Crummy Church Signs

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"I sez 'It is finished', 'cuz I et me Spinach, I'm Jesus the Saviour Man!"
2007-11-27 01:54:00
submitted and asst. reviewed by new contributor Julie SesnovichBut I'm an adult and I still hate spinach.And really...who "loves" spinach? Tolerate? OK. Likes? Maybe. Loves?!? No way.------------------------------------- ---originally posted on Gavin's blogI could go on and on and on about this sign...but Gavin already did it so very well, just go over there and read his thoughts on it.-------------------------------------- -----"If you don't believe in Hell you should come hear our preacher."submitted by frequent contributor Joy Cook...AND you should see his wife.------------------------------------ ------WWJD? WWUD?submitted by new contributor Tammie GittI'm pretty sure he'd give us no need to fear because, after all, he's here.Seriously, though...who are they talking about?!?--------------------------------- --------"Relief comes in the morning when you've been on your knees in the night." submitted by new contributor Erik The InternIf it takes 'til morning, then som...
More About: Jesus , Spinach , Saviour , Nish , Nach

Admittedly, "...in which joy thrives" doesn't make for a much better sign.
2007-11-26 13:40:00
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyI think they used one of those Magnetic Poetry sets for this sign......and I think some of the words were missing.--------------------------------- ---------------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold Hendrix--"I" will, thanks for the advice.Also appropriate for Bethany's blog.------------------------------------ --------------"Luck is a loser's excuse for a winner's position."submitted by frequent contributor Joy CookToday's message brought to you by Nike.------------------------------------ -------------"Press prayer until something happens."submitted by frequent contributor Joy CookAnd if nothing happens, it helps if you start hammering on it repeatedly while cursing a lot.------------------------------------- -----------"A key to failure is to try to please everyone."submitted by frequent contributor Joy CookEspecially that God fellow. He's darn near impossible to make happy.----------------------------------- -----...
More About: Sign , Make

West Bank Story?
2007-11-20 14:32:00
submitted, reviewed, and post title by f.c. Bruce BezairePerhaps it's "The King and I"?For their encore, they could perform "I Don't Know How To Love Him"------------------------------------- -----------submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Aaron LeeYou mean it's not Tony Danza?!?--------------------------------- ----------------"Too many people get married for better or worse but not for good."submitted AND reviewed by Rev. Bill BeattySigh...So, divorced people, don't come to church here...---------------------------------- --------------CCS will be going on Thanksgiving break for the rest of the week. Joy from NC recently sent me a big batch of crumminess, but it will have to kick off next week. Also by next week I hope to have pictures of the new Casa Crummy to share with you all! Yep, that's right: On top of signing dozens upon dozens of books and shipping them to all corners of the world (India, Iceland, Canada, and 20+ states), we moved this weekend. It's been...bu...
More About: Story , West , Bank , West Bank

Not tonight, honey...
2007-11-19 13:44:00
submitted by frequent contributor Jerry WebberJudging from the title of this newspaper that's not what these people did....Props to Jerry for the post title as well.EDIT: Indie points out in the comments section that, basically, I'm an idiot. She said it much nicer than that, but it's true. Apparently I needed to read the article closer...-------------------------------- ---------------submitted by frequent contributor Jerry WebberBut that church down the road......(shudders)--------------------- -------------------------------"Children are like wet cement, what ever falls on them makes an impression" submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries ...so put caution tape around them until dry THEN walk all over them.------------------------------------ ---------------THE BOOKS HAVE SHIPPED. If you ordered a CCS book, look for it to arrive shortly. With the holiday week this week, it might be a bit longer than normal, but they are all out the door and o...
More About: Honey , Tonight

"Posterior" Would Have Been Better
2007-11-15 16:35:00
submitted by new contributor Complain AwayWhat if I'm in a wheelchair? Thanks for asking.---------------------------------- ------------submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold HendrixHow does one become an official "Prophecy Expert"? Is it like baseball, where batting .300 will get you into the Hall of Fame? Or is it more like a field goal kicker where closer to 80% is expected?Wouldn't it be better to be an expert in Scripture or theology or something? Then you could prophecy based on your expertise.To me, "Prophecy Expert" sounds a lot like "Fortune Teller".--------------------------------- -------------------------- "Have breakfast with God- Start your day off right!"submitted AND reviewed by increasingly frequent contributor ChrisThe kid in me likes the frosted side, but the adult likes the omnipotence!----------------------------- ------------------------------?Calvinism is heresy! It will be welcome here when pigs fly.?submitted by frequent contrib...

The Laying On Of Hands:
2007-11-14 13:36:00
submitted by new contributor John FletcherIs this the answer to the question "What can we get our pastor for Christmas?"To be fair, John says this church is in a strip mall with other businesses. But still...--------------------------------- ------------submitted by frequent contributor LincolnGoing up....4th floor....women's clothing, bathroom accessories, and avoidance of eternal damnation.....--------------------------- -----------------"Have you watched your DVD?"submitted by frequent contributor Jennifer B.Have you any idea how confusing your sign is?-------------------------------------- ------"A note from Jesus. Went to visit my father. Back soon."submitted by new contributor Rob CorsoNOW he tells us, some 2000 years later....What's that you say? Oh...------------------------------------ --------The books have arrived!! I will be sending them out in waves this week, so if you ordered one (or ten...) yours will ship out by the weekend! Keep your eyes peeled for yours some...
More About: Hands

Guest Reviewer: Emily, the Not Crummy Sister
2007-11-13 13:32:00
Things are crazy around Casa Crummy right now. I'm busy addressing envelopes, in preparation for sending out the books once they arrive (any day now...). They've all been addressed, and are just ready for signed books to be placed in them, which should speed things up once they get here.You might recall last week that I mentioned the place we were going to move into burned...well we were able to transfer our earnest money to a different property, so now it's looking like we might be able to move in this weekend! Don't let the jaded snark I post on here daily fool you: the truth is God really is good and faithful and provides for His children. Some might call it lucky, I call it blessed, but I really don't deserve all the breaks I catch.All this to say there's sadly no time for a Tuesday guest post at The Snark...and barely any time to post any crumminess here.So, today's reviews are courtesy of my sister Emily . She's the heir apparent to this whole operation here at CC...
More About: Guest , Sister

Who me? Yes you. Couldn't be! Then Who?
2007-11-12 13:44:00
submitted by frequent contributor Jenny Sowers"Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's Oreos, nor thy neighbor's Chips Ahoy, nor his Milanos, nor his 'Nilla Wafers, nor his Fig Newtons..."What's that? Fig Newtons are OK to covet?Oh.....---------------------------- ---------------------------"You can't have a well-fed church by serving fast food."submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y.Next thing you know, they're going to tell me that I can't use my fingers to eat the Lord's Supper anymore...------------------------------- -------------------------"So you aren't being fed? Pick up your fork. - God"submitted by Scott WallaceSigh.----------------------------- ------------------------A very food-themed post today."Yum".The books didn't arrive this weekend, but should show up any day. I'll sign 'em and get 'em out the door as quickly as I can, for those of you waiting on your copy (copies). Thanks for your patience!Humor-blogs.com stole the cookies from the cookie jar.Keep ...
More About: Then

Order Update
2007-11-09 15:50:00
The books have shipped from the printer and should arrive shortly at Casa Crummy. I will sign them and ship them out as quickly as I can after receiving them. I'm hosting an envelope/box stuffing party at my place, I'll try and remember to post pictures.Thanks for your patience, and thanks to everyone who ordered one.Have a great weekend!
More About: Update , Order

It's why Electric Christians are so much better.
2007-11-08 13:34:00
submitted by UberSchatzTake, for example, how this sign falls "flat".---------------------------------- -------------"Correction does much, but encouragement does more."submitted by new contributor Liana...but we're still for maximum-term jail sentences.------------------------------- ----------------?If Jesus could get his ass to church on Sunday, so can you.?submitted by new contributor Christie O'BrienI'm gonna go ahead and guess that Jesus actually got his ass to church on Saturdays...----------------------------- -----------------Humor-blogs needs frequent tuning-into.Keep 'em coming.
More About: Christians , Electric

A Pictureless Wednesday and Book Sale Update
2007-11-07 14:08:00
There's plenty of submissions to go through, but no pictures this time. Here we go: ?Heaven is no trick? Hell is no treat.? submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Jack MagruderAnd there will be Thanksgiving on my end now that we?re past Halloween and don?t have to see this every time I drive by.-------------------------------------- --------"Jesus wouldn't use Powerpoint and a rock band."submitted by new contributor Jack Magruder"Verily I say unto thee...(ahem)....verily I say unto thee.......NEXT SLIDE, Andrew!!"-------------------------------- -------------"What's black and white and red all over? You, in His Word, covered by His blood!"submitted by new contributor Jack MagruderIf you're also green, it just means you threw up all over yourself when you read this sign.------------------------------------ ----------Thanks to Jack, who was saving these signs up to start a website of his own. Once he found CCS, he just sent them my way.I have recently received a lot of submiss...
More About: Book , Sale , Update , Wednesday

LAST DAY!
2007-11-06 13:41:00
Today is the last day to purchase my book at the discounted price of $10.99 with free shipping. After today, the price will go up to $12.99 plus shipping. Remember, all proceeds get donated to Compassion.No guest post for me at the Snark. I'm fighting a respiratory illness, and I'm also not in the mood to be very snarky after the place we put a down payment on 18 months ago and were already supposed to be living in caught fire last night, so who knows when we will finally stop living with my inlaws over an hour away from our jobs and church.Sigh.Keep 'em coming.

To boldly go where dozens of churches have gone before...
2007-11-05 13:43:00
seen here on Flickr. Submitted by frequent contributor Ironic CatholicIllogical, captain.--------------------------------- ----------------submitted by new contributor Tim BrownHe's our profit, priest, and king.(Here's a little primer on where that joke came from for those that don't get it)-------------------------------------- ------"God is crafting you for eternity."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Kelly QuinnI hope he isn't using macrame on me. I hate macrame.--------------------------------- -----------"God wants a bride, not just a one night stand."submitted by new contributors Joanie and/or BillIf anyone present sees reason why this sign should not be properly ridiculed, speak now or forever hold your peace.----------------------------------- ----------ONE DAY LEFT to order the book at a special discounted rate. Only $10.99 with free shipping!! The books are being printed and will be sent to me shortly, after which time I will autograph them and send them on...
More About: Churches

Grace? Huh? What?!?
2007-11-02 13:06:00
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyBut probably, it'll just seem like an eternity while you're doing it...------------------------------------ ----------------submitted AND reviewed by April Sellers."This sign is an abomination" - God.I think I've reviewed this sign before (in fact...I know I have). I just like April's review a lot, so I included it again.----------------------------------- ------------I need your help! I'm a finalist in a caption contest...but this time it's not Diesel's, it's Dorky Dad's contest to find a tagline for his blog. There's a $20 prize for the best one, which I need to help offset the fact that I'm donating all the money from my book sales to Compassion.What?!? You haven't heard about my book sales and that I'm donating all the money to Compassion? Well, the special reduced-price-with-free-shipping offer ends on Tuesday, so better purchase one soon!!----------------------------------- -------------Don't make ...
More About: Grace

"Free Beer"
2007-11-01 13:26:00
seen on Flickr. Directed by frequent contributor Ironic Catholic.Doesn't this sign sort of sum up this whole website and idea? My guess (and one of the reasons I started this 3 years ago) is that the saying on a church sign almost never influences church attendance. Usually crazy things like members actually going out and inviting people, or the church having a reputation as a place where positive things are happening, those are the things that cause increased attendance. Maybe if the sign advertised a message on a topic that lots of people wanted to hear about it would increase attendance, but how many pithy slogans or witty puns have actually caused people to want to visit? My guess is not very many.This sign is the new Official Crummy Church Sign of Crummy Church Signs Dot Com. And, yes, it's probably unwitting on their part.------------------------------------ -----------Remember to pre-order my book! The printer will start the order this weekend based on how many pre-...
More About: Beer , Free

Why I autumn....
2007-10-31 12:22:00
submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van Horne...and you'll get sent to the Rake of Fire.------------------------------------ -----------submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van HorneHe's just fuzzy.----------------------------------- ------------?None live so pleasantly as those who walk by faith.? submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain Um, yeah? That?s what Hebrews 11 is all about: the pleasant lives of those who live by faith.----------------------------------- ------------"Be a firefighter. Put out slander."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain"Put out" as in "distribute; emit; produce"?-------------------------------- ----------------Have you bought my book yet? The special prices last until next Tuesday (Nov. 6). Only $10.99 with free shipping!I will be placing my order for books this week based on the number of sales I have so far (plus estimating a few extras for those of you waiting until the last minute)...it should tak...
More About: Autumn

Return of the Crummy Letters.
2007-10-30 12:40:00
While my guest posts at the Snark have continued unabated, it's been quite a while since the traditional "Crummy Letter". Well, they're back, baby!! Be sure to check out today's.More crumminess tomorrow!Keep 'em coming.
More About: Letters , Return , Return of the

Well, you're off to a great start.
2007-10-29 12:54:00
submitted by frequent contributor Jerry Webber...than to have people love God because they actually were saved.Oh, and welcome to our church.---------------------------------- --------------submitted by new contributor Louie G.If the Spirit's the ready one, why is He leaving the choice up to me?!?------------------------------------ --------"For every sin, Satan has an excuse"submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Caroline Morrow...so be sure to ask him for suggestions.----------------------------- ----------------8 more days are left in the pre-ordering period for my book. Have you bought your copy yet? Only $10.99 with free shipping!!------------------------------- --------------I've got more crumminess to fill the week, so stay tuned!Humor-blogs.com is ready, but the flesh is weak...Keep 'em coming.
More About: Great , Start , Well

...and "The Most Confusing Sign Ever" Award Goes To:
2007-10-26 13:45:00
submitted by Richard Steffy, PA...and Lions Club members leave their shoes off. And everyone knows that the Shriners don't go to church.Does anybody have any idea what they were trying to say with this sign? Seriously, leave a comment because neither Richard nor I have a clue.------------------------------------ -----------"Eternal life insurance: You are the soul beneficiary."submitted by frequent contributor Kelly QuinnJesus' premium was a b**ch, though.---------------------------------- -----------------Like signs and review like these? Then you'll love my new book. There's still a week and a half left on the pre-order special of only $10.99 per book with free shipping. Take advantage now, and do your Christmas shopping early!----------------------------------- ----------By the way, I was kidding about the Shriners earlier. It's the Freemasons that don't go to church.edit: (...still joking...)------------------------------- --------------Optimists put their shoes on whe...
More About: Award , Sign , Goes

So is a whip.
2007-10-25 15:04:00
submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen...especially sin.------------------------------------- ---------submitted by frequent contributor Micah Larsen"But Daddy, I don't want to die!!"Also...what does that make an unhappy family?---------------------------------- ----------submitted by frequent contributor Micah LarsenWas somebody really disagreeing with this statement beforehand? ----------------------------------------- --?What doesn?t kill you only makes you stronger?submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Jamie...or it leaves you in a coma.------------------------------------ -------"Fortunes told here...by God."submitted by new contributor Jamilah Lemieux"Doesn't look too good for you, my child."(Too bad it wasn't Moses instead...he could use his "Pharoah Cards" *rim shot*)----------------------------------- --------Micah tells me that Messiah Lutheran church (from the above pictures, plus many entries in the archives) can look forward to receiving a signed ...
More About: Whip

Pratice Makes Prefect.
2007-10-24 14:09:00
submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold HendrixYou might want to "pratice" your spelling while you're at it.-------------------------------------- -------------------Sign says "Morning praise will make your days."submitted by new contributor UberSchatzNormally when a picture is messed up, I either try and fix it to make it look right or I just don't use it. However, I had to include this one because of UberSchatz's explanation for the quality of the sign. Also, I had to use it because it was from somebody named "UberSchatz":"Sign found in Harrisburg, Arkansas. This picture had to be taken under the cloak of darkness since Harrisburg is the Meth-Addled, Jesus-Freak, Homo-Hillbilly Capital of the entire ****ing world and doing so in broad daylight would've earned me tarring and a feathering. "Tell us how you really feel, bro. Don't hold it in.(And for the record, my review would have been "...and evening praise means you probably missed your favorite TV...

Crummy Church Signs Release Party!!
2007-10-23 13:23:00
WOOHOO! I wrote a book!Click the picture to purchase your copy today!(Well...I and the dozens upon dozens of folks who regularly contribute around here wrote a book!)Releasing today is the second book from humor-blogs.com, my very own Crummy Church Signs Volume 1 (2004 - 2007).Consider this a "Best of..." (or "Worst Of...", as the case may be) of the last 3 years and 700+ signs here at CCS. All properly categorized and snarked upon for your pleasure, there are also some hidden surprises (such as new reviews of some classic signs, a "Best of the Guests", featuring the top contributor-submitted reviews, the return of the Map of Crumminess and more!) This 178-page paperback coffee-table book is sure to be a conversation starter to anyone not familiar with the website.If you're reading this post, you're likely familiar with the body of work and already know if you're interested in the book or not. If this is your first visit, take a dive into the archives on the sidebar to the r...
More About: Party , Release

Isn't it spelled "scald"?
2007-10-22 15:57:00
submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Randall HildrethCan today's present be exchanged at tomorrow's sale price?Joel's Note: Always a great idea to put the last letter of a word at the start of a new line. That's never confusing.------------------------------- ----------------------"There is no exits in hell."submitted and asst. reviewed by new-ish contributor TaraThere are no grammarian at this church.---------------------------------- -------------------"Flexible people don't get bent."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor ChristineWell then how do they know if they're flexible or not?------------------------------------- ----------------"Keep the Sabbath day. Jesus did."submitted by frequent contributor ChristineDid He?Note: Yes, He did. Just not in the way people at the time expected. Which was a lot like Jesus, really. This sign is just ammunition for people who (understandably) don't "get" that part of it.-------------------------------------. ..
More About: Spell

Y'mean I was supposed to stop?
2007-10-19 14:52:00
submitted by new contributor Jason WhelpleyThere's nothing funny about abuse, so I'll refrain from a wisecrack here (other than the post title).My biggest question is: What the &$%# is the point of this sign?------------------------------------ ---------submitted by frequent contributor S. K. SuttonFaster than a speeding analogy! Able to leap tall metaphors in a single bound!----------------------------------- ----------------"Missionaries are coming!"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor ChristineOne if by land, two if by sea.------------------------------------- --------------"He who throws dirt always loses."submitted by Christine. Reviewed by her 9-year old.What if you're in a mud-slinging contest?--------------------------------- ------------------"Party in hell canceled due to fire."submitted by frequent contributor ChristineYou should see what it did to the ice sculptures we ordered.--------------------------------- ------------------Christine recently went on v...
More About: Stop

Because I found these great mothballs...
2007-10-18 15:49:00
seen on Flickr. submitted by Ironic Catholic."...but I'm not "busy" enough to really enjoy it in here."----------------------------------- ------------seen of Flickr. Submitted AND reviewed by Ironic Catholic.Repeat after me...the Civil War is over.Oh...baseball...-------------------- --------------------In the last couple of days I've had a couple of interesting pastor names sent to me as well. Though there's nothing crummy about names, these pictures are pretty amusing and I thought I would pass them along.First, from new contributor Paul Drake:Paul named the above picture file "yes_he_does.jpg" Whee!!And secondly, from frequent contributor Steve Sensenig:Pastor Pickle picked a peck of pickled peppers....------------------------------ -----------------My "boss" over at Central Snark, Neva, has been through a lot lately. Please keep her and her family in your prayers, if you're the praying sort. I am, and I will too.------------------------------------- --------------Humor-bl...
More About: Great

Well...at least they bless them first.
2007-10-17 13:56:00
submitted by new contributor RimaramaB.Y.O.P.Thanks to Rimarama for the post title as well------------------------------------- ---------submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaThis sign is straight from the Bible. But context is so important.Ryan thinks this sign is true because the sign they had up last week was so successful:"A generous man will prosper" Proverbs 11:25. ----------------------------------------- ------------"The years of your life shall increase"submitted by frequent contributors Ryan and Nancy DeVries, Chennai, IndiaPhew...I was getting worried there for a minute.---------------------------------- --------------------- "God Provides A Meal. Friday 6 PM"submitted AND reviewed by new contributor TaraThis sign was up for a month or so, but as Tara says, "Alas, I must report, the sign was changed this past week, to which I can only conclude that either a.) God got tired of having to do all the dishes afterwards, or b.) No one fancied ...
More About: Well

In a Snark Far, Far Away
2007-10-16 14:20:00
It's Tuesday Snark time! Go see why the new second-in-command at Crummy Church Signs is in a festive spirit.More crumminess tomorrow...if I get some sent to me!Keep the crumminess coming!EDIT: Also check out fellow Humor Blogger and frequent contributor to CCS Allen's Brain in Part 4 of Ironic Catholic's series of interviews with Christian humor-bloggers.

Do I Want To Go Church Here? Depends...
2007-10-15 13:46:00
submitted by frequent contributor Jerry WebberWe will also wipe and powder your @$$, but we usually save that for the new members class.----------------------------------- ------------------submitted by new contributor Lauren BinghamAn "Impact", huh? This looks like a job for Bethany.--------------------------------- -----------------------"If you don't climb the mountain, you can't enjoy the view."submitted by frequent contributor Bruce BezaireUnless you happen to enjoy looking up at mountains.------------------------------- --------------------------And a big Happy Birthday to the previous contributor, my father, Bruce Bezaire!Humor-blogs.com makes an "Impact" on society.Keep 'em coming.
More About: Church , Epen

But is it low in carbs?
2007-10-12 13:38:00
submitted by frequent contributor Micah LarsenSwallowing someone else's pride is just loaded, however.Thanks to Micah for the post title as well.------------------------------------ -------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Randall HildrethWe've already had a memorable guest review of this sign: Who can forget my sister Emily's classic "A Hemi?" riff?However, I did like the review that Rev. Hildreth sent in with this particular version:"Crammingmorelettersonyoursignwon 'tgetitreadanymorethanifyouhadsomethingde centtosay"------------------------------- -------------------"God has no Plan 'B'"submitted by frequent contributor Marnie PlucienikSin in the Garden of Eden was God's plan all along.----------------------------------- ----------------"0 and 6 isn't that bad! Jesus' team of disciples had problems too!" submitted and asst. reviewed by frequent contributor Megan Wetekamp. Seen in South Bend Indiana, before the Notre Dame football team defeated UCLA to move to 1-5...
More About: Carb

Timely, no? (Timely? No.)
2007-10-11 13:36:00
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Scott Gordon"Our Father, who art in heaven....WAZZUP?!?!"-------------------- ------------------------------"There's peace and calm in the 23 Psalms."submitted by Anna GravierWell I wish they'd give me a list of which 23 Psalms provide peace and calm and which of the other 127 Psalms provide conflict and panic, because I'd really like to avoid those last kind.------------------------------------ -------------"The Saints win here every Sunday"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. John Allen BanksonGives new meaning to the term "Fantasy Football"-------------------------------- ----------------"Once forgiven, don't reheat your sins for breakfast!"submitted by frequent contributor Brett McNewJust slice a banana and pour some milk on them, and they're good to go.-------------------------------------- ----------The war or words between Crummy Church Signs' Right-Hand Wookie Kalfu'ur and Mattress Police's Meme-Wraith Grundir continu...