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Day 100: Schedule Change
2008-05-09 04:17:00
With the number of days until postulancy down to double digits, I'm still having a hard time switching my mindset from "sales guy" to "Franciscan guy." I've managed to stay out of the bars, avoid "complex" situations with the opposite sex, maintain a daily prayer life, and I'm far more giving as a salesman.But while the priorities in my life haven't reverted back to money and status, it's hard to act like a postulant...I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act now.As I sit in front of my notebook, furiously itching the numerous mosquito bites that riddle my body (long story), I realize that even though my goals throughout the day are different, my life will have much the same schedule.This is my average day now:6:30-7:00 Get up and take my morning walk.8:00 Shower after my walk, or if I decided to sleep in, wake up and stumble into the shower.9:00 Start work at the dealership. Look up emails from autotrader.com, return phone messages, prepare for any closings for that day.10:00...
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Day 103: The Final Chapter
2008-05-06 05:54:00
I've considered ending this blog after being accepted. By no means is my journey over; there's another 6 or 7 years before taking any permanent vows. In life, our times are divided into different chapters. These chapters are the building blocks of our lives as we travel from one life-changing event to the next. When we turn the last page on one part of our lives, we begin a new story.By receiving the call last Friday and being accepted as a Postulant, a significant part of my mind has been put at ease: the part that quietly told me how I wasn't good enough. This vocation, this journey, is no longer a dream; it has become real. Because of this I see myself changing, I can even feel it, in everything I say or do. I think the days of "Vito the salesman" are coming to a close, and with it I will end this tale.But before this story is over, there's 103 days left. And I promise, there's plenty of interesting things left to come. I spoke several weeks back of some big news (other than...
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Right Here Waiting
2008-05-02 17:13:00
I'm a big fan of Staind. Not only do I like the music, it seems like every song fits into the soundtrack of my discernment. I've written before about the song "It's Been Awhile" and how I felt about my return to my faith. It seems that stories of redemption, awakening, or enlightenment aren't just confined to stories of vocations. Average people like me, superstars like Staind; everyone has a story about their sense of self. As a Capuchin, I want to keep exploring these stories as well as tell mine to everyone I can.So here we are...the day of reckoning.I've willed myself to stop worrying. God's will is God's will. One of the hardest things I've had to learn in going from "sales guy" to "religious guy" is that I am NOT completely in control of my destiny. God has a plan, and regardless of what I want...God's plans and mine might not always go in sync. I still struggle with this concept, but I can accept whatever answer the Admissions Board renders.I have little else to say ...
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Excerpts Continued
2008-04-27 15:37:00
With 5 days left to go until I hear the answer, I've been reviewing some of the things I've done to apply, including my autobiography I wrote. In place of another post, I thought I'd add page three of that autobiography: my life with epilepsy.Epilepsy is something I rarely talk about here, partially because I feel my condition is controlled enough that it doesn't affect my life. The other reason is because I consciously ignore it. It is my one weakness, my Achilles Heel, and it's the one thing about my life I wish I could change. As I continue to find my place, I continue to find a place for my seizure condition in my life.There are times in my life where I feel I’m looking at the world through a plastic bag. The view is distorted, hazy, and I am not quite sure where I am or even who I am. My body is sore as if I’d run a marathon. I see faces surrounding me; I feel like I’m inside a huddle and everyone is discussing the next play. I’m asked such questions as “Do you ...

Expelled: A Movie Review
2008-04-26 04:13:00
After seeing the ads for Ben Stein's movie Expelled , I was intrigued and had to check this movie out. Rather than wait until the video came out on DVD, I went to the movie theater for the first time in years. I grabbed a bucket of popcorn and a box of Junior Mints and plopped down in my seat just as the previews ended.The basic theme of the movie is to show a divide that exists in modern science: the split created by the idea of Intelligent Design. Ben Stein meets with scientists from different colleges and different academic backgrounds who have been ostracized, lost tenure, and even lost their job for referencing Intelligent Design as a plausible alternative to the creation of life.I really expected more out of the movie, not in the way of apologetic debate, but in presenting arguments as to why these scientists felt that Darwin's Theory of Evolution was not the "perfect answer" that all the other scientists had accepted. In my experience, knowledge is the greatest tool when dis...
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Day 118: Awaiting the Final Answer
2008-04-21 06:27:00
On May 1, the Admissions Board for the Capuchin Franciscans will convene to review the applications of me and 8 other applicants to this fall's Postulancy class. For everything I've done to get this far in life, I still await the final letter of acceptance. I've known the Capuchins for over a year now, and after all the papers I retreived and all the forms I've filled out, I have another 10 days to wait and hear the decision of the board.There's little more I can say about this, other than I am still worried. I know I'm a "shoe in" yet perhaps out of past experience or a need to worry, I'm preparing myself for the good as well as the bad. 10 days until I know about the rest of my life. Honestly I try not to think about it during the day. God, grant me the strength to accept whatever this life gives me.
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Capuchin Vocations Update
2008-04-16 22:25:00
Things are still going well for me at the car dealership. Just yesterday, I was here until 10PM. A customer drove from Madison, Wisconsin to Grand Rapids in order to purchase a 1999 Mazda Millenia S.Last week I wrote about finishing the Vocations Update that the Capuchins have asked the candidates to write for the Order. It was a way for guys like us to introduce ourselves to the rest of the brothers, but a way to express our expectations and desires of why we are applying.Not only is mine finished, but it has been typed up and is now available at the Capuchin Franciscans web page: http://www.capuchinfranciscans.orgOn May 1, the Admissions Board for the Capuchin Franciscans will convene, and I will finally have the last word on my application. 14 days left to worry, hope, and pray.

All Debts Are Off!
2008-04-12 14:37:00
Lately I feel like a millionaire: I make more money than I know what to do with, and I always have that urge to go out and just spend. Ever since coming back to the car business, I've been extremely busy selling cars. My commission check have been monstrous, my bank account is fat, and all day at work, they hear me singing to Rick Ross: "Everyday I'm hustlin'!"Last week I got a check for over $2000. This week I didn't make as much...only $1500. I don't mean to brag about the money I'm making, but last month I was dealing cards for $50 a day. It took a week's worth of work to make $250. Yesterday I made $350 in less than an hour.The dynamic of the car business is that this is my chosen profession. Were I to continue to work for Bossman at his dealership, my income would continue to grow as the dealership grows. I could easily make $50,000 in 9 months of work, have plenty of vacation time, a company vehicle, and wake up everyday feeling like a pimp. Who in their right mind woul...

Meme: Stuff About Me
2008-04-11 04:13:00
After being tagged by Alice at Catholic Me (I Am Blessed), I am passing on a little more info about myself. I've picked up a few new readers along the way, and sometimes I wonder if people truly understand the irony of someone like me being called to a religious vocation.I've changed a few of the initial questions, but I'm sure it won't be any less informative.What I was doing ten years ago: At 23 I was working for an entertainment company, traveling to different college campuses from New Hampshire to Arizona...making music videos for college students. It was my first "great-paying" job, and I soon learned how I could spend retarded amounts of money without actually buying anything. Between drugs, women (well, college girls), and the superficial clothes/jewelry/shoes I bought, I managed to retain nothing after all these years.5 Snacks I Enjoy:1. Pizza Rolls2. Cottage Cheese with Canned Peaches3. Ramen Noodles w/ Parmesan Cheese and Jalapenos4. Beef Jerky5. Monster Energy DrinkTh...
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Easter Triduum Retreat Weekend (At Last)
2008-04-04 16:25:00
I know it took a week in the making, but pictures can often tell a better story than simple words, and I patiently awaited pictures of the event to share with everyone else. Thanks a lot to Brother Vince for sending me the whole DVD of pics.Friday afternoon I left Grand Rapids and headed around the lake to Burlington, Wisconsin. Ironically enough, I never got lost once on the freeways or driving through Chicago; upon entering Burlington, I drove around for 20 minutes, unable to find the Novitiate house.It was good to see some of my fellow brothers-to-be once again, but it was nice to meet so many new faces that were interested in learning more about the Order. The number that I'd been told these past few months was 8: out of 14 applications, they were "pretty sure" 8 would actually be a Postulant this year: myself, Parker, Rich, Dan, Stan, Quang, Quan, and Kyle. However we're still 4 months away, and many more people could come and go between that time.After catching up and gettin...
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Day 142: Turning 33
2008-03-29 03:46:00
Tonight I decided to have a little fun for my birthday. After selling a car and getting paid today, I went back to my old haunting grounds for a bit..Ye Olde Poker Room. I decided I wouldn't spend a large amount of money; rather I'd enter the tournament and have several hours of poker fun for $60. I lasted through 3 rounds before I went all in against pocket aces. I left a loser, but I was happy to see many of those faces once again.Mom made me a cherry cheesecake, something she's done for me since I was 16 years old. I don't remember ever having many birthday parties; maybe because I was always a solitary kid and chose to enjoy my cheesecake alone. Who knows the psychology behind it, but I take breaks between my typing to get a forkful of this delicious cake. Wow, already at 1/4 of it!Bill Hugo, the Vocations Director for the OFM Caps gave me a call this evening to wish me a happy birthday. He thanked me for coming out to the retreat and let me know that all my paperwork had be...

The Trouble With Women, Part III
2008-03-25 20:33:00
During this Triduum weekend, we had time for some faith-sharing. Around 5AM, we began to talk about our discernment stories, and how we've gone from "where we were" to "where we are."As the 6 or 7 of us listened to each other's story, I soon found myself talking about my life - not just as a salesman, but as a man who'd admitted to having an unhealthy attitude towards women. While all of my relationships with the opposite sex are strictly platonic at this point in my life, I spoke of my desire to fix women: this idea that love and intimacy could be shown strictly through my charity and sympathy. To say I don't understand women is a great understatement.One of the people in this circle was a woman from Cap Corps, a full-time volunteer program for men and women to help serve the needs of the poor and live as St. Francis told us. She works with men and women who have a history with abusive relationships. She has great wisdom, is a wonderful poet, and I was happy to have met her.Tod...
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Bitter Sweet
2008-03-24 15:53:00
The day after Easter, I find myself back in the saddle after spending the entire Triduum weekend in Burlington, Wisconsin with the Capuchin Noviciates. I'd expound on the weekend more, however I'm waiting for pictures to share the experience with everyone. There was singing, prayer, soccer, snowball fights, faith sharing, and most of all fraternity. I'll give a detailed account as soon as possible.A funny thing happened this morning: I realized I didn't miss my life in the "real world." While it was good to be back amongst people, I realized that when I go home tonight, there would be no brothers to share my day with, no one to tease as we make dinner, no one to share evening prayer with. I realized I would miss my brothers. Perhaps I didn't need to wait to become a Capuchin. In my heart, I already belonged. It is 146 days until Postulancy begins (I realized that August 1st wasn't the start date, rather August 17th) and I can't wait to live with community once again. Tonight,...
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Triduum Retreat
2008-03-20 04:34:00
This morning I leave for Burlington, Wisconsin to spend the Triduum Weekend with the Capuchin Franciscans of the St. Joseph province. This will be one of the last requirements for applying to the Order. When I leave Grand Rapids, I will bring all of the required documents, forms, and doctor's reports that were asked. After this weekend everything is completely in God's hands as to whether or not I'll be accepted.Often I try to compare it to joining college, since it's the only experience that comes close. The recruiter knows me well, I've visited the campus several times, I've met my possible classmates already, and I already know which dorm room I would get if I attended. The last and final formality is the acceptance. At college, it's done by an Admissions Board. It is much the same in the Capuchin Order, except the Head of the Province has the final say on who joins and who doesn't.While there are many other colleges that await an anxious high-school graduate, to be turne...
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The Final 3000
2008-03-17 17:23:00
I have less than $3000 left to pay in total debt, with a little more than 4 months to go until the start of Postulancy. While the Order has already told me they would help with some of the medical bills, I'm still doing everything I can to be paid off before entering.As I look back through some of my earlier blogs about my debt, I find it interesting how the actual amount keeps fluctuating. Last year at this time, my total debt $6500. Yet I've spend almost $8000 on nothing but bills and past debt. Now, I've found every little bill and debt, and I merely need to pay off the rest to be done and ready to go.One of those bills I mentioned before; I have an old ambulance bill that no one wanted to collect on. I did everything I could to contact the creditor, yet I couldn't call, email, or fax. In a last ditch effort, I wrote up a business letter. The order said they felt I did everything proper to try and find the creditor, but if I could not get it paid, that would be fine.This week...
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Meme: Seven New Sins
2008-03-13 14:36:00
Undoubtedly everyone's heard about the new sins decreed by the Vatican this week. As always, there are those who are either ignorant or patronizing of anything related to the Catholic Church. As such you get comments such as: "Who does the Pope think he is to make up new sins?" or: "Why is the Church meddling in social issues instead of concerning itself with the souls of men?"As a "left-leaning" Catholic myself, I feel that the social injustice sins have been a long time coming. We're connected like never before in the history of the world, able to affect so many people at once. As far as I can tell, they've simply expanded on the idea of the Seven Deadly Sins to include those acts which affect others on a much broader scale.What is a good Catholic with a sense of humor to do when everyone around him is taking these new sins either too seriously or no serious enough? Come up with a list of my own.While I don't foresee becoming an Archbishop or Pope anytime soon, this is the lis...
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Back In The Saddle
2008-03-11 04:13:00
I know my returning to the car business is probably not the prime example of discernment in action, however life has its own twists and turns, and rather than try to understand everything that's happening, I've accepted that things are in motion, and God's Will shall lead me wherever I am bound. For now, I will re-educate myself with the tricks of my trade.Walking back into the office this morning felt no different than it did 5 months ago. I stopped by Speedway for breakfast and a drink; it was the first real urge I had to buy a Monster Energy Drink since giving it up for Lent. I walked into the office and frantically tried to pick up the pieces from where the other sales guy had left off. There were new finance companies, new inventory, customers already waiting to come in and purchase a vehicle. I was finishing deals I'd not even known existed.I called all my car sales buddies. Yes, I was back in the business. No, I hadn't given up on the "priest thing." I'm only planning t...
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Everyday I'm Hustlin'
2008-03-08 15:01:00
Car sales is the closest thing to the mob. Everytime you think you're out, they pull you back in. Everyone knows everyone else, you're always watching out to make sure no one's cheating you, there's always plenty of drama, and the money...oh the money.One of the first things I learned in training so many years ago was that a car salesman never had to look for a job very long. If you're a good salesman, there's over 1 million dealerships in this country to choose from. Sales is a trade skill, and as such that skill is highly marketable and always in demand. A good salesman can improve company profits, create new business relationships, expand present areas of service, and build a loyal customer base ensuring years of continued profits.In a way, I'm not surprised when I got a call by Bossman at the old dealership, asking me to come work for him again for a few more months. Apparently his last salesman left him high and dry, and the past few days he's had no one there to talk t...

Good Legal Advice
2008-03-06 07:11:00
I mentioned a few weeks ago about a pesky bill collector that wanted to keep charging me more money on a debt I'd already paid off. Over the weekend I was served a Summons. I'm being sued. Interestingly enough, it's for the full amount; I have receipts from paying them. Maybe they're just being annoying?I knew I had to say something in my defense, but like most people I know little about legal recourse and I'm not financially equipped to have a personal lawyer on retainer. Fortunately someone I know through the charity work I do happens to be a lawyer, and was willing to help me out free of charge.He sat and listened to what happened, gave me a few pointers, and by the end of the talk I was almost ready to counter-sue! It was wonderful to have his assistance. Now when I respond I feel confident that I will either be awarded a Satisfactory judgement or that their lawyer will want to settle. If not, I feel I gave it my best effort, and that I was lucky to have someone willing to ...
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21 Weeks To Go!
2008-03-05 08:11:00
I've started counting backwards now from when the Postulancy begins in the fall. 21 weeks is all that is left of me being on the "outside." 21 weeks to finish paying off $1600 in debt. 21 weeks to get my affairs in order. 21 weeks to prepare myself for a year of community living, soul searching, and ministry.It's funny...all this time I wanted to hurry up and be in the Order; now I'm feeling nervous. Am I ready to share my life with 9 other guys as well as the other professed brothers in the friary? Am I still doing this for the right reasons? What if I meet a woman between now and then?The Order requires all paperwork to be submitted no later than March 3tTh. I still have transcripts that need to be sent, a dental exam to take, and I need to get a notarized affidavit regarding my personal debts. Simple letters that need to be sent, except my mother's printer decided to take a dump and now I think I'll have to email my friend a few .doc files to help me out.My days are pretty m...
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Discernment and Music: Life By the Drop
2008-03-02 05:43:00
The only reason I put down the guitar to give a blog update was my mother's complaining I was interrupting her sleep. I know my mother is thrilled to see me pick up my guitar again, however the sound of an acoustic can resonate through walls, and my mother is a light sleeper. I'll be happy when I get my Les Paul (hopefully Monday) when I can practice through my headphones and no one else can hear.One of the acoustical songs I always wanted to learn was by blues great Stevie Ray Vaughan. I first heard the song in high school, when a buddy gave me a CD of his. It's easy to find guitar tablature for most any song these days, and if you're still confused, youtube usually has people playing the song for you to watch. Technology has made the chore of relearning guitar a lot easier.I'd just started working through the blues intro when I was "kindly" asked to put the guitar down until the sun rose.The song has real meaning, especially since the song wasn't written by SRV, but was writ...
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Understanding Music In My Discernment
2008-02-28 07:55:00
Before you continue reading, I need you to go to the bottom of this page, and find the music player. I recently added a track entitled Samba Pa Ti by Carlos Santana. You may have to scroll down on the music player to find it. Find the song, click on it, and then scroll back up to continue reading. This is sort of an interactive post; the multimedia adds to its flava.It's OK, I'll wait until you get back.This past week I've come home, in a manner of speaking. Much of my life before college surrounded music: writing, playing, and just the pure enjoyment of it. Many of my memories aren't just images, but sounds and music from those moments in time. This song is one of those few that speaks volumes, though there are no words.In high school, I fell asleep each night to the sound of Carlos' guitar softly playing through my earphones. The piece is not a complicated one, but as you listen to each note being played, it sounds as if his entire heart, soul, and pain were being transferred...
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Rockin' In The Free World
2008-02-26 19:35:00
Yesterday marked a new page in my life: a day where my debt is less than my monthly income. After paying off a 12 year old credit card debt, I'm down to $2300 in total debt, and I feel great!I wanted to reward myself, since this is something I've worked on even before I decided to pursue a vocation. However I didn't want to spend the money foolishly, like a trip to the casino or something stupid.Instead, I reverted to one of my childhood dreams, a callback to some of those desires I gave up when I chose to follow more "worldly" careers. As I've delved back into that part of my life, I find myself writing again, as well as something I haven't done in years: play my guitar.I admit I'm nowhere near as good as I was years ago, but I am relearning fast, and I have the patience to learn things I didn't have when I was young. Hard songs and chord progressions take practice and time....when I was a kid I just wanted to be Carlos Santana right then and there. Now I know that with work...
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Back To Chi-Town - A Scary Visit
2008-02-21 17:50:00
Once again, I have a trip planned to Chicago this weekend. It seems like I commute back and forth twice a month; I'm already calling it my "second home." In actuality I do very little in the city. Most of my time is spent at St. Clare's Friary on Archer and Damen Ave. The few times that I do go out into the city, one of the friars or postulants are the guide.The same will happen this weekend, as my visit is less about visiting and more about testing. This is the weekend I've been dreading: the one on one with the psychologist.I was asked a few months ago if I'd ever had psych testing before. I answered no. Later I remembered that I in fact did seee a pyschologist when I was a kid, and that the experience was so embarrassing and awkward, I'd simply forgotten it ever happened. Even now, I cannot remember all of the "sessions," but I remember enough to still be wary of what's to come.When I was around 11 or 12, my mom took me to the Vera French Center in Davenport, IA. They calle...
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My Crazy Week, Part 3: God's Work
2008-02-19 07:01:00
OK technically the crazy week has run into the next week, making it a collection of crazy weeks. While the wordplay is fun and interesting, I just find it hard to keep up with everything that's happening. Today I argued on the phone with 4 different collection agencies regarding a bill from 1997. The twist in the story: none of them claimed to have the debt on file, and would not take payment. Imagine that...a collection agency that turns down $666 from a willing payee.Later this evening, just as I was getting ready to deal at the first table, Mom called to tell me her Park Avenue broke down...on one of the snowiest days of Michigan. Instead of working, I drove an hour to pick her up, find out the transmission was shot, get it to the repair shop, and get home. Thankfully I got the car at my last job, and Bossman said he could get another transmission in for $450 out the door. Ask any mechanic...$450 for a tranny job is amazingly cheap.It's good to know people. It's even better wh...
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My Crazy Week, Part 2: Pesky Bill Collectors
2008-02-18 01:51:00
Funny thing about addictions...they kinda take over and make you forget to post the second part of a blog series. Yes, I am an addict. Not to crack, sudoku, internet porn, or any other wasteful past time. No, my addiction is much much cooler:Sid Meier's Civilization 3: Call to Power is quite simply the greatest video game ever created. A turn-based game that mixes the conquest from Age of Empires with the management of Sim City, this game never gets old. Unfortunately, it takes a long time to win (i.e. take over the world), even if you play non-stop over an entire weekend. I started a game Friday night after finishing at the poker room. I stopped to eat, sleep, go to church, and shower. The rest of the weekend was spent playing Civ3. It's both comforting and scary, being able to clear my mind of all things but the game; I look at it like a vacation...only cheaper and without airfare.My meager ways have worked however; this week I took out a big chunk of my debt. After liquidating ...
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My Crazy Week, Part 1: Back To Work
2008-02-16 07:21:00
I truly truly truly apologize to my readers for not being present during the week. It's currently 1AM Saturday morning, and I've finally gotten time where I'm not dead tired or running out somewhere to write down an update of my crazy life. (me pictured with another Capuchin Candidate. This pic is entitled: "Meet My New Catholic Friend")After having fun in Chicago with the Capuchins, Monday was a day of getting back to work. My job loss two weeks ago was more like a demotion: I was still working at the same location but again as a dealer, not as a pitboss. I still had feelings of anger, revenge, and bitterness for some of the other people who worked there. Yet I knew that I was lucky to even have a job available, and even luckier to have a boss willing to give me another option while I continued to work until August 1st.While I wanted to present a better image, a side that showed I was not angry nor upset, a poker dealer isn't hidden away. I will still deal with the same people ...
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The Prodigal Son Returns!
2008-02-11 14:39:00
Having spent the weekend in Chicago with the Capuchin brothers, I feel refreshed and renewed about the task ahead, the debt I need to pay, and what my life will be like in less than six months. I learned several things about the Postulancy, Pre-Noviciate, and the Noviciate. Also I had a chance to meet some of the other candidates who have applied and would be in my Postulancy class.I see why I wanted to just get to August 1. Not because I wanted to simply run away from my problems, but because the desire to live in community, to share my faith and knowledge with brothers, to live that consecrated life, and to know that everything I am doing is because of my devotion to God. Yet not everything about community happens within the 4 walls of the friary. Here are a few of the things I learned about Capuchin living:We are all brothers and sisters, creatures created from God. That means I am as connected with my family as with people I don't know, as with the Earth, the wind, the stars......
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On The Road Again
2008-02-07 21:23:00
Tomorrow I leave again to visit the Capuchin Franciscans in Chicago, the Order and Province I hope to join this fall. It is a Pre-Postulancy Weekend, meaning that people who are seriously thinking about joining, as well as people who are just slightly interested or new to their vocational call, will all be together to learn about the order, it's history, and what it truly means to be a Capuchin Friar.I do enjoy these types of weekends because I feel like the "veteran" discerner. I'm what they call a second-career candidate, meaning I didn't just come out of college and that I've "lived" before listening to my calling. Because of my unique situation, I offer a different viewpoint to the other guys coming out of high school or college and considering joining the Capuchins. That view allows me to see people from a different perspective, and often I get a different response from the friars than the other candidates.I feel that if I eventually make it into the Order, I would like to ...
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Pre-Lenten Blues
2008-02-06 05:37:00
Fat Tuesday is usually a festive day mixed with paczkis and idealistic thoughts of giving up everything for Lent. However for me, I spent a lot of the time in contemplation and regret.Between the bills and the job change, that final goal of paying off personal debt becomes harder and harder to reach. $3788 is not a huge amount; it averages to $630 a month. It's a realistic goal, unfortunately being a poker dealer again means I'll be lucky to get $800 a month.This is not a fund raising blog, nor am I looking for handouts. Part of the reason I'm writing this is because I've chastized myself all day today for money that could have been better spent. I feel bad for leaving the car business, I feel bad for buying Chinese take-out yesterday, I feel bad because I should be free and clear from this problem already.The reason that I've been so frustrated, even angry, is because it screws with my time table. I will go as far to say that God Himself is messing with my perfect schedule. Th...
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