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Regret and Remorse
2008-01-27 11:17:00
From Easy Does It, January 27:"All of us have things we regret. But when regret takes possession of our thoughts and lives, we are in trouble.... To concentrate on lost opportunities or to wish the past was different opens the door to despair. All we can do is the best we can do at any given moment ".I think this is a great point. Regret leads to despair, simply because it is a form of "worry" over things that can't be changed. What can possibly result from such worry?Everything about it simply leads to despair, sorrow, self- punishing, and most of all- aggravation.Why didn't? Why couldn't? Why isn't?These three short statements are the source of so much heartache in so many lives.But when we reach a place where we believe that everything happens for a reason- that everything is meant to be just as it is, these types of questions can fall by the wayside.How about telling ourselves- "It didn't happen that way because G-d didn't want it to". With those words, the self-recrimi...
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My Personal Map Designed Just For Me
2008-01-24 19:26:00
From Twenty Four Hours a Day, Jan.24:" I know that I cannot see the road ahead. I must go just one step at a time, because G-d does not grant me a longer view ".This could be potentially very scary. Picture someone in a submarine, looking through the periscope. It's view is blocked by a large rock, lying not far ahead in the water. How can the pilot know what is beyond it? How can he steer around it? How can he chart his course? Fortunately, he has sonar and maps. Even though his vision is very limited, he can trust the mapmakers who knew more than he, and who had the wisdom to draw and plan the maps.So too, with us. If I think that I am limited by my own abilities to see what is before me, I will certainly tiptoe very carefully, afraid to take any big steps. But when I know that G-d has planned the maps, and has given me guidelines to follow, I will move ahead with a different sense of trust and confidence, and purpose.For me, there is the Torah. For others, there is a code of et...
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Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again...
2008-01-23 15:23:00
From : Twenty Four Hours a Day, Jan. 23: "Alcoholics... are always making the same mistakes and suffering the same consequence over and over again...".Well, it's not only alcoholics who do this. In fact, in program, we often hear the slogan: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.How many of us are caught in this vicious trap, or cycle -of repeating our same mistakes over and over, but thinking that this time something different will happen?I know that I was stuck in that rut for a very long time. Over and over, I would react the very same way to the very same triggers, but had convinced myself that "next time" would be different. The truth is, (and here goes another program slogan) - If nothing changes, then nothing changes.That goes well with people who keep saying "I'll try". Well, guess what, there isn't much use in trying, if we don't actually change something. 'Try' usually (or well, to be fair, - often) means that I will th...
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Wherever I go, there I am
2008-01-22 11:02:00
Some of us try to run away from ourselves and from the truth. Using a radio or an mp3 player or a cell phone whenever I am alone is merely a way to keep myself from thinking, and from spending "quality time" with myself. All the distractions are like a "busy box- activity toy" in a child's crib- preventing him from just playing and discovering his fingers and toes. What are WE afraid to find during that alone time?I used to be like that- and the self-soothing of addictive behaviors was just one more way to avoid being with "me".A problem with this type of avoidance is that you can never really get away from yourself; wherever you go, there you are....So eventually, if we keep this up, we finally realize that the whole idea is futile. Sooner or later, we have to look ourselves in the eye- unless we also avoid mirrors -and see exactly who and what we are or have become.In doing so, we take stock of our personal moral code and values- and squarely evaluate whether (or not) we are livi...

Keep Folding
2008-01-18 14:19:00
From : 24 hours a day, Jan. 17:"Even after I have been working the Steps for many years, and this has certainly rebuilt my self esteem, there are still times when I doubt myself, and the old feelings of insecurity and fear of failure recur… Will I ever get rid of them? "Rabbi Twerski compares this to a piece of cardboard, which has been folded and unfolded; it retains its crease, and all it takes to slip back onto the old creases is a little pressure. So too with us- even with all the work we have done, a little stress can easily propel us back into those old doubts and feelings of failure-. But, he also points out, this can also be a point of growth.I think I understand this in a little different way- Although those old feelings can easily be retriggered in me, I am no longer the person I was long ago. The old triggers might still push my buttons, but I have established new "switchings", so that these days, that old button will also push my "alarm button" to the central station ...
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A Quiet Comparison
2008-01-12 22:39:00
From: A Day at a Time, Jan. 12: "When I sit quietly and compare my life today with the way it used to be, the difference is almost beyond belief ."I will start by saying that I find little resemblance to the BP (before program) me and the AP (after Program) me. Simply put, I live differently, react to life's challenges differently and care differently. I accept myself and others differently. My relationships with others and with Hashem (G-d) are totally different than they were before I began working the Program. If someone would have told me way back then that all this was possible, I don't think I would have believed them. I can honestly say that I bless the day when I was introduced to the 12 steps, and I am grateful that they have changed my life in such monumental ways.Perhaps it was the " acceptance" message of the Program that has helped me begin to relate differently to others and to my own self and my problems. But I think the "G-d connection" element is more cent...
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G-d Reads All His Mail
2008-01-08 11:08:00
From Twenty Four Hours a Day, Jan.8:" I know that serenity is the result of faithful, trusting acceptance of G-d's will, even in the midst of difficulties ". I always think that it's easy to trust when things are moving along smoothly; the problem arises when life gets complicated and filled with glitches. That's when my faith is really tested. Will I get nervous, anxious, or even panic at all the things that are out of my control? Or will I stop myself long enough to remember that life is not a mess of haphazard events aimed at destroying me and my sense of calm- but instead, a planned out series of events overseen by my Creator- and that these are happening for a reason (even if it's a reason I don't know or understand)?The truth is, too often the first option happens, and I get overwhelmed and frightened. But lately, my years of 12 Step Work have been falling into place, and I've been lucky enough for that little "light bulb" to blink on in my head, often in the nick o...
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Grain by Grain
2008-01-06 21:36:00
From Twenty Four Hours a Day, Jan. 6, "No act of kindness is ever too small to serve a good purpose. Oceans are made possible by little drops of water. Beaches are formed by tiny grains of sand. Slowly but surely, small efforts combine to help, encourage, and lead others to an ocean of success".Many times I have thought to myself- "why bother?" of "what's the point?"- especially if I assumed that my own efforts would be minute or ineffectual. Recently I read about the boy who was tossing beached starfish back into the sea. Someone passed by and laughed at him, saying "look at the thousands of starfish lying there. Do you think you can really make a difference in saving them? The little boy tossed in another one and said " Made a difference to that one!".I think that is the point here- Who am I to negate any little positive effort that I make? Jewish Sages (chazal) have taught that we cannot know the value of any Mitzvah (loosely translated as 'good deed') I do not know how much m...
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Denial Is A Trick I Play On Myself
2008-01-05 23:56:00
"Denial of the truth leads to destruction. Only an honest admission to ourselves of the reality of our condition can save us from our destructive behavior".The word Denial has had a lot of jokes written about it. "Denial is not a river in Egypt", is one of my favorites. I know many people who live in the state of Denial, and believe me, it is larger than Texas.When we live in denial, we walk around with blinders on our eyes- but unfortunately we do not have "bumper guards" on our bodies. This denial doesn't protect us from the bumps of life. If anything, it is more like a magnet, almost attracting pitfalls and stumbling blocks into our path.Denial prevents me from seeing myself- from recognizing and acknowledging the things I need to work towards fixing. It's like looking onto one of those fancy mirrors- the ones with all the little curvy pieces; I simply get a distorted idea of who and what I am, and have no clue as to what my life's work needs to be- and I believe that a la...
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What's This Humility Stuff?
2008-01-03 21:38:00
From Easy Does It, Jan. 3:" To give something for the sheer joy of giving is the strongest step we can take in achieving the humility that is so vital to us. Humility is essential to our spiritual progress, and our spiritual progress is a necessary part of our recovery ".When I first came into program, I thought that humility and humiliation were the same thing. And frankly, at that point in my life, I had had plenty humiliation. I wasn't looking for more, and hoped that it wouldn't find me. But I soon learned the difference between these two very similar words. Humility means that it's okay to be human, okay to make mistakes, okay to need help. It took me a while to be able to accept all these things. It took even longer to be able to ask another person for help, without feeling humiliated by this need.But the 12 Step Program helps us to develop this ability, and even to be grateful for it. By asking someone to sponsor us, we are admitting that we can't do it on our own anymo...
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Letting go of the Burdens
2008-01-02 10:09:00
From 24 Hours A Day, Jan. 2 :" You are so made that you can only carry the weight of twenty-four hours, no more. If you weigh yourself down with the years behind and the days ahead, your back breaks. G-d has promised to help with the burdens of the day only. If you are foolish enough to gather again that burden of the past and carry it, then indeed you cannot expect G-d to help you bear it. So forget that which lies behind you and breathe in the blessing of each new day ".I once saw a motivational speaker portray this idea: he stood up and leaned forward, with even his toes tipping forward, and said- if you are always worrying about the future, you look like this". Then he leaned backward, "and if you are always regretting the past, you look like this". Then he stood up straight and tall- "but if you are living in today, in the now, then you can stand straight and walk straight."This was very helpful for me to see in front of my eyes, because it was a visual picture of what happe...
More About: Letting

Double Exposures
2007-12-30 21:41:00
From A Day At a Time, Dec. 30: " When I became sick and tired of being sick and tired, I finally surrendered and came to The Program. Now I realize that I had been helped all along by a Higher Power; It was He, indeed Who allowed me to live so that I could eventually find a new way of life."Recently I had what I refer to as my "second Spiritual Awakening". At that time, I came to a very strong recognition and awareness of Hashem's (my Higher Power) presence, and a clear knowledge that He has always been with me, even through the most difficult times of my life.Although I have always been an Observant and religious person, and "knew" all of this before my awakening, there were still times when I felt incredibly alone with the difficulties I went through.So what changed? This "awakening", has somehow "repaired" the hurts of those times, because it brought with it a new awareness of G-d's presence in the past.It's kind of hard to explain, but imagine looking at an old phot...
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If You Pray, Don't Worry
2007-12-28 11:32:00
From For Today, Dec. 28: "This program gives me the amazing ability to release the people I love.... I turn over responsibility for the lives of others to the same Higher Power within each of them that manages my own life".I've been thinking a lot about this lately. In fact, I just remarked about it yesterday to a friend.When I am worn down with worry and anguish over how a loved one is living life, I can crumble in despair. I feel trapped in a straitjacket- wishing that I could change or control things. This metaphor is fitting, because literally, my own hands are tied, and I feel paralyzed by my lack of control.And yet, there is something inside me that reminds me how my own life was once way out of control... and how my Higher Power (Whom I choose to call Hashem) stepped in to restore me to sanity and to change the whole course of my life.If Hashem could do this for me, then surely, He can do the very same, or even more, for others.I guess the big question then for me is- Will ...
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Motivation From the Source
2007-12-27 21:44:00
From A Day at a Time, Dec. 27 :" The Central characteristic of the spiritual experience," wrote AA co-founder Bill W., "is that it gives the recipient a new and better motivation out of all proportion to any process of discipline, belief or faith. These experiences cannot make us whole at once; they are a rebirth to a fresh and certain opportunity ".Even though all the possible changes do not occur instantaneously, nor do I expect them to, a Spiritual Experience can bring me new hope and the willingness to make great changes. This experience changes my attitude, because my belief that G-d is connecting to me awakens in me the desire to do more, to be more- and to connect back with Him- to do His will simply because He believes in me and believes that I can.I view this kind of Spiritual Experience as a vote of confidence from my personal Cheerleader- from someone who is telling me "I believe in you"... and if He can voice this by reaching out to me and allowing me to become awar...
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And the Chain Goes On and On
2007-12-25 11:32:00
From A Day at a Time, Dec. 25 : May I understand that giving and receiving are the same. Each is part of each. If I give, I receive the happiness of giving. If I receive, I give someone else that same happiness of giving ".I like this reading, because I know what it's like to enjoy giving, but not receiving. I know a lot of other people who are happy to be givers, but detest being takers. Perhaps there is something in us that feels "one- down" when we take, but feels "one- up" when we give. I think that maybe taking feels like "needing", and if I need someone or something, then I interpret this as meaning that I am defective, missing something, somehow not perfect.Well, guess what? I'm not perfect- nowhere near that. And yes, I do need others and their help.Before program, you would never have heard me say that, because I wouldn't have believed it.One of the great things we learn in program is how to ask for help from others- how to realize that we can't make it in this world...
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Parallel Zones and Prayer times
2007-12-24 07:01:00
From A Day at a Time, Dec. 24:" We came to The Program as supplicants, literally at the ends of our ropes. Sooner or later..... we gain strength and grow with the help of G-d as we understand Him, with the fellowship of The Program, and by applying the Twelve Steps to our lives.....I pray that those I love will have the faith to find their own spiritual experiences and the blessings of peace ".My sponsor often has to remind me that the others in my life "are not working a program". What happens is that I have gotten so used to the self examination, the apologizing when I feel I have wronged someone else, the direct connection with my Higher Power, the simple act of "turning over" (to Hashem) the things that are too much for me to handle, that I forget that other people aren't doing these same things and don't have the same tools that I have gotten from my 12 step Program. Most people just don't have this form of awareness, and don't have the same G-d connections, even though t...
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The Problem and The Solution
2007-12-17 09:55:00
From The Big Book of AA, pag 222,( Dec. 17th ): " But each drink after the first seemed to become less effective, and after three or four, they all seemed like water ".I think this sums up well what addiction is like: At first the Drug of Choice gives a real hit- a feeling of high. It satisfies some unspoken or unknown need.... But soon it loses its magic power and instead of feeling and acting like a dear friend, it slowly takes over until you can't get out of its clutches.I can write this, because I've been there, done that- much more than once, and with more than one "drug" or behavior. I know first hand how a substance or a behavior can turn from being something I almost dream about, to something else entirely- the embodiment of a living, waking nightmare.This is The Problem .But The Solution is much more glorious, and it involves the intervention of a "Something", a Power greater than the grip of anything tangible or physical.For some reason, those of us who have felt the wo...

Even in the shadows
2007-12-16 09:08:00
From Twenty four Hours, Dec. 15: "If sometimes there seems to be a shadow on your life and you feel out of sorts, remember that this is not the withdrawal of G-d's presence, but only your own temporary unwillingness to realize it.... the consciousness of G-d's nearness will return and be with you again, when the gray days are past".Yup, I remember plenty of times when I really felt alone, and perhaps abandoned. I couldn't feel my HP's presence, and I was convinced that I would never come out of that state. It was a scary place, and despite my age, I was as frightened as a little child.These days, I realize that Hashem is with me always, and that when I don't feel Him at my side, it's because something I'm doing is blocking that awareness. This is quite a different place, and it brings with it a feeling of safety, even among the stormclouds. Today, I remember that -if G-d seems far away, I must be the one who moved. (See my post- "WHO MOVED?, Oct. 19,2207 :http://frumste...
More About: The Shadows , Shadows

No Mail at The Lighthouse
2007-12-11 14:29:00
From A Day At a Time, Dec. 11: " Before I came to The Program- in fact, before I knew of The Program's existence- I drifted from crises to crises, occasionally using my will to chart a new course; However, like a rudderless ship, I inevitably foundered once again on the rocks of my own despair. Today, in contrast, I receive guidance from my Higher Power. Sometimes , the only answer is a sense of peace or an assurance that all is well..... May I not expect instant, verbal communication with my Higher Power, like directions on a stamped, self-addressed post-card. May I have patience, and listen and sense that G-d is present ".Yes, I remember the times when I thought I had to find all the solutions, and felt like the answers (and responsibility for them) were in my power. Usually, I WAS like a ship tossed in the wild sea, not finding the lighthouse that could direct me out of my crises. My 12 step Program was that lighthouse, because it led me directly to safe harbor on Hashem, my H...
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This Hurts Me More Than It Hurts You
2007-12-10 15:08:00
From A Day At a Time, Dec. 10:" May I remember that my blow-ups and explosions, when they are torrents of accusations or insults, hurt me just as much as the other person. May I try not to let my anger get to the blow-up stage, simply by recognizing it as I go along and stating it as a fact ".When we program folks get up to doing our 9th step, the time comes to seek out those whom we've insulted and hurt and ask their forgiveness. Quite often, after going through our lists (in step 8) and apologizing (in step 9) we find that there was someone whom we've left out. A smart sponsor usually asks the sponsee (or sponsoree, as some call it) to identify whom this is. And a smart sponsee can recognize that she herself (or he) , is the injured party.That is because we hurt ourselves even more than the one we insult. When we say something derogatory to someone else, we might hurt their feelings, but inside, we churn with feelings of dissatisfaction or even disgust at our own behavior. We...

In G-d's Time, Not Mine
2007-12-09 09:22:00
From Easy Does It, Dec. 9 : "Our Fellowship suggests that we live our lives one day at a time. Personal change occurs but one day at a time. We must resist the temptation to set G-d's clock to fast forward.".I'm a person who sets her mind out to do something, and then is impatient to get it done. I may be long in the decision process (though usually I am not), but once the decision in made, I want it finished with already "yesterday". This doesn't work too well in Program, because we learn how to take things "one day at a time", and sometimes even one hour, minute or second at a time!If I look at too much at one time, I can often be so filled with worry , that I can't deal with anything. Everything that I've learned about being "mindful" works well with this, because it teaches me to live each second right now and to be "mindful" in every experience, just as it is occurring.When I first came into program I was eager to get to "recovery" very quickly. After all, I was showing u...
More About: Time , Mine

Nobody Does It Better
2007-12-06 20:06:00
From The Promise of a New Day, Dec. 6: " Competition is drummed into us as children. It's a hard lesson to unlearn. But there aren't many traits that are so unsuitable, -and so frustrating- as cutthroat competition. The person who must compete is doomed to unhappiness and to a sense of inadequacy. We'll stop the hopeless attempt to best others only when we achieve the serenity of knowing that each of us is the best at one thing: being ourselves."Today's society thrives on competition. Every time I read about parents who act wild at little league games, I can't believe how trying to be better than other people can easily get out of hand. One of my most difficult memories was of being the last player in a triathlon race when I was a little kid, trying my best, and then losing. The whole team blamed me, but I couldn't have done any more than I did, and was still left feeling (and hearing) like I had let everyone down.These days I realize that I don't have to compete against an...

The Cheerleader's on my Team!
2007-12-05 23:25:00
From Easy Does It, Dec. 5 :" It is important to our recovery to rely on G-d, as our own belief in a Higher Power is what can and does save us from our addiction. Only two of the Steps talk about addiction. The other ten talk about spiritual growth ".I'm glad that today's writing is about this subject. Many times when people ask me about my "program", they are surprised when I talk about G-d and spirituality."What does that have to do with an addiction?" they ask. They have no idea that the basis of the 12 step program is about G-d , and how He helps us deal with any addictive problem.Most of us, at first, were embarrassed to ask G-d for help with our personal problems. Wasn't He too busy running the world, dealing with wars, saving countries from dictators, handling the "global warming" and other crises? How could He have time for little old me? How could I dare to disturb Him when there were so many really "important" things going on?One of the first things we learn, both in Pro...
More About: Team , My Team

Who's in The Driver's Seat?
2007-12-02 08:33:00
From Easy Does It, Dec. 2:" Prayer is what we do before we act, not after. Prayer is our choice of whose team we are on. Since we no longer take on the job of coach, we listen when we pray... we want to hear our assignment. When it comes time to act, we act according to the plan for us".I've heard so many lectures about how to pray- but it boils down to this: Am I here to do G-d's bidding, or is He here to do mine? Do I pray for the things that I want to happen, or do I pray for G-d to show me what He wants of me? Do I come with my "shopping list", or do I humbly ask what it is He wants of me today?There is quite a difference between these things, and I do not believe that if I choose the role of humble servant I can never ask G-d to help me in my hour of need, or when something is bothering me. Of course, if I believe that I am His child, and that He will always be there for me, I can beseech Him with the things that trouble me. And because He is my Father, He will already know t...
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Can I Keep My Balance?
2007-11-28 23:36:00
From Easy Does It, Nov.28 : "One of our common goals in recovery is balance, a feeling of being centered. If we lean too far in one direction, we lose our balance and fall over. We can't please everyone. We can't be everything to everybody. There is a balance the Program teaches us between selfishness and selflessness".I think this is speaking about setting boundaries, as well as knowing what is good for us. If I take on too much, I will not be satisfied, and I may feel taken advantage of. If I run my life by trying to make everyone else happy, I will end up being unhappy myself. There is an inner barometer, by which I must be guided. If I let myself be ruled instead by outside sources, I will just fall over.Allowing myself to live by some hidden , outside "rating" source will lead me to a place I don't want to re-visit. That place is filled with resentments because in the end I will feel pulled and pushed, and not "in tune" with my true self.This does not mean that I must be se...
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Thanks For The Insult
2007-11-02 13:02:00
From A Day at a Time, Nov. 2 :"Pride is at the root of most of my personal problems. When my pride is "hurt', for example, I almost invariably experience resentment and anger- sometimes to the point where I'm unable to talk or think rationally. When I'm in that sort of emotional swamp I must remind myself that my pride- and nothing but my pride- has been injured ".Boy, I'm glad I read this in a book , because otherwise I might have thought I was the only one who reacts this way when my 'proud buttons' are pushed. Most often, my response might be- how dare they?- or something along those lines. The problem is that once I am caught up in that kind of loop- where pride, anger, resentment get all mixed up, it's almost impossible to pull myself out.That's why the comparison with a swamp was a good one. Quicksand might even be a better metaphor. Because once I get stuck in all the stuff that comes together with pride, I can't get out quickly, and I can't get out without all s...
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How Noisy Is It Today?
2007-10-31 16:12:00
From Twenty Four Hours A Day:" In all of us there is an inner consciousness that tells of G-d, an inner voice that speaks to our hearts. It is a voice that speaks to us intimately, personally, in a time of quiet meditation. It is like a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. We can reach out into the darkness and figuratively touch the hand of G-d ".The existence of G-d, Hashem, is a reality. Whether or not I can sense His presence, whether or not I can hear His voice, is entirely up to me. Do I keep so busy that I have no time to feel Him close to me? Do I make so much noise that I can't hear His voice?I can keep busy every second of every day, by talking on the phone, listening to my mp3 player, reading a book, working, writing, using the computer- etc. And when I do this, it's hard for me to Hear G-d, because, unlike music or sound, His voice gets louder when there is silence. But how much "quiet time" do we have in our lives? An old riddle asks: Where is G-d? Wherever ...
More About: Today

A Good Deal
2007-10-30 18:03:00
From Easy Does It, Oct. 30 : " Self confidence is an important lesson we learn in our recovery. Most of us start our Program with little confidence in ourselves. As we work the Steps, we begin to be confident that we can be whatever we choose to be, if we want success enough and if we keep on growing". Yes, that is something that I can surely attest to. Before program, I had no self confidence at all. How much confidence can someone have when they can't even stop behaviors that they keep vowing to stop? when they end up hating themselves for this lack of discipline? Or perhaps for the very behaviors themselves!You're probably wondering how 12 little steps can make much of a dent in this type of thing... Well, first of all, they are not really little steps. Even though some of them might sound pretty simple to those who are unfamiliar with them, like "made a decision to turn our lives and our will over to the care of G-d as we understood Him" (step 3) - after all, how hard can it ...
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If Truth Be Told....
2007-10-29 07:05:00
From Seek Sobriety, Find Serenity, Oct. 29: " For many people, truth is a virtue; for people in recovery, it is life saving... no one has ever maintained truthfulness while being an addict.... Lying can generally be avoided if we resolve never to do anything that we might later have to deny. This dedication to truthfulness yields rich dividends, because not only does it eliminate the need to lie but it also avoids doing things that we might wish to conceal".MMm...good point, there. If I don't do anything that I would want to hide from anyone else, then there is no need to lie about it. Seems to me that this wouldn't only apply to addicts; How many of the "normal" folks out there use the "white lie" instead of being straight with friends and co-workers? How many tell their kids "say I'm not home" when they don't want to talk on the phone?Okay, okay, I'm not here to accuse anyone else, but simply to speak about myself. Yeah, I did plenty of lying in my time, especially when it ca...
More About: Truth , Told , Ruth

I got the Hint
2007-10-28 13:24:00
From For Today, Oct. 26 :"Other people's faults invariably match my own. When I notice some particularly objectionable shortcoming in a person, I can generally be sure it is a defect I detest in myself ".Uh oh. Sounds pretty ominous. Is that why I always notice all those annoying things about my friends and family? I guess it's a sure sign of what I am guilty of myself. It's easy for me to see all those faults in other people, and to nudge them to start changing, but quite another thing for me to go about making changes in my own life. But Hashem is really smart, And although I've often felt that He has a really great sense of humor, it's amazing how Hashem gives us hints about what we need to do to improve our lives.When I see someone who is short tempered, or someone who is busy "orchestrating the show" and telling others what to do, it usually pushes my buttons, and that's because I am guilty of these very same character defects.Thanks to my 12 step program however, I'v...