Crummy Church Signs Crummy Church Signs Critical Reviews of Critically Bad Church Signs. Join a snarky Christian and his loyal readers as he rips on the embarrasingly stupid slogans that proliferate church marquees. Articles
We don't need no water, let the &*^%$& burn....
2008-02-26 15:50:00 submitted by new contributors John and Shannon JordanThen call 411 so this church will get a clue.------------------------------------ ---------------submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaIs "reguesting" sort of like "regifting"? I can think of some previous house guests that I would have liked to have reguested.------------------------------- ---------------------submitted by frequent contributor Alli ThompsonIt's the adults in the church you need to worry about...--------------------------------- -----------------"If your oxen falls into a ditch each Sunday, sell him."submitted by frequent contriutor Jennifer B.If you're still using an ox, the ditch is probably the least of your problems.-------------------------------- ---------------------"Set your eyes on Jesus...and then let them go."submitted by new contributor Dan CoulterApparently He doesn't appreciate being ogled.----------------------------------- ------------------I've got a ton to get ... More About: Water , Burn
Clay Pigeon, Week 2!
2008-02-25 03:35:00 This week's edition of the Clay Pigeon doesn't include any original articles penned by yours truly, but that only serves to make it even funnier than last week's issue! Besides, I was editor on a couple of these gems so you really need to go check it out.In this weeks issue of Clay Pigeon:- CP issues a rebuttal to last week's "Indian Burns" article, with apologies to Brian Dennehy. The CP learned a valuable lesson, and that is to never contribute a hate-filled diatribe to a famous character actor again.- Famous character actor Ed Harris pens "A Good, Dead Hittite", and explains why he hates the ancient empire. *- Dr. Avogadro X-Squared makes the case for equal treatment of numbers in "Less Than or Equal To?"- The CP interviews David Beckham's Left Foot.- A potty-mouthed middle schooler talks trash at a math competition. *Plus, a new Crummy Church Sign of the Week , The Pigeon Hole tackles politically incorrect team names, a brilliant new See Mike Draw, Grundir with more o...
Short Memory.
2008-02-22 15:55:00 submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatYeah...He dies for me 2000 years ago, and then NOTHING since. Thanks a lot...----------------------------------- -----------------------------submitted by frequent contributor BRWombatDo I get to pick which four days to be faithful on?-------------------------------------- --------------------------"Lost? Try God's GPS of faith!"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor ChristineI know some Israelites who are wishing God would have let Moses in on that little secret...-------------------------------- -------------------------------"God, shelter us under your car."submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.God, while I'm down here, I notice that you have a small hole in your muffler...(Jennifer and I agree that this sign meant to say "care". Too funny as is, though. This is another one where I would love to have a picture...)------------------------------ ---------------------------------"There is no failure except in no... More About: Memory , Short
The Simians are unaffected:
2008-02-21 15:38:00 submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Alli ThompsonI guess they didn't have room to put how it messes up pretty much all of creation, too.------------------------------------- ------------submitted by frequent contributor S. Keith SuttonI've reviewed this message before, but I always enjoy putting signs up with incorrect use of homophones.------------------------------ -----------------------submitted by new contributor Shelley WalshThis is a billboard from a series of sermons at a local church. I'm not sure what my thoughts are on this. It seems a little "ooky" (to use Shelley's word) to use sex to sell church. But this doesn't drive me crazy, like that last sign in yesterday's post.Shelley also passed along this website for more info on the sermon series.Any thoughts on something like this? Please comment on it below. I wonder what our friends over at Church Marketing Sucks would say about something like this...---------------------------------- ---------------"The on...
The Thief Strikes Again!!
2008-02-20 15:44:00 submitted by frequent contributor Indie Davis, TNRemember this sign? What about this sign (5th one down)? It looks like the thief has struck again!This time, it looks like the only thing he stole were the letters "L", "D", "M", and "T".You know what this means, don't you?!? THE THIEF IS A MUPPET FROM SESAME STREET!!--------------------------------- --------------submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, India...and bound people tend to pray a lot, so it's like a big circle!---------------------------------- ---------------------submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaNext week on CSI: House of Prayer Adyar: Godliness with contentment is great gain...but so is murder!!! Thursdays on CBS!------------------------------------- ------------------ "Trying to find God online is like trying to go on a cruise in a screensaver...neither is satisfying."submitted by new contributor Julie CoulterI dare them to make less sense.------... More About: Thief
Just be sure to agree on a safe word.
2008-02-19 15:55:00 submitted/post title by frequent contributor Bent KangarooI've got temptation mastered already. I can get people to stumble in any manner of ways!------------------------------------ ----------------------submitted by frequent contributors Nate and Heidi GilmoreThis sign brought to you by the committee to re-elect Christ.---------------------------------- -------------------------submitted by frequent contributors Nate and Heidi GilmoreI can't believe I asked for pink shag carpet in my mansion in heaven.---------------------------------- -------------------------"Opportunities are seldom labeled."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Tara, OHChurch signs like this are often mocked.---------------------------------- --------------------------"If your ox gets stuck in a ditch. Sunday at 10:30"submitted by frequent contributor Allen's BrainIf your ox gets stuck in a ditch, maybe you shouldn't drink and plow.------------------------------------ ------------------------Remember... More About: Word , Safe
the Clay Pigeon
2008-02-18 15:00:00 It's here:Clay Pigeon is a weekly online humor magazine put together by a select few of the evil geniuses over at humor-blogs.com (including yours truly). The first issue launches today!!What is Clay Pigeon? Well, to truly answer that question, you had best visit the magazine itself and read the special interview with publishing magnate Rusty Gibbons.In short, however, Clay Pigeon is a collection of the funniest of the funny. Some older, reworked, blog posts. Some brand new pieces. Some funny things we found online by unknown authors that you really need to be reading. All approved by the CP staff and edited (yes, edited...this is a magazine, after all, and not a blog) to reach Full Humor Potential.Make no mistake: We're gunning for the big time with this. We feel strongly that this is some of the funniest writing that you'll find out there on the internet. Yes, the whole internet. The Onion may have the market cornered on funny fake news, but that doesn't mean it has ...
Special Weekend Crumminess!
2008-02-16 15:06:00 submitted by new contributors Nate and Heidi GilmoreI tried to leave a trail of bread crumbs, but The Father's children kept eating them...---------------------------------- --------------submitted by new contributor Greg ScheidererIs that why all the hymnals are upside down in the pews this week?!?PS: What does the top line of the sign mean? "12th Sunday in Ordinary Time"....is that a denominational thing of which I'm not aware?!?--------------------------------- ----------------submitted by Jessy R.I can't top Jessy's story behind this picture, so I'm just going to copy and paste from the email:"The cop who pulled up behind me while I was taking this shot in the rain at 11:30 pm didn't understand the crumminess of this sign. After searching my camera case, and ensuring that I wasn't plotting to blow up the church, he was willing to listen to my explanation. I informed him of a site that "features church signs" (small town?didn't want to offend him if he was a member), an... More About: Weekend , Special
I'll be leaving now...
2008-02-15 15:48:00 submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyIf you are becoming nauseous reading this sign, you are not alone.----------------------------------- ------------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyEspecially all that ancient history, like the Bible and stuff.----------------------------------- ------------------sign says "King Jesus is in office forever"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatDidn't Monty Python teach us anything?!? You don't vote for kings.----------------------------------- ----------------submitted by Robert HanselSo we sort of drag them around with us instead.--------------------------------- ----------"Do it now! Today will be yesterday tomorrow."submitted by new contributor Adam BogertDo what? Sin?------------------------------------- -------I'll be back with a special weekend post tomorrow, with an historic CCS first: A contributor who was almost arrested for taking a picture. Stay tuned!---------------------------------.. . More About: Leaving
After all, He was born in a stable.
2008-02-13 22:01:00 submitted by new contributor Ashley SumnersHi Yo, Savior, awaaaaaayyy!!!--------------------------- ----------------------submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor ChristineOooohh...this sermon came a week too late for the Patriots.-------------------------------- --------------------submitted by frequent contributor S. Keith SuttonNo it isn't. He keeps on spinning 12's and landing on every single Payday.---------------------------------- ------------------submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne"Since this church is dead,find a closer one instead."-------------------------------- ----------------------submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van HorneOr maybe we're just moldy?----------------------------------- -----------------------"Be His Valentine"submitted by new contributor Jenny BambakidisJust be careful when buying Him a gift. He's all set on gold, frankincense, and myrrh.----------------------------------- -----------------------Sorry for the delays in posting...
Update sometime.
2008-02-13 20:15:00 The interweb is borken.At least in Nashville it is. Both at my school and house, access is woefully intermittent at best. In fact, it took me about 30 min. to get to a page where I could finally post this message.That said, I'll update with crumminess as soon as I can. I have SO MUCH backlogged, it's not even funny. More About: Update
But how are His commercials?
2008-02-11 15:56:00 submitted/asst. reviewed by new contributor ShelleyOf course, Jesus probably has somebody blocking for Him.------------------------------------- -----submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney, OK...what the heck they're talking about with this sign.------------------------------------ ------------submitted by frequent contributor Katherine TrexlerAnd one...and two...and kneel...and pray...all together now! C'mon ladies!---------------------------------- -------------------"Is 15 minutes of pleasure, worth an eternity in hell?"submitted by frequent contributor Stan RoddaMan, I thought I was going to get 15 minutes of fame in my lifetime. Is 15 minutes of pleasure all they're promising nowadays?? What a rip off.------------------------------------- ----------------I've got a TON of new (and solid) crumminess to get through this week. Stay tuned!----------------------------------- -------------------One week:------------------------------------ -------------------Humor-blogs.... More About: Commercials
Well, since you made it sound so appealing...
2008-02-08 15:48:00 submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rachel H., GAWe put the "fun" in dysfunction!----------------------------- ---------------------originally posted on Unnecessary Quotation MarksPhoto by Cicely from GABefore they get too smug about that fact, they might want to look into what the Bible has to say about human ancestry.-------------------------------- --------------------"Attend church online!"submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatHebrews 10:25: "Do not forsake the virtual assembling of yourselves together, as the manner of some is..."----------------------------------- -----------------"Home of the Stanleys"submitted by frequent contributor BRWombatSo this church is a bunch of tools??---------------------------------- ------------------10 days from now:------------------------------------- --------------Attend humor-blogs.com online!Keep 'em coming More About: Sound , Made
The Gospel According to Jean Luc Picard
2008-02-07 15:59:00 submitted/post title by frequent contributor Erik G.From now on, He's only accepting diamonds in the offering plate.----------------------------------- -------------------sign reads "Two words for 2008: Change and fulfillment" submitted by frequent contributor BRWombatThis is a much better idea than their 2007 theme, "Uniformity and emptiness"------------------------------- ----------------"Anger is the wind that blows out the lamp of the mind."submitted by new contributor AmySo if we conquer our temper, is that the same thing as breaking wind?------------------------------------ ----------"Love is a decision, not just a feeling."submitted by frequent contributor BRWombatIt's more than a feeling, and don't forget, it's also a battlefield.They could keep using dated rock music cliche's on their church sign! Next week: "Love Bites"----------------------------------- -----------I've got plenty of more territory to cover from BRWombat, so come back tomorrow...----------------------... More About: Gospel , Jean , Picard , Accord
So to speak...
2008-02-06 15:51:00 submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix"Kindness", along with all those other pseudo-fruits of the Spirit: "Love", "Joy", "Peace", etc...----------------------------------- ------------------ "On Super Sunday, a Super Savior"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Steve SensenigAs opposed to every other Sunday, when He's just sort of mediocre.-------------------------------- -------------------- "What say I unto you say I unto all"submitted by frequent contributor Steve Sensenig...and what you are saying unto all makes no #$%&* sense at all.------------------------------------- ----------------"Flawed families of the Bible uncensored!"submitted by Laurel Robinson, ONA paternity test reveals that Joseph is NOT the father....next on Maury!----------------------------------- -----------------"Arguing with furniture is rarely productive."submitted by Laurel Robinson, ONBut you're saying there's a chance....(Apologies to Dumb and Dumber)-------------... More About: Speak
Drunken Snark
2008-02-05 14:34:00 I'm over at the Snark today, blathering on about something or the other. I don't really remember writing it, quite honestly.More crumminess tomorrow.Keep 'em coming.
Don't knock it 'til you've tried it:
2008-02-04 15:52:00 submitted by new contributor Emily Monts de Oca, FL...but if you just stay away altogether, then you don't have to remember these silly rules.Seriously...What do they mean?!?---------------------------------- --------------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownSo if it's broken I should stay away at those times, right?!?--------------------------------- -----------------"Life been a rough ride? Let Jesus smooth it out"submitted by frequent contributor JordanSo you've got the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of the gospel of peace... and the steamroller of salvation?------------------------------- --------------------You enter humor-blogs.com without knocking...Keep 'em coming. More About: Knock
On second thought...take it off.
2008-02-01 14:04:00 submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownOverheard at Pastors house last night. Funeral services tomorrow at 3 pm.-------------------------------------- ------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownWell, it's about time He committed to something...----------------------------- ---------------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownIn fact we're so great, we pretty much don't need God for anything.-------------------------------- ------------------"Don't live life as though you are waiting for death"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire Vladimir and Estragon could use some company, though. ----------------------------------------- --------- "Degrees of sin"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire ...and you don't need six to connect it to a Kevin Bacon movie. ----------------------------------------- ---------"Whatever happened to sin?"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily Bezaire It's... More About: Thought
Too easy.
2008-01-31 15:41:00 submitted by frequent contributor LaurenHe who walks "upright" better not be wearing jogging pants.----------------------------------- -----------------submitted by frequent contributor LaurenI'm fine with the above church sign. I just wanted to post another one from this church and see if anyone can explain/guess where this church name comes from.And speaking of funny church names....submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor ChristineSo named because once the service starts, you're looking for a way out?------------------------------------- ------------------"Those who plant greed will reap a "mine" field."submitted by frequent contributor ChristineThose who plant sorrow will reap a "bawl" field.Har.There's probably more terrible puns to be made on that one. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.--------------------------------- ----------------------Don't forget to go vote in the MP caption contest. Pick your favorite, which is probably the one about the fak... More About: Easy
He makes a great hat salesman, though.
2008-01-30 02:28:00 submitted by new contributor SusannahAlso: Don't buy it from the Daughters of Zion.------------------------------------ ------------"Subtract seven points if you yelled at somebody today."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's BrainAdd 15 points if you know what the heck this sign is talking about.----------------------------------- -------------"I believe in the words in red."submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jordan...but that Apostle Paul was a liar!------------------------------------ ------------I'm a finalist in a caption contest again. Go vote!!----------------------------------- -------------Subtract seven points if you didn't visit humor-blogs.com today.Keep 'em coming. More About: Great , Salesman
Snark on the Cheap.
2008-01-29 13:52:00 I'm guest posting at the Snark again today. Come by and find out five heretofore unheard of uses for $12.48.More crumminess tomorrow, including a new horrible sign that's somehow near and dear to my heart. Or, actually, my head.Keep 'em coming. More About: Cheap
Gonna Make You Sweat:
2008-01-28 03:50:00 submitted by frequent contributor Indie DavisOK...this church is having some seriously bad luck when it comes to having things stolen. (see the 5th sign down on the linked post)Anyone else think they're crying "Wolf" on all the thievery in order to make "clever" signs?In other words: How the heck do you allow someone to just walk away with an an entire air conditioning unit and get away with it?!? I mean, was it just sitting there, not attached to the church building or anything significant? Isn't it a chore to disconnect these things from buildings, etc?Or, better yet: It's January, and there's not exactly a huge underground black market for AC Units these days, now is there?Somebody should post a note on their sign: "If you lied to me on your sign, you're gonna need the air conditioning more than the thief will"And if they are telling the truth (both times), please consider an alarm system, or a watchdog, or moving your church to a different, less theft-prone location...... More About: Make , Gonna
The Silence of the Lambs of God
2008-01-25 15:12:00 submitted/post title by an Anonymous contributorConform!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!! CONFORM!!!!!----------------------------- -----------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan DeVries, IndiaBecause evil and wrath are in front of them?Joel's note: And don't call me "Shirley".(Yes, we know it's a Bible passage. Once again, how many other people will know this?)----------------------------------- -------------------"Until further notice, celebrate everything."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's BrainEvidence of a lull in the liturgical calendar.Joel's Note: With presents. Celebrate everything by giving me presents.-------------------------------- ----------------------"Baptism is more then a splash" (sic)submitted by frequent contributor Allen's BrainEspecially when you do a cannonball into the tank!WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!-------------- ----------------------------------------W HEW!! Quite a lively day in the comments section yesterday!... More About: Silence
It Must be That Time of the Chorus...
2008-01-24 14:20:00 submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Charles StrohackerAll their songs are in a minor key.------------------------------------- ------------------------submitted by Jared HendricksonThen why are so many churches either black or white?----------------------------------- -------------------submitted by Jared HendricksonFinally a sermon that's applicable to my everyday life!(Yeah, I know it's a biblical analogy, but how many people who drive past know this?)----------------------------------- -------------------submitted by new contributor Christian SmithThis is such a better translation of Romans 6:23. Why include all that garbage about "gift of God" and "eternal life" when you can make threats instead?!?Also appropriate for Bethany's blog.------------------------------------ -------------------"GRAND-SLAM WEDNESDAYS!" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's BrainPancakes, eggs, hash browns and toast, here at First Church of St. Denny's! ------------------------... More About: Time
Please keep hands and arms inside your death at all times...
2008-01-23 03:41:00 submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyAwww, man! They always save the best stuff 'til the end!------------------------------------- ---------------submitted/asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyWhat if I attend church every Christmas? That is extremely regular.--------------------------------- -------------------originally posted here. submitted by Ron Brown.But if we die in sin, we can kiss our @$ goodbye.--------------------------------- ----------------------"Dream Responsibly"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rachel H., GASo should I get a designated dreamer?--------------------------------- ----------------------Frequent contributor Ron Kinzel sent in this blog post about a church billboard. Certainly a different perspective from the one I take (especially in the comments section), but a very interesting read nonetheless. Y'know, for those of you who come here for more than just the snark......anybody?? hello??Humor-blogs.com is bu... More About: Hands , Death , Inside , Arms , Times
Password Not Valid
2008-01-22 14:22:00 I'm guest posting at the Snark again today. It's a little different approach for me, sort of a mock-testimonial/mock-editorial.Check it out and see my new approach fall flat on its face for yourself! More About: Password
Nope.
2008-01-21 14:23:00 submitted by frequent contributor Richard SteffyI hear it goes great with milk.------------------------------------ --------------submitted by frequent contributor Richard SteffyYes. But come 2009, I am DONE with them!------------------------------------ ---------------And now, the most frequently submitted one sign in CCS history:Brett McKenzie sent me this news article associated with the sign.Steve Green sent me a picture:Ron Brown sent me some links to blogs talking about the controversy.The text to this sign was one of the very first signs I reviewed some 3 years back. It wasn't a particularly good review (I was still a rookie), and it didn't come with a picture so I had always wondered whether or not it was a real submission. I normally don't re-post signs once I've reviewed them once, but with the recent media hype surrounding this one, not to mention the flurry of submissions sent to me, I thought I'd include it.As for a new review, I'd say this if I had to do it over ...
YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
2008-01-19 04:12:00 Those of you who know me personally know what a music freak I am. I actually moved to Nashville for music, and intended it as a career for quite some time. Unfotunately when I moved to Nashville I realized everyone else here intended it as a career, too! I still play as much as I can, but sadly it's never enough...However, the best musical news I've heard in years came to me today: Sixpence None The Richer is getting back together!! Leigh Nash (singer) posted a blog on her MySpace page today:"We realized we were on the same page and decided to make Sixpence None the Richer records for the next 2,000 to 3,000 years!!!! Seriously- as long as we can: ) We are in the middle of making an EP right now that will be available soon! We also have a tour planned beginning in April."If your only familiarity with Sixpence are the ubiquitous soft rock hits "Kiss Me" or "There She Goes", then you don't have the whole picture at all.Check out the much heavier "Angeltread" (the video's rea...
Bow Chicka Bow Bow!
2008-01-18 15:47:00 submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownAnd all God's women said.......Amen.------------------------- ------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownNear to shopping and good schools?--------------------------------- ------------submitted/asst. reviewed by Duane BrownJimmy, you're in charge of hellfire and brimstone this year. Can you handle that?!?---------------------------------- --------"God plus one is the majority."submitted by new contributor Ty MaierSo God by Himself loses or ties?? What kind of crummy god are they worshiping?------------------------------ -------------Slow down. Feel the humor-blogs.comKeep 'em coming.
Mixed Messages
More articles from this author:2008-01-17 15:51:00 submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownI'll come back when everybody's on the same page...Joel's Note: Guess which one is a quote from the Bible! Guess why the other sign decided to contradict a direct quote from the Bible! (I can only answer one of those two...).--------------------------------- -----------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownPaper or plastic?--------------------------------- -------------"Happy is the nation whose God is the Lord"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic...and when you find that nation, please let me know.Joel's Note: I love it when churches decide to make their own translation of the Bible.----------------------------------- --------------More signs from Duane tomorrow!Don't count humor-blogs.com, make humor-blogs.com count.Keep 'em coming. More About: Messages , Mixed , Mess , Ages 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 |
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