, great raffles, great silent auction items, and opportunities for further donations. We are going to have a blast! Don’t miss it! Did you enjoy high school? If you could, would you go back to your teenage years and relive the experience? When I ask that question, and I’ve been asking it a lot lately, ...
More About: School , High School , Join , High

A Mother’s Day Gift From You to Me
2009-05-10 16:18:00
If you read this site because you: a) like it b) feel compelled despite ensuing nausea c) must compile data for accurate FBI file d) want to marry me …here’s what you can do for me on Mother ’s Day. Click on the ads in the sidebar to the right. My kids’ college funds aren’t going to pay for themselves. Follow Out in Left Field on Facebook and “Invite People to Follow.” (You can only invite 20 per day so don’t forget to go back and invite everyone!) Subscribe for free and get posts emailed to you from Out in Left Field and Olivia’s Kiss. (But come back and check out my ads every once in a while!) Follow Olivia’s Kiss on Facebook and “Invite People to Follow.” (Again, don’t forget to invite *all* your friends!) Follow OILF on Twitter and invite your followers to do the same. Send an email to friends and family telling them to support your favorite blogger. See? It’s not that difficult. And ...
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A Facebook Conversation - Ongoing
2009-05-09 17:03:00
Yesterday’s post about miracles elicited quite the conversation on Facebook . Here is a sampling for your amusement or irritation. Whichever you prefer. Danny: The best was when I was watching this thing on TV about pitcher Paul Byrd. He was losing every game he started and was about to be booted out of the majors. He said he sat down on the pitcher’s mound one night by himself and asked god to be his ‘pitching coach.’ He suddenly turned things around and saved his career. What a selfish ahole to ask god to become your own personal pitching coach with all the other problems out there in the world. Michelle: Yeah, I wonder what Polly Klaas, Adam Walsh, Samantha Runnion, and Sandra Cantu would have to say about “God looking after the little children”…but of course, the right-wingers’ argument to counter that would conveniently be, “because he wanted them in Heaven with him.” Yet they just had to suffer unspeakable torture at ...
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3 Year-Old Boy Lost for Two Days Found Safe - Just Don’t Call it a Mi
2009-05-08 15:45:00
I read this morning in the newspaper about a little boy lost for two days in Missouri. They finally found 3 year-old Joshua Childers alive and well, albeit tired and a bit scared, in the woods not far from where he disappeared. It’s hard to read the story and not get teary-eyed. My mom heard the good news and said, “Isn’t he resilient?” I agreed. “What a tough little kid!” I said. Then she added, “God must have a plan for him.” That’s when I step back and let the nutty train drive on without me. Why is it necessary to bring God into it? If God has a plan for this little boy, are we to believe that God didn’t have jack shit for the the millions of other kids who’ve died recently? “Hmmm,” I said. “What about the three month-old thrown from a car this week? His battered little body splattered all over the highway? No plan for him?” “Where was his mother?” she asked. “The same pla...
More About: Lost , Days , Call , Safe , Year

A New Variation on a Familiar Theme - The Summer Vacation
2009-05-07 00:44:00
“I’m on a pilgrimage to see a moose.” I’ve explored this before, but for those just joining us - What is anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia? No, I’m not talking about getting arrested at a political protest or losing your virginity. I’m talking about the legendary, feared, dreaded and lampooned Family Vacation . This summer, my family and I are flying to California, renting a car, and heading north. When relaying our plans to coworkers and friends, they usually start blinking nervously before wondering out loud, “Two nine year-olds in a car for a week? Are you high?” High on life, my friend. High. On. Life. There are two reasons for this trip. Guilt: I have been promising the kids a California vacation for the past three years. Instead they’ve been treated to three summers of “Are we moving to Colorado Springs again?” The annual road trips from Tampa to The Springs or back again included fun stops in Katrin...
More About: Summer , Theme

More Facebook Fun - Ongoing
2009-05-06 03:54:00
I might scream if one more person tells me about a life-altering event and then adds, “Don’t blog this.” I wrote as much on Facebook , which invites the smartasses in my life to play along. Addison - I’m gay….please don’t blog this. John - I’m planning on getting a haircut in the coming days. I need one. Please don’t blog this! Tam - I’m secretly in love with SuperDave, please don’t blog this. Wayne - I was once a political consultant, pls don’t blog this David - (insert life-altering bit of news) and please don’t blog this. Mark - I just read about an overly long-haired gay political consultant in love with SuperDave imparting generic yet life-altering news (while I could hear distant screaming)…but whatever you do, don’t blog that either. Clark - I’m blogging this conversation. Please don’t blog this. Cat - I still have a poster of WHAM! on my bedroom wall which makes my vagina hurt t...

Why I Won’t Join NOW or PETA
2009-05-05 01:18:00
You might think I’d be the perfect candidate for these two groups. Feminist? Check. Pro-Choice? Check. Vegetarian? Check. Animal-rights activist? Check. And yet I refuse to be associated with either organization. This is due to experiences I had over fifteen years ago in the early 1990s, but they are still relevant today. Check it. I went to a NOW recruitment meeting and they talked about pro-life women in unreasonably harsh tones. Called them backwards and narrow-minded and responsible for most of the misogyny in the world. One speaker even singled out Catholic women as being particularly weak. Even though I hadn’t considered myself Catholic in years and the religion deserves a great deal of criticism, I didn’t appreciate her condemnation of a whole group of women, many of whom I’m related to. I told her that Catholic, pro-life women were the ones who taught me to be strong and independent. Then I walked away. Around the same time, I actually belonged to PE...
More About: Join , Peta

Chapter 19 & 20
2009-05-02 16:18:00
Should Olivia give up an exciting career to settle down with Max? Or does she prefer her career killing worthless men? Ahh, the saga continues…
More About: Chapter

Five Things More Important than Pork Lung or Swine Flu or Whatever the Hell
2009-05-01 03:45:00
1. The Environment: A provision to allow oil drilling within three miles of our coast flew through the Florida House of Representatives. The Senate killed the bill, for now, but did *your* Representative vote for it? Find out now. 2. Country Music No Longer Sucks: You heard it here first. Phil Vassar wrote a song called Bobbi With an *i* about a good ‘ole country boy who likes to wear dresses and no one calls for him to be sodomized or thrown from the back of a Ford truck. 3. Women’s Issues: Two bills going through Congress will help reduce the need for abortions in this country: The Prevention First Act and The Pregnant Women Support Act. Folks with a lot to gain from the culture wars will try to convince you that these acts are in competition for the same funds. Reject their arguments. We need them both. 4. Gun Violence: In most states anyone can walk into a gun show and buy guns — like AK-47s — from unlicensed sellers without a Brady criminal background check. Las...
More About: Pork , Hell , Things

This Swine Flu Hysteria Has Been Brought to You By…
2009-04-28 22:38:00
Who is aware that there were two cops killed in Northern Florida this weekend? Anyone? All two of you…wow. That’s two more than I would have guessed. Instead of reporting real news of consequence, the media is focused on hysteria and confusion in the hopes of garnering more readers and viewers. Desperation is so not hot. But, like swine flu, it is contagious. Meanwhile, I’m fighting the urge to tell everyone I meet at the ballpark or the supermarket to read Philip Alcabes, grow some common sense, and employ a bit of wisdom. In other words, relax. And wash your hands. That sniffle ain’t swine flu. So far, this disease hasn’t killed a single person in the United States. Yet angry men with guns have killed dozens. Where is the outrage and sense of alarm over gun violence? Wow. Still all two of you. Amazing. Todd Schnitt was on the radio yesterday yelling about the woefully unprepared Obama Administration (because we don’t have a Surgeon General yet...
More About: Hysteria

Canoeing Down the Hillsborough River
2009-04-27 19:15:00
I’m about to endorse something I’ve previously spoken against - outdoor activity. Take a deep breath, collect yourself…and we’re back. Dig if you will the picture of me in a canoe with my three boys, paddling down the Hillsborough River , and *not* bitching about the sun, bugs, or humidity. I know. Mindblowing. Whether I’m attending little league baseball games, getting near-naked to swim in the ocean, or knowing all the words to a ridiculous Carrie Underwood song…I’m either an ever-evolving, ever-growing open-minded hottie who embraces life *OR* an embarrassment to free-thinking urbanites everywhere. Maybe both. But nevertheless, Saturday morning, deep in the heart of Thonotosassa, my family and I had a blast. The canopy of trees overhead keep out the harshest rays of sunlight and provide a home to hundreds of birds that delight paddlers with their pretty songs. Amidst all the green leaves and moss, you can spot dozens of winged creatures...

Cleaning Out the Old with the Old
2009-04-26 21:57:00
Is there anything more satisfying than an afternoon spent helping your parents clean out their garage? Helping Mom and Dad to live a less cluttered life is a way to give back to the two people who love you more than life itself. It’s a way to show your gratitude and appreciation for all those nights they babysit your kids and make delicious home-cooked meals. It’s a way to make room for your own shit until you find a place of your own. Dad got started yesterday and requested Mom’s help in disposing of a few items. (And when I say “few” I mean “970.” At least.) After a few minutes Mom walked back in the house holding a decorative basket. She looked around with furrowed brow. “Whatcha got there?” I asked. “I thought this would look nice somewhere.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe put some candles in it.” “Yes,” I nodded, thinking about all the baskets hanging around with old lottery tickets an...
More About: Cleaning

Christian License Plates Approved in Florida Senate
2009-04-25 21:58:00
All the Florida Senate had to hear was one word: Jesus. And that was good enough for them. They approved the latest Holy Roller-related license plates without even seeing them. But Senator Ronda Storms didn’t need to see them, she sees Jesus in her dreams each night and now she wants you to see Him too. Especially when stuck in traffic. Storms’ “I Believe” plate would benefit Faith in Teaching, an Orlando company that funds faith-based programs at schools. Its design features a cross over a stained-glass window. The government has no business manufacturing religious figures on license plates. The House killed a similar bill (praiseJesus) and the ACLU registered opposition (doublepraiseJesus.) My own Senator Victor Crist has a decent idea. For a change. Coming Monday: A push to eliminate all specialty plates within two years in favor of specialty stickers sold for use on standard Florida license plates. (This will) generate more revenue for charities and most...
More About: Christian , License