Crummy Church Signs

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So is a whip.
2007-10-25 15:04:00
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen...especially sin.------------------------------------- ---------submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen"But Daddy, I don't want to die!!"Also...what does that make an unhappy family?---------------------------------- ----------submitted by frequent contributor Micah LarsenWas somebody really disagreeing with this statement beforehand? ----------------------------------------- --?What doesn?t kill you only makes you stronger?submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jamie...or it leaves you in a coma.------------------------------------ -------"Fortunes told here...by God."submitted by new contributor Jamilah Lemieux"Doesn't look too good for you, my child."(Too bad it wasn't Moses instead...he could use his "Pharoah Cards" *rim shot*)----------------------------------- --------Micah tells me that Messiah Lutheran church (from the above pictures, plus many entries in the archives) can look forward to receiving a signed ...
More About: Whip

Pratice Makes Prefect.
2007-10-24 14:09:00
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold HendrixYou might want to "pratice" your spelling while you're at it.-------------------------------------- -------------------Sign says "Morning praise will make your days."submitted by new contributor UberSchatzNormally when a picture is messed up, I either try and fix it to make it look right or I just don't use it. However, I had to include this one because of UberSchatz's explanation for the quality of the sign. Also, I had to use it because it was from somebody named "UberSchatz":"Sign found in Harrisburg, Arkansas. This picture had to be taken under the cloak of darkness since Harrisburg is the Meth-Addled, Jesus-Freak, Homo-Hillbilly Capital of the entire ****ing world and doing so in broad daylight would've earned me tarring and a feathering. "Tell us how you really feel, bro. Don't hold it in.(And for the record, my review would have been "...and evening praise means you probably missed your favorite TV...

Crummy Church Signs Release Party!!
2007-10-23 13:23:00
WOOHOO! I wrote a book!Click the picture to purchase your copy today!(Well...I and the dozens upon dozens of folks who regularly contribute around here wrote a book!)Releasing today is the second book from humor-blogs.com, my very own Crummy Church Signs Volume 1 (2004 - 2007).Consider this a "Best of..." (or "Worst Of...", as the case may be) of the last 3 years and 700+ signs here at CCS. All properly categorized and snarked upon for your pleasure, there are also some hidden surprises (such as new reviews of some classic signs, a "Best of the Guests", featuring the top contributor-submitted reviews, the return of the Map of Crumminess and more!) This 178-page paperback coffee-table book is sure to be a conversation starter to anyone not familiar with the website.If you're reading this post, you're likely familiar with the body of work and already know if you're interested in the book or not. If this is your first visit, take a dive into the archives on the sidebar to the r...
More About: Party , Release

Isn't it spelled "scald"?
2007-10-22 15:57:00
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Randall HildrethCan today's present be exchanged at tomorrow's sale price?Joel's Note: Always a great idea to put the last letter of a word at the start of a new line. That's never confusing.------------------------------- ----------------------"There is no exits in hell."submitted and asst. reviewed by new-ish contributor TaraThere are no grammarian at this church.---------------------------------- -------------------"Flexible people don't get bent."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor ChristineWell then how do they know if they're flexible or not?------------------------------------- ----------------"Keep the Sabbath day. Jesus did."submitted by frequent contributor ChristineDid He?Note: Yes, He did. Just not in the way people at the time expected. Which was a lot like Jesus, really. This sign is just ammunition for people who (understandably) don't "get" that part of it.-------------------------------------. ..
More About: Spell

Y'mean I was supposed to stop?
2007-10-19 14:52:00
submitted by new contributor Jason WhelpleyThere's nothing funny about abuse, so I'll refrain from a wisecrack here (other than the post title).My biggest question is: What the &$%# is the point of this sign?------------------------------------ ---------submitted by frequent contributor S. K. SuttonFaster than a speeding analogy! Able to leap tall metaphors in a single bound!----------------------------------- ----------------"Missionaries are coming!"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor ChristineOne if by land, two if by sea.------------------------------------- --------------"He who throws dirt always loses."submitted by Christine. Reviewed by her 9-year old.What if you're in a mud-slinging contest?--------------------------------- ------------------"Party in hell canceled due to fire."submitted by frequent contributor ChristineYou should see what it did to the ice sculptures we ordered.--------------------------------- ------------------Christine recently went on v...
More About: Stop

Because I found these great mothballs...
2007-10-18 15:49:00
seen on Flickr. submitted by Ironic Catholic."...but I'm not "busy" enough to really enjoy it in here."----------------------------------- ------------seen of Flickr. Submitted AND reviewed by Ironic Catholic.Repeat after me...the Civil War is over.Oh...baseball...-------------------- --------------------In the last couple of days I've had a couple of interesting pastor names sent to me as well. Though there's nothing crummy about names, these pictures are pretty amusing and I thought I would pass them along.First, from new contributor Paul Drake:Paul named the above picture file "yes_he_does.jpg" Whee!!And secondly, from frequent contributor Steve Sensenig:Pastor Pickle picked a peck of pickled peppers....------------------------------ -----------------My "boss" over at Central Snark, Neva, has been through a lot lately. Please keep her and her family in your prayers, if you're the praying sort. I am, and I will too.------------------------------------- --------------Humor-bl...
More About: Great

Well...at least they bless them first.
2007-10-17 13:56:00
submitted by new contributor RimaramaB.Y.O.P.Thanks to Rimarama for the post title as well------------------------------------- ---------submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaThis sign is straight from the Bible. But context is so important.Ryan thinks this sign is true because the sign they had up last week was so successful:"A generous man will prosper" Proverbs 11:25. ----------------------------------------- ------------"The years of your life shall increase"submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaPhew...I was getting worried there for a minute.---------------------------------- --------------------- "God Provides A Meal. Friday 6 PM"submitted AND reviewed by new contributor TaraThis sign was up for a month or so, but as Tara says, "Alas, I must report, the sign was changed this past week, to which I can only conclude that either a.) God got tired of having to do all the dishes afterwards, or b.) No one fancied ...
More About: Well

In a Snark Far, Far Away
2007-10-16 14:20:00
It's Tuesday Snark time! Go see why the new second-in-command at Crummy Church Signs is in a festive spirit.More crumminess tomorrow...if I get some sent to me!Keep the crumminess coming!EDIT: Also check out fellow Humor Blogger and frequent contributor to CCS Allen's Brain in Part 4 of Ironic Catholic's series of interviews with Christian humor-bloggers.

Do I Want To Go Church Here? Depends...
2007-10-15 13:46:00
submitted by frequent contributor Jerry WebberWe will also wipe and powder your @$$, but we usually save that for the new members class.----------------------------------- ------------------submitted by new contributor Lauren BinghamAn "Impact", huh? This looks like a job for Bethany.--------------------------------- -----------------------"If you don't climb the mountain, you can't enjoy the view."submitted by frequent contributor Bruce BezaireUnless you happen to enjoy looking up at mountains.------------------------------- --------------------------And a big Happy Birthday to the previous contributor, my father, Bruce Bezaire!Humor-blogs.com makes an "Impact" on society.Keep 'em coming.
More About: Church , Epen

But is it low in carbs?
2007-10-12 13:38:00
submitted by frequent contributor Micah LarsenSwallowing someone else's pride is just loaded, however.Thanks to Micah for the post title as well.------------------------------------ -------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall HildrethWe've already had a memorable guest review of this sign: Who can forget my sister Emily's classic "A Hemi?" riff?However, I did like the review that Rev. Hildreth sent in with this particular version:"Crammingmorelettersonyoursignwon 'tgetitreadanymorethanifyouhadsomethingde centtosay"------------------------------- -------------------"God has no Plan 'B'"submitted by frequent contributor Marnie PlucienikSin in the Garden of Eden was God's plan all along.----------------------------------- ----------------"0 and 6 isn't that bad! Jesus' team of disciples had problems too!" submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Megan Wetekamp. Seen in South Bend Indiana, before the Notre Dame football team defeated UCLA to move to 1-5...
More About: Carb

Timely, no? (Timely? No.)
2007-10-11 13:36:00
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Scott Gordon"Our Father, who art in heaven....WAZZUP?!?!"-------------------- ------------------------------"There's peace and calm in the 23 Psalms."submitted by Anna GravierWell I wish they'd give me a list of which 23 Psalms provide peace and calm and which of the other 127 Psalms provide conflict and panic, because I'd really like to avoid those last kind.------------------------------------ -------------"The Saints win here every Sunday"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. John Allen BanksonGives new meaning to the term "Fantasy Football"-------------------------------- ----------------"Once forgiven, don't reheat your sins for breakfast!"submitted by frequent contributor Brett McNewJust slice a banana and pour some milk on them, and they're good to go.-------------------------------------- ----------The war or words between Crummy Church Signs' Right-Hand Wookie Kalfu'ur and Mattress Police's Meme-Wraith Grundir continu...

Second Line: "Because The Spirit Gave Me A Shove"
2007-10-10 13:35:00
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan GeerDid this pastor attend seminary on Dagobah? Or did Yoda write this sign?Kalfu'ur isn't impressed.------------------------------- ------------------- "The 'city' of happiness is found in the 'state' of mind."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily BezaireWhich is in the 'country' of fantasy, on the 'continent' of delusion, on the 'planet' of whim...---------------------------------- -------------- "There is no heavier load than a chip on the shoulder."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily BezaireCome to think of it, I HAD noticed Tom Cruise was developing a hunchback.------------------------------- ----------------- "Trying times are times for trying harder."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily BezaireIf at first you don't redeem, try, try again.----------------------------------- ------------"We use duct tape to fix everything. God used nails."submitted by frequent co...
More About: The Spirit , Spirit , Line , Hove

Guest Guest Poster at The Snark
2007-10-09 14:33:00
Well, I sacrificed my normal Tuesday Snark post in order that a special guest might make his debut post on the Inter-net.I am pleased to introduce you to a new associate of mine: Kalfu'ur, Dauntless One.Keep 'em coming. More crumminess tomorrow.
More About: Poster , Guest

It must be football season....
2007-10-08 13:41:00
submitted by new contributor Stephen GrayIf they don't like football at all, you may feel free to hate them.(By the way, we have a pastor or two that frequent this site that will argue vehemently that the Cowboys are, in fact, "God's Team". I expect a comment from one of them in 3....2....1.....)(Thanks to Stephen for the post title also)------------------------------------ ------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownUhhh...let me restate that better...-------------------------------- --------------"Science is never misquoted."submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook...but we do our best to misunderstand it.(What point are they trying to make with that sign?)----------------------------------- ----------"God went through a lot of trouble to make you His child"submitted by frequent contributor Jamie DunbarThe labor lasted all night!----------------------------------- -----------"Joy is a by-product of trusting in God."submitted AND reviewed by frequent cont...
More About: Football , Season

Journey's Playing Here?
2007-10-05 13:54:00
submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownNothing to hide. Believe what we say.(Post Title credit to Duane, also)------------------------------------ --------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownIt infuriates us when people don't!!---------------------------------- ----------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownWhen the rain starts to fall.------------------------------------ ------------"God does not need a suggestion box."submitted by frequent contributor Joy C.Well nobody asked my opinion about that...---------------------------------- -----------And, from my father, another one of those businesses that tries to market its Christianity for its financial gain. This one's a realtor, and my dad helped with the review as well...The three most important things about eternity? Location, location, location.-------------------------------- -----------------Hey I actually have a real job, too. And it turns out some people think I'm pretty good at it.The 20...

You should see my co-pay.
2007-10-04 13:38:00
SEEN HERE ON FLICKR. directed by Ironic Catholic.I'm hoping one day I won't have to take Him anymore.--------------------------------- ----------------SEEN HERE ON FLICKR. Directed by Ironic Catholic....they stink even worse!(But not as much as our signs...)-------------------------------- ------------------submitted by new contributor Casey ChildressI suppose He wants all my tartar sauce, too?!?----------------------------------- ---------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownYou should see what they said about cold sores last week.------------------------------------ ------"A pound of idleness weighs 20 ounces."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunch But have you tried that new "Diet Idleness"?------------------------------- ------A new feature on CCS: A little Crummy Church Sign Jukebox (see sidebar, about one-third of the way down the page). I've compiled a playlist of songs that in some small way or another reflect the vision behind CCS. They're al...

Are You Ready For Some Chuuuuurch?!?
2007-10-03 13:34:00
submitted by frequent contributor Scott GordonAll God's rowdy friends are comin' over tonight!!-------------------------------- ---------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown...as long as you're not gay.------------------------------------- -------submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown...but I'll preach it in Pig Latin just the same.------------------------------------ ---------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownThe pastor lost his internet privileges shortly after this sign was put up.-------------------------------------- -------------"Pain is God's gift for spiritual growth."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Ryan D., Chennai, IndiaCan I regift?---------------------------------- -----------------?Long Standing Problem? Get down on your knees?submitted by frequent contributor JamieWasn't that on Pay-Per-View last night?----------------------------------- ----------------Check the sidebar: 100K visitors was achieved overnight! I pu...
More About: Ready , Some

If everyone didn't read The Snark on Tuesdays...
2007-10-02 13:51:00
...then that would suck, because nobody would read my post about those emails that tell everybody to not buy gas on a certain day.More crumminess tomorrow.Keep 'em coming.
More About: Read

Church at the Roxbury
2007-10-01 14:12:00
submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownBaby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. No more.------------------------------------ -------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownYou'll have to be more specific. We have so many.------------------------------------ ----------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane BrownHmm...so I guess blue laws don't apply?----------------------------------- -------------"Rest in peace. God is awake."submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownI think I'll wait a while before tackling that first part, thank you very much.------------------------------------ --------------"Our pastor is on fire. Come and watch her burn."submitted by new contributor Micah M., via BethanyShe's a witch??(Or: she just looks like one.)------------------------------------ -------------Ironic Catholic has said some nice things about me at her blog. Check it out!!EDIT: Allen has said some nice things as well. Thanks, guys!!-----------...
More About: Church

"Dry Clean Only"?
2007-09-28 13:46:00
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Scott GordonWhich is better than "Cosmic Accident", I suppose.--------------------------------- -------------------submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Scott Gordona) The wages of sin is deathb) I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO!!I agree that the verse in question is as described in the sign. My question: Why not just put the verse up?-------------------------------------- ---------submitted by new contributor Chris H.However, we're two busy too worry about which "2" we are going two use, though.---------------------------------- ------------------------submitted by new contributor Chris H.I would say the same is true for a simple grammar and spelling check.----------------------------------- ---------------------"Those that forgive the most will be the most forgiven."submitted by Brett McNew, TNCrap! Somebody screw me over, quick! I've got some catching up to do!What a terrible...
More About: Clean , Dry clean

Guest Reviewer: Grundir The Implacable!
2007-09-27 13:34:00
Things have been busy around CCS lately. Traffic is at an all-time high, which means submissions are at an all-time high. When I heard that Diesel had hired some extra help to assist in the dispatching of pesky memes over at Mattress Police, I wondered if that person would be interested in helping me dispatch with some pesky church signs. Turns out he was! Here's today's guest reviewer:-------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- --Greetings, mortals! I am Grundir the Implacable, Nazgul and meme-wraith. Ordinarily my responsibilities are limited to dispatching troublesome memes that threaten to overwhelm the blogosphere with disingenuous fawning and inane trivia. Today, however, I have been commanded by the Dark Lord Diesel of the Mattress Police to assist Joel in dealing with some particularly loathsome marquees exhibited by various houses of worship.I have perused Joel's vast tome of ill-advised placards and have concluded that the foolishness...
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Uh, God....he loves me.
2007-09-26 13:30:00
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Scott GordonWhat? Are you trying to break God & me up??------------------------------------- --------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneySo wait: I'm supposed to be thinking about God when I'm praying?? Oops.....-------------------------------- ----------------submitted by new contributor PatIs that "1693" at the top of the sign the church's address or the year this sign was built?----------------------------------- ----------------"Jesus died for MySpace in heaven."submitted anonymously and by Sandi Y., TNUnfortunately, you have no chance of cracking his "Top 12" friends.--------------------------------- -----------------"All Christians work for the same employer"submitted by new contributor Dan...where getting "fired" takes on a whole new meaning.--------------------------------- ------------------"Beware of a Christian with an open mouth and a closed pocketbook"submitted by new contributor DanThese days, they prob...

Our Home And Native Snark
2007-09-25 13:31:00
Take heed, citizens. I am over at the Snark today, analyzing the looming threat to American dominance and security. You'd better read it, if only for your own safety.See you tomorrow with more crumminess.Keep 'em coming.
More About: Home , Native

And we really, really mean it!
2007-09-24 15:00:00
submitted by frequent contributor Micah L., MNThat's what sets Jesus apart...his fakeness.-------------------------------- -------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L.And neither one has anything to do with this sign.------------------------------------ ---------Sign says "Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift."submitted by frequent contributor Jamie Dunbar, MSI'd be more willing to believe that if it wasn't tied with a slipknot instead.--------------------------------- -------------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane BrownOr swimming in the putridness (of these signs)?Slogging through the pugnaciousness (of this website)?Add your own in the comments section...------------------------------- ------------------ "Don't pray your worries; pray the word."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Les DuLunchYeah, because God doesn't want to hear about your petty little problems.-------------------------------- --------------...
More About: Ally

Especially Leviticus.
2007-09-21 15:54:00
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VAWe tried using The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, but it just wasn't working out for everyone.-------------------------------- ------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VAQuestions about hell at 9:45.------------------------------------ ----------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VABring water...lots of water.----------------------------------- --------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VAI am! William Shatner! Watch! Me! Act!------------------------------------- ----------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VASame time next year!------------------------------------ -------------"Choose this day who will serve you. - Founding Fathers"submitted by frequent contributor AmandaLook, if I get to choose who is serving me, you better believe it's gonna be someone with a better figure than John Quincy ...
More About: Ally , Leviticus

Blessed is Gumby?
2007-09-20 15:44:00
submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VAThat's how we treat our theology, anyways.--------------------------------- ------------------submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VABut He didn't say Simon Peter Says!!----------------------------------- ----------submitted by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VAFinally I've found a church that doesn't close for the summer!!--------------------------------- --------------------------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Duane Brown, VAThey're having the Food 'n Meat Co-Op and the Big Yard Sale but NOT the Jamboree?!? How dare they!!!Joel's note: I've often said the best church signs are ones that show how the church is working in and around the community. While I appreciate all that this church is apparently doing, advertising what you're NOT doing isn't exactly the way to go. In other words this sign isn't terribly crummy but I liked Duane's review, so there it is.-------------------------------------. ..
More About: Blessed

Next Week: Lauding of Lunchboxes
2007-09-19 13:51:00
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyPresumably to make up for all the times they'll be cursed throughout the year?------------------------------------ --------------submitted by new contributor James Christerson...but doing wrong is sometimes so, so right.----------------------------------- ------------------"Prayerless Pews make for Powerless Pulpits." submitted AND reviewed by new contributor The Talk DocPutrid puns make for perturbed passers-by.------------------------------ -------------------------"You cannot out-give God."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Beau SorrellBut some of you aren't even trying! 10% , people!---------------------------------- ------------------------"As He died to make men holy, let us live to make men free."submitted by frequent contributor Lauren J.I know a lot of guys would prefer it if more women were free, too...----------------------------------- -------------------"Love Happens. Sunday 8 & 10."submitted ...
More About: Week

The Snark Is Loose
2007-09-18 14:21:00
It's Tuesday, so I'm, over at The Snark. Check out a pre-emptive rant against CNN, Fox News, Court TV, and other TV stations of their ilk.I have SO MUCH crumminess backlogged. Be sure to visit every day this week, as there are some hilarious signs upcoming. And, hopefully, some equally hilarious reviews.Keep 'em coming.

This sign has a virus.
2007-09-17 13:18:00
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Micah L.You might want to "donwload" hooked on phonics first.----------------------------------- --------submitted by Courtenay, TNExodus 20:5: For I, the Lord your God am a wacky God....---------------------------------- ---------------------"God wants to be your best friend."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily B.(Circle one:yes noand pass it to Him in fifth period.)--------------------------------- ------------------------ "Uninspired by Jesus? Bet you've never met him."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Emily B.'Sherman, set the WABAC machine to 20 A.D.!''OK, Mr. Peabody!'-------------------------------- ------------------------"God the vine We the branches"submitted by frequent contributor AmandaThey the roots.----------------------------------- ------------------------Check out the new header at the top of the page. Do you like?? Thanks (once again) to the Church Sign Generator.Plus, enjoy The H...
More About: Virus

Overseas Crumminess
2007-09-14 13:43:00
Ryan DeVries recently started a ministry project in India, but being overseas hasn't stopped him from continuing to be a frequent contributor to Crummy Church Signs. The website for Ryan (and wife Nancy's) ministry is up and running now, go check it out if you get a chance.Anyhow, here's some crumminess from Chennai, India, courtesy of Ryan.It says "Meditation is the mother of peace" from spiritual leader Sri la Sri Sage of Pig Hill.Ryan says everyone who tried to translate the words in the top left corner of the picture just laughed while they did it. His friend Bungi came up with:Om Nama Sivaya (bless be the name of sivaya)Sri la SriSage of Pandrimalai (Pig Hill)ashram...which is basically jibberish. Isn't it nice to see that crummy church sign issues aren't just an American problem?!?A second one from Ryan:"Infant Jesus Pray For Us."(...because we can't do it ourselves?!?)Thanks Ryan!------------------------------------ ----------------------"We R.O.C.K.! Relying On Chri...
More About: Seas , Overseas